Memoirs of a mystic

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Bali Blog Part 4 Mamma Mia -Dec 2012- April 2013


First off it is highly suggested in order to better understand the content that you start at Bali blog part reading them in chronological order is highly recommended, or you will not get the full effect of the content.

Second I know so many of you said in regards to my last blog titled, Bali part 3 What if Love is Not the Final Destination? Jess how come you did not warn us how much off the deep end you were going to go? I know it took you all by surprise but that was the point I did hint in the intro that I wanted to pull the rug from under your feet regarding our ideas of relationships, love stories, and the cliché as that is how it exactly happened for me so you can get an idea on what it was really like for me. I guess I should have prepared people a little bit for the out there content but I felt that people mostly know me as someone that understands the mystical so that should be enough I thought, but i guess I was wrong.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I actually did not get to include all my notes and thoughts behind the title for the last blog, I simply ran out of space and had no place to fit in some chapters in the last blog so I decided since it is a major topic that I would include bits and pieces of it in this blog and in blogs to come. That’s the nice thing about writing for yourself first you get to do it how ever way you like and others get to experience the results of the flow of your thought. (I always tell myself no one will ever see these blogs so there is no filter then after it’s done I share it with the world. I have been blogging in this way for about 8 years now and they are all here in my blog section for who ever is curious about my blogs prior to my arrival in Bali and the new age drivel I was caught up in.)

The thing that is also tricky in including such thoughts is that its controversial and could be taken in various ways such as oh she is just bitter on the idea of love which is not true. Its more like I am annoyed with how we have been taught to think of love and that alone is worth exploring rather then continuing to feed such notions and illusions.

The other aspect is that just because I am in a relationship with someone very unique does that mean I should assume that others should want to have a similar relationship or model theirs like ours thinking that’s the way to be?

No, I am not saying that either I know each relationship is different but I do know that most of our values/ideals in a relationship are the same and its these very values/ideals that destroy so many relationships as we never get to know the person rather we look at them through our own values/ideals and have a hard time seeing past that.

The following blog is all the events and realizations that happened to me and through me around Dec 12- April 2013 in which my mother came to visit. In this blog I also share some of Diego’s back-story of his early life and his mother.

This blog is also very controversial but not in the same way as the lost blog this one is a bit more tougher due to some letters and questions Diego and I received from people who are following these blogs it seems there is still so many misunderstandings on what we are about and what we are getting at so hopefully this blog will shed more light and dark on some things so as to maintain the unknown, balance, so others may have a better understanding of our relationship better. But keep in mind I am writing these with 2 minds the mind I had while I was in my confusion and my less confused mind now. So I suggest doing your best to try to distinguish between which version of myself I am speaking from as it fluctuates through out the blog. I do this so you can understand confusion and how it works.

Also I am not making Diego out into a guru this is the last thing he wants, he often says he is not important and is nothing and he wants to stay that way. There is nothing wrong with being nothing he does not know why so many are afraid of this being nothing.

What I share about Diego is not to promote Diego, or to put him on a pedestal; he does not want people writing him thinking he is spiritually advanced, enlightened or a master or what ever. If you write him about something like that he will not respond as you have totally missed the point. Diego and I just want people to look at the content and the examples not the person. The people are irrelevant please do not fall into this pothole. I also want people to know that I am not putting myself down or Diego on a pedestal in these blogs all though it may seem that way, I am simply sharing my dismantling process of how I thought at the time, the process and the phases of such conditioned thinking as this is also how many people think as well when faced with such experiences.

But I should warn you that do not be surprised by reading this blog that you find yourself in the dismantling process as well. This is also the longest blog I have written so far as I am now longer writing 2 months at a time but 5 months so this is jam packed with 5 months of my life explained as best I could.

This blog is the most intense one I have written so far so it is suggested to read it slowly, to pace yourself while attempting to digest and wrap your head around the content, or I am pretty sure you will find yourself with a headache.

Another reason I titled this blog as ‘Mamma Mia’ as it is an Italian word/term for when a person realizes that they are in over their head in something of a huge psychological tidal wave; and also because in this blog I talk about both mine and Diego’s mother and the intensity and shocking aspects of those concepts as well.

The best way for me to describe this blog and what your in for is to picture that your at the beach, there are many comforts and familiarities around you then you see the water of the ocean start to recede; and at first your perplexed your trying to understand what is going on only to see looming in front of you a huge tidal wave and all you can say is ‘Mamma Mia’ as you know your about to get swept away and pummeled as well. This blog is that huge tidal wave not just for me but also for all of you. It will make more sense to you as you read though and get hit by that wave. The next blogs are about me/man kind being pummeled by that wave until we understand how to surf it; so without further adieu… surfs up.


Chapter: 1: It’s a Confused Universe After All

It was raining pretty heavy, it was about 9pm, and rainy season had come early to Bali. The rain was falling like thick ropes from the roofs. When it rains it not only pours here but also brings about the green snakes they are everywhere and they have no fear of humans you have to be attentive, you have no choice, because a green snake could be laying on the path or patch and grass and will not move if they hear you coming. If they bite you its pretty fatal your only given about 4 seconds to live, you do not even get to finish off your scream or swear while in shock on your way to exit this life. Death never seems to be considerate, or ask permission, it does not care it just comes in its many shapes and forms.
I spotted a green snake folded up by the pond in their classic figure 8 pose which is what they do when they are focusing in on their desired prey in order to hypnotize them. These green snakes make the frog think it’s seeing another frog when it looks at the snake. The frog is not able to tell it’s a snake until its too late. While the snake is consuming the frog; it makes a particular noise that lets all the frogs know that there is snake here. The sound does not sound like typical frog croak but that of a baby bird it has fooled me a couple of time, though snakes only come out at night and birds always grow silent when the sun starts its decent.
I am always fascinated how the frogs go to the pond every night to sing knowing full well there is danger of snakes but that does not stop them from going anyway. If we humans knew there was danger at the pond we would most likely not go. But the frogs know and yet they do not care they sing anyway for their slimy sleek lady fare and if one frog dies that night then that is ok it happens. Imagine if the frogs did not go to the pond because they were afraid of snakes? Or they refused to sing because it would also attract the snakes? They would not be able to breed and their species would die out. Its because they are not afraid that they are evolving but we humans are afraid, we are afraid of everything, even illusions and so we forget to even begin our life especially when it comes to facing living and thinking in the unknown.

Diego was sitting out on the porch near me silently smiling clearly enjoying the heavy rain and the loud crack of thunder all while drawing a picture and with out looking up he said, “who do you think knows more about an earthquake and how to survive one, a scientist or a tree?” He answered for me before I had a chance to respond, “its the tree.” “Of course it’s the tree that knows more and most people know this even scientists, yet they do not think about these things when they build houses. For example here in Bali when a person wants to build a house here they buy some land in the jungle and cut down all the trees, then build. It makes much more sense to build around the trees, or better yet to build with trees inside the house. There are ways to build so as to not interfere with the growth of the tree and to make sure the tree gets everything it needs so as not to be a problem to the house either and if an earthquake comes its more likely for the house to be more stable.”
I then got up to see what he was drawing; it was a picture of a house built around and with trees inside it. “Its stupid to cut them down when we can co work with the trees so as to be in mutual exchange with each other. A tree is not confused people are, that is why people feel better when around trees. Not to mention they are the lungs of the planet, non-confusion is a breath of fresh air to me. ” Diego said.

This set off a chain of thoughts in my head and I replied with, “Indeed Diego, it is sad that humans do not think about trees and so many other things to. We are not thinking its true, in a way trees are alien to us to, somehow they are more alien to us then aliens themselves, in which we live with them but really know nothing about them. Heck I bet even Extra Terrestrials themselves know more about trees then us. It’s good thing there are aliens here such as the Pleiadians for example guiding us telepathically, helping us connect to feel the energy of them so we can regain the lost knowledge. “
Diego immediately responded to this new age confusion statement with, “I’m sorry Jessica, but is that what you honestly think aliens are here to do? Are you sure that is your thought and own feeling or did it come from somewhere someone else?” he challenged.
“Well, I stammered, “I guess in further challenging this thought of mine I can not say I totally believed it, but I have been intrigued by such a notion. As to think in such a way is pretty exciting after all. But I guess we can say that the down side to this is that many people do believe it.”
I then explained to Diego the whole gambit of the star beings that are commonly talked about in the new age circuit, that are said to be involved with this planets affairs.
“The Pleiadains, so many here claim to be a Pleiadian. I myself have even been thought to potentially be Pleiadian perhaps because it sounds nicer then being a human, it’s a way for many to escape reality actually. However though many saw me as a Pleiadain because I shared my similarities and my dads stories about them. Many perceived that as a special connection I might have had with the Pleiadians, thus many saw me as a Starseed, and I thought ok if this is the way to get through to people then I will be their starchild or what ever but I always cautioned people about the labels/titles as it always made me nervous.
I honestly could never find myself embracing this fully, it always felt like fragmentation to me, I am this but I am not that.
There are also the Sirians, the Andromedians, Arcturians, Orions, Zeta Rectilians, Reptilians, and so on.” I then went into some of the information I had collected on them. I even showed pictures of the Pleiadians mostly Billy Meier images, to which Diego just laughed in a tragic comic sort of way.
“Can I tell you one of my suspicions about the Pleiadains Diego? I asked. These are not really Pleiadians, I think they are actually Germans, most likely natzi’s they had technology like that for a while now and it was an experiment making people think they are aliens, people are being conned yet again. I am surprised people do not see it, as its pretty obvious, they rather believe they are some divine beings.”
“That is correct he confirmed, Pleiadians do not look like that and they are mostly predators, people get an idea of what one alien looks like from one place, mixing it with Hollywood/sex appeal ideals. Then someone makes a few pictures, another claims to channel them, others believe it, and then people end up thinking that Pleiadians all look like that; and of course its always the human from as that is what is most sexually appealing and inspiring in a savoir ideal. I do not think people realize how big the Pleiadies cluster is nor how vast life forms are.”
“But do you think Diego, I asked him, people actually are channeling these E.T. beings or guides, like so many claim they are, which happens to be so convenient at this time? Or maybe you think its just people natural schizophrenia that they are exploiting that is making them think this again?”
Diego replied with, “Ok lets think about this, if people were channeling E.T.’s or what ever, if you wanted to get a message to someone on another planet you would be very selective right? Most of these so-called channelers are pretty messed up you can see that, as they give advice to others but they cannot manage their own life, so they end up exploiting others.
Its kind of curious how the ET’s do not choose a poor person in a developing country to channel them no they choose a Hollywood film writer like Bashar, how convenient.”
So even if it is actually E.T.’s there is a mathematic law that if the person is confused then the alien must be as well, so its not like they are bad or evil like some tend to claim, just that they are also confused. It’s like the blind leading the blind.”
“Wait, I interjected as I was not sure if I was hearing him right, are you saying E.T.s can be confused to? I thought they were more advanced then us, beyond confusion if you will?”
Diego’s reply was, “Maybe they are more advanced in technology like we have progressed in our technology but look at our psyche it’s still the same, even after thousands of years. It’s very possible it’s the same with them. Perhaps they are channeling people for answers to, that they are searching as well, but not for what we think.”
“No, Diego how can you make such a claim that E.T.’s are stuck the same way we are? I mean that is a bold claim the universe is vast.
The ETs are curious about us though right? They do seem to be fascinated with us there must be a reason I mean take alien abductions for example.
I said, how many people used to write me about their abductions they want answers. They are frightened of the unknown; they feel violated, while some feel special because of it. They feel like they are chosen for something, perhaps it’s linked to their purpose in this cosmic kerfuffle conflict going on for who knows how long, that they now have a chance to correct or maybe to partake in the story of human off world endeavors. Do you call that confusion to?”
His reply was, “Confusion is indeed old. Confusion makes us petty, where there is pettiness there is confusion and beliefs and where theirs is confusion and beliefs there is pettiness. Sigh so boring he said. Humans think the universe is love and divine its not, the universe cares non for that kind of thinking. Tell me where is love in the universe? Do people watch the stars have they seen how one galaxy will eat another is that love or is that evil, or is that just our conditioned mind thinking for us again?
It’s not about being special. Abductions happen to a large percent of the population its true, but they are not special or chosen it’s nothing like that; its just random, and it must be that way.”
“Oh you mean like if a rat was being tested in a lab it was selected randomly?” I suggested feeling a bit confident like I was finally getting it. “Yes exactly like that. Its nothing to do with divine or good or evil or any of that stupid stuff Jess; the ETs that do abductions only they want to understand why people are so confused. I looked at him with a confused facial expression, so he continued.
If you saw some animals acting crazy constantly destroying them-selves and the planet then you would be nervous right, you would think it was some kind of an illness or virus right? You would be concerned about this spreading to other worlds perhaps your own, so naturally you would have to quarantine them which is what is has been done here. You would then have to monitor these crazy animals to, perhaps even come up with some devices to help them evolve or overcome such a virus of confusion that makes one insane; such as chip for example. Something that could help the crazy animals to recover so as to have a better chance to maybe evolve or at least understand what else they can do?
What would you do if you were them watching helplessly knowing how contagious it is, how easy it is to get this confusion virus, how already many other beings are effected by this in this universe alone?”
“Well, I said, first off I find that a bit hard to grasp the idea that this whole universe and all the worlds in it, you mean to tell me all of them are confused? And if they are confused then you’re also insinuating that they are in a limbo as well stuck like us? So basically to you this whole universe is a mad house? But there are some that are less mad that experiment on others, like how we experiment on animals, but we are also crazy and absent minded while we do it; many are even not considerate, selfish and cruel. How do you know this Diego? This is a bold statement to make.”
“I just do,” he said.
“So is that what you mean you want to get out? Are you referring to not this planet but this universe of madness?
Is it really that contagious? And if this is true how did this happen?” Diego responded with, “that is a huge question and the reason why I write and speak so much. I have been trying to understand this confusion all my life and trying to get others to understand it as well. I have always been able to smell confusion in the air.”
“Then what you write is not just for humans then.” I said…
His response was, “It’s for anyone, anything and any being that wants to get out as well. But the most challenging thing is not so much reaching others its getting through to them when they are all so busy in other things, in their distractions, confusions, illusions, dramas, beliefs, and answers that have abducted their very life and mind which is another limbo. This is a more serious and pressing abduction not the ETs abductions.”
There is a reason why there has not been a public ET landing on earth and that is because most of the ET’s are scared of people, they are scared to be contaminated by them and their confusion virus. The only ET’s that humans can attract are predators, that have been here that work behind the scenes accelerating the destruction of the human species, as it seems this is what human species wants and keeps striving for by insisting to hold onto their idiotic beliefs.

At that moment I recalled the many conversations we had about nature spirits that according to him are not nature spirits at all he just calls them animals. I started to think about what Diego shared with me about their world, and it got me wondering and I asked. “Why don’t you try to go to the nature spirit world instead then, rather then have to deal with the mess of this world? I myself always wanted to go there and live with them. At least it would be better there then here. So what about that realm is that a limbo to?”
“It is, he said, sure they do not have a lot of the stupid problems there that we have here, such as paying the bills and wars and such but its still a limbo, and why would you want to escape one limbo and go to another just because the cage is bigger or different then the last one? It’s like switching from one belief system to another. Such an action does not help one understand the prison limbo at all and actually amplifies and spreads more of the confusion virus just like ‘The Nothing’ in the movie ‘The Never Ending Story,’ and the limbos being like ‘the labyrinth’ in the movie ‘The Labyrinth’ which is actually the labyrinth, maze, holographic, cage that our collective conditioned mind made and nurtures everyday, so as to constantly leave us confused bewildered and struggling. When we entertain ideas/belief like a god, or aliens returning to save us, or ascension, all of this is an act of violence that greatly amplifies the virus limbo of confusion and makes it spread even faster to spaces and places known and unknown. Its frustrating because few can see this, they always say rhetorical things such as, ‘no its fine there is nothing wrong with our beliefs, you should respect our beliefs’ because they do not want to see it, they do not want to be responsible for if they do see it they will freak out. But to respect a belief is to respect the limbo confusion and violence.
(I highly recommend these two movies “The Never Ending Story” and “The Labyrinth” and the books as well. We watched them together and had many discussions on these movies; they have always been my favorite movies of all time. Also my blog works the same way as the ‘Never Ending Story’, it is talking to you directly and your very likely to become apart of this story.)
Besides, Diego went on, what you call the nature spirit realm is not a pleasant place at all right now. They are suffering and struggling greatly with something to right now.” “What is it? I asked what could it be?” They are greatly effected by our wifi internet connections you see we exist right in the middle of the micro waves and the ultra violet rays which are the rays of the sun which is the ‘Schumann resonance field’ (for those who do not know what it is here is a link as I had to look it up after he mentioned it ) and nature spirits are in right in the middle of the nano field/ nanocurie field (as for this one I will let you look it up on your own.)
And what is known as poltergeists are in the cesium 137 fields. The wifi signal goes through these fields and because of this the inhabitants there are having a hard time; its like building a busy road right in the middle of your house, only this is a virtual road built in the middle of their virtual realms. Even if we stopped using Internet, we forget our minds are wifi as well. It’s our wifi minds that invented and made wifi work through an electronic device. It’s so odd to me that so many think wifi can not be real with out any device but that a person alone can do it cause that is what their minds are, no that’s too weird only machines can do this. We use machines now to spread our confusion and because the majority of people are confused and not responsible for their thoughts which affect not only just this world but all worlds thus they are becoming more of a challenge to live in. This confusion is now seeped in our dreams, making our dreams nothing more then a confusing distraction always searching for meaning and significance through a conditioned mind. We have given our dreams more relevance then our own reality, which means we are neglecting our responsibility of this reality choosing to live in our intangible dream world limbos instead. We do not think that how we experience reality is not how it is because we see it how we want to see it and we are doing the same with our dreams thus our dreams are also contaminated. We do the same with death therefor when we die we carry or confusion virus there as well which brings us into yet again another limbo. So death is not an escape from this madness either, it only amplifies the madness; it works exactly like a mental hypercube that looks something like this

No sooner do you step out of one movie theater you find your in another and another movie with in the movie, kind of like the movie ‘Inception’ and its very hypnotic and confusing. You think its moving you think its real but its not its another optic brain illusion. Interestingly enough there is another variation of the hypercube in which jesus is crucified to a 3 dimensional cubic cross which indicated that such a belief is to put oneself into the hypercube of confusion limbo.

The only way to get out of this is to dismantle our confusion, in order to do that we have to understand confusion profoundly right at its roots, we need to know everything about it and how exactly it works, this is a task for all of us it does not matter who or what we are, we all must do this.”
“But surly, I said, there must be a race in this universe that is not as badly confused or affected?
“No not all of them, Diego replied, again like in the movie, The Never Ending Story’ there were still places in Fantasia that were not yet affected by ‘the nothing’, but that is only for so long until it showed up there as well; Its spreading very fast, sooner or later there will be nothing left in this universe that is not confused.” The little grains that are left behind are the ones that are immune to the confusion cause they are able to understand it and redo what ever they want to, but not until the end and beginning.
“Ah I see, I said, just like when a body gets sick it can rapidly spread through the whole body the universe is no different. Its all just a micro of a macro organism: the cell, is a small version of the body, the body is a smaller version of the planet and the planet is a smaller version of the universe; so what happens to one happens to all of them like a ripple, we are all affected. But just cause the body dies does not mean the mind dies or some of the cells it can act like seeds that are more attentive and evolved so as not to go down that thought form again.”
Yes he said what do you think would happen if your cells in your body became aware that they live in a body apart of greater being and they thought of you as some kind of god, so they stopped doing what they usually do and start to build temples to praise and worship you and fight with other cells making wars in your name. What would that do to your body? You would die and that is what people are doing in being busy with their idiot beliefs not only are they killing each other but the body the planet in which you live and your god. Jess if this happened to you would you want your cells to worship you or try to contact you? Do you care about your cells? No, nor should you its ridiculous it’s the same by trying to contact or seek approval from some god its totally irrelevant and dangerous.”

I started to think about the work I had been doing for the past 7 years and how much of an obsession, this idea of contact with ET’s. So many now a days want to contact them and talk with them. They obsess about seeing UFOs in the sky. They cannot and will not save us, nor should we look to them for answers. The Pleiadians or any of the races we commonly hear about are not perfect nor are they divine, but many like to think they are. Even if they actually are making contact with us we can guarantee they will be confused.
How many times have we and others that we know who wanted to help or make things right but they did not really know what they were doing which ended up making things worse? If we are confused how can we help others? We will only lead them to more confusion even if you have the best intentions.
There are so many pictures online of alien masters. Most of the information about the Pleiadians or other cosmic beings/races, channeled entities come from the military as an experiment, Just like there is remote viewing there is also remote suggesting and the person thinks its their own idea or they are being spoken to by some divine being. (wifi mind remember, such things are as easy as sending an email that is if you have the coordinates or email address.)
I also think its kind of suspicious and convenient that these deities that are sweeping the new age circuit are super attractive, there is no picture of an ugly ET’s except if they are considered low vibration or evil of course again very Hollywood this is bias and racist, this is medias brainwashing for us at its finest. Conveniently they are all sexually alluring, which is a good tool to blind and drug a person on ideas and hopes, it’s the same thing with models and actresses they are all mostly attractive which is a marketing ploy, that kind of hypnotizes us and stagnates our ability to think, this breeds delusion thus more confusion.
Even most of the light workers and other people claiming to be starseeds are often very attractive and mostly blond woman. This formula works, their message is always about love and positivity, trying to emulate an idea of divine, not being really integral or honest, because they are not really thinking what they are saying just repeating something they heard.
Then Diego said,
“Another thing to consider is how the religions, the spiritualisms, the philosophers, the gurus, the self-proclaimed ”illuminated people” those that we call ”ascended masters” whoever we believe they are..
They all tried to put an end to intelligence.. to conclude the evolutionary process of thinking.. With something rhetorical, and superficial even profoundly stupid as such as truth is love and love is truth.
And what do we have today ?
Nothing! We just wait for some ascension to come desperately trying to get out of the mist. Is this intelligence?
Is the act of trying to conclude the evolutionary process of thinking the mind requires to everlastingly evolve (hopefully freely) to be considered as an act of intelligence?

An indication of intelligence is surely to be found in a mind which is not satisfied with a certain belief, whether ”illumination” or ”god”, or ”spirituality” and so on .. because, (please do not get offended), the believer mind cannot really match evolutive intelligence : it’ trapped into limitations and hopes.. and this condition brings about stupidity (as history, not just the speaker here, suggests)..
Obviously an intelligent mind is a mind who observes with no needs to find out ultimate answers:
the existential seeker, the spiritual seeker, may can think, think, think and over think.. or just sit down and play their mantra or meditation..
but they cannot be evolutionarily intelligent .. They cannot evolve intelligently in total psychological freedom:
They can only wait, hope, practice, imitate, repeat, worship, venerate, pray…circumnavigating the same belief perhaps by giving it different names, but nothing changes.
Intelligence is inquiry.. psychological freedom of inquiring in our own mind through a process of thinking absolutely external from all belief, solution, ”keys” whatsoever, ”spiritual purposes” or transcendental hopes of any kind..

Where there are no longer conditioned elements between the observer and their thought.. then there is intelligence
and this pure, radical intelligence, cannot longer be corrupted by beliefs, anthropocentric applications of meanings in life and no identity any more..

One shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about these things
Stupidity and superficiality should be, indeed, the basic pillars on which each educational system and family and society should be founded. We can not keep going this way, where are we after going this way for so long?
Where are we now? We are still stuck and struggling with the same things thousands of years ago thus the same problem over and over again, limbo loop yet again.”

I thought more about how we are not thinking when it comes to the new age using the Pleiadies as an example, it’s a huge star cluster do we really think they look all the same? Why don’t people think more thoroughly about these things my goodness before accepted someone else’s claims? That’s like someone meeting Diego and saying everyone from earth wears all black spiked hair sunglasses etc. There are many other races in the Pleiadies. Not to mention a major factor that how they actually look is not how we see them. The eyes decode something different, it is what the brain decodes in that way most gets lost in visual translation from the brains past conditioned beliefs/ ideas which effects greatly what the eyes see and how they see it. It is also why in that translation of beliefs and ideals that most of us can only see the matrix and nothing past it.
The problem is we care more about the movie projected on the screen of our minds then we do about the projector, which is producing all the movies of the mind.
It’s a very clever subtle conditioning that people are very fond of to the point most are more then willing to fight so as to keep it protected and projected what they want to continue seeing, as only this one movie in front of us is reality after all. But even more problems and confusions happen when we feel something beyond the hologram and try to explain it with the intellectual and memory decoding and the past which is not perception at all. So if we think without perception and all the other facets of the mind working together equally in harmony, then we are technically not thinking thus it often equals a disaster. As the other facets of the mind outside of intellect and memory is something that thoughts and words can never convey, nor should it even be explained or shared, it must be private.
There are many things beyond our comprehension rather then always intellectualizing it, the best thing is to feel it and observe with-out any filters or beliefs so as to understand fully how deep and profound this goes. If we are able to not personalize, label, or judge it then one is more likely to understand intuitive information spontaneously just like how we did when we were children, which was understanding with out learning, a kind of inner knowing.
Electrons bi-locate themselves, so do thoughts, so do planets, when we are less confused we can observe this psychological process.
Then we will see what we need to know and do when we need to do. It will bi-locate to us, it will seem so spontaneous but its natural.
It’s unnatural to have too much unnecessary clutter/beliefs/ideas/conditioning on our hard drive to the point that the computer/our mind can barely function.

The con happens when we accept someone else’s idea/fantasy/interpretation/conditioning that a Star-being Et or deities looks a certain way, then its easy from their to have a dream or vision even an N.D.E.’s of them in that form because its in our expectations. It’s the exact same with all religious deities that appear, they will always appear in what our belief comfort past reference image is.
So are they masters of the hologram or just a trick we are playing on ourselves because we want something so bad to be a certain way, to be true that we can convince ourselves of it?
It’s a scientific fact that if a person pretends to eat something and they imagine it very clearly that the mind cannot tell the difference between real and pretend and will convince us that it actually happen. This is the same for psychological fears how we can get so explosively reactive to ideas thoughts memories illusions in our mind that make us unstable confused and violent. Many people get stuck in this kind of thinking to the point that they do not know how to think in any other way thus they become at the mercy of their mind. So many want their beliefs/lies/illusions to be true and real the way they are being presented to us as it represents an escape from our dull lives and hope of something better far away outside of ourselves, so we pretend like it is actually happening and so we become addicted to being unconscious actors and reactors. We all do it more then we are aware and if we were to be aware of just how much we do this we would be shocked. There is no escape from our life and our psychological mess. If we really want to be free from our confusion then we need to start being honest with ourselves and stop accepting others beliefs and ideas images as your own private proof and special connection to them. When a person keeps going in this way the mind eventually collapses.

So the planet is a quarantined hologram and the universe is a quarantined hologram to. How we see the universe is not how it really is and looks. I have always suspected this.
Even so seemingly technology advanced beings with all their fancy abilities, still do not have it all together. Thus having wiped each other out many times and yet here we are looking for advice from them… its not a good idea to trust something outside of ourselves for information it will always be dishonest, why? It is understandable when we feel so confused inside we can not just so easily find the answers and solutions inside of ourselves answers and solution searching is a scam of its own. Its dangerous and an act of violence to search for answers and solutions if you’re confused. As you see clearly that action leads to more confusion and frustration. We cannot find anything when we are searching through our confusions, as it’s not the same as understanding, observing or being attentive, they are two very different things. Diego kept repeating this but it took such a long time to sink in perhaps because of all the things that I had to dismantle first so as to be attentive enough in my mind, to see myself doing this. At that I came out of my thoughts and look at Diego and said,

“Well I for one am sick of these same old alien beings people talk about, and not to mention they are always fighting as well even the greek gods how great is it to be a god if your still confused and fighting all the time over stupid stuff? Diego can you make a picture for me of a race that no one has heard of before that lives totally differently then how we do here, a peaceful beings maybe romantic as well?
We have lived so long in this craziness; it’s hard to fathom what life looks like with out it.”

A few days later while I was being inattentive caught up in my internal dramas and struggles Diego made a picture and posted it.

Oh this is neat I thought and automatically hit the like button, it did not dawn on me that this was the picture I asked him to make. Yet that picture kind of haunted me it was so different and interesting I decided to ask him about it.

“They are called the Runners, he said, it’s the picture you asked me to make. Is it a past life or a future life I asked?
There’s not really a ‘past life’ or ‘future life’ (even if, according with the brain & human mind’s decoding that it looks like there is a time there is no time, we just convinced ourselves of this and it’s a common misunderstanding)..There is no such thing as time only to a linear mind, the sun movements has nothing to do with psychological time. We think in a linear way rather then a non-linear way thus we are prisoners of time, misunderstandings. We have tailored our life to think through the illusion of time thus we have so much fear and frustration with time. Time is fear. What we call or try to define, as ‘past or future’ lives are truly & simply just different timelines.
Meaning; if in a past life I’ve been a woman in France in say the 1600’s that isn’t really a previous life: it’s a timeline (perhaps its almost identical with the timeline in which i live)… But if I were to move back in time right to the 1600’s at the same place looking for that woman, (receding along my actual timeline), it doesn’t necessarily imply that that woman exists at that place & time ‘because mine is just a different timeline and not necessarily her timeline. We can not go to a time line that already happened we can go to the same location and date but it will just create another time line an alternate one where the change is subtle because of my presence; which makes everything else change, so it could never be the same time line recreated. So time travel how we think it is or goes, you know the classic idea such as in back to the future that if we go back in time to meet our parents before we were born and we make a mistake that results in our parents never meeting thus you never being born does that mean we will not exist? No, not at all, you will still exist but it will just be another time line. Another version of you will be created. Just like how in a dream our mind creates a back story for the person we are; even though we know its not really us or our actual life, because of all the differences that do not seem to bother us, while we are dreaming, until we awake we are like what how strange?”
“So, I said trying to grasp this, Andrew Basiago that man I did a 6 hour interview with (that interview made this guy so famous that he ended up on coast to coast this interview is why I have so many hits on youtube) who was said to have time traveled did not actually time travel? What a scam.” Diego answered with, “Andrew Basiago and other people especially the kids that were involved was just a military project/experiment to convince them that they had time traveled through hypnoses. All of them were made to think they were on mars and had traveled to the past and the future, its actually not so hard to do, it’s a kind of hypnosis. However they found that if it’s done to a person young enough then that person has a high mental risk of being lost to stories like this, made up by other people. It was also set up that when these kids were old enough they would have a memory trigger aside from people in their life telling them they had this experience so as to confirm it to them but the ultimate set up would be when they would meet the others who also had the same memories with seeing each other there. Like a script written out and played out exactly yet the actors are totally unaware something like the ‘Truemen Show’ movie but on a more expanded scale.
Time travel is boring to Diego. There is no time he always says at least not the way we think of it, it would be better if people saw time as more of sphere or an ocean otherwise its just boring time line limbos. They do not seem so boring to me I was still fascinated by them at that time. “So, I said, are you saying that no one has traveled through time, that is a total hoax is that what you are saying Diego?” he responded with, “If there is no time then there is no time travel just our perception of it thinking through the illusions and beliefs.” “Then we can-not travel into the future either?” I asked. “If we could think about it then we would have people coming back all the time right, but no one does, just through their dreams or memories, or temp apparitions because they would actually end up in another time line.” He said.

Diego then got up and though it was very dark he was able to see a young green mamba snake hunting in his frog pond. Diego went to talk to the snake and even tried to move it with a stick. (This is very dangerous; this snake is deadly and could easily jump and bite him if he wanted to.) I did not know this but Diego informed me just how far a snake can jump. I was so afraid for Diego and when i expressed my concern he causally said, “do not worry. I know my timeline, besides he knows i will not hurt or bother him and he knows he is in no danger. I just want to move him, as he is too close to the porch, so he has no reason to bite me. If the locals see him, which is what I am more concerned about they will kill it on site.”
Speaking of knowing time lines, there have been close calls on the motorbike as well. In which we could have been in bad accident and I would cringe and bury myself in Diego’s shoulders then when it felt safe, i would peak my head out. But he did not flinch at all. Once again he said, “I know my time line.”
He seems to know my time line as well, he is careful with me but he does not worry when it looks like I am doing something that could be seen as dangerous or a close call. This has also helped me with my fears as well. Even with the poisonous spider he made me touch, I wondered how he knew it would not bite me, because what, he knew my timeline? I have known this man for 4 months at that time (now it is almost 2 years) and I can honestly say he is completely fearless and a master with understanding fear and confusion.
I tried to imagine how this world would be when it comes to fear and close calls worries and all that stuff, if we all knew not just our time lines but the ones we cared about timelines as well? If we all knew this would we still make such a mess of our lives and others lives because of fear? Or would we find another way to be enslaved by our fears? Knowing such things does not really help one understand their confusions.
(I will share more on time lines in blogs to come, but first its more pressing for us understand our confusion.)

Ok getting back to the image he made for me about the Runners alien race that lives totally different then us. I then said, “But then how does this time line stuff work for other lives and memories you have such as these runners on another planet for example? And how does one know they are not just making it up?”

Diego’s response was, “I have memories that tell me how I’ve been (or i will be… or am right now) one of these intelligent beings in another life/timeline in an unknown planet, unknown solar system, unknown galaxy & unknown time, that I hope does not also get affected by this confusion virus…
The memory of them is mostly emotional but with lots of physical and visual details too.
These beings run all life long since they were born…
They spend their whole life with a partner from right when they are born but they aren’t brothers and sisters.
(They are mostly a kind of telepathic lovers).
Their endless running side by side which is also a form of communication and its perpetually ecstatic it also takes place mostly telepathically.
They don’t eat, sleep or talk but simply run all the time…
They think perceptively having neither struggles nor any form of doubts, anxiety, fear, lassitude, insecurity or misunderstanding…
There’s no hierarchy, power, roles, indifference, separation, values…
During their rides they secrete kind of bio-luminescent powder coming from the legs/tentacles they use to run…
That’s like kind of plankton that feeds the flora & grass at the soil…
Their life is in a perpetual emotional state of bliss ’till the end… and the end of their life happens without any suffering (its just simply a day comes when they stop their running and die peacefully)…
These beings spend their life doing nothing ’cause they feed themselves not by eating food but instead by their empathy with their planet and that empathy takes place metaphysically.
Their intelligence, communication and communion uses their physical bodies but mostly it takes place on a metaphysical level of consciousness…
This form of intelligence is quite hard to understand by the human psyche which is, at the contrary, most of the time projected into projects, using thoughts coming from the past, worries regarding the future and so on…
Indeed, for most of humans, life is that thing that happens to them while they are busy in other projects…
Considering this truth.. These beings, (even from just an imaginative & intellectual point of view and regardless of the fact they are a totally different form of life), can truly be masters of life… at least by offering to the human mind the possibility to appreciate the wisdom in doing nothing without being passive… but fully awake perceptively…
If we can do this then our imagination which is a precise technology can not be used to perpetuate the confusion, its through our perception, to think not just with the intellect and with out beliefs that we can do so much.”

I had so many questions still but I stopped and just pondered the Runners, what it must be like to live like that and how Diego described it as if I was right there or had been there with him before or maybe its happening now I do not know. It made me think that amidst the mess there is peace and non confusion it is going on, there are lives of things, that we do not know how to think of, but yet they are still there somewhere in our minds universe. I remember Diego also saying that trees and all other plants and animals are not confused or in a limbo either except the ones that had interacted with humans. Animals in general are a good example of non confusion, evolution and perception they are the true spiritual speakers/examples if you like.


Chapter 2: Enter Joakim

In my last blog in the last chapter I shared about Joakim a young man from Sweden who came to visit us around this time. I did not know it at the time but he would be the first of many that would come out to Bali to visit me. He is a really nice guy that just felt very compelled to do this trip to Bali. He has wanted to just pick up and go for a long time, but nothing stood out to him until he saw a post in which I shared I was in Bali; and it clicked for him, that’s it.. That’s what I want to do he thought and he bought a ticket just like that a few weeks after that realization he was in Bali.
I grilled him with questions so I could know his intentions to make sure he was coming out for the right reasons not because he had some crush or something. He has never done something like this so he was in shock of himself doing such a thing, and being pulled like that so spontaneously. I found him at a cafe that I suggested we meet at. Joakim, was in total culture shock, starving and sleep deprived. So i suggested a green smoothie, that will hydrate him right away. Then took him to a reasonably priced home stay place to check into for the night, that I arranged for him to stay at when he arrived and so he could have a place to drop his bags off, just in case he wanted to explore right away.
I gave him some time to shower and got him to change from his sweaty Swedish clothes, into some shorts, while I waited outside for him.
I guess I was a bit bossy and pushy poor swedie (which was a nick name I gave him). I took him out to dinner i ordered him a mango banana smoothie to make sure he got his vitamins then i got him a coconut water so he would have his electrolytes and we both had a nasi goring for lunch (which is the main dish here that consists of rice eggs veggies and chicken) then i brought him back to his place and ordered he go to sleep at 3pm.

The next day he told me how he had decided to come and visit me in Bali after a couple of letters he sent me and his own personal struggle, with too much anxiety and stress about going back to work doing something he did not like that sucked his life force out of him or the fear of having to stay on unemployment which turned into an uncomfortable stagnation, but yet still not free of society saying no you need to do something. Aside form that he was struggling with being around people in general. “There is just too much fake people around now a days.” He said. And he always felt judged the accumulation of all these things were driving him crazy worrying all the time of what others thought of him. It is a lot of stress having to keep up with such thoughts and ideals. He needed a break from his world, to be somewhere more peaceful and with people that would understand him and his situation and what was really going on. He knew I was in Bali so he asked if he could come and visit us out here and I said yes your more then welcome to, he flew out shortly after that, he said he was planning to stay in Bali for about 6 months. I introduced Jaokim to Diego and they got along very well right away. There was no male competition or showing off or anything like that. Joakim started to confide in Diego to the point that I saw joakims social anxiety dwindle away.
Diego was solid and clear with Joakim and that was just what Joakim needed to get his mind out of the funk it was in.
Diego also helped joakim to find a nice motor bike however there was only one good bike left and it happened to be pink but joakim did not care and he rode it anyway. Joakim and i also got along really well. I was glad to have another person to talk to in a different pace and vibe then with Diego. When I talked with Joakim it was easier, less intense, the content was not so heavy and he did not give me a headache like Diego tended to do.
With Joakim I could forget about the gravity of the world and universes situation and just enjoy life and have some fun for once, laughing, playing joking, things like that. As I could not really do that with Diego, he had a totally different kinds of humor, that was private only he seemed to get it and he mostly kept it to himself. Diego did not like having fun if there was confusion or if humor was used to avoid thinking or pressing matters, this was considered fake to him. I did understand this but it was not easy and I felt I was not there yet. I just needed a break from this intensity, deepness and responsibility; my brain needed a break. Not to mention always feeling depressed yet still in love with Diego somehow despite all that heavy content he shared with me. I just missed my playful side and was glad that I could share that Joakim.

Chapter 3: Sacred Waterfalls is a Beach of Confusion

The following 2 weeks we did many little trips with Joakim showing him around.
The first places we took him to was a waterfall about 30 minutes away, we had not been there before. We were invited to this place by some people, I met at Wolfs place. (see older blogs to find out more about Wolf.) I did not really know these people that well but they were around my age and they seemed to want to be my friend, and I did not really have any friends that were living in the area at the time so I decided to meet up with them and give them a chance.
Joakim was nervous about meeting up with a group of people in fact it gave him anxiety just thinking about it. But I looked at this as a good step in the direction of over coming his fears of being around groups of people. I am all about initiating new ways to get a person out of their comfort zone. We cannot understand our fears if we insist on hiding and avoiding it.
These new friends we met up with were very new agey but Joakim did alright in which he was able to handle them with out much anxiety.
They were a mixed culture bag from all over the world first was the girl I met at Wolfs place she is from Australia/UK, her boyfriend she brought along was from Argentina, and his friend who is from indian, and his girlfriend from Sweden; which helped to make Joakim a bit more comfortable right away. They could both speak the Ikea Volvo tongue to each other.

We then all motor biked to our first waterfall that was at some ceremonial sacred place for the locals. Everyone went swimming in this waterfall except me, Diego and Joakim. We just observed and found it to be a bit strange to see our friends being so inclined to ceremony and the sacred. Which is basically a structured authority and a routine. Some may say show respect to others beliefs/ culture but if we do that then we can not see it fully for what it is, or the insanity of it and so we just end up excusing it and all the violence that goes with it justifying in the name of beliefs and respect.
How can we respect and accept something if we are confused and petty ourselves? How can we expect to accept and respect something we do not fully understand with such a fragmented limited way of thinking? That can only mean we do not actually know what we are accepting and respecting to begin with, we do not know that we are conditioned to accept and respect something violent and petty. We are told we must accept ourselves as well, but it’s a trap if we accept ourselves then we are also accepting and allowing all our conditioning, pettiness and internal violence to continue on within us all as well.

I just sat near by with the boys wondering why we do these strange things why are we such slaves to our rituals and beliefs? Is it fear or is it because we feel less then? Diego wanted us to observe with him to see what he was able to see so we can better understand how and why people are such a mess today and why it is not getting better but worse. This could only be seen when observing with out any of our own filters/conditioning in the way.
This is what we observed that day, an absurd concept/idea that only the spirits and sacred places and spaces can heal and cleanse us. We have convinced ourselves of this, and few are able to think to even question such things. Then we act like we are all healed and all is right in the world and that place that helped this fake euphoria really is powerful, but it is nothing more then a placebo experience.
There is no such thing as a sacred space its just somebodies invention. You never see animals getting crazy over some idea of sacred this or that, they could not care less about such absurdities. I wonder how the world would be if we no longer cared about the rituals and routines of our beliefs, superstition culture and sacred what ever? As it is right now people care so much about this act like they have fully healed but when we go home all the difficulties and insecurities come back again, alas you can not escape or fool yourself out of reality for long. These psychological drugs ware off and reality is there waiting for you, to kick your ass; because of our neglect and negligence to what must be faced and understood.
Places that many consider to be sacred and treated that way by people tend to attract people with their confused energy to it. Which thus affects the area and adds more confusion to the so-called sacred place. People may indeed be feeling the energy and it may feel powerful to, but they do not know how to decode such energy they do not know how to tell the difference between confused energy and non confused energy they just assume it is sacred healing. But really it just makes the confusion spread more it becomes contagious in this way as well to everyone who goes to that spot.
Diego thinks people who say they work with healing energy have no idea what they are talking about its totally ridiculous to him. They can-not pretend to know what quantum energy is if not even quantum scientists do not know what it is. Its just a scam a business for people to feel special and compensate for their insecurities that they want to hide and justify it; by ‘I’m a good person, I’m helping people’.
I argued with him on this to, but then again, I myself was in that field and knew how most of these so called healing modalities started such as quantum touch for example which was created by a guy so he could get laid. I had talked to many woman that had experienced this from him and even though many were turned off most of them fell for his I’m so conscious bait. Hook line and sinker spirituality gets you laid.
Aside from that there are so many places like this especially ones where people flock to because of some miracles and so on. We are so good of convincing ourselves of such falsehood that we can even make our body believe it and thus we are healed sure maybe physically but mentally we are even worse. And now we are willing to fight and argue and even die to defend this belief this experience of consciousness we had, like it has become our drugs and people get ugly when you call them out on their drugs. For it has abducted our whole life and we are then able to think only through this particular belief and experience; and because we made it so strong in our heads we refuse to question it to us it is the solid and full truth and it comes from our heart. We think we are following our heart that this is the answer within that it must be true, but its obvious that this is a classic trap that has worse effects in the long run.
So yes I did see that many were scammers and being scammed in the new age arena I certainty often witnessed this, but it was still hard for me to think that every healer and person who was healed was a scammer and had been scammed as well by this. Were their any real healers or is it all delusion?

I remember it was also raining pretty heavy at the time regardless of that though our friends still insisted to swim in this sacred waterfall. The rain stopped when we decided to leave.
We then drove to another waterfall, a bigger one. We had to do a lot of walking to this next waterfall doing our best to avoid the merchants, but we were not able to avoid the mandatory sarongs for such sacred land of course.
So sacred and chauvinistic that if a woman has her period she is not able to come on. Joakim and I and the rest of the gang were all give big long sarongs and funny enough Diego was not given the same as everyone else instead he was given something like a pink belt. That was just too funny to me because it looked like a pink karate belt.
We then all went and perched ourselves up on some rocks. We had some snacks, such as passion fruit and snake fruit. After that we all decided to go for a dip in a stream that had a very temping and fun natural and strong underwater whirlpool. We all swam except Diego of course; he is always the man who prefers to be on the outside observing everyone, but not participating in what the others do. He would only go in the water for his own reasons never because everyone else is doing it. Which at the time was fine by me. I thought as long as I have a nice view of him standing and modeling his pink scarf belt.
We then had to do this crazy muddy uphill hike through the rice fields to get to this other waterfall which had very raw intense volcanic like energy. It was more pristine as few people bothered trying to get out to it most preferred the easy access ones. I could see why many chose to avoid this waterfall as well, because it was a bit risky in the attempt of finding the best places to maneuver yourself in the waters current without hitting or stepping on rocks.
But if your able to figure out the right way to make it across with out being pushed right back to the beginning and having to start over again you could then go behind the waterfall and feel its intensity and the really neat echo.
The getting back hike was also tricky, Diego was a total gentlemen/attentive watching out for areas that may be difficult for me and where he might have to lend his hand to make sure I got across safely. When I complimented him on how kind and considerate he was, he said, “no it’s not that at all. I was not trying to be kind or get points with you; I do not care about these things. I just did it because it was logical and natural for me. I had no hidden intentions behind it and nor do I care to be kind or seen as kind to others.” Ok I thought in a bit of shock from his response I was only trying to give him a compliment and he rejected that and turned into another opportunity for me to think and see the conditioning in that perception as well.

Before we headed back on our bikes we had a nice ice-cream while the others were eating their health snacks; talking about spiritual and vegan things.
Then Diego lit a cigarette and our so seeming friends the health nuts started to judge him immediately, I can feel it from them. They try to talk to him about it but he does not care to their rhetorical speech and decides to go further away from them.
When he was done he came back and sat next to me and the UK friend decides to try to explain again about the importance of body health and how unhealthy smoking is. “Here, he offered, have one of my dried soy snack. Its organic to.” he said. Diego replied back with, “just because it says organic on the label does not mean it actually is organic. Nothing is organic anymore, but people do not want to admit that. People still buy ridiculously expensive food just because it says organic. This particular snack you got was made in Bali and everything here especially the soy is GMO and saturated with chemicals that are not mentioned in the ingredients so its not healthy at all technically my cigarette and my ice cream is more healthy then your snack. But I rather die from smoking then from a confused mind, smoking is not as contagious as confusion is.”
To which this guy from the UK responded with, “but I believe it is healthy and that is enough; because my thoughts, my beliefs create my reality. So if I believe hard enough then that changes the energy it cancels out all the bad stuff, and turns back into its original divine and pristine state which goes back to making it healthy for me. I know what I am talking about cause I read lots of books and did a number of workshops to be able to do this.”
At this response which was beyond stupid to Diego, he said, “Really, then why not go to Fukishma and eat the food there believing that its healthy and fine to eat, or purify the food there with your divine thoughts so the people can eat it again? Even if you were able to purify your food that would not rid you of your confusion and all your suffering and your desperate attempt to cover it up? Do you not care about the health of your mind, is your body more important then your mind? A healthy mind can in turn make the body healthy but it is not the case the other way around. What is the point of having a healthy body if your mind is a mess, which it is clear it is because you’re thinking.” The guy did not know how to respond to that he was dumb stuck then his friends feeling the awkwardness and not wanting to think about this changed the subject to something about consciousness and the divine. This made Diego eyes roll so got up and left yet again this time around the corner. It was clear there was no way you could talk to these people or get them to think. People like this are totally boring to him. Joakim and I just stayed put observing everything trying to understand these people’s minds and what is going on inside them to make them this way.
Then suddenly we heard all these dogs barking and everyone was saying, “What’s that?” I said, “Its probably Diego.”
Sure enough I turned the corner to see him with all the dogs gathered around him. I then went back to confirm this to the rest of the group. They asked me what he is doing and I said, “he’s talking to the dogs, perhaps feeding them to as most of them are starving here.” While everyone was busy talking about spirituality, Diego was busy talking/listening and connecting with the dogs, with nature that is more interesting then those people to him.
He did not have to talk about spirituality or consciousness or any absurdities like that. I remember how everyone looked at him strangely. I said all the animals love him and will come from near and far to seek him out, even insects. It’s incredible. He is like an ‘Ace Ventura Pet Detective’ with animals; in how they just flock to him, and the connection he has with them, its really something else. To be able to witness how the animals all seem to know him, and allow him into the ‘animals secret club’, ‘secret world,’ where all caution from the animals are gone.

Later on when I asked Diego about this he said, “you know I have heard so many talk about spirituality, but they have no clue, they are totally inattentive instead. One time when I was at a restaurant and there were these new age people they ordered huge amounts of chicken, and as they talked about consciousness in front of them was a starving dog who was politely and silently waiting for someone to give him something to eat. But these people were so lost in what they were saying they did not see the dog they were not able to observe their surroundings and then they got up and left leaving all this left over food. The waitress came and was cleaning the table about to take everything away to the garbage and I stopped her and said, “”but cant you see there is a starving dog in front of you, would it hurt to give him just a little bit of the bones or left overs?”” It’s the same with the temples here they are built up to be so grand and beautiful, but outside on the streets there are poor people starving, inside they are wasting food burning it for offerings to their gods, this is a mental illness.
Or another time I was in the car with some new age people again they talking about spirituality, they were so carried away by their conversation, again non of them were attentive they did not notice that they ran over a baby duck, and they did not seem to care when I pointed it out to them, they did not stop, they just kept on going with their conversation as if nothing had happened. Is this what it means to be conscious? Is this what we can expect from people who strive to have shifted because this looks pretty disturbing to me and I am wondering why no one speaks up about this?
There is nothing divine or conscious nor spiritual about stupidity and confusion. All these words are ideas we invented to justify our actions. There is no such thing as divine conscious or spiritual. People are striving for someone else’s idea of what is ideal for them because they are unable to think for themselves. They want to be conscious but this desire alone is making them even pettier. They can not see the word ‘con’ conscious, it’s a scam and besides the conscious mind uses such a small percent of our brain compared to the unconscious but no one thinks about this they want conscious and boy did they get it, porco dio.”

The second place we took Joakim was to the beach, it was one of the nicer beaches in Bali. There was not that much garbage floating around everywhere like some other beaches that we sometimes go to, where the ocean is so full of shoes that its hard to swim in, its a literal sea of shoes.
This beach had white sand and very little rocks which was good news for my feet, the other beach the sand is black and full of rocks. At first I stayed by Diego’s side but he seemed to be lost to his own inner world having his communication with the sea I asked him questions like what is the sea saying and such but I felt so stupid and primitive. Then I felt like I was annoying and bothering him with all my silly questions making noise, rather then staying silently with him not saying anything. This is hard for me I always have so many questions. Sitting silently also was frustrating because I did not hear anything in the silence not like how Diego was able to. I found myself often comparing myself with him I could not stop myself. Finally I decided that since I was bothering Diego and he likes being on his own and does not need me that I would let him be and do his own thing and instead I went over where Joakim was and swam with him. I do not know how many hours we spent talking I am really bad with keeping track of time. I always have no concept of time, 10 minutes could easily feel like an hour to me and an hour even 2 hours could seem like 10 minutes to me. I can not for the life of me decipher this and I also really hate watches which were like shackles to my wrist bossing me around on what I should do, even if I have a watch I do not look at it. I like to be free from time, until there is no time, where time does not matter; though I know it can seem very negligent to Diego.
I also was not aware I was flirting with Joakim, not even when I was doing a bit of my jessages on him (jessica massages two words combined) I did not think anything of it because before I used to jessage anyone with out ever thinking it was inappropriate, but it was inappropriate. Just because I could not see it; that did not matter, it does not change the facts. Again I felt this ease and comfortable around Joakim and it was so refreshing to me, Joakim did not challenge my beliefs and conditioning. There was no dismantling work of any kind, nor was their any depressing content. Also Joakim seemed to need me which I realized how important it was for me to be needed, I was so sure I needed that to, perhaps I needed him as well? This however does not justify my behavior but it was just were my head was at that time.
Diego was of course observing from far away and later on when we got home he brought it to my attention. I then saw how bad that could look. I tried to explain my reasons but he knew what was behind those reasons and he did not like it. I took the way he expressed his thoughts in a way that made me feel so low about myself like I was a terrible person, so inconsiderate. He wanted me to see what inattentiveness and confusion does, but I did not see it that way. I instead beat myself up rather then being able to see how the mind works the tricks and traps it sets up for us, and just how our conditioning works to sabotage us; so as not to see how we hide when we are confused or in fear. Of course deep down I knew it was not him that made me feel like crap, I made myself feel this way as of all the ways there is to interpret information I choose the self commiseration and apathy option and I wanted to blame him for it, such as this would not have happened if he showed a bit more affection and attention to me rather then being ignored, or maybe I purposely wanted him to be jealous to see if he cared for me or not. Diego was not judging me though I convinced myself he was. Either I made Diego or myself into the enemy. But I was the only one judging myself, I kept convincing myself that it was always myself that was at fault not my conditioning, there is a huge difference between the two I just could not see it at the time. Then all that Diego shared earlier about the waterfalls is a bitch of confusion observations/conversations came pounding through my door like a garbage waterfall in my brain, that brought about so many unsettling unpleasant scary realizations.


Chapter 4: The Hypocrites Shift Hits the Fan

I knew what Diego was talking about but it was also very challenging even sobering for me to understand, because while I was talking with Diego about these things and agreeing; I was still simultaneously talking about spiritual things with my followers and in my writings. As I look back to what I was writing at that time now makes me cringe stuff like 5th dimensional love and spirit guides I can see just how confused I was and the confusion I was spreading. I am surprised all this while talking with diego about the absurdities and dangers of this thinking I was able to hide it from myself, to is kind shocking saying one thing with him and another in my private time. In that I could see it for one thing but not for another thing, somehow I thought they we not related and it only applied for one thing but not the other. When really it is all-inclusive when it comes to the whole spiritual gambit of nothingness.
I now know Diego was following my posts to at that time and was observing my split mind, my conditioning and how it worked. He knew the mechanics of this so well no wonder he was always 10 steps ahead of me, and that nothing I said or did surprised him.
I was soon to see that its one thing to talk about this and agree with it, but to break the new age spiritual pattern of thinking is another thing all together, its old habits really do die hard. Yes, I was that confused mess he was talking about but he was careful to never say that to me directly in that intense way but in an observer general way. So whenever we spoke I could agree yes other people are like that they do do that but not me no, I am not struggling with that, ha. He always talks in a general way and says do not take it personal I’m not talking about you but the majority I’m sure he said that now cause he knew that dismantling a person is like psychological surgery, or dismantling a bomb, he had to be careful that I would not freak out and collapse instead he showed me from afar and never said anything about my posts. In fact he never liked or commented on anything I did on facebook whether it was about him or not and that alone would make me upset with him. I would always think he does not care about me, or what I have to say, or how others see our relationship. I struggled with this thinking that our relationship looks like its one sided, I liked and shared everything of his, but he does not do the same for me, this is not how a couple on facebook should be. My audience needs to know he cares for me, or they will think I am just infatuated and brainwashed by him.
When I mentioned this to Diego he said, “I do not care what others think and you only think and care about this because you compare your relationships with others. You think your relationship needs to be like theirs, which is an idea, a concept, an illusion and because of that alone you make a whole story a drama and so you struggle. This to is a belief and self-conditioning to something that is not tangible, that you give relevance to. “You made it into your drug and if you do not get it then it’s a reason to struggle and make a fight. But I am sorry this is not a relationship, this is control and manipulation and I will not play that game with you; in fact I will destroy this kind of thinking every time. Your not in a relationship with me your in a relationship with your conditioning and its an illusion. I will not give into this; “”you do not care for me because you do not do this and that.””
I was not being purposely manipulative and Diego knew this. He knew it was not me, it was my conditioning, which he saw like a virus, that he must not feed, no matter how upset or the amount of intensity I will go through from the with drawl of this psychological drug I self created. This was a real slap in the face to me. Diego always made me feel sick to my stomach in facing the reality of people and myself.
He was right I was comparing my relationship with others; I was looking online about other spiritual speaker couples. I was seeing what they were doing and how they were representing themselves online to the world. All those happy pictures together, the workshops, and funny romantic videos they were doing together. I attempted to make similar pictures with Diego that I posted on facebook but they turned out to be awkward, which you can tell in the photos Diego pulling away not liking being put in a position to be fake force a smile so the world can see how happy and in love we are.
I continued to look at examples of spiritual couples in relationships such as for example Leija Turnunen and Philip Sparx. They looked so happy and perfect, they were having fun together, they were speaking on behalf of each other always saying how each other was so wonderful. Now that is a couple I thought, and that’s how it should be, why is it not like that for me, I wondered? Only to find out later on that what I was looking at of course was an illusion, they turned out to be older pictures, and Leija and Philip had divorced a while ago. Their relationship was not as perfect as they made it to be online, Leija was now with a new guy and with that all the pictures as well of the perfect couple again, and how much they loved each other and this is my soul-mate. (more on Leija in blogs to come) It made me upset that we could be so fake like that and fooled like that. In which we care more about how we look to others and what others think then the actual relationship and person itself.
I mean I did that to with my traveling videos with Jessica Shackleton in our Shabby Shack Shamanista youtube show. It looked like I had this wonderful perfect life I did not mention in the videos any of my personal struggling or what it was really like with Jess, or what I was going through at that time with my ex, or why I was traveling no instead I focused only how inspiring my life is. So how could I be upset with Leija if I was doing the same in my own way?
I thought I was being honest about my life and with myself but not really, not enough. This was shocking for me because I have made myself known as the girl who shared more then anyone dares to share. I was considered so honest; I made this my identity and believed it. Yet Diego showed me how I had deceived myself, and thus was not so honest after-all. So my identity of being the honest girl also got shot to hell.
What service are Lieja and I and all the other spiritual/motivational speakers really doing for others by making others think we have a perfect, divine life, and follow me if you want to be as happy and spiritual as me to live a life like mine?
The only service it does is feed the illusion that people perceive and build us up on the pedestal even if we say we do not want to be on a pedestal, that only ends up raising our guru status and thus we get more clients. Is this really helping others or are we really just helping ourselves indirectly? We convinced ourselves we were helping others but we were actually making them worse by feeding and making people want to peruse are illusions. We/i could not see that, or we refused to see that. For me I know I could not see it, but for others spiritual speakers I knew when I tried to explain to them about all this, many of them were able to see it, to see what we were really doing, but refused to see it, then that was another thing all together, to know but pretend like you do not makes you a scam. To not know, and believe your own lies and illusions, makes one a victim; I was in the victim category.
Diego and I would often talk about the 2 kinds of spiritual speakers in the first category there is the one that is a victim of their spirituality and what they are doing as they are so sure they are helping they believe it fully that they can not see it, they have drugged them self on these concepts. The other is the spiritual speaker who knows they are a scam knows the content is a scam but still exploits people because of the money and consensus they get and because it is so damn easy, any idiot can do it, all you have to do is tell people what they want to hear, make it unique your own style add some mystical sparkles to it, a dash of sex appeal and fake joy and your in. This can also be applied to non-spiritual people as well as the pattern process package is all the same, a belief has this effect.
When one has this understanding, when you see it, then it must be talked about
other wise your doing a great disservice.
But this was not a simple task at all actually it was very tricky. I could not just be out and open and tell people about this either, because if I got people to see what I was getting at then they would feel like a fool, they would see themselves not as divine light beings but that they were drugged by new age ideals. They would see how they had been using me as their drug and vice versa, I made them into my drug as well. If they saw that, then they would leave me and go to someone else to drug them. There are so many people out there willing to give them what they wanted to hear, so I knew i could not expose just myself, I also felt like I had to expose the others as well, Diego had no problem exposing them. No not just me we all had to see we are all of us drugs, drug users and drug pushers in one way or another.
But I knew then what people would say that Diego and I are arrogant they would take it as if only we are right and everyone else is wrong and a scam, how convenient for them.
It was so frustrating, I felt like I was damned if I did, and damned if I did not. But it was not about who was right and who was wrong it was about exposing the drug pushers and that we are all addicted to our psychological belief drugs in one way or another, we must know about the psychological harm it does. No wonder I started to lose so many followers and why so many people saw me as a hypocrite and negative lost to the dark side. Who did I think I was to attack others like that is how I’m sure they saw it but that is not what it was doing; so few people where able to see it for what it was, and what was really going on.
We cannot sit by and watch such craziness happen when it is having such disastrous effects; we are just as guilty if we do not speak up about it. Which then again put me in another awkward and difficult place. If I bite the bullet and admit all these things and try to talk to others about this, I knew exactly how I would sound and look like, a hypocrite, a bitch, someone who has gone to the dark side, someone who has been manipulated by Diego and so on. Of course I did not like this option either but what choice did I have to just stay silent? Pretend like I never had this realization/observation and continue to do what I was doing before because so many came to be infatuated by me from it? There was no way I could do that either, it was not an option for me because I could not stomach myself when I tried to go back to my old ways of thinking and being.
This information seeped into my identity and made another crises inside me, what the heck could I do now, how do I live now? Who am I now?
This also brought about another awkward thing and that was with Diego being the one to make this painfully obvious to me; that I started to resent him and looked for more reasons to be angry with him and to fight him. Maybe he was not the perfect partner after-all.
Its really a classic though if you’re an addict to physical and psychological drugs and someone makes you aware of that and decided to be the one to help you on with the with-drawl process by not giving you the drugs no matter what you do or say, then that person is immediately your enemy, as its not you thinking anymore but the psychological drugs.
Diego would never tell me what I want to hear, he would never do what I wanted him to do instead, he always did the opposite not to be cruel but to get me to sober up from intoxicated thoughts of nothingness. I had no idea I was addicted that this could be so bad that it could have such a hold on me. Its not as simple as being told about it to make it go away, that’s the easy part to hear the speech, the hard part is the time and energy it would take to get to the recovery and shake all these illusions within illusions within a whole ocean of illusions. What chance does one have to be able to swim or surf in such an intense confusing ocean waves if one is in utter shock? The beliefs I thought that were the most beautiful pleasant and helpful and hopeful what I clung to the most were actually the most ugly and terrifying dangerous things, beyond what I could imagine. Diego would often say, “can you think about your thoughts with out the idea that created those thoughts?” Meaning can I think about my beliefs with out the beliefs or the ideas that created those beliefs? At that time no, I could not, instead I sunk even more in my beliefs.
I started to entertain conspiracies that my conditioning came up with so as to protect itself, to justify its existence, some of those thoughts were that maybe Diego was not good after all, maybe he was tricking me to think he cared for me but was just using me as an example to get back at the spiritual people that he could not tolerate. How could it be that if he could not stand those spiritual people then why the heck would he pick a spiritual speaker as a girlfriend? Why would he lead me on like this? Why bother with all this mess and drama with me? Maybe Diego was not so precise after all, maybe he was wrong on his decision for us to be a couple? It was clear it was not working, maybe I would be doing him a favor if I pushed him away save him the energy he is wasting on me.
I entertained the thoughts of going back to my old life making my usual videos and just writing like oh well I thought he was the one for me but I was wrong so lets see if I can start again and find the one that I have more in common with. No more will I negotiate myself into these impossible relationships that can not work. These thoughts were always tempting to act on. I could just see peoples responses and how easy it would be for me to be free from all this then I could go back to being blissfully happy in my ignorance once again, but like I said before I could entertain these thoughts but I could not act on them.
I saw on facebook how Diego always liked and commented on everything his ex (who I will call Adnil for this blog) posted it made me think he liked her better. Her profile seemed to indicate she was less confused and more creative then me as well. She seemed to understand Diego and have closeness with Diego him that I was jealous of. So that is what is going on, why he is not interested in being intimate with me, he never gave me any compliments, perhaps he still has a thing for his ex, he must really think I am disgustingly ugly to him, I must be some joke that he just keeps around perhaps he gets his kicks in putting me through the ringer? Then my mind would swing to another extreme of I wanted to be close with him like how he is with his ex but the more I focused on that closeness the less I focused on my confusion and Diego as a person and so it amplified and continued feeding my pettiness and our distance. This is something we can all relate to because our beliefs and conditioning have a way of spinning drama tales in our psyche.
How easy it is for us to destroy our relationships with these illusions.
I think Diego knew that though I did threaten him with such which I am sure he saw it coming. Whenever I spoke to him about this or why he is with me he would just say, “its mathematics” and walk away.
“What the heck does that mean,” I whined?
“It means come talk to me when your ready to think about your thoughts with out the thoughts that created those thoughts.” Was his response.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
He said, “Find out for yourself, I have given you more then enough hints.”
“I cant, I cried, I’m not as advanced or as intelligent as you.”
“That’s another one of your beliefs and is totally stupid, he said, your just comparing again. You know how much pain you get every-time you compare. So why do you do it? Are you some kind of a masochist? I’m sorry I will not comfort or reassure you when you say such things because it will not stop you from doing it again nor will it help you to understand that all this is not you, instead it will make you use this as a drug as well then into a weapon to self destruct yet again.”
At this I fell down and started crying, there was nothing I could say or do but cry, oh my gosh I realized I was speaking for 7 years about love to many people but I had no clue what it was, this was so damn frustrating my brain was spinning so fast that it felt like it was about to collapse, the tears were pouring out of me even harder, and to Diego this was totally boring so he said, porco dio, and left but not until he finished his cigarette of course.


Chapter 5: Preparing For 2012 The End of The World

Had I known that all this was going to go happen I would have never invited my mom to come and visit me and my perfect partner Diego. Every crazy idea I had, Diego never tried to talk me out of them. He always went along with it only to show me afterwards how things really are and how I think they are and how these two things are in constant fight that make unnecessary suffering.
But I got this idea to bring my mom out when I asked my followers what they suggest I do for the end of the year? Most of them suggested for me to be with my family. I was not ready to fly back to Canada and Diego sure did not want to go and just pick up and go to Canada just to see family, this makes no sense to him.
So I decided to see if I could get them to come out here to visit me. I felt a haste to do this because 2012 was looming soon and I did not know what was going to happen. I was scared for my family and I wanted to do something just in case somewhere to happen where they were living. I thought it maybe good to have them conveniently come to Bali at that time. I tried to convince my baby brother to come and visit me but he had too much work at that time and could not afford to take a vacation or pay his expenses while he was here so he declined.
I was even willing to pay their flight tickets that’s how convinced and scared I was that something would happen, thanks to the stupid new age and conspiracy crap. I wonder how many others forced their families to move last minute as they prepared for the end of the world?
My mom was able to come out she had enough saved up that she could float by for a couple of months, plus I kept telling her how cheap and wonderful Bali is. (a lot has happened in a short amount of time to Bali, and it is no longer so cheap or wonderful but more on that later.) I really did not have enough money to pay for my moms ticket, I just convinced myself I had to do it or I may never see her again. (which is strange because I I never took the end of 2012 seriously before but when it came really close, all this conditioning that I did not pay too much attention reared its ugly head and I fell for it hook line and sinker for it like so many others. I rushed my mom to come out she had really only less then a month notice to prepare for a couple month trip. I was so tight on money I could only afford a one way ticket for her which made her very nervous, as all her friends and travel agents said she would have problems if she went on a one way its not advisable she must get a return ticket. I just told her it’s a silly fear and she should not give into what others were saying that she should just take this leap of faith and come out here anyway and find out for herself. (ah such a hypocrite I was even then.)

After that my mom kept messaging me about the research she had done in Bali. She was being a bit of paranoid hen with what she was reading. So when I had my online chats with her, she would say,
“oh I read that you can get malaria in Bali and that we need shots to go there. Also I read there was a bombing there not to long ago and that the country is unstable, there could be another bombing terrorist attack. There are muslims there to, perhaps they are dangerous and they will steal me. Also I read that there are cannibals there, and komodo dragons, I do not want to be eaten there by either of those. Are their sharks there? What if something bites or eats me then what?”
Oh I also read they do not have electricity, how is that going to work?” and on and on she went with the most ridiculous things. “Mom if we have no electricity how am I talking to you right now on the internet?” I said to show that what she was reading may not be factual.
“Oh I also read, she went on as if she did not hear me so eager to share with me everything that she read, that you’re close to the volcano. What if it erupts? Bali gets lots of earthquakes what if the big one happens while I am there? (Yes I thought it is possible that if the world is ending then its very possible that Bali may not be safe either, but oh well at least I get to have her for the little time we may have left.)
This is how it was with my mom for the following weeks she was constantly finding things about the island to scare her and most of them were not true at all, nor did it matter how far fetched the information was, it was still reason to worry. I asked my mom, “where she was getting this information from that was making her into such a paranoid hen?” and she said, “on some Canadian websites.” Diego informed me, and I informed my mom that if you try to look up information about another country from your country, you will often find mostly fear and discouragement, because your country does not want other people to know what it is really like in developing countries. They want to keep the people thinking that their country they are in are the best and the safest and that you would be a fool to leave your country. They want people to think this, because the country has a value by having a huge population of people there that are taxpayers. They do not want those tax payers to leave their country and go to a cheaper one. So they make the people scared by having them think all other places are dangerous.
Do not trust those websites, ask people who actually live in the country your looking to go to, in order to find out what it is really like. For example, I said to my mom, “you do not need shots to come to Bali. Yes mom, you can get malaria but its not that common. Yes mom, there was a bombing not to long ago but it is fine now and very safe. Yes mom, we have muslims here in Bali but they are actually more peaceful pleasant and genuine then the Balinese themselves. Yes mom, we have electricity but it is not as good as in western countries and yes, we often get black outs, power failures, no water, and the internet can drop out for days, but we are still able to get by. (Though internet is mostly a shit connection.) Yes mom, there are still cannibals but they are on some of the smaller islands of Indonesia not in Bali. Yes mom, there are komodo dragons and yes, they are very dangerous fast and deadly just being scratched by one has enough poison to kill you, but the komodo dragons are also on another island not Bali, there is a special tour one can do if they want to go to that island but its now set up like a zoo to see just the komodo dragons, yet can still be risky. Yes mom, there are poisonous snakes here but its very rare to be bitten by one, there has not been any reports of anyone dying by a snake here for a long time. Yes mom, there is a volcano but it has not been active for a long time and we do not live anywhere near it so even if it did erupt we would be fine.”
We get so ridiculous and even stupid because of our psychological fears we even refuse to live our life because of our fears. I mean these fears are mostly fakes because they are not natural fears they are not happening to us right now they are mostly in our head of what we read and imagine and that alone is enough to make us freak out and reroute our whole life.
Diego even encountered this with his family as well, when he was first looking to move to Bali. The Italian embassy websites tried to make all kinds of crazy danger claims as well about Bali. When he told his family and friends he was going to Bali they all discouraged him saying, “why the heck do you want to go there and struggle with the cannibals and no electricity? Italy is so much better and safer then Bali.” But actually that is not true at all. The fact was no one bothered to find out about it for themselves what Bali was actually like or where it actually was located, they just heard some things and repeated it as if it were fact, thus they had convinced themselves it was a fact. That they were wise for staying put in Italy. Other family members he told did not even know where Bali was they thought he meant Bari which is the south of Italy. When Diego showed pictures to his family of Bali they said, “wow, I did not know Italy had so many Asian temples?”
And when Diego told his dad he was thinking about moving to Bali his father said, but why son do you want to live in china?”
Do you see how fear and not thinking for ourselves or finding out for ourselves makes us stupid? How we cannot fully live or function in this way, but because we do and know no other way to be we become even more confused and our life becomes even more of a mess. As we let these ideas rule and control us and we think through these ideas these filters of the world that fragment and stagnate us.

Anyway back to my mother I was prepping for her to arrive within a few weeks, and within that small frame of time everything was going to hell. I was freaking out with so many conditionings, conspiracies about Diego. I was having many existential crises. I was feeling lost depressed and even more confusion while trying to navigate myself out of the sea of never ending misty confusion. I had no stable ground inside my head, all I found there was nothing but illusions. I knew Diego did this to me and I was still resenting him for this. There was rarely any psychical intimacy, no cuddling or much affection shown, there was no fun or laughter and Diego rarely wanted to go out or do anything. I struggled with trying to make sense of exactly what kind of relationship we had exactly? Why did he impress me with his abilities and special effects and those letters? Why am here with him? Why can’t I just leave and continue on with my travels forget this all ever happened? Why does Diego want to be with me really?
I was also struggling with the idea that the whole universe was confused and that the human race was doomed we had no chance against this confusion, so it was not just the end of the world but also the end the universe. And I thought about all my efforts to help humanity had been in vain. How many did I confuse as well because of my messages? I was also struggling with my ex, my followers and friends, fellow spiritual speakers were all turning on me, and I started to develop more feelings for Joakm, and oh goody gum drops my mom is coming to see me at the worst possible time.
I know my mom pretty well, I knew she would be very concerned when she sees me like this, but perhaps just maybe she would be able to understand. I kept telling myself and hoping. I also remember that I told my mom that I was not sure Diego was the one, most likely not, but I still wanted her to meet him, to see that I was with an extraordinary guy that was nothing like my ex boyfriend. I wanted her to see how well I was doing and how happy I was. I wanted her and Diego to have deep meaningful conversations like he had with me. I wanted Diego to be the link to help my mom and I to be closer together, so she could finally understand me, as she never really did. Though she always loved and supported and encouraged me with what ever I did, I knew I was very lucky to have that from a mother as most do not even get that even, but it was not enough I wanted her to understand me to. I always considered my mom to be very smart especially in the academical she was always the best at school, so much so if her teachers were sick they never called in a substitute teacher they just had my mom teach the class instead. She even did all my schoolwork for me growing up as I was too slow and she was impatient and eager. She was also known as the human dictionary, calculator, speller and encyclopedia, surely my mom could hold her own with someone like Diego? She is also warm, caring, funny and child like. My mom was nurse but only for a couple years she stopped when her kids were born and focused fully on being a mother, she wanted to be present for her kids and be a good wife, she did not want a job to take her away from her kids. My mom also had a super memory, she read whole books in one sitting and could remember almost everything she read but she could not understand exactly what she read nor apply it only repeat it. I remember I was about 17 or so when I realized this about my mom, she knew how to read and repeat like how we are conditioned to be in school but that does not mean she could understand or apply what she read. I did not get my mothers brain, I was not smart like her at all, I was beyond lousy at school and never really passed a test. I rarely could remember anything I learned in school, I mostly day dreamed, I was pretty much lousy at everything that my mom was super good at. I got my dads brain which was eccentric creative and abstract, he invented jobs because he only had a grade 9 education. I also invented my jobs as well, because I sure as heck was not going to get any good job with my education background. So this made me think that she was smarter then me and maybe also could understand Diego better then me to, or at the very least she could help me with him.
When I talked to her about Diego she asked the questions that a mother usually asks and responded to them through her filter of her past experiences. “How old is he?” she asked? “39,” I said, “so it’s a 10 year difference, that’s fine my mother and father also had a 10 year difference and it worked out fine.” “ That’s great mom but I was not asking about that or concerned about that really.” Though at first I was a bit worried that he was too old for me and that we were at different time periods in our life to ever really be compatible perhaps that’s also the reason why psychical intimacy was not so interesting to him, while I was at the age where I was at my peak with this. Did I really want to let that time pass me by or was that more conditioning again thinking for and through me?
Also now that Joakim was here and also came out so last minute, and getting to know him I knew that my mom would really like him. In fact he was the ideal guy she would want for me and would much prefer I be with him rather then Diego. She may try to subtly convince me that he was a better match for me, and because I was in such a fragile state I would be easily convinced as I could see it more and more. If I was totally honest with my mom about everything that was going on and that happened between me and Diego she would think Azropia or his ex or even our Russian neighbor that he was good friends with. (whom I was also kind of jealous of her to because she could make Diego laugh and I could not.) she would be more right for Diego as well. My mom would witness me not so happy with Diego, I knew I would not be able to fake happiness though I would try. She would see how I lit up around Joakim and that would be enough for her, enough for anyone; my followers would prefer me with him as well I sure, as he is not controversial or challenge others thinking/comfort zones and people would see him as crystal child as well, cause they like to see what they want to see.
What could I do? I was still entertaining ideas of my family living out in Bali with Diego as the perfect family. Its not so easy to escape these thoughts, while also entertaining contradictory thoughts, like maybe I should distract my mom while she is here? I know she is looking for a man, if I can find her a man, then she would be more focused on him then me and my life? It had been 8 years since dad passed away and mom and him were so in love that she had never been able to get over losing him and had not been with anyone since. Maybe now was the time? People were finding their partners in Bali, heck I found a partner in Bali, though I was not even trying or wanting that, so why not my mom as well? I had about 2 weeks still until she was due to arrive. Yes that would be enough time. Yes, that is what I would do. I would try to find someone for my mom. This would also be a good thing for me as it could take my mind off of my issues and life/love struggles; this would be my solution and my distraction.
Diego often would say and write, “how looking for a distraction or a solution to a problem is one of the worst things we can do. This is because it does not allow us to think fully or face the problem as is. Nor does it help us to understand the problem and because of this our distraction or solution makes another problem, while making the original problem more intense.” I did remember this and agreed with Diego about this mechanically and rhetorically but that was not enough to fully understand and apply what he was getting at. Diego added, “Reading the instructions and remembering everything in it on how to fly a plane/our psyche is not the same as actually flying the plane, if we tried to do it this way we should surly crash porco dio” Diego said and walked away.
And crash I did.



Chapter 6: ‘Pride Goeth Before the Fall’

At least when people are here visiting us, Diego is more inclined to go and do stuff, to show people around Bali. This time we decided to go off on our own, no more fake spiritual friends to meet up with randomly it would just be us 3. This time we took Joakim to Edept, It is a kind of permaculture place in Bali. Diego likes this place because it is far away from the hustle and bustle of the town, its nice and peaceful there, he has italian friends that are working there that are a bit less confused then most folk.
This permaculture place had various creative clever ways of growing good produce with lots of consideration and attentiveness. It reminded me of my favorite books called Anastasia The Ringing Cedars, that I used to promoted all the time and even wore a piece of cedar around my neck to show how much I liked those books. Diego often reminded me of Anastasia a lot to which he later dismantled more on that late in this blog.
People come from all over the world to volunteer and work at this permaculture place. It started off as just a small basic non-profit that had no money just an idea and in just 3 years it has gotten so much acclaim. Even attracting an investor from Singapore who is obsessed with all things to do with permaculture.

After explore the garden and sampling the herbs such as mint and rosemary and some fruits, which I convinced myself was grown by love. But did not want to tell Diego that as I knew he would think that was ridiculous, which I would later find out he was right about that to. We where invited to come in to meet the co-owner/investor and have a visit. I remember talking with her she was short and fiery Asian, who had a wealthy business husband, she was a good wife and did what she could for him though on business meetings he would not always be faithful to her, but that did not really bother her. She still did what she could to take care of him even when he got sick and needed round the clock care. She had spent many years taking care of him, and she had sacrificed a lot of her life for him but when he passed away she decided to live her dreams and immerse herself more into permaculture; and she went out dancing and did her best to make up for lost time. She did not grieve or anything she said it was not necessary life goes on death is not a tragedy or sad just a part of life, and she was now free.
Anyway I hit it off with the owner and we made plans to go dancing and karaoke and I knew when my mom comes they will be good friends right away as this womans spirit and vibe is just what my mom needs. But unfortunately we never ended up going dancing or doing anything that we talked about and nor did my mom end up meeting her as well, as this woman was mostly out of town for most of my moms visit.
After she shared her story she invited us to meet her friends she was entertaining in the kitchen.

There was a group of people having lunch the people seemed nice but I never really got to find out because I was such a munch box. I immediately went into a kind of homer Simpson mode thinking and plotting hmm how can I try everything on that table? I was over joyed when they said help yourself and I got to try something more tasty then the last and then I gorged and left a trail of food crumbs everywhere I went which made it very easy for Diego to find me.
He eats like a princess bird by the way. He only eats in small portions pecking his plate delicately, elegantly and politely. While I eat like a tornado with food flying everywhere. This is not funny to Diego, like it is to me. He knows he does not like to eat so much because in Italy where he grew up food is a huge deal. They feed you so much food its piled on your plate and you have to eat it all or they think you are sick. If you did not eat everything other would give you a hard time. This is what happened to Diego all the time growing up. So now that Diego is away from that he can eat whatever amount of food he likes with out having to deal with the guilt and banter that could be put on him for such a ridiculous cultural reasons. And then he pointed out the reason why I am the way I am with food. It’s because I grew up very poor and there was not always enough food. Also with 5 kids in the family and my dad, if you did not eat your food right away it would be eaten for you. So this is why I am all about eating like a savage and as much as I can right away as I never knew if I would have food for tomorrow which is also why if I can not eat all my food I will always save it for later. Its always nice to know I have some emergency food just in case.

Joakim although still extremely shy and afraid of groups of people and talking in them found he had no problem. After years of hiding himself from everyone and situations like this he seemed to have grown leaps and bounds in the short amount of time he had already spent with us. I was so proud of him watching him talk to everyone like a social butterfly. There was one guest there that was from Denmark that Joakim and I seemed to get along with real well right away, he was an older man in his 50s and his name was Yorgin.

He said he had recognized me before we even came to this planet and in just a few minutes of talking with him he started confiding to me about seeing elves when he was 5 years old, I was still in my new age mind so I did not think much of what he said. Yorgin also seemed to jive nicely with Diego though he did not talk about elves to Diego like he did me but I am sure Diego sensed it. As it seems nothing really gets past him. Anyway it turned out that Yorgin lived very close to us all this time, and yet we had never met which is almost unheard of for such a small town that we are in.

I decided to hang out with him more to see if he would be a good match for my mom but so far so good. I remember writing about this on facebook and said something like wow things are perfectly aligning, the universe is in sync with me.- (sigh I still had such a long way to go. O-o)

A few days later I made more plans to spend time with Yorgin. I confided with him about feeling stuck not sure what I should be doing and about how I came to be in Bali and my time stay with Wolf and a bit about Diego. I decided it would be probably best if I did not speak about Diego that much.
Yorgin was a very cheerful a young at heart kind of person, someone you just want to be around, you feel great being around them. He makes you feel like there is nothing to worry about he tells you jokes till your rolling on the floor in laughter. I was grateful for this as I felt like I need it so much. He was willing to help me with so many things to from my website to videos wow, my first friend that lives in Bali that I can go to for a visit anytime I like, I thought.
I remember the tour of his house he gave me.
“My house, he said, is very curious indeed, the Balinese are such a strange breed. If you want to study laziness absentmindedness study the Balinese. I have been scratching my head about my house on how it was built and why it was built the way it was; and what must have been going through their minds when they built this house. To the point that I have come to the conclusion that it was made specifically for Japanese midgets.
I started to laugh, ah laughter my friend it has been awhile since I had laughed like that.
As you see here is the door the main entrance of the house, look how narrow and short this door is, can you imagine a shall we say robust voluptuous person trying to get inside this house? Surely the Balinese did not consider shall, we say the spherically shaped or the tall folk?
In entering the house there was a main entrance room that was absolutely impractical the way it was laid out.
His bedroom was tiny, it was so small that there was hardly any room for a bed.
In the middle of the hallway between the main bedroom and bathroom there was a very tiny sink that was built really low to the ground. Yorgin was about average height like me but he had to squat low to wash his hands in this sink. The way the sink was placed was also impractical you had to be careful getting by that hall. Especially in the middle night when you’re sleepy and have to make a voyage to the toilet and you forget about the low mini sink sticking out. It’s so low to the ground it is so that you stub your toe on it or trip over it and fall.
The other funny thing about this sink was that the faucet was so small as well and the sink bowl was also small that Yorgins hands being average size barely fit in the sink. The only way to wash his hands was very close to the sink wall of the faucet. He had to hold both hands together but also to be careful because they also had the drain up high by the faucet that stuck out. So when you rubbed your hands back and forth to wash them you also end up irritating the skin and getting blisters. The sink barely fit two hands at once so he mostly washed his hands one at time.
Then Yorgin showed me the bathroom of course there was no sink because that was out randomly in the hall, this bathroom just had a toilet and a bathtub. But the bathtub and toilet were so close together that there was absolutely no room for your legs when sitting on the toilet unless you wanted to stretch your legs up over your head, or out to the bathtub to dangle over the edge, or try using the toilet in the squatting dog position with both feet up on the seat or the lotus position. Which puts a whole new meaning to, new agers jargon such as ‘Oh my god I’m totally getting a download right now, and releasing all my negative energy good thing I’m on the toilet. I’m so more spiritual then you because I even poo in a sacred way.’
The last thing Yorgin showed me was the kitchen. It seemed pretty normal except for the sink that was made like a big box that the Balinese use as a butt washer for the toilet. In most Balinese places they have a squared like sink that goes as high as the toilet its always full of water and has a little bucket for you to scoop some water and somehow throw at your nether regions with out mysteriously getting your clothes soaked.
Some of the more luxurious Balinese homes have a little hose beside the toilet that squirts cold water on your yaya regions.
Most of the time they do not have toilet paper so I assume you have to just sit and air dry for a bit before you can leave the toilet and go on your way otherwise your pants and undies are soaked and everyone thinks you pissed yourself. (I really want to ask a Balinese to demonstrate exactly how this works and what exactly we are supposed to do; as this baffles me?)
Back to the kitchen so it had something similar to what they use for the toilet for butt washing, butt it was not supposed to be the kitchen sink eww. How ever the people who built this place forgot to put a hole at the bottom. So you can fill it with water but you can not empty the container. This house was a classic example of the Balinese mind they cut costs anywhere they can, they do not think about practical or realistic they just get the job done as fast as they can, with as less effort as possible, while looking for any possible way to feed their greed for money. They will do things any how it all for quick money they do not think about the future or historically at all. In the example of the house it is very funny but living with them and dealing with the Balinese all the time it is not funny at all it is down right frustrating.

On another occasion Yorgin came over to our place for a dinner, he had so many jokes constantly trying to be the humorous one with his funny stories, his jokes and picking on Joakim to uphold the Danish Swede rivalry and stereo types which Joakim and Diego did not appreciate. It smelled to them that Yorgin was trying too hard to be the life of the party. The center of attention, which meant that he was covering up something. Trying to hide something, keep em laughing but when I am on my own I’m crying kind of thing. Or perhaps it was pride or competition I could not see it? I just thought he was a nice cheerful guy who had no hidden intention’s, he was just being himself and besides I needed to have some humor in my life and I liked him for my mom as well.
I decided then that the guys did not have to hang out with him if they did not want to, that I would just have Yorgin be my friend since the guys did not feel comfortable with him.
The following week I made plans to do a bike ride with Yorgin to help him find a snazzy new lamp for his house.
That morning I was sitting outside working on my computer when Diego came down and said, “your going to get into an accident today.”
“What kind of accident, I asked, do mean a bike accident perhaps?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Well how bad will it be?” I asked.
“Oh you will be fine, but I’m not sure about Yorgin he may not be as lucky as you.”
At that I informed Diego of my plans to go with Yorgin that day and he said,
“I know.”
“What, I stammered, you do? But I did not tell you anything about it till now, but you know, of course you know.
Ok well can I do anything to prevent this from happening?” I started to recall when we were driving and he told me an accident is about to happen in about 23 minutes and 21 seconds from now, just further down the road and that I should try to see if I could stop it, or switch the time line of that event and I ended up doing it somehow. Though I had lots of anxiety and was not so confident about doing it, but somehow I did. So if I was able to prevent that one maybe I could prevent this one to.
“Nope, he said, it must happen. Yorgin has pride and is hiding many things this will make it apparent to him and to you.”
“But I do not want Yorgin to be hurt, I whimpered, he is my friend.”
“He will be fine, Diego said, it must happen.”
“Maybe I will not go then with him today.” I said.
“No, you should go.” Diego said.
So reluctantly I went and as I walked to Yorgin’s house I contemplated on whether I should tell Yorgin or not what I knew was going to happen to him that day and how I knew. But I was concerned if I told him that he would freak out. So I decided to be stealth about it.
After we made our small talk and greetings to one another about various things and were nearing the time to leave.
I said, “uh hey Yorgin, uhm how long have you been riding a motor bike for?”
I think Yorgin sensed my nervousness and his pride flared up, “15 years,” he boasted.
“Ok, that’s good to know, but have you uhm well, have you ever been in an accident in all that time?” I said coyly.
“No, never I am an excellent driver. Don’t tell me your scared to drive with me because you have nothing to worry about young lady. I know what I am doing.”
“Yes Yorgin, you can be a good driver but that does not mean one still can not get in an accident as there are many factors for an accident to happen good driving or not accidents happen.
He seemed to be very upset about this as if I doubted his ability as a man. I found this a bit revealing and odd as I never saw this side of him before.
Ok I said never mind forget I asked lets go,” I said. In my head I was thinking how awkward this conversation was and just wanted to get this accident over with already.
We drove around to the outskirts of the town looking at all kinds of lamps with no accidents at all everything was going fine. Maybe it would not happen I thought, maybe I did stop it after all. Maybe because I hinted to Yorgin he was being more alert and careful.
But I had spoke too soon on our next stop in front of a lamp shop, while he was coming in to park he lost control of the bike and the bike tipped over and fell down hard. I remember so clearly falling it was like as if I was in actual slow motion and when I hit the concrete I swear it felt like i landed on a cloud. I should have been banged up technically but I was not at all. While Yorgin’s knee got a nice gash, but he acted like it was nothing. That it was no big deal. He still wanted to continue lamp shopping as if nothing had happened. Rather then getting cleaned up he seemed to be more concerned with me asking over and over, “Are you sure your OK? How come you’re not hurt Jess? How can you not be hurt?” He then became very nervous and antsy in the store as he started to feel very humiliated; as his pride deflated. He then started to focus on his wound and got paranoid about it getting infected. He started freak out to the idea he had acquired an open wound from the dirty ground. Suddenly he had to get it clean right away. Why now I wondered 20 minutes after the accident he starts thinking in this way?
Then It was revealed to me I knew why he was nervous, he had hinted about it before but I could not see it. I wanted him as a friend and a partner for my mom but he was not interested in my mom he was interested in me and wanted to out do both Diego and Joakim. To make them look like chumps compared to him, he wanted to impress me and woo me away from both of them. I had no idea he was in competition because no one else was competing. He set that idea up all on his own, in his head. And in my head I imagined that we would have a more intense accident, this was almost pathetic, a joke, but an accident non the less and it was enough to show me Yorgins hidden side, that Diego wanted me to see. That was the deciding factor for me to tell Yorgin that Diego had predicted the whole event right that morning which is why I asked him those questions.
I then started to wonder that if I did not tell Yorgin would it not have happened? Maybe not, I think Diego knew, I would mention something and that would be enough to set about a chain of events. After that Yorgin went totally silent and refused to speak anymore and just abruptly took me home and I never seen or heard of him again. Well actually I did see him once and the market and he saw me but he ignored me as if he did not know me.
My concern was revealed to me from this event which is why I hesitated in telling Yorgin this to begin with because I was worried I would scare Yorgin, my only friend who lived in Bali away. Who else would I end up scaring away if I stayed with Diego, I wondered? I knew I would not be able to withhold information about him, as you can tell I am not so good at keep stuff in. So if I stayed with Diego I would have to get used to being friendless perhaps. This proved to me that people were not so open to understanding as I thought they would be instead they freaked out. At least Joakim didn’t freak out he was always keen to listen whether he could understand or not. Surely he would stay being a close friend, right?


Chapter 7: Bear in Bali

The day of my mother’s arrival we woke up early rented a car and drove to the airport to collect my momma bear. It was a really nice reunion it had been a year or so since I last saw her in Costa Rica where we had a wonky family reunion. (Which I blogged about as well, for anyone that is interested.) My mother was very friendly to Diego as well. There was no judgment from her at all. Later Diego got a bit emotional saying that this was the first time that he has ever met a mother of a girlfriend with out feeling any judgment from them one way or another. This made me think perhaps it’s going to be fine, perhaps I was worried for nothing, perhaps everything is going to work out and we can all be a happy family.
The ride back home was long and busy due to traffic but I was not paying attention to that very much because the bear and I were catching up, talking a mile a minute. Diego have never heard people talk so much, and so fast. My mom is also a fast talker, even faster then me, but even faster then both of us is my youngest brother Steve whom I call bug.
Diego of course observed silently the best he could while paying attention to the hectic traffic and all the loud noises which he is extra sensitive to due to being partially deaf; so all that talking did not help him accomplish this task.
I showed my mamma bear some of the fruit here that I love that I wanted her to try as its not well know in Canada, such as mangostien that grows abundantly here, and snake fruit which tastes like a combination, of an apple, cheese and a pepper if you can imagine that. It has snake like skin to peel off to hence its name. It is definitely one of my favorite fruits here. There is also rambutan, passion fruit and soursop.
We dropped mom off at her place after going to the market to pick up a few things for her and to make sure she had some coconut water. I set the bear up at a homestay, the same one that Joakim was staying at which was just a across the street from our place. In total this particular homestay had about 5 rooms each with their own bathroom and one shared out door kitchen, that cost about $150-$200 US to stay at per month. The longer one stays the cheaper the price gets as the locals hope they can get a huge amount of cash up front. This is why many people came to Bali and would stay for years paying it all in advance. Joakim at the time was the only one there so it was pretty empty and secluded for him except for the crazy locals that were maniacal to their offering towers and mechanical in their praying chanting and making all kinds of other strange noises for reasons unknown.
My mom and Joakim also got along pretty well to.
That night I took my mom out to dinner to introduce her to Balinese food which she did not like so much which is understandable the Balinese food is not the best food out there and its pretty strange to. Though my mother is pretty picky when it comes to food in general she gets nervous about food very easily. This is due to certain foods can trigger a massive migraine for her which she has had pretty much since she had her first kid. I have witnessed how bad these headaches are for her as she got them more and more as I got older and more family tragedies happened.
My mom and Diego also had their first chat that night and it seemed to go rather well, my mom was asking questions so as to better get to know this Diego that her daughter talked so much about.
Then I sent her to bed like I did with Joakim, and left her alone for the first couple of days. There was also another guy that came to visit us from Argentina but just for a week he was pretty independent and mostly did his own thing focusing on his projects and ventures we only all hang out a couple times he also stayed in the same homestay but was mostly never there. My mom could not pronounce his name or she did it on purpose to be silly, she kept calling him Gonzola but I think the actual name was Gonzalo. Joakim and him often went out together exploring the island and really connected in a short amount of time. My mother took advantage of these two guys living beside her asking them to help her carry her bags and other things a guy should do for a lady. She had been with out a man for a long time she still has her old fashioned ideas of men and how they should be. She also talked their ear off to the point it was too much for them and they soon started to avoid her because she always had some task for them to do. I guess she thought they would also do what ever she asked because they were my friends and wanted to please me by pleasing my mom but not in that way.
We went on many trips with mom we showed her Edept permaculture place but no one was there when we went so their was no serendipity meetings like we had before. We took her to the botanical garden in the north that is Diego’s favorite place in Bali. It however rained a lot while we were there so it was not as pleasant as it usually is. Walking through the garden all wet and muddy makes it a bit more challenging to appreciate the plants as that is my moms passion plants she loves them and is fascinated about them and memorizes everything she can on them. I enticed her in coming to Bali by showing her the exotic plants here and wild orchids that grow everywhere but no flower lasts long as the locals often pluck them all off the tree for their many annoying ceremonies and offerings to their many gods and whatever. Not to mention all the innocent animals they sacrifice during their ceremonies as well.
We took my mom to resort pools because we did not have a pool at our place or anything like that but were around enough resorts to crash and take advantage of their pools which is most tempting so as to find some relief from the scorching hot weather. Its funny how when we take pictures of these resorts people assume that is our home that we are living in a huge mansion that we are lying about not having much money well now they know its just resorts we visit, our house is a one bedroom simple humble place. The first pool I showed mamma bear I became a bit mischievous and pushed her in the pool but my mom being the feisty hen she is (she hates when I call her that by the way 😉 hi mom I know your reading this, I’m sorry (not really) but it was the most fitting word at the time.) Anyway being the feisty one she is, she grabbed onto me as I pushed her in so I would go into the pool with her. That is my mom for you; if I’m going down I’m taking you with me. She is one tough farm girl even now. You know what they say you can take the girl away from the farm but you cannot take the farm out of the girl. But even though she was tough I always found myself having to be the mother to my mother.
Also at that time I was informed that another person was planning on coming on visiting us in a couple weeks from now and that was a girl from Japan named Nori.
So many people came to visit us all at once and I had only been in Bali for a couple of months and conveniently people just felt inspired to come out here, they all knew me from my project camelot and lilou mace interviews. They did not know much about Diego and his posts but were interested to find out more.
We took mom out dancing one night, she was eager to meet a man and I was sure their were men their but when we got to place their were no men but lots of older woman dressed to the nines and on the prowl. Mom is not aggressive in this female competition way, so she just danced as much as she could on her own even though it was salsa night and everyone was dancing with someone even two girls together. But neither me nor Diego nor joakim were dancers let alone salsa dancing so it was just her dancing on her own. I was trying to figure out where were all the guys I spotted just before she arrived I was seeing guys everyone and now it was like they all disappeared into some mysterious portal.
The locals embraced my mother some have even taken her under their wing. They even did their best to teach my mom to be able to be a master weaver, making a simple small spirit offering basket made with one large blade of grass and a small stick its interesting and complex, origami out of grass.

I was also playing cupid with Joakim trying to hook him up with girls we met while exploring Bali. As he asked me early into his arrival if I knew who his soulmate is and if I could tell him or at least give him a hint so he would recognize her. I felt awkward with this because I no longer felt comfortable to do stuff like that anymore. I know many watched my videos and read my blogs and heard I could do stuff like that but I knew it would not help a person to understand their confusion and dismantle it. Why it could even turn into a distraction. Also I was having doubts perhaps I could not do such a thing after all. Perhaps I was just deluded myself and others into thinking I could, thus making it a placebo effect unconsciously. This was same with my healing and all the other things. As non of what I thought were my abilities not even my jessage worked on Diego like it did with other people as he was under no enchantment with me like everyone else seemed to be.
I really did not want to get stuck in this lightworker game again, I was just coming out of it and I was seeing how easy it was to fall back into old patterns and consensus into being seen as special and gifted. Yuck get me away from this please!

Since my mom had a lot of time on her own she was always looking to make new friends but the people she found were mostly confused and messed up people ones that were looking to take advantage and exploit my mom. My mom is more innocent, naive and childlike then most people her age. A particular experience she had was with these people that seemed really nice and invited her to attend this thing called family constellations to sit in and watch. She went and felt most uncomfortable with the calling in the higher beings aliens and whatever. They did some prayer and then a person who paid a lot talked about their traumas. Then some other people that were volunteers did some reenacting/channeling of focused persons trauma. So this person could relive that experience and deal with it. In the way they always wanted to; but did not have courage. So as to reprogram their mind about their trauma, so they no longer suffer or feel to be held back because of it. This in someway is supposed to heal the person but it was very freaky to my mom. Something did not feel right, and she was expected to make a donation on top of that, otherwise people would judge her, she really dislikes this. She was also expected to come back and join them maybe even share her trauma and have others reenact it, which is not cheap. They were super nice to her until she said, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” Then these so seeming nice and conscious people totally snubbed her saying, “she is not one of us or conscious enough like us, her energy is not good and she did not give us a decent enough love appreciation donation.” (puke)
This experience made my mom even more lonely in Bali because most of the people her age were heavily into family constellations and since she was not one of them when ever they saw her around they would instantly snub her and talk about her behind her back. Wow so conscious indeed. Family constellations really is a huge creepy cult that is taking over Bali like some kind of virus it makes people really weird here that is what we have noticed. The woman who is the head of them is very creepy as well and is making so much money on exploiting lonely people in this scam called family constellations. “That is why its called family constellations Diego said, because its to attract a certain kind of people. Look you can tell who an ideal family constellation candidate is? It is like there is a factory somewhere that is producing these kind of people as they all look the same. They all look like tired zombies. I had to agree as I could clearly see this as well. Diego went on to say, look they act all happy and conscious but really it’s a mask they really are all lonely struggling looking for a family looking for consensus looking to feel special but no matter what they do or how many family constellations they attend they are still a mess you can see it in their face and its really sad.”

After a couple weeks of my mom being in Bali, we talked a little bit more about me and Diego. I shared with her how Diego mentioned to me that she was the first mom to meet him with out judging him and wanted to thank her for that.
She said, “oh, its no big deal, I just thought well I know he is strange looking and has some weird ideas but it does not matter because you told me your not sure about him, that it was only temporary an experience you needed to have so you would no longer have fears or something and would better be able to deal with your ex boyfriend. So I know he is not going to be a part of the family so its fine, he can be however strange he wants to be.” My heart sank and I was slapped with my memory oh yeah I do remember writing to her in my first letter about him, that I do not think he is the one or anything but I still want to give him a couple months and see how it goes and how I like it. I forgot I told her that, I forgot that I thought that way until she reminded me. Then she went on to say that she liked Joakim much more for me, which I knew she was going to say that. She felt also that Joakim, and me were more compatible, that we had more in common, that we had more chemistry and a spark. I could not disagree with her there. I tried to forget I heard that and put that realization on some dusty shelf in the back of my brain and instead started to advocate again how interesting and wonderful Diego is.
“He is such a gentlemen mom he is not rushing into sex like most guys would. He is taking his time and not taking advantage of me or allowing me to sink in empty rebound sex to get over my ex.”
To which she responded with, “Are you sure that is it Jess, because I seem to recall you saying, you felt Diego was not so attracted or into you? And that to me is not very good sign for a couple in the early throws of their relationship. I can see that you’re not very happy with Diego. I can see how red your eyes are from crying. You’re a woman at your peak with needs and you need to have those needs met. Sex is very important, if they are not amorous or into you then your lacking the glue to hold you two together, otherwise its not going to work. Not only that, when you are intimate it needs to be often more then once a day like how it was for me with your dad.”
My response to that was, Ok uh eww and too much information mom thank you anyway but news flash me and Diego are not you and dad. Why can you not see past the past, why compare us?”
My mom then said, “Oh Jessie, I am just trying to look out for you. You’re getting older, your 30 years old now and a woman has to be smart now a days in selecting a partner. She needs to know she can trust him. You need to test your partner like how i did with your father that’s how I knew that he was the one for me.”
“What do you mean mom I asked?
She said, “well a good way to get to know how a man really is to get him drunk; if he is angry then that means he most likely is a violent person. If he is silly then that is a good sign. I for example tested your dad even when we were married when he had these carpentry jobs where he had to do handyman work at a beautiful woman’s place and I knew she into your dad. So I made him a special lunch that made him fart profusely so nothing would happen and nothing did and when he found out I was the one that made him fart like an old john deer tractor, he found it romantic and was more in love with me then ever. (For those of you know me and my humor hearing about my background explains a lot to you guys, hehehe.) Another time when your father kept leaving his clothes on the floor and he never listened when I asked him to pick them up so I one day nailed all his clothes to the floor, and he never left the clothes on the floor again.”
“Uh, but mom I challenged, is that testing or messing with the person?”
“No not at all, if they are a good guy, they will understand and appreciate it.”
“Uh but mom I do not think I can do that.” I said.
“Well she said that’s ok, there are many different ways to test a person. You do not have to use my ways in particular.”
These are the things my mother taught me all my life so grew up thinking that this is what we as woman are supposed to do, but this is just family conditioning.

When I informed Diego about what my mom had told me he was very disappointed in her and really did not like this idea to test a person, he saw it as fear and stupidity. I could see how he saw that but I still went to my mother’s defense, “she is just trying to look out for me. She does not mean any harm, she just does not know any other way and besides how is a person supposed to know if they can trust a person anyway if we do not test them?”
“Trust, he said, is another conditioned mind invented idea, its not real we make it real. Where is trust in nature? If you go out in the forest do the trees trust you? do you trust the trees? Trust is a bond that creates another psychological trap. If a person believes in trust, then they are setting themselves up to be betrayed by the person, and people will betray them because its mathematics, or unconscious reverse psychology. To trust is another belief system it contains an opposite and the opposite is always more stronger and intense then the other side of the scale that only locks people in fluctuating psychology limbo, that is enough to make a person go crazy.”
“Wow, I said, who would have thought that trust is another belief system that needs to be dismantled? Yes Diego I understand this its like people who do good deeds so as to be good, or get some approval with some good deed, or to be ok, or to feel like they are a good person; but its done for duality reasons, thus someone somewhere in the world will feel compelled to do just the opposite. So doing good deeds or random acts of kindness do not really help the world it just further polarizes it.”
“Yes, exactly jess, there are so many words that we think we know but we do not know them at all. We do not know by saying these words that we creating what we fight.”

A few nights later I invited mom over for a dinner in which she and Diego could have a real chat and really get to know each other. Diego asked my mom questions to try to stimulate her mind to get her to think. But for some reason my mom had flipped over to another gear in which pride was saturated in her face as she watched Diego speak waiting for her chance to prove to him that he did not have it all figured out because he did not mention god. My mom suddenly started to compete with Diego and acting like she was smarter then him. Not that Diego cared to compete or to be smarter then anyone. He just wanted her to understand. But my mom refused to let go of her old conditioning. This was shocking to me because my mom never seemed to be that religious to me before, what the heck happened? Diego was scratching the surface with my mom and showing me sides of my mom I was not aware of she had. What is going on here? Did my mom feel threatened or something? I thought she was open minded why was she defending and lording over her beliefs as if it were some kind of victory? Can she not see that it was a counterfeit victory? Did she not see her intelligence and psychological freedom was at stake? How could she not care about this? How could she put her beliefs before her own mind?
It continued like this till late in the night, I was surprised Diego continued to talk with her but he did. Trying what ever way he could to get through her walls in a way were he would try to get her to see she was not thinking; by showing her how much she contradicted herself, but my mom refused to see this. My mom had/has too much pride.
I wondered what happened? She told me she was going to the church just because she felt lonely and needed to meet people. Is that the result when we are lonely or afraid to be alone we end up losing our mind to a belief system that thinks for us?
I really did not like that Diego was showing this to me, about my mother. It made me feel awkward like I was in the middle and had to choose my mother or Diego.

It was made apparent that I did get my negligence from my mother that night Diego made the pasta and fed everyone then himself last and he took such a small amount for himself, while my mom gorged on the pasta polishing off her plate. In asking my mom how she liked the pasta and Diego’s cooking she said, “I could eat more.” So Diego gave her another huge helping and she devoured that to. She did not consider others, maybe they wanted more pasta to. But my mom is used to playing the ‘I am the mother card, I am important, I am priority, I deserve respect cause I am the mother and the oldest you should respect people older then you.’
I knew my mother did not do this on purpose. I am not attacking or picking on my mother. It was her conditioning acting and speaking for her, I understand this all to well now, for I was there and did the same like I shared many times in these blogs. So its not like she needs to feel like she is a bad person, because she is not. She like the many just lack self-observation and if we do not have self-observation we become negligent and stupid, but we were not born this way. What the heck happened to make us this way? It’s not about pointing fingers and pointing at one person because this is every-ones root problem; it’s a collective and historical problem as well.


Chapter 8: The Invisible Jelly Fish and The L Word

The next couple days we went and did a road trip with Joakim and my mom to a black sand beach down in Amed. It is not the cleanest beach there are piles of garbage but its not so touristy so Diego prefers to go to this beach, and it is not as trash filled like some of the other beaches I have been to; this one does not have thousands of shoes in the water or dead animals washing up on shore; so ya who wants to come to Bali now? It’s not at all ‘eat pray love,’ it’s not at all what the many think it is.
There are however locals at this particular beach that try to sell you on massages or to buy this and that. But again this is not nearly as bad as in somewhere like Kuta, where they try to sell you something literally every 5 seconds, so its not easy to get any peace on the beach here. Westerners are walking ATM machines to the locals. At this beach we get bothered to buy something about ever 30 minutes or so, which is an improvement compared to the latter options.
There was this one boy that was acting like he was really poor and starving he was really good at convincing others so they would buy his jewelry. We never bought anything from him however. Later on when he was done his shift he immediately flipped over to another mode no longer the pathetic poor boy, we watched as he went to the motorbike parking lot and hoped on the most expensive and pimped out bike their was and drove away.
There we all were sitting on the beach watching the sea when Diego moved to get closer to the sea and I joined him because that’s what you do when your in a couple right? I sat down next to Diego and tried to hold his hand. In my head I planned this as the perfect romantic moment to tell him those special words, I imagined him being so touched and kissing me patiently back in response. I snapped out of my day dream and look dreamy eyed at Diego and I said something like, “you’re my sweetie and I love you.” I wanted my mom to witness our connection and our relationship as the perfect couple, so she could see that we are a good couple and put her doubts to rest.
This is was really not a good idea on my part because of what was behind this action to which Diego responded by picking up a stone and lightly throwing it at my arm. It did not hurt at all but I cried like it did hurt, because I was so shocked that he would do something like that, and in front of my mother and Joakim of all things. I then said as I was trying to hide my tears that poured down my face from everyone to Diego in a low voice hoping my mom did not see that.
“Ouch Diego why would you do something like that?
What the hell is that? Who throws a rock during a potential romantic moment?
And for what because I wanted a little affection from you, is that really so bad am I really so terrible for wanting that from you?
Don’t you care about me, how I feel and what I want?
Don’t you care how this looks to everyone? How people see us?
What did I do that was so bad to make you think I deserved something like that? I am your flower you must be gentle with me.”
I did not wait for Diego to respond instead I just got up and went to the ocean and tried to hide my tears there. I’m going to teach him a lesson I thought so he knows he cannot do stuff like this to me. So I stayed in for a long time swimming mostly by myself pretending I was in this great relationship with myself and I was happy so much so I even managed to convince myself of this but while I was swimming I felt this stinging burning pain all over my arms and upper body. I thought immediately that it was a jellyfish that stung me. I kept checking my skin but could see no marks and I did not see one jellyfish near me the whole time. But I kept feeling the stinging sensation and again no jellyfish. I got out of the sea because it just became no fun anymore being stung by these invisible jellyfish. When I got home I further investigated my body and found I had these red splotch marks everywhere. I looked it up on line and they matched the marks that one gets when stung by a jellyfish; but how surely I would have seen at least one jellyfish?
I really wanted to ask Diego about this but I was still mad at him and was giving him the silent treatment doing my best to avoid him in our tiny place. Which when I think back its just so ridiculous. Its like trying to stay angry with someone your in a tight shoebox with, looking in every direction but theirs, pretending they do not exist, if I did have to talk with him it was cold distant and indifferent. It was like how we pretend everything is fine but it really not.
I wanted him to know I was upset with him, and because I was also in pain I wanted him to feel bad, to feel sorry for me, to see it as all his fault, so that he would want to make it up to me in some way, maybe by some romance and intimacy. I wanted him to know it was not ok for him to do what he did. As I racked my brain trying to understand why he did that and all I could come to was that he is actually a jerk after all that really does not care about me and my feelings, or what I think or want. He does not understand how important it was for me to do all the things that couples do as I never had anything like that before. I never had a normal relationship and I wanted that so badly. I thought I was being clear, ok yes I know he is foreign, and I know he is smart, so surely he could figure this out. For someone so smart how could he be so clueless in something like this? He was the one who had been in so many relationships in the past; he had lots of experience with woman. Surely he knew what they wanted and how to make them happy? Why does he not care about my happiness? All these things I confided with my mom. My mom tried to comfort me, but really did not know what to make of this either.
“I just want you to be happy, she said. If he does not make you happy then you know he is not the right one for you. Oh Jessy why do you do this? Why do you go for men who do not want you fully? Why do you always choose a challenge or something complex? Don’t you care about your happiness? How long are you going to drag this out? I know you brought me out here to meet this amazing, fascinating most curious guy even if he is amazing and what ever that does not make him right for you.”

I tried to explain to her that it was complex; I replied with, “Diego seemed to be someone who could help me deal with my ex. Diego is not intimidated, nor can he be manipulated by my ex. Diego can hold his own and stand up to him if need be to. Not just that I wanted to learn from Diego how to not ever have that same experience again. I know how these patterns repeat and it scares me. If I were to go home could I do it, what if those patterns resume where they left off? My ex, would be there waiting for me doing what he could to get me back, and I am so scared I will not have the strength to stand up to him like so many times before and then to my and everyone else’s dismay find myself back with him again. I did not trust myself with my ex at all. I want to know why such situations happen to so often to so many women? If Diego could help me with that then I would put up with whatever.”
Also there was another factor mom, due to the events of my last relationship I wanted to make sure I did things right. That I had the relationship I had always wanted.
I want to avoid the past at all costs. I wanted to avoid Mr. wrong as well.
But mom, do you see how this is a living paradox; because how could I avoid this if I am confused and do not understand my mind? Then confusion and Mr. wrong would automatically be who-ever I was with or whoever came into my radar, because I was still holding onto my conditionings. Its not the guy I’m not compatible with but its my mind and thoughts that are not compatible with me myself. I am always chasing the carrot on my head making me forever running to stand still. I can see that and so I am trying to do what I can so this never happens again to me. I want to become a fear expert like Diego, so I am no longer at the mercy of and always made into fear’s bitch”

“Yes, but Jess, maybe its not that complicated, maybe you just make it complicated? What if it has nothing to do with that at all? What if it is just some poor decisions you made on choosing a partner? Maybe I came to Bali because I am supposed to bring you back home with me? You know your more then welcome anytime, I will help you get over this.”
“No mom, I am not ready to go back yet, not yet I can’t.”
“Now, Jess why do you have to be like that? Your not doing well, I am worried about you. I am having a hard time recognizing you. I want my Jessica back.”

After that I left to go for a walk trying to think what to do and process everything to make a decision?
I was exhausted with being sad, puffy faced confused and frustrated all the time, maybe I had accept that Diego was out of my league and just too different for me and impossible to understand. Maybe my mom was right, after all it sure looked like all the evidence pointed to this and also to something else or should I say someone else?
I found myself walking right to Joakim’s door.
“Hi Jess, how is it going?” Joakim asked” I tried my best to explain how I was feeling in a diplomatic way.
And when I was done, he said, “well jess Diego is a good guy, and I am sure it is tough, all relationships have their challenges, but I do not think he meant to throw a rock at you. I think he was just playing or it happened by accident.
You do not really know because you’re ignoring him, which is not good. I myself do not know much about relationships but what I do know is that there should always be communication, that’s how it is going to be when I meet a girl, that’s how I would be if I was with you.
Just know am here for you, we are good friends and I like that. I like how easy you are to talk to, it’s not like that with most girls.”
“But we do communicate Joakim, sometimes it seems its all we do or all he wants to do. Its just in a unique way and its still not enough because I still do not understand him and he does not seem to understand me, at least not in the ways that are most important to me. So maybe we are just not right for each other. It seems to my mom and I that you’re more right for me. Maybe my mom is right on this one after all.”
“That’s a good one Jess, you almost had me there.”
“No, Joakim, I am being serious have you ever thought of us being together what it would be like?” I asked.
“We do have chemistry, I will not deny that but Jess I will not entertain such thoughts. I would always push them away because I know Diego is a good guy and I would never do that to someone.”
“No me neither Joakim, I have been faithful with every guy I have been with and I am not referring to that. But I have been thinking how if i was not with Diego I would be with you, I am pretty sure about that and now I am considering that, maybe this is the better way for everyone. Diego seems to have his special connection with Azropia and I do not stand a chance next to her. I think she has his heart, which is why he will not open up to me. I am sure I am a pain for Diego anyway making his life harder then it has to be. I do not know if he is happy with me, or even why he really wants to be with me, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.”
“So, Joakim said’ what do you want to do?”
“I think I will talk to Diego about this and then I will see where to go from there hold tight Joakim I will let you know how it goes.”

Diego was on his computer and I sat on the bed and stared at my feet for a bit, then I started to talk. “I want to talk with you. I am not sure what kind of relationship this is? There is no romance, hardly any physical intimacy interactions, we have no chemistry, no cuddling, no support, no sharing activities and things we enjoy or like to do with each other and we have no understanding. In which I mean I try to understand you but you do not want to understand me no matter how I try to explain to you what I would like and so on. I think you can agree this is not a relationship. That you and me together are not working. There are so many things that I need in a relationship that you’re not able to give me, or do not want me and I do not want you to change for me either. We are not doing what couples should be doing.
I know you know I do not understand you either and make your life harder and more annoying then it needs to be, and I just do not know what you want from me. We do not feel like a couple to anyone, not even me. So I do not know what we are exactly? And I cannot get over that you threw a stone at me purposely or what the heck happened to me when I went swimming in the ocean. Do you know what happened to me in the ocean? I know they are jellyfish marks but why couldn’t I see them?”
Then Diego responded, “First of all I do not care if we have chemistry or not. Nor do I care if we are compatible, or even if have much in common or anything like that, its not that important in a relationship.”
“Uh what do you mean it’s not important everyone says these are the things to look for in order for a relationship to work?” I challenged Diego back on his strange logic that did not fit the norm.
“I do not care what everyone thinks, because they are not thinking, they are just imitating and pretending how they think a relationship should be which is why it often turns into a mess. I do not care about having a normal relationship. I do not care what others think either. I am not in a relationship with other people but it seems like you are.”
“I just do not want to hurt you Diego.” I said
“You can not hurt me so do not worry about that. He said and do but do not push me to be normal, or do what other couples do. I am not going to give you want you want. A relationship is not supposed to be about giving and taking drugs to one another in which one partner is the drug dealer or controller. Speaking of controller do not forget your ex controlled you with sex do not make me do the same thing, you cant and its not you anyway. Its just your past conditioning of what you think is normal, what the world thinks is normal, is not normal at all. And as for romance, it’s a hoax and someone else’s idea, and I do not care about that, you will never see me give you flowers and all that kind of stuff. I mean even if I did all those things it would not be enough, indeed it is not in any relationship that plays that game, same with sending constant text messages saying I love you do you love me? Nonsense.”
(It is true that to Diego this is not only nonsense to him but even calling your partner terms of endearment such as sweetie honey, darling is totally ridiculous to him I remember when I called him sweetie he did not know why I called him sweetie and kept asking me why I called him that and what does it mean really? I thought it was just something with lost in translation but it really did make no sense to him and it was so hard to get over not using these terms of endearment as I used them all the time and especially find that we mechanically do it with our partners because we think that is how we need to be. While I was thinking about this and the word love hit me, and I wondered why did that word upset him?
“So is that the reason why you threw a rock at me because I said I love you? I was just trying to express my feelings for you.”
“First off I did not throw a rock at you, I lightly dropped it on you and you know it because you did not feel pain though you pretended like you did for some consensus which I refused to give. I know that consensus monster and I refuse to feed it and the confusions and fights it brings. I used the rock to snap you out of that spell, you needed a bit of a shock, but it was not enough. Rather then thinking you retreated more into consensus, you were not saying you love me anyway, you were saying your love for your idea of love and it is not the same.”
“No it is not true, I argued, I do L word you, but what can I do? I want to say it but I can’t, but I’m now scared to say that word to you. So is that not controlling of you?”
“No, he said, I just want you to think about what you’re saying, and why you’re saying it? What your really saying and what is behind it?
If your confused and infected with a virus of an ocean of conditioning then you cannot love anyone, no one can love anyone, they can only love their ideas.
Why do you think it’s so easy to fall in and out of love with a person, how interchangeable the person is; that we say the same thing to other partner as well? The same program gets played out regardless which leads to fights, but because we are confused and we do not see or realize that we think. I know people will argue with me on this and say no, the problem is I need to find my soul-mate then everything will be ok. But that is never the case so why don’t people think further down the line; rather then to get upset and keep assuming and hoping, when it is clear it’s not working? Love is the most misunderstood word ever it’s been abused and used to abuse others.” To the many what they call love is actually fear because so many are afraid to lose what they love and then they do and so they become bitter and destroyed because of this ready to go to war and fight internally or externally for what ever with out thinking things through.
No one has ever been in love or knows really what it is because if we did the world would not be how it is and beliefs would not rule and control our psyche this is not my opinion, this is a fact this is history and reality.”
This was a bit hard to take but I could not argue because I could not help being able to see what he was getting at and that was even harder because of the realization that I always knew yet pretended I did not. Instead I gave into the cliché patterns and thinking and all the traps that went with it. We really do know, we just do not want to know, so we convince ourselves of this and act dumb, get lost in conditioning, answers and information; so we do not have to ever face what we already know. It’s so easy to pretend we do not know and play victim. The problem is we have done such a good job of convincing ourselves, its like a bad habit now, that once you know you have a problem is not enough to stop yourself from doing the same thing over and over again, case and point what happened next.

Diego then said, “which brings me to the jellyfish, since you were still feeding your virus after the rock was tossed, rather then thinking you went in the ocean so then something a bit more intense had to happen to help you to understand but rather then taking the opportunity to understand you got upset and blamed me. But I did not do it, someone else did, which is why you could not see them, but you sure were able to feel them and you have the marks all over your body to, but do not worry your body will regenerate itself.”
“Who is that someone I asked? Wait never mind I know. Its Azropia isn’t it? What the heck why would she do something like that? Was she displeased with me and felt the need to punish me or was she jealous? I know you and her have this special connection that I cannot even begin to understand. If she wants you and you want to be with her I am ok with that. I do not want to hold either of you back. Your more right for each other anyway and she can understand you in a way I never can, and I know what that means to you. And do not worry about me, because I was thinking maybe me and Joakim would be a pretty good match, don’t you think?”
Diego replied with, “Jess were you not listening to me at all or where you just listening and thinking through your conditioning assumptions confusions fake ideals again?”
“No I am listening (as to me at that time I thought I was now, as I write this I am cringing.) I just think it will be easier and more right this way, that’s all.”
“You still do not understand he said, Azropia does not care at all about jealousy I do not think she could be if she tried. Nor is it really that she is displeased, she just wanted you to snap out of it, to see that how you were thinking was trapping yourself yet again.
“What how can something as innocent of me saying I love you be a trap, that makes no sense?”
Diego went on, “Do you see if Azropia thought in the same way then she to would be trapping herself. This is not about love or romantic relationships or being with each other through out time or anything like that. It’s about co-working, co-sharing, co- understanding so we can all get out. This is why I say your not listening and if you want to continue on with this then, Ok decide who you rather be with, its your decision not mine and then get back to me. But if you choose him there is no coming back to me. I refuse to play the on again off again game.”

Then I went off on my own again to think.
As I asked myself, what if Diego is right and I am so conditioned and that my conditioning is protecting itself by thinking through me and looking for solutions to keep itself safe?
I am telling myself things will be better with Joakim and maybe in some ways it would be, but eventually our confusion would take over again a relationship with someone else would not help me to understand or dismantle this and could even add to even more confusion and conditioning. And I really honestly do not want the cliché normal relationship and life that most end up having (romance, married, kids, retire and then die or divorce fight then die.) It would be interesting to be able to dismantle relationships and love and peak behind the curtain and see what is beyond this? Hmm decisions which one is stronger in me the desire for the cliche or curiosity of what’s behind the curtain?
I was soon to realize it did not matter which one I would choose because both of these desires would wage a major war inside me for a whole year. In which I would swing back and forth like a pendulum that would end up making me so exhausted and frustrated beyond what I could fathom. This is what happens when we play favorites with something inside our psyche with out a total and profound understanding what we are doing our ideals quickly becomes a belief system and thus always duality and conflict internally then externally.
Also I was determined to understand how and why so many people end up in abusive relationships would I be able to understand that pattern people develop while in relationships, enough so to dismantle it, or just get stuck in it yet again? Besides if I choose Joakim or even to go back home with my mom, to totally throw in the towel then my chances of getting out of the limbo trap that all man kind find themselves in greatly decreases or goes away entirely. Diego and Azropia know the traps so well they have been here in this limbo for so long and have been spending this time understanding the prison so as to get out and for some reason they are willing to show me all the traps as well. (Like the main character in the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ after a while he is so familiar with the pattern and he stops trying to control and manipulate and instead understands more)
Yet here I am fighting and making dramas with them, which they will not give into. All because of my stupid conditioning that is practically almost impossible to shake.

I then went and talked to Joakim again he was excited to see me and curious about what I had decided.
“I think I should stay with Diego.” I blurted out right away. Yes it is hard and not at all what I thought a relationship with him would be, but I feel this pull in me that I must continue on with this no matter what. I have fallen down my own rabbit hole and there is no going back. Had you and i met before I came to Bali then for sure something would have happened between us and maybe there is a time line of this somewhere but for some reason life stepped forward and opened a door in the ground that I must explore. I am sure if I leave Diego then this opportunity will expire as well there would be no going back to him. I keep thinking if I did leave and tried to come back that I would find when I went to his place that the whole house had disappeared like in the movie ‘Poltergeist’ where the home implodes and disappears into some void and if I ask the neighbor’s about Diego they would all say, “Who? Never heard of him,” as if he never existed. My being with Diego and what he is showing me feels like some glitch out of time and space. You know how he always uses that metaphor about being stuck on a deserted island that if that happened to us that our aloneness would make our depression and most of our existential problems go away, because people is where most of our psychological struggling and discord comes from? Well that is what it feels like, as if I am on a deserted island I’m not sure how but that feeling is so strong. We do not go out because he wants to be isolated and alone so I can fully understand what aloneness means and why we really try to avoid it so much.”

Then Joakim spoke, “Well Jess, I have to say that I am upset, not that you chose Diego over me, but because you told me that I had a chance; you got my hopes up for nothing. I had that door closed and when you said I could open it even a bit, now it’s already a bit too painful for me. I am not sure how to handle something like this. I feel awkward not just around you but Diego to, and I really did not want to do this. I came here to work on my confusion not add to it. I think it is best that we do not hang out as much as we did before especially not because it will be too painful for me. We cannot go back to how things were either. We cannot just be friends and forget you said what you did, because I can’t and nor can I fake either. I need to be on my own its better that you go now.


Chapter 9: The 2012 Delusion = to More Con-fusion

During the following week I stayed at home with Diego though he mostly did his own thing. So I had to do my own thing to but I was having great troubles doing what I did before, but I was determined to dismantle that to. I started to see my mamma bear less and less, which is a bit strange. I mean I invite her out here then I do not see her that much and my mom spends all her time mostly alone. I did not feel so good about this so I was always in guilt saying to myself I better see my mom or before I know it time will slip by and she will be back in Canada and I will be angry at myself that I did not see her when I did. I had this huge list of all these thing I would do with her and now time was fast going by and we had not done any of the things I promised. Ah I am terrible daughter, annnnnd there is that conditioning again. When I did manage to see my mom I was either in my head or totally distracted, or I was impatient even curt with her, or emotionally distraught; from the dismantling process, which my mom did not understand, she took it like I was being a masochist of some kind.
My mom though was good sport and tried to make the most of her time on her own doing things she always wanted to do. But in the rare days I saw her we would spend time by the pool while my mom worked on teaching herself how to swim. I had no idea she was so afraid of water always thinking she was going to drawn not wanting to go into the deep end of the pool. When she was able to finally swim she was like a 5-year-old constantly saying, Jess look at me? Watch, watch, your not watching, hey I saw you look away.” She always wanted my attention, to always watch her or look at this and look at that. I decided to lend my mom my camera so she could make her own video journals for her friends back home. But my mom is so bad with working electronics always finding something to make it more challenging then it is. I suspect it’s actually her insisting to hold onto her old school ways. She still does not know how to use facebook, and she finds it too overwhelming, too much for her to keep track of.

Before I knew it, it was the end of 2012 I spent this day alone with Diego, as I waited for something to happen. Diego did say nothing would happen and sure enough nothing happened. But all over facebook that day people were saying oh I feel the energy of this day wow its so powerful. So many just convinced themselves that something was happening cause they could not handle that nothing was happening. While others made things happen to the point it really upset me. Such as people convincing themselves they had been given messages to kill their kids, because they were thought to be the anti christ and if they did not do it, then their would be no shift; and they must do it before 2012, and so they did then when they saw nothing had happened they killed themselves.
“Is that the shift?” Diego said?
“I don’t know.” I said.
“I do, it is the shift, he said, but is not the shift that people think. Its not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. The confusion is going to spill out in ways that will increase the percentage of depression in the world. (Sure enough that is exactly what happened.) People are looking for a way to escape their confused life but there is nowhere they can go. The more they try to push it away the more intense it will get for them, to the point they will speed up the extinction of their species.”
“But Diego, its not their fault they are just conditioned, isn’t it a bit harsh?”
Its not my opinion, and its not choice, its just a fact. It cannot keep going this way no way. So many refuse to think and understand, they will continue to fight and make a mess of their life at all costs. Hence this new age thing, which I had no idea how rampant this stuff was until I met you Jess. These new age spiritual motivational speakers/healers are spreading confusion like a wild fire; this is a crime. I would not be surprised if the major speakers in this field are being funded by big pharma.
The only thing people can do is either plant some seeds in their psyche so as to evolve into something less confused or work on their own dismantling so as to free themselves.”
I then said, “The messed up thing about this Diego is these people think they are helping and are acting this way because they think it will make them evolve or shift. Though its clear we have been deluding ourselves. I can think in time like you, I can think historically and in the future as well. The mathematic equation for this if we continue down this ‘love light be positive conscious and happy way’ if we think that is all there is to life or the solution to life and what we should strive for, then we are steering ourselves to a time line reality limbo. It reminds me of 2 ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes titled ‘It’s a Good Life.’ ‘The Simpsons’ did their own version in a Halloween episode where everyone is forced to be happy and positive out of fear of a little boy that will do terrible things if they are not. So the people are forced to be in fear and fake. But in our own realities case it would not be because of a small boy (though this can be thought to be jesus, in which because of baby jesus we have to be good or else.) but because of society, our conditioning, our peers, friends and family who are already and always trying to make us this way.
The other ‘Twilight Zone’ episode that this reminds me of its called ‘Number 12 Looks Just Like You.’ In which in the future everyone has attractive healthy bodies and are drinking this happy juice that prevents people from thinking negative or independent thoughts. When one girl refuses to change her body into the typical attractive prototype because she wants to be who she is and not like everyone else the others start to think that there is something wrong with her, that she is crazy, and has not taken enough happy juice. She is not being positive at all, she is being negative to them, and eventually she is forced and tricked into doing the procedure to be just like everyone else.
This is scary because it is so very similar to where our world is heading to if we continue down the superficial new age path.
Its really baffling to me that people can not see the world they are setting up for themselves? Indeed our inner pictures of how we think things are and how we think they should be, are extremely fragmented and lack full thought.
So many times we think we want something we strive for it then when we get it and find it’s not what we thought. Yet for all the times this has happened to us we still insist to continue in this way. Thus always having to deal with the disappointing even bad surprises. Now here people are waiting for the shift doing what ever they can to help it along because it sounds nice and ideal, yet there is no thought if they will actually like it, or that it will be what they think? The other curious thing is that this waiting for something to save us or change is a lot like a carrot dangled over the nose. Now that 2012 is gone and over with the many new cage/age spiritual speakers to cover their asses say, “oh sorry its not 2012 its now 2025 or 2050.” I am sure when we get to these dates then others will keep moving it. If you try to bring this up to people to challenge them to think about this waiting deal they get mad saying your negative as if your trying to get them to take off their rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is and all that we have done in the name of our thoughtless beliefs, ideas, desires, and hopes.?
This is was such a profound realization that when I got asked to do an interview with Evita Ochel I agreed to do it but only if I was able to talk about my change and not my old stuff This video interview can also be found on the main page of my website. I thought it would discourage people from writing me regarding my old content, surprisingly it has not worked so well and I still get many letters for new age nonsense which I now find to be most nauseating.


Chapter 10: Nori-roll

The early new year brought us another visitor a girl from japan whom I like to call Nori-roll. I also had her stay in the same area as my mom and Joakim. Nori-roll is a very sweet girl that everyone enjoyed very much. She found me through my videos but was also interested in my change and about Diego. She was not upset or challenged at all about the things we shared it all to her it was interesting and exciting, especially the really out there stuff as it sparked her imagination and fantasy. She really enjoyed all the stories I shared about my experiences with Diego, she was never once weirder out by anything I said. Nori-roll was also a really kind of cutesy Japanese girl, with adorable doll like outfits, and had little knickknack toys and snacks that she brought for as a gift to us. She had this really sweet sing song voice as well that was nice to listen to. She said she always felt connected to me, and even translated some of my videos into Japanese for me. She always thought if we ever met we would be good friends, she felt we had much in common and now that I was in Bali I was assemble enough for her. So just like that she booked a ticket and before I knew it she was also in Bali. The first few days, we spent lots of time talking and getting to know each other of course it was like that in the beginning but as I continued to struggle with my dismantling process of conditioning I did not want to visit as much and so when I was in the mood to hang out it would be with everyone at once so it was Nori, Joakim and my mom that would go on little explorations and adventures together of course Diego was not always keen on joining the group and mostly ended up doing his own thing.
One adventure that comes to mind with Nori and Joakim is when I decided to take them to this really unique art house and to visit a friend of Diego’s that was also visiting Bali at that time. She was a stunt woman for the movie ‘Avatar’ I only met her once but that was enough to establish a connection. I decided to try to visit her again as I was telling Joakim and Nori about her and this place she was staying at. We ended up arriving there pretty late our friend was not able to visit for very long. So after exploring the place rather then cabbing back I talked them into walking back I was sure it was not so far away but it actually was; but in my head I was thinking of another place that was not that far. So we started to walk and it was getting dark and it rained for the first part of the journey as well, we had no umbrellas so we all got soaked. However everyone was in good spirits about it. We kept on walking on not sure if we were going in the right direction. I was starting to realize that we were a lot more father then I thought. Yet I was sure if we kept walking in this direction that we would end up in this area called ‘Sunset Hill’ that Diego took me to a couple of times. Well I was right about this but by that time it was dark and muddy. Nori was the only one that had a flashlight; actually it was a tiny pathetic disco like flashlight that was more like a laser pointer. It was the only light we had for the path. We did the whole walk through the park we were muddy and wet but we eventually made to the main road and from their I was able to get lead everyone home. It was about a 2 and a half hour walk that we did. When we got back we told Diego all about it.
He said, “wait you walked through ‘Sunset Hill’ in the dark and in the rain and with that poor excuse for a flashlight?”
“Yes.” we said.
Diego then informed us and said, “I guess you do not know that none of the locals dare to do that, as it’s a total death wish to do something like that. Its full of green snakes and pythons there, they lay on the path and do not care if a person comes they are not afraid at all and if you step on them your dead.”
“ Really, I said, we did not see any snakes non at all actually.
I started to lose my chipper mood realizing that I had put my friends in serious danger. We were lucky but damn it, I have to be more careful and be more attentive. When Joakim and Nori left I started to think about the odds of not seeing snakes there and I realized that it was almost impossible. So how could it be that when we walked through there was not one snake? Later it was confirmed that Diego and someone else had something to do with this. He knew we were walking through there and he either adjusted the time lines or spoke with the snakes or did something to keep the snakes from the path.

Another experience with snakes that happened around this time was while in the middle of watching bicentennial. Diego’s favorite part of the movie was when the robot finds a spider and rather then responding with fear and violence like humans tend to do when they encounter a spider this robot instead lightly touched it and then gently put it out in the garden.
“It’s a sad thing when robots are more sensitive and attentive then people.” he said then he went down stairs to have a cigarette I for some reason followed him maybe we were talking and I wanted to continue this chat outside with him. He then went the pond and was doing something but I do not know what. There was a green snake near by that he did not see or had a misunderstanding with I can not recall how and why exactly it happened but Diego ended up getting bitten by a baby green mamba. Now most people would die from something like this. Diego was in pain I could tell but was busy assimilating the venom, he refused to go to the hospital or let me help him in anyway.
“Are you sure Diego?”
“Yes I am fine I am lucky it only bit me with one fang and he used only a little bit of venom.” I was nervous to sleep even. I was afraid to wake up and find Diego dead beside me. But he managed to assimilate all the poison, which is what he does for any germ virus bacteria or poison. “Its what mushrooms do as well. He said so the intelligence can be merged.” The next day I watched him as he pushed the potted plants into the pond where the snake was sitting on, then he threw a few more things in the pond; though I do not know what it was exactly. But from then on, there were no snakes seen near our pond for 8 months, where as before they were there every-night. Diego only allowed babies on the yard there were never any adults that I saw. He was always concerned about the snakes and did his best to make sure the locals did not see the snakes, because they would kill them right away, so he was always finding ways of preventing this from happening.

We were not able to do that much with Nori while she was here because she arrived just when rainy season started. So the whether never permitted us to do much and even when we would go out to lunch we would get stuck in torrential pours and we would get stranded at the restaurant because all the roads and paths and ditches were flooded.
The night Nori was supposed to return to Japan she ended up missing her flight but I should have suspected when Nori came by to say goodbye to Diego he smiled with that knowing look he often has and said, “see you soon, real soon, sooner then you think.” No one thought anything of it. The following day we were supposed to meet up with Joakim but he never showed up and did not respond to any of our messages. We found out later that day why Joakim was unreachable. It was because Nori had missed her flight and only Joakim knew about this. I think she called him to help her out, but that was not the only reason. Joakim and Nori were falling for each other. I later found out that they had spent most of the nights talking and the last night they talked for so long that she ended up being distracted and missing her flight. I think after she was brought back we were informed that it was official they were a couple. When I informed Diego he said, “I know.”
“Of course you do, I said, you little stinker, I did not have you pegged for a cupid as well, nice work.”
“No it’s not cupid or anything like that, he said, its just mathematics.”
“Of course it is.” I said, as I was now getting familiar to his responses. Now it made sense why Nori asked me if I would be ok if they hooked up? I did tell her all that happened between him and me as well. I’m sure joakim told her his version as well. Nori ended up staying an extra week and from then on her and Joakim were inseparable. I was and am really happy for them. Shortly after Nori left back to Japan, Joakim went to Japan to be with her. He ended up extending his stay in japan for a couple more months. Then he went back to Sweden and Nori followed shortly after that. And they are still together and are our first EOF relationship hook up, on the soon to be EOF dating project. The next couple to hook up through the EOF would also be with a girl from japan, but I am getting ahead of myself.


Chapter 11: Encounters with Black Magic

a)–Charge Strait into the Torpedo- I was having a relaxing night when Diego said, “I am going for a night drive do you want to come with me? However you should know there is a good chance we will get in a bad bike accident and be seriously hurt or even die. Do you still want to come?”
“Uhmm, I said, I do not know, that does not sound very tempting, why the heck are you telling me this? Can I change this at all I like changed other things?”
“Perhaps.” he said, we will see, only one way to find out.
Do you want to come yes or no? he asked again. Its ok its just fear, remember the frogs they go to the pond anyway even though they know there are snakes, they do not let fear rule them or make any decisions for them. You know there is this story about this submarine that had this torpedo launched at it and what the submarine did was went full speed into the torpedo as it had a timer of when it would explode. The only chance the sub had was to destroy it before it could blow so it crashed its submarine into it and destroyed the torpedo, that is how we should handle fear to.”
“Well ok, I said, I will come.” I remember I felt nervous but not scared. Diego was going very fast on the bike, faster then we usually would go and I asked Diego,
“I thought you said you knew our time lines and that we will not die till later on in life?”
“Time lines are always changing.” he said.
“Ah that is why one must be attentive at all times right? So they can perceive the shifting time lines so as to navigate themselves on the junctions of the railway tracks, so you can see ahead and know which junction to take? That is why in order to be attentive one must be clear and not have confusion or a busy searching mind as it distracts them from perceiving in every possible direction like an owl? This is why we have so many accidents and atrocities in the world and this is what your getting at when you write your posts.”
“Yes that is exactly correct.,” he said.
I stopped talking I was lost in thought as he drove faster and we had no helmets on. Time acts different while in motion be it fast or slow time can even skip and trip. We drove down a dark alley and ended up in some rural village where Diego stopped and got off the bike and started to walk towards this banyan tree and some Balinese temple. Some locals dressed in ceremonial clothes cut our walk short, they shouted at us to get our attention. They wanted to talk but it was the usual annoying talk from them, such as, “where you go? Where you from? Where you stay?” For some reason I did not want to make eye contact with them; I just looked down at the ground there was something weird about them. They had this weird look on their faces I did not like it. Diego calmly answered their questions in a vague way, we know to never give personal info to a local not because it was dangerous its more annoying they can just show up and bother you, and it was hard enough as is to have privacy in Bali from the locals.
After that we got back on the bike, Diego said, “they were doing black magic that is why they they were acting especially weird. As we drove on I remember how all the male locals suddenly were out and sat on the side of the road all looking at us as if they could see something on us, that they knew something that we did not. How could they all know just like that? It did not seem to matter where we drove, they still suddenly were all out watching us. They were so creepy; Bali can be a totally different entity in night, depending where you are mostly when in small villages and near temples you can feel really uneasy queasy feelings.
Then all the dogs that were out, that was totally calm before, started barking and chasing us. When the dogs did this Diego stopped the bike to let the dogs catch up, Diego turned around and growled at them if the dogs kept perusing us after that then Diego would chase the dog with his bike and every time the dogs retreated. He especially liked when the dogs acted all tough and mean but were wagging their tail that meant they were friendly and they were just doing their job.
“What’s going on Diego?” I asked?
“Oh the dogs are just doing their job protecting their domain.”
“Yes but they did not do that before with us, its as if they sense that there is something different with us. Could they detect as well that we were marked with black magic?”
Diego continued to drive extremely fast and I was bracing myself well this is it here we go but I was also perceiving time lines and plucking them like strings on a guitar to make them move in waves. Just when we are so close to making it home right near the entrance to our place where there is a little bridge Diego miscalculated and hit the corner of the bridge and bike fell over and I rolled down the little hill while Diego got pined under the bike. As I rolled and hit the ground I was laughing I do not know why it was funny but it was. For me thinking about an accident is always more scary then the actual experience of it.
We both got scratched up a bit Diego poured peroxide on all our wounds then heated a knife with his lighter and put it down on our wounds to as to accelerate the body regeneration process, I am not sure why it works but it does.
“Very good, he said, you countered the black magic nicely.”
“ Uh, I did it?” I said.
“ Yep he said. You were driving the bike not me. Now they are going to get what they sent to us back ten fold.”
“What? No, Diego, I was not driving the bike you were, what are you talking about? And now way I do not want to do something like that, to them.”
“Its not something you or I are doing. It’s not revenge either or who is better then who that’s just plain stupid. It’s just the mathematics law and rule of playing with either be it white or dark magic or any polarity for that matter. It makes a boomerang effect so they did it to themselves playing such stupid games.
“Ah I see I said, It does not matter if one chooses to be on the so called good or the so called bad side both sides always will lose because they were duped into fighting, and we are violent when we pick a side. It’s the same with god the devil, negative positive its too sides to the same coin so we are still stuck fighting with both as it makes us bi-polar split mind due to the contradictions of the different conditioning in our psyche. When we do this we are not thinking nor are we being attentive.”
“Yes exactly, he said, this is another mess that comes with holding onto beliefs in either side. Black magic is so stupid and petty.”
I then asked him, “Have the locals here black magic been sent to you before?”
“Yes and its annoying, like some game and test they play around with, but they do not fully understand it. That is why no matter what they do they always get back confusion and more problems.
So just check the newspaper tomorrow and you will see what happens in that area we were just in, were the black magic was done to us. Sure enough due to some heavy rainfall there were landslides in that area and that places we went by had slid down the hill and into the ravine.

b)- The Leyak-  

Diego is super boring when it comes to food as I shared in pervious blogs. Not only does he pretty much only eat pizza for dinner but for lunch he always goes to the same place and orders the same thing with out getting sick of it. Most of the time we would see our guests for lunch in which we would all meet at the same place for lunch but my mamma bear started to get restless and look for other places to eat, and she ended up finding this cute little place tucked away that happens to be near macjagers and david bowies Bali get away place. One day my mom showed me the little warung (restaurant in Balinese) it was run by a little old lady that seemed to be fond of my mom; she gave her a lot of food for very little money and the food did not have much bugs and hair in it, which is always a bonus here. So I decided to show Diego the place and yeah, he liked it to, so for a bite we would go there to eat.
Now for those of you who do not know which I am sure that is most of you a Leyak is a woman that can turn into a cat and back again. The locals are afraid of leyaks because they are predators that target pregnant woman and feed on the energy of the child so the baby that is targeted is born dead. They are also able to throw their heads around and make them fly around. Leyaks are not bad or evil it’s just their nature they are preditors, they simply do not know any other way to be and they are very much drawn and attracted to confusion. I know it just sounds like some Balinese superstition but we have friends who have seen a girl leap under a table and she would disappear and there would be a cat instead where she used to be. Another time he saw the cat go under the table and out of the other side came a girl. This is no magic trick, there is nowhere a person could hide and just switch with a cat like that. Yes Leyaks are very much real, among with a bunch of other bizzaro things that go bump in the night in Bali.
So anyway shortly after we came back from eating at that new place. And hearing how the old lady had just came back from a funeral of a baby that had died.
Diego was having tech problems with all his phones and his computer it was to was acting up. Ok it’s a thing to have one thing not working another thing to have everything all at once or in sequence not working. Then later that night right when we were about to go to bed and I was going down the stairs to the bathroom and to turn off the lights. There on the floor was a large green snake; I immediately backed up the stairs as I came to grips with what I was seeing in the house. They never came in the house before, its very unusual for a green snake to come in the house; as they are mostly by ponds where the frogs are. I did have a huge pile of clothes and my backpack open on the floor that Diego always suggested I not do that unless I wanted to find a cobra tucked into my backpack somewhere, as they tend to like warm places like that. So it was more likely for a cobra to come in the house not a green snake. And I shouted for Diego, to come. Diego knew exactly what to do, he started snapping his fingers, that’s how to communicate with it, as they speak through sound vibration. Then Diego, grabbed an umbrella and started to point and poke at it a bit so as to guide the snake out the door into the garden, then off into the jungle. I was surprised how the snake listened and just did what Diego wanted with out any problems.
It was very interesting to see how Diego reacted to all this and how he knew exactly what to do. I mean most people would be upset with an event like this. They would feel scared, or they would say why me? Or they would take it personal perhaps feeling special and seeing it as their purpose to vanquish evil before it vanquishes them. Many people would judge this Leyak saying its evil or a threat, but Diego was not upset that this Leyak felt no remorse either. “Its not supposed to have remorse, he said, and its not evil either its just a predator doing what it does. No animal feels remorse when it has to kill another for survival. This is not a game, or a sport, or a pleasure to them like the sick people today.”
Diego seemed to have an understanding for a being like this.
As for the situation or the series of unfortunate events he did not care, to him it was boring and that’s what he had to say about it. He was not upset either that it would cost him some money to replace his electronics or that we had our lives threatened by a snake. Diego has this mysterious confidence and knowing that nothing can harm us.
“The snake was confused.” Diego said.
“Huh how so?” I asked
“The snake does not know why its there. It was hypnotized and put in a spell and was commanded to come into our house and so it did just that, but I snapped it out of its spell and helped it to understand what had happened; and that he does not have to do this and will not be harmed because of stupidity.
The Poor animals are used in this way, their life disrupted to be involved in petty human drama games, being used as pawns.” Diego’s sympathy for the snake was just something else.
Most people especially animal lovers would not see the snake as a victim in all this; they would not consider the snakes’ feelings or its side of the story. Nor would a person be able to see that the snake was hypnotized of all the ironic things. I was even surprised at this information so I had to ask.
“What, do you mean to say a snake can be hypnotized by people as well really?”
“This is so boring, Diego said, I’m so tired of these boring games of confusion.
Yes this is black magic again.”
“ I see, I said, but who did this to us this time? Is it anyone we know? And what did we do to make someone do this to us?”
“Yes Jess you know who it is, but we did not do anything, we were just caught in their confusion cross fire as we were eating. If they pollute the water near them its not a personal attack or anything just stupidity and everyone in the vicinity gets effected the worst its like that in this case. Its just the Leyaks nature to do this its what she has been doing all this time.”
“What, you mean it was that little old sweet lady at the restaurant mom showed me? You mean to say she did this? That she is a Leyak? I did not get that from her usually you can feel those things.”
“Yes she is, remember the last time we ate there, she told us she had just came back from a funeral of woman who lost her baby? Oh I said putting all the pieces together.
This is why I like to avoid confusion. This is why I am not interested in going to parties with people I do not know, especially new agers making mantras everything is ok and what not because this does nothing but make more confusion and I am not comfortable with this at all, I much rather be on my own and everything is not ok damn it.” he said.
“What do you mean we did not know, nor did we go to any parties lately? So how could have we have possibly avoided it?”
“Your mom showed us the restaurant she found it in her confusion and thus found more confusion and confusion is contagious; which ended up spreading to us.”
“ But my mamma bear did not know, she is innocent, she did not mean to introduce us to something like that, surely if she knew she would have never showed us?” “Exactly he said, but because of her confusion she can not detect or see these things.

Moral of the story put yourself in the shoes of what you fear the most and then you will be able to see past the fear then observe what is really going on.


Chapter 12: Why Bad Things Happen to Good People?

It was clear after the event with the Leyak that Diego was really annoyed with my mom and I did my best to defend her. “She is not a bad person; I said, I am really lucky I had a good family and a pretty good childhood, because I had such warm loving parents. They never forced us or made us do things we did not want to do. They never pushed the social norms on us and rarely fought. My mom has always been supportive and kind.”
“It does not matter and its not enough, he said. You were still raised on a certain way of thinking that turned into a trap as well. People think if only they had a good childhood, good parents that they would not be a psychological mess, but its not so. It does not matter if one comes from a good family or not, there is still a family belief system that if not observed then can create a mess in the mind.” I could not see this at the time, but I can now, though I will get more into this in the next blog.
“And it does not matter if she is a good and kind person. Diego went on, unfortunately that does not take away a persons confusion or make them able to think, or get out of their self- created conditioned limbo, nor to avoid more problems even disasters and tragedies.”
My heart sunk, this was a hard one for me to swallow. I always thought that all you had to be was a good kind person and you would be fine. You would be able to come out ok on the other-side, it would not equal a limbo. But I could now see it, that question that we all ask why do bad things happen to good people? I nor my parents and every-one I know could not understand why they were such good kind people and yet we had all this crap and tragedy in our life. Some would say its god testing us or life testing us to grow into our potential, but now I see that is not necessarily so; life can be a challenge suffering is real but its not necessary. I started to understand what he meant when he said that. So it could have all been avoided but its too late. No its not too late, how can it be too late when there is no time? It can all be undone and that is also part of the reason why it is important to not only dismantle our whole life but our history as well because that all must be understood for it is held prison in our concept of time. This brought up a billion questions in me but I was not ready to go there (more on this later it ties into time lines.) My head was still spinning from this revelation as more things started to click and fall into place in my mind. A memory came to me of some lightworker friends that thought they were soul-mates. (what ever that means?) They worked all the time together on developing their consciousness to be enlightened, happy peaceful and kind and then when they went to south America; to do some workshops on consciousness of the heart. They were walking in the park having a romantic date when some men jumped them and held a machine gun up to them. They then grabbed the girl while beating the guy saying, “if you want to see her alive again you will give us this amount of money.” The girl was held captive on a cliff and she heard that even after they get the money they were going to kill her. So she decided to jump out the window and went down the cliff. She some how managed to survive but was seriously injured, most of her bones were broken especially her pelvis; she was never the same after the accident.
I remember being so upset and perplexed when I heard about this. No, how can this happen they were so conscious and peaceful? I had suspected there is a hidden agenda to the desire of being, good, kind and conscious and that is fear, because we think if we are a certain kind of person then bad things will no longer happen to us, and our soul would be ok as well in the after life. But this is not true not at all in fact it just makes more bad things happen because its not understanding, its not thinking, its not psychological peace, its actually force and control to be a certain way or else and that is confusion, and confusion leads to more confusion. We have conditioning ourselves by this idea and because of this we are blind to all the traps around us, and the violence we are unconsciously encouraging in our life that starts first in our minds. We were living in our intellect and memory, not our instinct, perception, sensitivity and observation, this fragments the mind, this is violence and will bring more violence and tragedy; because if we were then we could see these traps a mile away. That is how Diego was able to see them he understood this so well the nuts and bolts the whole mechanics of it and thus he did not live in fear like the majority do. When you really understand fully and are able to think with all the parts of our mind there is no need to fear because you see everything, you see like Neo did at the end of the movie ‘The Matrix all the mathematical binary codes.’
This is where I started to see what I was doing in my spiritual coaching and speaking work. I had people coming to me for advice in their life wanting comfort from their mess wanting some advice and so what do spiritual speakers say? “oh its alright, its going to be ok, just follow your heart, be positive, be a good person and follow your dreams.” But dreams are not reality and we are unknowingly assisting in keeping people blind. No wonder they would call back shortly after back in the same mess, the same damn pot hole. I wanted to really be able to help. I did not want to be anymore the person people called when something bad happened to them to give them comfort. I wanted to now how to do damage prevention. I wanted them to be able to help them to be able to see those potholes and psychological bombs a mile away, so they would not have to struggle and suffer so much. So that others to could be thinkers and observers. Sure it sounded good but I had no idea how to do this, well I did have some idea what with being with Diego but it was not enough. I still had more dismantling to do. I had to stop myself from fighting and arguing with Diego and protecting my conditioning. It was like automatic in me, I knew it was not me, but I did not know how to break the pattern, the more I tried the more intense and painful it got inside of me, and the more I lashed out and took it out on Diego. Good thing he understands the process and knew exactly what was going on with me. So he put up with it, and used every chance he got to get me to dismantle and unravel even more. Diego constantly reminded me that what he was sharing was not philosophy this was life our life. Do we care about our life and the mess we are creating?


Chapter 13: Lost But Not Found and It Must Be This Way

Every-time I tried to talk about these things be it with my mom or friends or even followers, I got nothing but confusion and even upset from them. They just did not understand for example with my mom and followers, “Oh no, she would say, that is not true, we must always strive to be kind, loving, positive and good and we will one day have our rewards, things will eventually work out.”
“What the Fork are you kidding me? How long have we been doing that, thinking that way and where are we now? That’s what Diego always said to me. Where are we now? What’s this kind of thinking really doing for us? Its allowing the insanity to not only continue but to accelerate in every-ones mind and the worlds; and no one can see it, no one wants to see it, because they are too damned drunk and blind on hope. Ah now I see why Diego said hope is a drug a kind of dope for dopes. No one could see the harm danger and even insanity in hope. Its like that carrot dangling in front of our face that we can never catch the whole system is run this way and even when we do get that carrot its never what we think and somehow always ends being counterfeit, leaving us always empty, wanting more, it was never enough.
My brother that has been missing for 4 years now had this, which I like to refer to it as the hungry ghost syndrome. He was a rap-recording artist; his studio gave him everything, money, plenty of girls on the side just waiting to get at him. He had luxury, music videos with danny fernendez even flo rider was interested in working with my brother (I do not know who that is I just know he is a big name, I never was into my brothers kind of music but if your interested here are some links.)

My brother had everything even a beautiful kind girlfriend, but it was never enough, he even insisted his girlfriend get plastic surgery, and the more he got the more sad lost and mess he became. It was devastating to watch my brother self-destruct in this way. To the point he got in such serious trouble with the wrong people he had to disappear he had no other choice; he had not only endangered himself but the whole family.
I did talk to Diego about my missing brother named Forrest his show name is DY and he confirmed with me that he was not dead. He was hiding away, but was not able to say the location because Forrest did not want to be found. “He is not supposed to be found he is starting his life over again in humble means. Where he is a no body and I think he is happier this way.”
When I told my mom that Diego knew where Forrest was she was very skeptical but still wanted to know if he would tell her were Forrest was. She was worried that he was suffering somewhere like something bad had happened to him and he needed her but she did not know where he was. She did not like being in the unknown of it either which is understandable it’s a terrible thing for a person to experience. Someone who is missing, its not the same as a family member dying because at least you know they are dead. But when someone is missing you do not know if they are alive or dead happy or sad thus you do not know what to think or feel. Sometimes you even convince yourself they are dead and not coming back you prepare yourself for the worst and another time you scold yourself for thinking that; and you become optimistic thinking maybe it will be OK. Maybe they are fine, and you were worried for nothing, then you scold yourself for thinking that way to because what if you’re wrong? What if they are mad at you thinking you do not care for them? That’s why you’re not able to find them and on and on it goes. How cruel the mind is, its a vicious pendulum swinging to one extreme then the other. I know my mom still struggles in this way when she thinks of Forrest especially because he reminded her so much of dad. Even though the love of her life had passed away, she could still at least see him through Forrest, now he was gone to. It’s just too much for her, or any mother to endure, to lose 3 family members 2 children and a spouse, whom was her world. I watched her for many years struggling with this and I struggled to not just for my own connection to them but also because of how much it affected my mom and my youngest brother. To watch what was left of my family suffer because of their loses. I just did not want to be that way. I did not want to suffer because of something that happened to me. I preferred to think of it like a movie, a memory, a past life. What is done is done, we have to move on not suspend our life because of what happened to us or let such things eat away at us till we lose our ability to think totally.
So there my mom was asking Diego to tell her if he really knew where Forrest was? “But why do you want to know?” he asked
“ I just must know, I’m his mother, he needs me, please I need to know if he is ok?” “But what if he does not want to be found?” Diego asked
“Then I will leave him be, I will pretend like I never found him.”
“ That’s not true, he said, you see him as your baby, and yours so you will do what you can to convince him to come back; that you need each other. This is not because you miss the person, but your idea of him, you miss the memory and what it represents to you.”
“ Please, she begged.
Diego then said, “If he does not want to be found then it’s not fair to go in and remind him of the past. The old life and all the things he wanted to get away from. He has a right to a new life with out the past. He is not the past anyway, and neither are you, but yet you insist to live and stay there and recreate it, this is your limbo. Are you sure that is what you want? The past the known, a small fragment of what you think life is because it’s all you can remember? Are you sure you want to spend eternity in a memory, is that really life?”
Then Diego took out a pen and paper and drew the place where Forrest was down to the detail, a small gas station, some little van sticking out of the sand, and the colors of the buildings the plants that Forrest passed by the most. But the pictures he drew, had no signs or addresses, there was nothing to indicate where exactly it was. All he would say was that he was somewhere in the north of Mexico. This somehow seemed to be enough for her, to comfort her, she took the picture quietly and never said another thing about it to Diego.
(There is a lot more to share about my brother his disappearance and my ex boyfriend as It was because of my brothers disappearance that I felt like I was stuck with my ex but I will share this later in a future blog.)


Chapter 14: Tending to Your Own Flame in a Relationship

This is a mini blog that I wrote for facebook- its my first attempt at trying to explain my own personal experience of what I learned about being in a relationship with Diego. I read this out loud to my mom, she found it interesting and intelligent but did not understand it one bit. Sigh back to the drawing board with trying to get my mom to understand.
This chapter is also a video so if you want a break from reading or if you want to follow along with me as I read out loud this 3 part playlist on youtube 

your more then welcome to. ☺ This video and post got so much good feedback, as this video ended up helping many people, it was my first attempt to explain to people more about what my relationship with Diego was really like. I was not able to go into the really deep stuff just yet but I made an attempt to at least scratch the surface while still in confusion.

On valentines Day my mom came over for a visit, and I made another attempt to explain to her about my relationship with Diego. As it’s a bit strange for a parent to understand when one is coming from the old school. She never witnessed any romance from us or saw us grabbing each other all the time like one usually sees to indicate they are together. Of course my mom just wants to know when will we get married & have kids & is he the right man to do this with? If he always talks about freedom & no expectations in a relationship how do you know you can trust him? Freedom to her & to most others in a relationship means free love screw who ever you want. Especially when I told her we do not believe in marriage, which is some invention, a contract & often a trap. This worried my mother she thought well how do I know he is serious about you, if he does not make a commitment & how can that guarantee that he can be trusted jess to not be free to go off with someone else? I tried to explain to her because we both are free & have no expectations it actually makes us want to be closer together, where as marriage sometimes indicates just the opposite which mostly tends to leads to infidelity as one often feels trapped and suffocated in a marriage.
But we even like to go deeper then that, if we are not satisfied with what we have & ok with our own cultivation of our own inner garden then the need for something new and exciting becomes important; be it a new car, a new spiritual practice & yes even a new partner. When I asked Diego about infidelity myself when I was considering him as a potential partner for me, he said if I have a car and I am driving down the road in it and I see another car on the side of the road what is the purpose to get out of my car & go in that one? It sounds crazy yet we do it all the time. So what happens exactly when the desire for something new becomes important? If we do not know ourselves how can we really know our partner? When it seems to us we only know not our partner but our idea of the partner & the idea of how a relationship should be & your partner thinks & does the same thing, then there is your idea of yourself and your partners idea of themself; this is where all the fights and confusion comes from, 6 different ideas/expectations conflicting which each other and non of them are the truth.
It’s the same when being a public figure people say they love you but not the real you they actually love their idea of you. When you do something to challenge their idea they suddenly get upset with you saying you changed & such. So what can we do about this? First of all being aware of it helps & being able to notice a thought you have about your partner or idea of a relationship, inquiring to yourself be it actually true or something invented? If your not sure asking your partner is a good idea. Take my relationship with Diego for example; I had so many ideas about a relationship how it was to go & how it was to be.
My examples & role models growing up where good & healthy ones or so I thought; yet when dad passed my mom struggled being on her own suddenly she was struggling & suffering with the feelings of loneliness & this is what is considered romantic & normal in this world. My mother was always encouraging dad doing everything she could for him he was her world (this is what I call tending to his flame. tending to the flame also means to give love or the idea of love to your partner if you tend to their flame to tend to your flame is to give yourself love.) & he did the same for her (tended to her flame) & that’s how most think a relationships is supposed to be. (Note- love is not the right word it would be better to say care instead.) So that was my reference point & I started to do the same with Diego. Picture Diego & I sitting across from each other; we are separated, by two campfires, one in front of him & one in front of me. I started to put all I could find in his fire & I watched him put what ever he had into his fire to. I kept waiting for him to put something in my fire but he never did & I started to get upset saying you don’t really care about me, or even notice all I do for you, do you know how many who would love to be with me & appreciate me eager to tend to my flame? (Someone new suddenly became the solution/manipulation tool in my mind if we are not getting the expected drug from one person we can get it from someone else.) For example if I wanted to go swimming in the ocean, he did not and so I went on my own to swim feeling lonely, why do we feel lonely when we are in a relationship, or surrounded by people? I thought when your in a relationship you do everything together like my mom and dad did. When I shared this with Diego how I felt he said but I was with you in the ocean I am the ocean immersing you challenging you to go deeper into yourself and your idea of how a relationship is supposed to be. Of course I got annoyed by this I did not want poetry & riddles I wanted him by my side physically damn it because I so wanted to look like a normal couple to my mom, my friends & strangers. After all what ever he wanted to do I wanted to do it to, to be there, experience it with him, appreciate it like he does. So why was he not the same when I wanted to do what I wanted to do? You do not see what’s important or care about my flame I whined, look my flame is dying, this relationship is one sided.
All of these were ideas I had & I took them personally & made myself believe they were true & were happening in every moment looking for proof of this every chance I got, which made me very upset. And what did he do he continued to feed his own flame peacefully not deterred at all & I still grudgingly fed his flame to but I would blow up in anger randomly every now & then; any little thing could set me off. Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? Can you see how you see when you & others have done the same?
When I brought up all the things I did for him, hoping he would notice them, or give me some attention for them, or change to do things how I wanted it to be, or have him change to better suite me… he would depending on what my energy and intent was when I said something would say ‘boring’ walk away or he would bring up all the things he did for me that I was not aware of that I was negligent with and he had no expectation no desire for attention or approval for it, he was just being unconditional to me. If you tend to my flame then its conditional, then what’s the relationship based on? Expectation, which leads to control & manipulation, which leads to you trying to change me but I never once did this to you & you always say jess how you respect me, understand me & do not want to change me yet you do just the opposite unconsciously rather then get mad when I say this cause you do not like that you do this try to understand why you do this. Is this really what you want in a relationship? You experienced that in the last one & you escaped that, but it has become your comfort your known & you want to recreate that same pattern in me/ with me & make me like him but I will not do it. Can you not see how you’re confusing your past with the present moment in this way? I will not let you or anyone take my peace ever. Nor will I use these tactics to change you into my idea of you as I have no idea of you, I see only the real you and that’s what I want, not all your conditions, ideas beliefs and expectations. So you should be aware jess how and why you’re doing this unconsciously to me. The truth is you love your pain, your drama and you love to fight realize it if you want to get past it. You Jess say you think your stupid but your not, the only stupid thing about you is that you think your stupid. You try to be the perfect partner but I do not want your perfection I want you. Then he would always say in a cryptic way anyway I’m not real I’m just a projection of your mind and I’m not important. And by the way I never once asked you to feed my flame that’s not romantic or love to me. I would rather you feed & tend to your own flame, other wise if you continue to feed my flame & I start to feed yours then when one of us goes away we will become a mess because we will not know how to tend to our own flames like your mother is still struggling with, we will only know how to tend to someone else’s flame & we will always be waiting for someone else to take care of our flame rather then doing it for ourselves. It’s the same as give a man a fish he eats for a day teach a man to fish or a person to tend their flame they can care on themselves, another, & all life for life; with or with out a partner. Then we are no longer in a co-dependent relationship, you do not need me & I do not need you, we just choose to be together existing side by side, in this way we have a balance, harmonious and virus free co-creational relationship.
I have to admit after hearing this it took me a bit to break my pattern/ addiction of doing what I thought was the right thing perfect girlfriend thing to do & get used to feeding my own flame & stop feeding his. After that talk I forgot this numerous times to tend to my own flame & went back to feeding his flame, & I got upset still as I felt myself fighting the new changes, ideas of a relationship. I would get upset with myself thinking I was stupid ugly person I did not like the idea that I could not do this and all the hidden things coming out of me as when ever I thought like this then I would feel the need to self punish myself and say stupid things like I’m not good enough for you your wrong about me. This is the real challenge to not judge your self when your observing yourself in this state only thing is its hard to have control or realize what your doing until after. I would also often start to rebel where I would refuse to feed his flame & even my flame thinking it would teach him a lesson & he’ll be sorry but it was another form of manipulation this self punishment tactic that I was doing to get attention, sympathy & approval to feed some idea & insecurity.(I am not religious but it seems to me I was unconsciously playing out our idea of god & how we think he is, because the book told us so, how we feel the need to judge and punish ourselves and even others sometimes like we are told our god does to us. I am constantly amazing how I am influenced by these beliefs that are not mine, but still have some hold on me with out ever paying attention to it.)So when a person is talking how much of it is it really them, that is talking, and how much of it is their brain washing, conditioned beliefs, confusions, frustrations, insecurity & fears talking?)
Diego never gave in, never caved & never comforted me when I was like this. He instead just made me aware of what I was doing & challenged me as to why I was doing this and to go deeper to go beyond when I got upset why did I get upset? He never resented or judged me for it which was another idea/lie I convinced myself was true that he was doing, as most would and do, nope that’s not the real you he would say. Let me take of all the fake layers of you, I want you to see what is not you and what really is you, but you have to be brave enough to go to the depth of your being, even if you protest struggle and panic saying this is not natural we need air its been too long, there is too much pressure I’m started to crack come lets go back up just for a bit, I’m too scared to get to know the real me so I hide. Will the real you please stand up. When our partner does not do want we want giving us the drug that we want how we want it then we make them into our enemy (its kind of funny to think how we go from having imaginary friends when we are kids to imaginary enemies when we are adults). When one partners flame goes out then that is the breaking point in the relationship that’s usually when it ends (this is why most woman say I give and I give and I have nothing left to give him any more) & that’s when the other partner gets desperate and tries to share their flame but that just results it their flame getting weaker and dying as well this is when the bitterness happens in the relationship where suddenly revenge & blaming becomes important. Its not our fault we have been conditioned with this basic program for so long school, religion, job, family & relationships the same pattern over and over which is telling some authority figure outside of us or some god/deities what we think they want to hear & what we think they want us to do in order to get some approval, justification, understanding & confirmation that were a good person. But we think we have made changes that we have convinced ourselves that we are making progress that we are growing & doing something new, after all we are in a different relationship with different faces, yet its the same story, same struggling, same suffering same problems. And the worst part of all about this is we have conditioned ourselves to believe that this is normal this is how a relationship is to be and this is life. We accept this so we do not bother to inquire further or beyond & so we become passive & comfortably numb & fight anyone that tries to tell us that this is not normal.
(That being said since sex and the pursuit of money is a major obstruction, distraction and manipulation tool in a relationship we have chosen to put that on the bottom of our priority list where with most couples its at the top of the list. Diego says its a distraction because there are many couples now that just have nothing to say to each other and rather then face the issue they just have sex to escape it. We both want to think about these things not be addicted and owned by this element in life, we are so much more then our illusions and our bodies.)
It was hard because, I cannot hide my emotions & damn it my mom is here; she knows when her daughter is upset. It’s hard for her to understand what was going on, as a mother does not want to see her baby girl crying in a relationship. She wants to see her child happy & if a mother sees tears she immediately thinks it’s the other partner & this is not healthy thus she gets the idea & confirmation that the relationship needs to end. But I knew deep down what I needed & what was going on, and I gave Diego permission to help me get there & realize that to just give up & leave was not an option. I did not want to go back and live my life the same way with the same blocks & issues. What kind of life was that? It was hard I drained Diego with this and it took him days to recover, it would often make him sick, me as well & Diego kept saying I have never had this happen to me before in a relationship. I wondered if peace was the most important thing to Diego why would he subject himself to this drama with me surly he foresaw all this coming out of me when we first met and I wondered did he do this with all his girlfriends? If he never had drama in his relationships what were they like? Was he telling the truth don’t all relationships have drama? I became very curious about his ex girlfriends and started to contact them most every ex girlfriend was on good terms with Diego so it was very easy and they were very helpful. I wanted to understand their experience and perspective of being in a relationship with him and how they were able to have a relationship with out drama. They also answered my question as to why he was subjecting himself to this with me, one said, you love people because of their potential right? Well Diego is very curious about your potential even excited about it and he knows that you can do this that you can figure this out and transcend it and perhaps even be willing to be a public example of it. Is that not what you have always wanted? Can you imagine how well you would be able to do that with out fear and confusion always being in the way? Diego knows that’s a hidden dream of yours. He is just helping you help yourself to make that happen. Knowing that’s the case jess are you still mad him? After my many meltdown that happened every few days then went to a every few weeks to once a month we were both exhausted but we did not give up. I knew that this was hard, but I had to do it nothing was more important then doing this how could I go back to living my old life with now being aware of these destructive patterns lurking in me? I had to figure this out I had to learn how to be aware of & dismantle my stupidity once & for all I had to be aware that I like everyone was a secret internal masochist in love with our pain our confusion our struggling our prison and how and why we fight so hard to protect it. We have to acknowledge it admit it observe it and understand it so as not to be at the mercy of this part of ourselves. (Others get offended when Diego says someone or something is stupid but his definition of stupidity is lack of self observation he was not saying I was stupid but my/ our conditionings and ideas that are stupid.)
I am grateful that Diego was smarter then all this, that he was able to not take it all so seriously, which I eventually learned how to do; oh its just my mind playing tricks on me so I can either react to its stories or not care or get carried away by the wave instead to surf the internal waves with grace and softness. But what i found which worked the best was the more i did not want to fight and have a melt down the more it happened so i realized my attitude towards my reactions was what i was really struggling with, you can not control your emotions and thoughts the more you try look out but you can understand them and see when you are accumulating little bombs and you can dismantle them before they go off one at a time so as not to have a big blast. This part of us is not our enemy it can be our friend. With that I have learned to be able to see what Diego sees well not totally but I’m on my way, beyond it to the bigger picture. It took me many months but I was finally able to catch myself in my patterns to feed my own flame & to be ok with that, while being along side him, as he feeds his own flame & I feed mine. My flame is getting bigger & stronger every day.
I realized why I was so happy before, my project Camelot interview it was not because I needed approval, or even got it for what I was doing. I did not do anything for anyone else but myself because it made me come to life, no one can make us come to life, but ourselves. If your own flame is built up strong like your partners, then the need for something & someone new is just not there, as we are content with our life what we have & are most important content with ourselves feeling no longer restless and anxious looking for excuses to justify our un-integral behavior. This is the sad thing that happens in the world today, the need for something new, bigger & better is what has destroyed this planet, and taken almost all of the trees, & its the reason that many animals & humans, are suffering unnecessarily. All because we can not see our inner patterns or question them so as to stop them, or inquire what is sleeping behind these patterns, in order to stop feeding the insanity of a world unconsciously obsessed with destroying the planet & ourselves and when we do that and we do not want to admit it, go deeper or look at ourselves honestly then the need to wear masks becomes important.
So with my flame getting stronger everyday along side his, peace in the house is here & undisturbed and co- creation in a relationship is clearer of how life can be with out fights, fear and misunderstandings.
Which is nice as its a lot better then it was before within me but there is still some more things in the way that i have yet to figure out of course I will keep you all posted. This is why I felt compared to share this so others can maybe learn to do the same but I understand my writing is not always easy to understand either and my story and me being an example is just not enough though. That’s also why I share Diego’s post regardless of all the harsh responses we get, it tells me right away were they are at I can relate I was there to with Diego’s content, though in this way i can witness their own process how long it takes for them to get it, which phase they are going through in their own dismantling journey and so forth: argue, fight, challenge, cry, play victim games, play know it all you have it all together games, get depressed, attack self, get exhausted, surrender, observe inside, do the work inside, understand, go deeper, go beyond etc. Many may not like what we are sharing but that’s ok we are not doing this to get more followers or to be liked or make money, we are doing this so the children of this world do not have to be subjected to the same insanity that we are all subjected to. I hope this post has been able to help you in some way as it has helped me just to write it. –This is Diego’s response to this mini blog was this video he made for me when I was busy in something else


Chapter 15: Frustrations

A week or so later my mom found these puppies and decided to carry all 3 of them to our house to show Diego and play with them. It really is something to watch Diego interact and play with dogs. One night my mom brought them over when Diego was out I did not go with him because I was not feeling up to it due to some stupid argument with Diego that was most likely trying to defend my conditioning and pride. My mom asked me if I could babysit the puppies over night for her friends, as she could not do it at her place. I said yes with out telling Diego but I thought he would not mind. I first put them in our jungle bathroom but they cried too much so I moved them upstairs with me they were too young and too fat to go down the stairs anyway. I ended up falling asleep before Diego got home, I exhausted myself from all the tears, and the puppies were sleeping under the bed. The next morning Diego woke up to the sound of shuffling and he reached his arm and grabbed both of them and put them on the bed and played with them, as if he knew they were there all along somehow, maybe Diego smelled them. One of the pups got excited and peed on the bed. I got nervous right away as my ex boyfriend would have freaked out because of something like that so I thought Diego would as well and so I got all nervous and uptight again over a simple stupid idea that was not even true and just when it seemed like the puppies had almost helped to clear that awkward energy. But it did not work because I was still upset and was not yet able to let go of it yet.
There was just an accumulation of so many things such as when I wanted to share with him a poem that came to me, to bounce off some of my ideas and thoughts. He stopped me right away saying that there was stuff behind me wanting to share the poem, its confusion and consensus. What the hell, I am not aware of this its not fare. I do not know and you do. How am I supposed to know if what I am saying is confusion and such? This is so frustrating should I not speak at all then? So I just started to sensor myself because of fear. I always took it like I was doing something wrong and that I was too stupid to understand and see what he was saying. I was also afraid to even say the L word around him, who knows maybe more invisible jellyfish would come and get me? What the heck, this is supposed to be the end of fear and I am full of fears. I found I was afraid of strange things, I never thought I would be afraid of; it really surprised me. This is just awful. Why does he always show me what I mess I am? But in truth he never did it in a blaming kind of way, or a patronizing way I decoded it that way. So many experiences and thoughts could have been interpreted in so many different ways but I always seemed to choose self commiseration. The same tired patterns kept on coming up.
My birthday is another good example; birthdays to me have always been annoying and inconvenient. I am not a holiday person at all and always wondered why the heck we celebrate the same damn things every year? Celebrating time, celebrating our fear, our limbo. It’s so boring why can’t we invent new holidays? Why not borrow holidays from other countries? At least I like how in Bali commercial holidays are not in your face here. When its christmass you cannot tell as there is no sign of it anywhere.
And birthdays I really do not like having to think about what others should get me when they asked or felt obliged just because its what everyone does.
And when its other people’s birthdays I disliked this obligation to get something because someone is expecting it all because they exited the vagina that day and managed to still live, well congratulations. Not just that it’s a celebration of psychological perceived time which is a total hoax and its also fear which is like celebrating the birth of our prison and nurturing confirming our fears; It just made no sense to me. If I wanted to get someone something I would get it not on their birthday but on any day but their birthday it would have to be random and spontaneous of I saw something and it reminded me of someone. I liked doing things that were least expected. So on my birthday I decided to get Diego a gift instead and his happiness would be my gift. I knew he liked teddy bears so I decided to get him a teddy bear. But damn it Diego is so telepathic, so many think this is cool, to me its not cool at all its more down right annoying because I love to surprise people but Diego is impossible to surprise. He always suspected and then just read my mind, there is nothing I can hide from him, but I still always try. I would get so upset about this because I was looking forward to surprising him and throwing him off a bit I was only able to do this once with him and it was over something really silly regarding a tomato but I will share that another time maybe.
I perceived him upset with the teddy bear that he did not like it. That it was not OK to surprise him; that maybe there was some confusion and consensus behind this gift as well? I kept making Diego into an authority figure of fear in my head. As I kept trying to shape myself in what I thought Diego wanted and what I thought was perfect. Diego was always trying to dismantle this kind of thinking from me.
But when I convinced myself that he did not like it or that I did wrong again I got really sad again and angry at my conditioning feeling like I will never get it. That it’s so easy for Diego to get it, but not me; there must be something wrong with me. I must be really stupid. But in truth it is not easy for Diego either because he has to live with people who are upset with him because its easy for him but not for others and thus can easily be made into a freak all the time. It’s the story of his life and he just does not care.

When I started to share Diego’s Facebook posts I felt shy about mentioning we were together because of ex finding out. I really did not want more trouble from him. I was always cautious about being low key and doing my best to keep my ex appeased so as not to feel more of his wrath. But maybe that is what was needed for him to know I am now seeing someone so back off and let me go. And all the manipulation games to he had one too many chains on me. Somehow I would break them, good thing I had Diego to help me with this, as I did not know how to do this on my own. In the mean time there was much I had to do and go through first in order to break those chains more on that later.

My writing and approach also changed drastically Diego did not ask me to share any of this or for him it was me I just felt strongly compelled to share and try to get others to understand something important? But how could I do that if I did not fully understand or know how to talk about this stuff?
Diego also was so hard to understand, it never seemed like he was talking to me directly he always spoke in generalizations. Yes but what do you have to say about me? I would always say to him. Why did it seem like he was always speaking to so many others while he was talking especially to me? As if we were being watched and listened to the whole time, or that I had millions listening through me, not necessarily just humans. I really wanted to understand this as well, why did he do this and whom was he talking to? Why did he always seem so far away? Why did it feel like I had to share Diego with so many things from trees to dogs thunder, his art, bacteria, mushrooms, planets he had so many private relationships that I wanted to be a part of. I also was tired of speaking to people about Diego who really did not know Diego very well and always responded because of their past conditioning. I really wanted to talk to someone who knew Diego, who understood him. So I made an effort to get in touch with one of his previous girlfriends that would understand my situation and be able to give me some advice.


Chapter 16: A Letter from Adnil

His ex whom I will call Adnil, was actually the only girl in Diego’s life that I felt some jealousy towards. She and him seemed to understand each other so well. She seemed to be less confused then me. They pretty much are in communication everyday, she understands his posts and pictures better then me and I really did not like this. I often compared myself to her always thinking that things were easier for him when they were together. Of course all these assumptions I had with never meeting her or knowing really how their relationship was, but that did not stop my mind from fabricated these ideas and stories. I was always so curious about her and at first Adnil and I could talk just fine, but then she started to sense how confused I was and became repelled. I just wanted to get to know her better, but she just pushed me away. I wanted to also get to know her as I knew we were to somehow work together in the future Trine to. She was also close to Trine, and I wanted to be included in their circle, to better understand what linked us all together, and to know what our connection really was.
I gave up though, trying to communicate with Adnil, since she did not want to communicate with me and pretty much ignored every message I sent her, yet she always responded to everything Diego sent her.
When I asked Diego about her and what he suggests I do? He said that, it is hard for her to. That they were together 24/7, for 6 years, no wonder I thought, that must take some adjusting and getting used to now that he is not physically in her life. Yet if she was jealousy or struggling because I was now with him, I was kind of surprised surely after 6 years she would have been beyond this and dismantled such thinking by now. Especially that, Diego even told me how he one time had another previous girl friend of his come and visit him and Adnil and the both got along fine, they even became friends.
Though It also made me curious about what life after Diego must be like. How it was for them? It was just another reason to connect with the girls who know Diego best.

I really cannot say what is going on in her head but what I can share is this really amazing letter she sent me early on that really helped me to understand Diego better and his many private relationships. She was also helpful in addressing my fear of ruining our relationship and all my concerns to. Its sad cause I would really like to still be friends with her but as it is right now I just do not know where we stand. It is also very interesting to get a window into her mind, its very refreshing, as to how she sees and interprets things. I feel that others may also find it interesting as well. I see it as another piece to the puzzle that is Diego and what it looks like to be able to think in a more expanded way after 6 years of dismantling.
Here is the letter. (I did not edit it, because I see it as a beautiful art peace just as is mistakes and all. There is great perfection in our imperfection.)

Yes when I say that when you have a relationship with him your also having a relationship with many.. I mean.. you have a relationship with the many of him.. and also with the many behind and beyond him, that have a relationship with him as well (with that I don’t mean just people .. I mean planets, constellations, frequencies and other possible life beings…., this level believe me is just the surface).. and that it’s happening as well with you.. and with everyone of those who are not simply people (observers/thinkers) ….
indeed i can tell you… I mean probably you can feel it, I actually don’t feel anything different in the relationship with him even if now he is living with someone else and I’m here thousands kms far away, i never felt a change or something different.. of course things evolve, just because things evolve doesn’t mean that they change in an ending or starting way.. but it’s always a continuation.. like a metamorphosis … but this kind of metamorphosis it’s something you can only perceive and live.. there is nothing to translate.. no names…. for this I tell you: there is no time for humankind relationships anymore….and I mean that for us .. for the beings like me and you.. and him and all those that are not people as well (the observers) ….
and SHE (Azropia) is in the between of all this….
don’t give names… don’t expect…. don’t worry…. when you worry about something it is just because your brain doesn’t understand the relation between you.. your feelings.. and what you are living on an emotional imagination sense …that it is your true reality , the brain wants always to make sense of things.. give an aim.. and a base… to make this reality that you suspect as fictitious as something real….
the heart can ‘t focus on a thing, on a person.. or a place etc…. it’s not possible…
for this reason people suffer so much.. because of their habits since a millennium and also from their childhood-school-family-friends. We were constantly taught to compare, give rules, sense, aims.. order -steps to what they feel ..,to focus all their imagination and emotion just to one thing-person-place -job or whatever….
therefore they rule their heart… but the heart doesn’t have any rule!
just make a favor to yourself: DON’T CARE!…. feel.. deeply live.. and be able at the same time to leave…
there is nothing to ruin….if you are worry to ruin.. that means that you make doubts to what you are living on an emotional-imaginary sense.. because you transpose what you live on an emotional level on the comparison you do with the rest around you.. and therefore with the rules – order around you .. external…. , JUST DON’T CARE!… people judge such a relationship… (and they do it mostly on an surface level because they are habit to see things just on that way) , it’s not your problem to explain them your feelings… and to convince them about the level communication you heart is grasping…
JUST DON’T CARE! go on with your earth-heart .. wherever it will bring you, just in that way you will be able to dismantle everything that is not you…. facing your deep fears and what you feel as pain situations-circumstances.. you will be able to see where you really are.. and you will really live what you really are…
if you are worried to ruin something, you are giving your energy to the parasite of the attachment… to an idea.. that means that you are building expectation in the relationship you are living , therefore you no longer are living a relationship , but just an idea…. ; we do that every moment.. that it is not bad or good.. it is just what it is according to our biological computer machine, the thing that you have to do it is just observe the movements you are living within whatever relation you have.. that mostly it is the relation you have with yourself… all the rest around is just a pretest of the game .. don’t identify with the game …. live it deeply to be able to leave it deeply ….
I know also what you mean when you say “i am new to relationships in general and really do not know anything about it just what i hear from others”; because actually I’m new to whatever other people call and identify as a relationship… what does it mean to be in a relation with someone?.. a couple???!!! what is a couple if not something as a structure – order – sense – name given to what we feel? …. , so you need to have a name for what you feel for a tree or a forest?… do you need to be always together with that tree physically to be close to that tree, to let him know that you are in relation with them? ( I still mean with the tree,, and with the forest …) ; well … so with an other life being is the same!…..
don’t compare… don’t listen the external… just observe it… ; the relation you are living is before with you … so from there are coming information’s you need about a relation with whatever it is.. (the universe in the whole)… ; don’t listen the other’s information’s… listen to your own…. , and if you feel pain coming from you toward certain kind of situations.. just face those situations-pain, and listen what is coming from those…. use them .. you will see yourself react-behave in ways that you only suspected about yourself before, and you always wanted .. but to which you were always resisting to … even if you were attracted by them….
i know exactly what are you living Jessy, for this reason I wanted to know about the flow after one week from the last message …. because the flows are so strong and deep , and at the same time can change from one to an other in a moments times.. not really in what we consider as official time… Psychological time is nothing more then a thought ; so in one week indeed can pass through thought ages….. light years*(jumps*)
so I’m here whenever you feel like…. there is no thanks possible .. i’m living with you* as well ….
, dismantle the pressure we have been in since millennium educated-habit we give to it then we can be free…

Chapter 17: Dismantling This Concept of Love

(This is a continuation from, What if Love is Not the Final Destination?)
Love is indeed blind and makes you stupid, no one can argue about that, but many still try to romanticize love and how they think it should be compared to how it actually is, which always gets in the way and is a weapon of mass confusion. Our idea of love and what we experience is not the same thing, it is not love, and we can have grief by that realization alone. To see love not go how we thought it should be. We think what’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with others? Why can’t we make it work? I myself and many others have experienced lack of clarity while going through the early stages of euphoric love phase.
Its nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to understand and inquire more into. What exactly is going on there? How is it that we can keep making excuses for this? To keep on letting it happen only to be confused and frustrated about it again later? We are constantly told that love is the most important thing. Everyone is seeking for love, writing and reading about it, trying to be their idea of love. You would think after all this time of perusing and caring so much about love that we would be in a more loving and peaceful world? Yet here we are experiencing just the opposite of love, why is that?
We are told either consciously unconsciously or subliminally to think about love and so many experiences this but this is not actually love. The thought of love and acting out our idea of love is not love. Its like a counterfeit version of love we are sold and we fall for it. We fall for that concept of love, and we fall in and out of love. We do not raise up, or become more clear, or become more intelligent from love. No we can do the same messy idea of love over and over again with out learning a thing. We do this because we fall into fear, so afraid to have the same experience or something we witnessed or heard about from others and so we have just that happen to us. We always get what we do not want, after our love experiences.
It should be red flagged this saying, ‘to follow our heart.’ How many people can say they followed their heart and it had led to a mess? Be it that they ended up in a relationship that went sour or boring, or abusive, or with a belief a faith that made us totally lose ourselves. ‘Following our heart’ is indeed not the solution, nor does it make us wiser to help us prevent ourselves from walking in the same trap.
It does not help our intelligence or ourselves to be aware of our patterns it instead tends to makes us negligent. It does not matter if it’s a love between a romantic partner our family members our children or with some divine deity or even with ourselves. If we are honest enough with ourselves we can see the negligence that comes from and out of our attempts to love.
Then there are the mantras and affirmations we are constantly told to say and think such as: ‘I love myself, I love myself, I love myself,’ as we continue to sabotage ourselves with our thoughts and actions. It does not matter how many times we say and force ourselves to think that thought it still does not make us understand what we are doing and violence behind saying words like that.
There are so many new agers drunk on love, light and bliss.
I know I have been there and fell for that to. Talking about love feeling the love, but still utterly confused and a mess our life is as we fall into one situation/trap after another. Its fake, its forced and controlled kind of love and that’s disturbing to me. I do not understand why it is so hard for others to see this? Is it that they cannot see it or do they not want to see it, but it’s understandable who wants to see this?

I myself really had a hard time with this to. It was not just a challenge to stop feeding these loving ideas towards Diego; but even more so to myself. I had been giving and sending love to myself for so long. I was good at it, being loving and kind to myself by reading spiritual books and just feeling blissed out afterwards. I was well aware how upset I would get if too much time would go by with out watching or thinking of something inspiring and uplifting. It was hard for me to realize that it was not, love and even harder to stop myself with this habit to be loving with myself because it did not give me any understanding and I saw when I did not give myself the old expected feelings and thoughts that my mind turned on me and became harsh. I was my own drug dealer and it was appalling to witness first what was behind those loving positive thoughts when I refused to give myself the drugs.
Wow is that love or some ultimatum trap contract I signed within my mind that I was not aware of?
Be loving with yourself or else. Be loving with yourself or you will have to think and face things you do not want to and see sides of yourself you rather pretend are not there. Not only that I realized all those years talking with people I gave them the same advice. I always felt my secret was that I knew how to be loving, kind and gentle with myself. So I tried to help others to do the same and now I could see I was just telling them to drug themselves with an idea of how we would like to be rather then fully think and be aware the harm from doing such a thing. This realization made me sick to my stomach.

Anyway we always have our relationships when we think we are in love start off so awesome, we are willing to vow our whole life to that person or our picture of that person. Thinking that the feeling will always be there, that this time we got it right with the person we found, I did this with Diego. But he was well aware of the pattern and phases from the very beginning, he knew exactly what was going on and what would happen. He would let me go through with my idea of love, but he would not partake or feed it in anyway, he was also not at all interested in the fluffy feelings in the beginning of a/our relationship. It’s just special effects to him and he wanted me to see that and understand the process of what really happens. How it works, using myself who always wants to be an example to the world, as now an example for this whether I like it or not. I have to share it as best and as honest as I can, because it’s the only thing I feel I really know how to do. I cannot stand the idea of not being honest with myself and with others because after all we have to live with ourselves 24/7 no one else has to live with ourselves more then ourselves. It’s strange that we care more what others think of us rather then how to think and co-exist with the inner complexities of our mind. Its wise to make inside ourselves a pleasant home rather then something we always want to escape, but it can not be fake, no positivity and striving to be happy and in the love vibe. How can it be real if it enables us to think and causes so much paradoxical violence all because we want to be in this state all the time?
I no longer think we are meant to be loving or happy all the time. No animal is happy all the time, they do not play favorites with emotions they have all those moods but they do not care to dwell on any of them. Happiness and love is a belief system because they both have an opposite and that opposite is what we strive to avoid but what we resist persists. So the more we try the less able we are to keep the desired state and tend to stay in its opposite or fly back and forth between the two that it feels like we have more then one personality. (Perhaps this is where the term crazy love comes from?)
We care so much about love and happiness but if we are thinking focusing and striving for it, then it will always be short lived and eventually are turned into a fake. So what is love then if everything we think it is, is a fake? We have to be brave enough to ask this question or forever stay in our ideas and hope and lies that we know what love is otherwise how can we ever experience the real version? We have to be brave enough to consider that since the world is such a mess and has been a mess for such a long time that perhaps we have never been in love with anyone or anything. That we perhaps have no idea what it is and have confused love for control, possession, lust, ideals and so on? So many think they know what love is and they think that is what life is all about, and the most important, so they focus on that alone and so they stay there in that state of mind. All the things we do in the name of love, or to have more love, to be more loving, is all in vain and because of that people all together miss the boat of understanding of what love really is. They never think to ask themselves that scary question, ‘What if Our Idea of Love is Not the Final Destination?’
Where is love in nature? Where is love in a galaxy? It seems neither of these care about love at all. Its just our human mind that sees everything through this filter which prevents us from totally understanding what life is all about, thus we are cut out from everything and stuck in our miserable self created hell limbos of the same crap over and over again.
It really disturbed me when I told Diego that I could see myself with Joakim that I had feelings for him and perhaps we would be a better match.
Diego just said, “if you think so then go with him, but do not be surprised if it does not work and you go off to profess your words of love and connection with someone else and then another and another, because you and all people do not love the person, the person is always interchangeable. What is really important to (you in general) is the love we have for those words, those thoughts, those feelings, those emotions, those ideals, which are all imitations; non of it came from us. We were not born with these ideas/ideals. So when you first told me you loved me this is what was really behind those words and let me tell you there is nothing beautiful or romantic about what is behind those words. This ‘I can not live with out you’ is more stupid religious thinking self sacrifice. ‘I am suffering because I no longer have the one I love in my life,’ that is not love that is selfishness and manipulation, control authority and thus it always leads to violence repression even abuse one way or another. If we say or think these words about the ones closest to us with out thinking really about what we are thinking and saying, then we have a problem and it is going to lead to more confusion more mess and further fueling the limbo of the worlds insanity.
To say something like ‘I love you’ and ‘I can not live with out you’ is actually offensive to me. It’s a classic example of someone not thinking and putting an idea over their intelligence.”
“ But I did not know. I said in my defense.
“Actually you did know about this Jess, we talked about this many times, but I guess you did not think I was serious about it, perhaps you just thought I said it because it sounded good.
Actual love is empathy, total understanding of one another, not our ideas of them but who they really are including all facets of them, and clear communication, in a totally psychologically free mind. When two minds come together in psychological freedom then that is real love. Where each other are able to co create each others psychological freedom. In which both people feel free to be themselves, by ‘themselves’ I do not mean the personality as that’s a hoax and invention that comes from our conditioning. A real relationship has no manipulation, compromise or tricky games, fear, or psychological dependency drugs that seems to be in every relationship now a days be it with a romantic partner or our children an animal or even with ourselves.
In total psychological freedom there is no wants, or needs, or desires, or attachments, and no sadness if and when the partner goes. There is no dependency, each one knows their happiness, does not rely on the other partner but them selves and they feed their flame first always. (More on this later see chapter “tending to your own flame in a relationship” in this blog.) There is no asking for more pleasure for true pleasure does not ask for more pleasure.
There is no change themselves for each other, nor is their sacrifice or forcing each other to do something they do not want to do. There is no control or manipulation and dramas. Love should actually be called empathy. When another animal helps another that is not love its empathy. This is where both can co create in balance peace and harmony.
Now I know this sounds so unrealistic but it is actually how it’s meant to be.
If your relationships are not like that first with your thoughts, emotions, intellect memories, perception, sensitivity first most likely the relationship you have with yourself is a fake one and with others as well, which is why we are so confused. I think we all suspect this which is why we get even more confused when it comes to love and we can’t help but wonder if we are doing it wrong, or we scared it will go away like we have seen so many times before. Or we blame ourselves thinking that j we are just not good enough and totally unworthy of love because of all the times we failed at this and so many others did as well.
How can we expect to have love work out for us if even the worlds smartest and most successful and attractive conscious people can not make love work for them, then what chance do we possible have? Not to mention all the dysfunctional relationships in the world, in our head, and in history so what are we missing? Somewhere near the root of love there is a huge virus of all these other ideas of how we need to be to make things work, the ideas interfere with what is, and this repeat pattern of historical dysfunction its rather strong. Let me put it another way we are trying to build our relationships from the top down rather then the bottom up. The foundation is faulty, why is it faulty? The tools we use to build are faulty to. What are the tools?; they are our ideas, beliefs conditioning, fear, confusion and security The ground is not deep enough, too many relationships are built on the surface based on the cover of the book, based on illusions based on wanting to be close with them rather then the actual person. Ok then where is all this pointing to?
It’s pointing to the original and first relationship and that is our relationship with our thoughts our emotions, imagination, our innocence our sensitivity and perception. If we do not understand these parts of us and how they co-relate and create illusions and what is, how it works, then we will always be lost living out our reflections rather then our totality of our mind. Like I was saying earlier we have to live with ourselves 24/7 and I think that is scary to us, we always want to escape this and busy ourselves in other things, others ideas, beliefs and views its somehow easier this way. Sure maybe in the beginning but not in the long run, especially when we find out we went nowhere just one big circle. Ok so what, just have a good relationship with ourselves is that all? No it’s not that simple because our idea of a good relationship with ourselves is mixed with the idea of spiritual and religious values ideas and other confusions/contradictions.
To me love is the biggest conditioning we must dismantle, its even more potent and then the religious beliefs but love combined with religion is lethal. Look at all the violent things we have done in the name of love for our partner, our family, our country and a god. Its not easy for a person to think that sending love and being loving is promoting violence, blindness and stupidity but this is something we are going to have to come to terms with sooner or later if we really wish to understand so as to evolve.
At first I wanted to just dismantle only certain beliefs the ones I did not like, I did not want to dismantle love, but as time went on I could see how if I left one belief then I was allowing them all as they were all connecting and holding each other together. I started to notice how I would desire love romance and affection such as cuddling and intimacy when I was in fear, or not wanting to think, when I was wanting a distraction so as to escape but Diego was always aware of this and thus he never gave me what I wanted or thought I needed.

For me the biggest thing to dismantle was not my unconscious religious beliefs, which to my shock and another disturbing realization that Diego pointed out to me that even though I claimed to not be religious and just because I always rejected it, that my thinking was still actually religious with out me even knowing it.
“Even atheists have religious thinking and they do not know It., he said. We really need to think about what we think before we speak and act. This was the thing I struggled the most dismantling with and that is my concepts of love, that ruled in my mind for so long like an authority figure the thought to end all thoughts, so as not to challenge myself to every question or think past it. I had the thoughts and feelings come up so many times with Diego where I wanted to say ‘I love you’ but I was too nervous to so I said it to myself ‘I love him so much’ it was almost compulsive like a mental turret syndrome repeating over and over in my head, beaming it to him through my eyes. To control these thoughts is not wise. After awhile I became no longer annoyed with these thoughts and feelings because as hard is it was to understand and see that they were fakes, I was glad to know. At least I now had an idea on where inside me to observe and understand. I have to push past all these ideas and feelings of love. I was so curious to know what was on the other side of it, to see what it really was really there. For so long I wanted to see like Diego and now that I was starting to I really did not like it. Just like how he said, “we think we want enlightenment and ascension but are we sure we will like it when we get it? What if it’s boring or not what we thought or wanted at all then what? We are stuck in this limbo of what we strived so many life times for, in which we shaped and forced all our thoughts to be servants for what we thought we wanted. Like so many things in our life when we strive for something and we get it, we often find its not what we wanted at all and it does not make that itch go away at all. It just makes it worse. We all know this, we all afraid to make a decision and commitment in life because of the fear of ‘what if I made the wrong decision and do not like it but its too late? Its happened so many times that doubt and discontent, hesitancy is there and we let it really affect us.
So my question is, if we know this then why can’t we think about this also for the existential thinking and goals we have like heaven and ascension love god etc? We really are not thinking about this or we do not want to because it is too damn scary. To think that if good intentions is not enough and often makes things worse then were are we really guiding ourselves with our thinking in this life, our species future, and the after life?
Now I could see why Diego said, “death is not an escape of our confusion, how it can continue on even after we die, just because our body is dead it does not mind our mind dies so if we are still confused we go into another limbo.
As hard as this was I had to think past this the best I could starting with the one that kept coming up which was love. I would always ask myself why do I love him really? Why do I need to say this and think this all the time? Is this me or my conditioning yet again? It was terrible because now that I was aware of it, it was not enough it even made my mind turn into a beast inside me. For it knew I was onto it and observing it, and it did not like being exposed. So my conditioning waited for me to forget to observe it, so it could send me thoughts like: He is not doing what you want. He does not care about you. He does not love you. He does not love you nor can not convert him to love, because your love is not strong enough after all. He just wants his way and blah blah my mind gave me never endings thoughts, reasons and illusions confusions to spin around in circles, to get upset so as to create reasons to fight and argue with Diego about. Of course Diego saw through it every-time and never judged me for this, but always managed to dump an ice cold water of psychological potency every time.
“This is the virus, he said, do you see how much infected you are with it? You call yourself a light worker that your all about love light and peace yet here you are fighting with yourself and with me. Why do you like to fight? Why do people love to talk about peace but really they secretly love to fight more? Which is why no matter how hard we strive for peace we will only get more dysfunctional relationships hurt and war.”
When I asked Diego about this he replied with. “Here are some sobering facts about love its not pleasant but we have to understand this if we really don’t want to be stuck in this limbo of confusion every time we strive for love and instead get pain back in return. This is a major conditioning for most people and is not pleasant to digest. Just when I asked Diego to go more gentle on me and love he went even more intense laying down the ugly facts one at a time.

Love limits the mind
Love is not intelligent
Time erodes love
Love is nothing but a memory
If one fully understands what love is then love will no longer be important and that’s a good thing.
If we put love first we will never understand.
Understanding is more important then love always.
Where there is love there is fear and can never be peace thus the saying ‘I wish you peace and love’ is an oxy moron.
So many say i love you with out understanding each other. Or I cannot live with out you. Most of the time this is said because of an unconscious need to control force abuse argue fight repress and trap others. only to find that we also do this to others all in the name of love as well, it’s a double edged sword.
Love equals violence.
To the point that to say those words is an insult and offense to our intelligence.
If we think with our memory/love then we are not a thinker and all of our future will become always our past because we are a slave to a memory an idea/ideal. Thus we will make our kids the result of our memories doomed to live the same life, forever repeating the pattern that we are seeing today in relationships and all the dysfunction and it just not working out for one reason or another.
There is no such thing as love, good, bad, god or even evil in nature, no animal cares or partakes in such things or ways of being it’s a mind invention by people, we use these ideals and beliefs to divide and destroy each other and the planet.

Love and our idea of love often creates a single memory that can shape our whole mind it often abduct our whole existence, and this is ridiculous, this is sad, and so limiting as it takes us further away from intelligence one day we will laugh at the things our species has done in the name of love then we will cry, then laugh again.

We will then know and say all i want now is to be the result of my free psychological intelligence
can we do that?
We must do that no matter how unpleasant it is.


It dawned on me pretty hard that as much I wanted to think I was in love with Diego, that it just was not true how could I be if I was confused? How can anyone have a real relationship if they are confused?
I could see that Diego and I really had no relationship right now because I was in a relationship with my confusion, and Diego was helping me to dismantle this so then we could experience a real relationship and actual love the one that exists from two totally unconditioned psychologically free minds. If I wanted to experience an actual real loving relationship that Diego talked about, I would have to continue forward with my dismantling process. I knew that having a real relationship with Diego should not be my main reason and indeed it wasn’t if it was it would get in the way of myself ever having psychosocial freedom. Which was easier said then done.
One time when I thought about loving Diego he said something that made my ears ring.
“This is not you, he would say, you were not born with these kind of thoughts. Do not ever use your idea of love as escape or a drug for this is how these feelings turn from warm and fuzzy to psychologically abusive traps. Never give up your intelligence of ability to think in the name of love, not for me not for a god not for anyone or anything as nothing is worth it. And non of them can get you out of the traps only your intelligence your ability to think can do that. Put your mind first and you will know what I am talking about.”
Wow now that is romantic, what this man is putting up with so I can understand so as to be able to have psychological freedom.

I would like to say that I stopped struggling with all my conditioned thinking and feelings then and there but that was not reality. My confusion refused to die and got even more intense looking for reasons to stay alive and defend itself. It was always acting like a firewall in my mind that I wanted to badly to see behind. I wanted the fights and wild goose chases to cease. But every-time I thought I got past this wall another wall of conditioning showed up it was the idea of love again but in a different package this time it was in a round object that I wore around my neck.



Chapter 18: Dismantling Anastasia Ringing Cedars Conditioning

I remember Diego asking me casually, “What is that thing you always wear around your neck? I have observed that you never take off.”
“Oh this is my ringing cedar pendant from the best books I ever read ‘The Anastasia’ books.
I like this pendant to because its just a piece of wood its nature, natural. Its not expensive bling jewelry it represents simplicity and my connection to nature; by wearing this I am an example for Anastasia. It is also used to help me find other like minds that have also read these books. It’s like a secret language belonging to a secret club people who have read these books and people who have not.

You know I mentioned the books before to your Russian neighbor. I was surprised she never heard of the books because they are huge and going to help the world. They inspired me so much and confirmed to me my mission. I saw I was not alone after reading them. That is how I found myself being a spiritual speaker, I wanted others to know they were not alone as well.”
“Oh really, Diego said, how so?”
“Yes, really, I said and I proceeded to tell him about the books and about Anastasia a girl that was found in the Siberian forest, that is so conscious that she could be in the dead of winter with no warm clothes, and not freeze. Wild animals tend to her every need like in my beloved fairy tales, she does not need anything at all, no house no fire, no utensils and yet she lives in harmony with all nature, connected with everything. She is also super intelligent as well and has solutions for everyone and everything and the way she explains things about the shift, and how we will awaken and change the world and how she is with the indigo and crystal children. The books have been tested in labs to see if people’s brains and heart changes from reading the books and it was found that people did indeed change from them. (Ah so much confusion still from me at that time sigh.) I kept trying to give Diego examples of things I read about her that would inspire and impress him but none of it did. He just said, “but how is that helping really? Are you sure she is doing all those things you say? Or did you just convince yourself of that because you want so bad for it to be true, because you want hope and something/someone to believe in?”
“No Diego It really is true, trust me it is the movement, the awakening, and it’s huge and I’m just not good at explaining it, let me read the books to you instead? (it is funny even though we talked about the shift and I agreed with what he shared I never connected it to Anastasia as I was still so into her and did not think this was the same thing that Diego was always trying to get at.)
I love to read out loud to people if I know they will enjoy it and get as much out of it as I did. You Diego remind me so much of her. So many things you say are in alignment with her. Such as how we must not disturb our thoughts and think deeply and thoroughly. Your understanding and connection with nature is similar to her as well. Also you both have a good idea of history and technology and the masses mind sets with out reading anything. You remind me so much of Anastasia in this relationship. I see you as her and I am Vladimir. But in my last relationship I was the Anastasia and my ex was the Vladimir. So its strange to wear the other shoe and know more what it must have been like for Vladimir, being with someone who was just so beyond everyone and everything and feeling less then and not sure how to keep up and hold their own, as Anastasia constantly exposes the conditioning and BS.
She also says that nature loves people so much that it longs for people to touch all plants in a lovely conscious way.”
“But Jess can you not see that is such an egocentric thing to say? You may see it as loving and oneness but what it actually is selfishness, that humans think and are encouraged to think that they are the most important species, so they have a right to do what they want with this planet.
No animals or plant desired to be touched or be sent loving positive energy by humans if the human is confused, because they know how contagious it is and the reason their world is being destroyed to begin with, this is like sending a virus to nature.”

I did not really pay attention to what Diego said because I was still in la la Anastasia dream world in and my head and so I continued making my case on why these books and Anastasia are like him and how much they will help him like they did for me. He would agree with me soon and through the power of Anastasia his heart would be healed.
“Oh did I also tell you that in the books, it talks about how Anastasia is sensitive to confusion or anyone taking her out of her natural space? To the point in which there is some kind of energy that protects her. Which makes me think that could be what is going on with you and those invisible jellyfish? You and her both said your not responsible for what happens if a person tries to take away your peace or push confusion on you so.
I would not stop talking about the books I was constantly saying after everything he said, “oh Anastasia says something like that to. Oh just let me read a bit to you; you will love it, you will see, you will not regret it.” I pretty much became flat out annoying about these books until he finally agreed to let me read just a little to him. I agreed knowing that once I read a little bit to him he would be hooked like everyone else and want me to read the rest and his heart would open to love.
I read in a very sweet enduring passionate way, even doing voice impressions of each character in the book. I just poured my heart in it as I read hoping Diego would feel that to and appreciate it, I read to him as if he was a little boy. As I was reading I started to get thrown off, because I started to realize that it was not as similar to Diego as I told myself it was. I started to skip over things that I knew he would not like but their was too much it was repetitive and rhetoric with love, god, the highest good, divine, it just kept coming up so I just read it as is and got more and more deflated.
I tried to skip ahead to the good stuff the stuff that would really grab Diego but nothing did till after about 12 pages he said, “ok stop that’s enough.”
“No come on just a bit more, it really is good.”
“ I do not care.” he said.
“Well that’s a shitty thing to say I said starting to tear up. I care about the things your interested in at least you can try to understand what I am into make some effort for me.”
“Have you ever met this Anastasia he said?”
“Well no,” I said.
“Has anyone ever met her?” he pressed on.
“The author and very few people that are mentioned in the book, have met her,” was my response.
“Has anyone else ever met her in person?”
“ No, I said, she does not want to be in the public or meet anyone maybe because she also feels they are too confused I guess?”
“Well that’s a bit convenient don’t you think?”
“I never cared about it, she wants to be private, it makes sense, I respect that.” I said.
“And does it make sense to you that she tells people how they should have sex and what is right and what is not? Is that understanding and love or just more control fear and authority?”
“No its nothing like that, Its just an advanced way of being that we will one day will get to, when we are able to rise past our fleshy desires. Don’t you say the same thing? Is that not why your not so into sex though?”
“No, he said, and I sure has heck have no belief system governing this in me either.” “But how do you know if something is good or not then?” I asked
“I’m always thinking, he said. Lets take Eo for example I saw he wore the same pendant around his neck like you probably inspired after you shared about the books and because he looks up to you so much, he bought into them as well.”
“Yes he is a sensitive crystal starseed child suffering with all the confused people in the world.”
“ No, he said, he is non of those things, there is no such thing as indigo or crystal or starseeds. Nor is he conscious or sensitive, he is a victim of the silly new age beliefs. Because of those books he is a vegan and will puke with just one grain of parmesan cheese on his plain pasta. He has to buy the expensive salads at alchemy so as to confirm to himself that he is spiritual, conscious, pure and is being good, doing good. Because of those books he is virgin, waiting until he finds a girl like Anastasia and will only consider doing sex with a girl just for kids alone, and he does all this because he wants to be like Anastasia pure like her as he waits for the shift while things get worse. Can you not see how a single idea/belief can abduct our mind and our whole life how it can make us into a slave? Rather then thinking and being free from all this crap? It is because of those books and you that he clings to these beliefs that controls and suppresses him. Also I see how much those books promote god as well, so what is the result of that goodness or violence?”
“No, Diego, lots of good things come from those books.” I argued.
“Really, he said, can you introduce me to one person who has read those books, follows those teachings/ beliefs and are not a total mess struggling? Such a recipe only leads to confusion. And do not ever compare me to Anastasia, its offensive. I am not Anastasia, and you’re not Vladimir, so please stop thinking and comparing that you are. You think through these books they have made you blind.
Is it not because of these books that you ended up in an abusive relationship with your ex? You gave him most of your money recently because of hope that he would be fair in handling your families affairs, you trusted him because of hope, that deep down he is a good guy; that will do the right thing, and what is this hope really but fear. You’re under a spell with those books and beliefs. Your under a spell with your ex that’s why you gave him your money, even though you don’t trust him, but you trust your belief your hope your faith, your Anastasia to make everything ok, that’s a big mistake. You’re not going to get that money back, he has no intention of helping your family either. You will see he will reveal his true intentions to you very soon just watch and see.
How can you deal with anyone or anything if your/we are barely able to think? That makes no sense? How can we expect to have a relationship with anyone or do anything if we can barely think? Mathematically it will always equal more confusion and thus this species self destruction. People refuse to think everything is more important then their mind and understanding why we are so confused. (I was shocked to find just how hard it actually is to think. Since when did thinking become so hard to do? Thinking with out beliefs and conditioning was near impossible surprisingly. Diego said, “indeed it is impossible break apart the word impossible = I’m possible. We have no other choice but to think. We have to remember how to think, to understand how to think with out learning. Just try seeing how long you can think freely for, before you go back to thinking through beliefs/conditioning? When I tell people to try this Diego said all I ever get back is, no your evil, no your being negative.. ok thank you that’s really going to help you out of your mess entertaining such stupid primitive thinking. Porco dio”)
“No, I said, that’s not it at all.”
“Really, he said, so you did not think you have to be like Anastasia? And while you were so busy trying to be like her well of course you had to have a Vladimir as well, someone that you could change with your light love and wisdom right? To prove to yourself and others that Anastasia was true and that the teachings worked(Christians and other religions people use their beliefs to do the same thing). But it did not work you had got yourself over your head and did not know how to get out and you had too much pride and fear to tell your followers the truth of that relationship. You to ease others mind about that relationship by telling them that you were the Anastasia and he was the Vladimir and that was your mission. You tried to make others think they could do the same, and change these abusive partners. How many others read the books and had the same idea and found themselves trapped in a nightmare? Though none of them even suspected or dared to think that it was because of books/beliefs/ideas/thoughts like this that they were enslaved by the nightmare experiences they were living? No, they would say, it was always their karma or punishment or mission or whatever bullshit we tell ourselves to justify and allow the abuse to continue. But it only feeds the abuse rather then to free us from it. But it’s the hope that makes us think that the horrible situation or abusive person will somehow change and get better. What you thought was that you would just stay with him until the shift then everything would magically be better? You thought that your ex would suddenly understand the Anastasia teachings and follow it fully, that he would suddenly become conscious and spiritual like you like your idea of her? He knew that was the way to keep you in his life, so he pretended to be conscious and used that gimmick to exploit you and your followers.
How many women in an abusive relationship stay with the man because they hope it will get better? They live in that hope that psychological idea of time in the future that will never come, rather then in reality and they do what they can to escape their reality, such as new age books, and goddess workshops, marriage, kids, vacation, entertainment, techniques, new sex tips, classes and so on. They look for solutions out of their traps but non of them will ever work because they want a solution tailored to their comfort belief and this is how we are always feeding what we fight.”
“Stop it Diego, your words are cutting me too deep. I think I’m going be sick, I have to puke. Why are you being so cruel to me? I told you that you have to be gentle with me.”
“ No, he said your under a spell with these books, being gentle is not going to get you to snap out of it. Being gentle will only continue to feed it. You have to see it for what it is. What is behind those books and all spiritual solutions, and all religions, all solutions, ideals especially these so seeming good beliefs so seeming innocent books are violent. You yourself wanted to know how you ended up in a situation like that, and how others find themselves in similar situations as well, so now you know, but what you cannot handle it? You have to handle it, you have no choice if you truly want to prevent this from happening to you again and to others. This is the dismantling process and it’s not pretty, come on face the music or forever run from it claim innocence not to understand when you know you do.
Can you see what you were doing when you wanted to push these books on me, which is a belief your pushing on me? Again you say that you’re not religious but you are for you do the same things as them, the very thing you do not like your doing the same. Remember you said this book is the answer and something I need for confirmation, but I do not need this. Do you see how this virus works to trap others? I mean what were you expecting from me to be like “”wow your right these books are great, yes I want to do everything they suggest to so we can live in some utopia limbo?”” I am sure you will be most upset if I do not agree to these books or teachings which will give you reason to fight and to justify the fight so as to push me into feeding some self commiseration for you. So as to make me feel bad so I have to make it up to you. But I see these traps and nor will I fall for them. You must be able to see them to.
In those books you mentioned about the children prophesies, that the kids will lead the way, you label them indigo crystal star children, you interpret everything you read and see through this belief. You can not see anything else, because your beliefs make you see what you want and discard anything that does not fit those ideals, so you convince yourself of a shift and humans are waking up. But the truth is they are not and no kids can save people because the adults are so badly conditioned that the poor kid does not have a chance they get conditioned right away and it’s a done deal.
The parents push the new age, religious ideals on the kids, trying to convince themselves that they and their children are special. That is why these beliefs are so important to people they want to feel special; then they talk about ego and we are all one. I mean really? Are you kidding me? Give me a break. Why don’t they think my goodness? It’s so sad for me to see kids forced to do yoga, eat only raw food and speak spiritual jargon. Or when you see here in Bali the little kids dressed in ceremony clothes and stupid people take pictures saying, “”ah that is so cute.”” I mean poor kids, they do not get a child hood or a chance to think, no they have to kill that in the kid right away and replace it with culture so they can add to the confusion in this world. This is not cute this is seriously sick. And you Jess with -holding onto these books and all the beliefs that go with them are contributing and feeding this to continue on. Is that what you want a world like that really? You say you do not like it, and you agree its sick but its not enough you need to know if you promote this stuff then your instantly responsible for this mess in the world.

And what about that new age community where the main speaker/representative killed his wife and the community rather then being appalled by this, said “”oh I guess its her karma we just need to love and forgive this man because that’s what lightworkers do.”” They are conditioned to love no matter how much abuse and insanity goes on they are afraid to judge to think to question to not be good or spiritual/positive enough so they follow the pack with a certain kind of positive thinking about everything even murder. Another sick thing about this is the many who heard this story found it inspiring and that this is more evidence that people are awakening yet the killer got away scot-free. So he could easily do the same again, no problem, same as the scam, or sin all you want just repent at the end of the day or your deathbed just say these words and all is fine. (I shared this story recently on my facebook wall and to my disgust most people saw this as a positive inspiring story.)
Can you see the insanity in this? Can you see how this can never ever lead to peace but more suffering? And the worse part is, that this is all happening because of a single idea, a single belief that we were not born with, that we allowed to abduct our whole life and mind because we think its good and will make us good. It’s like that saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Indeed that is true.

You want to believe these books are true but its not reality its not going to fix things how are peoples lives because of beliefs like this? And what about Wolf he read those books and wanted to make an eco-community based on them. So he could be the alpha male to seduce all the woman that showed up to control and repress them like he did with you. Look pretty say nothing, do as I say because I am so conscious sleep with me and you will be conscious like me. Its clear that these books, this Anastasia can not remove human confusion either.
You yourself Jess saw how so many wanted to make eco-communities based on Anastasia’s and other stupid new age beliefs/teachings yet non of them ever worked they all fell apart and will fall apart because of one stupid reason or another. Is this the future we have to look forward to thanks to these beliefs because we are not thinking? I hate to see a future like this, who knows maybe their will be think positive police arresting you if your not thinking positive or conscious enough to someone else’s ideas and standards. What a wonderful world lovingly repressed and controlled in a positive way. I’m sorry that is not freedom, surely you see that right?”
“Uhm I trembled and said in a low sober voice. I never thought about that before.”
“Exactly, he said now the question is how many other things are there that we are not thinking about either?
Jess think about this more, if you do you will see that most likely these books come from the Russian mafia and the catholic church its so clear how she defends all beliefs and promotes god. Someone is making lots of money off of this scam. I mean people are even willing to buy Anastasia toothpaste and gum, to me that is a sign of a mental illness or an experiment to show how easy it is to fool and exploit people. Its clear that this Anastasia and new age is a total set up that its in some-ones interest that we embrace these beliefs. Just think who else could be profiting from this? I would not be surprised if the pharmaceutical industry is behind funding all these new age speakers. Which I am certain is linked to the rise depression and more people on meds then ever before. This content messes people up they become so confused stuck and distraught they get committed or turn to meds if not by themselves then by their family. The family says we are committing you because we love you, that’s what love is now a days more authority force control. I fight you because I love, love which is actually I love my beliefs.
How many times did your ex say when he was trying to screw you around, “”I am doing this cause I love you?”” you try to talk to him about something intelligent he interrupts you to say I love you then its sex and you forgot everything? Men that beat their wives say “”I am doing this because I love you.”” woman who get beaten say “”after all he is my husband and I love him and I want to be good. I must be positive, so I will forgive him and let him get away with his actions. As I hope he will not beat me again, but I will prepare just in case maybe I can make it better with him by having kids with him?
People say, I kill others and go to war because I love my country, I love my god, and so on. Its never ending confusion and stupidity. Its harsh but reality damn it and we have to face it and understand it or spend the rest of our life in this mess. We have no time to be gentle and play the perfect relationship. People who hear this will most likely say, then that is not real love, is that not what light-workers say when you tell them about these things? They say its not love they say, its divine this and that, but they themselves are not even able to make their life or any relationships work they live in a hope of an idea of what they think love is. I mean what the heck is the divine? Diego asked. It smells like more authority and control to me and this Anastasia promotes this.
So you imitated her and your life became more a mess and become more confused can you see how this works for religious people as well? They want to be like god, new agers now say that they are god, so they do their best to imitate their idea of him; and their idea of him is not what he actually is. Which is a mind manufactured idea. Real or not this god still equals confusion, pettiness, insanity, and violence. Our idea of god has single-handed destroyed our planet faster then anything else.
Islam means peace but where is peace? I just see violence, burkas and repression abuse of woman, same with Christianity violence abuse and repression of woman and same with these Anastasia teachings, which I noticed as you were reading to me how much she is an advocate of god promoting this kind of non thinking, non understanding, insanity; because this is what god actually is violence, psychopath, confusion, authority and what it actually comes from. This is why people desire peace and love through their ideas of god but end up getting more insanity and violence and more repression from their government. People do not like the illuminati but they are the ones encouraging this repression by these insane belief. These people who think in that way are the bloody conspiracy to themselves first and foremost then it gets mirrored outside into the world. They wanted to be like god, well their they go, they got just that pettiness violence and control/authority. If people just thought for a second what they think then they could see this first hand and its not my opinion it’s a fact its history, its porco dio.
And all this is for what some heaven, or to be able to become enlightened or to ascend or to be gifted 72 virgins?
What if others do not like heaven or enlightenment what if it’s boring, then what? What can you do about it? Nothing you’re stuck there for an eternity.
As for 72 virgins, what if they are all crazy? or they all get their period at the same time as they are all fighting for you, can you expect to have any peace? I’m sorry but one man living with 72 virgins does not sound like heaven to me but hell. Do you see how we do not think? How all this always equals a psychological limbo no exceptions?

People should not be asking if there is a god or not they should be asking why should I care? Why do I care? What happened to me to make me care about these things? I never cared about this when I was kid; we were not born this way. No animal’s care about a god, you never see animals warring with each other building temples.
“But what about loving positive thoughts to heal the body or create our desired reality I asked trying to prove him wrong, oh how I wanted him to be wrong as its so terrible and shocking it can’t be true can it? Is it really this bad? Are we really his lost? What about all of our solutions? What about all the people that hang onto salvation?”
(this is also a continuation to why bad things happen to good people chapter-) Diego responded with,” we are constantly told by new age even religion that our thoughts create our reality and effect our body/health, so all we have to do is positive loving and kind and everything will be fine right? This is totally false. It’s not true because its actually the thoughts that are behind the thoughts that effect our body and create our reality. For example a person has good intentions to help another person, or help the planet, but they are confused and they are helping mainly because of what is behind that thought which is usually because the person wants to have good karma for their own good, or so they can feel better about themselves, or to feed their identity to confirm to themselves and to others that they are a good person, or to make profit, or to be loved and accepted, popular, or to be a special person, or because they are looking for a way to escape their lives, and all these things are illusions created by conditioned/confused thinking. This is the thought behind the thought and what that actually is fear and confusion. Thus no matter how kind, positive or loving the person is to others or to their own body they still get back violence, pain and confusion from their life and from their body and especially from their mind. Because the thought comes from control and conditioning force stress and authority of how we should be which is a fake and not natural.. When we are not being in our natural state of thinking everything turns on us even the mind and the body. This is why we say stuff like “The secret” and all channeling new age religious stuff is dangerous.
Behind the thought of the thought is energy and that energy is what we are actually made of.
If we are confused (98% of the people on the planet are confused) and they are sending positive loving energy to someone or something what we are actually sending is confusion and violence not love. Which is why after all these mediations on peace and attempts to send love we have more war, violence and confusion then ever before. People think they are helping in this way but it does not help at all it actually makes things worse. Ok there are reports that people who meditate on places with high crime rate and they found it does reduce the crime, this is done by putting people to sleep, and crime is reduced in that area but springs up somewhere else in another part of the world and shows up even more so in peoples minds. All this does is address the symptom and not the root just like a pain killer its temporary when it wears off its back again even more intense then before yet we still are convinced then mediation and positivity is the answer. I’m sorry we can not expect to bring peace to the world by control, suppression, force or violence which is what meditation is we force control repress the mind and that’s violence.
But if a person is able to understand observe and dismantle the conditioning of the thoughts behind their thoughts then they are most likely to attain their psychological freedom.
We can not say to ourselves I’m going to train and be healthy through the fear of being sick as this is coming from a fear and sick confused thoughts, not a free flowing one like a child has who runs and moves naturally… this is what I mean about going deep and thinking about what we think. To be able to think behind the thoughts, to understand with out learning and think about our thoughts with out the thoughts that created the thoughts because it is there where you will find true psychological freedom everything else will just lock you in a self inflicted miserable limbo.
So go ahead try it for yourself jess, think of a major thought that is the main character in your life and now see if you can see that thought behind the thought to see what it really is and what it is really doing for your life?”
This was too much for me to take and the more he spoke the more small and terrible I felt. I said to him, “you must think I am really stupid don’t you, being a spiritual speaking promoting this for so many years?”
“ Oh no, don’t you do that, don’t you sink into apathy and self commiseration again because that kind of thinking is what is actually stupid and it will never ever help you to understand or use your intelligence on what is really going on here. This is a clever game the mind plays to escape thinking this, ‘no its too much,’ ‘no I’m too stupid to get this,’ guilt bla bla. Do not fall for that trap either jess, besides you really think I would be here with you if I thought you were stupid and did not have the potential (which is very rare) to understand and dismantle this psychological virus? Come on Jess think, you’re a victim of this, do not defend it, especially when the majority are also victims of this kind of thinking as well. Do we really have to be artists in suffering?”
But I could not think my ringing cedar pendant felt like it was burning a hole on my chest. “Maybe I deserve this.” I said.
“No, he said, that is another trap, abusive thinking leads to abusive life events and people, do not fall for it again, snap out of it.
Why don’t you try just for a day taking off that pendant and see how you feel?”
“I can’t, I said, I have worn it for so long. I have never taken it off, its my identity. I cannot imagine not wearing it, who would I be then?”
“ You would be you then, not Anastasia or what ever else. Go ahead give it a try take off the pendant.”

I admit I had a real hard time spending that day with out the pendant. When I got upset or my conditioning picked a fight with Diego I went to my pendant and put it back on to show him I was mad. When I wanted to please Diego and show him that I understand and that I was improving I took the pendant off.
Then I saw what I was doing; I did not care to please Diego. This pendant is not about him anyway nor does he really care if I wear it or not. He cared why I wore it and what it meant to me; if it was something I wore just cause I liked to or because it was really helping me or was it just another drug belief to hide behind?
But if I did not wear it then what I just reject that belief and replace it with his beliefs and ideas? I struggled at that time to not able to see how what Diego was sharing was also a belief. Even though he said it’s not a belief, we were not born with beliefs. What he was sharing was not his opinion it was a fact it was reality a bitter pill to swallow. But it would take me a long time before I would fully understand how what Diego was saying was not a belief which I will reveal as I continue on with these blogs.
One last thing to add about this, I eventually took the pendant off and never put it back on again and now I cannot understand why I ever wanted to wear that thing to begin with. I had no idea such a silly little pendant could have such a strong hold on my mind, that it could create such a huge virus and possess me. With the help of Diego I had managed to free my self from the Anastasia ringing cedars of Russia spell.



Chapter 19: My Good News is Someone Else’s Bad News

Of course when I tried to tell others about this revelation like my mother and followers they said, “I was being negative and that I was killing hope and totally brainwashed by Diego, this made me extremely frustrated. When I informed him of this he just said, “welcome to my world. This is how It has been my whole life every-time I try to tell people these things which is why I am very selective with who I talk to about this with.”
Well Diego I have a knack at explaining complicated things to people I can make it more simple for them so maybe I can find a way to explain this to others to. I then went over to practice more on my mom and also share with her my decision.

“You know bear how I said I would only spend 2 months in a relationship with Diego at least until after the end of the world? Well I decided now that that time has passed I am going to stay longer with Diego. I am going to stay in Bali with Diego. I see now, I need more time with him. I want to stay longer with him as long as I can.”
“No jessica, this is too much for you, I am worried about you. Your becoming jaded and cynical, you’re pissing off your followers even the ones who donate to you. People want to hear from you your thoughts not Diego’s. If you keep this up you’re not going to be able to afford to live. How will you survive? You have been living off of your donations for a couple years now, why on earth would you want to kill your goose that lays golden eggs for you? Your running out of money soon then what will you do? Why do you have to be with Diego and dismantle? Surely you can do it as friends from afar? I really think you should come back to Canada with me, I’m so worried about you.”
“ No mom I made up my mind and I am sticking to it. And those people who are donating to me because they are drugged by new age ideas and that is doing more harm then good. How can I accept money for this? How can I continue doing what I do?”
“But how will you eat? It’s not really as bad as you say Jessie. You’re just thinking too much and your over paranoid. Its really nothing its not that bad, it will be ok you will see.”
“No mom can’t you see what your saying? Your thinking through hope and that’s really fear.”
“ Jess people need to have something to believe in. They need their beliefs they need to have hope otherwise what is the point of living everyone might as well just commit suicide? You’re a motivational speaker, these things you speak of, are not motivational at all, actually it’s just the opposite. Who wants to hear about that? Life is hard enough for people as is.”
“No mom that is a big scam people are sold its not true, but no one dares to think or question this its too scary for them. People spend their life hoping for things that will never come. That is why politicians use the word hope and change all the time yet nothing ever changes, it just gets worse because we are too busy focused on the hope and change rather then thinking ,so to actually have change. It’s a terrible thing to spend our whole life on hope rather then actually living our life in reality, and I for one am tired of doing that. Can you not see the scam and how dangerous hope is?

I decide to change the subject, I was heating up in my intensity, and nothing I said seemed to get through to her. So I did not know how to explain this to her at the time and I was feeling more and more heart broken by her words and my inability to explain it to her. I was also upset with myself; I was such a good communicator now I felt like I had to learn to speak all over again. But the words never came out right just lots of emotion, which my mom took as me being distraught and not clear. So I said instead, “I know you do not understand this now, and I do not know if you will ever understand but I still like to think that maybe one day you will understand.

There is also one more thing mamma bear I want you to tell my best friend Melissa back home, that I do not think that it is not a good idea for her to come visit me in Bali. She is too much of a hard core christian and I do not see this going well with her and Diego. I think she will be so freaked out when she talks with him because I know he will not hold back or be gentle or sugar coat anything. You and I both know how fragile she is right now, struggling with her depression her medications and mind. If she is not open which I know she is not then this is not going to be a good cocktail. It would be better to discourage her about coming to visit me. Besides there are no christian churches here which is something I really like about Bali, no crosses, or \y jesus carcass in my face, or annoying christian holidays flaunted at stores so I am not sure how she will survive here.
Also we have to tell her that I am not going back to Canada anytime soon, that I have made a decision to stay in Bali and make it my new home.”
I thought Melissa would be happy for me about the news but she was really crushed that her best friend had decided to move so far away. She did not like that we were drifting further and further apart nor that I was with a man that she did not approve of because she could not talk about her faith with him or even make jokes with him he stopped the conversation right away and refused to speak with her. Especially because he knew how much she was suffering with her beliefs that were like a vicious circle a self inflicted hell in which her problem was her beliefs, she did not know this or refused to see it for her the only solution is her beliefs she would reject anything else that was not want she wanted to hear. Which led to a huge amount of tension in our relationship to the point it was getting more and more hard to converse with her how we used to because It was getting more challenging to be fake with her or how I was before. Only I did not know I was being fake, I thought I was being a good friend; but apparently not, all I was really doing was just giving her the psychological drugs she wanted. I will get more into that in another blog.



Chapter 20: Topsy Turvey Balinese Logic

I have to admit I did not like Bali at all when I arrived. I did not want to stay there as long as I did. But since I ended up staying I started to appreciate being out of the western world loop. There were some things that is really nice about Bali, such as: the lush jungle, the laxidayzical laws, the heat and cool heavy rain, the snakes and exotic wild life, the cheap prices of houses and food. I felt it would be better for people to leave the rat race and live out in Bali where you do not have to struggle so much to survive. I thought I could tempt my mom into moving out to Bali, as I felt this strong need to have my family near me. How ever after 7 months of living in Bali things started to change. New development was happening constantly and very fast. Everywhere I turned a new houses was going up, more trees and jungle were being destroyed and suddenly there was no peace just constant noise. Then there were the westerners that were showing up in swarms over populating Bali and devouring its resources like locusts that wanted to escape their old life. The prices here where cheap to them and so the locals got greedy they started to realize they could charge a lot more for everything and so they did and almost over night the prices increased and kept increasing to the point it was crazy. Not too long ago a whole house was 200 USD a month now to get one bedroom was $700 USD. Food went from 1$ to 5$. I told my mom it would be so cheap but by the time she got here it was not cheap at all. Not just that the food and service is terrible. Not because they are mean or anything they just do not know how to think. For example if you see on the menu they have a salad and a chicken as two separate dishes and if you ask to combine it into a chicken salad they response with ‘impossible.’ If you order a cheese sandwich you will get the smallest and most pathetic amount of cheese.
Cheese is strange to the Balinese, they just do not understand it. Often times you can find bugs plastic and hair in your food. I one time ordered fish sticks that were deep fried but the Balinese server must have been sleeping when they made it because they did not remove the individual plastic wrap and deep fried that to that I could only discover when I bit into one. Most of the food is very low quality and done anyhow at all. Drinks are either over watery or too much sugar or just perhaps spoiled fruit. They try to charge as much as they can for the food to, and you can not complain because they will just say ‘sorry ya’ and that’s it there is nothing you can do. They say ‘sorry ya’ for everything no matter how bad it is of something they did until you just get frustrated and go away, its super annoying.
When your paying for your food you have to pay attention to the bill because they will play tricky games such as charging you extra or adding extra things on the bill that you did not order. The tourists tend to just say ‘huh, how come my bill is so high? I did not order that much.’ but then the tourists will just shrug it off and pay anyway thinking meh its still cheaper then my country.
The locals will also do stuff like this at the super market if your white you have to pay more, they watch what you buy the most of and purposely raise the price on it because they know you will buy it. It’s ridiculous what they charge for fruits and vegetables, and they are often heavily sprayed or rotten.
When you go to the till to pay the locals often do not have proper change (or so they say) so they will instead give you a candy. You can lose a lot of money this way. If you try to do the same thing back to them pay with a candy for small change they will get offended. I remember one time even the pizza boy did not have change I am like really but that’s your job to have the right change.
The locals can not be trusted even if you know them for 5 years and they will still try to make you into their best friend until you buy land or make some money deal with them they will take over everything you have and then get the government to remove you from the country leaving you with nothing. It has happened so many times to people Diego knows. Which is why he never bought land or tried to set up the EOF as a physical center there.
The locals also are only interested in fast money so if you living in your house and someone comes to them and says they want your house and will pay a little more. Then the locals can kick you out with hardly any notice. You have to watch them because they are always playing tricky games, always trying to scam you, to them all white people are walking ATM machines, and we are all wealthy and crazy to them. They cannot fathom why a person would spend so much on a plane ticket just to sit on their beach it makes no sense to them. They know we have beaches much closer by and in our countries yet here we are.
The locals are also extremely loud, inconsiderate and they will not give you any privacy especially if you have a temple in your yard. Their ceremonies happen every 15 days sometimes every 5 days depending on the month, which is super annoying and loud. Not to mention how they treat the animals or how many they sacrifice for their ceremonies.
The Balinese’s culture is huge here, its like a circus show, there is always some kind of ceremony. Where ever the priests decide it will take place, it does, i have seen a whole street be shut down and blocked because they are all kneeling on the ground.. Their ceremonies tend to be very loud elaborate and long they are very hard to keep up with and understand. It is very frowned upon to not go to a ceremony if you do not go to a ceremony you have to pay, and the ceremonies take over 70% of the locals income.
Oh and good luck asking them about why they do what they do, they will just mumble something and laugh and most of the time it will make no sense and confuse the heck out of you.
The Balinese people are Hindu and Buddhists hybridized with a whole bunch of other faiths and beliefs so they believe in the whole gambit.
Bali is full of garbage and pollution as well; do not trust any paradise pictures of Bali most likely the garbage is photo shopped out. So many come here thinking its like Hawaii. It is not like Hawaii at all. Forget about making friends with westerners as most of them are crazy which had us pretty much keep to our selves. The mental institutions in Bali are full of westerners that came here to do some new age workshop or some project and they ended become a total mess and lost their minds. We really only socialized with people that came to Bali to specially visit us. Otherwise I have been pretty much isolated feeling like I’m stranded on a deserted island with a very poor crappy Internet connection.

There is this huge black and yellow spider that spins golden webs that the locals will eat raw for their wedding night, as they believe it makes them stiff for the whole night. It is their natural organic Viagra; poor spider. The huge brown jumping spiders I used to be so afraid of, that now I adore and laugh that I was ever afraid of them. The locals catch them and fry them until their legs fall off, then they feed it to their kids as a bed wetting remedy. They say its most effective though if they are able to catch a mother spider with her huge egg sack attached to her and fry that as well. My goodness that would motivate anyone to stop wetting their bed don’t you think?
Cops became cops by buying the outfit that comes with a whistle if you can afford the suite that automatically makes you a cop. This place is super backwards.
Of all the people in the entire world the Balinese score the lowest in IQ tests. I do not want to say they are incompetent, even though they sure seem like they are, but well just just say they think in a very strange way or they do not think at all in a very strange way. Let me give you some examples so you can better understand and you can decide or come to your own conclusions.
We had a friend who had to leave Bali for a few months and she asked her Balinese house keeper to make sure her cat is fed at least half a box of cat food a day. When our friend returned, she found her fridge full of many boxes half full of cat food.
This local that was employed for this very simple task, took what was said literally she bought a box of cat food gave the cat half of the box of food then the other half was put away in the fridge never to be used again, because after all that is half the box. If the cat were hungry the next day then off to the store she would go for another box of cat food.

Diego was always hesitant to let the local family that owned our house to come in and clean our house. I did not know why until after they cleaned. In our bathroom Diego has painted many rocks its clearly art, but the lady that cleaned did not see it that way and mindlessly swept them all away into the jungle part of the bathroom as if they were garbage to her. Most of the stones got buried in the dirt and pretty much got destroyed because of this negligent act. But if those stones were in her temple she would take such care and consideration of them, maybe even doing a little prayer for them.

On another occasion a few years ago when Diego was living in another place he woke up to find all this noise and fuss and it was all because their was a banana found in the yard. To the locals this was something serious for some reason maybe a bad omen, who knows? They ended up calling the high priest and a ceremony was done that lasted a whole day. Diego tried to understand what was going on with this mystery of the banana that was supposedly not supposed to be there. In his investigation he found in the back of the yard a small banana tree and thought most likely the wind blew it into the yard, or a squirrel found it and tried to carry it off. There are many logical reasons, but no to the locals some spirit did it and thus lots of unnecessary stress and work must be done and it’s all because of one banana. Not one of the locals ever thought to ask, but why should we care so much if one banana is in our yard or not? Which clearly shows how much people do not think. To care about ones beliefs, culture, values superstition takes total control of the mind possessing a person and then they forever live in fear of this one idea/illusion in their head. Whenever Diego shares this story he says’ “how many of us do the same? How many bananas are in our brain that we do not even know about or even consider? Yet we give so much value and merit to these bananas.”

Another friend of ours who had a small clothing business went to a clothing factory and said I want 100 of these shirts exactly like this one here and he pointed it to the locals and they said, “ok come back in a week.” When he showed up to pick up his order he found that all 100 of the shirts had a cigarette burn hole in them. All because apparently the first shirt he pointed out had a cigarette burn hole in it, that he did not know about or see. He did say after all he wanted it exactly like that shirt. So that meant that when the locals saw this burn hole they painstakingly sat down and recreating that exact cigarette burn in that specific spot on everyone of the shirts. Welcome to Bali.
There is another weird ceremony holiday they have for the dead, how it works is if your loved one has died and your rich then you can have them cremated right away. If not you have to wait for a specific holiday so in the mean time the dead is buried but when the holiday comes families have to dig up their loved ones. Even if they have been buried for 5 months or longer and carry them in a way like dummy walking with one member moving one leg then the other. They then tie their dead family member to a tree for another ceremony then they cremate them. No one can do this for them it does not matter if there is only 1 or 2 people or even kids in the family they are expected to do this, there is no way out or great shame bad luck and woe to you. Can you imagine participating in such a crazy holiday?
And if that is not bad we enough we have to deal with crazy new agers saying, “Bali is so spiritual and inspiring.”
To that I say, “Oh Really, did you see that temple made entirely out of pig skin that were skinned alive for this insanity? Oh yes, so spiritual and inspiring indeed. You who claim to be a healer why not send healing with your quantum cosmic divine energy to the pigs and see if they heal. Ask your god or use your healing energy to cure the world’s confusion and stupidity so stuff like this does not have to happen anymore, or are your beliefs more important then our sanity?”
Now who wants to come to Bali?
But seriously if it were not for Diego there is no way I would have stayed in Bali as long as I did. Most of the people that came to visit us in Bali found that they really do not like Bali. So many asked me but how long are you planning to stay in Bali and I always said, “I do not know.” Often I would suggest us moving somewhere else but Diego never budged on this. However I never gave up making suggestions on this until I finally found a way to make a move from Bali happen. But I am getting ahead of myself that story will be revealed in a future blog.


Chapter 21: The Adventures & Misadventures with my Mom & Eo

a) Diego’s Frustrations with my Mother- As time went on with my mother being here I could see that Diego did not feel so comfortable with my mother, he said to me. “At least Jess your willing to understand but your mom does not seem to want to do that even.”
“What did my mom do now?” I asked.
Diego is never shy to hold back if he is annoyed he will say it and indeed he went through a list for me. He then told me how his neighbor and good friend found my mom at the front door of her house at 7am. My mom woke her up because Diego and I were not awake. So she thought she could hang with our neighbor for a bit even though they only met once. After waking her up, my mom then asked our neighbor if she could make her breakfast for her as well. I cannot believe my mom would assume that our neighbor would make breakfast for her just like that. Then she asked our neighbor why she and Diego never got together since they got along so well? I am sure she thought what kind of question is that? Obviously our neighbor did not appreciate this. I tried to understand why my mom would do this as I felt it was out of her character or what I knew about her at least. Ok the question about why her and Diego never dated I admit was something I was wondering about myself; that I shared with my mom, but I did not know that she would voice it out like that. I admit I do not have much tact but I do in cases like that. When I asked my mom about all this she just said she did not know.
Then Diego went on, “there was that time that she came into the house and sat on the bed with her shoes on. She did not think to take them off. It’s not about being clean, because you know I do not care about that, but its about consideration. In this case your mom likes to do these things for entitlement reasons. She thinks because she is the mother that she can do what she wants, and I will put up with it, because I am with you, but its not true, and no I will not.”
“ Well when you first met me I was pretty negligent.” I said.
“This is a different kind of negligence then the one you had jess, you never did it on purpose to test. Oh yes, that to I do not appreciate; how she told you to test a man to know if he is a good partner for you or not.”
“ She was just trying to help me to be able to know. I do not see that as bad advice, a girl has to be careful to who she picks as a partner in this day and age what with so many weirdo’s and people being so good at being fake its hard to tell or know for sure who is legit and who it not.”
“ If your not confused you know, Diego said, if your confused you play silly games that become set ups and manipulation and it does not work because even though woman do that they still end up with jerks because they want to see their partner how they want to see them and are reluctant to see them any other way. Every time your mom comes over she likes to make a mess as well, so that day not only did she put her shoes on the bed but she asked me to get her a chocolate bar from the market, and I did, and she ate it, and then threw the wrapper on the floor. Whenever she goes into the kitchen she always leaves a mess, she never cleans up after herself.”
“ But Diego I did the same, when I first came here. I think what is happening here is when we were little kids we always made a mess and she always had to clean, so she said ‘one day when we grow up and get a place of our own she will come for a visit and make a mess back for us to see how we like it.’ My mom has a good memory when it comes to things like this. I think its revenge to her or some justice of a mother.”
“ Yes but jess, its still inconsiderate because she is not doing it to you but to me to test me, so I can get her approval for you. Yes you did make a mess for me but again it was not on purpose you just were in another space in your head.”
“ Perhaps my mom is doing this because she felt she went soft with my ex and did not want to have me be in the same situation again. So she is doing what she can to prevent that?” I earnestly searched for an explanation and always did my best to speak on my mother’s behalf so as to avoid biasness or to feel like I am being forced to choose sides, which is something my ex did. When I told my mom about this she said, “this no fair, its bias of course he will always defend you but not the mother, the mother is always the bad guy or the one to be first cast away.”
Once again I felt in the middle of things.
“What about that time Jess where she came over and used our bathroom for 2 hours and she did not even tell me that she was here let alone in the bathroom, perhaps I needed it? And the whole time while she was in the bathroom she was making strange annoying noises.”
“Well in all fairness my mom told me she was going to use the bathroom and that she would be awhile. I told her that it was fine. I am sorry, I should have checked with you first but I did not think about that. So this time its my fault not hers.” “Maybe so jess, but again that is not what it is about, its about her wanting unnecessary attention. I just do not like games and fakness like this. Why can she not just communicate with me rather then all these games? Perhaps she feels intimidated by me because I made her question things? She is used to being right, she spoke to me so as to have that as a goal. But I wanted her to see past that and she took it as an offense, now she is doing all this.”
“Ok, is that all or is there more?” I asked, even though I really wanted him to be done.
Diego went on, “I understand that your mom is looking to earn some money while she is here but the way she goes about it bothers me. You know the huge haunted house across from our house? When she heard I could have those poltergeists leave the house. She wanted me to do that so she could sell the house but asking for more then the usual price. I told her that those beings were there first its not faire for them to have to leave. Humans take so much space as is they feel everything is entitled to them they do not consider other life forms such as poltergeists for example at all.”
I did not know what to say on my mom’s behalf about this one I was rendered speechless. I could see what Diego was getting at though, with how humans are to other beings.
“Its just pride Jess and it’s a terrible beast that can take our whole mind as well. That’s what your mom is infected with. Its important to not need or encourage the pride, its nothing I can help her with, its up to her and her alone to rid herself of this pride, but most rather protect their pride at all costs. Pride can be made more valuable then ones own mind, or people that we care about, this happens so often in the world, there are so many victims and slaves of pride; it makes a person totally blind.”

b) The Return of Eo- 

To our surprise a few weeks before my mom was to head back to Canada Eo came for another visit. It pretty much cleaned my bank account to get her return ticket but I had no other options as she was not able to find a way to support her self there and she had run out of money.

I cannot recall why Eo decided to come out again so fast maybe to meet my mom. He heard she was an eccentric character like me and wanted to find out for himself. The first thing Eo witnessed was my mom earnestly catching fat warty toads with her bare hands and setting them loose in her place so they would eat all the bugs inside thus decreasing bugs from biting her ass, so she could have a sound sleep.
Load singing blue geckos with red poka dots were also welcome in my moms place. She struggled with every place she went to they all seemed to have a strong mold smell and often the shower did not work and the fan did not spin fast enough to keep her cool. Shortly after Eo arrived she did not stay at that place for long because weird black magic things were going on and it freaked her out, I think she also saw some rats, so she found another house to stay at temporarily. Then after that place she moved to another place, it was a small home stay by the road that never had a moment of silence with out cars and bikes boisterously going by beeping their horns. I really did not like this place for her but she insisted on staying their feeling it was better then the other place so I really have no idea what she experienced to spooked her out, to be able to put up with such noise. I know the locals did not fix anything and sometimes I came in on her room with out asking but I think she may have seen some thing creepy projected to her like Eo did when he stayed there.

Eo was different on his second visit to Bali. Even though we did still play some of our old games together such as finding animals people and things that looked Diego such as a solid black feathered duck with a big tuff of feathers on the top of its head sticking up just like Diego’s hair.
Eo did not stay at Diego’s place or really hang around us that often as he did before. He had noticed a lot of changes in me; such as that I was no longer wearing my ringing cedar pendant around my neck and he could not understand why I would not wear It anymore. Again I tried to explain to him but he like me was so addicted with these spiritual new age teachings that talking about the dangers of it is not enough to stop one from thinking and conducting their lives through such beliefs. Eo listened to me an Diego talk about this a lot but it never got through to Eo as he just saw what Diego shared as entertainment which is the last thing Diego wants what he shares to be taken as.
Diego is so far seems to be accurate when he calls this psychological drugs cause that is exactly how they act in ones mind.
But slowly, slowly it started to sink into Eo, he suddenly was not comfortable in spiritual places like he was before. He started to see the hypocrisy and fasod of spiritual people. Where before he used to look up to them, and want to fit in, he now was feeling disappointed by them when ever he asked a question to get them to think he saw just how much they refused to do this and rather stay in their bubbles of negligence. An example of some spiritual friends we met in Australia together that also came out to Bali for some job. When Eo went to Gillies islands with them he saw how they gladly participated in animal exploitation in which their were these tiny horses that were expected to work all day carting around fat tourists around with out giving them any water to drink. The horses were not aloud to rest either lest they be whipped. Even though these spiritual people saw this they said oh its so magical here I am so inspired. They totally ignored the lack of care for the horses even when Eo brought it to their attention, they would say something stupid and rhetorical like, ‘oh they chose their reality, to be with humans is a divine honor to them. But we will send them loving energy rather then water and that will make it all ok. (These are also the same people that said who cares if Bali got destroyed because of the movie eat pray love all that matters is that it inspired me. I never wanted to slap someone more in my life.) When these people met diego the boyfriend immediately thought he was evil while the girlfriend stuck out her fake tits so Diego could see them but Diego just yawned and turned away from which totally offended her. She was most likely thinking, ‘how dare he not make me the center of attention like everyone else does.’

Speaking of more negligent spiritual speakers who also promote their negligent thinking to the masses, which is a cause of great concern for Diego and me. In documentary on Deepak Chopra (or as Diego likes to call him Deepak Cobra) that was done by his son there is a scene where Deepak is in Thailand and there are 14 year old prostitutes near by and he said, ‘look how beautiful and inspiriting it is to live in such a multi diversity universe.’
Are you kidding Deepak? How can someone who is world famous for promoting consciousness/awareness be so blind? He also was totally unaware so caught up in his rhetorical motivational speeches trying to sound good, that he was did not paying attention or gave any thought to the elephant being brutally stabbed as well. Instead Deepak continue riding and filming his inspiring trip to Thailand.
These are our spiritual speakers. No wonder Diego says he has not met one spiritual teacher who is not messed up and totally negligent. All these things we constantly brought up to Eo. This was very challenging and unsettling for him. So he mostly focused on entertainment and distractions which I feel was also a motivation to spend time with my mom and me.

Here are some of the adventures we had with her. There is even a video series documenting this time. I apologize for the bad quality on most of them I only figured out how to fix this after most of them were put up and deleted the originals. But the videos are still worth watching, they are candid, funny and really gives you an idea of me and my mothers relationship, our similarities and differences and how I love to tease and bug my mom. Eo really enjoyed witnessing this as well. I think it is a good way for you to get to know my mom and me a bit better to.
My mom did not have a camera so I gave her my camera so that she could document her own adventures and just familiarize herself with such technology as it was strange to her. I taught her how to use the camera to make pictures and videos I even let her borrow it to practice on her own. Because it was annoying to film and photograph everything she asked. Also my mind was so preoccupied while my mom was here that I really did not spend that much time with her, I kept saying we would do this and that and then we never did it. So the last few weeks with her I tried to make up for lost time and cram in as much as time with her as I could.

c)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 1/8 – This first video is a little tour of our walks to lunch and the rest of the video is my attempt to give my mom guitar lessons. She is pretty funny in this video. Though I have no idea myself how to play guitar. The guitar was a gift from Joakim before he left; the only thing he showed me was the basic chords. But knowing the basic chords is not enough to play the guitar nor how to hold the guitar and strum while knowing how to touch and move around holding down the right chords was the tricky part for me. Rather then really practicing, I just strummed and pretended I was already good with the guitar of course I was not and Diego would often wear head phones when I practiced. Its strange how I always sound so much better in my head then in real life. No wonder so many choose to live in their head rather then reality.
To this day I still can not play the guitar, I get too nervous and intimidated by the guitar now it sits in the house gathering dust and I am sure a spider named Herman claimed realistate inside it. Who am I to disturb Herman’s peace?
I now feel pretty strongly that if I am to learn the guitar it must be with someone who knows how to play the guitar and can show me. Step by step to painstakingly sit through practice with me, until I am able to make a decent sound out of the guitar. I know it makes music but I am not sure exactly how to get it to do that. I like to sing, I have always loved to sing ever since I saw “The Little Mermaid.” I remember thinking I need to be able to sing that is how one is to attract a partner in this world according to Disney. So I would sing all the time, I really loved how I felt when I sang it felt good, the thing was every time I sang my 3 brothers even my sister would chuck boots at me like a cat on the fence, “shouting shut up you suck.” But I never really cared that I sucked, I just liked how it made me feel so I kept singing and 10 years later my brothers heard me sing again and they said, ‘wow jess your sound pretty good now,’ to which I responded with, ‘ha ha take that, wahoo for constructive criticism. In truth I am just an ok singer, I like to mimic artists more then really be able to sing properly. I cannot really sing karaoke, I do not have the ear for melody rhythm or beat, just lyrics. All I hear when I listen to music is lyrics then the melody. I have a real vast memory when it comes to songs to. Actually just recently it was brought to my attention how much of a dork I am when it comes to songs especially musicals. Do not watch a musical with me if your not keen on me singing along with every song. I actually was not going to write about this, its kind of a tangent as this was supposed to be about the video did with my mom, but I will keep it anyway and also post my one video where I sing just to give you an idea. 

Diego is able to play one song on the guitar and it is a Beethoven song I forget which symphony it is, but its good one. It goes something like do do do do do. You know that one right? ☺ Oh heck one more tangent, Diego also sings he actually used to be in a rock band back when he was a young grasshopper. Now-a-days it’s very rare that Diego sings, but I have heard him singing once. His favorite music artists are Nick Cave, David Bowie, Queen, and Pink Floyd. He is like me where he can listen to the same song over and over again and not get sick of it. He also is very into lyrics and artists not caring about conforming to what is expected of them. I have gotten more into these artists as well thanks to him. I might as well talk about dancing to quickly since I am on a tangent role here. Diego does not dance, he did once when he was younger I have a picture to prove it. Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall at that time, to witness that sight. I love to dance but I have no rhythm, however that does not stop me from publicly dancing and singing I like to ham it up around people when it comes to this. When I dance, I dance to the beat in my head; I am unaware of the beat of the music playing outside of me. I also do some strange moves and strange faces when I dance and sing I am told to witness me in this mode is quite amusing. I am just like that with my writing singing dancing I just do my own thing I do not care what people think.
In this video (oh wow I’m back on track I followed the tangents and they lead me back to my point wahoo) my mom sings, and well she is not the best singer but its pretty funny to hear her sing just a little and right when she really gets going I was so relieved to have my camera conveniently run out of battery, it was actually perfect because we were losing natural light as well.
Anyway here is the link to the first video I did with my mom in Bali.

d)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 2/8 This video is more about the scenery of Bali. In all the time I have been here I have not really filmed what it really looks like here. My mom also films the rice fields and a flash flood that happened near her place in which her wall collapsed. There is also a little conversation at the end.
This is another video I did around this time on my own

e)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 3/8- In this video mom shows you the Balinese culture dance and music complete with masks stories from their religion. This was filmed with a dance school that comes to Bali to learn about their culture through dance and music. This music to me is super annoying as I had to hear them practicing near my place at odd hours of the day. I did not know what they were doing until my mom brought me to see what was going on there.
Anyway i thought it would be neat to share some of the culture with you guys here in Bali as i have not shared anything like this yet mainly because I’m not a fan its interesting to see once though and that’s it.

f) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 4/8
This is a funny video, my mom found this massage therapist that has all sorts of talents, even fire massage. He holds the fire in front of his hand for long periods of time with out burning himself somehow. We have Eo be the giunnie pig for this episode. This video shows my relationship with my mother how i like to tease her, the comments she makes and the dynamics with Eo.

g) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 5/8
In this video we go rafting and have all kinds of adventures. My mom is so scared at first and then really enjoys it. The scenery of the rafting in Bali is just breathtaking.
However on our way back from rafting we find ourselves stuck in a van with an obese Balinese driver who is farting constantly, and the windows do not work non of them roll down, so getting fresh air was futile. Eo and my mom were chocking trying to breath clawing at the windows, while I was laughing in the corner, many years of dutch ovens and gas chambers with my 3 brothers and being around Diego’s smell had made me immune to such odors and so I was thoroughly enjoying my mom and Eo’s discomfort; but then it become even more intolerable when our driver started to play Justin beeber, and he sang along to the song crying as if this music was moving to him. We asked many times to do something about the windows and change the music but he pretending like he did not understand English but I knew he did he just did not care he was having a moment.

h) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 6/8
This video starts with my mom showing us her favorite plants and her demonstrating some of her plant knowledge.
But most of the video is where I film my mom on a road trip in which the roads are very unstable and my mom is so nervous. This particular trip was a couple hours on the worst roads they were all broken and un-even. The car we rented for this trip was pretty much a piece of crap, the axel went, we had no fuel, and even some of the breaks were not working and on top of that he had my mom squawking like a paranoid hen in the back seat. You can also see Eo right besides her enjoying her franticness and yet some how Diego managed to get us there and back safe and sound. After that I took mom out to dinner where she shares her version of that road trip experience. Also i try to get my mom to give me and Eo a polish language speaking lesson which is also pretty funny because we manipulate the lesson into her teaching us my favorite toilet humor words and my mom tries to conceal how much she enjoys those words to because she is lady and ladies do not talk like that. Ya Right.
The last part of the video is of Joakim giving Nori a kick boxing lesson, you can see the budding romance starting even from there ☺ They are so adorable together, love watching Nori kicking in that long doll dress.

i) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 7/8
This video starts off with my mother and I scrap play fighting. She is extremely strong and is very rough and competitive in this game as we played It lots with all 5 of us kids growing up, and she pretty much always won. This match ends with me loosing because my mom played a bit too rough for me. The rest of the video we film around the town where we live. We visit the resorts of the pools we liked to sneak in on the most. Eo is very much amused by my mom’s comments of her constantly suffering. We are walking around and she is constantly repeating, “I am burning I am burning. “This is funny because her suffering is mostly in her head and over exaggerated.
At the end of the video my mom interviews our rabbit but it turns out I put that same video with her and the rabbit in part 8 as well so in the next paragraph I explain more about the back story behind it, and how it all came about.

J) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 8/8
I have a lot of things to share regarding this video this video starts off with a funny story from my mom. I will try to give you the back story for what your about to hear from her and I will also share my version.
So it was nearing the end of March and I was getting nervous about Diego’s birthday coming up and I wanted to do something special for him, to show him that I care. I was afraid of being a bad girlfriend if I did not get him something. Which is strange of me because I never cared to buy someone a gift before for someone’s birthday. Had I really known Diego at that time which was challenging to because my conditioning got in the way, I would have seen that I stressed for nothing because he really does not care about birthdays or gifts or me proving to him if I’m a good girlfriend or not. It really means nothing to him. So there I was stressing talking with my mom about Diego birthday coming up soon what should I get him? My mom said, “well he likes animals and since you do not know how long you will be in Bali how about you get him a pet?”
“ Yes, I said but not a dog or a cat as that is too much work and stress to leave behind.”
So after talking more about it we thought a rabbit would be the best choice for us. We then went to a local that knew Diego who is also an animal collector (so sad how he has this porcupine in a cage I wish I could free it 😦 ) I asked him if he could get a me a rabbit for Diego. I guess the local interpreted this, as the kind of rabbit I wanted was a Diego rabbit. Later that day when I got back home though I tried so hard to keep this secret form Diego, he picked it up in my mind right away and he said, “I do not want a rabbit or any pet.” (some may think it must be cool living with a mind reader, mostly I found it annoying and frustrating). But it was too late my mom was already plotting her own birthday gift for Diego.
I was at home when my mom kept calling me to come down so I decided to see what all the fuss was about and there in her hands were two baby chicks.
“They are a gift from me to Diego for his birthday,” she said.
“Ok, but what am I going to do with them mom?”
“I thought you could put them in the bathroom, it’s a safe place for them, I remember how Diego said he had a pet chicken before so I thought why not two this time, so they are not lonely and can communicate? Then she said, well I have to go now, take care,” and just like that disappeared leaving me with two baby chicks in my hand. I immediately went and put them in the bathroom I decided not to tell Diego I rather let him be surprised the next time he goes to the toilet and discovers two baby chicks watching him pee. I got very entertained at this idea in my head as I went up the stairs trying to clear my mind pretending like I did not know anything. “So Diego said, what did your mom want?”
“ Oh nothing, I said, she is just being mellow dramatic as usual.”
Yes he said she sure is, but she is mostly like that with everything.”
Oh my gosh I thought did I get away with this? Did I finally surprise Diego? No he suspected something but before he could pry me for more information there was a loud peep peep and cheep cheep sounds coming from the bathroom.
“What is that sound?” Diego said?
“Uh, I don’t know, I said, maybe some baby chicks got lost in the jungle and are calling their mom?”
“No, he said, it sounds like it is coming from our bathroom.”
“Uhh,” I stammered and with that he got up out of his chair to find out for himself and there in the bathroom the chicks were peeping soo loud. Who knew they could peep so loud and nonstop?
“This is why your mother came by? He concluded.
“ It’s a gift from her, I said, that is why I did not tell you I wanted it to be a surprise, surprise.”
“But no one asked me if I wanted these chicks they are going to make constant noise for me.”
“It’s a gift though, are you sure you do not want an animal for your birthday because I was going to get you a rabbit.” I blurted out.
“I do not want a rabbit as a gift. An animal is not a gift nor is it a decoration; it’s a living being.
I do not want these chicks either how come no one asked me? Where is your mother, please find her so she can give them back to who ever gave them to her. Oh and you have to make sure you give them to the right mother otherwise they will be abandoned and not be able to survive on their own.”
“I will see what I can do,” I said as I took both the chicks and ran off to find my mom. It took a bit but I was able to finally find her. I got her to take me where she found the chicks but she was hesitant to take me their because she had made such an effort in getting these chicks. She told me the guy she got them from did not speak any English and lived in a ply wood shack. Since he did not understand what she wanted she did charades with him and that is the first story my mom is telling about in this video. In which she says she wants a chicken and the guy has no idea, so she makes her arms like chicken wings, and flaps them around while making chicken noises. Then she wanted him to know that she wanted one boy and one girl. So she points to her crotch and draws out a penis and other actions and ya you get the idea. Anyway what ended up happening was I found the guy and mom was right he spoke no English. I tired to get him to tell me which hen these chicks came from. He had no clue what I wanted. So I also started to speak in charades to him making body gestures and sound effects. Then I got the idea to point to this hen or that one which one? “ya ya” he said, to every chicken, I bent down to check other potential chicken mothers and the baby chicks in my hand, ended up escaping, and I found myself crawling on the dirt floor of this guys shack trying to catch two chicks. As he kept on repeating the words “ya ya ya.” I turned around to see what he was doing only to find to my surprise that he had his hand in his pants he was clearly masturbating. I had rushed out of the house to find my mom that I did not think about what I was wearing, which was tight tiny yoga shorts and short amazon halter top that made my cleavage play peek-a-boo. I was so grossed out and shocked that I just ran away right at the time I saw the chicks running to their mother and the mother taking her babes into her feathers wings welcoming them back.
My mom was around the corner waiting for me and I was kind of mad at her for having me go to this perverts place on my own. Surely she could have helped me identity the mother, but no my mother was too embarrassed because she had made such a fuss in order to get him to give her those chicks; now she had to give them back, her pride could not handle this. And she had no idea he was going to spontaneously masturbate like that either.
After that fiasco I decided to stop by and let the other guy named Cadek, know that he no longer has to get a rabbit for us that Diego does not want one.
“Oh but we already got it,” he said.
“I’m sorry but your going to have to take it back.”
“ Its too late.” he said.
Fast forward about a week later just a day before Oggo Oggo and the day of silence holiday also known as Nyepi in Bali was about to take place.
I found myself walking by Cadek’s place again; I like to see what new interesting animals he has. I was with my mother we were walking around his yard when suddenly I saw on the table a black fluffy baby bunny laying down and right beside this baby bunny was a huge machete. I immediately got worried for the rabbit because I know before this holiday they sacrifice so many animals 2 of each species especially black animals. They also sacrifice one of each plants and trees for this stupid holiday. I was so worried for this little bunny that I immediately wanted to get it away, but I could not steal it, I had to ask. “
“Please, I said, can I burrow this rabbit for a bit I want to take it to show Diego?”
“Oh all right, they said, this is the rabbit we got for Diego, you see it looks just like Diego, you see all black?”
“Yes,” I said, I see.
“But you say Diego no wants now, so its ours, we gave it to our kids as a present.” “Yes, I said, I just want to burrow it, I will be right back.” (side note these are the same people that Diego used to live with that had that banana fiasco that I shared about earlier on in this blog.)
I brought the bunny home to show Diego. I did not hide it or anything from him this time. No more secrets and surprises I had learned my lesson, for that month at least. “Look Diego if you were a rabbit this is how you would look.”
He took the bunny into his arms and then brought her to garden giving her flowers, and dressing her in flowers on her head. He made these cute little flower hats for her and she would do what she could to get the flowers off and eat them. Diego then dressed her in fallen leaves as if Elves dressed her, but she shook them off and ate them to as if they were potato chips. We both fell for her pretty fast. We did not want to give her back, so we decided to ask if we could borrow her just until after the holidays and the family reluctantly agreed.

I should probably tell you guys more about this holiday. The first one Oggo oggo is all about monsters. Each village has to make their own monster to display in a parade and compete for the title of best monster. The winner of this competition gets their monster burnt in the temple of sacred fire, (what a prize).
The locals are very imaginative with these monsters, they go into great detail, some of the monsters have sound effects, others have lights, and steam, the female monsters have individual pieces of hair in their arm pits and crotch. I can imagine this must have been painstaking to make something with such detail. The monster that won that day was a giant warthog that had lights steam and sound effects, it also had this lovely metal but hole guard for what I do not know. And also its penise was done in great detail fully erect and some white rope at the tip to indicate ejaculation. Wow they thought of everything and eww.
Diego has some film of previous Oggo oggo days in his 7 hour documentary the Dormant awaken and there is video footage of this particular oggo oggo day in our short lived reality series that I will talk more about and share the link in the next blog. I remember my mom and Eo did not like Oggo oggo day that much, they thought it was weird.

The reason they have this holiday is because according to Balinese legend that on the island next to Bali, there is a monster that lives there, and for some mysterious reason that monster comes to Bali once a year. It’s always on the same day and just for one day, he walks around the whole island of Bali looking for people, and if he sees anyone its very bad luck. So the Balinese solution is to have a holiday to show their respect to the monster and the next day, the day that the monster is supposed to be in Bali, the locals all hide in their house and try to be as silent as possible; hence why this holiday is called the day of silence. All the stores are closed that day. Electricity is not aloud to be used, no noise, no music, no movies, no sex, no nothing. I have no idea what the locals actually do that day.
The locals take this holiday so seriously that even the airports are closed that day. You cannot fly into Bali during the day of silence, no way. There is great effort to make sure all tourists are informed about this day so as to make sure even they do not leave their house or make any noise. The locals have also gone to the trouble to build all their entrances of their house with a wall in front because according to them the monster can not turn right or left so the wall is there for him to crash into and turn around thus keeping the family safe. I imagine this monster to move around like ‘Pac-man’ or something. All of this is done so as to fool the monster to make it think that no one lives on this island that it is totally empty.
Now I know what your thinking, how do the locals make sure no one goes out that day? Good question, they have some pre selected special police who do this ceremony that they believe makes them invisible to the monster so they can walk around freely on the streets making sure no one is out that day, if anyone is seen outside by these invisible police then that person gets the blame for every bad thing that happens to Bali. In all this time which is 1000s of years no one has ever seen this monster but they are sure it is there and I am sure the police are glad to be invisible from it, but that also means to them that if they are invisible to the monster then the monster is invisible to them and this strange logic. (It’s the same idea they have for bathing in the ditch when they are there they believe to be invisible by everyone no one can see them yet I am not sure what they think when people stare at them as the go by.” This crazy thinking is the reason this holiday still continues on to inconvenience everyone to this day. It’s funny to think after so many years that this monster has never evolved to figure out how to turn right or left or even call the locals on the phone. I have to say however that I really like this day, because Bali is so noisy from 5am to 7pm its nice to have one day of serenity. I think it would be a good idea if every country in the world had a day of silence especially the western world countries. Here is some more information about this holiday.

My mom is a bit of rebel and actually tried to exit the house that day because she saw the officers and thought this day was a joke people were playing on her. To her if they can be outside she thoughts then so can I. However she did not get very far because she ended up going onto the main road and falling into a ditch and hurting herself; she tried calling for help but no one came so she helping herself out and hobbled back to her place.

After that holiday we had fallen in love with the rabbit and I decided that there is no way I would return this baby bunny. Diego understood and felt the same; he had changed his mind about having an animal friend. So I went to visit the owners with out the rabbit saying, “I do not want to give it back can I pay you for her?”
To which they reluctantly agreed but where before I would have had to pay $3 for her the price had now gone up to $7.

I had no idea that this bunny would be so unique. I would have many funny experiences with her that I will share for the next blog. Here is a video I made with Ghonjies or Ghonja-bahr which was the name we gave her, where I share some of the stories about her being a very unique rabbit.-

When my mom came over the day after the holidays I was eager to tell her the news and introduce her to Ghonjies, because I was getting tired of her constant reminder that I was getting older and should reconsider having kids with Diego. So I said, “here mom you wanted us to have kids and we instead got a rabbit, so say hello to your grandchild.”
At that time we did not know the rabbit was a girl. Nor was I around when my mom and Eo where spending time with the rabbit. Apparently like me my mother likes to interview animals and ask them nonsense questions. I am very used to doing this in a lot of my videos and in this video. There is also a part in this video that Eo films of my mom talking with the rabbit, its filmed like a Charlie Brown cartoon in which you can not see my moms head just her holding the baby rabbit asking it questions about its sex life. I did not edit out anything so you get to see this video totally raw and uncut if this does not give you an idea of my moms eccentricness I do not know what will, and no she is not acting she is really like this and will say things like this in public.
And the last part of the video she shares another story of a road trip we did in which the car is breaking down and she thought we were going to die.

k) Video I did with Eo after my mom Left
Another video that I did that I want to share is with Eo and I have a Funny conversation about my moms visit to Bali. This was done shortly after my mom left back to Canada. I did show this video to my mom but she really does not like that we expose her, she really rather hide in her old school ways. Oh that’s right I forgot mothers never fart. She has such an old fashion pride with this, not me though, I am more then proud to admit that I fart. My mom cannot understand how I can be ok to admit something like this and even be proud of it. After all its entire not lady like but I do not care, it’s very amusing to me as no one ever suspects me as a farter. (more about this fascinating topic and how Diego feels about this in another blog, I’m sure it will take up a whole chapter.)
I really enjoyed making and watching this video and I think you will to. Shortly after we made this video Eo left back to Australia the more I dismantled the more me and him drifted apart as he could no longer relate with me.


Chapter 22: Just Say No to Hope, Lest it Make You Into a Dope

For some reason near the end of my moms visit to Bali she became more determined to convince us that new age and religion was a good thing. But rather then having an intellectual conversation about this in which she could think about what she was saying. She would instead be stealth and sneak up to our house and randomly leave books for us. One book we found that mysteriously showed on our table one day was a book by Deepak Chopra/Cobra. The book was titled The 7 Laws to Spiritual Success. Diego opened this book up and immediately started pointing out and dissecting the book and all its absurdities of the content and the speaker.
“It’s all about hope, he said, and hope is a bloody drug that must be exposed for the violence and hebetude it creates.”
“I sensed this from you Diego but I could not put my finger on it. I felt you were trying to destroy hope and I did not know why. But now I can see what your getting at a bit. Its not an easy thing for a person to grasp since people have been so heavily conditioned to love and promote hope. They do not know that its like dope that makes a person into a dope that is being unable to think. We have to try to explain this to people. They need to understand this trap rather then having people judge you as evil or something for sharing something crucial and unpopular as this.”
“It’s been the story of my life, Diego said, I am used to it. I have tried to explain this so many times before though, but ok, I will try again.”
“Ok Diego elaborate more on hope so people can understand better so I can help articulate this to public as well.”

“So often hope works like quicksand: Diego began,
one hopes to get out of the swamp of suffering.
But the more he moves, the more he sinks down.
The problem inherent in hope is not really hope in itself.
The problem in hope is that so often there is hope, even desperate hope.
But there is no awareness of the process of thinking that activated that hope to begin with.
Hope comes from suffering, from psycho-existential pain, from despair and desolation, from depression and discomfort.
It doesn’t come from intelligence.
Can we be aware of that?
Can we be aware of this little detail, which is as well one of the very fulcrums of all mental disorder?
Can we?
By repeating it:
suffering cannot bring intelligence:
there can be an intelligent understanding of suffering when suffering is over and that’s a good thing.
But suffering, the very moment when it comes to the psyche doesn’t imply intelligence; it actually pushes it away.
So hope is the result of suffering and suffering does not bring about intelligent thinking. This actually means that hope, being the result of a non-intelligent thinking must be unintelligent as well.
Considering the magnitude of what I just reported, here’s comes the long history of humanity which has been merely the history of suffering manifested in so many useless and cruel forms and therefore: the history of hope as well that has been manifested through so many useless and futile stratagems. Whether: religiously, spiritually, ideologically, philosophically and so on. There are so many stratagems, the construct of which has been maybe pretty well articulated but petty in its very essence because it has been nothing but the result of a lack of intelligence perpetrated in the name of self and collective escapism.
So we invented: a heaven, the 72 virgins after death, the kundalini’s paradise and the nirvana, the valhalla, the divine, the sacredness and the enlightenment whatsoever and several ideologies, from illuminism to positivism, from marxism to capitalism but nothing ever worked.
We are the result of hope our life how it is today is the result of hope, politics and so on all came from hope and that is not a good thing, that is not progress.
Hope came from drugged intelligence and that’s the reason why we are simultaneously the most advanced intelligence in the planet and the most confused, stupid, messed up and cruel at the same time.
Paradoxically; hope brings about cruelty indeed because hope is merely distractive opium to our intelligence.
Here comes the big deal, and the big deal is to avoid all distraction, especially when the brain faces psycho-existential suffering.
Can the psyche wholly comprehend its own struggle avoiding the act of thinking about it through the opiate and conditioned fever of hope? Can we do that?
Because if a mind fully liberates itself from hopes, then such mind liberates itself from all distractions, from the procrastination of thinking from all illusion
and whatever the situation is, whatever the psychological suffering is the very exit of that suffering will manifest itself as the flowering of intelligence and not as the product of everlasting misty hopes.
And even when one is lucky and the hope one has been desiring so badly comes exactly as like one has expected then that person should be honest enough to admit to themselves that while maybe hope brought some more convenient circumstances of living in any case hope hasn’t dissolved psychological confusion.
Therefore very soon what’s luckiness today will transform itself into fear of losing it tomorrow therefore leading to: protectiveness, suspiciousness, inner tensions, latent anxiety and silent nervousness and that’s violent because it’s the germ of self-authority. What’s more important? Hope? Or intelligence liberated from all conditionings? You cannot have both, just one or the other, its up to you.
We must think about these things if we want to evolve psychologically.”

Often when Diego talks, it feels like he is not just talking to me but it is as if there are many people around. I cannot help but think oh more people have to hear him talk.
“I really think you’re on to something here Diego, but if I try to explain this on my own I do not think I will do a very good job. So how about we do a video about this so people can understand this and us better?”
In this video we also introduce together for the first time the EOF project of us working on it together. This is around the time where the project started to be conceived, and where I started to show an interest in wanting to be a part of this project, but I will get more into this in the next blog.
Hope VS Fear: Why Fear Always Defeats Hope & What You Can Do About It


Chapter 23: Diego’s Younger Years

The more I learned about Diego the more curious I became how he became the way he is. Did something happen to make him this way or was he always this way? When extraordinary people share their life story, they usually have an extraordinary life as well but if you ask Diego he will tell you, nothing special happened to him to make him how he is. His life and family was societies typical normal for lack of a better term. Diego may have had a normal typical upbringing but it was still extraordinary and very interesting because he being who he is makes it extremely interesting and unique it is definitely something worth sharing, and will be sharing a little portion of his life in chronological order for now on in my up coming blogs.
I remember how it first came up where he really got into his childhood in a way I could better grasp and put the pieces together.
I remember that night so well, it was early in when my mom was still here in Bali and Joakim and Nori to, we were all having a dinner, Diego had made his specialty, the only thing he knows how to cook which is pasta with black pepper cream cheese and tuna. He does not like help or anyone in the kitchen; he just likes to do his thing as quick as possible though eating and cooking to him is mostly an inconvenience. The pasta did not take long to make he served everyone and then himself last. Then he and my mom got into a conversation.
It did not take long before my mom started fluttering in her chair like an animated hen floundering to hold her own with such a sharp individual and my mom being an intellectual herself was giving it her all as usual, every time she talked with him, as if it was a competition.
Meanwhile as that was going on there was this a big fat blue gecko whose name was Gregory he was lurking right above my moms head hanging his butt off the ceiling dangling it back and forth so as to reach its target. Diego saw it first, he saw where I was looking and started smiling his knowing smile as we knew exactly what was going to happen next because just a few days ago that same gecko tried to do the same thing but Diego warned me right before it could aim and fire. Joakim and Nori then saw what I was laughing at and they both smiled, and none of us said anything to my poor mom who continued to squawk her beliefs, her opinions and what she had read. I know I could have warned her but I just could not resist this moment. The gecko then pooped on her and she was like, “what in the heck was that?” and she ran to the bathroom as the gecko got her right down her shirt. We all burst into laughter. When mom came back after washing and inspecting herself she continued her debate with Diego but this time she was constantly looking up to see if the mischievous gecko would return for a sequel for him to find other to purposely poo on every chance he can get. LOL.
I said, “do not worry mom here in Bali to have a gecko crap on you is considered a sign of good luck, you’re the chosen one.
“To which my mom whined, “really, I do not feel so lucky.”
About a half hour after that incident my mom was sharing one of her stories she stopped in the middle because she saw Diego with his shirt over his mouth, she thought this was strange so she said to him,
“I’m sorry, but Diego are you eating your shirt?”
Diego politely and softly responded saying, “yes sometimes I like so much the taste of it.”
“Really?” she asked?
“Yes, when I was a kid I used to eat my clothes and even my bed sheets. It really bothered my mother because she always had to replace them. Not just that I also would sweat sulpher and turn the sheets yellow or other times I would wake up and my bed had claw marks in them like some animal was scratching around.”
“Ah ha, I said, so that is why our sheets are yellow and have claw marks in them as if I’m sharing a bed with Wolverine from The X-men. Those slashes are huge, sometimes I wake up to find the bed sheets shredded on his side and I wonder what the heck happened here? One bed sheet had been totally destroyed by mysterious shredding and sulphur stains. To this day I still do not quit know when ever I ask him he just has a small knowing smile on his face and says nothing.
My mom seemed to ignore what was just said and continued on with her first question.
“But your clothes and bed sheets what a strange thing to eat, good grief, I can not even imagine, your poor mother. I mean I do not know what I would do if any of my kids did anything as strange as that?”
“Yes, she and in school the teachers got annoyed with me because I never had any pencils or pens to write with, because I always ate them.”
“Really, you ate led and ink to?” I asked.
“Yes, it was very tasty.”
“But what the heck Diego, how can you eat that? I mean I thought we were always told that that stuff was poisonous?”
“Meh, he said, it never seemed to bother me and never made me sick. I also ate two of my school textbooks.”
“Well, I said, it beats the old excuse my dog ate my homework, because this is no excuse, as I am sure your teacher saw you eating everything but could not get you to stop. But seriously did you really you eat the whole textbook even the cardboard?” “Yes, he said, but my favorite thing to eat in school was, oh they were so tasty, I don’t think they make them anymore, they used to have these blue erasers they were the best.”
“My goodness my mom said, you are sure a strange one, my daughter sure can pick them.”
“So Diego you were always a unique seahorse even when you were a kid eh? I wonder what it was like when you were a kid? I said and then Diego began to share more about his younger years.

Diego grew up in Venice Italy (though his background is Egyptian and Hungarian) in a house that had 40 rooms which was shared with other relatives but still it was not enough to fill all the rooms and so many sat empty. Diego never felt the need to explore the many rooms like most kids would feel inclined to do. He felt that having a house with so many rooms not being used as a total nonsense and utterly stupid. Yes even at such a young age Diego thought very much the same as how he does now. He really has not changed at all his passion and understanding is still the same. Even when it came to his first word, which is something, his parents told him about.
Now picture this a baby with spiked black hair, sunglasses, a little goatee under his mouth and a cigarette perhaps a glass of wine or can of bear in his hand. (Ok I am kidding here but it’s the only way I can imagine Diego as a little kid, though in truth he was blond haired as a baby then his hair went dark much later on. And he started to drink wine at the age of 2.) Anyway back to my visual, picture a baby Diego and a proud momma and papa that are excited for it is that moment where their baby will say his first word, everyone is silent waiting and then the words came but what he said was not expected by his parents at all in fact they were not sure they heard him right, but it did not matter little Diego repeated himself and he would repeat this his entire life to them. And the words were exactly this, “mother, father your stupid. Mother father why are you so stupid?” Little Diego was not being mean; he sincerely wanted to understand even at a young age why people were so stupid? Why did his parents fight so much? When I say fight I do not mean physical fight but argument fight, all the time over anything and everything such as the dishes or what ever, not a day went by with out a fight/argument and when their was not something to fight about they invented something. Diego asked his parents, “but what is the point of fighting/arguing how does that lead to understanding and real communication?” He was curious, he sincerely wanted to know, but every-time he asked his mom or dad why they were so stupid?
They seemed to have had no idea what to say in response to that.
If he asked, “why did they fight/argue all the time?”
His parents said, “You will understand when you’re older,” was all they said.
Well now he is older and he is still trying to understand. Or his parents would say, “We are doing it because we have to be responsible for you.
We are family and must stay together, and fighting is natural and what we do. We are making these scarifies for you, we do this because we love you and the family.” Diego always felt that its not normal to fight, it is not responsible at all, and nor did he ask his parents to sacrifice for him. Nor is it love, its really just an excuse his mother made to justify her life and the fights. “No this is not love or responsibility at all this is confusion. Diego would reply back. Doesn’t anyone care about why we are stupid and why we really fight?” And why did his parents always justify, excuse and defend their reason and need to fight? Why do we put fighting, or family or our ideas of love first rather then our own minds?
Little Diego pondered this to himself so many times. He also hated how right before his family were about to fight they would close all the windows because heaven forbid the neighbors would hear that they are not this perfect family they pretended to be after all. His family cared more what strangers thought of them then they cared about their own minds. Little Diego wanted to understand why people are so fake? Why do we nurture our fakeness, pretending to be ok when they are not, just so we can look good to others? His parents were not religious but in some ways they were because many of their petty beliefs stemmed from religion. If you ask Diego what he learned from his parents he would say, “nothing I only learned how to judge everyone and everything but I refused this kind of petty thinking.”

Even Diego’s older brother seemed to be caught in the families’ thoughtlessness so little Diego spent most of his time out in the garden. This he feels is what really saved him. He often says, “I was lucky because we had a huge garden and from there I could observe these strange animals commonly known as family constantly fighting in the house.”
Diego was outside in that garden all the time it did not matter what the weather was or the time of day. He would spend his time inventing his own toys, if was given new toys he would always take them apart dismantle them and make something new out of them, something more interesting to him, something unknown.
Diego also liked to play with fire his parents always told him not to do it because it’s bad but never explained why it was bad. They just expected him to follow and listen to them, to do as they said but Diego always rebelled towards any authority. Diego found out for himself why his parents were nervous about him playing with fire one day when he by accidently burnt his friend which was a tree in the garden. Why couldn’t his parents just inform him in that way rather then do not do this because we said so? How could they expect him to understand if their was no clear communication and how come his parents and older brother were so reluctant to think?
Diego never felt like they were his family, he felt more connected with the garden that felt more like family to him at least the plants, the animals and insects were not confused.
He also connected with his sister, whom was the family dog she was a boxer and rather then calling her by her name or treating her as a pet she was his sister to him, she was more a family member then the ones he lived in the house with. As the plants and his sister never fought about stupid things, just to fight-to-fight non-confusion became the things little Diego preferred to be with and craved the most.
He never even cared that his mother never even wanted him. Or that she tried to kill him by taking the morning after pill to which he says in dismay, “unfortunately it did not work and I was born. But I should not have been here, I’ m not supposed to be here; I was not supposed to be born.”
He could play for hours on his own totally captivated by his imagination and stories and games he invented. He did not really play with other kids, or watch T.V. and he never liked to read books as he felt they had lots of confusion and conditioning in them, instead he preferred the stories he came up with on his own. Diego never left the private world that we all had when we were kids, he refused to give it up like most do so to be loved, accepted and normal to his family and he never let their beliefs or ideals take away his serenity or make him into something he is not or would resent later. He was so content on his own; he could not understand this concept of loneliness. Loneliness is a hoax to him that only affected people caught up in conditioning.
He was very fascinated why people did not want to think, how come they do not even know how to think? Why do they only want to be told what to think? How could people give up their real treasures of their intelligence for such stupid beliefs? He pondered.

He remembers how his grandmother used to always say to him when she wanted him to stop doing something or to control him, again rather then explaining intelligently why he should stop she just said, “every-time your bad jesus cries.”
To which Diego would respond saying, “but grandma, I never met this jesus before. So why would he care what I do? I do not care what he does. Does he not have something better to do? If he cries, its his problem not mine. Surely he must be mentally ill and confused to cry over such a stupid reason as that, its also manipulation and control and thus I want nothing to do with another confused person or being, or god. Little Diego thought, if this is the logic that is used to control people then its seriously insane. How can people just believe this, accept this, even be paranoid go into fear with such existential illusory fears? And what kind of effect would this have on ones psyche? Surely thinking in this way for a long period of time would have disastrous results, on not just the mind, but the whole world, no creature would not be effected by such a confusion storm. If we make jesus more important then our mind, if we put him first then we will forever be caged in a limbo of idiotic psychotic authority. There can never be freedom by putting a jesus first, he realized to him this was clear so why couldn’t others see this?
He then could observe clearly how when people adopt a belief system that we are being psychologically suicidal as we let an accumulation of illusory thoughts and memories give us reason to commit suicide and to kill each other even go to war. Which is why so many go through with this, all because of a thought, a belief. How many people have died because of this? Even when it comes to suicide? What is it? Is it really suicide? What are its roots? It comes from adopting a belief system making it our identity this then sets a person into a psychological suicide in which we let an accumulation of illusory thoughts, ideas, beliefs give us reason to commit suicide and repress control even murder others. These findings were most shocking and disturbing to him.

Diego’s grandfather whom he would say was the closest with because he had a lot of fantasy and could tell such interesting stories and he was also a master of blasphemy, which Diego really enjoyed. He even converted his father to blasphemy, in which his father over heard little Diego saying, “god is a pig,” and his father overhead him and said, “Now Diego you should not say such things about god, its not good.”
To which little Diego responded with, “but why do you not think this god real or not has a sense of humor? If he is real and he created us hypothetically then how does it make sense that he gave us a sense of humor but he has none? Do you really think this god takes himself seriously or cares what we think of him? If he does then surely he must be a mentally ill and petty god. If he is such an advanced god as everyone claims, then he would not have a desire to be praised and worshiped as it very shallow and stupid. Indeed only stupid people have this desire to be praised and worshipped. What kind of god is he that he does not even care about his own mind or his children’s mind? That pretty sick and is the exact problem with parents today, they do not seem to care about our minds nor their own mind. And if he created everything even the pig, then if I say god is a pig, then I am not insulting him because everything he said to have created is perfect. That means the pig is perfect to thus its not an insult its only to our conditioned minds and fear of blasphemy that we think it is but we can now see how stupid this thought is.
And If god is not real then we are in psychological fear for nothing and fighting for nothing and so therefor we are free to say god is a pig all we like because then we invented this idea of god and it has made us into pigs that do not think, are greedy and nothing is ever enough, and so we suffer and struggle unnecessarily.”
Yes little Diego really said these things and did his best to get everyone to think, to get them to snap out of their conditioning, but he was always discouraged, always hearing from others, “ah what do you know your just a kid.”
Even his grandfather, though he had an amazing imagination it was only used for stories and nothing else, his grandfather never used his imagination like Diego knew it was there for. Its not their to make art or poetry, its a precise technology to unite all facets of the mind to build and link worlds. To get us to know and go beyond the visible the known, to help us to understand with out learning, its already all there after all, its not lost just buried under oceans of conditioning.
As he tried to get his grandfather to consider the possibility that their could be life in the sun something like fire whales maybe not in this realm but perhaps another one there are so many fields of life aside from carbon life. Why were people so reluctant to think of anything outside of what they were told, and that everything is about humans and the realms we only know of?

Diego always put his mind first, he was well aware of the damage beliefs, ideals and values would do, he observed all the traps of the mind until he knew them so well that peoples psychology was like clear glass to him. The more he understood the less limited he was, but yet more frustrated with people trying to get them to understand so as not to mess their life up.
But because he understood so much so early on it made people feel uncomfortable around him especially his mother. She simply did not know what to do with him. Diego does not have any hard feelings with his mom though they rarely talk; “its just there is nothing to say,” he says I tried talking with her many times. What is the point of talking and calling them family if there is no communication or understanding? Every-time he tried to talk with his mom or ask her a question she would just leave the room rather then think. She also always tried to control him with fear.
“Do not eat dirt, she said, or you will die.” Instantly little Diego picked up a huge handful of dirt put it in his mouth and ate it but he did not die. Another time she said, Do not eat the sand or you will die,” and again he immediately stuffed a handful of sand in his mouth, and he did not die. His mother would also take her anger out on him by destroying Diego’s favorite toys. Diego has a fondness to toys especially tiny toys but only in animal or monster form, he has a collection from his childhood that he takes with him wherever he goes and still plays with them.

Diego found his mother to be very petty and constantly wanting control and making fights about anything. This made being at home most unpleasant, his father was under a spell of his mother. So he rarely saw his father during his younger years because his dad was always working so as to appease his wife. To her, Diego’s father was a toy she could manipulate and make him do what ever she wanted, all the while being very cold to him and hopes kept making his father come back to the abuse and fight and psychological violence. All Diego learned from his mother was too judge look she said, “see that guy with tattoos he is most likely definitely a drug dealer or user” etc.
Today she is busy working on saving all her money though she is not poor, she has multiple properties, yet she acts like she is poor or can not spare a dime as she is saving every penny so she can build a huge memorial space for when she dies which to Diego is a total waste of money and absolutely ridiculous thing to do.
His mother never could buy him, and Diego never accepted any money from her.
Of course whenever he goes to visit her all she asks and wants to know is, “so what are you doing to make money? Couch-surfing what is that? Why would you want to host people for free rather then charging money?” It’s all she thinks and talks about which is totally boring and sickening to Diego.
She would also often ask little Diego pointless questions that he loathed such as “what do you want to be when you grow up?” This question bothered him a lot because it forced him to think in psychological time, which he knew was a trap, and also to think about an identity, which is also a trap. He saw how people always became their profession and when they were not longer able to their job how they used to they did not know who they were anymore and thus committed suicide. This question to him was like raping a child’s innocents. Why should he care what he is when he grows up? He will find out when he is grown up. Why can his mother not let him just play and let him be a kid? As he knew such questions takes a child out of their private world and into the fake insane limbo world that 98% of the population lives in. When he would say to his mom, “I just want to be me, or just think and observe, live my life with out an identity,” he would get back comments like, “oh your being arrogant.” So he would say instead just to make his mother leave him alone, “I want to be an inventor.” Then she said, “oh, what kind of an inventor?”
“I do not know we will see.”
Today I do see him as an inventor, an inventor of how to dismantle confusion and conditioning.

Diego’s older brother still lives at home with his mother. He is a momma’s boy, stuck under the spell of his mother. Although Diego’s brother is older then Diego, his brother looks to be much older then his actual age, his psychological stress has taken a tole on him.
He has also never been married, or has a romantic partner, and is doing a job he hates and lives in fear of leaving that job, as he does not know what he can do instead, so he says in his miserable job. He is also a germaphobe/hypercondriact like my ex boyfriend, such as washing their hands after touching anything. His brother is terrified of getting sick and constantly thinks that he is sick or has cancer or something so constantly (once every week) goes to the doctors only to find out he is always fine. Although Diego gets along fine with his brother there is still no understanding thinking or deep communication from him.

Diego prefers most his father from his immediate family, as his father became more liberated after his parents finally split up. His father rediscovered himself and did all the things he was not aloud to do before and has even managed to meet some nice woman, but none of them are really thinkers. His father is a simple kind of a funny man, who loves to talk fast and it’s mostly about random things that have nothing to do with anything. Diego cannot handle this for very long but makes an effort.

When Diego was about 6 he and his brothers were running around in a forest part of their yard that they do not usually go into, as it’s where his grandfathers brother lives. While Diego was running around he got cut on his leg from a piece of glass that was strategically placed in the yard to keep Diego’s grandfather away from his area. He did not consider that kids would be playing in that area, it seemed like the way the glass was set up, that it was there to purposely cause some serious harm. Diego had almost had his whole leg cut off from this glass, but he did not know he was hurt until he saw the blood coming through his pants; the blood dripped down and bubbling on the ground. (His blood is black and a kind of an acid, which is why no mosquitos will bite because they know if they do they will die its poisonous to them and all other diseases to though he is very interested in diseases and welcomes them in his body but is sad they can not live long with his blood, and I mean even the hard core diseases to, these do not phase him at all. Actually he has a strange way of dealing with illnesses but I will get into that in another blog.)
His mother made a huge fuss about his cut up leg saying, “oh my gosh he is going to lose his leg.” She just over reacting about the whole thing, trying to scare Diego into her paranoia, but Diego stayed calm and reserved about the whole thing. He did not even resent his grandfathers brother for hurting him in this way, like most people would. They would be angry or cautious and hold a grudge instead, Diego observed them both more closely. He watched how his grandfather and grandfathers brother fought over stupid things like a tree being on their side of the yard and making fences really high up then adding barb wire and booby traps. He thought are you kidding me? Am I really supposed to respect these people? Respect what their stupidity? Their authority title; do I really have to look forward to growing up to be like them?
No way would he ever let that happen. Diego never ever fought, he refused to fight and argue. He knew that the fights that happen at home nurture the fights and wars in the world; we drop psychological bombs first that lead to actual physical bombs in the world, all because of stupid illusory beliefs and imaginary psychological fears. All to protect their known and forever fight the unknown of life. Beliefs totally cripple the mind to think and see clearly what is going on, it makes a person only decode reality through fears no matter if they are good beliefs or not. Beliefs lead people in duality and to both inner and outer wars and violence, it never ever can equal understanding thus beliefs are the epitome of devolution, no mind or person can ever expect to evolve in this way.
I think everyone of us has fought and argued with people at one point or another in our life, we do it more then we like to admit. As much as we all hate fighting we seem to be addicted to it. No matter how we try to avoid it, or promise to ourselves never again. It always seems to come back and throw us into a mechanical non thinking state. Even when no one is around we make up excuses to fight with ourselves.
(I felt sick to my stomach thinking of all the fights and arguments I had with Diego, and how he never fed into any of it. His response was always him dumping a psychological cold bucket of water on my head, which is really unpleasant, though I can see why it must be done. But I had to admit it, I had to admit my patterns and how I, by fighting am contributing to the wars and insanity in the world. Yet the sickest part is that still even though we talked about this so much and I know this so well, still I find myself fighting, even to this very day, but at least its less and less. I can see its patterns better now and its also less intense like it was before, even not lasting as long as they were, before which is a relief but still not enough. I know I was not this much of a fighter before but my last relationship where I was constantly suppressed, manipulated and psychologically abused made me want to rebel and fight as much as I could, in hopes it would repel my ex from wanting to be with me, it just became a habit that I found came with me to my relationship with Diego.
I still had the virus in me, I’m still being violent and contributing to the wars to the world. I still have more dismantling to do. As it is clear there is still something I am missing, that I have not yet been able to understand, so as to dismantle this totally. Another thing that is shocking for me and the reason I share Diego’s younger years is to compare his childhood with mine and to make a point how so many say it depends on our childhood how much they are loved, so as to determine whether we will grow up to be less confused. I had a really nice childhood aside from the tragedies and poverty, my parents never fought/argued, they never drank or did any drugs and always had time for us. They never pushed their ideals on us either. However being in a family of 5 kids, all the siblings fought with each other, but not everyday and not like how it was for Diego growing up.
What I am getting at is it does not matter if we had a good family or not, we still get conditioned by family values which play a role on creating all kinds of havoc in our lives as we get older. Its not so much what we experienced or even if we had parents who loved us or not, its more so about how we perceived our experiences and family, were we able to be thinkers when we were kids or not? Do we let our past effect our minds to this day in a way that creates confusion and struggling or are we able to see more clearly because of what we experienced and observed when we were younger?
If we fight internal and with others then every time we do this we are contributing one drop to the immense tidal wave that builds up and crashes down on us leaving us in confusion of what the heck happened? Why did I fight again? Why can’t I stop it? The tidal waves are what make the wars in other countries, in other families and inside each of us, we are all responsible for the state of the world. Ideally it would be nice to stop the tidal waves and it is something we are working towards but in the mean time while living in this crazy world of constant conflict, strife and confusion it is suggested rather then try to fight or control the giant wave its best to learn how to surf it.)

-Not long after his first incident with his leg Diego endured another to that same leg in which a truck hit his knee and it became very sore and swollen again. After a month the pain finally went away and he was concerned that it would come back, he held onto these thoughts before he went to sleep which made his thoughts muddled as he was thinking it was the other leg, so when he woke up he found that is other knee was inflamed. But when he realized that was not his original wounded leg the inflammation and pain immediately disappeared. So Diego saw first hand how physical pain and psychological pain is linked to psychosomatics and psychological fear and confusion.

Another interesting thing that happened to Diego when he was very young was a dream he had in which he was playing with his lego and their in his toy chest appeared a lego jesus and he told Diego that he must believe in him. Now most people even kids would see this as a sign that jesus is real and that they must give their life to him. But even at such a young age Diego knew that the jesus frequency was permeated in the either all around him as this is what beliefs do they create an unconscious radio field that even intercepts people who do not believe in christ or whatever else belief, to think wow he came to me I need to convert. Its just one of the many belief radio stations in the either, he knew if enough people believed in teddy bears that a teddy bear would appear to people, and they would most likely make it into a god of some sort. Also he says dreams are not what they seem or how our conditioned mind interprets them, if people give to much merit to their dreams they will again be trapped by these ideas/ideals and thus another limbo.

Another time while Diego was in kindergarten playing legos he was building this huge structure. He was not sure what he was trying to make, so he just kept building waiting for it to come to him. Then this bully kid came by and just destroyed what he was creating. Then the bully looked at him waiting for his reaction waiting for him to cry. But he did not cry because this bully actually helped him to realize what he actually wanted to do. he said, “I did not want to build after all I wanted to dismantle and destroy all structures of psychological confusion architecture that we create. I was so happy about this realization. The bully did not expect this response at all and actually was the one who ended up crying.”

Diego’s first experience in school he was excited as the concept meant that they would help to explain to him all this confusion and why the world is so messed up, this is what he thought but was disappointed to find out that no one talked about confusion or was even willing to understand it. He was just expected to do as he was told repeat what the teachers wanted him to say. School was about learning not understanding, and being told what to think rather then how to think. At first the teachers told him that in school he would be able to explore his imagination, wow finally he thought school is now interesting. But he soon found this was very limited in which imagination was reduced to flimsy crafts that were not promoting intelligence at all in fact just the opposite, not just that it seemed designed to rape and kill the child’s imagination. He also surprisingly really did not like mathamatics as it was not real math, this math was fake and linear according to him. He also really did not like philosophy and gym. When he asked the teachers or tried to get them to think about what they were teaching. On how it did not make any sense, the teachers would either get upset with him or they would be intrigued. Some would even agree and say, “Yes but there is nothing we can do, as this how we are to teach. If we do not then we lose our jobs.” But most of the time none of the teachers bothers to understand what Diego was trying to say as they were already too heavily conditioned. Despite Diego being extremely frustrated and annoyed with how stupid school was he still was a pretty good student and passed everything easily.

You would think that a very unique kid like Diego would get picked on in school by bullies but he never was because he was just too strange for them to the point they were kind of nervous of him. (Diego said, “its kind of like how you jess told me when you used to work at the animation studio and you had to walk past these very dangerous areas. Where as when most walked through that area, they would get jumped by thugs. So you came up with a strategy to sing really loud off key and be more weird then the weird, so whenever the thugs saw you they immediately crossed the street to get away from you to avoid you at all costs. You represented the unknown and they did not want to go there, you were not projected fear so they were not interested to even consider you. Well that is why I never got picked on in school as well.”
He also had lots of friends, but they were mostly girls, he preferred the company of girls as they were more sensitive and perceptive then most boys, they were also better able to communicate and more willing to understand.

For the first 10 years of his life he had a very bad stuttering problem, people had to wait forever for him to say one sentence, most of the time people had no patience and would just walk away to which Diego would say, “I’m sorry lets try again.” He said it so perfectly and fluently to the point that people thought he was faking it, this was very frustrating to him. When he was a baby he also took a long time to speak, and when he did speak it was stuttering speech. It was not till the age of 12 that he had to do this presentation in front of the class and the teachers knew that he had a stuttering problem so they said, “you do not have to speak instead you can write your presentation on the chalk board.” but Diego said, “no, I want to speak,” and he did the whole presentation fluently sharing how the whole education family religion political systems were totally stupid. And after that Diego never stuttered again, he ended up shocking everyone in the room.
When he told me this I felt that Diego was faking his stuttering and he admitted to it yes again it was psychosomatic. But even more then that, as a young kid I would imagine him to be very frustrated especially with his family to the point in which he must have thought. What is the point of speaking if no one is willing to listen or understand? What’s the point of speaking just for the sake of speaking with out thinking before hand, fully and deeply? Its seemed to him that’s all people did, they just spoke not because they had something to say but just to say something. No one seemed to really listen, their minds were too busy in conditioning that all they could do was wait for the other person to stop speaking, so they could say what they wanted to say, its all very mechanical and empty. So he came up with a way to avoid speaking or having to get involved in his families silly quarrels. This was the same case in school, he saw how confused everyone was, even the kids. How quickly they became conditioned. So Diego did not see the point to speak to them either.
(It’s also interesting to note- how people like Einstein and others who are very intelligent have also been said to either have stuttering problems or not speak in their early years.) He did not want to be a speaker and focus on his speech like everyone else as that seemed to make people even more confused; instead he wanted to be a thinker. And that is what he did; he had ten years to be a thinker. To give full energy and attention to his mind and the relationship that was going on there. To the point that when he finally decided to speak these first crucial years of a child’s life had set him up to always be a thinker thus avoiding conditioning even when his grandparents brought him to church. He observed how kids would first pretend they were catholic then after a month of playing that pretend game, they lost themselves totally and were not able to stop pretending. They let the belief virus take them over fully and they became lost just like that. If you pretend for too long you get lost to the belief forever.
I will end this chapter with Orientation number one from book one which is available on our website for purchase, if anyone is interested. Since it is about Diego’s thinking when he was a child so its very fitting for this chapter and to give you a better idea of his thinking and how he came to his understanding that he now shares. There are also exercises for you to try and sets us up for the next blog.

There was a game I used to play when I was a kid. It was nothing special. It wasn’t even a real game, but more a trick of the eye and a trick of the mind. The trick was observing an area of grass from above. By relaxing my focus and by turning away my mind visually from the obvious, like blades of grass, I found it gave me a more panoramic, deep, penetrating and thorough vision of the whole scene beyond what I saw at first. Then, movements of other types of thin or flat grass beneath the main clumps of grass became clearly visible. After a while, a multitude of little bugs, insects, flies, ants and almost microscopic creatures became visible to my eyes and brain, just like what happens when you look through a stereogram or a magic eye picture where a three-dimensional image is hidden within a two-dimensional pattern. It’s only when your vision relaxes that you can see what is hidden.
There was another game I used to play. This one was a bit more intense and complex. This game had to be played before sleep, when I was under the covers and the light was turned off. This way, my body and mind joined while I was relaxing, and the passages, which lead us from one reality to, another began to blend into each other. When you are a kid the mind is fresh, and there aren’t so many struggles or conditions placed on the mind, which disturb peace and focus. When I found myself in this relaxed place I would fantasize by imagining a place I knew, like the door of a room, and from that place I would move beyond, letting my imagination flow spontaneously, creating architectures of new realities. It was just a kid’s imagination, someone might say. But, I do remember very well how my imagination would run wild, like a chained dog that had been set free to run around, satisfying its curiosity. My own imagination was spontaneously creating details, landscapes, objects, colors and shapes in an extremely realistic way and without any effort on the part of the brain. And all those projections and creations were totally unknown to me.
When the mind has a vision, something that is outside of its own realm of memory or experience, the mind isn’t able to recognize the difference between what it created and what is from the outside world. Meaning, the mind is not able to differentiate between what we perceive through our imagination and what is actual experience, such as empirical experience or a posteriori. This is the reason why sometimes we feel things in an etheric way, and this sensation manifests concrete and tangible feelings within our psyche. At the same time, our mind is not able to decode these feelings, but instead creates a limited intellectual translation of them or even no translation at all. The problem today is that as an adult the psyche is too busy constantly figuring out how to survive, too busy devising stratagems to follow, stratagems for facing the thing we call ‘life,’ which is mostly a heap of lies. The problem of today is we are too busy concocting and managing what we have been told to concoct and manage.
We have been told that life is hard; that reality is a competitive realm; that god is watching us just as police cameras do; that we should fear death; that responsibility and a life spent making money and building an identity are the same thing; that psychological protection is required to keep the mind stable in the illusory status quo; that imagination is a tool for people who are psychologically weak, fragile and trying to escape reality. We are also told imagination is just a quality that enables us to write down poetry, or paint, or compose music, or something to be used in our “free” time.
Our own understand of ourselves remains something even more mysterious than the knowledge of “god.” It’s true that we know more about ‘god’ and all his religious dogmas, than we know of ourselves. Understanding ourselves has even become something to fear, as we fear becoming mentally ill. Isn’t it true this is the life we are living today? The fact is our psyche has been programmed to think in a linear way meaning the past, present and future are the psychological geometry in which we walk and try not to stumble. And the tiles of the linear platform upon which we walk are all of our programmed conditions, whether religious, dogmatic, ethical, moral, rhetorical, social, ideological, etc… That’s the reason why people say you should walk on the “straight path,” right?
If we look at a business plan and how to achieve a good business strategy and marketing plan we have to create a kind of mind map which is a collection of interconnected ideas that make things more comprehensible. If we don’t have a plan we aren’t being efficient, right? The mind map is basically the game I was playing as a kid by observing the grass and all the movement around it. I did this all by using my imagination. But as adults the mind map has become a business plan aimed at making a thing, which is one of the major hallucinations of mankind, a collectively accepted thing called money.
In this way it is clear to see how we have lost the unconditional ability to think, see, decode and understand spontaneously through a mind map vision of the reality within and outside of our psyche. Our psyche has been corrupted, programmed and educated to think in and through ideas suggested by our very conditioning. The goal of this programming is to preserve a straight, stiff and linear mind (psycho) path. And because of this psycho-path we constantly need new drugs to condition the mind. These drugs include things such as dogmas, laws, religious practices, rules and moral guidelines. And the glue, the coagulant and asphalt of such a psychotic and pathological way of life is always fear.
The reason why scientists keep struggling to discover what consciousness is (consciousness is one of the top ten things scientists are still unable to explain) and why religious people simply follow ideas they cannot question is because while our intellectual memories are contained within our brain, our emotional memories live within the vibration of our DNA. This is the reason why cases have been reported where people who had heart or other transplants had memories that did not belong to them, but belonged to their donors. There exists codes within the DNA, vibrations that are directly connected with our perception and understanding, and this is an emotional psyche, which exists beyond the intellectual one. Those codes can only be awakened through our own imagination and perception. So, to avoid a future – which, unfortunately, is a direction in which many are traveling – where humans will become no more than artificial intelligences living within an intellectual nightmare of rules, mechanics of religion, and legislated spirituality, where humans no longer live as a spirit producing emotions and evolving psychologically, we must turn away from the so-called “straight path.” Now, more than ever, we must urgently turn away from this psycho-path we have been told to follow. We have to do that by a fully honest, profound and intense awakening and by realizing and observing all the conditions and fear with which we have been programmed. We must have the psyche, the emotional mind and the intellectual mind all unified, all coexisting and working together unconditionally towards liberation. It is time to take back our mind maps from the financial books and from the business plans and operate within our own understanding. We need a total eradication of all structures in order to see the poisonous bugs that are affecting our psychological freedom. Psychological freedom is the best and only natural existential insecticide we must use in order to clean up our minds from the prisons we have created for ourselves.

This concludes Bali blog part 4. In the next blog part 5 titled The Brith of the EOF Project for the months of May to Sept 2013. Now I can finally get into how this project came about which is also the same time as my dismantling and detoxing of my mind process really started to come into my awareness and take effect which would greatly altered my thinking even more so as all that I had been experiencing and hearing seeped more into my head. There are still so many more pieces of the puzzle to add and put together and see how they fit.
Also there will only be 2 or 3 more blogs for the Bali series. Then I will move onto The Canary Island series.

Links to photos at this time are here

And Diego’s youtube channel for those that are interested is here

Thank you for reading, if you liked this blog please share feel free to share it. Please feel free to leave a comment or send me a letter with your thoughts on my blogs, as feedback is very welcome. Donations are also very appreciated, as I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is to write something like this. Also coming soon audio versions of the Bali blog series.


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Bali Blog 3 – What if Love is not the Final Destination? –the events of my life for the months Oct Nov 2012

Bali Blog # 3 the events of my life for the months Oct Nov 2012 – What if Love is not the Final Destination? (unedited version if your interested in editing for me PM me. This blog is 12 chapters 70 pages) (This is a continuation blog for a better understanding on the content it’s suggested you read part 1 and 2 as well.) For the word document version PM me


 Note- This is my most shocking blog yet, I almost toned it down so as to be more digestible but after sharing it with a few people and seeing their reaction even though yes they were extremely shocked they were also intrigued and willing to understand and inquire deeper so I decided to leave it as is. If its too shocking for you I suggest you read this in small doses or very slowly so as to digest and assimilate the how’s and why of dismantling time and space and what that looks like in all venues of our life even relationships. I am sharing this so that others can better get to know Diego and I, the behind the scenes of our private personal life. In this way I feel that perhaps people can better understand how and why I have changed so much and for others to also witness through me the events that happened that lead up to the birth of the EOF project. What exactly the EOF is and what we are wanting to accomplish and who feels called to be a part of it even if its not for the faint of heart.

 As long as I can remember I always wanted to see a movie or story that was not cliché a story that had the balls and fantasy to think of something beyond good and evil and love stories all the time. I was restless I knew there was more beyond that. When I proposed this idea for others to think about. The response would always be “Oh such a story with out those elements would be boring.” (But it’s boring always doing the same thing to, and it greatly handicaps our imagination as well. It’s even suspicious to think we are not even allowed to think past those things with out others discouraging you.)

 This is also how we see life with our unconscious addiction to drama we fear with out it life would be boring and we perceive/believe from the conflict and struggle with such dualities in us that after we come through it we have grown and lived more in some ways but that is a total fallacy. Which I will elaborate more about later as it’s a major factor of understanding the EOF project. The fact that we secretly love drama, conflict fear and fight and that we actually hate peace how we do what ever we can to destroy peace, starting right in our own psyche each and everyday of every moment of life. As soon as the movie is over we want more of the same story, same characters give us the sequel the prequel and the sagas. What more conflicts and drama superficial love stories can the psyche writers conceive of? So there I was always thinking about movies and stories beyond duality, beyond love, beyond that what is cliché. What they would be like or even look like, and lo and behold I ended up living a life of what I always wanted to see on screen, which is something different something unknown. Not just that my life has decided to get into the mechanics the nitti gritty of why there is duality and love clichés, and why we can not get past it; the paradox of it, such as not wanting the cliché life and love but wanting it at the same time. This is a pattern we must be aware of that lives inside us, which can make some serious havoc in our life, not to mention that fight and confusion that is brewed and fueled from within.

 That being said, for that reason alone, I want to apologize for the end of the last blog Bali # 2. I ended it in a cliché way, I must confess I did that purposely as to make you guys think you know the story, and us, what we are about, and what will happen next. I wanted to pull the rug from under your feet like what Diego did with me. As at first it started like a cliché love story, but soon became anything but. I wanted you guys to experience it the same way I did. I want these blogs to feel like I am right there with you reading them to you or explaining you the whole events. I always liked that idea and thus it helps us to be even closer more intimate and especially even more so with ourselves to. Also I do not like segregation with genres stories like life must have all the elements all the genres not just one or the other its more honest that way not to mention it assists in breaking down the walls of how we do things and the freedom to do things as we rather, there must be freedom when we wright and share to me. So in hopes that when you write about your life your able to feel free enough to share as you want not what is expected of you.

 The other thing I want to mention before we start is this illusive thing called love. I often wrote that I suspected that no one seems to know what it is we have ideas of how it is or what it is but not what it actually is and perhaps that is why we get so tripped up in life. So many ideas flutter about and when we think about it realistically we know its ridiculous but yet we still entertain those thoughts such as love being the final destination. That the story ends once we found our other half that it is our sum total and main purpose in life. Then when we find someone that we think fits our ideal we try to live a happily ever after.  But life is not exactly like that but we still entertain these thoughts why? So many seem to get stuck in this box and are not able to inquire past this love concept. In this blog we will explore more on this via my own life story and all that transpired and why I have changed so much to get me into this frame of thinking and realizations I now share. I also get a kick out of people telling me they know someone like Diego cause I seriously doubt it.  At some point when I figure out the best way to do it I do plan to make these blogs available on audio I will sit down and read them all out loud, for anyone who is interested. Also remember these blogs are continuations so to better understand its highly suggested to read the previous blogs as well.

 This particular blog is all about what we think is the final destination is not that at all, some things we think are a final destination is love, death, god, success and enlightenment all of that will be dissected here.



Chapter: 1 The Evolution of my Dreams


It was nighttime in Bali. I was staring off in the night sky in all its lack of pigmentation and mystery of night to behold. The darkness represents the unknown. Watching such natural things such as the night sky in attentiveness triggers all kinds of thoughts my mind was wondering to all my secret dreams and my awareness of the Evolution of my dreams from then to now.

I am so surprised with the ideas of my dreams of things I think I wanted to do of what’s the most important and how much they have changed into something like a map and each idea is a place I have to stop at but is not the whole picture, its not the final destination, it can only been seen and understood with all the little dream stops puzzle pieces all together.

Diego came down stairs for a cigarette and asked me about my dreams and what I wanted the most out of life, what was most important to me. He wanted to also know if they were my own dreams or if they came from other influences such as society or families expectations, or from some spiritual ideal I may have read in a book. He was also intrigued to know about which emotions where behind these dreams if it was fear or desires, or striving for or feeling a drive to do something. Surly that does not come from fear or do they? “I’m pretty sure my dreams are pure and creative they do not come from fear at all,” I said.” Ok he said tell me them and lets see if your aware what’s behind them or not.”


-A) Mission & Purpose-

First I wanted to reach the masses of people not to be successful or have money or fame. The reason I never wanted those things is because I knew, most of the time selling out and being controlled even losing your original essence and freedom is the cost of having all those things. Even when I spoke to Diego about this he said pretty much the same thing so the confirmation was there. But as long as I can remember I always just wanted to inspire people to be a real example of consciousness with something like a reality series of profound realizations, witnessed first hand. I always felt if others witnessed the day in of a life of a consciously aware person and how they handled their challenges in a conscious way then it would work as a hundred monkey effect and people would awaken just by watching such a clear fresh example. When I brought that up with Diego he said, “What do you mean by conscious?

What is conscious exactly? Is that your idea or someone else’s?

What about the con in the word consciousness?” (This was something I really liked about him how he shared the same interest as me in dissected words inquiring on the origin of the word; which is the study known as etymology. That is what really sparked my poems that got me recognized as a speaker and helped me connect with the deeper part of myself.

Diego always reminded me of what originally sparked me that I seemed to have lost in the last few years or maybe I will say dimmed significantly which has been rather devastating to me.)

“Jess you said once that you wanted to create eco communities and places for people to live in peace off the grid and living off of the land connected with nature yet so many are striving for this and even when they get it for some reason it does not work people fight etc.”


“Ok I said I will think more about this as I do not want to spread confusion in reaching the masses anymore then I already have.”

“Yes Diego said, we need to really be aware of what we are doing and saying by thinking profoundly on that.”

“But I do see it Diego, I said, it just also makes me upset because I thought that was my mission so if its not that then what is it?”

Diego interjected with “Why care about having a mission in which you have fear that if you succeed then you will be asking yourself then what. Or living with the fear to fail and live with the drama of thinking of yourself as a failure. It really is a dammed if you do dammed if you don’t kind of thing. No one in nature cares about a mission or a purpose, no animals and no plants, they just do their thing and it works. They do not focus individually on themselves they focus collectively on helping their species to evolve by trial and error seeing what works and what does not. There is no guilt or blame or even self-destruction because an animal’s prey escaped. I have not seen one animals beat themselves up, if they fail like humans do to the point they question everything; and thus the human race even forget to begin.

This is one of the many reasons why most people have not even begun yet, why they are not even born yet.”

I could see what he was getting at; it made sense to me. “At least I said I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong even to the world, if I have to. I’m not afraid to make mistakes or to fail as much as others, besides when it comes down to it if we find out we did make a mistake and refuse to admit it publicly then we are doing even more of a disservice especially when life has presented us an opportunity to make it right again. If that’s what I have to do then I will no matter how much egg on my face that it may bring me. Its not about my reputation after all, but about damage prevention about being able to have myself first see the pot holes miles away and navigate myself around them so then I can help others to do the same.

Diego then asked me “Do you like having to always be a quick fix easy answer for people, to be there for them when their life falls apart and then pick them up only to watch them fall into the same pot-hole over and over again? How can the whole human race or we really think this is helping? What with people being so maniacal to sell their books techniques methods with out fully understanding the problem, instead it seems they are just obsessed on finding the next solution that will bring public acclaim and notoriety. Its so easy to preach forgiveness but forgiveness is a hoax cause it does not ever bring understanding, only more fear. No wonder the world is full of motivational and spiritual religious speakers yet where are we still in a mess, even after thousands of years we are still struggling is this natural? Is this evolution? Why are we more evolved with technology, we can send a rocket to the moon but yet we know nothing about our minds? Why doesn’t anyone ask these questions?”

I really wanted to understand what exactly we were missing. I mean if it all starts within and gets mirrored outside then knowing this is apparently not enough as we all hear this but still are unable to understand or apply it. If Diego understood this which it was apparent he did then I wanted to get to the bottom of this, no matter what. I told him I was willing to do what ever it takes to understand, please do not go easy on me do what ever it takes to get me to comprehend and apply. Again I had no idea what I was signing myself up for I thought it would be like a weeks teaching LOL.  Our mission and purpose is to actually dismantle our mission purpose and to dismantle time itself, as it is another hoax and time is actually fear as well.

Ok so that was one dream that had totally changed.


-B) Romantic Partner & Having Kids-

Then there is the dream to have a family of my own. I have always struggled with this concept though, this part of me wanting to stay single my whole life, as I am more happy single on my own, but then again I never had many relationships to begin with, just one short, intense, long distance relationship, and a 3 years mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I have never been on keen on the whole marriage or soul mate idea either. But its no surprise with such experiences on our life resume that we get to thinking that perhaps a relationship is not for us. Yet the world says what’s wrong with you conform you must find your other half and have a family pro-create. Then of course all the fears spill out but are we ready? Is it wise to have children in such a messed up world? To Diego this planet is a mental institution just pure insanity everywhere you look. I disagreed at first but in time I started to see the same. To him it’s irresponsible to have kids in this world. “But what about the ones who already had kids?” I asked?  “It would be more challenging for people to have the kids now a days and expect them not to grow up struggling or confused in one way or another.  It just extra challenging for people that have kids but it’s not impossible it can be done. Though we can not think we own our kids cause we do not, we have to be detached from them otherwise we will never understand they have their own mind and life and the system can be stronger from a parents influence. It is not a good idea to push or force our ideals on our kids either; it must happen naturally and be sincere on the child’s part to be able to keep their genuine curiosity and clarity of psychological freedom. The parents can only be a solid example first and for-most or the kid would mirror the parent’s contradictions and then things would get very unpleasant.”

Well that’s definitely not something I want as I have seen it happen so many times. Nor should we have kids because others think we should. I have always been nervous of this one. So there I existed in this crack in the in-between of should find a partner settle down and be a baby cannon or stay stubborn and single and keep my freedom? Why do you always associate being single with being free is their a way to be free with either or? And are we really free when we are single? Internally no.

When I brought this up to Diego because at that time I had a strong desire to be a mother. I mean I have always wanted to be a mother but always felt to nervous to actually let it happen. Was it for selfish reasons to want to have kids just for the experience it? To experience a life growing in the belly, birth and seeing their little face for the first time and then watching them grow. I wanted 5 at that time, and I was thinking about what it would be like to have a couple little Diego’s running around.

Diego then brought up how in thinking about our family and making them so important we neglect the human race and thus become inattentive and not very responsible which then leads to all kinds of problems. I never thought of it that way. Most of us feel we need to do what we can to be close to our family but Diego says we make the picture and the desire to be close to our family more important then our family itself and that is why no matter how hard we try to be close with the family just the opposite happens because they actually want their fear over their family itself.


I decided to ask the question to Diego to see what he thought about on the idea of him ever wanting to have kids?  Diego’s response really took me off guard which is what happened every-time he opened his mouth.

“I will never have kids he said, it does not interest me. I only want to ‘get out’ and I will not let anything distract me from doing that.”

But if you did have a kid I asked would you leave him and the mother behind when it was time for you ‘to get out’?”

“ Of course not I would find a way to bring them all but I rather not even put myself in that position besides I know my body and most girls bodies I am intimate with and if I do not want it to happen it will not happen, with out any help from contraception.”


“I see I said but what about me, I would like to have kids and this ‘getting out’ you speak of does intrigue me as well.”


He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “You can not have kids.”

“ What…?  What do you mean I stammered?” (I have given up asking him how he knows as it would always result in him either saying, classified, or I just know or public domain meaning some perceptive psyche internet)

“You just can’t even if you wanted to, even if you tried really hard you can’t.”

“Why not? I asked in pouting manor. If I want to I can will it. I know how to make things happen when I need to. I helped someone else to have a kid when everyone else said they cannot, even the doctors. So surly, I can do the same with myself.


I proceeded to tell him a story in brief of when I was interning at an animation studio I was 23 it was just before my interview with Project Camelot. I was just an intern and the first day I had a strange connection to my boss (a big producer,) that I did not understand. I would watch him a lot trying to figure it out since I did not know what this was exactly and what was really going on. Everyone assumed it was just a silly crush, even me.

Until I found out he was trying to conceive with his wife and it was not working for him. That’s it, I thought I am drawn to him cause I can help him with this, and also I rather him see me as a mystic then a silly clueless girl that had a crush on him. I went to his office and told him this and it freaked him out that I would talk about such personal matters like that. I had no tact at that time, actually I still don’t. I did not even know get this thing called tact. I just always said and wrote what was on my mind. Anyway me telling him this did not help and only made me into a freak to him and to everyone else.

I thought surly if I told him he would believe me, that if I said it would happen then it would happen. I would will it to be so, but alas it was not enough.

So then I decided to play on the power of collective beliefs since my mystic abilities seemed to have had no clout there. That was so strange to me, because in my evenings I spent giving small talks and had so many hanging on my words blown away by what I shared. But at the animation studio I was a silly whimsical blond chick. So my words alone are not strong enough but in the evenings I had people who believed in me, it was easier for me to make things happen. So at the animation studio I decided to just tell everyone that I know he was going to have a baby just watch and see. This would then plant the idea and visuals in peoples heads their beliefs would help collectivity bring it about, I just had to make them see it and think it was actually going to happen.

After that more intuitive abilities kept coming through for me such as hearing peoples thoughts which started to freak everyone out they could not understand how I could know so much about them with out them. Needless to say it got really awkward for me, so when I finishing up my internship I did not go back there and instead went into Private Investigation which I shared about in an older blog. Though when word got out I was now a PI everyone freaked out saying that’s how she knew about our private life she is not a mystic she is a spy, I guess its more believable then a mystic.  (I was a decoy/bait busting men that were cheating on their spouses it was an interesting job but a bit too fast pace too much like the movies for me what with all the car chases while staying in blind spots so our objective had no idea they were being followed not to mention all the disguises, 007 suitcase camera microphone and stake outs. I did not like the aspect of rubbing peoples noses in their own dirt. I actually only did this job cause my partner was also a relationship coach, once it came to light they were cheaters we brought the two of them together again and showed them how they went from being a heart case to a head case and how they mend their relationship again. In some ways we were working ourselves out of business.)

My friends were like wow only you jess can take an internship job and wind up having everyone think you’re a spy, spying on them. (Though I never did spy on anyone at the animation studio. But a mystic spy has an interesting ring to it. (Interesting thing that I bring up spy at this time it reminds me of something else I want to mention in a future blog mental note remember that.))  As it turned out when I went to visit the few friends I made at that animation studio my old boss was there and he pulled me aside and said to me privately “I just wanted to let you know we are pregnant. You were right about the time span, and what was the difficulty of why it was not happening, and about the other miscarriage’s and even the sex of the child.” He seemed to still be in shock but felt after all the anguish I went through at the studio that I ought to know. He did not say anymore as he did not know what to say as I’m sure he saw me as some kind of alien nor did I know what to think or say either; this awkwardness of me playing with my abilities like that, to make things happen just to see if I can. Despite so many other mystics saying do not interfere. I wanted to help so badly and give him his hearts desire I did not care, and yes I did want him to see me differently but more I wanted to know that such things are possible. I wanted him to see something about himself what he thought and what is possible in the world and that it was not a crush at all, but how easy it is to think of it that way; when our minds are so limited as to what the unconscious knows.

So getting back to Diego as I finished my story I responded to him saying,

“So yes I know about beliefs and how they could be played with, how to make them stronger and even have more tangibility on how to make the unreal real flipping through the time lines to find the ideal one we want. I could understand what he was saying about beliefs and how dangerous they were when we force and push them just because we want something for ourselves or for others. I mean look at all the violence that comes from it and desire the need to prove things. I know that’s another reason why I did what I did at the animation studio and it was not right and what I did actually ended up not really help him, not at the root it turned out to be a quick fix for them, but regardless I learned if I really want to do something I can.”

Diego listened and observed me in a focused way, he did not seem to be moved by what I said it did not impress him or anything instead he responded with, “How can you have a baby when you are already pregnant?”

“ What do you mean?” I asked slightly trembling?

“You yourself know how your stomach has been your whole life. You’re the most sensitive their especially during your moon time (he had no problem talking about menstrual things with me or with any woman. There was nothing Diego would not talk about; there was no shyness of beating around the bush from him or anything like that.) You feel and experience the whole world through your stomach while most do this with their head. You digest everyone and everything, your all about gut instinct. Your stomach is loud and has lots to say, you eat a lot but do not gain weight. You have been pregnant for a long time longer then this biological life of yours and your now looming in on your due date. Your pregnant with a galaxy, you carry a galaxy in your stomach and I am not talking poetry or metaphorically either. So go ahead and try as much as you want you can not have a baby.”

“Never I said really?”

“ No, not never you can later after you dismantled perhaps but by then I doubt you will want to have one. And there is no time to have one anyway, there are much more important things to focus on.”

“ You mean I will lose my desire and even my biological clock will hush its incessant protests of when I will be able to hang a Realistate sign over my womb in which my spirit can serenade a baby soul to rent my womb for 9 months?” (Sure enough he was right here I am a year later writing this and I have totally lost the desire in being a mother many who are close to me are shocked by this. Most of us want to have kids cause we think we should or cause of fear or to address the symptoms rather then the root.) Perhaps he continued on when you ‘get out’ you may be inclined to have kids maybe but by then you will find there are a heck of lot more options then heaven, hell, enlightenment ascension and everything in between.”

“Alright I said let me share with you about another dream I have.”


-C) Bend Reality Defy Death-

“Alright I said taking a big breath in, this is a kind of out there dream, but you’re a kind of out there kind of a guy, so I think I can share this one with you.

Ok so here it is, I have always wanted to crack the death code, so I could see my father and sister again that both died. My dad said I would assist with helping to bring this about one day, in the future all that have died, people would be able to connect with them with out they themselves having to die; to be with them again a bridge will be created; losing loved ones will be my motivation.”

In some ways Diego reminded me of my father with the things he told me and I missed him very much. Sometimes I can see my dad twinkling out of Diego’s eyes, which is just more confirmation that I am on the right track. I continued on as I bit down on my lip and spoke in a light muffle, but he was still able to hear me.

“At one time I felt lots of guilt when he died and thus I surrendered my whole life all things metaphysical and his messages for the world. I wanted to make it up to him and myself to be able to be ok with myself once again.”


(At first I thought I could do it by creating a conscious theme park J though I still think it would be cool to do and see something like that I mean can you imagine? To set up something where people who have no abilities could experience what its like, to set up a virtual program to see yourself connected to everything, so people who have forgotten this connection can understand and remember once more?)


After hearing all this Diego then asked me to focus on one of my dreams of what I wanted to do first and I choose to be able to see my dad and sister again. He lit a cigarette and said, “it is possible to do that right now you know that is if you truly want to.”

“Yes, I know it is possible to do it but how exactly I do not know.”

At that tears streamed down my face at the frustration of being in such a limiting form knowing there is so much your capable of doing and knowing but its just not coming to you, and despite what you know your still stuck somehow.

I told Diego how, “Every time I watch my memories I mostly tear up.

Why do I torture myself by thinking I can do impossible things?

Why do make things harder for myself and put myself on the spot in this way, making impossible promises to myself, which then puts me on a pedestal to others I can not help this chain reaction of events.

Oh listen to me I must sound crazy, I have to accept that they are dead and never coming back and get on with my life, not tell others to hold onto such whimsical things. “

“No Diego said. They are not dead. There is no such thing as death. I said you can see them not as an apparition but in the physical.”

Then the tears really starting to pour from my eyes; I could not stop the tears had some secret destination, to run so fast, to where I do not know; most likely to impregnate some ethereal garden as the liquid in the tears are the same liquid in the womb of pregnant woman.

“Please Diego Stop. Do not tease me like this with such false hope. I’m not an idiot. I know that my sister’s body got mangled in the car accident. I know that my dad was cremated he has no body now. I even recall us being so poor that we could not even afford a proper urn to put his body into. No instead we were given a cheap, crappy, paper, thin, cardboard box. It was taped only in some parts, but it was a half job of tapping, as if someone did not care as they were tapping the box up; so my dad’s ashes spilled out on me, in my lap, as we were driving home from the cremation place; I even say bits of his bones…

More tears gushed out of me.

Why is it Diego that memories can be so cruel? How can reality is so cruel?”

To which Diego promptly responded with,

“Its not neither the memory nor reality as much as it is your relationship with both. Its all relationships he said. And what about your relationship with your thoughts and your emotions? Are they not your first family? And what about the trees, nature are our family? The fact that we live in a world that still has pockets of untouched nature is evidence that some non-deformed thoughts are still alive inside us, as like symbol of the last ruins of our intelligence.


If you understand this then you understand reality then you can understand how to bend it should you need to, but only if you really need to.

Not to just do it because you want to, or to prove it to yourself or to others as it will never ever work that way. Of course the military plays with this and in some ways it works for them but it creates a mess of epic psychological proportions and its totally irresponsible. It’s also the case with all these new age practices to activate the pineal gland DNA this and that. It is beyond dangerous and when people are actually able to do this their mind collapse shortly after so anyone claiming to do such is faking it cause they have no idea what they are saying and what this really means.

It’s either romantic to a person or its identity driven or its just entertainment, party tricks or worst of all motivated by escape distraction and fear. So if you have a reason to bend reality that does not fit the above mentioned hidden motivations, and if you want to see your dad and sister then go and do it.”

“But… but… how? I stammered… How is it even possible?”


“Its not enough to believe there is no death Diego said… Trust no one who gives you a belief system. They are always lies hence the word lie in the word belief itself. It will always be a trap of duality and the opposite will come into existence and then it creates a psychological mess.

So no beliefs, knowing is better because you always knew, there is no learning, but beliefs and hope always gets in the way interferes distracts and dilutes everything. But knowing how to do this is only one thing to and is not enough as the mind is still at risk of collapsing. Beliefs even get in the way when we die and often ends up sending us into another time line limbo never ending story. What people experience in an NDE quickly becomes contaminated by their beliefs and thus they end up becoming more conditioned when they could have used it to see past that old meat ball. (more on this late.)

In this reality you perceive and think of mostly comes from your past mnemonic memories in which your dad and sister passed away. But in another reality time line that did not happen, you can see them in that way in the physical form in another time line where those things did not happen. But its not suggested you tell them that its you from another time line as it could cause their minds to be effected in an unpleasant way. We only think and relate through one time line not all of them it’s a curious thing.”

“ OK,” I said listening carefully and trying to digest and feel beyond the words.

“There is one more thing he said, you will need and that is the coordinate where exactly you need to go, where exactly your sister is for this particular time line that is selected she is living in Thailand she has a daughter, and your dad is in Mexico with your missing brother. But these are not the coordinates I’m talking about you can not just go to those physical places and expect to see them there, you need the exact time line coordinates. Since it’s so important to you, to see them, I took the liberty of finding the coordinate for you. Oh come on jess its not so hard to understand just think of the TV show Fringe its exactly like that.  Death is a hoax there are so many alternate versions to our life story, there is so much going on behind the scenes if we can only get past our distractions and petty illusory dramas, such as death for an example.”

“But how does that work exactly?” I asked in total awestruck.

“Well he said, it no different then going through your computer to find out where the firewalls are and having the software to penetrate that. We invented computers, and our minds runs the exact same as a computer, thus we can work with our mind, the same exact way, we work with a computer, if we know how to… Most do not know of all the functions on their computer nor do they use a majority of its potential it’s the same with our mind, humans are just too lazy they just want to know the basics and that’s it. Also we need the password but most have forgotten the password and all our other previous hard drives all the backups we made.”

“ Yes, I said that’s exactly it! IF we know how.” I said as he was making it sound so easy and I was feeling so inferior. I mean I knew what he was saying was true. I always suspected so and even wrote about it and played around with it a bit, but not in the way he did, not to the depth he did. No I was too busy trying to explain to the masses about this, while in the mean time my personal life was becoming a total mess. Funny how when you want something for so long something beyond your wildest dreams and one day you wake up to find that it has come true and your thoughts are not what you think they would be. It’s as if our mind changes when we get what we want realizing it was a cover for something else.


There I was given the coordinates, I could go and see my departed loved ones and I was not excited about it because I was instead thinking about the internal mess my life was.

What’s more important I asked myself, being able to bend reality or understand my mind so as to have a more peaceful internal existence to understand things more in totality? The abilities and desire to do them seemed to be a distraction we keep looking at rather then what is really important. Abilities are not important at all. I realized that this is what is in our way, they should not be what motivates us to understand. Nor should not force ourselves to develop our abilities by what ever practice master or workshop. It should just come naturally like how nature functions.


So there I was looking at the coordinates and thinking about seeing my loved ones I started to think why I really wanted to go and then I see them and what do I say? ‘I love you’ and I’m sorry’, ‘please forgive me cause I can not forgive myself’ or something cliché like that as if they did not know that already, as if I did not know that already, so why was that so important? Would that really fix anything or was just another damn placebo effect?

Then what? I asked myself, chat with them, try to mend my guilt, but surely then I will find some other guilt to attack myself for, as we always do, so as to make a justification to another half cocked mission/purpose. No matter how things happen in life we always find something to blame ourselves for or cultivate guilt, even if its not our fault we somehow make it our fault as we are so attached to our identity and some drama to go with it. Oh crap I could see the pattern so clearly.

Then what? I continued asking myself playing out the whole scenario in my mind. I go home tell my mom it would upset her for sure, to bring up such painful things up pick the scab of an old wound and pour salt on it.

Then how could I go back to doing what I was doing, or living with my family, knowing what I know, experiencing what I did? Could I grow in such an environment in which we did what the world expected of us so to not be at war with ourselves but some how that only brought about more internal conflict another catch 22? I make an internal Doh…

Why do I care? What am I trying to do? What am I trying to prove anyway?

I kept thinking about what was behind my motivations and peeling back the layers and it struck some chord in me that made me stand up and say to Diego.

“Thanks, but no thanks, for the coordinates. I don’t think I will go after all, I no/know longer see the need or the desire, as I realize it will not fix anything.”


Diego turned around he had his back to me as he was staking empty cigarette packs to his castle and turned around with those gentle but laser like precision look in his eyes, he was looking at me as if he had heard my internal dialog, and said.


“But can you go even deeper then that?

Come on be honest with yourself, why do you want to defy death?

I will tell you why, its most likely because you yourself and the human race is afraid of death which is the ultimate unknown, no animal fears death because they do not know about it they just fear danger. But our fear of death prevents us to live our life.  It gets us caught up in things that distract us from really understanding always chasing such goals, which is also a maximum form of ego, thinking they are so special because of their god, that they somehow get to be exempt from natures natural course of evolution. Death is natures natural way of evolution and collective understanding there is no I or identity in nature everything that is done is not to benefit ones self but each species race and its not a competition. Can’t you see that Jess? Humans think they are so important, even the invention of god is an example of major ego with the human race not to mention the new age the shift teaches that it is only for humans not the animals or plants or other beings. This is still such a flat Earth kind of thinking, and if you try to get people to look through the telescope to see its not flat at all. Then they fight you and say your evil rather then looking in the telescope this happens in so many of my Facebook posts. My posts are like a telescope, that challenges peoples flat earth beliefs.

Lets dissect these beliefs here for a moment. Most people believe, the planet was given to the people by god, therefore people are more important. Animal’s plants and other beings are even thought of to have no souls and thus we can destroy the planet as much as we want with this concept. Then we are told to meditate when there are no more trees chanting ‘its all love.’ ‘Love is truth and truth is love.’ So here the people are harboring such secret goals, its in their blood, their genes, their DNA, its in the ether to and these primitive conscious and unconscious beliefs are actually scamming people, (scamming all life) and leading up to a future I just alluded to, not to mention our personal lives along the way. And why? It is all because of fear, but not the natural fear of danger like an animal has. No our fear is the unknown which leads to the desire to make the unknown known logical and manipulateable always structured from the intellect and not our perception and sensitivity. All because we think we are entitled to our misty hope rather then being honest with ourselves to see that it’s all fear behind everything that we do and think. So many ask me but why do you want to talk about fear its so boring? But I’m sorry; I cannot see anything else more important to talk about when everyone I see is clearly saturated and marinating in their own preconceived and collective conditioning of existential fears.

So he said answer my question are you a lightworker or think yourself a starseed for the reasons I listed above?” When I thought more about it I realized it was because of fear and ego, of humans being special and entitled. I could see a bit more clearly  what that thinking has gotten the human race in the long run which is basically running to stand still. I had to admit to myself and to him I was indeed actually very afraid of death I did not like it I did not want to understand it I wanted to control it change it make it not be that way.  It was clearly just another fear reason behind doing what I was doing. It was so much easier and pleasant to delude myself that we humans are all-special and can do such things which is going against nature; and thus not being natural, but something artificial and fake.”

Often when Diego talks I can feel just awful with myself; it makes me sick to my stomach, what he reveals in a very painful and sobering way sometimes. My stomach cringes and I feel like I want to vomit as in those moments, which are becoming more constant, I can not stomach myself or even being associated with the human race. What with how I and we have been living for so long and all the ways we try to justify it. In those moments I did not want to live to be there to face such responsibility, its too much which is what Diego has heard his whole life by almost everyone he met. They tell him its too much for them and they leave or stop going forward too overwhelmed and too afraid. Such responsibility is indeed a scary thing I can certainly vouch for that. I did not want to be that way but I did not know how to face something so immense and humiliating to me especially with all my spiritual messages and what my identity was shaped from. At that moment I can remember thinking I did not want to live in this world.

I was so embarrassed and ashamed to be human, (starseeds and lightworkers always want to avoid their responsibility of being human saying I am not from here I am not responsible for this mess I will ascend from this world but I will help here and there by making some posts on conspiracy and talk about rhetoric motivation love and light speeches.)

Diego knew what I was thinking he knew I wanted to die right then and there. I was thinking about suicide. Yet I could not help but say to him. “

You want to help people with depression Diego, but right now I feel pretty damn depressed talking to you about all this.”

“I know, depression is part of the process he said. It’s not so easy for us. Oh and by the way just for your FYI you can’t kill yourself. You like I do not have that luxury.

And if you do not believe me go ahead and try to kill yourself right now go and see what happens. However you will have to live with the consequences of injuring your fragile human form. Of course that was not appealing to me I am a real wuss when it comes to physical pain. You and the human race cannot get out of your responsibility that easy if death solved anything then why is the world more of a mess then ever before?”

“ It’s just like that movie ‘Groundhog Day’ isn’t it I asked as I could see it so clearly?” “Exactly he said, you have no idea how many times you died, fortunately for you and most humans they are not aloud to remember such and so many strive and pay to be able to do this but they have no idea how challenging it is to live with all those memories when they can not even manage their own life. Because they do not remember they do not think they are responsible, but even if they did remember they would not be able to handle it not even a small portion of the collectives memories of history.”

“ Wait, hold on a minute I said, so you can remember all the times you died and those other lives? The look in his eyes said he did and it was extremely unpleasant burden to bear. No wonder you talk about history of mankind all the time. So we die over and over like in that movie ‘Groundhog Day’ but still always find ourselves right where we left off, but even more worse and intense then before like a limbo?” “Exactly he said, and it’s a total mental institution we are forced to live in cause we refuse to understand, to be responsible. Humans will do anything to avoid this understanding they rather entertain them selves, or distract them selves, look to busy them selves in projects missions new experiences, spiritual keys, shopping, fighting wars, do what ever we can to pass the time to numb ourselves to not think and avoid responsibility. This can only tell me one thing and that is people like their prison, they like their conditioning they want it and will do what they can to protect it. No one seems to care about his or her mind, or why we are so confused, you would think humans should be experts in confusion by now, but no they do not even think about it or ask these questions and when they do they do not stay with it long enough to go deep enough with it to fully understand. Not one spiritual enlightened speaker knows the answer to this or seems to understand what they are doing.”


“So I said we are actually living in a limbo death and spirituality can not help us escape, it can only add another bar to the prison limbo. Then the only way to get out is to be responsible and think fully and deeply to be attentive at all times not just sometimes here and there?” The more people that do this, the ones that are brave enough to do this can also experience psychological freedom not just here in which it is super challenging and taxing on our reserves but out of this limbo nightmare reality as well? Is that what you mean by getting out?


He did not say anything but I knew that is what he was referring to.

In that case, I continued on, I to am inclined to ‘get out’ as well but I am not sure if can. I am not sure if I’m advanced enough, or smart enough; it seems very challenging and I do not know how much life I have left to live. I feel like I am always running out of time.”

Diego interjected with, “And there is that realization, that the day we are born we are dying and every moment we live is always bringing us closer and closer to our death.

You Jess actually have a lot of time. And with that he told me the age I would be when I would die but he said it in a count down from now including the days, hours minutes, and seconds. Would you like to know how it will happen since you’re so keen to make the unknown known?”

“ No thank you, I said, but do you know when you will die as well?” Again he rattled off an amount of years, including the minutes, and seconds and told me how it will happen for him. “Its called ischemia, in which the brain explodes.” He said this so casually, as though he was fine with this, there was no indication of they’re being any suffering or struggling with him knowing this. He knows when it is and he will be attentive to make the passage exactly where he wants to go so as to avoid all limbos.

He continued on, it’s just because I over use my brain he said, no different then someone who over uses their motor bike it dies faster then people who just use their motor bike here and there. I over use my brain/motor bike because I know its limited and I want to push it evolving a bit faster but of course like a computer it can not keep up with over sophisticated software so the computer crashes to beyond repair. The computer is gone, the hard ware and all we put on the Internet such as my website and facebook is still there and will always be there. It’s exactly the same with the ethernet. We have planted our seeds their perhaps it will help others to evolve.”

I watched Diego closely he had no fear or sadness about this at all. In fact he was rather nonchalant about this. In some ways I was relieved to know that I had a long time before I passed but i was also upset to know as well because now I could be lazy and procrastinate a good amount of my life. Where as before when I was making my early videos and writings that got me notoriety only came into fruition because I pushed myself to do them, saying ok jess. If you were to die in a month from now would you be ok with that? Did you share everything you wanted to or will you feel like buried treasure when you’re 6 feet under embracing and kissing your tombstone? (That’s what death to me always was buried treasure and I was most afraid of that so for that reason alone is why I even made those popular videos and poems to begin with.)

Damn, it was fear again so of course mathematically it would lead to some mess sooner or later in my life and it sure did. Diego again interjected on my thoughts, “What’s that your modeling on your psyche runway, a new confusion? Is it never enough this war with the known and unknown? I tell you what you want to know and now your sad that you know and wish you did not know. So your setting yourself up for some stupid drama where your always damned if you do know and damned if you don’t know. Not just that its never enough I tell you one thing and then you want to know more and more, perhaps you see it as an entertainment or something exciting to blog about but its reality damn it. It’s the whole damn human history; it’s the case in each and every human beings life. What your doing and thinking and struggling with now has been man kinds history since the beginning always struggling with such never able to get it or let it be enough always destroying not just their peace but animals and plants all of natures right to peace as well.” “Some advanced divine race we are” I said.


“ Diego, I do not want to be like this I do not like it one bit, but I feel so stuck I do not know how to think in any other way or even what I should think about or even how to think for that matter. Its frustrating to want to break these ancient patterns but we are always up against a tidal wave of historical tears washing us away like a mighty tsunami of emotions and confusion. What chance do we have against history?”

“ It’s a long and arduous process he said. We have to first find out what we are not what love is not etc. Its dismantling every brick in this berlin wall we created inside of us through out history, everything must be observed scrutinized understood especially what we think we know like words for example, what we are saying thinking and asking ourselves. Is that us or something, someone else speaking and thinking for us? Like I said it’s a long process and most do not want to do it.”

“ I do.” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“ Yes, I want to get to the bottom on this insanity to understand to move on from this once and for all not just for me but all humans and non humans that are effected by this stupidity and violence.”


Then Diego said, “Somewhere in there is the real jessica. Not all this fear, sadness, frustration, and confusion that is not her.”

I started to feel sad because i was realizing i forgot home Diego did not.. oh gosh how could i forget home? how come i can not remember like he did like dad did?

It made me cry, I saw how distracted I got with all the sub missions & submission of my spirit, of things I thought I had to do, trying to help others all the while compromising and sacrificing myself.

“Jess what your crying about is a hoax to, just like death is a hoax and so is this concept of home there is no home, if anything we are ourselves are home. But there is no home to escape to as all places and spaces are made of energy, which is what we are made of. There is no home or god to return to only our-selves to return to. Out of the limbo is not home it’s just out of the ‘Groundhog Day’ existence.


It was this conversation that made me fall for Diego a bit more, I mean he was willing to give me all my dreams to show me how to make them all come true and he wanted nothing from me in return. What he ended up giving me though was something beyond my dreams how could I not fall for him after that?



Chapter: 2 Blanco Museum

The conversations I had with Diego made me both upset and intrigued with this man. He was/is so fascinating, he gave me my hearts desire at the drop of a hat but not with out making me think, why I really wanted it which was kind of attractive to me as well. It felt like what I interpreted as un-conditional love. Only a month ago he asked me about what I think about the idea of him and me being in a relationship, I mentioned in the previous blog and I declined because I was too scared, but now I was starting to think perhaps I should just give it a try. Why not just give it a couple months and see how it goes. This mystery that he is and holds is just to appealing to turn away from.

I was not sure did he share all this with me in hopes for me to see his true intentions so I would give him a chance to give him my heart or was it some other undetectable reason? He certainly had impressed me and got my attention in a way no one else has before. Can I do this? As I was trying to decide if I could do this or not, Diego asked me if I wanted to go to Blanco Museum to attend a kind of garden party for a friend of his who happened to be a famous artist in Hungary.

“Ok I said yes lets go to this Blanco Museum place it sounds like a beautiful place.”


That day was the day in which I really started to think of Diego as a romantic life partner. It’s when I started to realize I was falling for him. Surprisingly it was not when I saw him talking to another girl and felt jealously. I could not understand why that made me upset as I was never a jealous person before so why should I care?  Why should I even compare the person I was before to who I am now? Measuring myself up finding some faults in myself or some reasons to think of myself not good enough in some way. But it was the day at Blanco’s that it all started to click.


Many pictures were taken that day I wore a bright yellow and orange sarong with orange flowers in my hair. At the very entrance of the museum were exotic birds like bright red and blue giant parrots, large white parrots with Mohawks, giant black birds that had prehistoric long knife likes beaks, pink cheeks and bright colored looking scrotums on their necks, there were various other exotic birds their to but obviously those ones stand out the most burning holes in my memory.  We took lots of pictures with the birds and just pictures in general; it was indeed a beautiful place. Diego did some modification of the pictures, as he likes to do to make the pictures even more stimulating and interesting. I have many of the pictures on my facebook and often use them as main profile pictures as well.

The bright colors I was dressed in made me feel like I blended with these exotic birds perhaps to them I looked like a bird myself.

It was magical spending time with these exotic birds they were so tame we could hold them kiss and cuddle them and even give them some of our gin and tonic. It was really neat watching Diego interact with them as well and how the birds interacted to Diego.


After spending a good amount of time playing with the birds we went inside to check out the museum. It’s a very popular famous museum from an artist that even Michael Jackson is a fan of. Though Diego and I, were not impressed with the art, at all most of it was rather derogatory, vulgar and demeaning for woman. We call that art? We prostitute woman, our innocence, our creativity in our art it was too much to bare so we left the museum and went to the top of the roof to look at the amazing view of all the green jungle we were surrounded by, with all the flowers as well. It was just breathtakingly beautiful.


Shortly after that we went to meet Diego’s artist friend who had already set up his easel and was getting ready for another art attack, to create something awesome. How does one do it with out the pressure getting in the way and sabotaging such paintings when being asked to paint create like that on the spot with everyone watching? I looked at the painting he was doing it was nice and interesting but nothing like Diego’s art and besides I was more inclined in being with the birds again.

So I left to get some birds to walk around the park with. Then I found a nice grassy knoll and it was just the birds and i, we were in our own little world. Their was a Balinese dancer near by all decked out in traditional dance wear she liked watching me and the bird and came over to face her fear of the bird, she then lent me her hat and I did not know how to wear it as I apparently had it on backwards.

That’s when more people started to pay attention to me with the bird and suddenly all these professional photographers were photographing our candid moments.

Then a guy came up to me and started to speak to me asking me questions about my connection the birds and I fell into my mystical jargon playing up the connected crystal child that came out like of me like a bad habit that is not so easy to break. “Oh it’s the energy and how you approach them, that is why they are so gentle and let me kiss them.” I said this not knowing we were being filmed on camera for Indonesian TV. Here is the link for it on YouTube its in part 2 we are in the very beginning then fast forward to 7:50 minutes in to see my interview.  .

I did not know that the man that was interviewing me was the owner of the museum, the artists son. Nor did I realize what he was saying was the reason the birds were so friendly was because all the birds were tamed since they hatched from the egg they were all hand raised. Well I felt pretty stupid after that egg on my face yet again. So much being connected with the bird’s cause of my great energy, did I really convince myself of such tripe?


Diego was watching silently from a far with a slight smile on his face. As he knew exactly what was going on and he found it amusing. He saw it as a chance for me to see more and more what we were talking about. Though talking about is was not enough it had to be lived and applied and observed by myself/ourselves firsthand. Diego stayed out of the spot light always the man in the shadows avoiding a majority of the pictures and attention that I ate up that day.


When it was time to eat Diego’s artist friend pulled some strings to get us to eat at the fancy outdoor restaurant for free. He did that by saying we his special guests but he did not sit with us.

So me and Diego were left alone to eat and chat in the most unbelievable stunning and romantic setting as if I was being set up to further confirm that I should be with Diego romantically. I suspected it was another romantic ambush conspiracy.


Eat pray love cliché was the last thing on my mind when I came to Bali. So many come here just to find their Philippe. I was not looking for anything like that, and our story is no where near to ‘Eat Pray Love’ or as the locals like to call it Eat Pay Leave or South Parks version Eat Pray Queef. I really disliked this movie and I had no idea that so many older women flocked here after seeing that movie. No really its shocking to see how many woman come here to Bali dressed just like Julia Roberts riding the same bike cruising around in the rice fields hoping that the love of their lives will run them over with their jeep. (Just like how it happened in the movie, wow so romantic.) These woman really try to ride around in all the places were the movie was filmed, they often do not find men but other woman doing the same. When they do not find a man, which is most of the time they end up doing spiritual workshops on how to find your soul mate and realize your divine, goddess, kundelina, tantra, love by repeating some mantra with crystal vibrators. I’m not joking they actually have a workshop like that here. I have no idea what they do there exactly nor do I want to know. I just know that the woman that go to this are from the ages of 60-80 and this workshop costs about $10,000 for 7 days. This is sad and the reality is here of what things are coming to. I met a young girl in her early 20s in Bali from the states who claimed to be a lightworker starseed who loved the movie ‘Eat Pray Love. I told her that movie is responsible for destroying Bali with tourism up the wazoo and she said, “So what it inspired me, and that is all that matters, love and light. Peace out.” I was so pissed when I heard this, so it’s ok to destroy the jungles of an island so you can be inspired on some cheesy love story? If only she knew what Bali was like before the new age circus came to town. Diego had observed Bali change dramatically thanks to this movie and he like me was concerned about it how could such a movie be sold to us as a counterfeit version of love it only adds to ones confusion which is why many of the reasons why relationships do not work. Diego and I were not interested in any of these things we stayed away from all this fluff observing from a far. We were more into cultivating our own understanding we had with each other. We refuse to stay at the surface we are more inclined to push ourselves deeper and deeper.



Chapter: 3 What My Poems Really Are

After that things started to become more intense with Diego and I, a lot of the things he said kept reminding me of my poems of things I used to understand but had lost. This made me sad I wished I met him when I was writing those poems and was more fresh more connected and less confused. I really wanted to understand why my creativity was once there so strongly and now has faded so much. I did not want to feel like damaged goods. I did not want to be one of those statistics of really nice girls who have their whole life ahead of them only to be ruined by getting involved with the wrong man. I wanted so badly for Diego to fix my heart, fix my creativity, and fix my connection I once had.

I wanted to show him that I really did once know and live what he was saying. That I once was a free bird inside my mind to, that I was not always like this. So I said, “I know you do not read Diego, but I really want you to see my poems and then you will see what I mean.”  I then decided just to send him all my poems and he sat down and read them all. These old poems i titled Soul Archeology, a book my ex helped me publish on amazon, but I pulled from my website. Due to not wanting those ties or even memories of the things I used to write to remind me of that connection and also the confusion mixed with spiritual archetypes and labels in them. I rather correct all that before I republish them, but in the mean time if people are still interested in them they can send me a private message and I will send a copy. or you can get it here..

Anyway after Diego read my poems something shifted to bring us even more closely together.

“Well he said, I read all your poems and they are very interesting. (That’s a compliment coming from Diego as he finds most things boring.) Have you seen the movie ‘Contact’ he asked?

“Yes, I did,” I responded.

Then he said, “Well remember that part where the aliens were communicating by these strange sounds which actually turned out to be algorithms and binary codes and beats which when looked at with a more expended perception and when they put together the frequency in a certain geometrical shape it ended up indicating that the message was in fact blueprints to build a device to go and meet the aliens.” (Forgive me for this poor reiteration of words its really challenging to repeat exactly how he explained this in laments terms.)

“ I kind of remember that, I said, but I rather watch this movie again with you so you can explain to me more then it comes up.” Which is what we did.

He pointed out to me, “Do you see how they put a chair in the device when the blueprints had no indication of including that the scientists just thought should be included for comfort?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Ok he said, do you see how if she had stayed in that chair she would have died. Its important to stick to the original blue prints but its not something we can think about or force, we can not try to do this it just comes to us spontaneously almost as if beyond/before thought, its just pure perception coming through us which is a precise technology when not comprised by beliefs or archetypes.”

“So what are you getting at Diego I asked? Well he said your poems are the same if we were to put them together in the same way in that movie then you would see your were actually also building a device.”

“Really? I said, but those poems are comprised with beliefs and archetypes.”

“ Yes, he replied, its true but, I can see past those obstructions, to see what was coming through you, what they were, what your unconscious mind was trying to do, and let come through.”

“ Ok I said, so then what is it? What are my poems to you?  A space ship like in the movie to?”

“ No he said, it’s an irrigation system. I know cause I used to do the same. So tell me did you ever have some fascination or affinity with irrigation systems?”

“ No not at all, I said. I know nothing about the science and math of them either my brain is lousy when I try to think and function in that way.

“ Well that’s Interesting, he said because your poems indicate that you’re very good in math and science.”

“ I had to laugh at that. Ok if that’s true, I said. Then my conscious mind is not aware of this at all.”

“ No he said, I’m not talking about the math you were taught in school, most of that is stupid, not 1+1=2 it does not that’s a linear way to think of math and we live in a non linear reality therefore 1+1= infinite. I am talking about actual math in which everything functions out of. You may not know math but you are math itself, your brain is math.”

“That sounds totally boring, I said. Math is ewe gross. I never liked math and I am pretty sure that the mysteries of the universe and our mind must be more exciting then math. Of course I hate it, because I am no good at it. I think I have a grade 3 mentality when it comes to math. I flunked every one of my math exams.”

“No Jess, Do not think of your old school math, think deeper about it, and see if that changes your relationship with math.”

I did try but for some reason every-time he brought this up I got upset I thought I had signed a restraining order with me and math it had to stay 100 feet away from my brain at all times.

“Ok I said, then what about this irrigation system how do you know that is what it is?”

“ I know because I was doing the same thing when I was a kid.”

“ I see I said, and do you know where this irrigation system is or where it comes from?”

“ It does not matter it could be here now or in between time or in the past, in another time line, another dimension, another planet why should you care? You find it and then what?”

“ I don’t know, maybe my memory will come back magically and I will suddenly know math and science in the way you do. I keep waiting and looking for some trigger to snap me and humanity out of this amnesia state we seem to be in.”

“ Nope he said, that’s not the way to go, it does not work like that. It’s better for you to continue to create making sure to not comprise your work/writing/art/life with out beliefs or archetypes. But try this not just in your art projects, but your mind your daily life to. Cultivate your own inner private world as you do this. It must come through you with out expectations or force it should be spontaneous. It’s not about what you create of even if it’s good, its about the journey you go on when you create and your relationship with space and time during that time in which both time and space cease to exist. Then other things may come through you not just irrigation systems, perhaps some bridges between time lines and krytons to. Imagine what your blogs must really be, if we were to put them together like in the movie Contact, what do you think your unconscious is building when you think you only writing a blog?”

Then he said, one more thing before he put his cigarettes and went upstairs. “Actually you have not even written those old poems and blogs of yours you call ‘Soul Archeology’ yet they are from the future some how you dragged them into your past and wrote them then.

But how can that be? I stammered, I am writing them now, that makes no sense. But he was already upstairs leaving me to ponder what he said  (O-O)(this is how I imagine my face is when he says such things and my brain does not know how to respond or even to compute such info.)



Chapter: 4 The Call

A few days later I was sitting in the hammock in the front of the house, it was mid morning and I was going through my email and had found that I had received a letter from my ex boyfriend Gus Mouskos. He wanted to do a skype chat with me, as it had been a long time since we last spoke and he wanted to update me on some family affairs he was handling for me. I am embarrassed to say that I kept in touch with him for as long as I did during my Asia trip. I mean i left Canada to get away from him but he always had a reason to call and stay in touch and I always fell for it hook line and sinker. I always felt like I had to talk with him even though I really did not want to, and did not like talking with him at all, especially cause of how I felt after every-time we talked. I was scared what would happen if I did not respond to his messages or keep him happy.

Yet I wondered if some part of me must have liked it or still kept entertaining the belief he put in my head that he is a person who cares and wants the best for me.

Oh man I was still such a mess at that time. Did I learn anything from my experience with Wolf? Why was I doing the same damn thing with my ex again? Lets just pick up the dysfunctional drama and awkwardness right where we left off and call it caring about a person, how demented can we be? I really dislike when we know something is not good for us but we do it anyway. Most addicts know this so well. It’s as if we are temporary possessed and it’s even harder to re-live this, to which we are almost feeling screaming and smacking our past self to wake the fork up! To see what your able to see now so clearly so as to have some damage prevention not watch and partake in the train wreck and then beat ourselves up afterwards for doing it, saying we are so stupid and such. I now know these are the ingredients for abuse a one-way road that lead to a vicious circle. It would take me many months to fully recognize and understand how and why I felt the need to set myself into such old patterns.

So that was pretty much the essence of what went down in the call I had with my ex. It was a lot of having him say things to me such as, ‘Your stupid and I am smart, and I love you, and I am the only one who cares for you and can help you. Can you see how smart I am and how stupid you are? Can you see how much you need me and why it’s a good idea to still converse with me? How screwed I would be with out him I should count my blessings that he is doing this for me etc.”(I am sure many of you have heard the same before all these things are signs of an abusive relationship.)

And after hearing such things for so long we start to believe these things. I know I was always 50/50 on this fluctuating back and forth with inner conflict that consists of this classic equation of I really am stupid +, no I’m not, + ok so what’s wrong with you then?+ How come you cannot free yourself?+ How come you keep getting yourself stuck in such bullshit?= to feeling uber frustration, =  leads to tears and then he yells at me when I try to question such love or selfless acts from him. And then what follows is me trying to clarify what I meant which is basically taking back my words getting to scared and then trying to make things right again. Then apologies on both sides and then oh but I know you do care for me, which only sets up the scene to happen again late. Which will further exhaust and frustrate us. It always ends with what the heck happened this time I thought I would be strong and stand up to him once and for all? Why the crap did I cave again and show such weakness?

The call I was in with my ex was pretty loud Eo heard it for sure, he was just near the entrance in the kitchen on his pool floatation balloon bed, and I know Diego heard the call as well and all of the neighbors to.

When I finished the call I was shaking, my face was red and puffy from the tears and face dents of confused expressions pressed past my face and to my brain and tattooed a strain of pain.

I felt exhausted and totally defeated I tried to clean myself up in the bathroom and put on a brave fake facemask, a classic that all woman do. Saying something rhetoric like ‘I’m fine’ when we are so, so, so, so, sos, so not, fine as we try to snort back the snot and say its not so in our own feeble defense. I went up stairs put my computer away and sat on the bed staring off into space.

Diego was at his desk right across from me and he immediately got up and said, “Are you ok?” I nodding like yes I was fine but my eyes and nose betrayed me for they had sprung a leak out yet again, my face and eyes said otherwise, they told the truth. Why did I even bother trying to cover this up? It is so petty as if there is some camera somewhere. Are we always acting how we think we should or is it reacting how we think we should? (Exhausted from thinking my self out of my problems, tired from crying even worn out from trying to find a way off the rollercoaster) I burst into tears he came over and held me and I did my best to explain the call, our relationship, the situation and even tried to justify my ex saying, “but he is not so bad he is trying to help me after all.”

Of course Diego did not buy any of it, but he kept letting me talk, to get it all out. The call was the past, yet here it was still hurting and it still recurring inside me like after shocks after an earthquake, making me cry more and more. (I am not going to go into detail about my ex yet and all that exactly happened even in my old blogs about him I admit I was not fully honest about him and the events that were happening as I was too afraid to share the truth. My ex always threatened me if I shared anything about him, so whenever I wrote about that time or him it was always watered down. But I am not afraid anymore, so I will write more about this later but in this blog, I want to keep things in the order in which things happened, which is many months later when the shit/shift hit the fan.)


I’m not sure how long Diego and me talked on the bed, it must have been awhile, that I think it made Eo curious and also rather concerned for me as well. I guess he wanted his chance to comfort and console me to so he came up the stairs right at the time when Diego and me had our first kiss. Now as I recall this event, I am not sure who’s call it was for us to kiss at that time his or mine or perhaps we were just responding to some inner call deep within us?  When Eo saw that we were kissing, he sneaked back down the stairs, so as not to interrupt the moment. I only found out about these weeks later that he witnessed that event. To which he said after that moment I looked at Diego totally different to quote exactly what Eo said, “I looked at Diego from then on like a cat in heat.”

Yet it was still a while till we were actually intimate.



Chapter: 5 Letters

 The whole month of Oct I was head over heals with Diego I was completely on cloud 9. I had the love glow the dreamy look in my eyes. The stupid smile on my face, the klutziness when we kissed, I would walk into poles and apologize to them as if they were alive. I wanted to be around Diego 24/7 I was in awe by his kindness, patience, intelligence and understanding of so many things. I was so nervous when we went into the market together I was unsure where my brain was half the time.


In this chapter I wanted to find the best way convey how it was for us in that time, to give others as clear as a snap shot as I could of our relationship. I recently came across some of our old letter we exchanged to each other during the month of Sept and Oct. That I thought would give you an idea of our dynamics and synergy straight from the horses mouth this is the actual words at the time. I thought it would be interesting for others to read in-between the lines of our letters and see what subtext is there. Some of these letters were also written while I was at Wolfs place or at cafes because Diego’s Internet was very lousy. It was always easier to write what I was too afraid to say out loud in a way I was satisfied with so even while we were living with each other we were writing letters to each other.


Letter 1

He wrote me this in response to a nasty letter someone sent me


Those people are energetically, psychologically and even intellectually fighting with & within themselves very badly…
They are constantly struggling with their fake-nature aimed to create subconsciously the tremendous inner wars they are fighting.

Sometimes they feel something pure within themselves…
some little ‘seed’ of awareness…
and that’s exactly what they fear the most…
The energy they are wasting is also the drug they need along their daily life… tangibly and psychologically…

Anger is the food they use to make sure that their reality & pseudo identity appear as real to their confused mind…

So they do the best they can to destroy that seed of awareness…
being tremendously sick energetically and emotionally… they need ‘enemies’ so to delegate to those enemies all the reasons of their fear & sickness…

You are genuine and inspiring, fresh and perceptively vibrating…
but you are also intelligent, highly emotional and you are a woman…
and the sum of these facts is enough, for the mind of those sick people, to create the perfect enemy they need…

I’m sure that some of them, if in your presence, will cry…
but as you well know there are also other forces behind the psyche of those people…
and some of those forces don’t like your energy…

As like there we have sick people…
so… here we have very sick entities and energetic vampires…

Do not let their junk energies affects yours…

That’s not the dark part of the psychic life…
That’s the sick part of it…

I would like to get a deeper sharing with you when we will meet…

Let my know when you’re supposed to come here…

Ps… Yesterday I was watching one of your videos…
eh eh some of your facial expressions during your verbal mistakes were so cute and sensible…
Is that an indication of mental illness?
Well: if so… I would like to see this kind of mental illness among humans! …
But unfortunately… 80% are non-thinkers not able to be themselves so I call them clones… (
More on that later)
You use to say:
we are the answers to our prayers…
That’s true…
but for some their prayers are seriously disturbed and ill…
and so are their answers… while their prayers are traps in themselves

What about you?
Everything ok?
The frogs miss you

The perceptive answers, indeed, are within the perceptive questions

See u soon

Thank you Jessica
an thank for such unexpected visit,

Indeed i do need lots of humor in order to get out…
It’s a part of the ‘fuel’ I need…

The most serious thing..
is the end of seriousness…

Sweet spider morning


This letter is my response to his and is also about me politely trying to tell him what its like for me to kiss him and the struggle I was having with the various smells that he is saturated in not just on his body but tongue to. It’s also about how I like him but I am unsure how to make it work and what he invokes in me.

Letter 2


Dear Diego

 I like you a lot. A LOT.  So in me there is a battle to allow you to touch and love me.

I am interested in you I am sure you know this, but I am sensitive to your intense smells from your usual addictions (cigarettes, bear, coffee, the fact he liked to eat lime skins which tasted nasty second hand on my tongue now just imagine that combo in your mouth? Then there is your mysterious sulfur smell you have, and not to mention the loads of hair spray and strong smells from your aftershave). Which I do not judge but is very hard for me to be around and in kissing I can go from turned on to turned off if just by the smell or taste and not want to go further. I would never tell you to stop smoking or drinking, coffee and beer for me as that is control and I want you to be you but I am not sure how you and me can coexist together as romantic partners.
You do not understand when you touch me as softly and uniquely as you do even if it’s as something as innocent as my hands it is a turn on, and I am trying to control my emotions and my body and your not helping. It’s not easy for me to turn my drive off. Sometimes I close down around you or get cold or turned off cause the things you say make me nervous and depressed if I where to adopt and accept how you see life and the world. I worry that I would have neither meaning nor purpose and cease to exist, nor would I have any desire to help others. I do not like that feeling and I worry this may result in me not even like myself.
So now maybe it will give you a better idea about what’s going on inside me and why it’s hard for me, or why I may give confusing mixed messages?
When you wake me up or pull my covers down so the sun is in my face immediately get annoyed and dive into the comfort of darkness funny how humanity has done that time and time again. Like we say oh love and light and when we get it what we do is we show our true feelings towards light, which is annoyance even frustration, and then we find comfort in seeking the darkness instead; where we can go back to sleep.
I hope you understand what I mean here. Warm embrace laced in grace


 Letter 3

I understand you Jessica…
I understand you almost fully…
The prism of life has so many faces…
somehow, sometime they get in conflicts
…while the prism of the soul have no conflicts no time no space ’cause its essence is unified since the beginning.
Both of them I can get in… Very easily most of the time…
but it’s not easy in this form, not at all…
It’s hard to deal with the frequency in which we miss someone… and at the same moment that someone is right in front of you… lying in your bed… talking with you… sleeping with you… dreaming with you… sharing consciously and subconsciously with you. or even being intimate with you..
Intimacy, eventual frictions, beauty, peace, caresses, dialogues, languages, technologies, help, information’s, projects, actions, misunderstanding and even my smells and my so seeming addictions, the ways how I push you, the annoyance I use to give you sometime… and so on… are all ethereal (first) then practical consequences of the tiny bridge between these two frequencies…
Regardless if physical intimacy is there or not…
I always tried to touch you emotionally first…
then physically…
and it’s hard to avoid manipulation on that way in that form

I like the human genetics, mind and behavior as like I like this form including mine…
that’s why I can see all the sickness, the darkness, the ‘map’ of their uncertain future within each one of them

I’m here to see how the weak energy of hope could shift into the energy of the multiversal emotionality…
and I very aware on how this event here is tremendously improbable

Letter 4

Dear Diego, I think I may be falling in love with you and that’s scary to me. This letter of response you wrote is beautiful paradox poetry of the soul experienced through all time lines weaving some lovely pattern if we can only step back and look with a new perspective if we can only get out of our own way to see beyond the sea to a once upon a time when there was no time.
And unconditional understanding is the ecstasy and unification of this all. You miss me even though I am right in front of you. I do not know what to say I do not remember what you do, how can I go back to being someone I do not even remember being? I do not recall our connection the way you do I wish I could but sometimes I can feel it, its beyond words just little glimmering glimpses every now and then.

Oh gosh I’m 1000 miles away and lying next to you missing you to. Even out waiting for Wolf I did not really want to go out to his place. Wolf is alright but I do not think he really respects woman, he just likes to go for things that are not easy to get I do not want to be seen in this light. So why do I go? To teach him there are some girls he can love be in the same bed with out sex. A spoiled quantum prince rock star cannot always get what he wants. He does not get me like you and around him I do not have much confidence, all i know is I am supposed to work with him somehow not sure yet with what or in what way. My life is full of codes and puzzles that I have been teaching myself how to decipher and read.
Which leads me to something scary again how you talk about love what we know about this world and its idea of love and what it does to you. Is it an addiction to? Will I be your new cigarette always by your mouth? I think I am jealous of your cigarettes to. Did I cancel my trip to England and Africa because I would be worried I would miss you? Did you tell me what you did because you did not want me to go and leave you? I know what you said is true its just hard to take it all in and digest even except. Oh the codes of life and human emotions the deception and manipulation have taken place before we challenged each other to do just that.
You need lessons in kisses, and each woman is different and needs to be kissed in accordance to their energy your so in tune in so many ways but not yet there. And your hands i love them but I know you’re not the cleanest guy.
(lol I can not believe I said this in a letter damn I was bold. Oh by the way I like you but you’re not a good kisser. you kiss like a windshield wiper or a puppy licking your face and you smell super funky my nose can hardly handle this overpowering aroma.)

Then there is the things, you know, talk, write, draw, and create its incredible. I want to know how to see what you see not just to collect pieces of me but to better understand you and the world we think we live in. I am interested in developing my technology but you say I will not do it cause I am closed down. Do you mean cause I am hesitant to have a relationship with you or be intimate with you? And if I did I would have better access and understanding to my technology? Then you say I cannot access my own technology unless I can to manipulate you. What does that mean? It’s not ok for you to manipulate me but its ok for me to do it to you I just do not understand this. Did you ask for this or know this was to happen? How many times lines did we weave together? How many times has this happen before?

i do not want to be addicted to love it hurts to much but yes love is not rational nor does it care for human logic nor what me and you think nor feel. It only cares about the feelings beyond the feelings and the ideas and possibilities that lead to evolution not the opposite.
And what if I like you, your energy, your touch and your body too much then what?
Oh its all a hologram just detach do not care; shed your identity, ok and then I do and then what? Will I then not be important like you? Is that the plan? You always say you’re not important I wonder why? Well who wants to be important in a prison planet anyway?
Then what I am free to exit this planet no strings attached not caring about anything I used to care so much about? Is that freedom?
So all this is scary and I think maybe its better to go and leave you for a bit then I miss you and the paradox circle dance starts all over again. We both know the pattern so well and yet we fall prey every time what would it be like outside of the matrix is there love and missing others there to? Is it different there less conditioned?

Now we are both smart in mind emotions spirits and dimensions but is love smarter then all of those things combined? Or is love like god, nothing more then just another man mind manufactured invention a hoax that actually knows nothing at all but pretends like it knows everything and is all powerful?
And what does life look like now with such a perspective?
I’m not irresponsible or am I?

Movies like Disney’s tangled parallel my life a time line of mine I am sure. Speaking to me so many things in that movie.
These are the codes of life past and memories and stories that come to us along the way as we live our life.
My dad well I was thinking even if he is not my real dad like you say, that is fine it does not make me love him any less. I still respect him and his task and what he did and endured with me the patience and love and belief, damn that was no easy task and I felt his heart break a little more every passing day. I know the truth he did not really die of a brain hemorrhage but of a broken heart. I broke his heart. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

He once sang to me when i was little girl the song always went like this you are my poor little Cinderella but you will be a princess someday.
All little girls hope to one day be a princess
and the truth is they all are and so are all little boys actually prince.

When I got a bit older I was in love with an animated movie called Anastasia not to be confused with the ringing cedar Anastasia who is one of my special guides Semjase to. (I know longer promote the idea of guides, Semjase and Anastasia, I kept this in to show I still was holding onto some confusions at this time. I will get more into my transition out of guides later in future blogs.)
This Anastasia is the lost Russian princess Romanoff. This story was also made into an animated cartoon this movie like most fairytale-animated movies haunt me cause of the codes I see which I am pretty sure you see and pick up.

So you see this is why I ask you such questions and why I want to know I have so many riddles and codes, how are all these things connected? It’s not about being whole but undoing what was done for Rapunzel in tangled when she realized the truth. She took back her power was no longer lost or confused she was clear and knew what was going on and what she needed to do. She came into herself and she could never be manipulated or tricked again she had the courage she needed to have as well to love with out caution and fear.

So now you know why I want to know its not just cause i am so (koorius). (as Diego would pronounce it)
I want to know what you know I can not help it, its taken me over and your memory to. I do not want to be the confused girl at the ball dancing in dizzy circles like in the movie the labyrinth that one part you were watching on YouTube that one night. I want to shatter the mirror of illusion just like she did in that movie, I want to stop dancing whirling in circles forever having no comprehension how long we have been spinning like this.

I’m sorry I feel you so introverted right now and its so hard for me that I can not even look at you I’m a bit to shy now and so are you. I feel you’re hurting I wish could help. I never wanted to hurt you maybe that’s why I spoke in codes to you as well. Why it was so hard to tell you what was going on inside me how when you touched me so emotionally so sweetly.

PS    Your kissing has improved

Warm embrace laced in grace
thank you for you being you

Letter 5

Dear Jessica, I cannot see your thoughts but I can see the shapes of your emotional network and how it behaves according with your heart and mind together…
Well, actually I could see your thoughts in their elemental structure…
but, as you know, I do not want to use the remote viewing in order to see within you… that would be disrespectful (even if I do not sympathize that much with the word ‘respect’ but just with its meanings)…

Anyways I’m able to see, frequencially, the tides and the flowing of your emotional stream…
Interesting pictures comes from your shower’s projections images of a funny, interesting, pulsating, messy and tender future moment in the shower’s hologram.

It’s not always easy however it may seem the visualization of your emotional vibrations… as always your projections are genuinely placed within other projections and I like it.. But it takes time and delicacy to caress the faces of your inner kaleidoscope…
I know how I must & I have to cultivate this delicacy in order to see and deal with those faces…

Anyway thank you, sincerely… for the sharing of your sorrow you gave me last night…
I was almost aware of the suffering your lived (and you live sometime nowadays)…
but the translation of that sorrow into the present moment… the shadows of your unnecessary (but understandable) guilty… the vibrations generated by your body… and your tears … helped me a lot to understand your inner struggles…from all points of view… including the human one and its spectrum of understanding…

I truly cannot explain you the gratitude I felt because of your behavior… not by words… nor by actions.



Letter 6

Dear Diego. Here is something I just wrote that you inspired.

The blending mirth and mirage of our fears in dreams is a curious/koorius thing indeed oh we are chased by a monster we feel the fear that it will kill us. But what is your flesh in the dream? Where is it? What really dies? Perhaps the dream? An illusion that wrestles with the mystery of immortality. Oh life waking life you are but a dream to. Why then do we fear you dear life and our love house residence
in flesh? If it’s a dream to how can we believe we are in danger and need to fear or have anything truly to lose? If you were to exit your fleshy clothes would you then wake up in another dream? Can you control or gauge which dream, which time line parallel you go to by being calm and peaceful and clear even in the face of death? Or must we be conscious for all of life as well not just at our death? Can we say oh my time line for this incarnation dream initiation is at an end best to have a conscious death and focus clearly on where I would like to navigate this soul ship next? There are much more options then heaven and hell indeed let your imagination like Dorothy and Alice create the realm, the world of your desire. In the past in ancient tracks primitive times when people knew that death was due they would focus their soul on an object and jump inside of there. But there are much more options then this think remember the dance of your soul, and then go deep and beyond that to. Immortality is due once more knocking at your door. Will you pass it up saying you’re a fantasy that used to be true? Why would you believe in time say oh we are running out of time when in this moment is eternity it can be frozen and 1000 years can be lived out inside of you lasting forever or that 1000 years can be lived out in an instant, when you understand time you can stop it, or jump it, or bend it, or do what you like perhaps that’s enough to carry yourself and maybe human kind through their dark window of time. This is the purpose of the metaphorical rhyme. Please understand my codes and you to can be free from the matrix anomaly beyond the apprehension pressure oh the pressure of the radical realization its more internal eternal then you think. ~ Jessica

Letter 7

Dear Jessica, The experiencing of how the spectrum of life can freely change during dreams… is paradoxically the source of all archetypes in human consciousness even during dreams…

The dreamer, indeed, is also the dream…
There’s no separation between the dreamer and the dream he’s doing… (In the experiencing of a dream like reality)…
Indeed aren’t the intellectual understanding, but the simple experiencing of it that does the dream’s experiences…

So fear, in dreams, is no more but the shadow of the light people are experiencing all the time during the so-called ‘conscious life’…
During the so-called ‘conscious life’ (or ‘real life’) fear is real energetically, perceptively & psychologically …
‘real’. But not necessary…
While in dreams fear is just the shadow mind needs to be not so badly disconnected from what mind think the ‘real’ world’ should be…

The mind uses to behave exactly like an ‘obsessed mother’ most of the time…paying too much unnecessary attention…
protecting us against the limitless emotional technology… thinking often at emotions as a kind of virus…
or just as a ‘slacker’ son…

While such a ‘slacker’ son is simply the entity & the ethereal force that allows mind to live the experiencing of life itself… as well it is the dimensional ‘fuel’ that does everything in life, holograms and illusions too…
The ‘fuel’ this technology needs…

Such a paradoxical situation is the situation in which a mother misunderstands her creator by which I mean her (emotional field not god) with the own son (intellectual decoding of the emotional field)…
How can mind act severely toward emotions while emotions are the creators of mind itself…?

The need to dream happens because dreams have no needs…
And even more than that:
the need to dream happens because the dream’s technology, being strongly connected with the emotional technology, is the little flare of consciousness which still here in the human corrupted psyche… suggesting to the psychological maze how death is no more than an illusion being related with just the atomic body and just in few timelines…
Meaning: What dies here… exists somewhere else with eternal continuation…

Meaning again: There’s no beginning and no end…

So, being the so-called and falsely perceived ‘reality’ just a part of the whole dream… the fear of/on death and death itself is in itself a part of the dream too…

Death is both a ‘psychological toy’ to avoid intensity and the ‘glue’ the mind uses to make and think at the experiencing of ‘reality’ as ‘real’… while death is no more but a part of the entire dream…

So is death… so are fears related to death… so are feelings of guilty… so is when we miss something… and so on…

There’s is no ‘reality’ ’cause reality is illusion…
but being reality an illusion & no more but illusion… meaning something ‘not real’…
each reality is no real in itself… not in the conscious life nor in dreams …time lines as well
and so is death…

Stop caring on what’s real and what’s not and join and enjoying the ethereal existence beyond whatsoever ‘reality’ or ‘illusions’… such a feeling and willingness to stop caring on it is a part of the emotional technology… and the emotional technology is no more but the creator of life itself… no matter if in ‘dreams’, ‘realities’, ‘birth’, ‘life’ or ‘death’…

Most of the cases mind misunderstands emotions and emotions misunderstands mind…that’s your first family and responsibility and you can not have them understand each other then good luck with trying to fix your life or the world.. For this is the way to misunderstand life itself… as well the source of all conflicts, all fears and the invention of all enemies…

The meaning & ‘sense’ of reality is a pathless land…
The meaning of ‘go beyond’ is creation of life…


Letter 8

Dear Diego, its not that I love you any less then other days cause I did give you a kiss good bye.
But I think I have another love in which I am now becoming aware of and that is a love to protect my confusion and pain. Why do we protect something that is not good for us? That continues to have us so screwed up?
This is why I am sad when I talk to you as I thought I was different but I see I am just as lost as anyone else in this world and its a bitter pill to swallow. You make me painfully aware of this and there is nowhere I can run and hide from this realization that is not just my responsibility but the worlds.


Letter 9

Dear Jessica, Your essence shines within this poem ’cause these words are not coming from the intellect nor from the past. Indeed between these word there’s the scent of familiarity, brotherhood of & in emotions & liberation itself…

A tree touches the air and the depth of the ground at the same time…
If it burns, other trees will come out from its fertile ashes…
if flooded by waters its seeds will spread anyway..
In the womb of the emotional ‘gods’ there’s always light wisdom ready to give fruits…
So is that Tree, so is the real Jessica and all of her shadows

I love you (this is something Diego never says this is the only time he has ever said it to me, as he really does not like these. I will elaborate more on this later especially when I started to say this word to him)




Chapter: 6 Stench and Stenchability

So you would think with seeing what Diego wrote to me at the time that you would think you was all keen to rush into the sack. I have mentioned a few times we were not intimate until later and here is why and what happened. After the call I had with my ex, Diego and I had our first kiss. I decided that night when he touched me like an ipod I would move my lips near his and let him know that I was more inclined to go there. Of course kissing him more intensely was a bit of a shock to my senses as I mentioned in the above chapter and it took some time to get used to his aroma and help him understand how I like to be kissed and such.

It seemed he like to spray hairspray on his face or apply tiger balm on his face and then I guess he would lick his lips and his tongue and I could taste this ewe. When I ask him, “Did he eat hair spray or something? He responded saying “No I just like the alcohol on my face.”  One time after I just brushed my teeth I kissed him and he said,  “Yuck what is that? To which I responded explaining that, “its called tooth paste, minty fresh, and its good. Glad to know I have something to get you back with now.


Diego’s unique smell should be an ability on its own as anyone that can cultivate such an odor must be super human but same for someone who can handle such a stench should be classified as an X-men ability as well.

Yes his smell takes some getting used to. (I actually almost forgot about his funky smell until our recent guests here brought it up to me. She asked me, “How do I stand his odor?” Then while I was working on this blog going through our old letters and I read how I told him straight up dude you reek. How about you dismantle that stench? I even recall asking his ex girlfriend about this and she said, “oh that, ya you will get used to it.”)

Sure enough that is what happened though some pioneers that come and visit us are a bit baffled how one can get used to such an odorous creature. Well you cannot expect a man who has a maggot community in his sock drawer to smell as fresh as a daisy.  When we brought this to Diego’s attention, the next day he went out with these people he doused himself in cologne. Yes that’s a great strategy, rather then shower just apply more cologne. I think we have all done this. So Mr. I do not care, does a care but only a tiny bit.


As for me it’s my stenchablity to withstand extreme stench.

To me Diego does not have a foul odor just well its just uh one of a kind. And I have to confess now that I actually really like his odor now. Perhaps that’s love I don’t know. They say love makes you blind but for me it makes it odorless as well.

Though Diego does seem to have some bathroom ritual but I do not think it requires him washing his hair as he hates his hair getting wet he will do what ever he can to protect his hair from water, like holding the umbrella over just himself it does not matter if I am around or other girls getting wet, the umbrella is for him and his hair. He does not care that the umbrella he carries around is a kids or girls umbrella colored purple with flowers on it and a tacky gold handle and even more tacky gold tassels uhg. You can imagine how bad ass that looks for a guy all in black like the matrix cruising on his motor bike with such an umbrella. When some friends and I brought this up to him, he just says, “I like my hair to be petrified, I hate it hanging on my face.”

So what does he do exactly in the bathroom? Well he spends more time in there then I do. I know most of the time is spent with a blow dryer to his ear.

I have never seen a toothbrush or toothpaste in the bathroom ever since I have known him; there is no signs of dental hygiene life in the bathroom. I am pretty sure he has not used a toothbrush since he was a kid.  When I asked him about this, he confirmed my theory was true. “But ewe Diego why don’t you brush your teeth?” “I do not like it and all the nerves are dead in my teeth so there is no need to.” Oh there is a good reason to no longer brush never mind that teeth change color regardless if you can feel any thing in your mouth or not.

I can almost see Diego in his morning routine and what that looks like as if I was a fly on the wall. I can just see him fixing his hair for a while, trying to get it just right, maybe while he is posing like Zoolander and of course making duck lips that he always writes about girls doing that all the time in picture; but yet his profile picture always has him making duck lips.

Anyway It’s really it’s a total mystery what he does in the bathroom every morning. (Mental note set up secret camera in there to find out.)

As for his clothes he seems to only wash them by leaving them outside to sit in the rain. He does not like how washing detergent removes the black color, so he does not use it. Yes making sure you clothes look the blackest is more important then cleanliness. I have never seen him own or wear deodorant either and he likes to wear long sleeve shirts and long black pants in this tropical weather.

So his clothes is pretty much always permeated in smoke and B.O. (Hey Einstein Eureka, YouReakuh) I asked him one time if he had a washing machine as I did not see one in the house and I thought I would do him a favor of washing his clothes for him, “He responded with what is a washing machine?” When I explained it to him it was apparent he did not have one. He said he had no need for one, and nor did he want me to wash his clothes. I am not his maid. Ok well you have a game plan for your clothes but what about mine? So I took it on myself to wash my clothes the old fashioned way with a bucket of water a scrub brush and some soap then hanging the clothes out to dry. (FYI do not bring nice clothes to Bali the humidity can make your clothes mold fast. If you come to Bali one day bring casual practice disposable clothes.)

If only our technology was advanced enough to make this a scratch and sniff blog.

Of course I would never say to him if you love me you would stop smoking or shower like say many do they use that card to get their way in order to change the person. Diego and me are about letting each other be who they are and what we want. We can make suggestions to one another but its up to us if we want to listen or not. Then we have to ask ourselves is this really something or just another conditioning. There is no changing for someone else that must be done just for ourselves otherwise if we do it for others then we start with little changes till the point we do not know who we are anymore as we become something we are not. Which happens so much in a relationship we tailor ourselves to suite our partner of how we think they are or would like us to be. Which is another reason relationships so sour after awhile as you first connected cause you were inspired by we could be our own person so freely until it changes when we start to get serious with the person. I am not saying I did not struggle with this because I did but more on that in the next blog.

One more observation I made on living with an observer. I’m not sure I could say his sense of smell is pretty good well to a degree in that he can smell if an animal has been to our house. I cannot smell this and I wonder if he actually smells them or feels their energy? As one time when we were taking care of a kitten, she pooped all over the floor and I could not sleep because the stench was so foul. The next morning I asked Diego if he was able to get any sleep because of the odor and he was like, “What odor? I slept fine.” Then later the cat pooped again right beside his desk as he was working away there. I said uh, don’t you smell anything? Come on how can you not smell that?” and he said, “No not at all.” That’s when I showed him the crap and he was like oh I can’t smell it. So I think he is also the unsmellable as well. Though I have to add due to the immense joy I get from farting my mother had referred to me as a fragrant girlfriend I never foresaw that I would have a man out stench me and damn that is surprisingly sexy.



Chapter: 7 The Unseducible


Despite his unique one of a kind aroma that has no words to describe as it exists in the unknown.’ I still wanted to rock the casba with him and take it further to go for the home run.


But this operation was a bit of a tricky task because there was the Eo sleeping downstairs the walls are full of holes and bamboo thin so anything we do will make noise for him. Eo is a virgin; I did not want to stain his virgin ears. It would be kind of embarrassing and awkward. Not just that our bed was a tattletale there was no way to go further with the D man with out Eo hearing something under these circumstances. What can I tell Eo oh we were just moving furniture around yes in the middle of the night in the dark you should try it sometime.

Oh ya and then their was another major factor of hindrance to achieving the horizontal mambo and that was that Diego is utterly and completely un-seducible.


Diego never objectified me or saw me as a piece of meat, he never flirted with me really either, what I thought he was doing in the bed, the ways he touched me like an ipod was surprisingly not flirting either it was something completely different. At first it was nice, and sweet but then it became annoying when the full realization of attraction dawned on me. Then again this man is a totally anomaly to a point it became almost curious, if it was a challenge, ok I was up for it.

I would paint my face and dress up a bit more sometimes even sexy just to see if that would get more of his attention, to make him randy for me, but that was to no avail. I felt like the Wiley Coyote  from Warner Brothers cartoon with my various attempts to seduce the D man from the acme sexy collection.

I tried nibbling his ear and licking the back of the neck when we went to for bike rides, and nothing.

I even tried walking around nude, he did not bat an eye to that.


He told me how he had a girl couch surfer stay with him walk around nude and he never ogled them the girls were shocked but then she felt good to feel comfortable and free. He also told me how he had shared his bed with 4 other women with his girlfriend and there were no sexual thoughts or anything like that just good conversation and then sleep.

Then there was the model that couch surfed with him that tried to seduce him to no avail and she pulled out all the stops and was drop dead gorgeous to. She asked him flat out to have sex and when he asked, “why? She responded with, “uh cause its fun.” and this response turned him off and annoyed him. Sex to him is not fun its intense it’s a co sharing not something to be thrown around as entertainment or distraction that will only end up robbing our minds once again.

This girl even master-bated in front of him, grabbed his parts and apparently not even that worked and flat tent. He just said, “Let me know when your done, I’m going outside to have a cigarettes, perhaps you will be into thinking more deeply after you got that out of your system.”


Then there was another model that asked to stay at his place. She apparently called him in the middle of the night, which he did not like at all, so he ignored her call.

She then wrote him the next day apologizing for how late she called; she had no idea it was so late there as in the states it was only the afternoon. His response was, Well I am glad you realized that the world is not flat and is a sphere.” Then he said she could not stay with him and she was so shocked she had never been turned down before and she sent many sexy pictures to Diego all to no avail.


You will never catch Diego looking at sexy girls online or anything like that.

Most people think if a guy does not check out a girl then he must be gay but this was not the case with Diego either. It turns out he was not gay at all. Though he has had offers from other men he has always turned them down. He has only been with woman. Actually he has had a lot of girl friends; he has not really been single since he was 15. Most of his ex girlfriends are all good friends with him; they all keep in touch with him to this day.

Diego is just totally secure in him self in that way.  Even when I walked, I have this way I walk which is a wiggle that is considered attractive to most men. But to him I walked like a duck (I walk with my feet inverted. Both my feet turn in on the inside rather then outside.) Sometimes Diego would photo-shop pictures with my head on a ducks body. I actually really like when a men does not make comments like your sexy or hot, its mostly a turn off to me as it seems they do not care what you have to say or care what kind of person you are just that your hot. I will only talk to you if your hot, that always irked me. So I have to confess I started getting off by turning men off I would tell others I would not be interested in a guy unless he was able to give me a heart-on.

Anyway its one thing for some random guy to call you hot like a cheesy pick up line but when your interested in but when someone is your partner then its fine for them to say your hot and all those compliments, its most welcome then, so I thought.


Oh what the heck what is the point of all the letters he wrote to me, all the things he did and said, the many attempts to get me to consider being his partner if your not interested in sexy times with them? It just did not make sense to me. We were both interested in each other so what gives? Why doesn’t he want me? I do not want anyone else. Most us think if they love you and you love them the next logical thing to do is sex right? Nope. This is what I mean with us saying we do not want the cliché but secretly we actually do.


I started to get really curious curious since it seemed I was not able to turn him on with my physical form I wondered what is sexy to him?

He thinks Mystique in the X-men movie is sexy but not when she is in her human form but when she in her blue form with yellow eyes of course. (Interesting side note, that at first seemed like a coincidence but now I am pretty sure its not. Or how his ex girlfriend has a similar name and facial expressions as me.

Anyway I decided to ask Diego more about what is sexy to him, with Eo present in the room at the time, Diego’s response made both of us break down into laughter, he said, “a tranisourus-rex in a pink mini skirt is sexy to him.” And yes he was completely serious.

Then he said, “I think it’s cute how you walk Jessica, you walk like a dinosaur.” (Oh how romantic, that’s what a girl wants to hear.) “But, I said, you said I walk like a duck?”

“To which he responded what do you think a dinosaur is?” (Touché.)

All right so he likes my walk, that helps, but its not enough, I wanted him to want me as bad as I wanted him. So how do you seduce a guy like Diego? What turns him on? A girl that is not confused or she is at least willing to work at that. This represents intelligence to him. I heard him say he rather be partners with a woman in her 80s who had some ruins of intelligence sensitivity and creativity then a young sexy confused girl who does not know how to think.


So what gives I thought? Why would he touch me like an ipod, he seemed so interested in my body, ask me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, have me and Eo with him for free, write me these letters that were so beautiful, and yet when I when I finally decided to give into him, he was not interested? What gives, was he playing hard to get or something? This also then made me suddenly very intrigued about his previous girl friends. What where they like? What was their relationship like? How did they handle Diego? What could they advice me about this enigma in black?

First thing I needed to figure out was Eo, perhaps I could suggest him to try sleeping at another place for a bit just to give him a break from being on the floor. Of course I made it seem like I was doing a good deed for Eo but my true intentions were I wanted Diego alone and all to myself. We only had a few more weeks till Eo was heading back to Australia but I was getting restless and more and more hot and bothered. Ok I know I was cold and frigid with him before. I am like that when it comes to all guys until I decide to give them a chance in a relationship. Which does not happen often, but when it does the guy better look out, because then I flip to the other side of that pendulum. We hold back and hold back our sex drive but when it’s finally free the person of our interest better look out.

I really started to wonder, it was clear to me that Diego was actually telling the truth to me when he said sex was the last thing he wanted from me. Ok he wanted my freedom, I knew that, but what did it mean what did it look like? The more I got to know him I could clearly see he was not really interested in my personality, my body, or my mystic side, he was not so interested in having my love, he did not want my heart, no he was interested in something else, and that was my unconscious mind and my relationship I was having myself inside my mind. Now that is tricky thing because one is not aware of their unconscious mind yet he some how is. So what exactly did it mean? Why does that mean something to him? What does a relationship mean to him?


When I finally did have Diego alone, even after Eo had left there was another thing that came up that put the brakes on again of us being intimate. And that was that I was trapped in the past every kiss and touch sent my mind back in time when I was with my ex. The memories were so strong they always forced them selves to the for-front of my mind, destroying any chance for a tender present moment to be had between us. Since Diego knew my mind and the pictures coming up it was clear that this was not going to work, until the 3rd person could be left out, the pictures and the thoughts in my mind during times of potential intimacy. He even saw when I was thinking shallow thoughts about our bodies, which would ruin the moment. Its not easy to always remind yourself that the person your with can see your thoughts, careful not to fall into negligent conditioned thinking.

It was clear the past had to be removed from the equation there must a clean slate.

For him his mind pictures and feelings during intimacy were not based on lust or past partners or any of those things. His intimacy acts with me were never made derogatory or perverted with messed up fantasies like so many tend to cultivate now a days, that leave one or the other partner prostituted or feeling used and thus empty. For example kisses and touching of my elbow brought him to a field of flowers, my cheeks brought images to him of leafs falling in slow motion, and so every body part was some serenity of nature. The micro of the macro our body is a micro version of a planet so it would make sense that when totally clear in our mind that touches lead us back to nature images in our mind and not kinky sex images that take us away from our natural pure nature.

This was frustrating for me because it seemed so easy for him and challenging for me. How do I think with out the past? Or at least without the same thinking that created the past? More riddles and more motivation for me to dismantle. It was not about to have sexy times or being in a relationship with Diego, it was about my mind and how poor I was in there. How much I had been robbed and living a counterfeit existence of life and experiences, how it should be rather then how it really is to the point that we cannot seem to see past our own confusion walls we put up. He kept reminding me it was not about our relationship but my relationship with myself. But I am not just sharing about all this for myself, because I know so many others have had the same thing happen to them as well. Some of these things are so subtle no one even bothers to think about them or question them anymore we just assume its natural but its not at all. So if I dismantle this to and get to the bottom of this then perhaps it can also help others to dismantle the same thing? If I’m able to recognize and see the tired old pattern and break it maybe I can make this collective wave of historical collective conditioning a little less strong. Maybe I can be a pioneer in my own mind, and then if I can do it then others will feel more inspired to do the same. Surely when one fully understands then another can and another till many help me break this damb damn. It is what as known as the hundred monkey effect.



Chapter: 8 Adventures with Eo

The following are highlight posts written by Eo from his perspective about his time with us. It was nice to have Eo with me in the early times of my meeting Diego. I am also sharing this to give you an idea of the outer life in Bali adventures to be had things to do and the relationship we all had with each other. When I share things I like for it not to be bias I like to give as many perspectives as I can. That being said we had a lot of fun together. One time a Balinese neighbor asked Diego who Eo was?  He responded with, “He is my son.” and the locals believed him I also adding, “and I’m his mom.” Other times I would say I was Eo’s grandmother or 3rd niece 2wice removed: D

a) Relations With Nature: – The other day me jess and Diego found a large beetle and when Diego picked it up by its back, is screeched and I was baffled as I never have heard a bug like this anywhere, that showing a bug that could screech, or make such sounds that actually sounded like a static TV/radio channel. Very amazing! Jess thought maybe he was swearing at us in beetle language.

b) Frogs & Dragonflies: – Jess and I were standing by Diego’s pond and Jess was said, “I wonder where the frogs are?” Then from nowhere, seriously, from nowhere! a frog landed on the veranda from who knows were. When we went down to schnookm this little being, I wondered what its like to see through its eyes, and so I tried to do just that. Then it turned its head at me and jumped on me and wanted to be on me.

A few days before jess was teaching me how to communicate with the dragonfly, by bobbing your head in the same way it does to you and it will bob back either the same or do a new kind of bob that it will challenge you to do as well. I went out side again later on the same day observing the space behind the bushes and a dragonfly landed right on a leaf directly in front of me. I thought hmm, I wonder what its like to see the world through its eyes, and I bobbed my head. And guess what do you know what it did? It bobbed its head quickly right back and flew off. It was a very magical experience nearly left me in tears because it was more then the dragonfly and I. I’ve never experienced having animals respond to me like that before, it was the relations with nature.

c) White Water Rafting: – I had an awesome day rafting with jess and this hilarious Balinese rafter instructor who kept laughing hysterically when he tricked or distracted us then he would make the boat bump into rocks. He had the funniest laugh ever hahahahahahhaha. Also he was trying out ways to pick up Jess from the get go. Diego of course did not come but me and Jess were laughing imagining how he would be if he was there with us dressed all in black smoking a cigarette as we did our best impressions of his thick Italian accent and our favorite saying from him “I can but why?” XD Jess and I decided to be tricky as we wanted to merge with the energy of the jungle surrounding, so at one point we sat back and relaxed while we were supposed to be paddling ‘helping the raft move’ hahaha well it was fun while it lasted. Amazing breathtaking scenery! It’s a shame, I didn’t have waterproof camera. These moments can be captured again, as I’m pretty sure we’ll go back. But wow such an amazing energy in the canyons powerful and free the bright colored electric blue birds with bright red beaks and the monkeys in the trees as we rafted passed. Here is one of the video I made with Eo at this time, there are more but I have yet to put them up. Maybe I will get around to it soon.

-The rest of the posts are by me- 

d) Snorkeling: – I Took Eo snorkeling today he confessed he never had done it before except in a pool. So today he got to experience the life in the ocean rainbow diversity show first hand. I myself have snorkeled a couple times so for me the highlight was not the fish but seeing Eo’s face and how happy he was swimming in the water like a fish looking like some exotic merman himself. Oh i was happy to be there to give him these first experiences. I absolutely love experiencing others joy second hand it shoots my joy through the roof. I love finding out what people love the most and finding unique fun ways to surprise them and bring those dreams about.

e) Orphanage & Green School: -We also went to an orphanage and it wasn’t very good. We went there because I liked the idea of traveling and visiting orphanages, I managed to do it in the Philippians, and that was interesting but this was awkward, as it was my exes mothers orphanage that she helped fund, and she made me promise her when I went to Bali I would go there and look in on them. But this orphanage was pretty depressing and the boys and me did not feel comfortable with the energy there, it felt more like church or a school then an orphanage.

I much more preferred The Green School that is here. It’s a school that’s based around permaculture, and educating the children on free energy, and ways to exist in harmony with nature. There are even farm animals all around so the kids can learn first hand. The school is made entirely out of bamboo and is mostly in the trees, it’s kind of a tree fort school. Talk about making school cool. The school holds free tours once a week however; it’s not cheap to put your kids in this school. For more information here is the website. or you can watch this video

f) Videos with Diego & I: – It was also around this time that Diego and I did two videos one was about judgment because I was talking about Diego a lot on my facebook and the love and lightworkers were saying Diego was evil when they looked at pictures of him. So we made this video.

Then we made another video on relationships because we were also getting lots of questions from others about our relationship and our advice on them.

g) Night Out & Permaculture in Bali: –Today we attended some Balinese festivities. There were many people that were very loud and an obnoxious boisterous speaker. We are all very sensitive to things like this and can not stay in places like this for very long, as I start to burn up my hands fire out orb like energy balls and I can not help but tuck myself into a ball in the corner of the crowd and just observe. So a party and club person I am so not. I never could handle the energy at places like that. Good thing I had my boys Eo & Diego to look out for me.  Diego introduced me to a really interesting person; he lives in the north of Spain on a per-ma culture eco community. He told me its a place where anyone can come and stay for free and learn a whole bunch of interesting things about per ma-culture as well. They live with out money and are in people are respected and not worked like dogs feeling forced and pressure to earn their keep. so anyone looking for an eco community to live in and you have little to no money this may be the place for you. If you do go please let me know how you find it so i can further promote and look in on it. here is the links. i will see if i can interview the guy as well.

h) Diego’s Observations Living with Eo & I: – I Actually spent most of my time with Eo. I was gone everyday with him doing stuff. I later found out it was challenging for Diego to have us both staying at his place. We were both negligent in our own ways. I one time told Diego I was going out for an hour and did not come back for 3 days which is pretty bad, when he told me I did this I was not even aware. I am guessing at that time I thought this was freedom to come and go as I pleased. I did not have a phone and did not want to have one. I would just show up randomly which I can see now is not very considerate. Eo always complained about Diego smoking saying he was allergic to Diego’s smoke and he should stop, as it is not healthy for him or for others to be exposed to. I myself did not feel it was fair to say that to Diego it was his place and if he wanted to smoke that was his thing. It’s not fair to push a person to do something you want them to do, because it matches your ideal values. Diego is who he is, you have to take him as he is, or it’s not going to work. Eo also would make messes for Diego, leaving lots of dirty tissue everywhere, which Diego did not appreciate very much. Diego also did all the cooking and cleaning to, (well Diego’s idea of clean.) It was not that Diego wanted us to clean or anything like that, he just wanted us to be able to observe ourselves. How it was a reflection of our inner mess and lack of self-awareness and neglected relationship with our perception. He wanted us to observe how we lived and thought and inquire why are we like this, why do we do what we do. He sat waiting patiently for us to clue in on, but at that time like I said I was gone everyday with Eo looking for some adventures to be had and shared before he had to leave and go back to Australia. I guess I wanted his time here his first trip to be special and he did not want to hang out with anyone but me so I felt compelled to be with him, all the time he seemed to be waiting for me while Diego seemed to always be busy in his own world. Until one day when Diego brought it to my attention. I said, “I’m just living life and experiencing fun, it’s a good way to pass the time. Besides you never want to come with us it seems you always have something else to do anyway, so I make myself busy to.”  He said, “I’m not busy, I’m waiting.” “Really, I said, well you could have fooled me what are you waiting for exactly?” He said “You, I have been waiting you, I have been waiting for you, for a long time, even when your right next to me in my bed, and I here I am still waiting for you.” “Really, I said, because I have been waiting for you to. I just thought you were busy with something and well I did not want to bother you so I thought I would make the most of my time. But if you’re waiting for me and I’m already here, what do you mean by this, because I’m here.” “Not fully, he said, you need to be fully here, not always hiding yourself in distractions. I’m waiting for you to be here fully, ready and willing to understand. But Diego, “That is what I am here for, that’s what I have been doing all this time.” “No its still an entertainment for you, something to write about but its more then that its your life and your other life you have forgotten about, it’s the whole world to and all who exist in it. Can you see it? Can you see it past all the special effects and smoke mirrors?” What do you mean I asked what special effects are you talking about?” He said with a subtle smile on his face, “Perhaps its better to show you maybe then you will see what I am getting at, and maybe not. It could distract you as well then it will take you even more time to understand.”



Chapter: 9 Abilities or Distractions?

Chapter Disclaimer: – I actually wrote this chapter 7 months ago but most of it got deleted and I thought I would rewrite it but never did and now I see why I delayed myself in posting something like this. As this can be easily misunderstood and end up putting Diego on a pedestal the very pedestal I have worked hard to remove myself from. Please understand to think that Diego is special or gifted because he can do things that bend the mind is hazardous for the psyche. As then one starts to think in separation comparing and frustration. Everyone can do these things when they understand and deal with their confusion. Yes there are others who can still do such things in confusion but that become a mess and exploitation more on that later.  To want to be able to have abilities because they are cool or will be used to escape or distract the mind should not be the reason for one to want to do such things.  Please do not write Diego asking him how he does such things he will either not answer you or like in the first chapter of this blog Diego will have you thinking behind what you think you want, and why you want it, which can sometimes really freak a person out.  A person can have abilities when they are confused but its very dangerous. So please do not think that having abilities will help you in some way. Diego does not want psychic abilities to be the focus of what we are all about either, it’s just a small side effect when one dismantles. I fell into the same trap of putting him on a pedestal and felt so inferior thinking I have such a long way to go in order to think and be like that. Which is comparing and that is something he has told me never to do, as it will just lead to more confusion and frustration, he was right about that more on that in the next blog. As I have pretty much done what he has suggested not to do, maybe just to understand, our because I am at the mercy of historical patterns, or maybe because I suspected reverse psychology was necessary in order to understand if observing others do it is not enough.

The main reason I am sharing this about him, (after I asked his permission, though he rather I not write about this as he is concerned that others will care more about abilities then their psychological freedom.), is because all my life I have met so many people interested in psychic abilities that it’s a major reason spirituality has become so appealing to the masses. Following this and that spiritual person, master, guru, techniques, method, book, ritual, routine, religion, inner child, starseeds, conspiracies magic, prayer, alien abduction, gods, divine, kundalini merkabah, tantra, positivity, love, light, values, mediation, yoga, crystals, diet etc. all in hopes of becoming enlightened and developing psychic abilities.  Yet Diego is a guy who has never given a damn about those things or people or deities in fact he even goes as far to discourage people from perusing that route, as he can clearly see a danger in it that few are able to see.  Diego really makes all those things seem ridiculous and makes you ask yourself what the heck are we doing? Diego does not preach on any of the above things yet he is able to do the things we have only read about or have yet to fathom. I see so many ridicule him and get upset with what he shares but I know those people are a mess and really do have no clue what they are saying, Diego constantly brings that to my attention every time. So to me that confirms that Diego indeed lives his talk fully. Even when he uses his abilities, it’s never to show off or show what he can do to impress or exploit himself or others, in anyway that are also a very impressive, rare and sexy, it should even be considered an ability in itself. As most of the people who do have such psychic abilities, when its not a fake, tend to exploit themselves or others in one way or another be it making a profit off it or showing off etc.  To Diego that is totally stupid and not only a waste of energy but also a prostitution of energy and it will lead to confusion more traps and more limbos.

a) Humanities Psychology on Psychic Abilities: – Diego and me have been watching movies like ‘Phenomena,’ ‘Chronicle’ & ‘Powder’ These are movies about X-Men with some amazing super powers. So many people dream of being able to do such things. Oh we have heard the stories of the masters and the things they have been able to do.  We want to do the same so we study everything we can on spirituality metaphysics esoteric ancient teachings etc. Oh how great it would be to have such abilities to fly and move stuff with our mind. X- men and Chronicles are interesting movies because they represent people who have such powers but mentally and emotionally are not mature enough to handle such. And thus end up being used and abused as super soldiers to fight in battles caught in duality mentality good verses evil cliché. It’s all so insecure. If they did their inner work (and I don’t mean meditate) then this would not be the case they would not be used to play the old tired game out yet again and instead find ourselves living in psychological peace. Then what would you do with your abilities if you had peace and no conflict no super villain to take on? Rather then not feeding either polarity and making peace with in so in order to have no more mirror reflected projected conflict. We can finally evolve beyond that. Nowadays so many want abilities to prove themselves that they can that they are enlightened or special, so they can show it off and get some fame money and power. The ones who do have such powers that I know keep it real hush and only tell ones who they can trust to not put them on the spot and pedestal they tell the ones who can see past such to the truth of it all. They do not want to have such abilities shared as party tricks then to the freak show circus of separation games. The ones that have peace inside do not want the attention and they teach by example but it seems most do not want to think or understand more deeply about this, they just want miracles from them. Then people start to feel inferior, how come they can do this but I cannot they must be someone special. Imagine people with abilities struggled with being liked more for what they can do rather then who they are as a person. So people start to think perhaps they can help me with this or to heal that. The ones who are legit tend to have a demeanor and characteristics, insight and compassion like the movie Phenomena and Powder. They want only simple things like to go home, or to ‘get out’ and live their life peacefully, quietly, but when others find out that someone has abilities then they immediately want a piece of them expecting them to fix and heal all their problems. People tend to become fanatics and worshipers all to fast and it’s a scary thing like in the movie “Phenomena” when the John Travolta’s character went public trying to calmly explain how things work and the people became maniac. Or in the movie Powder how quick people were to get freaked out and make all kinds of judgments, fear and violence. When people like Powder help it tends to be looked over because it comes from humble means or beyond explanation or a pure heart, it’s too hard to explain and analyze and yet its too simple for such complex comprehension construction of life based on measures and meanings alone, its just not enough to understand. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who was like Powder?


Scientist tend to want to analyze their brains thinking that there they may find the answers oh they say think of what a contribution you will make to science. But sorry scientists, we are not our brains and the answers are not there, try again. The abilities come from the understanding of energy the oneness of it all (actual oneness which is unpleasant to digest not the rhetorical fake oneness that the masses preach now a days.) and the communication with it, it’s a matter of being bilingual in energy and all life forms tongue, such as math, binary, and algorithms, from organic to inorganic these are the things I have felt but could not quite do it, until I witnessed Diego in action of such. To Diego abilities are boring its not as interesting or as important as dismantling confusion its clear that is were his passion and focus is. which is why he writes buckets of letters posts in hopes people will eventually understand what he is trying to say. I am doing my best to help him with this.

The following are some things I have witnessed him do, with his full understanding and integrations of the things he shares, he lives as well, he does indeed walk his talk and the results are as follows.


b) Patience: – First of all there are things that some may not think is an ability but to me it is, such as Diego’s patience, I have never seen anyone as patient as him its almost inhuman.  He seems to have a vast understanding of things beyond fathoming, and he rarely gets angry not for the things that most people get angry for at least. To him crying or getting angry over a cause is not worth the energy nor does it lead to any understanding or to see clearly what is really going on and why it happens. All the times I got upset with him and tried to pick a fight with him he was nothing but kind and gentle and forgiving he did not hold any grudges or anything like that, nor did he ever take it personally, he would not get involved in such frustrations either. However that does not mean he would just take anger directed at him either he would just turn it back at me. He wanted me to have room to make my mistakes in hopes that I would understand and inquire what is behind such circular thinking age-old patterns and where exactly is this coming from. I’m not saying find some reason that happened in the past as to why we are certain way, as it does not matter what happened to us in our past it’s the past. So many say for example I struggle and am depressed cause I was raped in the past but that’s not why they struggle, they struggle because of the relationship we have with the memory we let it haunt us and rape us rather then have our memories just serve as data bank of experiences to understand no we just relive the same memories over and over and cry about it just like a Groundhog day movie existence. Even if we were not raped we still rape ourselves with our memories any memories that allows the past or misty ideals from others to confiscate our life our sensitivity and our imagination.

The only thing that Diego he would not tolerate with me was apathy or what he calls self commiseration when I got like this he would do things that were unexpected which would kind of shock me so that I could snap out of that funk. I would get upset with him because sometimes when I get like this I would just want to be held by him and comforted telling me everything would be alright, but he never would. Being held has always been a big thing to me I always talked about it in everything that I did. I did I even ended all my emails with warm embrace laced in grace, I traveled the world holding and comforting so many I expected that the man I choose to be with would do the same for me. This was not the case with Diego, I do not know why I keep comparing him to other guys and what others do in relationships because as you see that this is anything but a typical relationship and Diego is not like any other guy either. He wanted me to see what self commiseration is related to which is consensus (getting others to agree with your apathy and feel for you, to give you the attention and affection you need as it’s a drug that is called for when one is feeling insecure and does not want to think past this but to cover it up or pass the time) and self commiseration is related to confirmation, false self esteem and confidence, which is a hoax to him. I really struggled with this one, as I could not understand why he would not give me such drugs even just a little bit so I could feel better. I mean come on must everything we do and think be a lesson in dismantling?

c) Sight: – Diego also can see very far away almost as if he can zoom in and out of things he one time informed me of a coin on a roof that was so far away I was like how the heck can you see that then he went on to say which coin it was and what was on it, when I checked this I found he was accurate. He can see in this way because of an accident he had where he lost some of his hearing and due to him being slightly deaf in one ear. It has been known if one loses one sense then the others get stronger and to make up for what is lacking. That is indeed the case with Diego. But I do not know of anyone else slightly deaf that can see like an owl can see.

d) Creativity: – His creativity is an ability in itself, as it seems to know no bounds and have no end. He is always using his creativity and mind together in one way or another. He is always understanding with out learning new things with out forcing himself, he always makes it fun and interesting for himself keeping in mind the wholeness of the mind and how everything connects to everything else and how it all works. He loves finding new ways to do things. It’s really interesting for me to observe this observer in active peace action. He is always inventing some ‘MacGyver’ contraption always only using what’s available around the house or dissecting problems. For example he took a broken umbrella, a tin can, some broken CDs, broken phone, some coins, and Pringles chip container followed by some tin foil put it all together somehow to make some device that greatly improves our shitty internet connection. At one point I will take a picture of it but I am kind of nervous to go near it because I one time dropped it and he had fix it.

Diego draws and paints constantly he makes clay sculptures. His two art influences are Monniae and Rene Magritte. (Apparently Rene was successful in ‘getting out.’) Diego also writes and makes digital pictures every day. He always has to decorate or modify any conventional device into his own thing. He does not create for anyone but himself. He does not care what others think; he is very focused on cultivating his own inner world. He will not change his work for anyone.  He is always thinking, perceiving, feeling, creating, communicating and creating.  His art is always not just art but mathematics and science higgs boson and so much more, its so complex detailed layered and coded; sometimes when I ask him to explain to me his newest photoshop (actually its gimp software he uses) picture or drawing/painting if and when I can get past his classified response, its always rather advanced and above my head it pushes me to remove more layers to understand better but its not easy. He makes videos, teaches himself new software, he once made a 7 hour documentary all by himself done in English even though he just started learning English called ‘The Dormant Awaken’ that was filmed in India, Singapore and Bali. His English in that documentary is funny but still very good; he is adorable in this documentary and you can see how passionate he is about his message and how he gives people a voice that has never had a voice before. His lips seem to have a personality all its own. Here is the link to it.

His creativity is a precise technology to him and it has more then one use then what is perceived. He seems to not care about the results of what he creates he can throw them out no problem the most important thing is the journey while he is creating and that time he can exist outside of mind outside of the known having a relationship with his imagination and beyond co-creating with what he calls is the total mind that seem to make doors from one realm to another, more on that later.

e) Seeing Through my Eyes-Diego is so attentive there seems to be nothing that he misses even when it comes to seeing out of my own eyes. One night while I was on my computer sitting in the bed and he was on the other side of the room working at his desk he asked me softly, “Who is that brown haired girl your looking at?” I was a bit taken aback, I responded with, “What, what do you mean?” He said, ‘On your screen right now.” I was not able to make sense of it, how could see my screen there is no way to see my screen from where we were both sitting. “How can you see her I said?” He said, “Through your eyes, just like I could with the cards, its just ether wifi.” “So your seeing through my eyes right now? I flipped to another page asked him what I was looking at and he knew what it was right away. Is that how your able to know so much about my past to and how your able to describe people and places in such detail that I faintly can remember?” “Classified he said. (funny I did not feel invaded or spied on in anyway it just made sense somehow to me and was even comforting after I got over the logical brains shock and conditioning to how one should react to such revelations.) “Ok. I said, going back to the first girl I was looking at on facebook. It was one of my friends. “What can you tell me about her and then he started to say things about her that I did not know about. So I decided to have a conversation with her only to find out that Diego was accurate even about some picture she posted of this strange language she saw from a dream that she tried to decipher through a pictogram. When I shared it with her she was very touched. After that I started to get very curious about certain people particularly the ones that were mysteriously drawn to me but did not know why. I showed Diego their picture to see what he got. It was so fascinated that I started to share him pictures of famous spiritual speakers, the things he was able to perceive was almost unreal. Though I do know how much can be revealed by just a picture of a person and how much the eyes say but there was always only so far I could go sometimes I myself was accurate and other times not at all. I mean if we are good at people reading then we could avoid so many unnecessary situations and confusions that certain people bring that we associate ourselves with. We live in a time where everyone is an actor, so many conning each other. Trying to make them think they are something they are not. We all do this in our life, its part of our conditioning package, as we con ourselves first and foremost. If we could read people this well and see right directly into them or see out of their eyes; then so many could use that to their advantage when it comes to gambling like poker for example. When I brought this up to Diego, he said, “I could be a millionaire many times over, if I really wanted to. But I would never do it. First of all I never want to be controlled or motivated to do anything because of bloody money. That’s on the bottom of my priority list, I just do what I feel or what comes to me and the money and opportunities comes from people being inspired by what they see. (I understand this I always felt the same and lived this way. I was never trying to make money it was the side effect of putting myself out there in the way I did, sharing like I am now, its not work its just a natural part of me a passion of mine.) The second reason he said is because its prostitution when you force your creativity your energy or abilities to work so as to get money that comes with a price of losing something else. It must not feel like work but a pleasure or something natural that comes to us.  As you see there is always a heavy price for exploiting our abilities (he prefers to call it vsionariness or sensitivity) which are natural, we are nature we must not exploit our natural abilities on such petty things they are not there for us to make a profit, no integral beings care about helping people make a profit it’s a collective mind manufactured delusion that we should not feed, if we can help it.  Most of the time when natural talents or abilities are used in this way or exploited then a person looses them and so they are left to live in the memories of the time when they had them.  Or their ability turns into an illness that eats away at them until they die. This is the most common one that is going on today. These what you call abilities are like seeds that you must cultivate inside you privately let no marketing company or organization know about them because then others will use and abuse those abilities/seeds and they will be gone and replaced with something fake. That’s why the ones who are really able to bend reality stay silent about it, they do not show off or use it to get money or attention, to prove something, or even to get consensus, not even to help or heal others they do not care about these things in some ways they are beyond these things and they know the traps that come with thinking in that way. The people who can do such things or understand this know to not get involved in other people confusions and collective delusions.

-f) Storms Earthquakes & the Ocean:- Another night while it was raining pretty heavy I hid up stairs laid in blankets he was downstairs but he seemed to be downstairs for a while so I decided to see what he was up to. He was making some conductor gestures and then he would stop suddenly point to the sky and crack a loud thunder sound would be heard and he would have that smile of knowing then his arms would move again like a conductor and then stop now the other hand pointed out and the sky would suddenly split and be lit up with pink lighting. He kept doing this and he was consistent all the way through. Then he said, “Why don’t you try, you can do it to. All you have to do is talk to the storm, feel it, clear your clouds of confusion, let yourself free to merge your energy with the storm; after all it’s a projection of your mind. It starts there, can you find that part of your mind that makes the storms?”  Shortly after he said that I fell into the rhythm of the storm. I was not sure if I knew the lightning was coming or if I was creating it in that moment. But it did not matter to know how, or why, it was more exhilarating to be able to do it, and switch from thunder and lightning when I wanted, or from heavy rain to light soft rain, warm rain or cold rain. It was indeed a musical concert of feeling. I’m not sure how I was able to be so consistent at that time maybe because I was more sure of myself at the time later on I started to over think and push these things to happen and thus it did not work so easily. “Storms he said, are like magic eye but for ears it’s a language to. I was enchanted at the idea of having this real live X-men that was able to control the weather. “No its not control he said its co-creation co-communication co-understanding all those things are just the opposite of control. When we try to do something with the intent to control its an act of violence except in technical cases like driving a car.  It does not just stop at storms either but for anything. He then asked me casually, would you like an earthquake?” “Uh what, no of course not,” I said. “Why not? He said. Look it does not have to be a big one, you just assumed it did and the fear got in the way of you thinking more deeply on this.” I remember sometimes Diego would feel light headed and dizzy. I asked him, “if he was ok?”  He said, “I’m fine. I’m just feeling an earthquake somewhere in the world.” It mostly was a day in advance he knew; often he could feel the location of it. He always knew the size and which kind of quake it was to somehow. This reminded me of the movie ‘Phenomenon’ again. In the movie the main character could also feel earthquakes before they happened in the same way Diego did. I started to understand better why Diego felt compelled to show me that movie, as there were lots of parallels with Diego and John in that movie, even with the creativity and inventions. Well not the reading part Diego never reads anything. “Yes, he said making earthquakes is possible.” “Ok I said but why would one want to do that? What good comes from doing that? I challenged him. I was feeling a bit scared of him. I had this idea of earthquakes being a bad thing. Well that’s all that was conditioned to me as a kid growing up in Vancouver BC Canada. I was kept in constant fear of ‘THE BIG ONE.’ He said, Jess, when you sit for too long after awhile your body needs to move at some point. It’s the same with the planets body. Anyway you know how you feel uncomfortable on one side of the front yard well its cause that was the side the earthquake we had here effected the most. Yes its that same earthquake is what knocked down the cigarette castle. It also made a crack in the earth and in the pond, you can still see the crack in the wall there.” Then he pointed out to me the cracks. “Oh so that’s how it happened, and the other crack right at the entrance to? I love that crack so much because it’s a big thick piece of cement split in two and on the other side is lush jungle.” Yes he said, “it’s just like the cement walls in our psyche that must crack in order for us to see and live on the other side of the wall.”

When we went to the beach, I would do some drawings in the sand and no sooner did I realize that Diego was paying attention a big wave would come and wash away my drawing. Diego had that smile on his lips and I was thinking no way, he was just lucky I will make another and right away it was gone in a wave. I went further from the shore and still he had a wave wash my drawing away. I shook my fist and said, “Ok its your turn.” He went really close to the shore and drew a circle around him and some symbols and sat their with both his fingers in the sand while I tried my hardest to call a giant wave to wash not only his circle away but him as well. I tried for over a half an hour. Most of the waves seemed promising at first but always died out when it came to his blasted circle. Until he got up and stepped out side of the circle then and only then did waves come and instantly washed away his circle. So many times we played this game every time we went to the beach and it was always the same. I have not yet been able to get the waves to wash away his stupid circle while he is in it.

g) Warping & Melting- Often times when we would go out to eat I would be lost in conversation with him while he was listening but doing something else. He had a fork in his hand that he was bending and warping. For some reason when I realized what he was doing I wanted to touch it and so when I reached for it I got burnt. That fork was very hot I actually got a serious burn from it. How was Diego able to hold such a hot fork with out burning himself to? “It does not bother me, he said, I do not feel it.” I felt his hands they to were very hot. “Ok I said, I understand about conducting heat energy. That’s what happens when I do a jessage, my hands heat up so much that I also end up heating the whole house; even if it’s the dead of winter there is no need to make a fire when I’m doing a jessage, and it will stay that hot for at least 3 days. But I did not think to try to melt cutlery with that heat. Is that how you did it?” I asked. He said, “find out for yourself, here you try.” He handed me a fork of my own and try as I did. I was not able to bend that dumb fork, not even a little bit, and I have freakishly strong man hands to. I was not even able to unbend Diego’s fork, which was bent in a way to be like fingers all folded down except the middle one, to indicate fuck you. it was pretty funny especially when we decided to leave the forks for the staff to find a nice fork you.

Another time when I brought back this sort of cooler bag from some person that was making gossip about us. She just left it for us at her homestay, I did not ask for it back so I decided to take it to our house but when Diego saw it he asked me, “Why bring this here? Its garbage.” “Yes, maybe so, as it is moldy, but I thought I could clean it up, after all it’s a nice bag.” “No he, said its garbage look again, and then he put his hands on the bag and it started to melt before my eyes. Then after about 2 minutes he went back in the house leaving me to investigate the bag on a closer look I could see finger and hand prints of where the melting took place. I immediately thought of the X-men that had fire coming out of the their hands, melting objects.

h) The Bike Battery- Its rare for us to do drives on the motorbike in the night; here in Bali cars are not a very necessary the means of transport, most everyone has a motorbike. It’s a nice feeling to cruise around in the rice fields with the breeze in your face especially on hot nights when you just want to get some air. Most of the time I let Diego when he wants to do a night drive go on his own as its usually that he just goes down the road to get an extra beer or it’s a tiny cute bag of potato chips for his salt craving he usually has. Sometimes he asks me to come on his night trips, I am welcome to come anytime, but certain times he wants me to come for some specific reason he has. After getting the beer and baby potato chip bag, he then decided he wanted to cruise more. This is when I really started to like night biking with him. Though Bali is a totally different entity in the night and the locals are creepier in some ways. This night though no one was out it was very peaceful and actually even romantic; especially when we cruised by the rice fields only to see them lit up by hundreds of fireflies. When we got off the bike to sit some where and enjoy the silence; Diego would be taking pictures of spirits he could see that would show up on camera so then I could see them to, and no they were not just orbs but shadowy beings with defined bodies and various forms of light where their was no light. On our drive back the bikes suddenly stopped. He tried to start it many times but to no avail. It was clear the battery was totally dead. We were far out in a small village in the middle of nowhere. There was no one we could ask to assist us. So I started to think about walking back. “We could do it pushing or walking the bike back?” I said trying to be a good sport about it and trying to help. “ Or, I said, we can call someone to come and get us, and then leave the bike here and come back for it in the morning.” Diego did not like any of these options.  “That will not be necessary.” he said. “But what will we do?” I asked. He then moved the bike to a street light post and put his hand on the bikes license plate (he needed to touch a metal part of the bike), and instantly the light went out and Diego was able to start the bike. It was working, but it was moving slowly and there was not much power. So as we were moving slowly on down the road, Diego kept putting his hand up to every street light and they would turn off and the bike got even faster and stronger. He did this with about 4 or 6 lights or so before the bike was riding like normal and we were able to get home no problem. I looked at him in amazement and he said, “What we are all energy, why not work with it in that way as well?” “Yes why not.” I said.

i) Broken Glass- Another night I had broken a glass and I cleaned it and threw it in the garbage. Diego fished it out of the garbage and put it outside on the table. Ok I thought another object for him to use for some art creation, that’s cool. I wonder what he will make with it? Later on that night, I saw a glass on the table that was not broken and Diego started to pour beer in it. I was shaking my head I was sure that was the broken glass that was there so I went in the house and checked for it there, it was not in the garbage either nor was it anywhere out side and I watched Diego drink the beer from the glass I was sure that was the broken glass. Its not possible to pour beer in that glass because the way it was broken in a perfect vertical half, its not possible for even one drop to stay in that glass.  I knew he did not glue it back together because there were no cracks and he was not holding or hiding any part of the glass either. He knew I was looking for the broken glass, that I suspected the glass in his hand was the broken glass somehow. I just sensed it so I watched him very carefully as he was drinking he was walking to the edge of the patio towards the pond and when he got there suddenly the beer was pouring out onto the ground it was indeed the broken glass as it was now exactly how it was before.

j) My Unconscious Mind- Another night while I was lounging in the hammock, feeling sad that I was not to understand so many things that Diego was trying to convey, I was just so frustrated with this. I was thinking about Diego and how he always said to understand with out learning and the more my mind tried to understand this the more upset I got.  Diego as if on cue, came down and picked up a piece of paper and said, “I am thinking of a word and writing down some letters right now I want you to tell me what those letters are?” I got really nervous about this, I really do not like being on the spot I lose all confidence. “I cannot do this.” I said, I really do not know what that word is. I’m not you; I cannot do these things. “Just try.” he said. I then started spouting out random letters that were coming to me. He wrote them all down as I said them and he said, “wow.” “What, I said did I get it?” “No, he said, in fact you got every letter wrong. “There I told you.” I whined. “But he said I asked you for letters to spell a specific thing. Do you know Slovakian by any chance?” He asked. “No I said, not at all.” I said. “I thought so.” I ask you this because you actually got the word correct. I wrote it in Italian it’s a place in Italy a specific place and you having no idea what I was asking, you just rattled of letters, spelling the same exact word but in a different language, but you still did it you got it.” I was really surprised “how the heck did I do that? I was not even trying.” “It does not matter do you see you know a lot more then you let on, there is this part of you that is very clear but its buried by your stubborn frustration wall.” “I’m not stubborn, I said, which was a total lie that I was unable to admit at the time. So what even so what can I do to get past this wall.” “The interest in the psychic abilities is a big part of the wall they are the distraction to remember what is more important your mind and psychological freedom, otherwise its so easy to be lost like the many. (That being said I wished he did not show me these abilities cause I did get lost in them and compared myself to Diego and felt inferior which was the last thing he wanted but I am sure he showed this to me so I could understand and see what effect exposure of this things does to the mind, the mess it makes. That’s the very reason I decided to write about the abilities so that others may understand as well.)  Get familiar with the foundation of that wall and all the material that you used to build the wall.” “How do I do that?” “Do you really want to know,” he said? “Yes,” I said. “Ok” he said. I will show you but your not going to like it.”



Chapter: 10 Pandora’s Box

He was right I did not like it at all, as a few days later he asked me about my dark side. “I would like to see it,” he said. “No, I said, no way. Why do you want to see that anyway?” “Well he said, it’s you, as well right? And it seems you hide from it and hide it from others to, but how can you be fully yourself with out understanding or reconciling yourself with this part of you?” I immediately started to get emotional; I said “You do not understand, it’s painful for me. If I get upset and use my power or abilities it makes havoc in my life, you know the story of how my dad passed, and what I said to him before he passed away, and how I feel responsible for it because of that. And after that I felt so horrible for so long, I felt such remorse and guilt, I mean it was unforgivable because I was so upset. I was totally blind. I mean how do we live with ourselves when we have done such horrible things? With such guilt and self- resentment not just from yourself but unconsciously from your family as well? How can one make amends and make it ok? This is the result of my dark side coming out that one time of being angry and letting my anger speak and think for me. I promised myself to never ever go there again. That I would for now on be nice and positive and happy to only uplift people to avoid conflict and do what I could to make the world a better place.” “But it all comes from fear, Diego said, and when we do and think through fear, then we are slaves of that and you have seen the result of living a life governed by fear. Where did that promise and choices you made to yourself that were done in guilt lead you? I already know, it lead you to more fear. Not just that it made you into a fake, pretending everything is ok, telling others its ok to when its not ok not at all, you buried your memories and feelings in time with out understanding a thing and always haunted and fueled by unconscious guilt. No matter how much you did and said or how much praise you got it did not make you feel any better. It did not matter how big your mission was either. Which only really told people unconsciously to avoid the root issue, and force yourself lie to yourself that you should be happy when your not.

This was a bit too much for me. Diego’s words sometimes can be like knives to me. I was pretty much whimpering at that point this was not the first time that he freaked me out and I felt fear; he really can be scary with the depth he goes. To live with Diego one has to face themselves in every possible way, and often if we are not willing to understand even if a small part of us resists then this is a most unpleasant experience. The mind just turns against you in an instant. I was somehow relieving all the memories and pain all the while saying to Diego. “No, please no, I can’t do it, I can not go back there, anything but that, I do not want to go there. It hurts too much.” “But it is where it started, we have to go to where it started otherwise how can you expect to live a psychologically free mind?  As he was talking I started to become a bit lucid and saw that it was not Diego I was scared of, or how he pushed me to go there, it was more so that I was scared of myself. Of going to the basement of myself, to see this beast I chained up long ago and refused to acknowledge its existence except when tears welled up, and I did not know where they came from. No it was not Diego I was afraid of because he was the one that brought this up but it was myself that reacted to it the way I did, I was the one that was pretending everything was ok not him.

I realized all the people that were scared of Diego were not actually scared of him, he was just the excuse the easy escape these people were actually afraid of themselves to, the things he reminded them about them selves they did not like it, it made them uneasy they could not handle it, they rather say no your evil.  Those people were scared to be fully ourselves, fully responsible, to exist fully in the unknown.

My head was reeling still with the idea of unleashing this side of myself. “But Diego I whimpered, I’m so afraid that if I do this, then I will hurt you like my dark side hurt other people that I was close to in my life. ‘Then I could not live with myself,’ “no one would like me, I would be alone.” (This is what we all think we go to this sector of our mind of extreme control so as to justify our actions. Then the mind says, ‘I have to be good, smart, pretty, nice, otherwise no one will love me.’ It’s how we are all raised to think unconsciously, always these thoughts are in the back of our mind lingering in the air, just waiting for their chance to pounce down on us.) “Don’t be afraid of that, Diego said, just try to understand it.” “But Diego, I protested, there is no sense in it, this beast inside us, all of us, is stupid, petty, random, cruel and no one knows when it will get triggered; in which we freak out and make fights and find reasons to judge and torment ourselves and the people closest to us.” “Yes, Diego said, I am well aware of the pattern. But if you and everyone else keeps locking it up like this; if you keep escaping, keep hiding, keep distracting, keep lying to ourselves; despite all that you have done, all the energy and time you have wasted it has not worked.  It still finds its way out from time to time, it still makes problems in our lives, historically as well. Which of course then leads to a kind of abuse, and the same old thing, this vicious circle must be corrected. You have to be a maintenance person in your mind and fix this error/ virus in the psyche/software. Not hide it away, and try to forget about it, and live in fear when it comes up and out of us to rake havoc in our lives.  You must not identify with it or take it personal, if you see it as your identity, you will be lost to it, and then you will attack and blame yourself as you sink in self-commiseration and apathy. Such as ‘poor me,’ ‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘I’m the worst person ever,’ ‘I can not do anything right’ ‘I never will do anything right,’ I’m a failure,’ ‘I deserve to suffer,’ and thus it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. (Oh man, how many times did he hear me say that to myself?) You say you want to help mankind and you have an ability that acts like a curse in which you often feel others pain is if it where your own. You cannot tell the difference between what’s theirs and what’s yours. You take on others pain, joy it and you’re like a roller coaster; living with these extremes, at the mercy of others emotions, thoughts and experiences, but you have this ability/curse for a reason. It’s not to sink in the world’s depression, or go crazy. You, like me, do not have this luxury as well.” “So we are not even able to go crazy either?” I asked. “No, it’s another escape and it’s too easy. It must be fully understood and corrected, it must be broken this collective historical pattern of suffering. Its not just for you to dismantle this error but as many people as possible that know and feel that is what is needed to do. Its not easy its bloody hard, its easier to sing shanty and shanty and tell others not to worry, all is love, but as you see that does not help. It actually only makes things worse, quick fixes always do, because there is no understanding or inquiring on the root.

And do not worry about hurting me with your words, actions or fears, or pushing me away. I know the pattern phases and routine how it works and what it will do to you how you will react to it. You will be upset with me because I will not give you your psychological drugs your used to getting and expecting.  It’s not about that anyway, if that’s what you have to do to understand this then so be it. But you can’t hurt me; you just need room to make your mistakes in order to understand. Don’t let any fears get in the way of your understanding. Besides I know what you will say and do in fear is not you anyway just that part that is confused and frustrated remember its not just your confusion, frustration and addiction to psychological drugs it’s also the collectives, its your history. Your not going to have your dark side turn on others as much as it will be turned on yourself and it will be more intense then before so as to speed up your understanding of the pattern. You need to see how this all started and what this really is, not just intellectually but profoundly and apply it otherwise it will keep repeating until you and all the people have had enough When that happens people can either see at as an opportunity to understand and step out of it once and for all or sink in their own self created decaying limbo.”

As much as I did not like what he was saying I could not argue anymore, I knew he was right. I always suspected this but did not have the balls to go there. Now I had the opportunity to finally go there, to free myself with the help of this fear expert. I knew I had to do this for many reasons.  I knew Diego had no dark agenda for mentioning this he was only saying what some part of me longed to say and often thought about but even that alone was too scary. If I would thank him for his help he would always say thank yourself first its not because of me that you understand but because of yourself your doing the work not me.

Diego was so sincere when he said this, he to was tired of this vicious circle, these constant fights and struggles of stupidity ruling the world. When does it stop? When can we finally live in peace? Its all Diego wants is some peace, so we can live a very different way through our innocence creativity sensitivity and visionaryness, without authority always imposing its beliefs and fears on us. He does not have to help with this mess, its not pleasant work to do at all, as people mostly put him down rather then think in these ways, but yet he still does it, he still tries help others to understand. Sometimes he does get discouraged trying to do this mission impossible and just wants to give up and go live in the forest all alone far away from people, but something sparks him to go on. That is because he thinks that if he keeps spreading and cultivating seeds maybe one will be able to bloom and break the asphalt and that is exciting to him. Besides he does not just want to give up on people and say they are lost, or too young of a species that needs 1000s of years of evolution before they get it. “What else in the mean time can I do while I am here hide away as the world gets worse and worse? At least we can try he says, all we can do is try, while I’m here otherwise no matter where I go, I will not have any peace, as even the mountains are being corrupted with humans confused energies.” “If understanding my dark side is the way to get out, I said, so be it and besides I’m really tired of fear making me into its bitch. I’m so done with that.”

It’s a strange thing that after we had this talk I somehow forgot the content until recently. To be fair with myself, we talk about so many things its hard to remember it all, but this was different. It seemed like it was something I did not want to remember, that I agreed to do. But this particular conversation really changed everything as I fell out of the blissful cloud nine lovey dovey state and went into another phase. On top of that their was about to be more factors to be thrown in the mix of our relationship which altered how I thought about our relationship.



Chapter: 11 Off the Deep End with Trine & Azvropia

 A) Trine:- These other factors where two other girls that were not really just girls and they happened to be a big part of his life. I learned about the first girl who I will call Trine one evening while Diego had decided to show me a video message of Trine that she had recently sent him. They had known each other for years. In the video Trine was stumbling over her words because she was nervous. She had huge dark blue eyes and medium length light brown hair; she was very skinny because she was anorexic. She also had this look like she had been on the streets and been through the school of hard knocks. She had the kind of eyes that were trying to be happy but their was just an overwhelming amount of sadness in them and it was apparent in how she looked and talked that she was head over heals in love with Diego.  After watching her cute awkward heartbreaking video he asked me what I saw and I told him everything I just shared above. I could see Diego cared about her a lot to. They had exchanged so many letters to each other she was an artist to and made these amazing pictures for him. “This girl is in love with you Diego.” He said, “I know, it’s the only way her mind can factor things as it’s a bit beyond the mind to understand our connection. When we are drawn to someone and we do not know why, they immediately assume its love.” But isn’t it?” I pushed. “Kind of, he said, but it’s not what you think.” “Ok,” I said, trying to understand something that is beyond the mind. “She had a real hard life been through a lot, raped, drug overdose, boyfriend leaving her to die in the cold, family committing her to mental institutions and yet she is one of the most remarkable woman I have ever met. She is so sensitive, too sensitive, and very perceptive, but she is surrounded by people that are trying to force their will on her. You know to be a normal person, but she is her own person she is child of nature she does not belong to her family she belongs to herself. When I started talking with her about this trying to help her with this her family got involved and said I was trouble, as I was making her think in ways they did not like, she was questioning their authority over her. This was a struggle for her she felt torn so she blocked me many times thinking the same of what her parents said. But it was not her fault she was also on Ritalin, she has been on it a large part of her life, and I know what this drug does to a person. I know that it was the Ritalin that was speaking not her.” So because of this their communication was off and on but he stayed with her through everything even when she was committed to a mental institution by her own family saying they were doing what is best for her because they loved her and making her feel terrible for not being normal. When she finally got out of that place, she was thinking about coming to Bali to be with Diego. I wanted to know more about this girl so I asked Diego’s ex girlfriend about her. It turns out she to was aware of Trines feelings for Diego and rather then getting jealous or nervous about it she befriended Trine. (Diego and his ex girlfriend were together for 6 years and had only gone their separate ways 6 months before I arrived. It was nothing bitter or anything like that she just felt like going to South America and Diego did not feel it, so she went on her own. They are still good friends and are often in touch.) I guess Trine thought Diego was single and wanted to give it a chance. Even when she found out he was not single I still welcomed her to come out to us. But due to many circumstances she was not able to make that work. I felt bad for being with Diego, it seemed she deserved to be with him more and when I told him that he said, “In another time line we are together.” “But still, I said, at least if she could be here with us, she could live in more peace by being around people that would cultivate her sensitivity. That’s what she needs most after all.” “Yes its true, he said, which is why since she can not come to me I will go to her, but just for one day.” I was a bit taken aback for a guy that did not have much money he was willing to spend it on a plane ticket to see his friend in need. “Oh I’m not going to fly, he said, I have other means of travel, that is much more faster and convenient, it will only take me a day, that’s all I need. Well it will seem to you to be a day but actually it will be longer. I someone for example lived in Europe but wanted to always to live in Africa. Its possible to create a moment in time in which it seems like a whole year was spent there but in actual time it’s only 2 months. “How ever its not suggested as the human mind can not handle something like this. When that time span is up and a person comes back the mind is at a major risk of collapsing. A person would freak out saying it’s too much for them. I had no way of knowing if he could actually do this or not, but what struck me about this was how he said it so casually and I wondering how Trine would experience this visit like a dream perhaps? Then I brought our attention back to Trine. “She is obviously someone you care about a lot but what is she to you Diego? Why do you care about her so much, if you don’t love in the way that most people do?” “It’s something deeper and beyond that concept you call love, perhaps something like family, but even that word does not suffice to explain her and what she means to me, or what exactly she is.” “Ah, ok…  I said, so what exactly is she Diego that you feel so compelled to do this trip?” Diego looked at me and said, “She must be free, not just from the institutions that she is in or from the people that try to control her but in her mind she must have psychological freedom and she will. I will do everything I can to help her free herself even if she does not understand why I am doing it.” “But why are you doing it Diego who is she to you?” I kept pressing this question as I could tell it was on the tip of his tongue and he was unsure if he should say or not until finally he said, “she is one of my krytons.” There is that word again, kryton. She is a kryton. I thought a bit perplexed by this revelation because I thought based on my past experiences and understanding with the kryton that’s its some kind of a stone Diego gave me. I thought that it could only be a stone. “Wait a second, I said, so a kryton can also be a person? I asked incredulously. “Yes, he said, they can also be people, they can be a stone, flowers, anything, anyone, even moments in time. They are like keys.


I see I said deciding to change the subject again, “Trine a kryton, are their other people that are krytons for you? Yes, he said many.” “Have you found all your krytons yet?” I asked. “No, he said, not yet, only some.” To which he showed me pictures of the ones he found and it was a rather uncanny cause all the girls looked alike somehow though they were in all different countries scattered all over the world. I said, “so do they all know they are krytons?” “Not all of them, he said, they do not know it by that word, nor do they understand what it means its complex to explain but they do suspect something. There is a connection that is wireless intuitive right away and the affinities are there.” “Does everyone have krytons? I asked. “Yes, but the majority of people are too busy with their beliefs and illusions to understand what is going on to pre set up, or create, or recognize their krytons when they see it/them. Even when they do recognize them most do not know what to do with it/them, their confusion perhaps gets in the way their mind decodes it as sacred or soul-mate or something stupid like that.”” So then I have krytons to?” I asked. “Yes, but you do not remember them yet. Then I decided to bite the bullet and ask the question on the tip of my tongue that I was a bit nervous to ask but decided to anyway as it least it would make more sense as to why I am here with Diego. “Am I one of your krytons?” I asked. No he said. But that did not make sense if I was not one then why was I here with him why was he so interested in me and putting up with all my crap? I asked him many times to explain what a kryton was but no matter how many times he explained I just could not get it or understand or make it stick in my mind. I wanted to be able to explain it to myself but it did not come with force. A year later it finally came to me just out of the blue what exactly a kryton is and I feel a bit better with my understanding of a krytons to explain them better but I will save that for another blog.

I then became fascinated in what Diego was fascinated with it was as if everyone and everything even moments in time were stereograms/magic eye and there was lot more to it and him then meets the eye. I decided to contact Trine and talk with her myself. We actually connected pretty well, she knew of me for many years form my videos. We did not speak that much she wrote me a few insightful messages and that was it. Which was because she fell into some hard times. But Diego did not give up on her and did his best to see her through her trying times. It made me see that Diego is so similar to me in that I to was passionate about helping people. He was very dedicated and helping free people who were willing to go deep. People who are being pushed to conform when they just can not because they are sensitive and not able to tolerate fakeness or be made into something they are not, people that cultivate their sensitivity and visionaryness. People that had the potential and courage to psychologically free themselves. These people would later be known as EOF Pioneers.


b) Existing in More then One Reality at Once -Poem

Shortly after that experience I wrote this-

I feel an inner painting stirring up inside me all the colors taking shape as words fall from one reality into another. I am thinking what I feel and feeling what I think and when I do this, something else comes forth through me.  So do not think the answer feel the answer and strange energy will come to devour you and paint you in red and give you white dots. What is the purpose to love someone? It is not flowers and kissey kissey counterfeit love bought and sold to us time and again.  Its not romance and getting what you and need until both are empty and dry and have nothing left to give anymore from each other either. It’s not also giving all your time and energy to one person, forgetting about your relationships you have with nature and all things seen and not seen. It’s not possessive, like your mine, and I am yours, and we must always fight to protect this.  So many ideas and beliefs about love get in the way complicate it and pollute it making it have the unnecessary lifetime span of a picked flower. In other time lines things are different we are not with who we are with now. Or are we? Is that why our mind is a million miles away and memory has no recollection of all the things you thought in the day or in the second between the seconds? Are we half here half somewhere else? Or are we collecting ourselves from all those places so we can embody that one magic moment and so as to freeze it into forever or end it all once and for all then shatter the matrix. Living your life with one person a part here a part somewhere else. Its all connected the human emotion does not need to take it personally like they are cared for less then or not good enough. Another time and place to experience a connection with all but do not mistake it for lovers entangled with each other. What is the purpose of such connections on this planet/time line? What is the purpose of such connection in another universe? Is it the same? Are they working towards something unknown? Evolving to something else? Like us, a unique seed, from our world bring our unique gifts and eyes from there to share here. Is it the same with in which how we empathize to from there to here and then back there again, tying strings making patterns and connections? Is there a need to rescue and co-create something better there to? Here to be in empathy with another is to let the person be free and do what they need to do and vice versa so has to co-create an exit for home. This is the unconditional way, as we travel in and on spiral moving time lines each day, each moment, each thought, each person, place, and thing, each emotion, each dream, and all that is in between, seen, and unseen, seed and unseed, is a time line of its own we journey in life we collect accumulate and create krytons, time line keys to some may be seen as pieces to a puzzle, while others know the codes and meanings scattered in moments playing in the background of life, hiding and acting insignificant, that can only be seen if one is not distracted busy in the mind able to observe it’s the energy the technology behind it building an eitheric bridge like device portals that incase your skin in ice. Which is a temporary vice. Entice us, stay conscious, stay concise, catch the glitches in the matrix and then learn all the languages of that which needs no tongue to speak, no sight to seek nor peak. It’s the inside sight the inside language now let your memory come back if you dare. Let your self unconditionally understand and allow it back with the same subconscious intensity that you held thinking it belonged to someone else, but oh no surly not for the self, can we have such a relationship with ourselves we can, if we dare. Krytons, crystalline flare follow them if you dare observe them from a birds eye view and you will see a pattern so overdue.  Then you will know they are coordinates calling to you, due to you and the morning dew like shimmering crystals also decorating the painted red with white dot house, more technology. Stop thinking on just the surface, and stop doubting, stop second hand guessing what you already know. Now live what you know what nature knows to live that way. No longer live what you think for your thoughts will get in the way that is if the observer is not at close bay, words will become obstructions with no way to convey. Don’t say I love you for any pale tongue can say such, those words are becoming empty and meaningless anyway, instead come live life with and through me to you then back to me again and then back to you back and forth it shall go and in-between us we will then be inside of life itself forever embodying it and expressing it to ourselves for ourselves each other and all the nature as well, while making love to the unknown. Making love to our imagination bringing each other into our own inner private worlds our union with the thinker and observer will be the union of all unions where because of our union all will speed up and find their own reunion of the mind and observer to. When we are able to do it energetically observe and be aware be conscious of our own energy the rest of the originals and integrals will be able to do it and have it to.. Where we are forever pregnant with making the impossible possible for our play for play is beyond the beyond. Yes I do I say I will be present a present to my mind when I witness you give birth to your wings and fins once again and you witness the birth of my wings and fins once again but for the last time I swear. With our fingers and wings and fins we will paint the sky the sea as a constant nebula plethora of colors as worlds with in world and the atoms inside rejoice. Now they have a voice. Lets take our collection of pieces of a world that once was of all the beauty to have recreate inspire us in the worlds to come the worlds we are yet to create and the worlds already there waiting for us and the treasure we found and must preserve like seeds planting and scattering their ashes all over the many universes. So they can live again in a kinder or gentler reality that knows no bounds.


c) Azvropia

A week or so later, I started to notice a lone fire fly every-night there was always just one circling the house and flying in patterns that caught my eye. Apparently it was always there but I happened to recently notice it at that time. Sometimes even landing when Diego and I were conversing as if it were curious about what we were saying and was listening in. Oh listen to me such a silly thought I thought but still silly thoughts can slip the cracks of ambiguity and uncertainty, best to inquire about it and just see.  “What is up with this one fire fly that is always here every night?” I asked out of the blue/green. Diego said. “Oh, its her. A smiled creased his lips like he was sharing some inside joke with himself. Lets say something of a friend try to ignore her though its not polite to stare.  Yes she is listening in on our conversations she acts like a waki-talky for someone.” “Do you know who this someone is?” I asked. “I do, said Diego. I will tell you later though now is not the time.” Another week or so had passed by when Diego asked if he could play me a song from a girl whom I call Azvropia, he wanted to see what I felt from the song and her. He showed me her picture to, she’s is young and beautiful she looks like a model, she is a model. The song was just beautiful a soft warm melody. Azvropia’s voice was clear gentle tender and intensely beautiful. The lyrics, I could feel them very strongly. The first thing my mind seemed to decode was that Azvropia was also in love with Diego. I could feel it in the song, but this was not the same kind as with Trine, this was something else something more deeper profound and complex. This was not a woman that needed Diego’s rescuing. This was a woman that Diego actually felt fully and totally understood him. She was just like him, maybe she even came from the same place as him. She is someone he seemed to even admire which is almost unheard of for Diego to do. All this I sensed from listened to this one song this one voice. This connection they seemed to have that surly existed beyond space and time. I watched Diego secretly while he listened to the song, I could tell he cared immensely for her to in a way that was fascinating but also heart breaking for me, as the realization crashed down on me. The tears started to flow I was not jealous though. It was not that. How could I be jealous of such a connection? You out there, have to understand I care about Diego more then I understand. He is not for me to hold onto, like he always says love is when you say I love you but I am not attached to you. I know he is something else, and often feel like I cannot keep up with him. Like he is on a whole other plane that few can even fathom not even a fraction. So if this woman Azvropia can be in the same field with him and keep up with him, then how could I stand in the way of that? I suddenly felt ridiculous for being here in Bali, thinking I could some how have Diego’s heart. Or that this X-men being would want my heart, I will never be special to him in the way that other are in relationship. How could I think that we could somehow have some dream soulmate twin flame relationship with him, which is also another damn counterfeit fantasies sold to us. (be all romantic to each other commit our whole life to each other make each other the most important people ever to each other. Have conscious kids, save the world and shift living happily consciously ever after, this thinking is such a scam and a distraction.) I was even angry with myself for falling for that cliché yet again. It was too much at that time so I just ran out of the house in the pouring rain before Diego could see my tears. Diego called after me, he even tried to catch up to me saying, “Hey wait, its not what you think, come back;” but I ignored him and just kept running. I ran to one of the resorts pools and just laid on a lounge chair and cried. I stayed there for a couple hours it was pretty late but at least I knew he would not be able to find me. This was a typical pattern I did with my ex to I always ran and hid in places when I got overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions and frustrations. I just was so confused I did not understand why I was in his life the way I was if I was not a kryton or a bridge for him, then what am I to him? Why does he want me here with him? How do I fit into his world when its so beyond me? When I cannot keep up with him not even in a million years. How was I to live with him, be his partner if he would never be totally with me? He always felt so far away and now I felt I knew why. How can I, how do i belong in his world? How can I give myself to someone who does not seem to want me fully? I had to remind myself this was not just about a romantic relationship with someone who is not keen on romance though neither was I yet I wanted it even expected it. I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and was playing hard to get that he respected me that’s why he is not rushing in the sack with me, but it was not that at all, it was something else, something totally unknown and it drove me crazy that he would not tell me. (Even today as I write this I still do not know exactly but I am a bit better living with this unknown.) I knew it was not really about a romantic cliché partnership, yet I kept getting stuck there in all those past conditionings about relationships. I really thought I was immune, but damn, it was subtle, the subconscious mind was harboring such desires after all. Ok hold it together jess, I told myself, its not just about your relationship with him its about your dismantling your freedom and your relationship with yourself that’s why you’re here and doing this. Perhaps mixing a relationship into this equation was not a good idea but he encouraged it to, as I recalled the words he said to me in those letters. He did say he loves me, he would not just through around that term, but perhaps he loves a part of me that I cannot access yet and have no recollection of. Damn this is so frustrating what if I never remember or am able to reconnect with her? If I mention this to him it does not seem to bother him. But surely, this is not a game, he does not say that to all the girls he meets. Damn it, I do not want to be like the many girls losing their heads over this man, I must stay clear, I must be different. He chose to be with me, he brought me here, he had been watching me my whole life, he wants to be with me yet… yet… we are not in sexual relation but he was intimate with a girl in his past for 14 hours straight. That’s what he told me one time, and wow did it piss me off. Why not be like that with me? Was I not attractive to him or something? I just did not understand in some ways, he definitely operates in the unknown, he is too mysterious, but I know he is not a player or womanizer he cares for woman as a species too much to do such harm to their flowering of their emotional psyche. Perhaps I really should contact his ex so as to help me shed light on living with Diego. Surly a woman that lived 6 years with him could give me some clue on what the heck is going on, or maybe she knows how I fit into all this. I know they are still in contact and I was very curious about her perspective on all this to. Diego must have told her all these things to, he must have been the same with her like with me, Diego is who is he does not change for anyone perhaps she was able to handle this better then me, perhaps she was more advanced then me? (But my mystical background really should have made me better prepared for this.) Surly his ex knows about Trine, krytons and Azvropia. What if I cannot free myself? What if I’m a failure? My mind raced in this way, mostly in fear until I realized about two and a half hours had gone by. I decided to go back to the house, but this time I would clamp down on my heart. I decided we would just be friends. I told myself it’s easier that way if his heart belongs to another someone more like him then so be it. After all I care so much about him I just want his happiness and freedom, more so then I wanted mine, I couldn’t help feeling that way. It meant more to him, I just learned about this I was not working as this as long as he has. (Oh crap was I being a martyr again? Damn it old habits die-hard.) But I could not help him I could only help myself. I had to make that my motivation not him.


Diego was awake waiting for me. “Where were you? I drove around looking everywhere for you.” “You could not find me telepathically?” I said? “No, he said, your energy was too muddled to track you.” I’m sorry, I said, I just needed some time away that’s all. I needed to think what to do, if I could go on like this.” “You do not understand jess, its complicated. We met when we were in our teens, she understood everything so well and then some. She could also do things much more impressive then what I can do. You think my abilities are something its nothing compared to hers. Just to give you an example she can turn into a gnome, bi-locate go through walls she could even turn a whole house or even a person into an ice-cream cone but that’s just the tip of the ice burg. She demonstrated some of these things to me she even helped me figure out how to pluck objects from dreams I was never able to do that till I met her.” “And were you guys together romantically?” I asked. “Yes, he said. And yes she is very dear to me.” “I knew it, I said. You do love her and she loves you.” This statement made him laugh as if what I said was so ridiculous and rhetoric; for a primitive mind to fathom, love is a distraction, a hoax its not life it’s a counterfeit version of life. It’s another mind-manufactured invention/illusion, as all illusions are fear they come from fear, that is why love is actually fear. There is no love or evil in nature but there is empathy and the willingness to understand to co-create. Nature does not say I love you but I am afraid to lose you that is why I try to control you or put my expectations on you. It was most frustrating with my limited mind trying to grasp all this but I tried my best to understand. I was always torn and fluctuating between my frustration and my curiosity. I learned how Aztropia understood all his languages and codes and then some. They seemed to have had this secret private world they shared. I felt left out and so stupid that I could not understand these languages and so I got even more upset with my primitive mind.


“You have to understand jess that Azvropia is me and I am her, she is my female self and I am her male self, yet we are one in the same; but also two different people. My head was starting to hurt, “no, I do not understand, I said, that does not make sense it sounds like a complete contradiction.” “She is more evolved then me, she has been here for a long long time. She is in a human form but she is not really human, she is something else. I guess my face looked befuddled so he decided to use an example which was still over my head, Ok you jess are something like H3O I am H4O and she is like H5O do you understand now?” “No, all I know is I am not like you or her, I’m not as smart as you guys.” I said, “Never mind you will understand later, he said and then he went on to say. She can make krytons, she makes most of them for me, you have seen some of my krytons and how they all look alike, whom do they look like? It dawned on me so clearly now that I had seen a picture of Azvropia, they all looked like her…


This was way over my head it was not something I could grasp yet, so I decided to change the subject, besides we were getting off of topic. I wanted to address my concerns to see if they could be confirmed or not. So I said, “But I do not understand, if you guys care about each other so and understand each other, why are you two not together?” “We do not have to be, and its not so important to us, getting out is more important. So that is what we are both focusing on and doing what we need to in our own way, we are always in contact. She does her part and I am doing mine.” “But Diego, I said, if she is so evolved like you say how can she as well be stuck here in this limbo prison matrix? Surly she can get out and get you out as well?” “No she cannot do that. Its not that easy, its something we have been working on for a very long time, so many incarnations and realities, we always pick up were we left off. Its so hard for her to be here, I have seen her cry so much and so deeply that blood has come from her eyes. Have you ever seen anyone cry blood before? She wants to get out as much as I do and we will get out.” “But if she can do the things you say, then she could do so much here to help? (I was thinking of a superhero kind of thing. Damn media conditioning.) And what about you Diego, are striving to be as advanced and as evolved as her? Do you feel inferior next to her because she is so ahead of you? Don’t you feel fear that you may not be able to keep up with her?” “No, I do not care about these things, its another hoax, why should we compare ourselves with our own race? Its just authority kind of thinking that traps us into old ways. He looked at me with a sobering glint in his eye and said, jess what is the point of being: the most wealthy, or wise, or successful, or having the best abilities or being the most advanced, or have the most intense love relationship, or be a ruler full of power or being an enlightened guru celebrity with millions of followers, or the most famous, or all those things that people struggle for, dream about if your still in a prison limbo? Really is that a victory, is that something we should strive for? To try to live your life in a place that does not let you live your life in total freedom instead it expects you to live your life in so much: fear, struggle suffering, annoyance, frustration, discontent, BS, hebetude, fakeness, confusion, abuse, conflicts, drama, wars, distractions, and stupidity, striving for money for love for peace that the many forget to even begin and so people devolve being like that for far to long.  I had to say he sure did have a point. I felt sad for these beings Diego and Azvropia being here for so long I could only imagine what they endured the hardships, torments and the many times they died and were killed over some stupid beliefs. For so long I wanted to remember such things I was glad now that I was not able to. They remember and feel everything everyone that’s too much to bare no wonder Diego writes the things he does talking about history he is speaking through personal observational experience. (it made me think of ‘Disney’s’ “Aldan” When the Genie said‘. ‘Phenomenal cosmic powers to itty bitty living space Im still a prisoner’ that he to was a prisoner so what did any of it mean anyway if your not free? I saw myself as Aladdin and they both were like the genie) I did not know though that I was the Genie to, again I could not help them and they can not help others we can only help ourselves each individually by doing that we help each other.

“Azvropia is also interested in you jess sometimes she comes through my body to watch you through my eyes and talk with you. Its because of her that I know so much about you, your life, your past, your external and inner world. It’s no coincidence that I look so much like your first boyfriend from France either. She cares about you and gives you things and access to places few can go. She even set up our encounter in which we first met in a place I call structure its something of an airport. (Diego animated this place in our Myth of Fear series it’s the beautiful nature Jurassic park like place pristine nature landscapes.) “I do not recall meeting you there I said. Tell me more about this place? “Its something of an airport he said for universes dimensions time lines and so on. Many come there and get stuck there cause its so peaceful and they do not want to leave that kind of serenity, but its also a kind of a limbo one can not stay and live at an airport because we like being the in-between. In structure you can do anything its like that movie ‘Lovely Bones’ where that young girl goes to, its like a video peaceful video game setting. Kids can get there easier then adults because adults are in too much confusion, they lack visionariness, they want to always stay in the known, distraction and beliefs block people from being able to get there to.” “How do i get their? I asked. Its simple you just need the coordinates.” “That is not simple at all Diego, I do not even know what the heck that means.” “Yes you do, its no difference then someone having a private youtube account only people who have the exact URL can go there.” I do not know that URL though, I said. Yes you do, your unconscious mind does you have been their many times and we met their.” “But, I do not understand, why does Azropia care about me? Why would she do all this for me? Why would she set you and me up like this? Why is she interested in me Diego? I’m nothing, I’m a screw up, I cannot do anything right, and I’m not as advanced as you guys. I’m a mess; just look how much I disrupt your precious peace with my emotional fits? What if I cannot free myself then what?” “Don’t worry about failing you can’t fail.” He said. “But how do you know? How do you know if a person is close to being able to free themselves or not?” “I just do, he said, and you are very close and you can and will do this.” “But I do not know how, and its so frustrating, my mind and emotions turn on me, it play topsy turvey. I’m so scared Diego and I do not understand anything. I feel so stupid, I just don’t get it, why would someone like Azvropia be interested in me?” “Because Diego said, you’re one of her krytons…”



Chapter: 12 Joakim

I really did not know what to make of all this, it was way over my head and more deeper then deep, my life had totally and completely became more wilder then I science fiction movie I felt as if I was in a space and time warp. I did not know how to be myself anymore or even what my self was, perhaps I have never been myself, maybe I had been in the rinse cycle for far too long. Yet I still had a life to lead, I still had people were reaching out to me while I was in Bali and it was not just because I was seen as a crystal child, not really it was something else. People always felt just drawn to meet me as if they was something else going on even before I met Diego, I had people drawn to me for reasons they never exactly knew. Perhaps I was a magnet for people who had the potential for people who could psychologically free themselves as if there was some part of my energy that was calling them. And that is how it started with the first person to come and visit us in Bali. A young man from Sweden who was in desperate condition and just knew he had to come see me, for some reason.

I did not know at the time that the arrival of Joakim would change the dynamics between Diego and me in a way I could not have foreseen. I just could not say no, he needed some help and I needed to have a break from what was going on in my personal life, which was a real mind bender. Diego had no problem with Jaokim coming to visit us and he was used to receiving guests and hosting people what with the 400 couch surfers he took in. Also Diego is willing to talk with anyone who is open and willing. So before I get into the adventures we had with Joakim and all that happened while he was here I decided I would share with you a letter he wrote about us after he had only spent a couple weeks with us. I thought it would be a good way for all of you to get to know him where he was coming from, his situation which I am sure many of you can relate to, and his perspective/experience with us. I also have a little mini intro letter that I did that I will include as well.

For those of you following my posts you are aware of someone I refer to as our swedie Swedish friend who had felt very compelled to come to Bali to see Diego and me. It’s been a couple of weeks that he has been here with us now. His name is Joakim and he has come a long way in such a short time. He has made so much progress with his fears and getting out of his comfort zone, I am so proud of him! I encouraged him to start writing a journal about his experience and journey knowing full well that it’s a great way to get to know your self in an intimate way, to better understand your thoughts and your life; to be able to be true and honest with yourself. It’s what opened the door for me. Recently I asked to read some of his writings and I was very impressed. I asked if I could share it, and it took a while for him to say yes as it was something out of his comfort zone. I feel what he wrote is very good and will be able to help others, and it’s also for all of you who are thinking about coming to visit us in Bali, and to give you a better idea of what it’s really like to spend time with us and what exactly we do. So without further adieu I am proud to introduce Joakim to you all with his first piece of writing and I truly hope not his last journey journal entry that he keeps on writing.


My journey with Jessica and Diego- by Joakim 

For those reading this who want a short story, I’ll be frank. The way I see it, Jessica and Diego have basically saved my life (the life I ‘should’ be living), or at least they are saving what was left of my slowly dying soul. Depending on what I do with it I guess. Like a rescuer in a not so brilliant disguise, who gives you someone and something to hold on to when you don’t know where to go, what to do, or how, but you know you have to do something. There you have it in a nutshell. One soul rescue started and billions to go on the mission to save mankind from its self imposed prisons of fear, judgment, sorrow and what not, we’ve so creatively manifested. The collective nightmare that doesn’t seem to end.

(Longer version) Like so many, although often not aware of it, I was trapped in a self-created mental prison of fear, and sadness I wasn’t even aware of. I just knew I had to get out of where I was. I had to do something. I could no longer do the unemployment line, and worse, I couldn’t do the working one either. After turning down a job offer that, on paper, was the perfect one for me and my oh so struggled resume, it really finally hit me. This is not possible anymore. It felt like I physically can’t do this anymore. I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong things, for the wrong reasons. I’m not sure this society is even built for me. I don’t fit in. Wherever I go I am an alien. And so disconnected from who I really am, I couldn’t even answer a simple question like what do I like to do in my spare time?

Embarrassing. 36 years old and I really have no clue of who I am anymore, if I ever did. And this from someone who’s actively searched in psychology, spirituality, philosophy, channeling, science and religion, and whatever else I could find for years. Why? Because I’ve been afraid all my life, and my conditioning from all walks of life (no one to judge and no one to blame) prevented me from seeing beyond it (and it still does), to the core of my being. The essence of the personality that had been cramped, and crippled, by fear into a shell; with its walls of false security and all empty inside. How could I ever know who I was? Fear is a masterful disguise. Like finding your path in total fog. Good luck with that.

So what do I do? Walking back and fourth in my apartment countless of times until the cat got tired of watching me. And then it hit me.    

 Jessica. That’s it. Jessica is in Bali. I have to go and see her. She can help me. I just knew it. I had no idea how, but I was convinced. I had seen some of her videos and exchanged a little now and then with her over the years and knew enough to know that she is for real. Actually it was very obvious to me even from the start. Genuine and brave (although she may not agree on the brave part) with a bright light and the purest of missions. And the perfect personality to guide me. But it was not an intellectual decision at all, it was inspiration. It was a spirit call. Or whatever you want to call it. Doesn’t matter. It was obvious what I had to do.

But being a well-mannered boy I knew the right thing to do is to ask first, so I did. And she said sure, come on out. Then she hesitated and asked me about my intentions. So I had to assure her this wasn’t just a “crush” trip from halfway across the world. And I understand her, although I secretly felt a bit offended. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t hurt to look at Jessica, and even much more then that, someone who does what she does can easily develop what I refer to as the Anastasia syndrome for those who know about her. When somebody really sees you beyond the actor/actress, the fears, the insecurities, the drama and conditioning and so on, and really cares for you and sees your potential, its unfortunately so rare you can easily mistake it for something it is not. But this was something else. This was about me, and what I had to do.

 So I booked the first and cheapest one way ticket I could find that gave me enough time to do some final preparations for leaving, including finding a tenant for my place who could take care of my little beautiful cat. Done and done. And being not at all well traveled, and hating flying, I got on the 24 hour long journey to Denpasar, Bali, from Stockholm, via Amsterdam and Kuala Lumpur. Luckily I managed to somehow sleep an hour on the last plane. Otherwise I am not sure how I would have found where Jessica would be. My head hurt badly from sleep depravation and I was seriously dehydrated. I wouldn’t want to do that trip very often.

 After a long taxi ride in crazy traffic, we finally arrived in what seemed to be the place. And there she is. In perfect timing (ask Jessica). So…I’m here. Where is here btw?? I hardly knew anything about Bali. I didn’t even know it belonged to Indonesia at first, and I didn’t care. It was where I needed to be.

 Meeting Jessica. So there she was, in some sense a stranger really, but to me she wasn’t. I knew her and it felt very familiar. And from years ago when I first saw her in an interview, I had the feeling I would see her one day. No hurry, no rush, it will happen. And being sensitive and caring and everything else she is and sees, she already knew what I needed and helped me fill up on juice drinks, food, water, some comforting chats a hug and then she order me off to bed at about 5 in the afternoon. A drill sergeant of compassion. And then lots of zzzzzz… The rest of the questions and answers can wait for another day.

 So cutting it a bit short. Since I arrived about three weeks ago I have been blessed to be in the company and care of Jessica, and her new found partner, Diego. Who just happens to be an expert in fear, would you believe it!? I had no idea. And if you ever looked for interesting discussions about not only fear, but about almost any subject, Diego is your guy.

 Jessica has her countless ways of helping and Diego has his, different, but very complementary. Apart from techniques and tools Jessica also helps me a lot just by being an example of how to be yourself. Sounds easy, but it is not for most, and definitely not for me. I’ve been practicing being somebody else, or shall we say being just a fraction of myself for a long time, and I’m pretty good at it.

For me, it has so far been a roller coaster of emotions of fear, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, longing, freedom, being happy, joy, laughter and whatever else there is to feel. Even boredom. But at least I feel. And when you start with a fear, you might find out you created it to avoid a deep pain and sadness. And you work through it and may find what is beyond that sadness. Helped and supported by great people in a non judging environment, you can be allowed to be whatever it is you need to be in order to move past the shadows of your past whatever they may be. It is ok. You are not bad or stupid, ugly, wrong or less then. It is painful and uncomfortable sometimes but very very necessary.

 So the journey for me to face the fears I’ve so carefully guarded for such a long time have just started. But I will move through it with help from my new friends. The fear in the end is just my own energy, filtered through beliefs I don’t prefer anymore. Once I transform it, who knows what I can do or be? Maybe fully myself, for the first time since I was a child. No fear, just curiosity and experience. This is the time of transformation. You can see it in the earth, the planets and in the hearts of people who wish for something else. This is the time for change and for letting go of everything we’ve been carrying around for so long. Its time to really be free in the most expansive meaning of the word, and not the one attached to money, fame or power or whatever other condition we commonly use.

What Jessica has done for me in such a short time, even just by welcoming me with open arms, is hard to describe what it means to me. As I said, just that act alone I feel saved me. But she has done even more, and continues to do so because by no means am I done. So I am eternally grateful, and if she should ever need my help in any way I would do all I can to try and help her. That’s what she brings out of you. But there is more to her behind the curtain than the role she is playing. And it makes you wonder.

 And she is human, and she makes mistakes (if that’s what you want to call it). And she is not perfect, whatever that means. And that is missing the point. Sometimes being with her feels like being slapped in the face and hugged at the same time. I wonder if it is not sometimes deliberate in order to let me grow past my own issues. I will have to ask her.

 And one last thing; in all the ways she is helping me, physically, mentally, and most important for me, emotionally, she is doing this while being in love. And to anyone who’s ever been in love and knows how hard it is to think about anything and anyone else in that situation, she still finds the time and energy for me. If that doesn’t tell you something about her, I can’t help you.



Preview for the Next Bali Blog Part 4 Dec, Jan 2012/13 titled Mamma Mia!

With everything going on in my personal life and now joakim visiting us only a few weeks had gone by when my mother was set to soon arrive for a visit in Bali as well. It was when I was swooning over Diego that I wrote a letter to my mom as I felt that was the best way to inform her about me and Diego I actually wrote the letter to my best friend first asking her not to tell my mom until I decided its too hard to keep this in I’m just going to send it to her to. I also had many calls with my mom gushing how Diego was the cats meow. Bali is so lushly green its so strange and so crazy, I thought it would be neat for my mom to come out here and experience something really exotic, and to meet Diego as well of course. Originally I wanted to bring my baby brother Steve as well but he was not able to get out off of work. Also I have to confess because we were nearing 2012 I was nervous something could happen and I wanted my family near me and safe but since I could not get my brother I would settle for just my mother. It was early Nov when I told her I wanted her to come and visit me in Bali that if she could cover her living expenses here then I would cover her return ticket. (Though I knew it was a crazy decision as I had so little money left in my bank I should have been saving.) She agreed on it, and she only had 3 weeks notice to pack and prepare before she would be whisked out to Bali on a one way ticket. I could only afford a one way to start and this made her nervous as everyone was saying to get a return ticket its mad to do it this way but I wanted her to see that it would all work out somehow. She arrived at the end of Nov just a few weeks after Joakim arrived and what an intense cocktail this combo made, but I’m getting ahead of myself as I will share what happened there in the next blog as well as a bit about Diego’s younger years and his relationship with his mother. There is also more to come on relationships and dissecting love and what’s behind it. I will also share more about time lines.

Yes in Oct i was eager for her to meet Diego and to see how they got along of course that was before all these things went down in early Nov that I just wrote about. But I had already gotten her ticket there was no turning back now it was done she was coming out here and I was so nervous. As I knew Diego is not the type of man a mother expects or hopes for their daughter. And I wanted to tell her everything that was going on, but how could I even begin to tell her something like this? What are the chances that she would understand? How would she take it? How would it affect her? What would it do to her and the relationship she would have with Diego? How would Diego respond to my mom?

……….to be continued

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Bali blog: Part 2 of the Bali Series: First Contact?


Authors note: In some ways these blogs can seem whimsical, not at all what one would expect from a mystic. I’m very childlike, as you can see, and that’s how i live my life mostly; like a kid. Then there are these real deep thoughts and mystical tendencies that just come out of me randomly, and that’s my blog. None of it is made up, it’s all true. I refuse to make up or exaggerate anything. I want people to see how exciting truth can be and how it is so much more richer than fiction. In truth, the mystical deep stuff can only come from being childlike, its the fuel that brings the mysticism up whenever it is needed. So that’s the secret code i give to people in my blogs, something to read in between the lines. It’s all about perspective and perception.. enjoy my blogs 🙂

Bali blog: Part 2 of the Bali Series: First Contact? (Aug Sept 2012 my first 2 months in Bali, edited version 🙂
Authors note: This blog is mainly about how I met Diego and the behind the scenes  of the events that took place when we first met, I share this so you may have a better understanding of us and our posts and how and why I have changed so much my approach and message. So far the reviews i have been getting about this highly anticipated blog is “addictive and mind blowing” Many of you have asked me why I waited one year to write about this. Its tricky writing a blog of your life that happened a year ago with so many facets often it feels like playing Tetris with the memories as the blocks. The memories that come first are not the ones you need right away so you keep stacking them off to a side till you get the memory you need to sync them all together and Tetris. So many things happened at that time its hard for me to keep track but I managed somehow cause the memories are always there everything that ever happened to us is all recorded and can come to us if we really focus. The great thing about waiting a year to share this time in my life is that I can foreshadow with a lot of the content, as I have a better understanding of what’s going on now (but not fully), and can hint to you. No way at that time did I fully understand what was going on exactly and what was about to happen. It took me a full year to understand in the mean time there were so many riddles, which is why this blog is written like a mystery. Also it’s easier for people to handle the content a little at a time easing people in to better help you grasp the content in this blogs and the blogs to follow. Also I’m highly considering making these blogs of my time in Bali as both a published book series and a film script if anyone wants to help me with this let me know. Also my blogs are continuations from the previous blogs, most of the people I refer to in are mentioned in other blogs so to fully understand the background it is suggested you also read the previous blogs, as they are all weaved together like a tapestry.

Chapter 1 More Then Meets the Eye
The sun was just setting as we arrived at this mysterious man in blacks place. He lived in a place tucked away surrounded by jungle cliffs and a river. The house was up on a hill, at the top the stairs the first thing I noticed was this white and red beer bottle cap creation in the shape of a giant mushroom. Its about $4000,00 worth of beer from 2 years. I knew this to be the Amanita muscaria mushroom, I actually only learned about it recently when I was in Thailand with Jess Shackleton that’s were I discovered the documentary “The Pharmacratic Inquisition” (This mushroom is so public in everything from coke a cola can to super Mario brothers to all religions come from this mushroom.)

I highly recommend it as its all about why the dead sea scrolls said to be missing parts of the bible have been kept hidden and not revealed to the public because it clearly states that all religions and gods/ deities are nothing more then mushrooms. And consuming them does not necessarily mean one can understand about mushrooms fully, in some cases just the opposite. If you have seen the movie Zeitgeist then you can skip ahead to the second half, as the first half is just a repeating of Zeitgeist with a bit more depth, the second half is what is most exciting.  (a year later I got in contact with the creator of this movie and will share what happened on with that later in future blogs) Here is the youtube link

When I saw this Amanita muscaria art creation of his I assumed he had consumed these mushrooms and was into hulcenigetics and that he done all kinds of drugs. So I asked him and he said in a very thick Italian accent, “No, I have never consumed mushrooms in my life or done any drugs except smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I just really like mushrooms, ever since I was a kid I was fascinated about them. I just well I understand them they are my friends. I can speak to them and they speak to me, so there is no need to consume them or any heavy drug for that matter. Mushrooms are not from this planet you know. Most people do not know that everyone and everything are mushrooms and that practically everything come from mushrooms as well, we are all a form of fungus. Mushrooms are everywhere, they can live anywhere, they are in the sky and micro versions we are breathing in all the time, and mushrooms are always reinventing and assimilating themselves. They are very creative and always trying something new always co creating and working with everything around them, they want to be consumed by every species to, they are the experts in space interplanetary and dimensional travel as a species alone, they have personalities to. They are very advanced and very complex science cannot keep up with them.” “Wait a moment, I said what do you mean they are experts in interplanetary and dimensional travel?” His response blew me away. “Most mushrooms are ‘aliens’. In that they came from outer space in the form of microorganisms within comets, or as spores within spacecraft’s. The real mushroom is actually the ‘mycelium’ that is the thin & invisible roots under the ground which creates the ‘fruit’ we know.  Some types of mushrooms were here able to develop a form of holographic mind, which is not made by memories but by para-hallucinogenic experiences (according with their nature).” Huh, how can someone know this I wondered as he went on?

“These mushroom are able to control the electromagnetism in water giving a particular frequency to the hydrogen atoms within water.
The most evolved mushroom on planet Earth is called ‘Amanita Muscaria’.
This mushroom literally ‘eats’ dreams…
Meaning: its is able to ‘eat’ (not to be intended negatively) the energy which comes from the same dreams its able to create within the mind of those who eat this mushroom whether animals/human/other plants/minerals/alien/bi dimensional being.
The mushroom family called ‘Amanita’, indeed, is, according with scientists, closer with the animal kingdom rather than the flora…
Indeed they are born from an egg.”
He then went on to share with me how a friend of his tried once to eat this mushroom (Amanita Muscaria). She told him that, after that eating this mushroom, every time she had a dream, no matter the content of the dream, if she asked to the mushroom ‘where are you?’… The mushroom suddenly appears within the dream…

“Oh and by the way he added, this is not just a beer bottle cap mushroom but also a time line shifter to.” “Ah I/eye see” I said, but was completely taken aback, not knowing what else to say. O_O

I looked down and saw a toy snake and spider on the ground. “And these?” I asked. He replied with. “Most people are afraid of these two beings they try to avoid these fears at all costs. I like to introduce people to their fears help them to understand it as that’s not really what they fear anyway its something else.” “Ah I see” I said. O_O

Then I saw this broken glass creation with marbles it looked be another piece of art. “And what about this one?” I asked. “Oh that, uh it’s something like a telescope a multi dimensional telescope to be more precise.”  “Ah, I see” I said. O_O

As we moved towards the front door to unlock it and put my things inside my new temporary abode I saw on the left hand side of the door a huge tower as high as my chest made out of empty cigarette packages. “And this?” I asked. “Oh that its just my tower I’m building. Litter here is a big problem here, you know. Why throw it away when you can be sure the locals will just throw the trash into the jungle? So I decided to make an art creation instead same with the beer bottle caps. With this tower I’m learning all about stability and the best way to make it stronger, so it lasts longer. It’s fallen down twice now.” “It has?” I responded. “Yes, he said, the first time the wind took it down the second time an earthquake but now I think I know how to build it so no matter what happens it will not fall down. I made it flexible a structure like a building is not very stable nor really flexible at all, unless its made out of bendable concrete eh Jess? This tower is also a nice home for frogs and spiders.” “Ah I see I said. O_O Though I recall thinking ewe how can someone smoke and drink that much? (Fast forward a year later this tower is now taller then me and is about $2000 worth of cigarettes.)  Then I started to think all these objects seemingly innocent creative art objects looked like one thing but had a whole other thing going on behind the scenes. All of his creations are not what they seemed to be at all. They were definitely more then meets the eye perhaps that’s the same with him as well?

Chapter 2: Who Are You?

I dropped my bags and we sat down and we started to talk. His name is Diego and he definitely was different. I did not feel any games with him or any pretention nor did I ever feel or see him trying to be something he was not. Maybe that is because, who he is, is so expansive, enigmatic as is. It felt that he was mostly just genuinely curious about me and started to ask me questions. I’m used to being asked questions its my main preferred way of communicating as well, but I have never been asked questions in this way before. First off they were very deep, existential and precise. They were dissected questions and answers even dissected thoughts on both our parts, but he started it, as our communication ventured more into the mechanics of thoughts. Was he asking questions he already knew the answer to like I do so he can see how I perceive how others see and think as it acts as a rather good gauge to assess a person? He seemed eager to talk, since the moment I contacted him, like he had so much to say, but he had to wait till the time was right. I did not know how and why he was eager to talk or really how long he was actually waiting. I could tell he was holding back immensely, as certain questions I asked pertaining to my suspicion on this would result in an answer from him that was always “ I do not want to manipulate you.” Curious why would he keep saying that and what does it mean?

Also is accent was very thick it was really hard to understand what he was saying. It was also hard for him to understand what I was saying because as many of you know I talk (even write) very fast, too fast for him and he did not understand anything I said either. (Its so hard for me to slow down my talking, I can not help it my dad used to be an auctioneer but really my whole family talks fast, my youngest brother Bug talks the fastest out of all of us. He talks like Boomhower from the show King of the Hill.) Despite the difficulty in understanding each other we still tried to communicate but it was mostly done through body language, energy and of course the language of the eyes; we were constantly reading and scanning each other, not for cautionary reasons but for curiosity and intrigue reasons on my part. On his part he was downloading my full psychological profile. He was open and willing to talk about anything, he was not reserved or guarded at all. He was gentle I felt comfortable to the point in the few hours I knew him. I blurted out “I feel very comfortable with you, like I can rely on you. I know it sounds strange, I said, but that feeling is very strong, and I know it’s not an implant thought because I know how to detect thought implants. So I know its not that, but what I do not know exactly at least not consciously. I mean lets face it we both know your a strange one, but I like strange I always have. But still this is most curious non the less. I mostly only feel like 80% with others.” He responded with “hmm interesting, and yes I agree formality introductions are so annoying. “ What did he mean by that? Was he indicating that he already knew me somehow?

At one point in our conversation he reminded me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland as he kept asking me “Who Are You?” (and he never even seen the show or knew what I was talking about when I mentioned the movie) he just kept asking  me “Who Are You?” He was not asking for himself but for me to inquire deeper on who I think I am? Am I living according to that idea? How deep was I willing to go inquiring on this question? Was I willing to inquire with the wholeness of my mind? Every answer I gave he said “No,” and thus pushed me to go deeper. Odd how we give such important crucial things only a certain amount of thought, only willing to go so deep and then stop and settle most likely on what the collective tells us or what feels all warm and fuzzy inside; and that in someway stagnates us from not just thinking deeper, but also ever knowing who we truly are. As it makes us unconsciously turned off maybe even scared to think for ourselves, or find out for ourselves? And so it was that such a simple cartoony question caught me off guard what can I say? What does he mean by this question? When every answer I gave him he said no until I got tired, annoyed and offended. I mean who is this guy? To make such a bold implication about me in our first encounter; that I do not know who I am but he does? And I am supposed to believe him? How does he know anyway he just met me? At first I thought it was not possible for him to know me right off the bat. But indeed he did and it took me aback, who is this guy? I thought and he responded to my thought directly after I had it. “The same as you.” He said as clear as a bell telepathically, but I dismissed it as what ever. Instead I fired his question right back at him and who are you exactly and what do you do exactly? I’m an observer he said and I observe. That does not seem very excited I said actually it sounds pretty boring but humble. What does it mean exactly to be an observer I asked? He smiled and said you will see.

Chapter 3 An Encounter in the Bathroom

We talked for a while until midnight, and then it was time for bed. My bed was a pool floatation thingy with some questionable unappealing and not to mention filthy covers and pillow. The house was not the cleanest and my bed was on the dirty floor right in front of the fridge. (Really? I thought that’s where I am sleeping? This is supposed to be couch surfing not floor surfing. He had very minimal furniture there was no coach except one outside but he kept insisting it’s not a good idea to sleep outside. The floor would have to do. What ever I will just go with it, I’m not picky and surly it can not be as bad as the first bed I slept with when I arrived in Bali right?) Diego then showed me the bathroom, as I wanted to wash up before bed. The bathroom was his favorite place in the house and I could see why it was an actual jungle in there complete with trees and vines. Half of it was an open roof with exotic trees and plants crawling over the wall made of stacked rocks. There were pictures of exotic alien like bugs on the wall and many rocks painted by him that looked like crop circles, with odd language, strange patterns and designs, languages and codes too complex and sophisticated for me. The only thing I could make out was the same thing written on every stone which was “First of all your made by energy not your ideas/beliefs.” Ok I thought he has most likely heard some new agers squawk that old dinner roll “our thoughts create our reality” and most likely felt it was not true, thoughts were maybe not deep enough to him, thoughts seemed to be just the cover of the book, he was using his art to get people to think about what’s behind our thoughts. And, what’s behind our thoughts? Energy… ok but what does it mean?  If our energy is creating our reality then what does that say about our energy? In some ways it made more sense as I had met people who were positive, saying I create my reality with my thoughts, but their life still did not work out what was behind the pressure and control to be positive maybe something not so positive after all? Perhaps it was fear or negligence not wanting to see or deal with all the warnings that life gives us, until the point we are in a tiny cage trying to be positive? But what can we do about it? How do we let ourselves see what we do not want to see and do what we spend our lives avoiding to do?

As I washed my face trying to understand this guy that’s dressed all in black, he represents and embodies a mystery most compelling. I suddenly felt a presence in the bathroom. How do I describe this presence? It was not a cold chill that one feels when they watch shows about ghosts (as spirits love shows about them and will always come to watch and leave after the show. They can not help being so cold making the back hairs on your neck stand up.) or something, it was like a ripple in the field and some electric current tingles on my temples, some hairs on my head stood up like static electricity interference to, as if I jammed my finger in a plug socket. Most people see with their mind not with their eyes, so its like looking at something in the way you would be looking at a magic eye picture, sometimes we use our eyes in this way on purpose and sometimes it happens by accident. (We think magic eye is a children’s game but its not just that, its showing us how to see with more then the past conditioned mind, to see what’s really there. Try looking at people and trees like you would with a magic eye picture and you will be surprised what you see.) We just click on some how and are able to in a split moment, see beyond the static picture. To see what’s really there and what I saw again is tricky to explain because the mind decoding gets in the way wanting to filter things a certain way. When that happens the experience then gets watered down by thoughts, as our known, our past knowledge gets in the way of our own unconscious comprehension of the unknown; not to mention the feelings to follow that exist beyond articulation. The worst thing we can do is try to intellectually decode such feelings and compare it with past pollution knowledge. (Its what happens in all paranormal experiences which are all really just glitches in the matrix from OBE to NDE and that’s why so many end up remembering very little and what they do remember is rhetoric and also watered down.) That being said what I saw was a tall slender stick like being, with pointy ears, long pointy nose, pointy pointing down cheeks, with some really long whiskers like a mouse just a few on each side of his cheeks chin ears and head. The eyes were tiny, close together and the most curious thing about him was his very long arms, that reached down to the floor his elbows bent the opposite direction then the way humans do. His clothes were torn garments that looked like they were from another time and place, he was kind of shocked that I saw him, and disappeared as soon as we both realized we could see each other. I came out of the bathroom and told Diego what I saw, he said, “very good, you were able to feel and see him, that’s one of my many friends that also lives here.”  “Is he an elf?” I asked? “No he is, lets say something like a troll, but not how people think of them once again they have it all wrong with that to” he said. “Ah I see,” I said, Again I thought another thing that is not what it seems.

Chapter 4 Bedtime Stories

The only part of the house I had not seen was upstairs that was his dwelling, I remember thinking for some reason it was a mysterious laboratory cave up there, at this point I would not be surprised at all. The house in total was small and tight there was no other place for my bed to be but in front of the fridge. My first night sleeping on that bed was most uncomfortable what’s up with me having problems with beds was I coming down with a princess and the pea syndrome? Aside from the bed being not comfortable the covers made me itchy or as Diego would say eeetchy. I could not sleep at all, so I tried to think what I could do. Should I tell him that this bed is not going to work out for me for the next 2 weeks? Especially after some stories he shared with me about the area where he lives. It’s a place with one of the highest amounts of black magic going on. Apparently Semenyak is worse there, it’s said to be so much concentration of the dark arts that even military FBI that went their to film black magic Pokemon like battle of summoning spirits; they ended up seeing the most bizarre crazy unfathomable spirits launching fire balls in the air and other elements as not so holographic like battles, were the spirits almost burned the place down, to the point the FBI man got so scared ran out leaving all their extremely expensive equipment behind never to return for it.

Diego had lived in Bali Indonesia for 4 years and in that time had hosted over 400 coach surfers from all over the world. He had shared with me how out of all of them their was one person in particular that stayed with him that was super confused and in fear, to the point where while he was sleeping he awoke to strange sensation in the bed only to find their were maggots all over the bedding and all over his body, he was not dreaming, they really were there, he screamed called Diego and Diego came down and all the maggots were gone suddenly. Diego went upstairs and no sooner did he leave a giant spider showed up, but bigger then usual I mean the spider are pretty freakin big here but not like this spider; it was like a spider on steroids and it sure as heck did not act like a spider at all.  According to Diego, this is a classic example of black magic that gets done to people who have confused and fear saturated energy.  If one does not want such an experience conjured up for them, then you have to be willing to understand what’s behind it and do not label it good or evil or pray or call for help as that is only a temporary fix the symptoms and side effects for those drugs/illusions/attempts are much worse. Plus its irresponsible those beings do not go away they either comes back later or goes to another person. So only you yourself must face them alone with out any armor of god, angels, guides or what ever. All that must be laid aside in order to truly be free from confusion. Diego often said don’t ever let fear get in the way or rob us of a possible communion. (more on this later.)

Yep there are some huge spiders here that’s to be expected in exotic countries and sleeping on the floor did not give me the most pleasant visuals but then again nowhere is safe from a spider they go everywhere even our bed. I tried to stick it out for a few nights camping on the floor but after the 3rd night I told Diego that this sleeping arrangement was not going to work for me. I thought maybe he would be gentlemen and volunteer his bed and sleep on the floor? So I asked if I could go upstairs and see his bed. When I finally went upstairs it was not as exciting as I thought it would be, there was however a huge bed and yep it’s a lot more comfortable and the blankets; well not the cleanest but cleaner so that’s an improvement. His whole house was not very clean; the kitchen was a place I tried to avoid though it was right beside my bed. Its ok its only temporary I kept telling myself and I’m not the cleanest creature either I have a high tolerance for mess, as I tend to be a messy person, but this was a bit too much even for me.  Though it was nice that Diego did not mind my own mess at all it took me a bit to get used to his coolness about this, as my ex hated it and always made me feel terrible about it. So I still had remnants of anxiety of staying at another persons place being cautious of a persons red buttons and preparing myself to walk on egg shells and be ready to leave on a moments notice. But Diego was actually very laid back and did not freak out about, well, anything really. So then when I brought up my sleeping conditions again I could see he was not going to give up his bed; so he said I was welcome to sleep in his bed as well if I wanted. “You mean me and you stay in the same bed together at the same time?” I asked. And I was like oh no, please do not tell me he is like that. “Ok I will, but you should know I’m not that kind of girl, so do not get any ideas I’m just using your bed for sleeping eating, working and maybe building a little fort out of and that’s it. Do not touch me at all in the night. When I am in the vicinity of people (mostly guys) when I sleep. I can be a very light sleeper and I have some part of me that acts like a guard when I sleep so I will smack you in my sleep if need be, if you try to do anything funny while I’m sleeping.” (Maybe it is because I grew up with three brothers who liked to play pranks on each other when you sleep.  Sometimes unconscious messages come to us while we are sleeping that makes one feel compelled to train themselves to be total aware of their surroundings what’s going on even hearing a whole conversation all while we are sleeping; or training yourself to awaken just before the morning alarm clock goes off so you do not have to hear such a horrendous sound. Its how one is able to read a book while having it under the pillow while sleeping is accomplished or understanding subliminal messages from the having the TV or radio on while sleeping is deciphered to. Actual the subliminal messages are even playing /speaking to us even if the electronic devices are turned off but unplugging the device tends to decrease this intensity. Telepathic communication is done easier while sleeping to, and not just that you can also visit people in their dreams I love so much about sleeping is the multi tasking things that can be accomplished like a computer being purposely left on and downloading a bunch of various things while we are sleeping or busy doing other things.)

I know its weird for me to threaten Diego with violence if he tries anything. I know what your all think as you read this Jess what gives did you not tell him when you first met the guy that you feel comfortable with him? So where did that go? No, its not that, I do feel comfortable with him but its my old conditioning and cautionary software inside me that was in friction with this?

Every night we stayed up late talking and talking, I could tell him anything and he seemed to understand that was rare alone, but he not only could understand but was always able to take it deeper; added new pieces of the puzzle, zooming in and out of each topic of micro detail to complex scientific macro detail and everything in between. He was/is so never ending interesting; how could someone know so much, be so clear, so sincere and curious?

Chapter 5 The Haunting of Ghosts from the Past

My first week in at Diegos is when I was asked to do a written video interview regarding my healing and jessage for a friends project. I really enjoyed doing this video, I filmed it on my own in the front of Diegos house. This video got a lot of hits and inspired a lot of people. There is some kind of candid magic in that moment this sense of peace that people sensed in me. I was back to old jess that they knew. That was a comfort to people and to me at that time. Here is that video link.  Massage Planet News: Jessica Talks about her Body Work/ Jessages & Energy Healing

About a week or so into our new sleeping arrangements Diego asked me “may I touch you?” And I said “uh, well alright, just be respectful bub.” (I was always careful what I wore to bed nothing to provoke a man, layers and flannel usually do the trick, but a nice sleeping bonnet is rather helpful to; think of it as little house on the prairie style. Oh yes I had turning men off down to an art.)  But non the less their he was reaching out to me slowly he touched his finger tip with mine like ET sensing my psychological inner ouuuch. He then slowly put his hands on my hands and arms and face shoulders and neck stomach and legs, feet as well. Actually he did not go all those continents of my flesh in one night it was dragged out one body region at a time. His touch was not a typical touch (nothing about this man is typical, everything he does and says is completely out of left field indeed most unconventional.) I’m trying to think how to describe it. I was pretty nervous at that time because I thought I had no other options. Knowing that I was so conflicted at that time, yet I knew I was fine and it was interesting and all with him but I was also annoyed. I really did not want to stir up this pot inside me, I did not even want to think about it, or be reminded. A big part of me wanted to be left alone, to not have to deal with the pawing of men. As a touch from a man reminded me of my ex, his face popped up and suddenly I was back in the past with him this escape to Bali was just a dream, and so Diego’s touch was immediately associated with pain and unpleasant memories. But I was here with Diego that was my here and now I reminded myself, so I had to deal with the flooding in of these memories. This was my only option till I could go back to Wolf’s villa and to my own bed that was waiting for me. Sure the villa was not the best place for me either but at least I had my own bed a huge lush clean canopy at that and so being there was somehow a bit easier to navigate myself away from memories that were not welcome. So I just had to put up with it knowing I had full control and no one was going to do anything with me with out my permission. Diego’s touches were soft and gentle but my mind would not let me enjoy those innocent moments, they were too corrupted by the past so thinking back to that moment is now recalled as bitter sweet. The best way to describe Diego’s touch, it was as if he was tracing or drawing something on me sometimes, perhaps the patterns and designs that he drew on his stones in the bathroom and other times it felt like he was typing a code on me as if I was an ipad/computer it was very peculiar. I mean really who the heck touches someone like that, really? He stayed away from my private areas which was good cause the last time I looked down yonder there were cob webs and I could have sworn I saw a tumbleweed go by. No way was I ready or willing to go there.  But still I was not the most comfortable by all this because it was kind of well strange. I’m sure Diego knew it made me uncomfortable and actually I think that’s why he choose to do that, he is always so fascinated with our psychological internal suffering and struggling the things we try so hard to hide and avoid if you tell him not to go there he will go there anyway cause he can not stand to see us at the mercy of the past and mere illusory thoughts. It took me a long time to understand this fully and though I sensed he was wanting to help, he was wanting to show me something. I was not ready for it and wanted to deal with this on my own, it was just too painful to open up about and because of what I was going through at that time I could not read Diego or his intentions as well as I thought and I did not need this. It was just too painful for me to go there. So the next day I contacted Wolf and asked him if I could go back to his place yet? Ya, he was not my favorite person but at least I had a room and bed to myself there were I could sleep there with out worried about being touched and thus reminded of things I only wanted to forget. I just really rather be left alone and besides Eo was coming soon and Diego said he was fine with Eo staying there with him on the floor, hope it would not be hard for him to sleep on it like it was for me. And how would it look like to Eo if he knew I was sleeping in the same bed as Diego while little Eo slept on the floor? I thought it all rather awkward. The next few nights I told Diego to back off and leave me be, no way was I going to let anything sexual happen or even thinking about it was unbearable, and I just laid in the bed like a cold stone. Diego was not phased at all he just lay their in quiet contemplation occasionally asking me questions in order for me to explore the root of my suffering and that to was awkward and something I was not willing to go as well.

Chapter 6 Cards

The following day I was sitting out on the hammock contemplating how in nature the plants turn from yellow to green when Diego came down for his cigarette and said. “I want to show you something about the mind and how it works is that ok?” “Yes” I said. He pulled out some cards, ok cards tricks I thought. “No” he said “I want to show you something about your mind and how it works.” In his hand he had a stack of cards. “Ok” he said “look at the cards, can you guess where the ace of spades is? Ok he said try again, and I just followed along but I was not doing very well and was getting most upset damn it I hate being on the spot. My success rate of the amount of correct cards guessed was about 25%. “My abilities are shy,” I said. “Oh” he said, “you were so close you picked the one next to it. Your hesitating and not listening to yourself, why do you think that is?  Its because your mind is busy he said in thinking, for example your thinking of 17 different things right now and your trying too hard while getting upset, so that means your sabotaging yourself to. I started to get annoyed with him on this; “I’m just not good at being on the spot” I said. “Are you sure that’s what it is?” he said? Ok then, lets try this, do you see that bird there?” he pointed to a little bird that was electric blue with a bright red beak “yes I said it’s actually my favorite bird here.” “Good he said “now think about that bird when I ask you to find the next card think only about that bird not the card.” “Ok” I said and I grabbed the card and it was the one he asked me to find, so he asked me to find another and I did, I improved dramatically. My success rate is now 90% accurate cards guessed all because I was focusing on the bird and not the card even though I was still on the spot. So what happened there? “Its just a simple silly remote viewing game he said. Anyone can do it but since they do not know their mind or fears, they have that always in the way of doing such effortlessly and if your clear and not confused and can remote view not just cards, but anything and anyone.” “No I said maybe its you doing it or its some kind of a trick?” “No he said its actually you that is doing it.” Diego really enjoy showing people their potential and what’s sleeping behind their mind. I was amazed even dumb struck maybe even a bit scared. When he shows how I can just know with out thinking, and just how much the thinking mind is in the way. He then said, “So when I’m/your wanting to understand or do something in particular try to get the mind out of the way by thinking about anything, but what you should do, and see how clearly what you actually need to know the best option for you comes to you. It’s the same how kids just know very complex and deep even prophetic things that seems to come out of nowhere. Or how nature is able to function and just knows. How does a bird just know how to fly? How do they know how to not crash into other birds? How does the snakes know where the water is to get to the frogs? How does a female animal know how to give birth with out reading any books or having any help from anyone? These things always fascinated me how do they just know? And why don’t we just know? We should know as well. Yes we should, but we do not know because we are so busy in our mind, trying to know and thus further disconnecting ourselves taking us further and further from nature and its sync flow. No matter how many out there try to tell you its perfect and meant to be it’s simply not true. It was not meant to be, all this strife and confusion for us, it is not all perfect nor meant for us to be so disconnected not at all. We do it ourselves with out beliefs and we do it to each other its a real bad unconscious habit that we collectively have, that we need to be aware of in order to break; so to start practice being aware of our understanding with out learning muscle.” Diego then said could I show you something else?” He handed me the whole deck of cards he said look at the first card on the top so you, only you can see it, do not show me or tell me what it is. I did and he then told me what the card was, I grabbed the next card he got that one as well, was he reading my mind? Using my eyes to see the cards? I went through the whole deck he was 100% accurate. I looked at him in total amazement. He said, “I am not special or gifted, nor do I have x-ray vision, it’s not magic either. Its actually mathematics to understand with out learning” he said this in such a precise, certain, artistic, nonchalant, playful way that it was astonishing to witness. He continued on, “In the case of the cards, its not me its you, yes I was able to see the cards through your eyes. If one thinks with the wholeness of their mind then they can do the same and then some, this what I do with cards, is just an example, but know if it can be done with cards then it can also be done with out cards.
Its how we can all be if we were first willing to go past and think past all our beliefs/fears be it religious spiritual or what ever, those thoughts are an obstruction to our birthright potential, if we are busy in with and through our mind searching for more answers and knowledge then we will never know what we always knew.” “I know I said, I know I always knew I just forgot, we all forgot. If we understand fully and deal with the fragmentation wall in our mind then perhaps we will never forget.”

Chapter 7 Back at the Wolfs Lair

A few days later, Wolf was ready for me go back to his place but not before Diego gave me a gift of a black silverish stone of some sort it looked like hematite, which is my least favorite of stones, I do not like hematite at all.  I would later find out that this was no ordinary stone it was a kryton. (I will explain what a kryton is later on.)

It was arranged for me to be brought to the shisha lounge again where Wolf would collect me, the very same place were Diego first collected me. I’m sure it must have looked odd to the staff to see this girl being passed back and forth between these two men. But again nothing is what it seems. Wolf seemed to be happy to have me back. Apparently my energy was better then his girlfriends not that I cared. I just took it as it did not go to well with his time with her and yep I was right. Wolf gave me an earful on how jealous she was how she did not want to share him with anyone and bla bla.  During my first 2 months in Ubud I went back and forth from Diego and Wolfs place, again things were up and down with Wolfs girlfriend so I had to leave at a moments notice and last minute being all packed I would find out oh Wolf and his on again off again girlfriend are hot and heavy again and other times they never ever wanted to speak to each other again then back to being madly in love, oh man give me a break. So that ended up with me canceling my plans, oh crap internet is down, I did not have a phone so things like that resulted in me standing up Diego a few more times. Sometimes I would be thinking i would be able to meet him somewhere then end up being late at the mercy of Wolfs schedule and not able to call or reach Diego to let him know or just plain confuse or forget the times. I was like a bouncy ball at this time caught up in the tumultuousness drama of other peoples lives. But at that time I was still glad to be back at the villa and I missed the monkeys and the Internet was better there to. I asked Wolf to help me create a flyer for my workshop or to at least find a good place to hold it at as Losita would be here soon;( the lady whom I was doing my workshops with and the whole reason I was traveling in Asia to begin with) but Wolf always had an excuse when it came to really helping me.

The baby pup Pig we rescued was glad to see me to, glad to see she had not forgotten me. Wolf was up to his old tricks working even more hard to show off and play alpha male to all his friends and employees even when a male super model arrived. Now Wolf was offering me a spot in that eco community he was building and my family was welcome to come and stay there to. Ok but what did he want me from me that he was willing to do such for free of charge? As other woman came to  the villa he charmed them all, they were all eager to get with him and they did ewe.

The villa was started to feel like a brothel, so the next time Wolf or one of his employees went to town I would make plans to go with them and go back to Diego’s. I caught a ride with the engineer from Scotland, he was the most sincere person at the villa. I felt the most comfortable with him. He was married with a daughter he was working with Wolf so he to could bring his family out of cold repressed Scotland so they could live with him in Bali. It was also his responsibility that the water hydraulics clean energy device worked and the poor guy was under so much stress and pressure to make sure it worked for all these influential people, that Wolf brought over for demonstrations.

Chapter 8 My First Video with Diego

No sooner that I was dropped off sure enough there was Diego waiting for me right on time, never late like Wolf. Diego was smoking a cigarette fiddling with the lighter when it fell into the ditch but he picked it up wiped it off with his shirt and acted as if it was as good as new. (ewe) “What? he said its fine, germs do not have to be bad or our enemy. It all depends on our relationship and the ability to assimilate it.” My thoughts were right ok what ever.

Back at Diego’s place he asked me how everything was going at the villa I told him it was going great, and Wolf was an amazing man and they were doing such great things for the light workers and I wanted to do a video interview with him and the project but he is not ready yet. I sent Diego their website. “Did you look it over? Truly exciting stuff, they are geniuses right? You know I said I really appreciate you being there for me helping me out with everything so I want to do something for you… I was thinking I would do a video with you and have you share your project with my audience as you and your work are rather interesting and maybe others can benefit from it to? I will interview you like Opera interviews her guests. “Who is Opera” he asked? “Really you do not know who Opera is?” He really truly did not, he was not into anything mainstream, he did not read any books either. Its refreshing but also strange because he knows so much, how does he know so much? Where does it all come from? “Ok I said Even though I do not agree with your message fully there is no reason I can not play devils advocate, besides if this is able to help others then its worth it.”  “Ok lets do it he said, but my English is not the best, and its not such a simple thing that can be summed up in an hour but we will try.”

I asked him what he is going to do with all this understanding that he had he mentioned the End of Fear project he was working on. “Ok lets talk about that to then. As I am always looking for a way to help others with their project.” Also I wanted to do something to show my gratitude to him for taking me and Eo in. Also I wanted more people to hear this guy talk, but would they understand the things he talked about  it was so deep and complex and his Italian accent so thick and so soft. And what would my audience think of him? Would they judge him cause he wore all black or talked about the dangers of love and light? Would they think he was evil because of this? Diego wore black everyday the same clothes everyday the same hair style spiked up like a porcupine, the same dark shades and a cigarette never to far away from him. What would my audience think about his views on the new age and spiritual speakers? Would they think he was bashing them, or a misinformed, or would they see what he was getting at? Or would they not focus on the message at all but him and feel annoyed with his knowing, I’m sure people would think who is he to say such. As if one needs to be certified in someway to speak especially if they refuse all labels. Though it was a bit offensive to me as I am seen as a spiritual speaker I could not argue with him the man had a point.

here is the first video we did together, its funny for me as I had no idea who this person was going to be to me at the time. Jessica & Diego: Fear is the Cause of Depression, Anxiety & Sadness

Chapter 9 Verbal Jousting About Light Workers

As you see in the video his work was all about fear how its linked to depression anxiety and sadness I know so many are dealing with depression even my best friend was struggling with this so maybe it could also help her. As for me well, I’m not in fear, or depressed nor do I have anxiety or anything so his work I felt did not really pertain to me. That’s what I thought at the time. Nor did I agree fully with what he was about, his views on light workers being totally messed up. I’m a light worker after all, but I’m not messed up and confused. No, it can not be fully true, he is just perhaps jaded and cynical, too many light workers judging him because he wears black and brings up things that are well not the most pleasant positive and love light stuff that people want to hear. So yes it would be a risk for me to interview someone like him but perhaps even a bigger risk not to share? He reminded me of the Grinch being excluded from everything until one becomes bitter but that was not the case with Diego it went a lot more deeper. It’s a shame he felt that way though because he was not alone their were others out there, that felt the same as him, but he kept saying, “Where show me one so called spiritual person that is not messed up that understands? Show me a light worker that not only sees the dangers in what they are promoting but also is willing to admit and do something about it? (if anyone knows of a light-worker or conscious person that is not messed up then have them contact us cause we are still looking for one.) Always when I talk with them he said and push them to go deeper they crack under the pressure they can not handle it and they turn on me saying, I’m evil, when all I did is show them things inside them; only to have them freak out and run for the hills.” “I’m a light worker I said do you think I am stupid?” “No, he said your just confused and your not a light worker you just think you are its not the same.” “What do you mean, its not the same how so?” I asked. “Your not attached to your labels, your idea or your identity, your willing to inquire past it and let it all go if need be. Also you never fit in with the light workers not really you always felt something was off, but you were not sure what. You had empathy and liked to talk about mystical things and found yourself in a leadership position.” “Well yes that is true I said, I know how beliefs and labels are just stepping stones to understand a greater truth. Its dangerous to lock a truth in an end all be all. Its precisely why I always say there are no limits just beliefs.” “Right, he said so then what does that make beliefs? Lies they are all lies that’s why the word belief has the word lie in it.” “Well yes, I agree I said I know your right as my poems taught me that, the answer is always in the question or in the very word itself, its linguistics, that’s where the trap is the more one understand and looks into entomology the more one understands. So you see I understand that much so how dare you say I am confused I’m not. And I cannot let you put down the light workers like this, they are my family. I have a responsibility to them to look out for them and guide them accordingly.” He said, “Give it some time and perhaps you will see and understand yourself, your situation and what you think is your mission more better.” “Stop it Diego, stop talking like you know me and my life you have no idea.” “Oh I know you, he said, I know you very well, but I can’t tell you as I do not want to manipulate you.” Then he walked away lit a cigarette and a small smile showed up on his face as if he was sharing some inside knowing with himself. This was not confidence that Diego had, as confidence has doubt and insecurity, and a standard of comparison, he just seemed to know and he did not care that he knew. But how my brain raced how can he know me so well? How can he know me better then I know myself? Who the heck is this guy Anyway? I said “I know there is something that can change your mind that will help you better understand and see the significance in light workers and that is a trigger of love. Yes that’s it you may have lived this way your whole life, why I bet you have not had any girlfriends at all, what with you being so content on your own. Its understandable someone like you that is so unique finding a partner must be real challenging. But there is someone out there that will love you then you will understand.” I stated confidently feeling that I had figured out Diego. “I do not need someone for or to love” he said. “Everyone does” I said. “In time you may see things differently he said. I said “But love is the most important thing, isn’t it? You agree with that at least right?” “And did someone tell you that he said?” “No, my heart told me.” I said. “Are you sure” he said. “Yes” I said stubborn and determined to hold my ground and paradigm. He just does not understand I thought but maybe in time he would. Then I decided to play hardball I would try to get him excited about his partner of the girl I saw coming for him I described her as clear as I could. Most people get very excited when I do this for them and they ask me more questions about this person I see for them. But Diego just lit another cigarette small smile on his face and responded with “I do not care. This means nothing to me.” “Oh come on Diego, your so stubborn, you must care, everyone cares.” “ Well I do not, nor do I need/want your feeble predictions, its not going to change my life. I know my life and myself, I know how to co create with life so I do not need someone else’s predictions or ideas about my life and what they think I need. So many light workers say they create their own reality but then they go and speak to psychics and mystics for predictions about them and their life what is that? I’m not the one that is suffering from such a lack after all.” “Nor am I, I said I’m better on my own anyway. I’m more happy to, I only explore relationships because it’s what’s expected of us and I get super curious about certain human experiences dynamics and synergy sometimes.” “I know he said. I know all your little strategies to he said, you’re nervous now but don’t be.” “How could I not be nervous he was quaking my paradigm, unraveling me.  It started seeping into my mind though little bits of doubt what if he was right, what if the growing rise of interest in spirituality was linked to depression increased as well?

No way I thought would I let this get me upset. I will keep my light heartedness, my faith in love. I would keep challenging him, there must be some cracks somewhere with him? In which he can better understand light workers and love, I was determined to find it? I would try all kinds of angles and approaches playing devils advocate. I wanted him to see that he was missing out on something wonderful, and question his own certainties.

“Ok I said I’m going to meditate and do some yoga now.” He did not say anything he just went up stairs at that time I had no idea his thoughts on yoga and meditation. As for me I never meditate but my friend Mr. treks who I wrote about in my Malaysia blog (a trekky Buddhist monk) gave me a special mediation that he said could help the world and I promised him I would do it as often as I could, if it would help the world then why not? So there I am sitting in the lotus position trying to stay focused and in peace but did you ever notice the more you try to hush the mind and focus on particular thing the mind wants to rebel and think of useless commercial songs that you heard years ago that you had no clue you even remembered which leads to another thought and another then next thing you know your on such a long thought train you totally forget what your original task was and when you do remember you get annoyed with yourself for being such a stubborn monkey and then you try again and you fall asleep. Something in me always rebelled every time I made an attempt to meditate. So decided to do some bikram yoga instead I had a whole class recording from Bikram himself and Bali was hot enough so I did not need to go to any studio besides bikram yoga for some reason is no where to be found here. So I change into my yoga gear and try to be all graceful and concentrated and Diego comes down for his cigarette break and boom I fall down. ok get back up ignore him pretend he is not there just stay focused jess, be all zen and all one and such, you can do this, you’ve done it many times before but alas I could not get my yoga groove on with the Diego crow hovering around. I wondered if he had something to do with my inability to pretzel myself when he was around, acting all innocent with his cigarette but perhaps he was just curious and had to come down and check it out what I was doing and what kind of energy I was producing. Was he using his energy to throw me off? I would not be surprised. Perhaps he sensed the snobby annoyed energy I gave off. Of course he did but he has a precise way of approaching someone asking questions that really were little bombs for the psyche that make you rethink all that you think and do.  “What was that you were doing? He asked softly. “Its yoga I said want to try?” He politely declined. (As I write this and now knowing him as well as I do now I think what I would pay to see Diego doing yoga it would be so funny I would surly have to record it and put it up on our EOF group.) “Ah it was yoga, he said, I see. I thought it was some military training.” “No not at all.” “But why do you do it he asked?” As I got into the various reasons one does yoga I was like ya right you know what’s this is really about to. His little subtle questions turned into a case that is one of the biggest reasons people do yoga is to cover up some confusion and struggling, or just to feel more spiritual. As I looked deeper into this, why I was really doing yoga and why I even started I found that damn it he was right again. I was stressed being haunted with the ghosts of the past and inertia /frustration of my present situation, and I was feeling less spiritual because of it. Ok it was a bit of drug but there are worse drugs right, I just needed a small fix for the problem though it did not really help, I just made myself believe it did, like the placebo effect. Which he also clearly identified as well.. damn  ok fine Mr. Diego you win this round. I needed to have some other clever contenders and then I thought about bringing Diego over to the villa to have an actual chat with Wolf oh would that not be an interesting conversation both men are very intelligent hmm, he would help Diego better understand the significant work the light workers do, that could impress him to and maybe I could arrange some other friends that could come as well I wonder how well everyone would connect perhaps network and collaborate on projects?

After another couple days at Diego’s and fully annoyed with him and his mind bombs and so I went back to the villa besides it seemed like Wolf had a job for me and I needed to work, so I went to look into this opportunity.

Chapter 10 Tensions Rising at the Villa

Again Wolf was prowling me, but I was resistant though rumors were starting that we were together and no matter how I tried to say that was not true, no one seemed to believe me or care what I had to say. Then Wolf told me that he was going to spend 5 days at his girlfriends place and another engineer was coming by the villa and he had given him my room and bed but since he would be away I could stay in his room and bed, which was nicer and bigger the deluxe suite. Which was fine until the second night when he came back in the middle of the night stripped down and crawled into bed and held me as if we were together. Being poked awake in the middle of the night is most annoying I mean really go use that thing as a coat hanger or something or take a cold shower.  He tried many times for something to happen but I would not allow it. I went into cold stone mode speaking of stone the hematite stone/kryton that Diego had given me lay in my belt wallet beside the bed. And there was Wolf trying to push something to happen so I held him a little bit, I’m really too tolerant sometimes but why was I putting up with it? I let Wolf get away with more then with Diego and Wolf was a beast compared to Diego. Perhaps it was because I felt I had to. I would put up with it for as long as I had to be in Bali but I would not give in.  I was putting up with his advances for my family, for my soul family, the light workers and maybe also as a way to show my ex I can be just fine with out him and accomplish my mission. So with Wolfs advances I was not ready I would say I need time, I’m on my woman time of the month, whatever excuse I could come up with. I would bide my time in order to pass the time. What other options did I have? I tried to suggest that I do not mind sleeping on his couches but to him that idea was preposterous. Then in going out for food or to restaurants he would publicly grab me and no matter how many times I told him not to do it he would continue to, as if trying to wear me down. And I was furious with him and the gossip going on at the villa everyone thinking we are a couple even though I denied it they were like “Ya right you guys were sleeping in the same bed”. “Yes but nothing is happening” I said. “Ya right jess you expect us to believe that.”

I confided in Shy about what was going on at the villa and least she finally believed me which was nice but then I learned she was a lesbian like jessica Shackleton as or no wait Shy clarified she was bi sexual and she had a bit of a crush on me to, well ok great, can’t have a break with you either uh that reminds me I need to go and check on the monkeys bye bye miss bi.

Chapter 11 Alchemy

Then a new girl came to the villa, she was brought over as a friend of Shy’s and we made an attempt to be friends and hang out her name was Belinda. We hung out for a day and she invited me to come for a visit and her place we had a taxi drop us off and it turned out she lived just across the street from Diego after me and Belinda spent sometime together I told her I wanted to walk around the area on my own. I recall being at Diego’s I kind of felt trapped their to as the town was strange to me, and I did not know where anything was, or where to walk or go. We all need somewhere to go, and so I picked a place that I knew Diego told me he did not feel comfortable there at all. It was a green smoothie salad bar kind of a place with home made vegan organic raw treats packed with wheat grass, spirulina, the place is called Alchemy Café. The prices were insane and everyone who was in there were people who had dread locks, people mostly wore either yoga clothes or leather and feathers it’s the latest fad for the spiritual trend. We live in a world today where it’s more important to look and act smart or look conscious then actually be those things. I could see how Diego could be so uncomfortable in such place he would stick out like a sore thumb the only black crow in the place with all these people that had an air of acting like their farts don’t stink. Oh right excuse me, they were healthy and conscious people who eat expensive salads but still judge. Even me I could feel their eye on me when they thought I was not looking i was not that comfortable either but I could handle it.  I thought it odd how this place claimed to be 100% organic and GMO free but I know it was not true Bali is 100% GMO and sprayed. Most everywhere in the world is most places that try to tell you or tell you otherwise is lying I found out the hard way. But still so many gullible believe and trust. First of all the soil is depleted of enzymes, and the water is not the cleanest not to mention the air to so rather then trying to fight this GMO Monsanto beast which is not working at all as the more we try to cut the heads off the hydra millions more spring up in its place in every country. You can not help but wonder if that’s not working why do we keep doing the same thing? rather then going to the root inside themselves to stop this once and for all. These people were healthy psychically not always with this diet but what about their minds? Most of them we really messed up in their minds, raw food vegan diet for the body MacDonald’s obese diet for the mind. The minds growing fat on fantasy and delusion of consciousness. Perhaps there is something inside us we are not looking at or willing to deal with that we hide from ourselves not taking responsibility for the GMO thoughts as most have become conditioned to point the finger at imagined enemies instead. But I wonder is that really easier? Wolf and his friends like my ex were all so into spirituality and even were careful what they ate but living with these people, trying to be something they were not, made me feel like they were GMO unto themselves and unto all that is natural and good in this world. Most people think of them as highly spiritual and conscious I was now starting to see them as highly fake and Diego was right again. I was starting to see the world through his eye. Is this what spirituality has come to is it really that backwards now? Even in that arena? The only thing organic about this place was the rat and cockroach droppings as no kitchens no matter how expensive or health conscious are clean.  Also this cafe Alchemy had a huge cell phone tower coming out of it on the top, ya that’s super healthy, and when I learned that the upstairs was a place to get colonoscopy where some people go everyday and even make their kids do it (talk about spiritual not so conscious child abuse), this made me suspicious about these raw organic chocolate treats they were selling here.

This was going through my mind as I made my way through this raw food café. If I did not feel comfortable in this place why was I here I was wondering as I kept wandering around aimlessly then the reason was revealed to me there in the corner of the café was a familiar puff of hair. An afro puff to be exact. I would recognize that afro-puff anywhere, Eo! Oh my goodness that’s right, with everything going on in and around me I totally forgot the day the day that Eo was to arrive on and my unconscious randomly led me to him while my mind was busy in other things. There he was munching on an extremely expensive salad like a rabbit, to him the salad was cheap as Australia was an expensive country. What ever I did not want to get into this right now with him. I just wanted to enjoy him finally someone that knew me and would not make me feel uncomfortable, that would respect my boundaries. “What are you doing here? I mean how did you find this place? This is a small town that is so far away from the big main city. I’m sorry I could not find you any sleeping options Bali is really tricky, if you do not know where to go.” “Oh its ok I decided to contact that Diego guy and he had said it was no problem for me to stay with him. I have been here for a day now. I tried to offer Diego money for letting me stay with him but he denied it.” “Really I said and what do you think of him? I asked, do you think he is weird or anything?” “No to me he is hilarious a total character of his own making.” Eo said. “Yes I said he is quit funny, and he does not even know he is funny, he is just himself. He is a nice guy but he is not very spiritual and a bit jaded.”  “Well Eo said your used to that aren’t you?” “Yes but Diego can not be compared with others he is in a category all his own.” I then went on to tell Eo how proud i was of him this was his first trip all on his own away from his country at the same age as when I started on my travel adventures. “Next up Africa Ghana I said, I know how you have been dreaming about it for so long, to find your long lost family relative puff that are similar to you.”  “Ya, jess I was thinking your going to Africa after Bali, and you plan to be there for a while so maybe I will meet you out in South Cape town and then from there I will go find my family in Ghana?” “Well I’m not sure Eo, I’m a bit hesitant now to go to Africa, me and Jess are drifting and just seem to be on different wave lengths. It’s really strange every time I talk to her I do not feel the closeness anymore. I do not feel comfortable at all now, so I’m really not sure. I walked with Eo back to Diego’s place, it felt better now with Eo being there and I was so happy to see that everyone was getting along there was nothing weird going on no male competition or petty squabbles or anything. But then again Eo does not talk much at all no instead he was yet again my silent witness. He seemed to really enjoy my interactions with Diego and our verbal jousting debates. It started to become a game, a sport. I tried my hardest to not be bested by Diego. Eo was enjoying how we both were so stubborn were neither one of us was willing to bend.  Its ok soon I would have him at the villa, and Eo to, maybe he will be able to at least stay at Wolf’s eco community as well? I also decided to bring Taz that was helping me with my website and marketing maybe there could be an opportunity for him to? In order to set all that up, I went back to Wolfs place but I was not sure how much more I could put up with.  Looking back I cannot believe I kept going back their wow I can see how out of it I really was at the time.

Chapter 12 A Visit With the lord

Wolf kept acting like he needed me and I was important to him coming up with new jobs for me. But if I asked him to help me with this work shop that I came out to Bali to do, and some help with my website he was always to busy and had many excuses or made it seem like my work was nothing compared to his. That I knew nothing and he knew everything, and I needed to learn from him, that I needed him, this also really irked me because my ex did the same tactics. Oh Shizer, the memories and the past were closing in on me, there was no where I could go to escape them. The more I resisted the more it persisted and got even more intense for me. Wolf then reminded me that he was holding a big dinner with Lord Bath and he wanted me to be present to help out. Which is another reason why I left Diego’s place as I promised Wolf I would help him with this, I did not want to let him down or ruin some great opportunity, or maybe Wolf just wanted to create some reasons to have me their with him especially when things were not going well with his girlfriend was I his rebound or something? I had already my strategy for sleeping arrangements I would stay up late and work Wolf would get tired and go to sleep and I would try to pass out on the couch.

I was informed that this Lord Bath was known for his Leets castle estate in England he even had his own zoo on his property and many wives. The day of the event arrived and I got to meet this Lord, he looked like a cartoon character, he was very old, his health was failing but Wolf told him about all the best healers in the world that he had connections to even tantric masters that would fix him up good, and best sellers and on and on that could help him. You got a problem only he has the solution, just like my ex both like shyster used car not so conscious remedy sales men. I sat on the couch watching this Lord who was rather eccentric and dressed in dark royal purple crushed velvet from head to toe with a matching burae hat oh his head. He kept mentioned how much he liked chess. But we did not have a chess set so we promised him for the next meeting we would have a chess set for him. The Lord also had his family and close friends with him whom I could not relate with; they were all just well way too snobby. I was not impressed as I kept thinking what am I doing I am not like these people and I cannot pretend to be like them to just fit in. is this my life is this my mission really? It was getting harder and harder to justify such to myself as it started to feel less worth all this BS, that perhaps I was deluding myself? I have never been in the presence of such higher echelon people before; I did not know to communicate with them. So i did not say much, i just observed they where all such characters that reminded me of something from a Charles Dickinson novel. The Lord was not too happy to be in Bali he wanted to be back home at his desk of things he kept bringing up, until I asked, “Why do you miss your desk so much?” “It’s my desk it has stuff on it I have lots to do.” I am sure he missed his own private personal zoo to.   I then went back to being silent observing, in some ways though, I was proud, I felt like a success to, look at me with these people all talking about consciousness but the other part of me felt like I was a fake even if I was not participating I was still present and the energy was most unpleasant. Where was all this coming from I realized that Diego was really getting into my head, I was starting to think more about the things he kept bringing up and seeing some fragments of what he saw. That thought led me to wonder about Diego what would he think about these people? Would he be impressed by how conscious they were and the projects they were doing? And what about Eo? What would Eo think about Wolf? Eo has always been looking for a place to stay like an eco community. I was getting excited for everyone to soon meet. I could not contain my curiosity of what everyone would think of each other and what would come from such an interaction?

Chapter 13 Diego and Eo Meet Wolf

Then the day arrived when I had all my boys together Eo, Taz, Diego to meet Wolf and his crew at the villa and the monkeys to. Eo was not feeling well that day but still came along anyway. He was not impressed by Wolf at all or the project and after meeting with the monkeys and shooting some video of Pig the puppy getting his tail pulled by the monkeys he laid down on the couch. Taz was very interested in what Wolf shared and they exchanged contact info. Wolf was not very interested in my guests as they were no one important to him in status, projects or money, or tits but he did enjoy trying to impress and show off to them all.

Diego kept his sunglasses on and stayed detached and distant from everything and everyone even the monkeys he just observed silently smoking his cigarettes. He spoke very little even though I tried to engage more conversation between him and Wolf. I wanted them to pick each other’s brains. When Wolf did his presentation power point about the eco vision project and all his other projects in the middle of the presentation he saw I was over by Diego and Eo and he gestured for me to come over by his side and like a good trained dog without even thinking about it I went by his side and he put his arm around me as he continued on with his presentation again to show I was his property just in case the guys had any doubt. Now that I think about I’m trying to understand why I even went by his side like that? I guess I wanted the guys to know that I had a close ties connection with this project so if Wolf did not like them they could get in through me also. I did not want to jeopardize the light-wokers connection with the project through me either, I had to play nice and play the game so I thought. Then Wolf showed his clean energy devices for Indonesia same thing he shared with the politicians a hydraulic electricity faster cheaper and cleaner that could save Bali with the energy crises they were having.  Finally Diego spoke up he asked Wolf a question regarding the decided location of the eco community it was supposed to be on an island that was a whole wild life preserve just for animals and plants no humans. Yet Wolf was making plans to get in their thinking it would be ideal for only conscious people to be, that they somehow had a right to this pristine non polluted land after Diego heard that he went silent again.  A little later on Eo’s sickness got worse and so I tried to do some healing on him I asked, everyone else with abilities to help as well, everyone did their best with their energy and when I asked Diego if he could help me heal him. To which Diego responded, “I can but why?” It was so unexpected that me and Eo burst out laughing. Taz and Wolf did not get it and were puzzled by that remark. I mean who says that? Then that was pretty much it, Diego was done and ready to go and Eo needed to be brought back to rest, but started to feel a bit better after laughing from Diego’s comment and everyone left it was just me and Wolf again and his employees.

Chapter 14 Opening Portals Of Confusion

Wolf realized I was starting to lose interest/ respect in him and his experiences so he made an attempt to bring out the big guns that’s went something like this he started to me about an experiment he did at his villa that he wants to do again and would like me to be present for as well. It was to do with some crystal technology in Sweden that had a direct connection with the ley lines in bali and some kind of copper pyramid and a frequency device while they were meditating, chanting using mantras sacred sound color and crystals they managed to open up a portal that made one of their friends disappear temporarily and their place another person from another time. Wolf shared how this replacement looked like came from the mid evil time and was rather annoyed why he was there or summoned, odd thing was he did not seem to be surprised that he was there just annoyed. He was not dead nor a spirit just a man who somehow just appeared. While this was going on the pool was filling with this strange jello like purple slime extremely peculiar (like in the movie Poltergeist when they came out of the portal covered in similar purple jelly) the longer the portal stayed open the more purple slime filled the pool. Then when they stopped the purple slime disappeared along with the man from the mid-evil time and their friend was back from being at place that was described as something like the mid evil time but it was not so who knows where that was. This is just one of the many interesting out there things and story the Wolf told me and all of it was true. I just wanted to give you an example of what kinds of out there things he shared with me to give you a better idea of what the typical conversation was like there. (When I shared this with Diego he said this is very dangerous to do when confused and if you do not have the precise coordinates and that they most likely will release a predator and get a bad surprise and for what to be more conscious? To him its irresponsible, and said movies like Steven Kings “The Mist” is not fantasy you know, stuff like that can and does happen.)  A few days later I made plans to go back to Diego’s and when I informed Wolf of this at dinner he said ok but I would like you back here for next weekend as the Lord Bath will be returning and I want you to amuse him. I need you to keep your eye on him for me, keep him busy and distracted by playing chess with him. So make sure you get a chess set as well. Such a strange request I thought but ok I will not forget I will see you then I said. I was eager now to leave Wolfs place as he had no intention of giving me back my own room and I was becoming more repulsed by him his vulgar comments and arrogance, my tolerance was running thin. Though apparently at that time I was addicted to his psychological abuse and could not even see it.

I then changed the subject and talked him about what Diego shared with me about that he was able to read the fractal energy in peoples energy field, that could be read like computer soft wear that gave you all the information about a person right off the bat, everything you needed to know plain and clear broadcasted on their aura like a neon, in your face, eye rape, commercial add. “Oh just think? I said getting all excited at the possibilities. If we would all do that? Then no one could really lie or hide no one would be fooled by others, especially if they were a wolf in sheep’s clothing? That would be wonderful don’t you think?” Wolf did not like this at all perhaps cause i was talking about Diego and not him. “Did Diego tell you that?”Wolf asked I said, “Yes, he did. “Poppycock , he said, nothing but sheer nonsense, that guy is a total fake.” “Oh really I said you think he is fake, interesting ok so, tell me how do you know?” and he said “oh I know.” In my head I was thinking but as it goes as far as evidence Diego was solid there was nothing fake about him. He walks his talk which is extremely rare, while most everyone around me in just a short amount of time showed their true colors, either they were fake, or struggling with their own shadows and unable to even help themselves, that’s the thing about hiders they can only hide for so long and tend to fluctuate lots. Diego never changed, never fluctuated, never raised his voice, or lost his cool, nor did he ever stress of the whole time I spent observing him. I should know I was watching him closely looking for any cracks in Diego’s character. I tuned back into the moment to hear Wolf still continuing to bash Diego saying he was this and that and that Diego does not know what he is talking about he is not as conscious as him and bla bla. Then Wolf changed the subject to tell me he was leaving to England for a bit and I was welcome to accompany him and also to Mexico for the big 2012 end of the world shift celebration that would be held there. He had also made arrangements to set up the same eco community out there and open a portal of confusion out there as well, but he himself was a walking portal of confusion. I had enough of Wolfs offers and temptations. Ok that’s it, get me out of here, I got up and left and walked all the way to Diego’s place. I would arrange to pick up my stuff later.

Chapter 15 Getting to Know Diego

I suddenly started to feel so much more comfortable at Diego’s place I felt like I could finally breath. Eo was happy at Diego’s to, the swimming flotation floor bed did not seem to bother him at all. I spent the next couple of days and most of my time with Eo going out to eat and explore. I would go out for as long as pleased not really telling Diego my plans. I did not know that was important, i was just enjoying my freedom doing what I liked coming and going as I pleased not having to answer to anyone. I did not do that on purpose I’m just not used to telling someone my plans as I do not see the point as it always changes anyway. I did offer Diego to come with me but he always declined and when Diego said no there was no talking him into doing anything he did not want to do. He would not do things to please anyone. I wanted to stay busy and productive but enjoy my company as well.  Eo came out to see me after all and I felt responsible for him, I promised his mother I would take care of him. When Eo and me decided to spend some days not doing anything and just chilling at Diego’s place. We would spend most of our time having conversations with Diego. We would talk for hours and hours about anything and everything many debates, friendly arguments and lots of verbal jousting on my views and his views. Eo would just watch it all very amused with our banter. His accent was very amusing to us, most of the time funny and Eo would often do impressions of him. At first I would get very upset with Diego he seemed to be negative a cynic jaded towards humanity, no hope for them, but he did want hope for humanity and he kept challenging me to give him a real honest good examples or find him someone who is not confused. But every suggestion was thwarted by cold hard facts that I refused to admit, I just could not see what he saw (little did I know that I would soon see what he saw, and it was so shocking that it shook me to my core but I am getting ahead of myself.) At that time I was just the opposite, of him, I would state my case why he was wrong to which he would give me yet another perspective and way to think not just one but various ways. I chose to be stubborn, still holding firm. Ah he was so annoying and frustrating but every now and then I would say something that I thought I verbally check mated him or so I thought, as he would go silent and with a slight grin. I felt bad for him I thought he would learn someday perhaps he would meet a nice girl that would change him as love can un-jade people right?

He would silently observe me with a paper and pen writing down something what I thought were notes or something, he seemed to be very curious about me.  I would try to talk to him about Eo and he would say I’m not interested in him I’m interested in you. I always hear this from guys and I found it annoying but little did I know it was not at all what I thought though I see i had to go through all the phases to find out exactly what he meant by that. Diego was just so peculiar and lived in a world all his own. I could not imagine him ever having a girlfriend. Diego constantly blew me and Eo away with his knowledge/perspective/perception/understanding/gentleness, he seemed to know about everything, there was nothing he seemed to not know and he shared so freely openly scientifically, psychologically, poetically, emotionally in such a sincere, integral innocent but firm way every time. He was very generous and considerate of all life forms, big and small physical and non.

I remember thinking how could he possibly know all these things? His life was completely ordinary in that nothing significant happened to change him like most people, saying they had some awakening or trigger or something like that. He does not read books or study anything, never watched TV or read on the web either. So where is it all coming from? Its not humanly possible to know and express all the things he did, no one I had ever met came close to knowing and sharing what Diego shared with us, not even Andrew Basiago time travel child. I kept asking how Diego could possibly know this, if he did not read, or study at all, it was like he had access to another internet that he could download in an instant in staggering detail, dates, names places, articulate on a micro macro level all shared in a funny accent. He seemed like he lived 1000’s of years of full conscious full memory but not suffering emotionally of all the trauma that was endured through history, but observing understanding the historical patterns clearly and precisely. Everything mystical that human have experienced or animals/nature/ ETs can do he had a science and math equation that seemed to come out of nowhere, he could write it down to no problem. He could explain tesla and Davinchi technology on any terms or preferred background you would like. It was like talking to Anastasia in person, or how it must have been for Vladimir. When I would ask him how he knew all this, he would smile that knowing smile of his and say. “Its public domain.” “No I would argue no one talks or comprehends like this but they all try to access such a fountain of understanding.” “It is public domain he said, there is nothing special about me anyone can do this, and know this, its available to everyone but people are too busy in their minds lost to their drama identities beliefs hopes archetypes too distracted searching to ever see what is there in front of them.” “No I said if that were true some others would be able to do the same that’s not the case with everyone.” I challenged again.  “It is because people are too confused and in fear they are not alive or awake especially the ones who think they are awakening or awake.”  “No I said its not true.” He continued on “Too much fake is in the way, most people are not themselves and will never be themselves they search and fight for ideas of themselves but its not them this gets in the way of their public domain access.” “Do you mean the akashic records?” I asked struggling to find something familiar this public domain. He asked “what’s that?” I explained it to him and he laughed. saying “What a primitive feeble attempt of modern spirituality scam to explain thus. We are technology,” he said. “Yes I said, I know, I share that often in my videos and poems.” “So how come you talk about soul archeology but not inquire deeper on soul technology? If I send you a video by email where is the video exactly? Can we see it move through the air the either?  Can you feel it before you get it? Can you decode it and what’s behind it like your computer can? And what does it mean exactly what is it exactly? If we do not have a computer to do such then people say its magic or something but its not its natural. We invented computers/internet right? Or did nature already invent it? How come we do not realize what we make and invent we first can do on our own? It’s because of fear and a fragmented mind, which is what has been nurtured our whole life since we were born. The way the public education system of schools works is exactly like MK ultra trauma and hive mind. The trauma being in fear of being judged and humiliated or not being good enough, all the time, being forced to pick a group an identity and then have the school subject taught separately by an authority fear based way.. what do you call that exactly?   It must all be taught together not individually. So many things we are not seeing. We judge we read about Mk ultra but refuse to see how its being done to us in the most subtle ways imaginable indirectly then we do it to ourselves. So how many things are we not seeing? Are you sure you see things with your eyes or maybe through your brain? Are you seeing the world as it is or how you are with all the things that we do not want to see? We do not even know what thoughts are; sure we know they are energy but what kind of energy? It’s radiation energy. What’s inside of a thought? How do thoughts work exactly? And deeper and deeper he would go to make his point.

Yes Diego wears black everyday the same clothes pretty much everyday how he handles the heat in that attire I do not know I sure know I could not do it. When asked why he wears black all the time. He just said I like it. I have been dressing this way since I was 15 years old before the matrix movie came out so that abolishes that theory that he stole this look from the matrix maybe they stole it from him? Sure he said I get lots of flack for wearing this I get accused of all kind of things cause I wear black but I am not changing for anyone. I had to admire his determination to be himself and do what he felt no matter what the world said and tried to make him feel about it. When I asked him what he thought what the world thought of him and his unique Diego ways he said why should I care? Another good point. In pondering more on this I thought about Einstein how he only wore one outfit to he decided to do this after he realized how much brain cells he wasted on what to wear he then went to the store and picked out one outfit and bought all the duplicates of that outfit. I then decided to ask him why he put up pictures with yellow eyes? And he responded with. “Suppose a kid was born with yellow eyes? Imagine how hard his life would be all the judgment he would receive? This world is obsessed with maintaining the normal and nature keeps making an attempt for something new something to push people out of their comfortable normal boxes. If they say its evil I say are you racist? and of course the person says no I am not but if they have a problem with something different that is what they are racist and they do not think why they are upset with these pictures. They just judge and that’s it hold onto it for the rest of their life. I have to admit, at first I did not feel comfortable with the pictures cause I was not able to understand why he felt the need to make unsettling images. But I was open to finding out why. As for thinking of him as evil I never really believed in it as most people do. To me it was always backwards way of living, I did many videos and talks on that subject as well. Diego continued on “what we think is evil is really a misunderstanding and lack of communication, are snakes evil? No they are just predators, that’s how they are made to be. To me though anyone who says something is evil that tells me two things they are in fear and totally ignorant, people who say such do not think and are afraid to think; to them thinking is evil. Real evil is someone who calls something evil with out bothering to understand what it really is or taking responsibility. If anything they are the ones that are evil they are the ones that are a conspiracy of/to/by themselves. They do not know what evil is. Apparently knowing a-days to think or question is evil.  I like to make people think in as many ways as I can to get them to use the wholeness of their mind not fragments here and there. The people who seem to have a problem with my pictures and call me evil because my pictures are unique, these are the very same people who are the very ones who love horror and violent movies. My pictures have not one drop of blood in them actually the color that is most used is green its nature, many birds insects and reptiles have yellow eyes. There is no evil in nature it’s a man manufactured invention. My pictures are specifically to stimulate the mind to think past their conditionings of what they are told to think about something rather then actually look and think deeper and more profound. “

From what I have personally witness is people who are willing to consider this and ponder past these ideas and their beliefs, who are willing to be honest not fake or hide or play any tricky games have an incredible experience with Diego the ones that do not either run away screaming or leave silently never to visit again and totally pretending they do not know him if they bump into him on the street. He struggles to understand this strange human behavior. The people that know him and are his friends have nothing but good things to say about him. He goes out of his way to help single mothers be it either to make Halloween costumes for their kids that are super imaginative and creative (Diego’s creativity is something else all together as well. I onetime saw he made an alien bird costume out of a bike helmet and feather duster mop for example.) I have seen him go to the store to pick up feminine hygiene products for friends in need. When I saw he had no problem doing that I asked him to get me some to when he went to the store I chose the brightest pink pack I could as I thought it was the most funniest contrast for a man all in black.  Then I saw Diego’s couch surfing guest book it was a thick book full of glowing reviews and what’s this he had a girlfriend what must have that been like? What was she like? More on this later.  Diego had hosted over 400 people in the 3 years he lived in bali and it was through coach surfing that he learned English as when he first came to bali he could not speak a word of English. When we met he only learned English two years ago, and there I was always speaking at lightning speed. There he was saying the most profound deep scientific things struggling with his accent and trying to find the right words. I did my best to take him seriously but when I heard him say F-eye-secks instead of physics, his pronunciation of the letter (i) was always pronounced with an (e) So I am from Eeetally, I’m eeetchy, instead of itchy, he would say shientifical rather then scientifical which is not even a real word but he likes to make up his own words, I could not tell if he was saying he was hungry or angry, he never said clothes he referred to them instead as dress, for example I like to wear black dresses and so our deep conversations were often interrupted with laughter as we struggled to communicate. But in truth his English was so much better then mine some of the questions on English grammar he asked me I did not even know, and reading his writing he used so many words I had never heard of before. That’s not bad at all for someone who just learned English two years ago I cannot even speak one sentence in Italian.

Chapter 16 Dangerous Beauty

When I found out Diego was from Venice Italy I was intrigued, yes the world tends to have this romantic idea about Venice Italy but its nice only for tourists not if you live their I got a crash course information in how bad/insane/expensive Italy is getting and what he shared pretty much turned me off of ever wanting to go there.  Its not a good idea to be in a western country at this time as everything is collapsing it must. He left Italy cause he asked himself do I really have to live my whole life this way struggling to get by, it makes no sense its not life, he wanted to be away from all that somewhere that was peaceful. Also Diego is not really Italian as far as I have seen he does not fit the bill of the stereotypes, for one he is not violent or into the pope or mafia at all. Yes he talks with his hands but so do I so I know that my hands are Italian. Only really Italian ways/clichés I have seen about him is that he likes, wine, cheese and pizza on the occasion pasta but its mostly too heavy for him. He hated having to be expected to eat huge amounts of food all the time, he eats very little and ever so delicately like a princess bird while I eat like Homer Simpson. Though he says that pizza and pasta is not actually Italian it comes from china originally the noodles were made out of rice then the Italians made the noodles out of corn actually well that’s interesting, who knew that? But man does this guy like his cheese I never seen anything like it before. His favorite is rockfort blue cheese, which to me is just disgusting, to it smells and tastes like 100 year old socks and 1000 farts. (I remember thinking at that time mental note don’t kiss this guy) He also loves his pizza so far he has ordered it every night for the last 3 years, mama mia that’s a lota pizza. It took him two years to train the Balinese to get the order right though it’s the simplest order ever they still manage to make a mistake, if you repeat the order thinking they did not hear you, you may end up with 2, or 3 pizzas delivered to you. Its amazing how they can always find a way to mess up the order.  Anyway I was intrigued that he was from Venice Italy because at that time my favorite movie was Dangerous Beauty and I wanted him to see it cause he had not seen it and I wanted to ask him something about it. I like this movie cause it is really well done, good actors, good writing, beautifully shot very intelligent not cause there are super steamy sex scenes which was awkward showing him the movie when those parts came up I blushed and looked away to indicate to Diego I’m not hinting at anything here. Nor is it the romance of this movie that really makes me like this movie but the way the movie indicates the insanity of the church, religion and God of the holy inquisition at that time, it seemed people knew it was insane especially in Venice. It also made me think about being conscious in a time like that how many had burned because they were different or because they used their mind when others did not, or cause they were sensitive or just simply ahead of their time. So many inventors from Italy that have revolutionized the world always seemed to be up against opposition of stupidity. I just was so fascinated granted this lead character was lucky its based on true story that she did in fact survive in this way and she was honest the whole way which is no easy task especially in that time. Me and Diego shared the same views on god and religion the only difference is he had the courage to say it publicly with out fear and I did not. I was always nervous of religious fanatics I mean how many have cried and died even had their mind destroyed cause of such beliefs whether you believed or not. He made it clearer how holding such beliefs even subtly unconsciously was an act of violence and irresponsibility. (More on this in the next blog.)

Chapter 17 Bali Does not Care About Time and Schedules

Another thing about Diego was/is he always looking out for me and Eo anticipating all our basic needs, open to drive us where ever we needed to go, and he was/is easily approachable and willing to talk about anything to anyone who is willing to understand nothing was too out there or taboo for him. However most everything you ask him he always manages to bring it back to the thing we need to pay attention to first and for-most and that is our psychological inner fears and confusions. He seemed to be in communication with everything talking to the trees the ants and suggesting us things to ponder on.  But it was hard to contemplate the things Diego was trying to convey as my mind and emotions were very busy and in so much turmoil, anguish and frustration everything seemed to not be working out going too slow and I was running out of time I still had to set up this work shop and Taz kept sending me more soft-wear to look up and learn I was getting overwhelmed and annoyed with the energy of Bali which Eo found as well. It’s like a tsunami of lethargy this place makes you so lazy its too hot to do anything and then you feel bad for not getting anything done. But that just goes to show how conditioned we are that we need to be busy and do something otherwise we are losers who wasted our time, its not ok to just be and go with the flow that bali has.  Bali does not give a damn about your plans or schedules. Some people cannot handle this and they end up going either bored or crazy because of it. I tried to do some meditations and yoga to help me be more zen but it did not work, I was getting desperate as meditation was not something that ever interested me before. Was a searching for a solution in meditation? Was I that disconnected from myself? Was I still so messed up from my ex boyfriend gus even after 6 months of traveling and being far far away from him? What could I do to break this pattern and fully free myself from the ghost of my ex who frequently haunted me?

Chapter 18 Fractal Binary Code Psychological Analysis Map

At night Diego would still be curious about my body and wanted to resume what ever he was doing last time but I decided I was not going to be at the mercy of men putting up with them I would be firm this time. And I told him no more can you touch me even though it was not sexual I just did not feel comfortable to which he responded “why is it some nights your ok with it and other nights not, could you draw me up a note of which days are ok with you and when its not?” I was not sure what to make of this. Was he really that innocent? It was so unexpected that he said something like that that I could not help but laugh out loud. It was actually pretty funny I mean who says something like that? I tried to explain to him though I was not sure if he got it or if he was alluding to something else that I was not aware of? I don’t get you I said you seem to be so different but then in the night your just like all guys, why do you want to touch me? His response was “you do not understand I do not want to touch you for what you think, its not that at all, but interesting that you always think that. I am actually touching you to get information.” “What I said wow if I have ever heard a line or a story from a guy before this was the mother of all, what does that mean? You expect me to believe that?” But he then rolled over and went to sleep or so I thought leaving me to further ponder what he said.  The next morning I woke up very late Bali makes me so tired i was sleeping so much at that time when I finally woke up he told me that I had was very different when I was sleeping so he had two different relationships with me in his observations my sleeping and waking self were completely different. Your very clear when your sleeping you are precise you know what you have to do and you do it. In waking life you get a bit of information from what you accumulated from all the places you go while your asleep but its not enough and so you’re not as clear and very distracted and confused. Here he said I drew a map and language of your fractal dream sleeping self, and also your psychological analysis. I looked at the paper and I was dumb struck, it seemed to be some strange language alien in some way and hieroglyphic mixed with Mayan, Aramaic, binary code, and of course mathematics there were strange patterns shapes patterns and numbers I had never seen anything like it. It’s an equation he said, I have been doing these since I was 7 years old. So that’s what you have been drawing all this time. I could not stop staring at it I kept it by my bed and under my pillow till the paper started to get wrecked so he took it and I never saw it since. Diego continued to share with me such fascinating things, and I asked him all kinds of questions some he would respond with as “classified” which I now know means I had to dismantle a certain amount before I could understand otherwise I could take it the wrong way and manipulate myself with such information, which is something he tried to avoid at all costs, he was not scared about this just cautious there is a difference.

If Diego was not human I would not surprised at all, I just wanted him to be himself freely, if he was a different form that’s fine, if he actually had yellow eyes I would not mind either, its sick in this world that we have to hide anything different about us tying that idea to being different somehow makes you less humane when really it seems its just the opposite.

Chapter 19 Double Booked

As the days went by it was soon time to go back to Wolfs place to keep my promise to play chess with the Lord from England but it just so happened to be the same weekend of my workshop with Losita, which was the whole reason I came to Asia and even Bali. I came to set up the workshop for us and go. Diego helped me make flyers put them up around town he knew all the places to go. But no one replied to the flyers, I think it was too last minute and the flyers may not have been appealing to the public as Diego added his own unique personal flare that is not necessarily publicly appealing. Losita was a good sport about it that when I told her that the workshop is not going to happen. Being laid back like she was, she said ok no problem we will just have a little visit/vacation.  She had booked it that she would only be in Bali for 4 days, she had some people with her a girl from the Singapore and Malaysia workshop and Gizmo from Australia. (Refer to Australian blog to know about gizmo in short we flirted, he wanted something to happen but I did not and then realized it was not wise this person was not right for me at all but he would not give up after I tried to explain this to him, he tried staying in contact with me as I traveled around though I did my best to keep my distance and now here he was coming to Bali.. surprise) shizer, I mean I remember him saying he was considering it but I did not think he would actually come, now what? Introduce them all to Diego that would be interesting. Or bring them all to meet Wolf?  When I got back to Diego’s I was still struggling about the promise I made to Wolf.

Chapter 20 A Paradigm Shift from Diego

As soon as I came back cue in Diego he came down for his cigarette break, but it was as if he sensed my decision had been made. “Still struggling he asked in a nonchalant manor?” “Yes I said. Hey what gives how come you never struggle? How come you don’t get angry? How come you always know what to do and what to say?” “Because he said I’m not confused.” “You must think I’m stupid?” “No I think your confused, your not stupid because your willing to understand and think deeper on things, no matter how hard it is or how much it upsets you that’s not a sign of stupidity to me.”   “I’m not, I was always told I was stupid, ok according to you I am not but instead I am confused?” I said. “Yes very much so he said, In what way? I asked and I went on to say listen your not being very helpful if your just going to point out how messed up I am right now rather then help me figure out what to do?” “I’m not going to tell you what to do he said instead I want to ask you one question.” “Why do you want to go back to Wolfs place?” “Because I said I made a promise.” “That’s not a good enough reason are you a slave to your promises? Afraid to let others down and live with the guilt of that to which you will punish yourself for? Do you not see when you make a promise to a person like him it’s a form of manipulation that he gets you to do to yourself? What about the promises you made to yourself? Why are you prostituting yourself for him?” “What do you mean I am not doing that how dare you.”  He replied with, “Yes you are your going to see him and you struggle cause it does not feel comfortable and its against your will. Your doing it cause you feel you have to but you don’t that’s prostitution, your sacrificing yourself for this. And for what?” “You do not understand I said you do not have a mission or thousands of people watching/ depending on you to help them.” “Ah so you your saying your mission is to sacrifice yourself put yourself in situations of unpleasantness for others benefit he inquired?” I said, “In some ways yes, I will do what ever I can with in my moral code to help others. You may not see people the way I do, you may not see their potential, their hearts their beauty, but I do, I do not see them all messed up as you do.” “But Jess what about your potential? What about your freedom and clarity? Do you think yourself to be a martyr? Is that what you really want, are you sure?” “Well yes I will sacrifice myself for them if need be” I said. “And that’s why you struggle he said answering my first question.  Did you not just sacrifice yourself for the last 3 years with your ex for your family’s sake? And was it worth it? What do you have to show for it, even if it worked out the case with your missing brother you still would be feeling stuck cause you would have lost something else. No. You did it cause you thought you had to for your mission and for others sake and cause your guides told you to right? Your at the mercy of your mission is that what you want to be forever controlled by it? Are you here to be controlled by your guides your mission really? Do you see a squirrel struggling over the same things? Do you think your mission has your best intentions in mind or even necessary really, even if it means you are to be a martyr? A martyr means to die for what you believe in, remember beliefs are lies, are you sure you want to die for a lie, are your beliefs worth it? Are they yours or someone else’s idea? There to give you some purpose some justification some identity to live with yourself to feel validated but it fake is it worth it? to die for something that is not really you? How can you help others if you cannot help yourself? How can you expect others to be integral and not struggling if you are? How is that an example?  As what you do to yourself are you not unconsciously mirroring that to your followers, promoting for them to do and be the same? Then they to in some ways are being sacrificed and feel that to do the same with their mission, so to be just like you, how responsible is that? Are you ok with all your followers and kids being martyrs to? Is that really what we are meant to do? Is that what you want? Because so many have this mentality and it’s seen as noble and just that is how we unconsciously give permission to the illuminati to sacrifice people. Can you see it now unconsciously what you’re doing and saying, how dangerous it is? Do you want people to be stuck and psychologically abused going through what you went through? How crazy/confused and dangerous it is? All in the name of spirituality, consciousness the shift are these people really spiritual or just hiding behind it and using it to get away with what ever they want such as Wolf for example? Did you feel comfortable around him and his people? Is that the shift and signs of human awakening or are they just deluding themselves? My jaw dropped I could not say a thing. He was absolutely right what the heck was I doing going back there?  Diego continued speaking I sees the way he treats you like his property that he owns and how he talks down to you all the time, just like your ex, and after all that has happened that wolf has said and did how were you surprised when that night he tricked you to sleeping in his bed, then showed up later naked trying to have his way with you, but you resisted and were successful one way but not another cause you still put up with it, you still would go back? “What? How could you possibly know about that? I did not tell you that I blurted out. I did not tell anyone.” “It does not matter I know” he said. “But how I said?  He made a small smile “Do you really think that stone I gave you was just a stone, its not? It’s a kryton I told you that, did you not think I was not telling you the truth when I shared with you all the things that are here that I made are actually what I said they were?” “But how?” I said? Then got upset, “so was that stone that kryton a camera or something? I said is that how you knew? What you were spying on me” I said? I was completely aw struck what the… Who the heck is this guy? He threw me into so much contemplation and the more I inquired and realized what I was doing what was going on I started to get angry. I started to become aware of why I was attracting people like my ex to me constantly on this trip. Because of my idea/beliefs of what was expected of me from my mission, how everyone think they are a slave to their mission and have to put themselves in compromising dis-powering situations in order for the greater good so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. So far I was lucky but for how long? What is the greater good anyway another scam? How could I expect anyone to respect me if I was not respecting myself? I decided I was not going to keep my promise with Wolf instead I blew him off and decided to meet with Losita and Gizmo. (Note Wolf is not a bad person, Diego never put him down, he was just confused as well and this is the result of it not being addressed or contemplated with the totality of our mind. The reason I shared so much about my time with Wolf in detail as I feel others are in a similar situation similar kind of people and by sharing my pattern of confusion maybe others could see theirs as well in order to think about what they are doing and thus free themselves. After this conversation I have not seen Wolf since, I do miss the monkeys.)

Chapter 21 My Meeting with Losita and Gizmo

I brought Eo with me as we made plans to meet up at a restaurant Diego did not come as usual though I was now even more curious and entertaining the idea of what would happen if Diego met Losita and Gizmo, what would he read from them? I was thinking perhaps after our lunch I would bring them back to Diego’s place to meet him. Our reunion however, did not go as i expected it to go at all. Gizmo was being very cold and distant to me as if he was upset or had some expectations that he would romantically surprise me in Bali I would see how he was a changed man and then we would be together but since I hardly spoke  to him the last few months he decided to show up for the lunch meeting and totally ignore me. He did not try to flirt this time or persuade me, no instead he was ticked off with me that I cut ties with him but I had to as even Eo noticed he was acting very obsessive controlling forceful, wanting to talk to me constantly as often as he liked and not willing to understand when someone does that to me then arrivederci (Italian for good bye) I am gone. My tolerance with this is nil to non. And cause of this Gizmo was quite upset with me and wanted me to know it, by being a brat. I wondered did they really want to meet up with me or only doing it out of duty? When I went to meet them at lunch with Eo I tried to make plans Gizmo was like nope we are busy, nope we can not do that to anything I suggested. Gizmo was being a real pain good thing him and Eo and the other girl from Singapore decided to go for a walk to monkey forest that just left Losita and me together alone to talk. The first thing I brought up was “what the heck is up with Gizmo? Why would you bring him here if you knew he was going to play these games? How come Gizmo is being such a pain I asked her?” she said “oh he is becoming more enlightened.” “hardly” I said. She seemed to always be defending him as if he had become her new protégé. She said “he is not so bad he has so much potential, I really think you should give him another chance?” “Are you kidding me is that why you brought him here to set me up with him?” In my head I was trying to understand what was going on she knew he is not right for me, what was she saying? Was she upset with me to? Maybe I let her down and became a flake in her eyes? I could not even be counted on to get a workshop going on my own. I do not know what is going on here my mind was spinning, she was losing respect for me but I think I was losing respect for her to. I came back from my mind racing to hear her talking about her ideas and plans about some future workshops with Gizmo and all the countries we have potential bookings for. She listed off all these exotic countries. But I said I was not so sure about that now plus somehow I had to fit in Africa with Jess Shackleton, or was that an excuse? as I did not really see myself going out there either but still felt it as one of my options and the most tempting one at that. There was also talk and plans for me and Taz  we were considering to move somewhere else in Bali or Thailand that would be a good place to work out of and get our projects off the ground, at least I knew I was safe with him he had no crush on me or interest like that.  Then Losita went on to share with me all her latest spiritual experiences and insights but something had changed in me, try as I might I could not get myself to pay attention to anything she said. It used to interest me and excite me but not this time not at all.

We tried to talk about other things but for some reason every time she spoke I could not pay attention, I could not hear or understand what she said it suddenly stopped making sense, it had no merit or importance.

Was their something wrong with me or did Diegos words shake me to the core that I was having an unconscious existential paradigm shift? I was surprised at myself I tried again to really listen and understand her spiritual journey, downloads and shifts but instead I suddenly felt sleepy I could not stay awake I kept falling asleep as she spoke. It was odd what was going on?  I came to and I apologized again and said I’m sorry I guess I am sleepy or not feeling well I think I should go back and rest for a bit I will contact you the following day. Losita acted like she was ok with it but I do not think she was cause after our meeting I never really heard from her again Gizmo to they spent their days doing their own thing and left.

As I walked back I tried to make sense of what just happened? What was I going to do with them now that they were here? After such awkwardness do they really want to hang out with me again? If they did what do I do with them? I guess I felt bad for brining them out here for nothing. I also wanted them to meet diego but non of them wanted to meet him, making up strange reasons as to why they could not, they probably checked his facebook profile out and got weirded out well we know what that means know when people respond that way. Did I really want to scare them away even more so by meeting Diego? If they could not even handle the pictures  and posts and already were judging? But what is going on here I thought these people were conscious? But now it started to seem like fluff, they were still a mess lost in a cloud of illusions forever chasing after them, people who promoted them selves as awake and aware, he was right about that. It also seemed like what they were saying did not have enough stability depth or interest compared to what Diego was sharing. But wait a second I thought I did not agree with his views on light workers, but that did not matter I was started to see very slowly what he was getting at but it was happening unconsciously first and then consciously. (After that I event I have not seen or heard from Losita or Gizmo, they just disappeared from my life.)

Chapter 22 To Understand the Flower

It had been a month now staying at Diego’s place with Eo, I was always worried that we were imposing on him in some way but he said not at all it was a pleasure to him and we were welcome to stay as long as we wanted. He never asked us for money, or to do anything we did not want to do. We had total freedom no judgment and no expectations from him ever it felt great. He never made us feel bad about not doing anything productive with our time, never asked us to cook or clean he always took care of it silently peacefully, though he would also give us things to contemplate about to go deeper with in ourselves. If I would fall asleep on the hammock I would find myself sprinkled with my favorite plumaria flowers. Other times Diego would make plumaria flower pattern pictures on the table for me to wake up to find. If he would give me flowers I would give him flowers I thought, so I picked one from the tree and went up stairs to give it to him. I thought he would be touched by the offer but instead he said “please do not pick the flowers from the tree.”  “But I thought you did the same and how did you know?” No he said I found them on the ground the tree had dropped them.”  “Ok I said I will not pick them from the tree only if its on the ground. I was only trying to be sweet like you” I said, trying to give him a compliment and show my gratitude. “No I did not do it to be sweet or romantic I did it so you could understand the flower. If you care about something or someone like a flower for example you do not pick it or try to control it you let it be free, you let it be it self completely. Your natures to, just like the flower. When the mind is no longer busy, when get out of living in your thoughts and the past then you can tap into the wifi that all of nature knows so well. Then you will be able to see or rather observe of what you could not see before. Don’t worry you have time no rush.” I had no idea what to make of that statement.

Even though I felt free I still some how felt restless & would often disappear with Eo most of the days as I thought Diego was busy on his computer, his place was nice but  boring there was not much to do here, so me and Eo would go wonder around and hang out. The whole time while I was alone with Eo, I would talk to him about Diego. He was just so fascinated to us I have never met anyone like him. I shared all things that had transpired with Wolf and Losita and all the things Diego was sharing with me and all the things he did and how he functioned, he Eo listened to it all my silent witness. The guy was a total mystery wrapped inside an enigma. He was a really good guy. I told Eo how a few weeks ago I had made a note of the pros and cons of both Wolf and Diego as potential boyfriends for the heck of it, just to better understand what I think I want or what I think is good for me, and how I decided that both of them were not right for me but if I had to pick one I would pick Diego, hypothetically speaking of course. But to be with someone like Diego I was not really totally open as I felt something radical would have to happen as we still had very different views and goals in life. I’m sure the light workers would think I turned my back on them. Plus he smoked and I cannot stand cigarettes, and I was not attracted to him (at first though I sure liked his eyes, his smile those dimples and that beard and gentle nature), and he smelled too much like chemical hair spray to. As I talked to Eo about how me and Diego never would work Eo just sat there smiling as he was seeing already that I was falling for the guy, it was apparent to him but not to me, im always the last to know or admit it to myself it seems.

Chapter 23 All Life is Welcome

Then came the day where Diego told me he was going to Singapore for about 2 days, and the house was mine and Eo’s for the duration that he would be gone. I was moved by his kind gesture and his trust to stay in his place while he was away. Diego told me that every 3 months he does a visa run to Singapore and that place is like a hell to him it is completely and totally fake everything is about commercialism and status, technocratic, everyone is zombified by their iphones, there is nothing natural there except the botanical garden which is located in the center of the city which was his haven when he has to go there. He can not stand anything fake or commercial, fancy cars do not impress him, business corporate, or what the world thinks is successful, cool, conscious and sexy turns him totally off. It actually makes him physically ill, the guy can not stand anything and anyone fake it does not matter to him who you are what you have and what you look like if your fake then arevadarchi. He constantly points out how this is a mental disease to be into such things. It would be a hard trip on him it would drain him to be in such artificial energy and make him sick to be there where nature was very much controlled there and I had to agree as I felt the same thing when I was there. He was to leave for his flight at 5am so he would have to wake up at 2am and motorbike for an hour and a half into the city. I can not remember exactly what it was we were talking about that night in bed before he left but it was something were I was very emotional to the point that I was crying and kept him up pretty late which I felt even more awful about as I knew he needed a good nights rest so he would be able to do the drive on his bike to the airport but I could not help my emotions. He stayed up listening trying to comfort me though he was very tired. I think he only ended up getting 2 hours of sleep and I woke up with him to make sure he was ok and if I could help him with anything but he was fine he was totally sufficient there was nothing he needed from me nothing for me to do for him, which was and is kind of hard for me to get used to and accept. I hugged him and said “you come back safe ok?” I was worried that since I kept him up so late and he did not have much sleep that he was going to get into an accident and it would be all my fault. I worried about this the whole time he was away. Eo was not feeling very well; he was starting to get some nasty allergies due to Diego’s house being so dusty and filthy.

I have to admit I am not the cleanest person myself; I do not like to shower much just here and there. I am weirded out by the chemicals we use to clean ourselves as it does not seem natural to me no animal cares about this. Dirt is a more cleaner then cleaning product actually. I rarely wash my hands, my hair is always a mess, I do not care if my clothes are filthy they always are, my room was always a mess to, every were I go I left a mess or chip trail, some people recall my video of me packing I just basically throw everything in any how at all and then sit on the bag until I can close it. My mom would always joke and say if she ever become rich she is going to hire a maid just to follow me around and clean up after my mess. It was nice that Diego actually appreciated my mess to him it was some kind of art, and never gave me a hard time about it, like my ex gus always did. Diego was also very particular about why I wanted to do the dishes he always knew if I was doing it cause I thought I was a woman I had to or if I wanted to do them cause I thought I owed him something, both of these reasons bothered him, “you do not owe me anything and also just cause you’re a woman your not expected to do the dishes. Woman have been suppressed throughout history cause of this, your not a slave” he said. He was very emotional about this seeing the unconscious brainwashing in woman and was quick to destroy that kind of thinking conscious and unconscious right away.

So anyway as I was saying, yes, I am not so clean but even I have my limits Diego was way worse then me.  The mold in his house is life to him it has a right to be there as much as we did. All dirt and mess to him was life. Animals of all kinds were welcome in his house, to him it was not his house it was a space he was sharing with nature. So we had all kinds of guests everything from cockroaches, spiders, ants, hornets making a hive on my suite case, birds, snakes, beetles frogs, tons of lizards, dragons in the bathtub, spirits, chickens, giant bats, wild cats and dogs always came for visits and Diego always fed them. They were all his friends. He made a point to feed all the visitors in the house purposely spilling red wine so the ants could enjoy but then get drunk and crash into each other.  He would never throw out any food even egg shells he always put it in the bushes saying “there is always some bug that will enjoy this” so I learned to do the same even the peals from produce foods went out in the jungle, though I often used lime and its peals for under my armpits as a natural deodorant it worked really well. One time I forgot to throw the peals in the jungle and left them on the counter and Diego being the strange one he is apparently loves to eat lime peals no sooner did he finish eating them I asked “what happened to the peals?” he was like “oh I’m sorry I thought they were for me.” And I told him what I used that piece of lime for he did not seem to care at all.  At a certain time of the night if it rained and the light was on we would have blizzard of thousands of retarded insects that would flock to the light and just crash into each other lose their wings and get eaten. Diego said it was like christmas for the geckos. The bathroom was just full of ants, there are these little red aggressive ants that would always bite me every time I went to the toilet so I had to do yoga postures when I had to use the toilet just to avoid them but they still got me. I was most annoyed with this but Diego said “give it time they are just getting to know you they will leave in a bit anyway they are almost done their thing.” Also he would not let me kill any of the mosquitos they had a right to do their thing to. I could brush them away lightly, or learn to communicate with them. I was amazed with how quick the reflex was to kill them. But then I came up with an idea I would catch them in the air and shake them in my hands then let them free and they flew as if they were drunk as if they were pretty discombobulated no longer interested in dining on me. The mosquitos never bit Diego I suspected it was cause he smoked or cause they were his friends to. One time I made a horrible decision to smell his socks I guess I was not thinking, I was just trying to decide about laundry what is clean and what is not, I do not know where my brain was at the time cause that was not wise decision at all  I swear I almost passed out and could see through time. You could not pay me enough to do that ever again. Not to mention one time I looked in his dresser of socks only to find maggots making a home in there I closed the drawer that was a bit too much for me though it did make me think of Davinchi he was said to be so filthy that he had huge amounts of dirt in his boots that he never liked to remove them, their was even a plant growing out of his boot somehow and that plant was perfectly happy somehow getting all it needed to grow happy and strong so maybe this is a sign of genius I do not know. But anyway back to Diego’s messy house.

I was still beside myself with worry for him I was not sure what to do with myself so I did something that is extremely extremely rare for me to do. No one could ever make me do it my mom gave up trying to get me to do it a long time ago. My ex expected me to do it and I would do it cause of fear nervousness and anxiety but it was not a natural desire like this was. I went to the market picked up the broom, dustpan, mop, and sponges and beer. I started to go on a cleaning frenzy, and I was very detailed about it I cleaned all his empty bottles underneath the sink, random containers and every nook and cranny. I washed every dish in sight even the pots and pans that seemed to be there for ages. Eo knew that I never clean and so he was amazed watching me go like a machine non-stop. He said “wow look at you cleaning your mom would never believe it she would think you have a fever or something. You must really like him.” “What? No Eo its not like that, im just uhm I do not know I just want to do something for him” I muttered off talking to myself under my breath. I put the beer in the fridge, as I knew that Diego liked beer every night he drank a bottle and a half and a whole bottle of wine but never got drunk off of it. I only had a few sips or less then a glass and I was done for the night. After cleaning up a storm and organizing everything the best I can in my own way as I am organized impaired. I only stopped cleaning cause when I moved his dish rack a big spider named Harold came out and I freaked out and said “ok im going to have a little break.” I waited expecting Diego to come back but he didn’t and I was so worried I stayed up all night thinking what could have happened to him. I heard a noise and I looked up and I could have sworn I saw his shadow but Diego himself was no where in sight it was not till early morning the next day that Diego came up the stairs I was so relieved I ran into his arms and gave him a big hug “oh thank goodness your ok I said. Was everything ok? Did your trip go well? You’re not hurt are you? Are you drained from the energies of Singapore?” “Yes yes I’m fine he said as he went into his house to put down the bags he came out right away saying what the heck happened to my house did you clean it?” “Yes I said now Diego is an observer and does not seem to miss a thing. You cleaned inside my fridge and stove even underneath everything you did not have to do that?” He knew it was a big gesture on my part. “Yes well Eo was getting sick cause of it I said their was mold on the walls he was coughing and wheezing I had to clean” I said. “Ok he said well please do not think you have to always clean my place your not my or any-ones maid. I can get someone to clean it no problem it will cost me a bit but at least you guys will be more comfortable.” He was acting like our comfort was important to him that is something someone does when a person is paying them to stay there but we were not paying him anything he did not want anything anyway. It was not like he was rich either, he did not have much money either but he would not let money rule him or what he did. I was impressed with this, and after he came back from Singapore we ended up becoming more close.

Chapter 24 Little Miss Muffett

Sat on tuffet (toilet) contemplating her words and how they sway then along came a spider that was always seemed to want to be beside her and frightened Miss Muffett away until one day she said fuck it im tired of this spider fear and wanted to understand it so as to be free from it. That is exactly what happened one night while I went to the bathroom I saw a huge spider on the floor I was so scared I called for Diego. I did not know it at the time but Diego told Eo I bet she is screaming about the spider in the bathroom. I was so scared I started crying and telling Diego that I can not go to the bathroom until this spider named Harold, has left or removed not killed then I proceeded to tell him all the reasons I was scared of spider and how it could jump on my face and bite me. Diego said “oh this spider is not so bad he is my friend look.” He put his hand right near the spider pointing at it and talking to it then he was able to touch it and it did not move at all as if it were frozen or something. “Can you trust me Jess when I say that no spider will ever bite you in this house, now come on touch it I have asked it to stay still and not leave until you touch it.” I was petrified I could not believe he was asking me to do such a thing I begged to be let go from doing this but he was firm and said “touch the spider.” I would move a bit closer to it then freak out and move away I yelled I screamed and moved back and forth crying close then far away. This went on for about 40 minutes until I finally touched it lightly on the leg and it moved so quickly I screamed and ran out of the bathroom so fast that I knocked poor Eo’s hand into the door very hard.  I was not really proud of myself for touching the spider, I was more upset with myself and how I acted cause I was in fear. I remembered a time about 5 years ago were I did not have this much of a fearful relationship with spiders. I could speak with them no problem and they listened very good to me so what exactly happened? How could I fall so far away from myself? I did not know that if one works on their fear and makes it to about 80% not scared anymore but does not continue to work on and understand the fear totally and often enough that if you let it slide then you will undo your progress and pretty much have to start all over again. I was so distracted with my life and all the attention I got that I neglected most of my inner work, I had no time for it. As for Diego making me touch the spider well wow most guys do not say that they usually say I will protect you then they kill it or remove it from the ladies presence, feeling proud of themselves thinking they will get a kiss for sure for this. But if the man or anyone protects you from your fears by killing or moving it away from your presence then technically the fear is still there. Out of sight out mind not really it lingers and haunts the unconscious, the memories are enough to haunt. So the fear is still there it’s just gone temporarily like how pharmaceutical drugs work always addressing the symptom and not the root. Could a man protect you not from the spider, which is not really your fear but the ideas in your head of the spider, which are also not true? How can someone protect you from your mind? To do such would enable the person and would surely be a disservice. It would eventually lead to the internal fear making anyone close to you into a reason to fear him or her as well or fear their safety until the relationship is destroyed by inner psychological fear. Diego did the right thing by helping me face and understand my fear, but that’s not enough he said you must also communicate with it. “See how and why you fear what you do, why it’s a lie you convince yourself is true otherwise you will never be free from existential fears. Which is where all fear comes from, and most fears are a lie and are not to be taken seriously. If you can go deeper and be honest with yourself and see the house of lies you have been harboring when it comes to your fears then you can finally free yourself of those fears. Do not tell me your one of those people who believes we are all one, but not with spiders they are not separate from us they represent our unconscious mind and the unpredictable. When we have a fear of something that is natural in nature then that is a sign of a mental illness to Diego, such as people who are afraid of germs for example. It’s a sign that something is very wrong in them psychotically and totally out of balance a warning sign its up to us how we choose to respond to it, the more extreme and OCD we are with the fears the worse it gets and that determines the fate of our mental state. To accomplish such takes time its not an overnight fix it needs constant attention observation with out judgment and comparison to learn your fear patterns, to break them once and for all. I had only taken a step in that direction I still had lots more work to do and it was not just with and about spiders but it was an internal spider web connecting all my fears in my life together even some that I was not aware of that must be uprooted. By doing what I would call soul archeology followed by what he does which is what he happens to call soul technology.

The next time I saw a spider it was when I was walking back to Diego’s place late at night at the entrance where everyone parks their bike on the door their was the biggest spider I have ever seen in person the size of my whole hand and I have huge hands. This spider also underneath her was carrying a huge sack of eggs so she was more likely to be aggressive and protective cause of this. I knew this was a chance to face my fear on my own and just walk through the door with out worrying the spider would jump on me, but I just could not instead I looked for something I could lightly brush it with to make it go away but it would not move, if this was my test I was sure failing it. Finally it started to move and I ran through the door super fast and tried to compose myself acting all cool and that I did not just get freaked by giant spider named Sally and sat i on the bed, I acted like I was all calm inside but Diego knew something was up he always knew, even days before I knew. So I explained to him what had happened how I am not cured of my fear at all and… and… I was getting chocked up. Oh yes, that spider, was not real it was a hologram projection created for you to show you something about your fears. But I did not really hear or comprehend what he said, or if he himself conjured up the hologram or asked the fat spider to wait for me to teach me something. My mind was still lost to the moment of when I was with that spider. I could not speak I burst into tears and got very upset with myself. I am a lost cause a failure and all those things. I wanted so badly to be the girl that I could see just out of reach of me that was in that moment facing the fear but not being afraid and walking through that door no problem but instead I am a coward and no good. Diego was like is that why you’re crying? So it has nothing to do with the spider but what kind of thoughts it triggers from you? Why do you compare your self with your ideals/ideas? You may think it’s for your growth but in this way it seems to be working against you making you fall apart. Why do that to yourself? What is more scary the spider or relationship with your fear of the spider? That if you do not overcome it or do free yourself of it then you beat yourself up? So the real fear is not the spider but that you can not control the spider or yourself and to want to have control is totally unnatural, anytime anyone seeks to control anything it never turns out well. Its not their fault I know people are conditioned to be this way. But its not about control at all its about understanding yourself otherwise you always fight. Then you’re exhausted and ashamed then numb with yourself, all of that acts as a distraction so you can not see what is really going on behind the scenes of fear. Then you try to forget but it comes up again in another way and so the pattern always goes until we understand.” I could not argue he was right again and this pattern would be a recurring theme with other fears I had but it was not just the case for me but for all others historically as well. This was a classic pattern of fear that I would soon understand all to well. I should also add it took me days to get over this particular spider experience relieving the fear and failure over and over again.

Another time while we were watching a movie a large spider showed up on the bed Diego said careful they are delicate fragile things” and carefully moved it away. But I was a bit shocked for some reason I wanted to maintain a delusion that the spiders do not come upstairs or on our bed. We do not like to think about spiders crawling on us while we sleep there are something’s we try to not think about and do what we can to avoid. Diego said “you know it’s a funny thing how people who are so afraid of spiders they stop being afraid of them after one bites them but with dogs its not the case people are afraid of dogs all dogs after that. Why do you think that is?”

The Next spider encounter, we were both in the kitchen when another brown hairy jumping spider entered our view, his name was Hatty. I reluctantly pushed myself closer but my body tensed up. I was determined to catch myself in the pattern I did not want my fear this have me miss out on a possible opportunity to understand. Diego said “this one is my friend he is a boy and he often comes to visit.” “How do you know he is a boy?” “I asked. I just know I he said I see. Hold on he is a bit nervous he knows you’re not comfortable with him. I am going to reassure him that he is safe with us.” Diego then put his finger out that acted like an energy beam that calmed down the spider to the point that Diego could pet it like a dog and it stayed still it did not run or seem to mind at all in fact it enjoyed the petting and moved its body indicating it wanted more. It was amazing it really was acting just like a dog. “Here Jess he said now you try petting him a bit” and I did, the spider was fury and I got up really close seeing its face with its many eyes and sharp pincers in the front, it actually was kind of cute and beautiful.

Last Spider encounter, the thing about spiders is they represent the unpredictable you just never know when they will show up. One day while Diego was at the market I went to the bathroom only to see a large spider named Gordon. Its amazing how we tend to relate back to our old patterns of fear run scream freak out but no not this time. I stared to speak to myself build my relationship with myself as diego suggested, you have no excuse jess, your staying with a fear expert, Ok there is spider jess prepare yourself remember all you know now about yourself, spiders, your fear and Diego. Ok what would Diego do? He would observe assess the situation, look for opportunities to understand and make communication. Ok yes I can do that. And I’m observing, observing and observing I notice that this spider is particularly afraid. I can feel its energy it is so very nervous maybe more then me. Also try to detach from your identity jess. Fear makes you blind, don’t let it make you blind, what do you see? Its nervous, Ok why is it nervous? And I’m observing and I see that this spider is missing some legs. Ok Diego always gets nervous for spiders in the bathroom he says its dangerous for them why is it a dangerous place for them? because there is always tokay giant blue geckos with red or yellow pok-a dots that live in the bathroom and these spiders are most tasty to them. I look up and sure enough there was two tokay geckos eyeing the spider waiting for me to leave to finish it off. The fear started to leave me, and in its place was empathy and concern, I wanted to save this spider who had already been through so much and would most likely need some prosthetic legs, where its friends could write silly pictures on and sign their name, or maybe a little spider wheel chair till its legs grow back. I told the tokays to back off and I got the spider to move to a safer place with my finger acting as a guide pointer and communication rod just like Diego, to my glee Gordon the spider listened and understood and went further out and away out of the danger zone. I did it. I finally did it now I would have to do it with my mind when it went into unreasonable psychological fear mode. I was looking forward to telling Diego all about it when he came home, but when he arrived he had this grin on his face and a knowing in his eyes he already knew what had happened no words were necessary. I looked at him thinking, this man would never save me or intervene in on my fears but would help me to understand them so I could be independent and have many tools if and when other fears would come up. But the fear of a spider is not nearly as scary as what is going on inside our minds so much so, I know suspect we develop fears of spiders to cover up what we are actually afraid of. (note -I kind of cheated and time lapsed this chapter this did not all happen in my first two months here more like 7 months its trial and error and time with getting to the root of your fear understanding and dismantling enough to break the automatic reactions that comes up with fear. Its really something being with a fear expert who shows you just how ridiculous your fears and problems are, and what they actually are.)

Chapter 25 Bali Locals

Me and Eo often walked around town exploring Ubud and everywhere we went the locals would ask us if we wanted a taxi, I mean it was all the time sometimes every 5 seconds, taxi, taxi. taxi. If you said no they would say tomorrow yes, as if you already agreed to it and were not aware of it perhaps thinking the heat had gotten to your brain or something. Even if Diego took us around on his bike, which he had no problem doing, the locals would still ask us if we wanted a taxi. It was like they were automatic they said taxi with out even thinking even if Diego rented a car and the locals saw we had one still they would ask if we wanted a taxi, we were like yes let us just park our car and go off with you. Eo and I laughed lots about this. It’s a total mystery the Balinese brain. Driving on the road there was pretty much no rules, no laws and anything goes. You can see 5 people on a bike, or pigs or hundreds of chickens all over bikes being carried by their feet upside down alive and dead. Some locals would drag wheelbarrows behind their bike, while others carried a bike on top of a bike held just above their head. Yes there are police men but they do not do much, its pretty much like giving a uniform and whistle to a monkey, they blow their whistle and try to look busy. To be a cop in bali all you have to do is be able to afford the uniform so they have no idea what they are doing, they may pull you over from time to time but not have a real reason just cause they think that’s what they are to do, you can get away with a fake licenses no problem even they would never notice or care if they do catch you for something you just pay them off like 50 cents or go to jail for 5 years gee that’s a hard decision and then your free to go. The construction work they do just here and there mostly they will dig a hole in the road and then leave it their inconveniencing everyone taking their sweet time to finish the job. Its been said if you want to study laziness study the male locals. The females on the other hand work like a mule carrying as many as 9 bricks on their head I can to even carry one in my hands, the woman learn how to do this at a very young age and I have seen woman as old as 90 carrying bricks on their head. The ditches are a whole other matter aside from being super filthy, they are also the Balinese’s favorite place to bath they will do it by an open road no problem, full nudity of everything with the whole family from kids to grannies, the Balinese believe when they are in the ditch they are invisible so no one can see them (cue in Austin powers riiiiiights) these ditches are also their toilets, their garbage bins, the place they brush their teeth and wash their motor bikes in. They are also known to have their fancy so called organic/healthy/ expensive restaurants wash their so called fruits and vegetables in the ditch water, when tourists get sick from this its known as bali belly. I have heard about this but so far it never happened to me as we do not eat as those kind of places. So if you come to Bali do not be surprised if you see a family bathing in the ditch with grandma using it as a toilet the sons using some chemical to wash their bike while others are busy brushing their teeth there, the locals do get sick from this but they do not stop using the ditch if you try to tell them otherwise they do not believe you or just smile and laugh.

Balinese names are strange here but even more odd is that the first born child is always named Madae, and it does not matter if it’s a boy or a girl, the second child is always named Wayan, the first child is always named Numan, and the 4th my favorite is always named Catoot (its similar to how they say fart in their language which is cantoot, yes I sure can, so the fourth child is like a fart) If they have a fifth child they start all over again at Madae. I’m not sure how they manage to keep track when some people have over 10 kids.  If you ask them why they do this or any other question even about their culture or religion they have no idea they just smile and nod. They seem to have no idea what they do they just do it with out thinking or questioning it but even if they did they would be banished from their village. All that is known about their religion is that it consists of 5 other religions and has many gods, demons, sprites, deities’, and then some. The have many ceremonies which is pretty much a big inconvenience for everyone even them, it can sometimes last for months and at all hours of the days and nights making so much noise with their gamelan instruments and weird mantra even for temples birthdays, ceremonies and offering take up 70% of the Balinese income alone and to not go to ceremony and participate in animal sacrifice means being banished from their village and they all seem to be scared of that. So they are taught at a young age to mistreat animals and throw garbage in their jungle. If you try to tell them to not throw garbage on your property but put it in the garbage basket they will instead bury the garbage in your garden. If you marry a Balinese you have to go to ceremonies all of them you cannot miss one or you will be the one responsible for bad luck in their village. If a western woman marries a Balinese she has to work like a mule as well, there is no getting out of it unless you leave the country. Everyday they make hundreds of little offering baskets out of grass, these offering baskets are everywhere in front of restaurants on bikes and cars, every house has to have an alter for them to they have all kinds of things in them I’m glad they put food in them so the animals that are starving can always depend on that to eat. The offerings are put out for to them is evil spirits rather then pushing them away like the Christian religion does they acknowledge that they are there and say ok you can stay there and we will give you this offering in hopes they will leave them alone and not give them bad luck. In truth they are not evil spirits at all just spirits that are not understood. Diego talked to these spirits once and they are actually not interested in the offerings or prayers or loud noise they do not know why the locals think they like this. He said its like you live at your house and everyday a person comes up to your door step with an offering makes a bunch of noise and then leaves, they never bother to communicate at all if that happened to you, you would think its strange to, to do such a thing. Now a days its not about communication or thinking at all just mechanically do what you always do. It’s so interesting to get Diego’s perspective on these things. Ok I think that’s enough about the Balinese strange ways for this blog in the next blog I will share even more about them and what its like to live near them.

Chapter 26 That’s Pretty Ducked Up

The ducks of bali seem to be similar to the locals peoples mentality, my friend got some ducks she thought breeding them would be a good idea. She went to the market and purchased 3 ducks 1 male and 2 female they were handed to her upside down by their feet as the ducks gossiped away. She named the male duck Randy, which seemed to be not the right name for this duck cause he did not even know what it meant to be a randy duck or what to do when the lady ducks started to become sexually seductive hinting that they wanted something. Poor Randy was confused he could just not figure it out, he thought it meant to drown the lady ducks of course these ducketts were not amused maybe even a bit offended, surly they thought he can not be that dumb? So they tried again lifting their butts up in the air, still Randy did not get it but a rooster near by sure did. This rooster was watching im not sure for how long and could not take it anymore saying duck you sucker as he flew down right over Randy and mounted the ducketts as if demonstrating to Randy what they wanted but if he was to stupid to figure it out then the rooster would take them no problem. A duck and rooster getting it on that would make a little Dooster or dricken or ruck, that’s pretty ducked up. Finally Randy got it but he was so awkward and clumsy he again almost drowned his woman they made such a raucous but when it was all done the females did get pregnant they dropped their eggs everywhere my friend was so happy about this, finally baby ducks. Or so she thought when they ducks were called for dinner all 3 of the ducks trampled over all their eggs and all the babies died. Which was probably just as well I do not think these ducks were fit to be parents anyway and shortly after the ducks made such a mess and noise that it was clear it was not going to work. One day when my friend came home their was nothing but feathers left of the ducks, most likely the snakes got them and that was the end of their first and last attempt to keep ducks.

Chapter 27 In Regards to Alien Abduction

One day while I was doing a session with a guy on skype that was from the states he told me he was contacting me because for the past couple years he was not able to sleep every night he would wake up at 4am screaming which would also wake up his wife and two kids due to him being abducted and terrorized by ET’s. He felt so frustrated and tired of fighting and always being at the mercy of these aggressive ET’s, nothing he did seemed to work not even calling religious figures in fact that seemed to make it worse. I did my best to help explain to him this experience and why it was happening and what he could do to prevent it. After I finished chatting with him I told Diego about the chat. I am always so curious to get his response to such things, its never a typical answer that he gives. He responded with “tell this guy that the next time he is being abducted to ask these ET’s a question and that is what is the secret to chlorophyll?” “What? I said that’s strange really?” “Yes he said and it does not matter if this guy that is being abducted knows the answer or not its not about that.” “Ok I said I will tell him” and I did sure enough he thought it was odd to but he was willing to try anything at this point. The next day he contacted me right away saying he had his first undisturbed sleep in years thanks to me. “It worked I said, what happened”?” He said he was about to be abducted again when he remembered the question to ask them and when he uttered those words they aliens freaked out and disappeared so fast and left him alone the whole night. I still keep in touch with him even after many months he still sleeps soundly with no problems. I really tried to understand exactly this question and how something like the secret of chlorophyll could scare them away and though I asked Diego many times I still do not understand, he says I will though when I dismantle more, at that time I did not know what that meant either. But one thing about Diego of all the things he is not interested in he sure is passionate and interested in chlorophyll and spoke about it often. I asked him to talk publicly about these things but he always refused always saying “its dangerous then people will focus on this rather then their minds and the real work as people are eager to escape into the new age. Not until they are ready he said will I talk about these things. At least he would share with Eo and I. Diego would always say people are so focused and obsessed on the key and the door but not about what’s on the other side of the door. How many things are we not seeing?” he asked me. “A lot” I said. Then he said “you have been through my front door a lot right you feel you know it pretty well? Can you draw it for me exactly from your memory? So I did, then he said how comfortable are you on how accurate you think you are?” I said “oh very comfortable I know your front door well.” “Ok he said now go look at the door yourself and see how you did. I saw I actually was not very accurate at all and had missed lots of things. The door was more complex then I imagined so much detail I forgot about and beams. Do you see he said when you think you know intellectually you do not know? Your not fully observing everything around you, your surroundings your mind is still to busy so you can not see and your mind lies to you saying yes I know what the door looks like I remember then we find out for ourselves and see it’s a lie. You convinced yourself that the door only had one beam but it had more how many people do this? They do that for everything especially their beliefs until they find out for themselves how off they are but most do not want to find out they rather just stay on assuming in their comfort box. The mind creates a false version with many holes in the memory that we cover up by not thinking about them we imagine something else which is the lie which we want to defend that brings about so much unnecessary suffering and thus our beliefs abduct our mind entire existence our history even our future which throws us in a limbo and this is one of the main reasons behind alien abduction how and why we give permission for it to happen.

Chapter 28 The Beach

We had been cooped up in the house for days Eo had gone off on his own for a couple days and I was feeling restless so Diego offered to take me to the beach down in Sanure. It was a long nice bike ride when we arrived we walked all along the coast just talking the day away. We had a nice dinner on the beach, like a conspiracy of romance. Not that Diego is a romantic person because he is not at all instead he lets nature be the romance. Well it seemed to be very romantic but for me burping like Viking of some sort. Though Diego was not repulsed at all, nor was he really amused or impressed by it, he just said “well you know how to set the mood” in a humorous kind of a way. I said “your welcome to exclamation your sentences with body movements to, he replied “no I’m too elegant for that thank you.” As the sun was setting and we watched the orange yellow sky he said “what do you think about us being a couple? About you not leaving bali but staying here living with me?” “Oh I said uhm im not sure, I do not think so, Im not ready. I’m still a total mess trying to recover from my last relationship I confessed and stumbled for words to let him down gently. I do not think you and me will work; we are just totally different people with different views with different paths in life.” “I see” he said ok then. It was true all those things and also the things I spoke about with Eo my concerns we were just two different people, how could we work? He was just a bit too different for me yet very considerate what was I doing he is a great guy what am I so afraid of? How can I trust him be enamored by him confide in him, maybe even love him yet still be so scared to being with him? But it was not Diego I was scared of, I was scared of the changes inside that would have to take place oh yes I knew it I felt it before like a huge tidal wave crashing inside me. For being with him I could feel but I did not know exactly or see clearly where it would go he represented the unknown and a removal of so many of layers that I was afraid I may not recognize myself anymore. I would not be so accustomed to the familiar to my comfort zone. Was my identity and reputation really so important? He was deep, too deep, beyond deep, I do not know what he is, would I fall into the well of his deepness? I started to think about sunset hill where he took Eo and me a few days before. He said “this is where all the secret lovers sneak away to be with each other in privacy and their they were all the Indonesian couples sitting beside each other with this amazing view, and yet, they had nothing to say to each other they just both sat staring at their own phones awkwardly lost to distractions that were there. How many he said get together in a relationship they could be together for many many years and people could say wow what an accomplishment that’s love. But in truth these people after only a couple of months or many years have nothing to say to each other. They just exist with each other passing time calling it life or love or what ever.” To Diego that was a tragedy that couples today have nothing to say to each other, that they never knew each other at all or explore each other ravines of depth. But I wondered perhaps he was being unrealistic, there is only so much to say to a person you live with everyday till you run out of words. So was it really possible to go as deep as he said, through all the layers in which their was always something to say and more levels of depth to go? How deep can people really go with each other? Was he referring to the depth of the ocean or space? We have not even gone to bottom of the ocean yet we want to go to the stars, to go that deep is to have some serious pressure to deal with not to mention lots of unknown, in fact its scary for most to go that deep so they stay on the surface. I knew though what he was saying was true even if I did not fully understand to what depth and what capacity he was referring to. A part of me did know though a part of me from a long time ago that I used to be so connected to but now had forgotten was stirring up again. I felt like what he was sharing with me was important though scary I must go there I must be willing, I wanted to know how he was so magical, how we was able to do what he does (more on his abilities later), and know what he knows in such a precise accurate way. Could I do the same thing to if I stuck around him more? Perhaps it was contagious? Would it be passed to me from him through his energy through his kiss through his touch, his affection? Like psychometry? He was like a being so ancient and yet so child like so young so fresh at the same time, Did he understand me, know me already? Did he know things about me before we met? “Yes he answered out load to all my thoughts.

You do not understand, its not just from your videos that I know you, I knew of you before I even found your videos. I knew I would meet you, actually we were supposed to meet 3 years ago. My heart sank “3 years ago” I repeated, I was just getting together with my ex at that time, that’s when my life seemed to all fall apart, me and my family almost became homeless, my brother went missing and I ended up with an abusive man at this thought I got upset. “I wish I would have met you 3 even 6 years ago I said so why not what happened? Why did I have to go through that hell instead?” “ He said We were supposed to meet at that time 3 years ago but then the time line was changed he said You were not ready and I had something very important I had to do first in Slovakia.” “But if you knew me then all that time I said why did you not try to contact me?” “I sent you a facebook friend request” he said. “Oh but since being a public figure I have maxed out my facebook friend request I had over 7000 at one point I had to stop responding I could barely keep up. I decided if someone really wanted their facebook friend request granted then they would write me a letter. So why did you not do that explaining to me more?” “I could not he said, again it would be manipulating you and I could not do that.” Ok I was on my guard was this some line? How many guys have told me im their soul mate or something and they always knew it and such? Too many, I ran from them all ( for the record Diego never said he was my soul mate/twin flame, I just assumed that is what he meant.) “But this was different he said. I knew I did not have to write you or go to you, I knew when the time came you would come to me and that’s exactly what you did you came right to me, at just the right time.” “Hold on wait a minute I said I almost ended up going to china and japan instead of bali and then we would have never met.” “Don’t be so sure about that even if you did go to china and japan we still would have met at around the same time. So it does not matter, time lines are no matter nor do they matter when one understands how they work.” “Are you saying you shifted time lines to make this happen?” i asked incredulously He did not answer and I said “never mind, I know, you don’t want to manipulate me.” He seemed to know me so well better then I knew myself, he always knew what to do and say. If that was true then he knew how easy it would be to manipulate a person but he never did. Truly I was blown away.

I felt like I was in the movie ‘The Sword in the Stone” It’s an old Disney animated cartoon The part where the wizard was expecting the boy and had pinpointed everything with the exact coordinates down to the detail of the boys arrival and we met through of all things couchsurfing. “I know you he said I know you very well.” “Ok” I said thinking its something of starseed talk I heard it before. But then he started to describe all the homes I grew up in to the detail I did not even have pictures of them, they just existed in my memory how could he possibly know? He then would describe certain events in my life even things I did not remember until he mentioned it and the memory would come back as a glimmer. “Do you remember that weeping willow tree you used to play with behind your house in the park when you were 7 years old? Do you remember that time you and your dad were at the lake and the boy with no face showed up and you ran after him to the lake and your dad ran after you and saw something on the lake that was beyond belief? And no I was not that boy without a face he said answering my telepathic question out loud again.” I responded with “No I said I do not remember this, not at all.” Your dad remembers but he never told anyone, how could he no one would believe him? His mind struggled with it as well so he decoded it into something else such as spirituality and started to look and think of you as very different afterwards.” I felt squeamish I did not like him brining up my dad it made me sad I missed him. He responded again telepathically to my thought out loud “he is not dead nor is your sister or your brother more on that later in the next blog) He went on you did exactly what your dad did when metaphysical things started happening to you, your mind looked for archetypes, labels, beliefs, categories, boxes, books and movies to make sense of it you did this all unconsciously at first until you trapped yourself.” (more on this later) I was taken aback how could he know this? How could he know my own memories and life better then me? He went onto describing my life in the last 3 years the places we stayed what they looked like down to the detail, he seemed to know all about my ex with out me telling him, his background and family and history even things my ex gus/costakis mouskos tried to keep from me, he even knew about his future. “This is incredible I said, you can do this for anyone on the planet just read them and know everything about them?” He did not respond but I knew that I was right he could. If people knew he could be working full time with this doing readings for people finding missing people helping them to understand their metaphysical experiences, but non of that interested him not at all. When people find out what he is capable of they can get scared or maybe curious wanting to know what he sees in them, or want to ask him some questions regarding their own spiritual growth or something. Again he responded to my telepathic thought out loud.” I will not answer those questions for others.” “Why I thought why not? “I will only talk to them and share with them about their confusions and inner fears cause if they do not understand that then anything else I share regarding those topics will do no good and could actually cause them harm and add to their confusion layers I want to remove those layers. Then they will try to collect knowledge all the knowledge its never enough and then when you answer their questions and then what? Where are they after that? They are still stuck and struggling I want to only talk about and respond to things that will help them stop being stuck and struggling so they to can dismantle they must dismantle first nothing is more important then that for the masses then and only then will I share more.” He stopped and looked into my eyes in a familiar way.   He reminded me of an owl I one time met at a trade show, I will never forget meeting this owl he was huge big brown and spotted his eyes were yellow and large, I watched carefully at those eyes its pupils zoomed in and out like a sophisticated camera lenses state of the art yet to be released to the public such technology maybe not for another 50 years. Those eyes were not just looking at me but through me beyond me, above me, the micro and macro of me, of all facets of me beyond this reality, into many other realities of me, eyes that saw everything observed everything did not miss a thing. I will never forget that feeling that owl gave me and here was Diego giving me the same feeling. Déjà vu?  While we are on the topic of owls I would like to add that they are one of Diego’s favorite animal. I remember when we walked though this one park there was an mini expo their of exotic animals, they had a large owl there as well all the animals were sadly chained to a poll which Diego did not like at all or that the poor owls were not aloud to sleep in the day due to people poking and touching them all the time and having their pictures taken with them. I watched Diego silently communicating with this huge intimidating bird, he was so gentle tender and empathetic with this being, he had a few tears and he said this is my parent, my real parents and he was fully sincere and certain when he said it. I did not know fully what he meant at that time I was more lost in the moment I was touched. He said to me another time how humans are the only ones who work the hardest of all animals in order to survive. The animal that works the least amount of time on its survival is an owl they work less then 5 minutes and that’s it. That’s real evolution to him, they are precise and have the most time to give their energy to other things, to what other things exactly I am not sure. That’s how we are meant to live to like the owl to be efficient with out basic needs that we can spend our time on other things more important things. Can we not learn this from the owl?

Chapter 29 The Only Thing I Want From You

That night as he crawled into bed we again talked really late into the night though he was still quite exhausted and had not had a chance to be fully rested.  I still thought Diego was like most guys, what with his strange touching and I all I blurted out you just want sex from me. His response was “actually that is the last thing I want from you.” What you don’t? Wait what’s the first thing?” i asked. He did not respond. (Nothing sexual happened between us until many months later. We just talked and that was very satisfying and pleasurable in it self.) Even though he was tired he talked anyway, about all kinds of things, but all of what he said seemed to be alluding to something else. He was stuck in some way, “I just want to get out,” he said with a few tears escaping his eyes, when I saw that I took it as a chance to finally be able to do and offer something for him. I immediately said with out thinking to what I was saying “I will help you with that.” “NO” he said. “Why not?” I said innocently, “Because he said almost everyone that has tried has not made it, some ended up in a limbo and some died even you. it can only be done when you have to focus on freeing yourself” He started to tell me about the last time we were together and how I had died; “you sacrificed yourself for me Jess. I will not see you sacrificed again I will not let you fall into that pattern again. You do not even know why you feel so compelled to give yourself to a mission to be ok being a martyr, you do not know what’s behind that, but I do.” I did not fully understand what he was talking about exactly, I tried so hard to understand but just could not, I did the best I could. “Ok I said I will not sacrifice myself I promise but I still would like to help you in some way, and help others. How can I help you? I asked” and what is the first thing you want from me? he said “I only want one thing from you and he said your freedom.  That is the only way or others can help me or themselves, they have to free themselves first. What do you mean free ourselves? I asked free ourselves from what exactly? (more on this later) I had no idea what that meant for me and others to free ourselves but it made him cry, softly tears rolled down his eyes. Ok I said I will free myself what ever that means.”


Trailer for the next blog titled:

What if Love is Not the Final Destination? Oct Nov 2012

Question what would you do if all your life you felt compelled to find a certain kind of people (starseeds) only to realize what you had found was not them then you realize that when the real deal shows up in your life and it challenges all that you thought you knew? What do you do when you have come across an opportunity to have the answer to any and all questions? What if they are so accurate that its scary, and you realize that you have not been asking the right questions and abducted by answers in which everything you think you know must go? Then the real work begins I started to fall through the reverse rabbit hole, I was falling up. Diego was showing me the world in a way I never saw it. in a way it was like a whole new world, it was so exciting yet so scary and shocking at the same time. I wanted to understand what he knew and how he could the things that he did, his otherworldliness his codes. I decided to give myself more time in Bali with him at least until after 2012 after the end of the world as I felt more safe and secure with him, but I also had this inner friction because to give an example all my life I had been the Anastasia in the relationship with most people I met, but with Diego I was the Vladimir, I now understood him much better what its like to be with someone like that. When you experience something that makes you think deeper, from a person that is so something else something superhuman like the character in a movie called Powder, that fascinates you, then you start trying to interpret it and that is what I did. I interpreted it as love, that I was falling in love with him. and fall I did but that was not the destination, just a phase a necessary in order to understand what love really is and what it is not. What is happening to and with people with these concepts; and what’s behind it? Its not what we think and the answer may shock us, it sure did me and still does. At first I resisted its not easy to question everything even our most comfort beliefs ideals and dreams even things that exist inside of our secret space that we consider to be so subtle and innocent but is actually not at all what it really is. Diego challenged me saying you either are willing to question everything and anything or this is the furthest we go. Do you want to stay in that comfort bubble of beliefs that never seem to work out or see what’s behind it all? He has been right with everything so far its scary, my goodness what if he is right about this to and all other things I was fighting with him on? Is it too much too deep? Can I really do this and inquire past it all? This is a question you all must ask yourselves as well to really understand what I am about to share in my future blogs. Curiosity pushed me forward; that I reached the point of no return there is no going back, now way could I ever live my old life again.  This is what I will get into more in the next blog my journey through and beyond love, and a great deception hiding in the most desired package. How and why I was pushed out of that state, so as to see there is so much more beyond it, beyond what any of you can fathom. So many get stuck at the station of love or god thinking it’s the final the end all be all but what if it is not? When we get held there we eventually get disappointed and thus miss the boat it’s a historical pattern/habit as well that must be broken if we ever really do want to experience this infinite potential that we hear so much about but can never quit grasp. By the way if you think this blog is impressive its nothing compared to what I am going to share with you next. Coming soon my blog/my life/reality/ my journey for the months of Oct Nov 2012.

If you liked this blog please share feel free to share it. If these blogs have added to your life and helped in some way please let me know also a donation is more then appreciated as im sure you can imagine how challenging it is to write something like this. Thank you and warm embrace. Jessica

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Bali Daze: Part 1 of the Bali series (Aug 2012 My first 3 weeks in Bali)

Chapter 1: Culture Shock.

There I was standing at the Bali airport getting my visa, talking with people in line who have been here many times, such as the Australians of course, they have all this access to exotic countries close by. And weary Americans looking for their dreams to come true here at this resort and spiritual retreat.

As for me, as it happens, no sooner did I announce I was going to Bali with no plan and no idea of what I was going to do, but I always leap before I look and it always ends up working out. A friend messaged me and said that I really should stay with her friend who is a former diplomat; he will take me in as long as I needed. He has two teenage children living with him as well and they would show me around. Sure enough when I wrote him he welcomed me with opened arms, ‘any friend of his friend was his friend’ kind of guy. His daughter collected me at the airport and brought me to their place in Legion/Kuta area. I will never forget my first drive from the airport to their place, it was pure craziness and so different than any other place I had seen before. The place I was brought to had a small cage in the entrance with two gorgeous golden retrievers that were extremely sad because they never left that tiny cage it was heart breaking and there was nothing I could do about it. Followed by other exotic animals in cages, i tried speaking to some locals on the way but they did not understand what I was saying or pretended to not understand. My hosts did not really say much about it either; they would just change the subject, as if ‘ya let’s just pretend everything is fine, just be positive..’; Ya tell that to the caged animals, I’m sure they would appreciate that, rather they would try to bite some sense into you.

The house in itself was quit dilapidated not at all a home one would expect from a diplomat, there was a dirty pool, a messy house, an outdoor living room and kitchen, and a shared bathroom that belonged to the father. The bathroom door did not close that well, inside it there was a faucet that would not work and had only cold water. What if I had to go in the middle of night surly I would disturb him and I have a very inconvenient inconsiderate bladder? What if he had a girl over and I have to use the bathroom late at night, that may be awkward (I can just imagine uh hi it’s just me, I need to pee u can go back to your kissing and such).. My room was something like a tree house, with the most uncomfortable bed imaginable. I’m no ‘princess and the pea’ either, maybe the other pee but let me tell you that bed was very uncomfortable I have slept in strange places, home made beds and boxes & crates, cars, streets, floors, I can even sleep upside down if need be. I never have problems sleeping but this bed had me wake up with my back being sad… Not to mention the bugs that claimed real-estate in my bed. Not to mention the sound of pigs being tortured, apparently I arrived in Bali around the time where the locals have strange holidays in which they boil a pig alive and for hours you can hear the poor thing screaming in anguish till its dead.  Then there was the kids or teens seeming to not respect the father and treating him like a cash machine, my whole time there all I heard from the kids was pretty much “dad, I need money for this or that.” I felt very uneasy and out of place there but I was not sure if I was being picky, its not like I had any other options beggars can’t be choosers after all, so I stuck it out a few more days. Walked around, tried to get my barring’s but the rush and noise of bikes and confusion was overwhelming. I asked to be dropped off at the beach as there was no internet at the house I was staying at nor could a decent Wi-Fi connection be found anywhere near by. I thought I could find a restaurant near the beach that had a good internet connection as I was having more and more reserves about staying here but were could I go? I would have to look for something online. I did not know anyone.. Nor did I know the language. I did not know the area, the money, the food, the pace everything was dizzying and complex for me. The beach was not any better it was full of party people looking to get messed up. There were people everywhere and every 5 seconds someone was trying to sell you something. I felt very lonely and lost there, like never before… I felt scrambled, very confused and nervous there. I saw animal cruelty everywhere, I found some baby pups wandering blindly to the road, I knew that no cars would stop for them so absent mindedly of me, I threw myself in front of a car. Good thing the driver stopped. At least I managed to rescue the pups I got them safely on the sidewalk to see the mother foaming at the mouth angry that I touched, maybe harmed her babies and she started to growled and chase me until I stopped running turned around and faced her and said to her telepathically feel me and my intentions I meant no harm but I do not blame you for feeling this way about me I look human smell human, and they all treated you bad. I can’t blame the dogs here for being racist to humans, thinking we are all the same. She seemed to understand and stopped running towards me and left me be, just like what happened in Malaysia with the monkeys about to attack me and Mr. Trekky did a similar thing to get them to leave me be. Communication is everything!!! But that experience did scramble me even more. For the first time I had doubt in my decisions and myself, and was trying to figure out; what the heck am I doing??! Why am I in Bali? I do not like it here at all!! I will only stay here for as long as I need to, and then I’m getting out of this topsy turvey place pronto… Perhaps I was lucky when I traveled, how easy would it be if no one knew me? Well I’m experiencing something like that as I do not know anyone in Bali and no one knows me here, I’m on my own.

I did manage to find some internet places, however they were at super expensive commercial restaurants, I starting asking my Facebook friends for help, but no one knew anyone here, so I started to resort to couchsurfing, I wrote so many people some party people wrote me back but I felt strongly in my intuition that it would not be wise to stay with them. I needed a location to go first, then I could focus more on people to stay with but I could not afford to be choosy. Fortunately for me Malaysia and Australia was good to me with clients that I was able to have some money to float on. Some friends said Jess maybe Ubud would be the best place for you it’s more spiritual and laid back not as busy as Legion/Kuta area. Getting back to my place was very tricky as so many taxi drivers bombarded me and I had to have my wits about me, to pick an honest one, all of them said they knew the address but I soon found out that that was a lie, they had no idea where it was and kept getting lost stopping every 5 seconds, I swear to ask people for directions. I was beginning to doubt if any of these people were actually taxi drivers or if they just go down there with their bike saying “taxi, taxi”, good grief… Eventually, somehow they found the place. Oh yeah, I recall now, I recognized the area and guided him back. I had made up my mind at that point I’m going to Ubud. So when I got back I told the family I was staying with thank you for letting me stay with you but I must get going now to Ubud. A taxi driver collected me and we did the long drive out to Ubud I had no idea what to pay the taxi driver as I was still confused by the money here so I think I over paid the taxi driver by $10.00 as he played it like he did not understand as usual.. Gosh, how many clueless tourists did they rip off I wondered..

Chapter 2: My first time in Ubud

Ubud was so strange to me, at first I was suggested to be dropped off on a monkey forest road. I walked up and down with my heavy bags all by myself seeing lovers holding hands and dread lock snobby hippies looking at me as if I was an odd site to behold. I felt alone it’s such a rare odd feeling to me I’m not used to feeling alone or lonely. It was clear that I was new and did not have a clue, but no one helped me they just stared at me and turned up their noses when I made eye contact. I walked back and forth I’m not sure how many times I asked about places to stay that had internet. It was pricey there and to get internet it cost even more. After a while I gave up and just settled at a place that had internet only out in the front where it was noisy. I stayed out there as much as I could.. now that I had a location in Ubud I could try my luck at couch surfing again. It was not easy ‘cause the internet was super slow and would randomly go off for hours. I only wrote girls and non of them wrote me back. So I finally decided to consider the guys, there was one particular strange guy dressed all in black with jet black hair spiked up like a porcupine and some kind of eye alternation with Photoshop to look like some kind of a monster with yellow eyes. I decided to skip him and see who else was here but his picture kept popping up on the feed like standing out but he was too strange looking to me, I was not sure what to make of him and I was already too nervous and vulnerable as is. How was I ever going to come through and set up a workshop out here? And to top it off my Afro Eo baby brother would be out here soon and I do not know where he will stay or what he will do, I promised his mom I would look after him, that I would have a place for him, so I was responsible I can not put him in this mess. It’s his first travel experience he never left his country before so big sis had to look out for him, he looked up to me I could not let him down.

I was feeling so blue, trying to figure out what to do, trying to figure out my life- to what I am doing? Where is it all leading? Bali is beautiful but in exploring the spirituality thing here its very refined competitive cut throat market, you have to be aggressive if you want in, or play the game, neither of these options were me or appealing to me. I do not want to have to feel like I need to compete like everyone else does here, nor do I really want to sell spirituality or certificates, it’s not what I am about. It seems like spirituality is a quick fix, that is not fully satisfied, maybe cause the root of problems are not addressed or the teacher does not walk the talk I don’t know. But I do not want to sell this, or be around people like that, people who act like their farts don’t stink make me uncomfortable. What do I do? I do not like doing this or feeling like I am coming off some spiritual making machine. It’s like pretty girls they are a dime a dozen and so is spiritual workshops a dime a dozen. This is what concerned me about doing workshops to begin with, and why I never wanted to do it, though I was always asked, it kept coming up I finally said ok to it as it was an option for me to get by while I traveled and figured myself out. Is this what I’m meant to do? This kind of spirituality? Am I meant to be like those here? Or is it a stepping stone to something else?

I just want you all to know that I am only blue when I don’t share with all of you, once I am aware of the emotion and have identified why it’s there and let all of you know, then I am at peace with it and feel instantly better. All your emails and comments help me so much that I can’t stay in that emotion, it only stays if I keep it to myself. This is the power and healing that comes from sharing and why I share no matter what; even if it’s cryptic, I still technically share it. Then we all relate/identify and connect and build our relationship on an even deeper level. So thank you for helping me and all of us to heal at the same time.

Chapter 3: From Rags to Riches (Which is Actual Poverty!?)

I woke up the next day with a second wind, a determination to make some headway with my situation. So I decided to go back on the couchsurfing and contact the guys this time and write them all after I wrote them all, that strange guy in black showed up on the screen again and again was it a glitch on the site or a glitch in my memory of some foreshadowing? I looked at his profile but he was too strange, no way I said to myself. I wrote all the guys but him, and none of them wrote me back. I heard a kitten crying, I looked up from my desperation and saw a local man holding a kitten, it could only be a few weeks old it must have just recently opened its eyes and the man in a cruel way squeezing it to death and I tried to get him to stop. I begged him and even offered him money but he just laughed and walked away to do away with the poor defenseless kitten. I was even more out of sorts and very desperate, and only felt more defeated damn it, I hate feeling helpless so I finally gave in and wrote the strange looking guy in hopes he would respond and he wrote back right away, as if he was waiting for me (which I found out later he was waiting for me, he knew I would contact him).  But right at that time to my surprise a man pulled up in a motor-bike and said Jessica mystic get your bags I’ve come to rescue you. It turns out in my desperation I publicly announced my address on Facebook and he saw it and came for me right away. I did not have time to write that strange guy to tell him not to come as he was also on his way but I was so shocked and out of it I went with my rescuer only to find a few minutes later that strange guy in black also came to rescue me, but I was already gone, I had stood him up.  My first rescuer had asked me if I ate and if I was hungry I was famished, I had no idea what to eat out here, he asked me what my food preference was and well I am lousy with making decisions when it comes to food or what I want for myself so I said something healthy as I was struggling finding healthy food here. So he took me to a fancy raw food restaurant. I could not have looked more scruffy. I felt like a stray cat that was rescued from some major tides in the ocean. This rescuer whom I’m going to call Wolf, he was in his late 40’s but looked young with long wavy brown hair and light white blue eyes like a wolf. He dressed pretty fancy snazzy.  He asked me all kinds of questions and I was so out of it I did not know how he found me and what he was doing in Bali. How much he was aware of or how he knew me? He seemed to be doing well for himself talking about the nice villa he had for me to stay in, he said he knew me from my project Camelot interview (of course that’s what I’m always known for).. He was in Bali to do some projects, and became aware of me as he saw my cries for help on his Facebook feed. He had a real way with words, as we jumped topics of conversation of that of the spiritual he seemed to understand it all so well and then some, I rarely meet people like that. He seemed to be very conscious and aware like some hidden benefactor fully focused on the awakening of influential people to what extent exactly would be revealed to me later. I was brought to his villa at first when he described it I was thinking it would be like the first place I was at with the diplomat. He made his place sound so wonderful until I got there.  Now here is Wolf saying the same thing, only Wolf’s villa was stunning, it was tucked away in a small village away from the busy commercial business areas,  which I was grateful for. I was greeted by 4 dogs and 5 cats all looked like they had a hard life, he had rescued them all which gave him instant attractive points to me. The staff, were helpful and took my bags to my room. I explored the place and it was just beautiful though there were no private showers really, if I were to shower here I would have to risk everyone seeing me. In further exploring the place I saw it had a very nice clean pool surrounded by exotic flowered plants and I found 3 bright colored baby chicks, one was bright pink, another bright purple and the last bright blue… Wolf did not say they were died, he said they were born that way, it’s part of the exoticism of Bali. Then Wolf showed me his two monkeys that were also rescues and they really loved him, I watched as they competed for his attention and quickly got jealous if he gave one more attention than the other. The monkeys were both girls and since I was new and they did not know me it was not so easy for me to touch them. I wanted to have the same relationship with them like Wolf. I would have to earn it, like he did. It’s always been a dream of mine to have a monkey as a friend, to hold one and put my hands to theirs. I just had to get in their good graces, but not now. As I was told my room was ready and I really should shower and sleep now that I could finally rest rather then stress. My room was like a room for a princess, a huge white canopy with a net over my bed, there would be no bugs biting my ass tonight. My room also had a huge balcony with an amazing view. I took a quick stealth shower with my swim suit on and went to sleep at 1 pm.

I was still in a bit of shock and trying to keep up with the sudden turn of events, I went from dives to fancy luxurious villa like that. Ok, the universe is taking care of me good to know, I was beginning to think I was losing my magic.

Chapter 4: Wolf, the Alpha Male

The next day I met a handsome young man from Scotland, he was an engineer and another handsome young man from South-America with a dreadlock beehive, he was a designer and architect and both of them were about my age. Wolf stepped in and played the alpha male and acting like I was his girlfriend and these other workers that he was employing must back off. These guys were about to go into a power point meeting with Wolf to further discuss the project they were working on and I was asked to join. The power-point was most impressive it was about eco communities that were absolutely stunning and done in total natural energy and sacred geometry all the houses and properties were designed to look like lotuses with dew drops on them, it was very impressive. They seemed to know and talk about some big names that are already on board to back up the project from famous actors, models, politicians royalty, experts and the who’s who of the spiritual racquet such as Nassim Harrieem. They had already started construction of one of them on his property; money seemed to be no object. They were even willing to have people live there that had no money or very little and had various ways for them to stay and contribute their talents. Wolf even offered for me to move my family out here and live in one of these places that one can only dream about and have only seen pictures of. So he did not seem to be about money or greed, my, how spiritual, how attractive more points for him. Everything they talked about seemed to be beyond the beyond, the best of everything natural, nothing was too out there in quantum technology and holistic healing foods. All the world’s problems were taken into account all the possible problems that have plagued eco communities to be thoroughly thought about and ironed out in the most genius cutting edge ways. I do not even know how to begin to describe the things I saw and heard there. Wolf himself was a very fancy speaker, you could feel dumb instantly in his presence, as the way he spoke; the speed of his comprehension, the huge complex educated words left you in the dust, you could not keep up with it, no chance… I try not to use big fancy words, but I do speak sometimes of complex things acting like they are so easy and how come you can not see it… But everything he said would always come back to the quantum human heart and love, all those love and light divine things. It was a light worker/star seed dream come true… just wait till I share this with my network that I know are striving, praying, wishing and hoping for something like this, it’s a reality here; it is right in front of me; all the experts, brilliant minds, inventors & investors working on a project like this that made the Venus project seem like trifle peanuts.

With that I was whisked off to breakfast just Wolf and me, he always went to this same place for breakfast which had horrible food and not the best drinks, he always ordered the same thing and waitresses rarely remembered or got the order right. It was baffling to me how the Balinese logic worked, that they were so spaced out when people made orders it seemed like they could not be taught either, unless you have a huge amount of patience like 2 -4 years, I’m not being sarcastic either. If I ordered toast it was charcoal completely un-edible and the butter was a frozen brick that refused to melt just to give you an idea. But if you come here you will understand. To this day I have no idea why Wolf liked this place so much surly there was somewhere way better with more competent service? He always complained about it to but still always went there. In talking more with Wolf I learned he was from Africa, Zimbabwe. He told me how dangerous it was but he managed to survive and move to England then traveled all over the world, he just got back from staying with the princess of Morocco, she was a good friend. I would not have believed this guy if I did not see all the pictures of him with most of the royalty, celebrities, models, politicians, spiritual speakers on the planet. He was always able to prove and back it up… Ok, I know what you’re thinking; Illuminiti? I thought the same thing but turns out that there is lots of people who are in those statuses that do not like what the Illuminati is doing and want out. They want to free the people too, so they are working against them behind the scenes, on the inside. Of course the Illuminiti is fighting amongst themselves and knew when the people find out how pissed they will be.. It was becoming crazy and intense even there for them and so many wanted out, and wanted to make amends, it made sense… I always suspected such.  I saw all kinds of letters from royalty sent to Wolf. There were even ones that saw Wolf as a threat to them and their agenda and wanted him to stop, they tried to sue him and slander him saying he is a dis-informer Mk ultra and all that. But he was like; of course they will say those things they are terrified of me, they can not stop me, they can’t sue me either, I’m not in their jurisdiction. Hold the phone I know that word, my ex was all about this stuff he was into free man and trusts and bonds and quantum syntax and I started speaking that language to him he was like how do you know that? So few people know about this or how I’m able to operate, where I have all the money I need and not able to be touched for taxes or anything and of course I have the master black unlimited un-debtable credit card. I have heard of them but never saw one before until I reached for my wallet to pay for my food and he stopped me and said it’s on me. And from the whole time I stayed with him he always paid for me with the black credit card. Of course he was a threat to the Illuminati, of course they would do what ever they could to stop him. So how did it happen? I said you were not born in an influential family how did you get to where you are now? He said he used to be a rock-star and did not make it that big, but the shows that they did attracted some influential people that took a shine to him and his music and they clicked immediately, they invited him to perform at private elitists parties and introduced him to their connections, as if they recognized him and knew of his work and were there to help him and set him up for this. Of course I did not believe it again till I looked him up, his band, his music and sure enough he was a former rock-star of course he looked like it and acted like one and dressed like one. Ok, I see I said still trying to grasp and comprehend all this and I said why are you helping me? Light-worker/star-seeds always look out for each other, your videos touched me a lot and plus your smoking hot. Uh ok, so what do you want from me? He did not answer. And we started to talk about my work and where I was at with it and were to go now. Am I to be really famous and well known like Deepak Chopra, really? Do I want that? I’m not so sure I do. I mean even if I did or if I was meant to be that like I am always told, I can’t do it on my own, I will need help. I need a serious team like Wolf has. Would he help me with that? Or was he too busy? He seemed too busy for me.. But he did not say anything, as If he did not want to say anything about it. With that we left the restaurant after having our super healthy drinks and went back to the villa as he had many meetings to go to. When we pulled into the villa parking lot we saw there were locals on the side of the road wanting to cut down a tree. Wolf spoke the language of balinese fluently and started to talk with them, he was most upset to hear that they were going to cut this tree down. I mean why? it was unnecessary, it was not really in the way, but the locals had made up their mind to remove it, and they would, there was no talking them out of it even when he offered money saying how much I will pay you whatever you want, but that did not work… their high priest has already decided that this tree most go… there was no going against a religious priest that controlled the whole village. Wolf was most upset about this and was almost near tears being powerless to save one tree. I never seen a man care so much for a tree and make such an effort to save it… more attractive points. Then we parted ways for a bit I felt over my head, this was a whole other ball game. I mean I did feel prepared for this but it seemed so surreal.

Anyway I had to put all this out of my mind and focus on the work that I came here to do to set up a workshop, but I was so shy and not my smartest when talking to Wolf about myself and what I did, of course I felt intimidated, I mean who wouldn’t.  I called my friends and family and tried to explain to them my change of events and my luck in my life but I am sure they did not fully understand or thought I was exaggerating. I turned my mind back to my work and what I needed to do.

I decided to finally get some heavy duty plastic surgery… on my website that is 🙂 It’s old and out dated and I swear I saw some tumbleweeds go by it the other day. Also Taa, daa!! My book with my poetry titled “Soul Archeology” is finally, finally done, gosh, I think a snail could have published it faster then me. It will also be for sale via donation on my website for those of you asking me about it constantly. Thank you for bugging me until I got it done.

  Chapter 5: Proper Monkey Conduct 101

No sooner did I put out that call for help on my website, did I get in contact with a guy named Taz, who just also happened to be living in Bali, but not in Ubud, in another city. He just also happened to be in Thailand at the same time I was there. We were actually supposed to meet out there but it didn’t work, instead it happened in Bali, Taz was a business tech and spiritual person, he felt I just needed to get all the latest software’s and study marketing of the latest, then I would be able to reach more people with little effort. He wanted me to make a mind map to organize myself, my vision and what I had to offer.

I tried to follow his advice and suggestions, as I knew I was running on old programs and needed to learn much to catch up. But every day he sent me so many links and software helpers that it got so overwhelming, there was just too many new toys, bells and whistles coming out to play with online. I have no idea how Taz was able to keep up with it all. I quickly started to feel daunted.

I decided to take a break and spend some time with the monkeys. For some reason I bonded with the more aggressive monkey first, I just sat near them talking with them telling them about my life, my situation and hoped they would provide some advice. Hmm, I see, yes, yes I see… that is a good idea, no I didn’t try to pick the bugs out of my life. I didn’t talk down to the monkeys and saw them as equals, I fed them but that was not enough… If they became aggressive with me I knew I must not show fear, or they would surly attack me. So if they showed their teeth, I showed mine back, if they made gesture motions or tried to bite me or pull my clothes I would bite and pull them back. But I think the best thing I did and the advice I can give to anyone that wants to bond with monkeys, is try to groom them right away that’s the fastest way to be accepted. No sooner did I start to groom them and suddenly they started to groom me back, but that’s not all, you have to make it look like you actually found some bugs and are actually eating them, it’s hard to fool a monkey in this way, but I did it.

I always wondered if they actually found as many bugs on me as they seemed to indicate or if they were acting too. I mean I never saw any bugs on me, were they microscopic or just bugs in another dimension that only monkeys could see? Were we both humoring each other? How come I could not see or feel any of these bugs that they found… I’m sure they wondered the same thing as I picked at their fur peacefully like in silent communication. I also found they had quite the vision for new hairstyles, I always let them give me a new style for the day. Then a few days later it happened, they let me hold them and play with them anyway I wanted, I was in their good books now… I was accepted into their world I was a monkey like them. This is when I started to make some videos with them.

I was even trusted enough to let me take them for walks bring them in the house to climb the doors, tease the dogs by pulling their tales and swim with them in the pool. I started to take them out into the rice field for farther walks and then out into the jungle, let them climb trees and find new exotic bugs to examine and eat. You know a monkey really loves you when they jump on your back from a tree and pee all over you, it’s the ultimate honor in the monkey world and they did this to me not once, not twice but thrice times. As we continued walking we came across a penned cow and the monkeys were scared of this gentle cow that was peacefully picking her nose with her tongue nonchalantly. The monkeys were so nervous with this cow that they started yelling and swearing to this cow in monkey language, I even saw one of them shaking its fists at the cow as if they had some secret dispute. I so loved my time with the monkeys, I loved to feel their gentle touch to look deep in their eyes and wonder what they were thinking of this blond pink ape in front of them. There is nothing like it and it was just so wonderful. Hanging out in the rice fields with just them and me as I am making a video, about consciousness being the new sexy feeling, like damn it, I should use everything I got to wake people up… But it’s a risk as it means you can risk the message not being heard as you’re just another chick that wants to be checked out saying look at me, look at me.  So I kept wrestling back and forth with this concept.

Jessica Schab in Consciousness is the New Sexy Bali Indonesia

Now and then it would happen where there were days that the monkeys would escape, as they were Houdini escape artists. Though they could have left the property  easily and never returned many times, they never did, instead they were more inclined to tease us playing ‘catch me if you can’, hopping around the roof, stealing food from the kitchen and terrorizing the dogs and staff having them run out of the kitchen screaming. I saw these monkeys outsmart all of the 3 staff, working together to catch her but they always alluded their captors. I think she was purposely giving them false hope that they would get her. The monkey would always make themselves visible to everyone but be just out of reach. They would let the staff get super close and then jump to the ceiling super fast and throw some banana peels at them. It was too funny, I think I got some video footage of it but since internet is so poor here it will take a long time to put up all the videos.  I learned how to catch them pretty fast. As food and curiosity was always their Achilles’ heel. You hold a watermelon in front of them, and they lick their lips in an anticipation, they become practically hypnotized by it, you hold it up high enough for them, to make them think they can reach it so they come closer, but you take the melon further and further down, as they go lower and lower until they go for the melon fully, and now in easy reaching distance for you, that’s when you have to be fast, no hesitation and then you just grab them. Even if they already have food in their hands they are so curious about the food in your hands, you can see them thinking ‘but what if that tastes better then this melon I have’, oh, I must try it, as they lick their lips in anticipation, fully hypnotized by the sweet, sweet melon and how it would taste. The fear is that they may bite you but they never did.  They just act all shocked like ‘what? You caught me? How dare you, catch me?!’ They seem to be offended by this, but they soon forget it as they scarf down the sweet melon and everything is cool again.

I loved when they escaped, it was always such an adventure, though the first time I was so nervous, when I by accidentally let one go (and I was so worried about telling Wolf I lost his monkey) but when I told him he was like ‘oh, she escaped again, no problem’ she will get caught sooner or later when she is hungry enough.

There was also a time I can recall that a Madonna “wannabe” from the U.S. came by the villa, dressed to the nines, tits out, ass raised, stiletto heels, hair and make-up, perfect designer clothes, tons of plastic surgery and liposuction to make her look like a duck face (I have no idea why woman do this to themselves, is the duck look really what’s hot right now?) and I was like uh, who wears this to the rice fields? She was waving both her arms and shouting trying to get our attention. When she saw the monkeys she went into total disgust, then to fear and the monkeys picked up her energy right away, and they sure did not like it so they chased her, of course she could not run in heels and so in panic she tripped and fell, the monkeys both pounced on her and they both bit this “Madonna”, she screamed and acted like she was dying (the bites were not even that bad) she was a real drama queen who had no clue on monkey conduct, so she got a crash course in monkey conduct 101. Monkeys do not give a damn about what you wear or how much money you have or how important you think you are. A fake is a fake, they can smell it. The Madonna demanded Wolfs healers to tend to her, I said my healing abilities were mysteriously not working today (no way would I work on that woman, she had it coming to her) Apparently all the healers visiting at the villa at that time suddenly forgot they left the stove on or had plans.. Everyone else that was left was expected to visit her, ask how she was doing and bring flowers of condolences. If that was not done she would threaten to have the monkeys put to sleep. But after a bit of time and schmoozing with Wolf she dropped the charges on the monkeys. I instead left that whole chaos and went to visit the monkeys, telling them to not feel bad about what they did, she got what she asked for. Apparently she had been to the villa before and always hated the monkeys. The poor monkeys were now locked up in their cage, but only by night, by day they had a collar around their neck and could only go so far. It was only temporary as Wolf was planning on making a huge nature park for them. The leashes were necessary cause if they did escape the property the villagers would surly kill them. At one point we considering getting them a male monkey and have babies, I was really looking forward and romanticizing about going to the market to find the perfect male monkey for the girls and the babies they would make, how cute, but Wolf decided against it. boo-urns. : (

Chapter 6: Big Meetings at the Villa

One day a friend came to visit Wolf, her name was Shi and was in her mid- 40’s, she also had an amazing connection with the monkeys, and she knew them since they were babies. I got to spend a lot of time with Shi I did not mind her company she was tough as nails and had such an interesting life story. She was abandoned at age 4, by her mother and sent to an orphanage in England, were she escaped many times and would try and see how long she could live out in the woods on her own. Every time she escaped the orphanage she would have to go further and further out, to not be caught by the police and brought back or forced to go to school (which she always rebelled on modern education) and she was always told how stupid she was that she would not amount to anything.  At the age of 14 she decided to venture out into the city, but was caught stealing food from a restaurant and rather then turning her in they gave her a job, and let her stay there for a bit. Until they started asking too many questions, she knew she overstayed her welcome, and decided to leave and ended up meeting the wrong people (that she thought would help her get an illegal passport) but ended up tricking her into snuff films, when she was not filming she was kept in a cage with other kids. She told me if she had not escaped; she and all the captive kids would have been killed in the film. The escape happened cause one of the kids kept flirting with the guard till one day (he had a moment of sympathy for her) when he got close enough she grabbed the keys, knocked him out with the door and jumped out the window. She broke her ankle, but it was enough for the people in that area to learn what was going on in that warehouse in Amsterdam and the police came and rescued all the kids. When she was freed, she managed to get some money of compensation which she spent all of to buy a plane ticket to the states, where she got a job in Hollywood as a PA, but soon the crew found out how intense and brave she was when no one wanted to do the stunts, she volunteered herself for everything that no one wanted to do. She fast became a well known highly respected wealthy stunt woman, celebrities would ask for her by name. But that venture ended many years later when she went to a celebrity party with a friend and this jerk kept hitting on her friend so she told him off publicly (tearing into him) everyone went silent… then she learned he was the most important and most feared/hated of the Hollywood big executives that no one had the guts to tell off until Shi did, and when she did she was blacklisted from Hollywood, he would see to it that she would never work again in that industry. Even though she did not work she suddenly had lots of celebrity friends who were looking to hook her up in whatever way they could. At one of the parties she met a princess of (darn I can’t recall which country), but anyway she convinced this duchess to ditch her bodyguard and have some fun for once, they boarded a train and just threw caution to the wind, as the princess had never done anything so bold in her life, she had never really lived or been away from her guards… they became really good friends, that was until the body guard found out were they were and forbid the princess to see Shi again. Shi then moved out to Asia were she became the owner and manager to many companies, she met Wolf at those celebrity parties and was really the only female that Wolf respected and did not hit on.

My evenings were mostly spent at the shisha lounge with Wolf, even if it looked like we were together because we were always nearby one another. I was just his friend, but I felt like a decoration for his arm (as if I was something he needed to make him look good) but I was never elegantly dressed like most of his other lady friends. Of course, he ordered the same things every time a creature of habit. He told me about some meetings he was going to have, that he wanted me to be present for. I still was not sure of the reason he wanted me there, but I agreed. It was to be something of a meeting with the main politicians and president of Bali, regarding their free energy device powered by water to help Indonesia with the expenses and heavy labor destruction of nature for electricity. They were going to demonstrate their hydraulics device to the politicians to see if they can get them away from their old destructive way of bringing electricity to Bali. The house was cleaned from head to foot; the staff was running around franticly trying to make sure the food was perfect. Wolf cracked the metaphoric whip on them by barking orders and everyone scurried about to make sure everything went smoothly. Wolf was nervous, bossy and pushy with the staff he could not afford mistakes of any kind, but of course they happened, especially with the Balinese… Oh, the pressure, stress and tension were so thick in the villa; you could cut it with a knife. I did my best to help in what ever way I could, but I always felt like I was in the way and would end up spaced out going far, far away in my mind from this stress. It was challenging to be present. When these influential guests asked about me I gave my card and I watched them scratch their heads as they read modern day fairy god mother… hmm, I see it was just a bit too out there for them. I saw Wolf and his crew hid and toned down the mystical talk with these people, oops, but of course I’m just not used to hiding who I am.

Then they took their guests out to see the device and it is not running as well as it could and this further stressed Wolf, I could see him fuming under his skin, though he did his best to not show it. Behind the scenes (like in the kitchen) his eyes were bulging getting ready to pop out of his head and explode with red. But none the less the guests were still impressed and intrigued. Though, that was not enough for Wolf… he wanted to blow them away, like he blows everyone away, impress the heck out of them, this man is used to getting his way and always getting what he wanted. So he took his guests back into the house to schmooze talk, I sat through it all quietly observing the verbal dance show and I then I retreated to my room. While Wolf went to make some computer art, the guy was super talented in so many things, again another guy similar to my ex… hmm, let’s see that’s the 3rd one now. First there was the Aussie Douche in the Philippians, then Gizmo in australia now Wolf in bali. I was not intimate with any of them but did give them consideration and an opportunity to be something more with me, but something in me would not let me go there. Sometimes I wish I was not me so I can be more carefree and do what most do with out any reserves, but like I said, something inside me does not let me go there with men. Most of the time I just do not care to do or give any energy to hanky panky after all it just leads to more trouble. and we do not need more trouble.

  Chapter 7: A Baby Pup & Some Ducks

The following days Wolf had brought home 3 baby ducks for his pond which I enjoyed swimming with in the pool. Then one night he brought home a little puppy that was run over by a motorbike and was wounded. she was left on the side of the road trying to get her mother to wake up but it was her mother that took the full weight of the impact so her pup would be safe but she was dead. This little pup had nothing and was starving so Wolf brought her back which was more attractive points for him. I had to play nurse with the pup and fix her up and did not really know how to, this is more my mothers thing not mine. I did my best to clean the wound then dress and bandaged this pup that would not stop moving scratching, biting, licking, its bandages off or anything else that I put on to heal the wound. Wolf named the pup pig as she had black dots on her nose that made her kind of look like a pig. she was a cute little thing a bit of a drama queen when Wolf slapped her lightly she acted like she got a serious beating and was timid for a while then she got over it and started teasing the other dogs such as one dog named speedy that was also ran over by a car and could not walk or use his back legs so when he moved he dragged his back legs around. This pup was a terror; doing what she wanted and getting away with it, but the monkeys put her in her place; they teased her and made her go nuts pulling her tail and climbing up the tree before she could get them.

I put Speedy into the pool for some leg therapy; I figured it would be easier for him to use his leg in the water then on land; I would hold him the waist so he could tread water and get some exercise for those legs.

Pig being a curious mischievous pup often got little Pig in trouble, such as one day she got stung by a bee; her whole face swelled up and then she really looks like a pig and sounds like one to, lol.

Chapter 8: Enter (The Man) in Black

On other days I tested out feeding the monkeys all kinds of things such as onions, garlic, ginger and lemon if they did not like it they would throw it at me. After that I went out to dinner again with Wolf and he was once again complaining about his staff and I said then why not fire them and get someone else, he said if you build a villa in a village then the rule is you have to hire the people in the village otherwise they will not protect your place and burn your place down the first chance they get. So the staff can be as lazy as they want not show up for day’s because of their many random ceremony or drunkenness. His security guard always slept on the job and there was nothing he could do about it. This country sure was backwards but you have to give to the Balinese some credit they managed to check mate the westerners which was pretty clever if you look at it from that angle.

Then I changed the subject and told him I had Afro Eo coming out here soon and I was wondering if he could stay at the villa since he had huge couches and his contractors often slept out on them so their would be plenty of room for him and he would not take up much space.  But Wolf was not interested in having Eo stay at the villa I wondered if I said I was bringing a girlfriend instead if that would make Wolf be more inclined to have her stay over. This guy liked the ladies; he had to have the prettiest and best ladies. He talked about why he is single that he has many many girlfriends and does not believe in commitment as woman get crazy possessive and jealous so its just better to keep all the woman distant but impress the heck out of them to sleep with them all. At that he grabbed me and kissed me and I was not comfortable but went with it but that was the farthest I would go with him though, and I made that clear. this guy was not used to being told no by a woman as he told me all the rendezvous he has had, or when he shared his thoughts out loud with me of sexual fantasies with girls that were way under age it made me sick to my stomach. And you call yourself spiritual I thought? Is this spirituality the hidden ugly side? I felt very conflicted at the time I really did not like this situation, but felt I had to stick it out and keep my distance as best as I could as the world was counting on me to keep ties and connections like this that would make the world a better place. We needed his projects and connection so many were praying wishing and hoping for this for so long. I could not walk out I would just have to put up with it the best I could as this was my mission, this was my lot. Right? Finally I responded back to him when he grabbed my breast in a forceful lustful way, “I’m your friend” I said, “not one of your girlfriends, nor your Cinderella for your storybook, fella I’m no Barbie doll for your fantasies at all.” This made him a bit crazy, he kept trying his strategies to get me to sleep with him but I refused. I did not want to be added to this guy’s harem collection. Ok, he said, anyway can you make arrangements to stay a few weeks some-were else I have one of my many girlfriends coming over for a visit and she will be super jealous if she sees you, she will think we are together and it will just cause problems. She wants to come here with her mother it’s best if you’re not here for a bit. I said ok, I will arrange something. It was annoying cause in truth he was telling me he was not sure how long I could stay with him cause of this girlfriend that was super temperamental that she could come by at anytime. But if Wolf and this girlfriend were fighting and indifferent then it would be delayed so I had to be ready to go at anytime. It was really annoying because I could not even give that strange guy dressed in black on couchsurfing an exact date for when I would be coming to his place which is not very polite or considerate, as if I was expecting him to just up and drop his plans for me last minute. I tried to give him an idea of when I could potentially be able to stay with him and for how long, but it kept changing and got really frustrating with everyone and everything being so up in the air. And cause of that I kept standing up the man in black I did not mean to it just kept happening, nope sorry false alarm. I was also annoyed because I was not free, I was always stuck the house, unless I went out with Wolf in the morning or evening. I had to make my plans convenient for their schedules. I did not have any way of getting back to the villa or to look for places to do my workshop. So the idea of leaving and getting away for a bit felt like a good idea, at least that strange guy dressed in black on couch surfing was flexible and lived much closer to town. So we made plans to meet up the next day. It was decided he would come and pick me up at the shisha lounge at around dinnertime.

He arrived on a motorbike dressed all in black, his clothes were a bit filthy, his hair spiked up, he wore dark sunglasses and had a cigarette in his mouth. When he removed his shades and came into the restaurant introducing himself to everyone, Wolf and the other guys seemed to act snobby to him; totally ignoring and blowing him off because he was so different. Perhaps they saw him as a black peacock acting all cool, which was funny to me, because Wolf was definitely the one suffering from a bad case of egoic peacocketry to me, not to mention that Wolf reeked of über insecurity, I recognize that foal smell ‘cause my ex had the same kind of smell.

This peculiar creature in black did not seem to care, what these men thought of him. Nor did I smell insecurity from him like I smell in so many, this intrigued me. He was focused, he knew he was not here for them anyway, he was there for me. Waiting patiently for me to contact him again not holding it against me that I stood him up many times, but not on purpose. I hoped he knew that. He sat down and took off his glasses and I got to see his eyes. They were very soft and wise and had a little boy like sparkle in them, which is rare now a-days to maintain. Though I remember thinking at that time I must not be thrown off by such eyes right now, I needed to know if I could trust this crow, so I looked deep in his eyes to see if I could intimidate him, and know I would be ok with this guy and he met my eyes with the same depth and intensity, touché, was spoken silently telepathically and he to was scanning me just as much with his eyes but went even deeper then I went with him, I could not go as deep as him.  When I was done looking deep into his eyes I knew he was ok and I would be fine staying with him. With that I said bye to Wolf and the gang and said ok see you in two weeks or so, let me know when it’s safe to come back. I always try to keep things on good terms even when the person is shady. 

I got onto this mysterious black crow motorcycle and we drove off. I had no idea that I was embarking into the Twilight Zone in which my life would change dramatically. In some ways I did shift in the end of 2012, if that was what the shift is, then it sure as heck wasn’t what anyone thought it to be.

This blog is already getting pretty long so I think I will leave you in suspense a bit more and end the blog right here. There is so much to say and share, I have been looking forward to writing these blogs but I’m going to try to keep them only 10-16 pages maximum even though some of my old blogs have been 60 pages and people would read them not once, not twice but thrice times. I’m not going to do that for these. Ok everyone I wish you well see you in the next blog, I guarantee you that you will not be disappointed truth is indeed, not just stranger then fiction, but BETTER and more interesting.



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Malaysia July/Aug 2012

Chapter 1 Kuala-lala Lumpur

I arrived safely in KL. It was a long, cold 8-hour flight, but it was a good one. I got lots of sleep and read a whole book in one sitting. Customs was easy, and I did not have to go through the stupid DNA scrambler. I think they got rid of it, one hopes.

My taxi ride was fun. The driver and I plus an extra random passenger all sang out loud to the Black Eyed Peas song, “Where is The Love.” Then we showed off our useless talents, such as animal noises like my elephant and bird imitations, and my boisterous loud burps. They were very amused by this. They made me feel welcomed, warm and safe right away. The taxi driver and random passenger took good care of me, helping me find my hotel, and made sure I was fully ok before I was left on my own, but not before swapping contact information.

Losita was not at the hotel when I arrived. She was at the center where our workshop would be held. So I just chilled and caught up on my work, reflecting and digesting my last few weeks in Australia. My heart was still there, dreaming about koalas and the whirlwind of being in such a la-la land. I was sure I would stay in this mental state for most of my time in Malaysia. It takes a bit to get used to and adjust to a new place right away.

We would not be long in KL, only 3 days. After I had a little nap Losita arrived and showed me the center where we would be doing the workshop. But before we could go I had to change, as apparently wearing a tank top is inappropriate there. It’s not ok to show your bare shoulders. It annoyed me that I had to cover up since this was a hot country. What kind of torture is this, I wondered, as I thought about the women who had to wear heavy black burkas. I did go out in my tank top once as an experiment. I did have a scarf but I let it drop a little and the looks the men gave me were most uncomfortable.

Anyway, the center was inside a spiritual shop that had yoga and meditation in the back. I was informed that such shops like this are rare in KL, but slowly more are being set up. It’s not easy to bring this kind of spirituality into a Muslim-based country, it’s kind of a taboo thing here. After we checked out the center we met the owner and her fresh batch of kittens. We Zenned it up with a friend of Losita’s who was also Indian. She was with us for the workshop we did in Singapore. We felt she had something to share, as well, so we invited her to come join us in Malaysia. We thought her participation would help her get out of her comfort zone and doubts about herself and give her a new perspective on how her life could be.

The workshop in Kuala Lumpur went really well. It was all girls and even a 16-year-old showed up with her mother. This particular workshop was not well-attended. Losita said the last time she was here no one showed up, well at least in the physical that is. Some spirits showed up. Losita felt disappointed and was getting ready to leave when the spirits said “What, we are not good enough for your workshop?” So she stayed and did the whole workshop for the spirits.

The first day of our workshop could not be a full day and we had to resume at 4 p.m. so as to work around religious customs. So in that time pocket I did an interview. I do not remember now with who or what it was about. The next day it was off to Penang for me and Losita so we could catch up and properly inform everyone via video of what we are doing and the places we are going. Then after that, which was only 4 days in Pengang with Losita, she will return back to Singapore with her family. I will take two or so weeks off to just be on my own and hide away, perhaps burrow a hole in the ground like a badger or just go somewhere to catch up on all the things I need to do, such as consultations, videos, interviews, blogs, newsletters, etc… Then I think I will be going back to Singapore to do another workshop. They want us back by popular demand. It also looks like Bali is back in the cards for a workshop but we might do it as a retreat. It’s so strange how my plans for Bali seem to constantly bi-locate in and out of reality as if it’s not yet finalized or become tangible in my life. I wonder why it’s so on-again, off-again with Bali, like a pendulum.

My last day in Kuala Lumpur I found to be very hot and smelly and you could hear muslim singing from the temples like they were singing in a mic with huge woofer speakers broadcasting it throughout the city. It sounds beautiful but strange and alien-like, too. There are lots of wonderful, beautiful, awakened people here, as well. Even the homeless, though desperate, are still gentle and polite.

The food is not easy for me to get used to as it’s hard to avoid spicy. Yeah, well, what can I say? I do not know about you, but I’m not a fan of having my nose run like Niagara Falls when I eat. I don’t know, I guess people who like spicy food like to taste their snot while they eat. Maybe it’s a delicacy or provides some added flavor? It never made sense to me.

Losita and I stayed in a small simple room with a toilet shared by the whole floor. We never stay in expensive hotels. It’s a waste of money and unnecessary – greed I will not feed. I do not want or need luxury. As long as I live I will never give into it, not when so many have so little. I will never forget having so little myself. People in developing countries have very little, and they are happy. First world country people have everything and they are not happy? Look at the kids in Africa. Their eyes are so bright, so full of light, but in most western countries that’s not so easy to find. As if the less we have the more we actually have, which is true. Wealth, the wealth of self and the relationship we have with it, that’s what’s important. The more we have the more distracted and less satisfied we are.

Losita and I managed to get lots done on our last day. Well, not so much of our actual work per se, but inner work healing and processing the junk (my wounded heart) of our past. I am still struggling with the quandary of being a woman, a child and a mystic and having them all co-exist in balance. As it seems I am married to my work as a mystic and it can be a jealous with anyone and anything that takes me away from it for too long. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m not sure yet.

After we processed, Losita and I did the outer work of making videos. (It’s a year later and I still have not posted them, but its not my fault. It’s hard to get fast internet to upload videos here in Asia. Also they seem to no longer be relevant to where I am at now.) I am really starting to look forward to going so I can have some alone and finally be able to just catch up on all the things I need to do. Just some alone time would be great, that’s all, whether it is Bali or wherever. I still have so many videos to put up. I’m always behind, it seems.

Chapter 2 A Dream I had

I had a dream the following night that I feel compelled to share, in which my dad and sister never passed away. It was a real sweet dream. Mom and Dad were trying to get some alone time, but I had to sneak in for some kind of candy or something. I remember a part of me being surprised to see my dad on the couch. I just wanted to talk with him but I did not know why. When he asked me I said I do not know why, but I cannot help but feel like its been a long time since I last saw you. He said what do you mean, I have not been working for a while. I have been here at home with the family enjoying all of you. I have always been here. Why do you think and feel that?

It was amazing to see and experience a reality where certain things never happened and that version of life is being played out and enjoyed in some other time line. Yet a drop of me is somehow conscious of this other time line. It did not have the details. It did not know he passed away in this one but the feelings were there. They were aware of this reality here, and it was like some bridge between the two time lines was being made by feelings that perhaps the mind could not possibly understand at this time. This makes life and reality so interesting to me and tells me there is something out there that is more constant than time.

I called my mom when I awoke. She is doing really well. I have not heard her this happy in a long time. She informed me that her headaches are starting to lesson their intensity after taking Jessica Shackleton’s recommended remedies and tinctures from her scientist healer friend in Africa. I updated my mom on my life and all the exciting things I am doing and the cool places I will be going. All she could say was did you meet any men? Don’t you think you will want to settle down and have kids at some point? I told her I may not as the world is more important than this micro reality. I am one that tends to focus more on the macro. I am all about helping the world reach the potential that excites my bones and after sharing my passion with her she just said but I want grandkids. It felt like she was saying oh never mind about the world, you whimsical child, having kids is more important. The world will be fine. Lol. I mean, of course she cares about the world, but I guess she feels we can only give so much to that till its time to start thinking about ourselves. But I’m just not sure about bringing a kid into this world. Some say i should because I would make a good mom and have a crystal child that could also help the world. But the truth is who knows who the child will be? They could be similar to me or not. Oh well, sometimes my mom is one interesting bird, definitely a strange continent immune to all reason. I take comfort, though, that perhaps one day she will understand me and one day will at least let me be me which is more rare nowadays. She supports me no matter what. She is a really good mother.

Later on that day it was time for Losita & i to take our bus ride to Penang. On that ride I wondered if the buses here were the same like in Thailand and the memories came flooding back to me as if I was back in Thailand again were the Mafia have their hand in everything even the tourists vans/bus are like sitting ducks for them . If you travel in one your practically asking to be robbed so i suggest you avoid them especially in Thailand. Your pretty much saying i am from out of town i have no clue and i have money. What tends to happen when tourists travel in these vans/buses is the driver will first close all the window and turn on the air conditioning but in the air conditioning is a gas that makes everyone go to sleep except the driver he wears a mask, most people think its to protect them from germs as its common to see people walking around with medical masks. When everyone is asleep the van pulls over and everyone gets robbed when the tourists wake up they have no idea what happened until they are off the bus and realize they have empty wallets and purses even their passports are gone. So was very cautious when we boarded any tourist transit in Thailand but Asia in general, as most of the time they would shut all our windows. i would keep opening my window though and they would keep closing it. i said i get car sick easy and if you do not let me keep this window open i will be very sick and puke all over your vehicle. Of course they did not understand what i was saying so used body language and my best sounds of imitation of a person puking their guts out and it worked it got the message across. The window stayed open and no sleeping gas was vented on us. I did not find no hide or hare or something like that being pulled in Malaysia either as we continued our on our bus ride to Penang no instead they played a horrendous not even be movie perhaps graded F for Fake and stupid super cheesy about a giant snake killing everyone. The movie had lots of sexy girls and bad acting the volume was so loud that relaxing was not an option that is until we reached our destination.

Chapter 3 Food Adventures in Penang

Losita’s friend took us out to try the Chinese food here and let’s just say that this place has some strange food. It was not much different than KL, even though it was not spicy. I had other things to contend with like random surprises in my food, such as bones, scales, fins, plastic pieces, teeth, cartilage something that tasted like a rubber band and eyeballs. Eww. The food of the Chinese is so alien to me, I mean why do they dehydrate sea horses? What’s up with those Star Wars face shield/visors they wear over their whole face? Why would one name their store poo fashion? Why is it not ok for me smell their flowers? Ok, back to food. It turns out my food saga has a happy ending. I discovered Iranian/Persian food, and it was amazing – not spicy and not mysterious. For this Goldilocks it was just right. I am also getting into the Bollywood movies. They are loads of fun and very refreshing. Losita showed me a movie from the 70s. It’s like “Weekend at Bernies” but Hindi style. It’s a real crack-up and I highly recommend the movie if i can remember the name, which i can’t, sorry. I love how in Hindi movies and music videos how they court each other the way they sing and dance for hours and bobble their head. It’s so hypnotic to me.

The workshop for Penang we decided to cancel as we only had two that could show up and its understandable as we were very last minute in putting the word out there. So we decided to work with two people personally and individually. The first person was a Chinese guy named Henry that took us out to that Chinese dinner experience I told you about. And the other was a Chinese girl named Aleene who contacted me on Facebook. She found me recently and saw my post about Malaysia being hot and smelly and hoped I could come to Penang where it’s much cleaner and does not have as much litter and open sewers as KL. So, it was decided that for the first part of our trip in Penang we would hang out with Henry and the second part with Aleene.

Henry took us out to lunch showing us different restaurants as he loved introducing me to all the strange new foods and tastes. He was something of a businessman/inventor that had many ideas and projects in the works to help bring consciousness to Malaysia. He was very excited to talk and had much to say and had lots of metaphysical questions to ask. What I shared with him seemed to resonate with him and the next thing I knew he invited me to his place to meet his wife and some of his friends. It was at his place that I tried this super strange Midieval weapon looking fruit called durian. For those of you that do not know what durian smells like it’s something like a stink festival of 1,002 farts and all other things that are foul. This fruit is illegal to bring in the airport, and I recalled it to be the culprit for stinking up my bag when I had to keep it in Henry’s trunk for a bit. After plugging my nose I was able to taste the stuff, which was alright, but not something I would choose to eat. After Henry stuffed me with food he and his friends grilled me with more metaphysical questions and the more I answered the more random Asian people kept showing up. It was like they kept telling their family members or friends to come here now. They must have been texting this on their phones. And soon they all wanted private sessions. So I spent my next few days seeing person after person. This was really helpful as I was still pretty tight cash-wise. I did not make that much for the workshops I did as the profits were split four ways, so this really helped me get back with basic expenses and be able to afford a ticket to my next destination.

Chapter 4 The Trekky Buddhist

With my being only a few days in Penang, the word got out even more what I can do and what I know, and then everyone started fighting for time with me. I was booked up for the whole week and the next staying as late as midnight with people. Losita was not around much at this time as she had made some plans with her family to meet her out in Penang to have a mini vacation with them. This is one of the reasons why we were so last minute with our plans, because Losita could only be away from her family for so long. So even if people were looking to book us for the fall to do a tour in Europe and Dubai, she would be looking for ways to bring her family with her, which made things tricky.

I admired how Losita was not doing her work for a huge profit even though her family was struggling in Singapore. She really wanted to move out and was looking into making some plans to do workshops with me in Toronto and Vancouver as she felt called to move her family to Canada, but she was having visa problems. I did not blame her for wanting to get out of Singapore. It’s a very stressful and challenging place to live. But Canada was getting that way, too, and it seemed like all countries were sadly heading in this commercial globalization direction.

On the last day with Losita in Penang before she headed back to Singapore with her family, Henry had one more person he wanted us to meet. This meeting came about when he was talking to his friend and his friend named Mr Trek, told Henry about a dream he had with two women. One was from India and one was from North America. Henry took it as a sign that Mr. Trek had to meet us, so he made plans for us to go to Mr. Trek’s place. When we pulled up to the house a man hobbled out. He had one leg longer than the other and because of that he had to hobble about his whole life. But Mr. Trek did not seem to mind it at all. He had a good sense of humor about it.

As I exited the car I had this very annoying wedgie so I started picking it out, only to look up to see someone standing right in front of me who could only be Mr Trek. He had his hand out to shake, but I did not think I should shake hands after him and everyone else clearly saw me pick a wedgie out so I gave him a hug instead. I mean what could i say no not rectal archeology but soul archeology is my thing? Losita rolled her eyes as she was not surprised at all. I was not exactly lady-like at all. Mr Trek was a rather prestigious person, successful in business and had pet tigers and tortoises living together harmoniously. He was of average height, in his late 40s, and had a shaved head like a monk.

Mr Trek’s house was very interesting. The entrance had Egyptian figurines and Buddhist figurines and a huge collection in a sealed glass case of dinosaur bones and teeth. There were some fossils, too, that he had bought from museums and auctions. His living room had a giant fish tank that actually took up one whole wall, and the fish were huge so it actually was not big enough for them. The fish had kind of angry faces, so I imagined that they were most likely swearing in fish language: “You son of a sea foam, mermaid puke.” No doubt, as there were too many, and they were too big but were soon to be released. The living room had Star Wars, Star Trek, and Spiderman figurines everywhere. The doors were designed to look like the doors from the Star Trek Enterprise, and when the lights went out the roof had this techno-color kind of cosmos nebula depiction. Where the computer was there were these kind of walls that had built-in Enterprise screens, just like on the spaceship with full detail. It even lit up in the exact way it did in the show. I did make a video of this place. I should see where it is.

His wife was doing some work in this room. I found her to a be a very kind and smart woman. Then he brought us upstairs which was where many famous monks had stayed the night at his place, and we got a view of his back yard which is were he said he used to have two huge snapping tortoises and two huge tigers roaming in the yard, but recently he gave them to the zoo. Damn, I wish I had not missed that. It would have been an awesome sight to see.

We did some meditation, and he also seemed to be excited as he talked with me about my purpose and how he could see it, that I would be well-known. But I said, “Ah, this is a mirror. You’re actually talking about yourself. This is your mission.” He got very nervous with this. He knew I was right, but he was not ready to accept such a vision to be so well-known. He would rather lay low, “But, come on,” I said. “You’re already a business mogle. You had this dream for a reason. I was called to you to help you embrace your path. You can do it. After all, you have connections with so many influential people. I mean, look, you were even on the cover of an inventor magazine. I saw it when I was exploring your house. Can you not see you’re being prepared for such work?” But he then tried to turn it around on me saying what if its your work i know how to make you famous if you want, so you can do this mission instead of me. I said oh no this is your work not mine, we each have our own part to play in it, your not getting out of your work that easy either. We then sat down and did some meditations, and he gave me a special meditation. Then we exchanged contact info made plans to meet in a week from then. I want to add that I am not one to really meditate. I never have really done it , but sometimes when you’re in the presence of someone like him you just kind of go with it and try to not let your leg fall asleep.

A few days later me and Mr Trek met up again. I also was expecting another friend, a man from the States. He is a good friend of my friend, Larry, who was the lawyer for Jewel and had brought me to many of her concerts, even backstage. When he asked me if I could meet up with his friend, Gonga, and his wife I said sure. We all met up at a monkey park. These monkeys were a bit wild and were not to be trusted. Never the less, I wanted to feed them anyway, even though it was a bit risky. I made it out ok. I am always happy to see monkeys. I always dreamed of traveling to Asia some day and meeting the monkeys, but to the people here they are a total nuisance. I heard stories of them climbing buildings up to as high as the 27th floor, climbing in the windows, and raiding the pantry. The would eat all the food, even opening the fridge and trashing the place, having a disco party with all their other monkey friends, all while the person living in the apartment was passed out with headphones in their ears. Who would have suspected the monkeys would go that far or that high up? You could not leave anything outside, either, as it would disappear. If a monkey takes something you’re most likely not going to get it back. They do not care, they will take anything and everything. Sometimes people see strange human objects in trees, such as laptops, cameras, shoes, car keys and teddy bears, etc.

Chapter 5 Up in the Air

Gonga and his wife did not arrive until later that day. They were dressed all in white like the kind of clothes that devotees wear in India and, sure enough, they were living in India visiting Malaysia to do a conference. Gonga was also a Jewel fan and had known her personally. He and his wife had also met many Indian siddhas and were very fascinated with how they lived and their stories. When they were living in the States and pursuing the American Dream both had good jobs and made lots of money, yet they were not happy. So when they went to India and learned about the siddhas they decided to leave their jobs give away all they had for free and live simply on very little. They would no longer live a life focused on money. They would not ask or charge. They would live on donation and simplify their lives. In India it’s very cheap. You can live on $50 (USD) a month, all expenses included. For many years that’s how they lived in India. Then they felt pulled to travel around the world sharing the messages from the siddhas and the potential we all had. They spoke about the abilities lying dormant in us and shared special meditations that often would cost lots of money. They were doing it for free with donation options available. I was invited to their conference as it was being held at the same place we had originally planned to do our workshop in. It was very interesting to observe how Gonga presented his message and how much he really connected with the people. Here is a link about him to learn more.

After their conference we got to talk a bit more. They told me their plans after Malaysia. They would be going to China and then to Japan, and I was welcome to come with them, but I would have to find my own place and make my own way there. It sounded quite intriguing to me. I mean I know I was supposed to go to Bali, but it was still not tangible yet, still up in the air. Losita was easy going and flexible with me. Why was China suddenly appealing, because I never wanted to go there before? It does not seem like a very nice place to be, especially what I have heard and all the repression, but that’s also the exact reason I should go to china. I wanted to know if it was true or if I just thought it was how others say it is, believing what I hear rather than experiencing it for myself. Ok, I heard you can be followed the whole time you’re there and they can give you a hard time if you go to Tibet.. Spirituality is pretty taboo in china. Perhaps it’s not a place for me but then again maybe I can spread some light there?

And Japan, well I think everyone wants to go to Japan. It’s like a living Japanese anime cartoon in itself. It sounds too alien, exciting, fun and serious at the same time, such an intriguing paradox. Is this my chance to finally go to these places? I usually never turn down an offer or chance to explore something new. So I delayed in getting my ticket to Bali. I would wait to see if China and Japan was more meant to be and stronger than Bali. I was even willing to wait last minute to get my flight ticket if need be. In the meantime, I’m not in a rush to make a decision or go to Bali. Instead, I decided to chill more in Malaysia. And Losita flew back to Singapore with her family. We would not see each other again till early October for our next workshop that I had to set up.

I was unsure where I was going to stay in Penang now, as I did not want to stay in the expensive motel that Losita found for us. It was not so bad to split the price but on my own I would not last long. With perfect timing I got a message on Facebook. A girl named Lea wrote me after she read my post about how I was in Malasia and invited me to stay with her for free for as long as I needed. I took her up on the offer. She lived in a beautiful place, very high up in a sky apartment flat that had a huge pool surrounded by lots of nature and lots of monkeys just waiting for you to leave something out that they can steal. I spent my days reading, writing, processing and doing session for clients.

The book I was reading was by R. Buckminister Fuller called “Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth.” It was pretty good, I must say. In my evenings I hung out with my new friend. She was Chinese so I could ask her all my questions about the culture and food and as for working on my Mandarin, well, it’s the same with my Spanish, French, and even English – still needs work. Ok, a lot more work.

In the evenings I got introduced to Persian food, which I really enjoy. It has so much flavor even vegetarian dishes are exciting. Lea took me out to some night markets and even some clubs on the night of her birthday. So it was a bit awkward for me as I felt like I was expected to go, though I really do not like or understand clubs. Everyone there is pretending to be something they are not. Yep, clubs are the same in any country as they are back home in Canada, so why travel and go to them? Same with traveling and staying at a resort where it’s the same as any resort, how boring.

I also stayed in touch with Gizmo and spoke with him a bit, but he was starting to get really hung up on me and asking me about my plans for Bali and that Losita had invited him to go and maybe we could meet up there. He was looking for a way for us to be together, but I felt he was being a bit too possessive, and it was making me uncomfortable. So, I decided to not talk to him as much as we did before. I do not like to talk to people when they always expect me to. That’s a kind of subtle control/manipulation that I know all too well and so I tend to shy away from this. What is the purpose of talking everyday, to prove that we care? Does being involved or even loving someone really mean calling places when you cannot afford the bills? And what if we have nothing to say that day except the cliché, should we say it anyway because it’s expected? It was just too much like my ex to me, and no way was I going to recreate that pattern or relationship. My ex would call me 20 times a day for no reason. Am I glad now that I lost my phone in Thailand. I like to have my space. If people want to contact me they can contact me via the internet or telepathically. Ah, good old fashioned t-mail. Anyone who tries to contain or control me I bolt like a rogue horse.

The next couple days to follow were intense moon times. I had no idea how many retrogrades were going on at that time, but did they ever zap my body and brain. That intense emotional moon retrograde time actually carried on for weeks. I tried to not be at the mercy of it and do something productive and domestic such as an attempt at fixing my clothes via sewing, but I have not sewed since I was in eighth grade when I made my mom some pajamas. When she tried them on they fell apart, and she was left standing bare naked. Now, many years into the future I am still lousy at sewing , cooking and cleaning, and I still do not drive, nor can I spell or do math. But least I can assist with saving the world. Yep, I’m going to make a great mom one day. The kids might starve, but at least they will have lots of love and a better world.

The truth is, I do what I do cause I am lousy at everything else. School, jobs, it seems the thing I am best at is being me. That seems to work for me. I’m good at being honest, and that works for me. I hope my future partner can handle that as most can’t. That’s what is motivating me the most at this time, to just be understood and belong somewhere, to just be me, being free to be. Then perhaps others can be free to be as well. To be understood is key to me. If I can be an example of being free then others can follow suit.

I was unsure about where I was going until the last minute. For a bit I thought I would skip China and go to Japan after Bali or go to Japan first. Then I met up with Gonga again, and he said they are having a hard time establishing themselves out in China and Japan, so it may be tricky for me to come along, and it’s better if I stick to my original plans and go to Bali. I was still having people come out for sessions with me, squeezing in as many as I could with me and their family and friends before I left. Some of them were so grateful they wanted to help me with whatever I needed, even getting a last minute one way ticket to Bali for $100 USD, which was not a bad price.

Mr Trek saw my ticket was for some ridiculous early morning flight and offered for me to stay at his place for the last night as it was closer to the airport than Lea’s place. It was nice to stay in a different place with totally different energy, as I stayed at Lea’s place for about three weeks. It’s weird being at other people’s places as they all have their own unspoken rules. Though most of them are super nice and awesome you never know what and where their buttons are so you’re careful and it feels as if you’re walking on eggshells. It’s so weird how close you can get talking online before even meeting in person. Then you meet in person, you stay for a bit, a couple weeks or a couple months. You become super close then you go on your way and you drift apart somehow. It’s like you’re strangers again and that whole experience you shared was like a dream that you’re not sure if it happened or not? Or maybe it was another lifetime ago? I try to not let this happen but it always seems to, even if there is no falling out, which rarely happens.

It’s a strange thing about living and traveling how I do. I do not like it, but there is nothing I can really do about that part. My last day with Mr. Trek was really good. He and his wife were so awesome. They took me out for Japanese food and I tried saki (Japanese rice wine). Then they took me to the market to get whatever I wanted from the bakery. What’s that green stuff, I will try that. Mr. Trek’s sister came by to say her goodbyes. We bonded, as well, during my brief time there.  We managed to also squeeze in a little drive around some exotic gardens. We just tried to do as much as we could that day. And before I knew it the day flew by, and I was getting ready for bed, being quite bemused at the thought of all the famous monks who had slept in that bed. Would I somehow pick up something from them by sleeping in it as psychometry would suggest? (Psychometry is feeling other people through objects or just by being near something that others used. If you were focused enough you could download all that they knew, felt, saw and experienced.) And, with that thought in mind, I nodded off to sleep. I do not remember the flight at all. I must have spent it processing my time in Malaysia. I ended up really liking that country, especially Penang. That place was really good to me. I am definitely open to going back there one day.

And, the next thing I knew, I was at the Bali airport. Little did i know that this trip to Bali would radically change myself and my life forever.

warm embrace laced in grace

thank you for you being you


we are the answer to our prayers

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Queensland Australia June 2012

Authors note- in some way these blogs can seem silly, not at all what would expect from a mystic. I’m very childlike as you see that’s how i live my life mostly; like a kid. Then their are these real deep thoughts and mystical tendencies that just come out of me randomly and that’s my blog non of it is made up its all true. i refuse to make up or exaggerate anything i want people to see how exciting truth can be and so much more richer then fiction. In truth is the mystical deep stuff can only come from being childlike its the fuel that brings the mysticism up when ever its needed so that’s a secret code i give to people in my blogs something to read in between the lines. its all about perspective and perception.. enjoy my blog 🙂

Chapter 1 The Reunion

Losita and I flew into Queensland together and were promptly picked up by Barb and Hawk. I’ve known them since the first time I went to Australia and attended the Nexus conference where I met Project Camelot. They said I stood out to them the moment they saw me. They said I was glowing and that they suspected there was something about me, so they watched me closely. They were most impressed when the Mitchell Hedges crystal skull was brought out and everyone waited in line for their chance to meet the skull. When it was my turn I sang to it and the whole room stopped and watched me. I did not think anything of it at the time. It was just me having a moment with a crystal skull and doing what came to me in that moment. The crystal skull had visited me in my dreams numerous times. Anyway, I did not know that Barb and Hawk had recorded that moment. It meant a lot to them, so much so that we stayed in touch all this time and in almost every single letter Barb kept enticing me to come and visit her and stay at their lovely place. She took every opportunity to tell me how beautiful it was there and that I must come some day. So when she heard that I was planning to come to Southeast Asia, she jumped at the offer and said, “Jess, Asia is so close to Australia why don’t you come and visit and stay with us? We can even arrange a workshop for you too! We know just the people and places that would be glad to host you.”

I knew this was our time to meet up again.

I think I found a slice of awesomeness in Mt. Warning (aka Fern-Gully, the last rainforest featured in an animated movie called “Ferngully”). It’s breathtaking. The place is helping me with my homesickness as it looks and feels so similar to my home in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

Chapter 2 My Health Diet Evolution

I was also pleased to learn that they have real organic, non-sprayed, non-GMO food, too. Yeah, finally! I was hoping as I traveled that, surely, there was a place out there that has managed to elude this insanity, and here it is. Only thing is when I finally got that kind of food I had already lost interest in it. Maybe it was because Hawk and Barb were omnivores and okay with it, but suddenly I was not around people who were not particular with food having to always be a certain way. With Hawk and Barb, there was no stress with food. They ate whatever they felt like, and there was no guilt or judgment. Now, just because they were flexible with food I do not mean they ate constant junk food or lots of meat, which they did not. It was not such a big deal there. Meals were actually simple, healthy. Not too healthy but not too processed, either. It was a nice balance.

At first I tried to eat healthy, but there is always so much stress that seems to go with eating healthy, psychologically as well as on many other levels. Healthy to me is no stress, something like the Lion King saying Hakuna Matata – no worries. I do not mean ignorance is bliss, either. I just found the less stress I had with food the better I felt. I think the stress of eating not the best food is worse then eating the food itself. In contrast, living in Canada with my ex, I was eating the best food (raw veggies), taking the best supplements, and doing the best yoga exercises, but I was not happy or healthy at all. I was always stressed. So funny how I was no longer in that situation, but a part of my mind was still acting like I was there, and so the same patterns would play out. Such as trying to eat the same way, and do the same yoga.

Most animals do not have guilt when they eat meat. They also do not eat more than they need like we do, nor do they really care about yoga. They do not force themselves to eat three square meals a day having meat every time. I think it’s the over-consumption and fear of the future that is the problem. The greed is a problem, too – the idea that we own everything and have a right to do whatever we want to the animals and plants. That caused us to kill them with no respect, and plants scream, too. We are doing the same thing with our plants in organic gardens now and charging a hefty price calling it healthy, but what about the headspace of the farmers or, even more pressing, our mental space and fears when we consume? Is it a good idea to be in such anxiety with what we eat? To the point that we vomit if we find we consumed a bit of cheese or something or rush to get a colonoscopy or force our kids to get one, too? Am I to believe that’s healthy? Is this how I want to be? How I want to live my life? It’s a form of self-inflicted hell, and I do not want to live my life that way.

Besides, I feel we have it backwards. We cannot heal the body by eating healthy if our mind is a mess. It all starts in the mind. If we are aware of what we are doing to our psyche and the damage and fear there then that would reflect in our body. It’s the only way. I met others who ate whatever and did not have the healthiest habits. But they were clear in their minds and, thus, healthy – more so than me. Wow, what’s up with that? Aside from that, freeing myself from old conditioning’s was important too.

I had to remind myself I am a free and independent woman now. I’m not still in the past. But if that was true, why were the ghosts still there haunting me and acting like an authority of my now moments, confiscating them for some stupid reason I did not yet understand?

Chapter 3 Barb & Hawk

I took my mind off of this for a bit as we pulled into Hawk and Barb’s driveway. We talked the whole way there. The conversation was so natural and smooth like I had known them my entire life. Where they lived was just breathtaking. Up in the mountains so green and lush and birds, oh the birds! Bright colored ones sang such exotic sounds I have not heard before, and it was much warmer than in Melburrrrn. The energy was much more peaceful. I could actually breathe and think here. I sat outside a lot just enjoying the energy of the place. Inside the house there were statues: Egyptian sarcophaguses, famous Egyptian deities, and a crystal skull family. They were not kidding when they said they had a special fondness for crystal skulls. There were a couple of huge ones and some baby ones. Upstairs there was an epic library and a dark blue room. There was a games room, too, made to look like an Indiana Jones cave that had all the collectibles and memorabilia you can imagine. I loved this room, especially in the night when the black light lit the pool table that makes white glow with a tinge of semi-blue in the dark. Oh, how I loved wearing the Indiana Jones coat and hat everywhere we went and playing with that whip (whipshhhh as the theme song played in my head).

Hawk and Barb are very warm and friendly, but guarded people. Barb is originally from the States and was a former personal assistant to Tony Robbins himself. But I do not think it went very well, or he is not who others think he is. I can tell there is some frustration coming from her when she talks about him and that time in her life. Barb is an amazing artist, as well. She specializes in dots, lines and squiggles that make up extremely detailed depictions of nature and old buildings in the small town she lives and is most fond of. They are exact replicas of the landscapes that take a long time to draw. It boggles my mind how someone can have such a clear vision of the bigger picture from dots and lines and make such complex, elaborate drawings.

Hawk is a very sensitive man born and raised in Australia. He loves animals and is like a gentle, tender, playful kid. They both are guarded, though, because they have a connection with a being that most of the town would not be ready or able to handle, and because they are so different and march to the beat of their own drum. They keep to themselves. That’s a big reason I think they wanted me to come and stay with them. They knew they could be themselves with me and talk to me about anything and vice versa. There would be no judgment of any kind. Now I am used to people telling me the most outlandish things to the point that little shocks me, the most out-there topics are my norm. I truly feel we live in an infinite universe layered and connected to many dimensions, parallels, timelines and so forth. People are universes and worlds in themselves, able to access all kinds of different radio stations that others may not, though if you’re around them enough and if you’re sensitive you may find a new connection open up and you can tune into that dormant radio station in you.

Chapter 4 The Spirit of Jim Lives

It’s been over 10 years since the ghost of Jim Morrison began speaking and living with Hawk and Barb. It was a strange thing because Hawk did not even know much about Jim. He just thought he was a drunken crazy rock star until he came to him one day in a Reiki channel workshop. It took a while but they built up a friendship and an understanding. Jim wanted nothing from Hawk, just to share more about his life and experience of a life beyond through the means of poetry. He simply wanted Hawk to write for him. Jim felt annoyed that he was misunderstood in his life as Jim and wanted to clarify things. He and The Doors were not just about drugs, sex and rock and roll. It was more metaphysical and poetic. I, myself, do understand how annoying and frustrating it is to be misunderstood. You try all your life to find the right words, the right metaphor to explain something, and yet, somehow, you still end up being misunderstood. Or, in Jim’s case, you pass on and that desire is still there so you continue doing the same thing on the other side. Jim said it was just like his song: “Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side. The band’s name, itself, The Doors, refers to the many dimensional doors that there are. Jim has proven to them that he is who he says he is numerous times with sharing events that were to happen and then they did. There were also private, personal, secret things about his life that only the closest people knew about Jim only to find it had been revealed right after Jim’s spirit shared it with them.

Jim is a friend in their house. He would come and go, and it was natural. He never spooked them or did anything like we think a ghost usually does. There are all kinds of spirits out there with different personalities and characters – some are tricksters, some are confused, some are lost, and some are just plain angry, while some are gentle and only want to create and share. Again, we have to watch ourselves with definitions and stereotypes, even in the spirit world. Whether it was really Jim or not, no-one can really say. It was a harmless, equal relationship that bent space and time. Jim is a poet and even in the spirit world he is still a poet and wants to continue to write and, due to some mysterious connection, he has chosen Hawk to write for him. Hawk jokes and says I am a ghost writer for a ghost. Together they wrote a book called More Joy Rising (which is a play on words as it’s actually an anagram, a way to say Jim’s name by rearranging the letters).

In the book there are many deep poems. Hawk read some of them to me, and I was really moved by the beauty, the sincerity and the rawness of the poems and the tears down Hawk’s eyes as he read. It was like having a door to look inside the real Jim. (ha – excuse the pun). I should share here that I did not know much about Jim Morrison myself. I just thought he was some rock star. I never saw the movie about him and did not know any of his songs or, I did know the songs but I did not know they were by him. The lyrics, melodies or voice never stood out to me at all. So I got to know Jim through Hawk and Barb. I got to know him not as a crazy rock star, but a mystical being. He was a poet who had so much to share, and who is very loving and considerate.

I am so used to just not hiding anything and sharing whatever. I thought, Why don’t they go public with this? They had tried before in their small, simple-minded town full of rednecks, which are known as bogons here in Australia. Hawk and Barb were met with great opposition and judgment, even conflict that led to them being more ostracized, so they had to keep more to themselves. Hawk was frustrated with this. Why was he chosen to do this work with Jim if the world was not ready and would only end up making his life more difficult and complex? Ok, people are not ready for this so what is he to do in the mean time? How does one live with this? I could understand. I imagine my dad felt the same way: What to do when you’re getting information that is ahead of your time, or outside/beyond our time? And you live in an area of dead heads? So I suggested putting it up on YouTube for the ones who could benefit from this message and understand they would be led to it as this is how it went for me. It was powerful listening to Hawk read Jim’s words out loud. Most of the time Hawk would get emotional and tear up, it was clear that they had a very special relationship and a huge love for one another. And Barb, being the great supportive partner that she is, stood by and supported her man no matter how out there it all got. Now I understood why there were ghostly faces of Jim all around their property and sometimes even on random rocks on the sides of the road.

Chapter 5 The Cave & The Eo & The Castle on the Hill

After a few days of relaxing and lying low we were taken out to see some of the nature – the forests, the mountains, the wildlife, some caves and waterfalls where Hawk played when he was a kid. This particular place was a sealed-in cave but because of many years of water pouring on the roof a hole was formed and the water found its way through to spread its watery message to the cave, which inspired and beckoned the glow worms to claim real estate and disco in that cave. On the way back, Hawk saw a porcupine – or an echidna in Australia. I, for some reason, got so excited and dyslexic when I saw it, that I called it an enchilada, which made everyone laugh. Hawk went out to try to make sure it moved safely across the road and then made an attempt to catch it, but he needed gloves. It was a very strong creature it dug itself in a log shyly hiding its face quills up and was un-moveable.

On the weekend in the evening, Losita and I were brought to a place known as Castle on the Hill. It was the location where we would do our workshop the following week, and we were invited to check out the place and meet the people that were going to host us. I was told everyone was so excited to have Jessica Mystic there with them to be present during their full moon meditation. I chose to lie down like some others chose to do, and I said “Ok, I’m going to leave my body now.” Apparently there were four long meditations done in a row with loud singing bowls, but I did not know any of this because I was sleeping so deeply and snored so loud, I was louder than the singing bowls, and I was told they were extremely loud. They were trying to blare out my snoring, but to no avail. Apparently, I just snored even louder as if some part of me was in a competition with those bowls to see who could make the most noise. Poor Losita was embarrassed and kept poking me trying to wake me up, but I did not wake up, not until the end of the meditation. And I said, “Oh, wow, that was a short meditation. It must be time for a break or something. Is it half-time?” Losita just rolled her eyes, laughed and said, “No, it’s all done. You slept through the whole thing and everyone is shocked to believe that Jessica Mystic could do such a thing.”

Then came the day that Eo arrived. We all went to the airport to pick him up. Hawk and Barb warmly received Eo, everyone got along so well, and we just had lots of fun. I can honestly say we pretty much all just laughed most of our time together. Eo attended the workshop for free. I decided to make him cameraman, though, and I would invent jobs for Eo just to keep him around as much as I could.

Chapter 6 On My Workshop

I have always been hesitant to do workshops. So many people asked me to and suggested I do them, but I declined. Mainly I declined because I did not understand the concept of teaching or explaining what I did and how it worked. No words can explain how I work, it exists beyond words. How do you teach something that you just know?

I always imagined if I ever did a workshop it would be like play or hanging out with me for the day and conversing with trees, or learning the perspective and view of life through a rain drop. You cannot teach that. You can only be reminded of what you once knew and how you lived when you were a kid. Nowadays, either you get it or you don’t. You’re either open and willing to go beyond your tunnel vision or you’re not. The ones who cannot do this, I feel, do not want to be reminded of their original heartbreak, of when they once knew, and when they said adieu to it all. But then we can ask ourselves why can some do it and others can’t? The answer to me has always been Soul Archeology, which is what I called the workshop. It’s about being able to trust ourselves and not fear the unknown and what we get. It’s about digging deep inside yourself and not being afraid to get your hands dirty in order to understand what’s beyond or behind the idea of you and all that you peruse. How do you get people to see and understand that so they are no longer in their own way?

In order to help you better understand my attempt to demonstrate what I do and what I am about, I will provide a brief skeletal layout. The first day was mainly focused on some questions we asked each person publicly such as:

1) What has brought you here?

2) What are your big questions in life, personal and general?

3) What do you love to do?

4) What would you be doing with your life if money was no object?

5) When you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up?

6) What is stopping you from doing what you want to do right now?

7) What is your relationship with the challenge?

8) What are your feelings behind the challenge?

9) Where is this feeling coming from?

10) What are your deepest challenges? For instance, guilt, shame, fear, etc…

11) What do you think are the expectations the world and your family have of you?

12) Are those expectations true and are they you? Is that truly in your heart how you want to live?

13) What do you know in your heart that you want to do, meaning what does freedom look like to you?

14) Why do you want to achieve this?

15) Is this for your own personal gain or integral gain?

Then about here I would talk about how real manifesting works which is not what people think. I made a video about it in Thailand that is on Youtube that you can refer to if need be. Then we would ask more questions to each person such as:

16) Who am I at this time? Who do I think I am? How does the world see me? How and why do others see me as something I am not?

And deeper and deeper we would go. Like I said, it’s like archeology. We would have to dig to go past all the layers, the smoke and mirrors we tell ourselves in order to get to the root. Then we would get into fear and how it is an acronym for false evidence appearing real. By this time, everyone was pretty shaken up and emotional as they see most of their dreams and goals are not even theirs and how they forgot their true dreams and how they used to live and be. They start to see that their life did not go as they wanted because of direct and indirect fears getting in the way. They can see how those fears were disguised as love or various other things, and because of this the people can clearly see how we manifested a co-creative collective nightmare, a living nightmare.

This is where we would talk about the Illuminati, but not making them into enemies. Rather, we would examine how we feed them and how there is no “them,” how it’s all a mirror of what’s going on inside of us. We start to realize it does not have to be this way, that as quick as we can become lucid in a dream and know we are dreaming and change things like the story I share of how I ended up working on a cruise ship. I share that story at about this part of the workshop which shows how as quickly as we get ourselves into a situation we can get ourselves out. We have to do this collectively. By doing this you have to see fear as a teacher and a friend.

Then I would talk about making fear fun like in the third Harry Potter movie. The kids in that movie had to learn how to deal with an entity that would take on the kid’s worst fears. They would use a counter spell. For example, one kid’s worst fear was spiders, so there appeared before him a giant spider. The counter spell was Ridiculous! And when the kid yelled “Ridiculous!” the giant spider suddenly had roller skates on its eight legs and was flailing around trying to stay upright, which made everyone laugh and dissolved the fear. That’s one way laughter can calm you down and keep you clear.

The next part is to understand why it’s there to begin with. We would ask some more questions such as:

17) What’s your relationship with your outer and inner fear?

18) What is the opportunity you’re getting from your fear?

19) What is the dark night of the soul?

20) Why do you think it keeps happening to us over and over?

21) What do you think fear of spirits really is?

Here I would get into the psychology of what’s really happening when we experience fears and how we can deal with dark magic and psychic fear, and what is going on behind it. Then I would end this by saying it is imperative to transcend fear and include the dark in the beautiful, as it is a part of our whole experience. To discard it is to discard a part of ourselves.

Then I would get into healing and ask what is healing, how and why does it work the way it does, what are the different levels of healing, what does it really mean when someone has addictions and depression? In actuality we all have this in one way or another, like energy blocks. Finally, I would move into understanding multidimensional aspects of healing, such as how to move beyond time and space, I also call it time travel healing and I do my best to explain how that works, exactly. And that would be the end of the first day. We always went overtime as it’s a jam-packed day, and so many people share all kinds of things.

Day two was focused on questions like who am I and who we are – the micro and macro of ourselves. This involves understanding our star connection and star memories as, after all, we are all made from atoms and no one is from earth. Then we talked about dream work including psychic and lucid dreaming, I also shared some of my stories about visiting with others in their dreams and also in the astral realm. I talked about bringing back wisdom from the dream realm. One time I even shared how people could bring back physical objects.

We talked about how to remember your dreams and decode them and what happens behind the scenes in a dream. We talked about nightmares, understanding them, and how to view them and what to do when you get them. We discussed the difference between a nightmare and alien or government abduction; the astral realm and what it is about, why it’s there and what’s going on within it; NDE (Near Death Experience but a better way to describe it as a Near Life Experience.)

After that I would share about merging tangible thoughts with intangible thoughts, what they mean, and where they come from. When you put them together we have ideas that revolutionize the world. For example, Albert Einstein imagined what it was like to ride on a beam of light. That’s an intangible thought, and most of us have been discouraged from having thoughts like and told those thoughts are crazy and whimsical, but he merged it with something tangible. Tangible thoughts include things such as math and physics and because of merging the two he came up with the theory of relativity. Because of Einstein merging those thoughts the world has grown leaps and bounds technologically – but not emotionally, which is a big problem and backwards. A world cannot continue this way, otherwise it will lead to our demise, so we must flip it and to do that we must use and fuse our intangible thoughts with our tangible ones. We all get these visions and insights, but our intent and our ability to trust and clearly decipher this is determined by taking our visions from inspiration to creation.

Then I would share about oneness of mind and how its all connected and looped by micro and macro. If you can understand the micro of, say, a cell then you can understand the macro of a galaxy, but you cannot think or access such insight without integrity and authenticity. By this I mean doing what you want or what the universe wants of you. And that brings us into the paradox of destiny versus freewill and the oxymoron of these two co-existing. We do this by aligning our thinking with the forest’s ways of thinking and not society’s demented and deranged ways.

Here we can see the purpose of the new clear children being born who are labeled indigo, crystals and starseeds. It is important to understand who they are, why they are here, and what their role is at this time. We all need to know how to rear them or let them rear and un-learn us. We need to understand why they are born to certain families, what is the behind the scenes process of choosing your family and coming here at this time.  Have you ever wondered why so many of them are labeled with disabilities and given medication?  I also share how their and are sensitivity and insecurities have ramifications on the collective.

Now ask yourself what did you bring here to this life from all your different lives? What did you bring from your cosmic lives here? We have to understand how every lifetime you have ever lived – human and non-human – has prepared you for this life which is about you becoming aware and having the ability to manage all those lives simultaneously in this one. Think of it as some serious multi-tasking which is what we do when dreaming, but it’s easier with these new children because the mind is not so much in the way.

That’s it. That’s the whole workshop. As you can see, it’s a jam-packed, two-day intensive, and we always run out of time which is why the idea of extending it to a five-day retreat in Bali seemed to make more sense as I would feel very exhausted after every workshop.

This actual workshop in itself was our most successful one yet, but also very intense as when we started to do the soul archeology into the fears part a woman had suppressed memories of some very disturbing things. She found she was a part of something like Satanist blood ritual cults that made her burst into hysterical tears which ended up effecting Eo, too. He was feeling her pain, so I excused both of them to go and Eo held her as it all came out of her, and then after that she was more open. I love watching the before and after of people so closed off at first and slowly stepping out of their comfort zone and coming more into themselves to the point that they are never the same in a good way. I had someone say that they had grown more in those two days of our intensive workshop. Even the host, who had done many workshops at the Castle on the Hill, was moved to tears, which no previous workshop had been able to do. She then felt inspired that maybe I could get through to her husband and open his heart, as he seemed to be closed off from others.  Her husband, named Robert, was a complex and tough artistic scientist who is trying to bring the two worlds together in an academic way where it could hopefully be taken more seriously – more on him later.

Some parents brought their kids to sit in and just listen. It was good to have children at my workshop. I always get reminded as I see them picking their noses so freely without hesitation or caring that they and animals and plants are the real spiritual teachers. Though these kids were young, about 4 and 6, they sat very quietly through the whole two days absorbing everything and occasionally stopping their drawing or coloring projects to give me knowing smiles. So, I can inform you that the age range of this particular workshop was from ages 4 to 70.  There was also a young man named Gizmo who had a thick scientific mind, and he knew to grow in his science he must not discount the spirit side. Being aware of his skeptic stubborn mentality, I could not help but bug him whenever I could in order for him to remember what he once knew and bridge the gap between the two sides of his brain.

Losita and I actually made a really good team. We seemed to compliment each other and add to what the other was saying so well it felt very natural. No struggle to talk or wait till the other was done. It just flowed very easily. When one was tongue-tied the other suddenly knew what the other was thinking and shared it right away. We were also quite the comic duo. Here is a little preview of what our workshop was like –

Astral Travel, Dream Walking & Sleep Paralysis With Jessica Schab & Losita

Soul Archeology & Journey To Spirit : Workshop Day 1 : Introduction

In the middle of our workshop I learned that one of the young men a few years older than Eo had flown out from Adelaide to come to my workshop, and he had nowhere to stay that was not going to cost him a pretty penny so I asked Barb if he could stay with us. She agreed, so he got to stay with us for free. We had the space, after all, and that’s how Harry ended up staying with us. During that time it was like we were all one big family laughing and teasing each other all the time. It really is a memory I will always treasure. All the laughs and jokes, the bonding – life was great, and I could not remember the last time I was this happy.

Chapter 7 Gizmo

Then, one night Gizmo came over. He was the skeptic scientist inventor from my workshop. And he was having some ah-ha moments of his own with his inventions ever since the workshop. He was playing around with radiant energy and was finding ways to integrate the spirit of the metaphysical into his work to go further into it, as he knew he could only go so far without the metaphysical aspect. His work is along the lines of Tesla and Bedini and John Searl. Science and spirit must marry. His invention was recently creating different color energy sparks over certain people’s hearts. It would be green, blue or red and sometimes purple. I think it was about this time that I started to develop a bit of a crush on Gizmo, well maybe a little during the workshop, as well. I just could not help making the link between the left and right brain. Maybe I felt talking to him and getting through to him with these things was like getting through to my oldest brother, Lee, who is very left brain oriented. Or maybe it was to take my mind off of my ex, and so the flirting and sparking continued. I do not think I was aware at that time, but Losita was, and she started bugging me about it – then Barb, then Eo, then Harry. Soon, everyone knew but poor Gizmo. I was a bit baffled myself. How could I develop a crush on him? In some ways Gizmo is similar to my ex. I mean, was I not trying to get away from him and that kind of energy? So, why did I manifest the same kind of person again? Even the first Australian guy I met in the Philippines was a similar story. A party guy barfly, but I was not into partying so what gives? Gizmo did not understand me. I knew that, so of course it would not work. He did not know about my world, and what I actually did.

Should I try to share it with him to get him to understand? It may even open him up to actual life and all the possibilities so he could see first-hand just how much truth was stranger than fiction and, thus, tie it to his work so free energy could be realized in the world through him as well? As far as I was concerned, the more people we had working on free energy the better. Oh, the potential this guy had. But how far do I go to bring it out or justify to myself this silly crush? Every time he came over I would kind of lose myself and become flirty, fluttery and hyper. At one point it was obvious. I could not control it, or I did not want to control it. I wanted to enjoy being free to flirt and just be a girl. It’s so rare in my life that I have been able to do that as most of the time the mystic comes first and relationships and crushes were like my human vacation. But how could I balance them both? I even would get embarrassed easy, and my cheeks would flush red like a tomato, which is not me at all. For those who know me it takes a lot for me to get embarrassed. I want to add I was never alone with him. The whole time we hung out there was always Eo, my groupie, my chaperone afro-puff, or whatever strange name that came to me to refer to him which were always terms of endearment, of course. The silent witness of it all, it was most amusing to him to see me act this way. Gizmo and I also spent lots of time working on my pool skills in the black-lit homage to Indiana Jones den.

Gizmo ended up being the guy to take Eo and I out to see more of the town, as Hawk and Barb were most content being home buddies/bodies. We did this hike into a creek at Gizmo’s place. As we walked in the water we found tons of leaches attached to our feet. Eww. I was also introduced to Gizmo’s dad, who was in lots of pain most of the time. I tried to do what I could to help his dad who had suffered a horrific motorbike accident and was put back together in a very barbaric way with metal screws being put in the wrist which was very painful, even more so than the actual injury. It could never fully heal, and I can’t imagine how it must have felt when the weather gets very cold or very hot and how uncomfortable that must have been to have a big metal thing inside your body. I tried to do what I could. I offered some suggestions with diet and yoga. I did some Jessages and energy work, but he was a stubborn guy and some vices were not so easy to let go of for him, but the guy did manage to make progress with my help. Whenever I would do a healing, my hands would generate so much heat that it was not necessary to build a fire in the house to keep it warm as it was so cold in the nights there, but not as cold as Melburrrn. My energy would get so hot that it kept the house warm for days. I myself would burn up from such internal generated heat (much like how Anastasia would burn up after doing a healing, as well). I later learned that I have to be careful when I do this as I am one of the few who run the risk of spontaneously combusting due to the high amounts of natural body radiation I emit. Um, yeah, that’s good to know. I don’t want to go and explode randomly one day, leaving nothing left but a leg and ashes. That would not be very fun.

Gizmo even took us whale watching. You take a boat and watch as blue whales jump out of the water performing their mating dance. I have never been this close to a whale before. I have always wanted to do something like this, so it was pre