Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

Bali Blog Part 4 Mamma Mia -Dec 2012- April 2013

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First off it is highly suggested in order to better understand the content that you start at Bali blog part reading them in chronological order is highly recommended, or you will not get the full effect of the content.

Second I know so many of you said in regards to my last blog titled, Bali part 3 What if Love is Not the Final Destination? Jess how come you did not warn us how much off the deep end you were going to go? I know it took you all by surprise but that was the point I did hint in the intro that I wanted to pull the rug from under your feet regarding our ideas of relationships, love stories, and the cliché as that is how it exactly happened for me so you can get an idea on what it was really like for me. I guess I should have prepared people a little bit for the out there content but I felt that people mostly know me as someone that understands the mystical so that should be enough I thought, but i guess I was wrong.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I actually did not get to include all my notes and thoughts behind the title for the last blog, I simply ran out of space and had no place to fit in some chapters in the last blog so I decided since it is a major topic that I would include bits and pieces of it in this blog and in blogs to come. That’s the nice thing about writing for yourself first you get to do it how ever way you like and others get to experience the results of the flow of your thought. (I always tell myself no one will ever see these blogs so there is no filter then after it’s done I share it with the world. I have been blogging in this way for about 8 years now and they are all here in my blog section for who ever is curious about my blogs prior to my arrival in Bali and the new age drivel I was caught up in.)

The thing that is also tricky in including such thoughts is that its controversial and could be taken in various ways such as oh she is just bitter on the idea of love which is not true. Its more like I am annoyed with how we have been taught to think of love and that alone is worth exploring rather then continuing to feed such notions and illusions.

The other aspect is that just because I am in a relationship with someone very unique does that mean I should assume that others should want to have a similar relationship or model theirs like ours thinking that’s the way to be?

No, I am not saying that either I know each relationship is different but I do know that most of our values/ideals in a relationship are the same and its these very values/ideals that destroy so many relationships as we never get to know the person rather we look at them through our own values/ideals and have a hard time seeing past that.

The following blog is all the events and realizations that happened to me and through me around Dec 12- April 2013 in which my mother came to visit. In this blog I also share some of Diego’s back-story of his early life and his mother.

This blog is also very controversial but not in the same way as the lost blog this one is a bit more tougher due to some letters and questions Diego and I received from people who are following these blogs it seems there is still so many misunderstandings on what we are about and what we are getting at so hopefully this blog will shed more light and dark on some things so as to maintain the unknown, balance, so others may have a better understanding of our relationship better. But keep in mind I am writing these with 2 minds the mind I had while I was in my confusion and my less confused mind now. So I suggest doing your best to try to distinguish between which version of myself I am speaking from as it fluctuates through out the blog. I do this so you can understand confusion and how it works.

Also I am not making Diego out into a guru this is the last thing he wants, he often says he is not important and is nothing and he wants to stay that way. There is nothing wrong with being nothing he does not know why so many are afraid of this being nothing.

What I share about Diego is not to promote Diego, or to put him on a pedestal; he does not want people writing him thinking he is spiritually advanced, enlightened or a master or what ever. If you write him about something like that he will not respond as you have totally missed the point. Diego and I just want people to look at the content and the examples not the person. The people are irrelevant please do not fall into this pothole. I also want people to know that I am not putting myself down or Diego on a pedestal in these blogs all though it may seem that way, I am simply sharing my dismantling process of how I thought at the time, the process and the phases of such conditioned thinking as this is also how many people think as well when faced with such experiences.

But I should warn you that do not be surprised by reading this blog that you find yourself in the dismantling process as well. This is also the longest blog I have written so far as I am now longer writing 2 months at a time but 5 months so this is jam packed with 5 months of my life explained as best I could.

This blog is the most intense one I have written so far so it is suggested to read it slowly, to pace yourself while attempting to digest and wrap your head around the content, or I am pretty sure you will find yourself with a headache.

Another reason I titled this blog as ‘Mamma Mia’ as it is an Italian word/term for when a person realizes that they are in over their head in something of a huge psychological tidal wave; and also because in this blog I talk about both mine and Diego’s mother and the intensity and shocking aspects of those concepts as well.

The best way for me to describe this blog and what your in for is to picture that your at the beach, there are many comforts and familiarities around you then you see the water of the ocean start to recede; and at first your perplexed your trying to understand what is going on only to see looming in front of you a huge tidal wave and all you can say is ‘Mamma Mia’ as you know your about to get swept away and pummeled as well. This blog is that huge tidal wave not just for me but also for all of you. It will make more sense to you as you read though and get hit by that wave. The next blogs are about me/man kind being pummeled by that wave until we understand how to surf it; so without further adieu… surfs up.


Chapter: 1: It’s a Confused Universe After All

It was raining pretty heavy, it was about 9pm, and rainy season had come early to Bali. The rain was falling like thick ropes from the roofs. When it rains it not only pours here but also brings about the green snakes they are everywhere and they have no fear of humans you have to be attentive, you have no choice, because a green snake could be laying on the path or patch and grass and will not move if they hear you coming. If they bite you its pretty fatal your only given about 4 seconds to live, you do not even get to finish off your scream or swear while in shock on your way to exit this life. Death never seems to be considerate, or ask permission, it does not care it just comes in its many shapes and forms.
I spotted a green snake folded up by the pond in their classic figure 8 pose which is what they do when they are focusing in on their desired prey in order to hypnotize them. These green snakes make the frog think it’s seeing another frog when it looks at the snake. The frog is not able to tell it’s a snake until its too late. While the snake is consuming the frog; it makes a particular noise that lets all the frogs know that there is snake here. The sound does not sound like typical frog croak but that of a baby bird it has fooled me a couple of time, though snakes only come out at night and birds always grow silent when the sun starts its decent.
I am always fascinated how the frogs go to the pond every night to sing knowing full well there is danger of snakes but that does not stop them from going anyway. If we humans knew there was danger at the pond we would most likely not go. But the frogs know and yet they do not care they sing anyway for their slimy sleek lady fare and if one frog dies that night then that is ok it happens. Imagine if the frogs did not go to the pond because they were afraid of snakes? Or they refused to sing because it would also attract the snakes? They would not be able to breed and their species would die out. Its because they are not afraid that they are evolving but we humans are afraid, we are afraid of everything, even illusions and so we forget to even begin our life especially when it comes to facing living and thinking in the unknown.

Diego was sitting out on the porch near me silently smiling clearly enjoying the heavy rain and the loud crack of thunder all while drawing a picture and with out looking up he said, “who do you think knows more about an earthquake and how to survive one, a scientist or a tree?” He answered for me before I had a chance to respond, “its the tree.” “Of course it’s the tree that knows more and most people know this even scientists, yet they do not think about these things when they build houses. For example here in Bali when a person wants to build a house here they buy some land in the jungle and cut down all the trees, then build. It makes much more sense to build around the trees, or better yet to build with trees inside the house. There are ways to build so as to not interfere with the growth of the tree and to make sure the tree gets everything it needs so as not to be a problem to the house either and if an earthquake comes its more likely for the house to be more stable.”
I then got up to see what he was drawing; it was a picture of a house built around and with trees inside it. “Its stupid to cut them down when we can co work with the trees so as to be in mutual exchange with each other. A tree is not confused people are, that is why people feel better when around trees. Not to mention they are the lungs of the planet, non-confusion is a breath of fresh air to me. ” Diego said.

This set off a chain of thoughts in my head and I replied with, “Indeed Diego, it is sad that humans do not think about trees and so many other things to. We are not thinking its true, in a way trees are alien to us to, somehow they are more alien to us then aliens themselves, in which we live with them but really know nothing about them. Heck I bet even Extra Terrestrials themselves know more about trees then us. It’s good thing there are aliens here such as the Pleiadians for example guiding us telepathically, helping us connect to feel the energy of them so we can regain the lost knowledge. “
Diego immediately responded to this new age confusion statement with, “I’m sorry Jessica, but is that what you honestly think aliens are here to do? Are you sure that is your thought and own feeling or did it come from somewhere someone else?” he challenged.
“Well, I stammered, “I guess in further challenging this thought of mine I can not say I totally believed it, but I have been intrigued by such a notion. As to think in such a way is pretty exciting after all. But I guess we can say that the down side to this is that many people do believe it.”
I then explained to Diego the whole gambit of the star beings that are commonly talked about in the new age circuit, that are said to be involved with this planets affairs.
“The Pleiadains, so many here claim to be a Pleiadian. I myself have even been thought to potentially be Pleiadian perhaps because it sounds nicer then being a human, it’s a way for many to escape reality actually. However though many saw me as a Pleiadain because I shared my similarities and my dads stories about them. Many perceived that as a special connection I might have had with the Pleiadians, thus many saw me as a Starseed, and I thought ok if this is the way to get through to people then I will be their starchild or what ever but I always cautioned people about the labels/titles as it always made me nervous.
I honestly could never find myself embracing this fully, it always felt like fragmentation to me, I am this but I am not that.
There are also the Sirians, the Andromedians, Arcturians, Orions, Zeta Rectilians, Reptilians, and so on.” I then went into some of the information I had collected on them. I even showed pictures of the Pleiadians mostly Billy Meier images, to which Diego just laughed in a tragic comic sort of way.
“Can I tell you one of my suspicions about the Pleiadains Diego? I asked. These are not really Pleiadians, I think they are actually Germans, most likely natzi’s they had technology like that for a while now and it was an experiment making people think they are aliens, people are being conned yet again. I am surprised people do not see it, as its pretty obvious, they rather believe they are some divine beings.”
“That is correct he confirmed, Pleiadians do not look like that and they are mostly predators, people get an idea of what one alien looks like from one place, mixing it with Hollywood/sex appeal ideals. Then someone makes a few pictures, another claims to channel them, others believe it, and then people end up thinking that Pleiadians all look like that; and of course its always the human from as that is what is most sexually appealing and inspiring in a savoir ideal. I do not think people realize how big the Pleiadies cluster is nor how vast life forms are.”
“But do you think Diego, I asked him, people actually are channeling these E.T. beings or guides, like so many claim they are, which happens to be so convenient at this time? Or maybe you think its just people natural schizophrenia that they are exploiting that is making them think this again?”
Diego replied with, “Ok lets think about this, if people were channeling E.T.’s or what ever, if you wanted to get a message to someone on another planet you would be very selective right? Most of these so-called channelers are pretty messed up you can see that, as they give advice to others but they cannot manage their own life, so they end up exploiting others.
Its kind of curious how the ET’s do not choose a poor person in a developing country to channel them no they choose a Hollywood film writer like Bashar, how convenient.”
So even if it is actually E.T.’s there is a mathematic law that if the person is confused then the alien must be as well, so its not like they are bad or evil like some tend to claim, just that they are also confused. It’s like the blind leading the blind.”
“Wait, I interjected as I was not sure if I was hearing him right, are you saying E.T.s can be confused to? I thought they were more advanced then us, beyond confusion if you will?”
Diego’s reply was, “Maybe they are more advanced in technology like we have progressed in our technology but look at our psyche it’s still the same, even after thousands of years. It’s very possible it’s the same with them. Perhaps they are channeling people for answers to, that they are searching as well, but not for what we think.”
“No, Diego how can you make such a claim that E.T.’s are stuck the same way we are? I mean that is a bold claim the universe is vast.
The ETs are curious about us though right? They do seem to be fascinated with us there must be a reason I mean take alien abductions for example.
I said, how many people used to write me about their abductions they want answers. They are frightened of the unknown; they feel violated, while some feel special because of it. They feel like they are chosen for something, perhaps it’s linked to their purpose in this cosmic kerfuffle conflict going on for who knows how long, that they now have a chance to correct or maybe to partake in the story of human off world endeavors. Do you call that confusion to?”
His reply was, “Confusion is indeed old. Confusion makes us petty, where there is pettiness there is confusion and beliefs and where theirs is confusion and beliefs there is pettiness. Sigh so boring he said. Humans think the universe is love and divine its not, the universe cares non for that kind of thinking. Tell me where is love in the universe? Do people watch the stars have they seen how one galaxy will eat another is that love or is that evil, or is that just our conditioned mind thinking for us again?
It’s not about being special. Abductions happen to a large percent of the population its true, but they are not special or chosen it’s nothing like that; its just random, and it must be that way.”
“Oh you mean like if a rat was being tested in a lab it was selected randomly?” I suggested feeling a bit confident like I was finally getting it. “Yes exactly like that. Its nothing to do with divine or good or evil or any of that stupid stuff Jess; the ETs that do abductions only they want to understand why people are so confused. I looked at him with a confused facial expression, so he continued.
If you saw some animals acting crazy constantly destroying them-selves and the planet then you would be nervous right, you would think it was some kind of an illness or virus right? You would be concerned about this spreading to other worlds perhaps your own, so naturally you would have to quarantine them which is what is has been done here. You would then have to monitor these crazy animals to, perhaps even come up with some devices to help them evolve or overcome such a virus of confusion that makes one insane; such as chip for example. Something that could help the crazy animals to recover so as to have a better chance to maybe evolve or at least understand what else they can do?
What would you do if you were them watching helplessly knowing how contagious it is, how easy it is to get this confusion virus, how already many other beings are effected by this in this universe alone?”
“Well, I said, first off I find that a bit hard to grasp the idea that this whole universe and all the worlds in it, you mean to tell me all of them are confused? And if they are confused then you’re also insinuating that they are in a limbo as well stuck like us? So basically to you this whole universe is a mad house? But there are some that are less mad that experiment on others, like how we experiment on animals, but we are also crazy and absent minded while we do it; many are even not considerate, selfish and cruel. How do you know this Diego? This is a bold statement to make.”
“I just do,” he said.
“So is that what you mean you want to get out? Are you referring to not this planet but this universe of madness?
Is it really that contagious? And if this is true how did this happen?” Diego responded with, “that is a huge question and the reason why I write and speak so much. I have been trying to understand this confusion all my life and trying to get others to understand it as well. I have always been able to smell confusion in the air.”
“Then what you write is not just for humans then.” I said…
His response was, “It’s for anyone, anything and any being that wants to get out as well. But the most challenging thing is not so much reaching others its getting through to them when they are all so busy in other things, in their distractions, confusions, illusions, dramas, beliefs, and answers that have abducted their very life and mind which is another limbo. This is a more serious and pressing abduction not the ETs abductions.”
There is a reason why there has not been a public ET landing on earth and that is because most of the ET’s are scared of people, they are scared to be contaminated by them and their confusion virus. The only ET’s that humans can attract are predators, that have been here that work behind the scenes accelerating the destruction of the human species, as it seems this is what human species wants and keeps striving for by insisting to hold onto their idiotic beliefs.

At that moment I recalled the many conversations we had about nature spirits that according to him are not nature spirits at all he just calls them animals. I started to think about what Diego shared with me about their world, and it got me wondering and I asked. “Why don’t you try to go to the nature spirit world instead then, rather then have to deal with the mess of this world? I myself always wanted to go there and live with them. At least it would be better there then here. So what about that realm is that a limbo to?”
“It is, he said, sure they do not have a lot of the stupid problems there that we have here, such as paying the bills and wars and such but its still a limbo, and why would you want to escape one limbo and go to another just because the cage is bigger or different then the last one? It’s like switching from one belief system to another. Such an action does not help one understand the prison limbo at all and actually amplifies and spreads more of the confusion virus just like ‘The Nothing’ in the movie ‘The Never Ending Story,’ and the limbos being like ‘the labyrinth’ in the movie ‘The Labyrinth’ which is actually the labyrinth, maze, holographic, cage that our collective conditioned mind made and nurtures everyday, so as to constantly leave us confused bewildered and struggling. When we entertain ideas/belief like a god, or aliens returning to save us, or ascension, all of this is an act of violence that greatly amplifies the virus limbo of confusion and makes it spread even faster to spaces and places known and unknown. Its frustrating because few can see this, they always say rhetorical things such as, ‘no its fine there is nothing wrong with our beliefs, you should respect our beliefs’ because they do not want to see it, they do not want to be responsible for if they do see it they will freak out. But to respect a belief is to respect the limbo confusion and violence.
(I highly recommend these two movies “The Never Ending Story” and “The Labyrinth” and the books as well. We watched them together and had many discussions on these movies; they have always been my favorite movies of all time. Also my blog works the same way as the ‘Never Ending Story’, it is talking to you directly and your very likely to become apart of this story.)
Besides, Diego went on, what you call the nature spirit realm is not a pleasant place at all right now. They are suffering and struggling greatly with something to right now.” “What is it? I asked what could it be?” They are greatly effected by our wifi internet connections you see we exist right in the middle of the micro waves and the ultra violet rays which are the rays of the sun which is the ‘Schumann resonance field’ (for those who do not know what it is here is a link as I had to look it up after he mentioned it ) and nature spirits are in right in the middle of the nano field/ nanocurie field (as for this one I will let you look it up on your own.)
And what is known as poltergeists are in the cesium 137 fields. The wifi signal goes through these fields and because of this the inhabitants there are having a hard time; its like building a busy road right in the middle of your house, only this is a virtual road built in the middle of their virtual realms. Even if we stopped using Internet, we forget our minds are wifi as well. It’s our wifi minds that invented and made wifi work through an electronic device. It’s so odd to me that so many think wifi can not be real with out any device but that a person alone can do it cause that is what their minds are, no that’s too weird only machines can do this. We use machines now to spread our confusion and because the majority of people are confused and not responsible for their thoughts which affect not only just this world but all worlds thus they are becoming more of a challenge to live in. This confusion is now seeped in our dreams, making our dreams nothing more then a confusing distraction always searching for meaning and significance through a conditioned mind. We have given our dreams more relevance then our own reality, which means we are neglecting our responsibility of this reality choosing to live in our intangible dream world limbos instead. We do not think that how we experience reality is not how it is because we see it how we want to see it and we are doing the same with our dreams thus our dreams are also contaminated. We do the same with death therefor when we die we carry or confusion virus there as well which brings us into yet again another limbo. So death is not an escape from this madness either, it only amplifies the madness; it works exactly like a mental hypercube that looks something like this

No sooner do you step out of one movie theater you find your in another and another movie with in the movie, kind of like the movie ‘Inception’ and its very hypnotic and confusing. You think its moving you think its real but its not its another optic brain illusion. Interestingly enough there is another variation of the hypercube in which jesus is crucified to a 3 dimensional cubic cross which indicated that such a belief is to put oneself into the hypercube of confusion limbo.

The only way to get out of this is to dismantle our confusion, in order to do that we have to understand confusion profoundly right at its roots, we need to know everything about it and how exactly it works, this is a task for all of us it does not matter who or what we are, we all must do this.”
“But surly, I said, there must be a race in this universe that is not as badly confused or affected?
“No not all of them, Diego replied, again like in the movie, The Never Ending Story’ there were still places in Fantasia that were not yet affected by ‘the nothing’, but that is only for so long until it showed up there as well; Its spreading very fast, sooner or later there will be nothing left in this universe that is not confused.” The little grains that are left behind are the ones that are immune to the confusion cause they are able to understand it and redo what ever they want to, but not until the end and beginning.
“Ah I see, I said, just like when a body gets sick it can rapidly spread through the whole body the universe is no different. Its all just a micro of a macro organism: the cell, is a small version of the body, the body is a smaller version of the planet and the planet is a smaller version of the universe; so what happens to one happens to all of them like a ripple, we are all affected. But just cause the body dies does not mean the mind dies or some of the cells it can act like seeds that are more attentive and evolved so as not to go down that thought form again.”
Yes he said what do you think would happen if your cells in your body became aware that they live in a body apart of greater being and they thought of you as some kind of god, so they stopped doing what they usually do and start to build temples to praise and worship you and fight with other cells making wars in your name. What would that do to your body? You would die and that is what people are doing in being busy with their idiot beliefs not only are they killing each other but the body the planet in which you live and your god. Jess if this happened to you would you want your cells to worship you or try to contact you? Do you care about your cells? No, nor should you its ridiculous it’s the same by trying to contact or seek approval from some god its totally irrelevant and dangerous.”

I started to think about the work I had been doing for the past 7 years and how much of an obsession, this idea of contact with ET’s. So many now a days want to contact them and talk with them. They obsess about seeing UFOs in the sky. They cannot and will not save us, nor should we look to them for answers. The Pleiadians or any of the races we commonly hear about are not perfect nor are they divine, but many like to think they are. Even if they actually are making contact with us we can guarantee they will be confused.
How many times have we and others that we know who wanted to help or make things right but they did not really know what they were doing which ended up making things worse? If we are confused how can we help others? We will only lead them to more confusion even if you have the best intentions.
There are so many pictures online of alien masters. Most of the information about the Pleiadians or other cosmic beings/races, channeled entities come from the military as an experiment, Just like there is remote viewing there is also remote suggesting and the person thinks its their own idea or they are being spoken to by some divine being. (wifi mind remember, such things are as easy as sending an email that is if you have the coordinates or email address.)
I also think its kind of suspicious and convenient that these deities that are sweeping the new age circuit are super attractive, there is no picture of an ugly ET’s except if they are considered low vibration or evil of course again very Hollywood this is bias and racist, this is medias brainwashing for us at its finest. Conveniently they are all sexually alluring, which is a good tool to blind and drug a person on ideas and hopes, it’s the same thing with models and actresses they are all mostly attractive which is a marketing ploy, that kind of hypnotizes us and stagnates our ability to think, this breeds delusion thus more confusion.
Even most of the light workers and other people claiming to be starseeds are often very attractive and mostly blond woman. This formula works, their message is always about love and positivity, trying to emulate an idea of divine, not being really integral or honest, because they are not really thinking what they are saying just repeating something they heard.
Then Diego said,
“Another thing to consider is how the religions, the spiritualisms, the philosophers, the gurus, the self-proclaimed ”illuminated people” those that we call ”ascended masters” whoever we believe they are..
They all tried to put an end to intelligence.. to conclude the evolutionary process of thinking.. With something rhetorical, and superficial even profoundly stupid as such as truth is love and love is truth.
And what do we have today ?
Nothing! We just wait for some ascension to come desperately trying to get out of the mist. Is this intelligence?
Is the act of trying to conclude the evolutionary process of thinking the mind requires to everlastingly evolve (hopefully freely) to be considered as an act of intelligence?

An indication of intelligence is surely to be found in a mind which is not satisfied with a certain belief, whether ”illumination” or ”god”, or ”spirituality” and so on .. because, (please do not get offended), the believer mind cannot really match evolutive intelligence : it’ trapped into limitations and hopes.. and this condition brings about stupidity (as history, not just the speaker here, suggests)..
Obviously an intelligent mind is a mind who observes with no needs to find out ultimate answers:
the existential seeker, the spiritual seeker, may can think, think, think and over think.. or just sit down and play their mantra or meditation..
but they cannot be evolutionarily intelligent .. They cannot evolve intelligently in total psychological freedom:
They can only wait, hope, practice, imitate, repeat, worship, venerate, pray…circumnavigating the same belief perhaps by giving it different names, but nothing changes.
Intelligence is inquiry.. psychological freedom of inquiring in our own mind through a process of thinking absolutely external from all belief, solution, ”keys” whatsoever, ”spiritual purposes” or transcendental hopes of any kind..

Where there are no longer conditioned elements between the observer and their thought.. then there is intelligence
and this pure, radical intelligence, cannot longer be corrupted by beliefs, anthropocentric applications of meanings in life and no identity any more..

One shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about these things
Stupidity and superficiality should be, indeed, the basic pillars on which each educational system and family and society should be founded. We can not keep going this way, where are we after going this way for so long?
Where are we now? We are still stuck and struggling with the same things thousands of years ago thus the same problem over and over again, limbo loop yet again.”

I thought more about how we are not thinking when it comes to the new age using the Pleiadies as an example, it’s a huge star cluster do we really think they look all the same? Why don’t people think more thoroughly about these things my goodness before accepted someone else’s claims? That’s like someone meeting Diego and saying everyone from earth wears all black spiked hair sunglasses etc. There are many other races in the Pleiadies. Not to mention a major factor that how they actually look is not how we see them. The eyes decode something different, it is what the brain decodes in that way most gets lost in visual translation from the brains past conditioned beliefs/ ideas which effects greatly what the eyes see and how they see it. It is also why in that translation of beliefs and ideals that most of us can only see the matrix and nothing past it.
The problem is we care more about the movie projected on the screen of our minds then we do about the projector, which is producing all the movies of the mind.
It’s a very clever subtle conditioning that people are very fond of to the point most are more then willing to fight so as to keep it protected and projected what they want to continue seeing, as only this one movie in front of us is reality after all. But even more problems and confusions happen when we feel something beyond the hologram and try to explain it with the intellectual and memory decoding and the past which is not perception at all. So if we think without perception and all the other facets of the mind working together equally in harmony, then we are technically not thinking thus it often equals a disaster. As the other facets of the mind outside of intellect and memory is something that thoughts and words can never convey, nor should it even be explained or shared, it must be private.
There are many things beyond our comprehension rather then always intellectualizing it, the best thing is to feel it and observe with-out any filters or beliefs so as to understand fully how deep and profound this goes. If we are able to not personalize, label, or judge it then one is more likely to understand intuitive information spontaneously just like how we did when we were children, which was understanding with out learning, a kind of inner knowing.
Electrons bi-locate themselves, so do thoughts, so do planets, when we are less confused we can observe this psychological process.
Then we will see what we need to know and do when we need to do. It will bi-locate to us, it will seem so spontaneous but its natural.
It’s unnatural to have too much unnecessary clutter/beliefs/ideas/conditioning on our hard drive to the point that the computer/our mind can barely function.

The con happens when we accept someone else’s idea/fantasy/interpretation/conditioning that a Star-being Et or deities looks a certain way, then its easy from their to have a dream or vision even an N.D.E.’s of them in that form because its in our expectations. It’s the exact same with all religious deities that appear, they will always appear in what our belief comfort past reference image is.
So are they masters of the hologram or just a trick we are playing on ourselves because we want something so bad to be a certain way, to be true that we can convince ourselves of it?
It’s a scientific fact that if a person pretends to eat something and they imagine it very clearly that the mind cannot tell the difference between real and pretend and will convince us that it actually happen. This is the same for psychological fears how we can get so explosively reactive to ideas thoughts memories illusions in our mind that make us unstable confused and violent. Many people get stuck in this kind of thinking to the point that they do not know how to think in any other way thus they become at the mercy of their mind. So many want their beliefs/lies/illusions to be true and real the way they are being presented to us as it represents an escape from our dull lives and hope of something better far away outside of ourselves, so we pretend like it is actually happening and so we become addicted to being unconscious actors and reactors. We all do it more then we are aware and if we were to be aware of just how much we do this we would be shocked. There is no escape from our life and our psychological mess. If we really want to be free from our confusion then we need to start being honest with ourselves and stop accepting others beliefs and ideas images as your own private proof and special connection to them. When a person keeps going in this way the mind eventually collapses.

So the planet is a quarantined hologram and the universe is a quarantined hologram to. How we see the universe is not how it really is and looks. I have always suspected this.
Even so seemingly technology advanced beings with all their fancy abilities, still do not have it all together. Thus having wiped each other out many times and yet here we are looking for advice from them… its not a good idea to trust something outside of ourselves for information it will always be dishonest, why? It is understandable when we feel so confused inside we can not just so easily find the answers and solutions inside of ourselves answers and solution searching is a scam of its own. Its dangerous and an act of violence to search for answers and solutions if you’re confused. As you see clearly that action leads to more confusion and frustration. We cannot find anything when we are searching through our confusions, as it’s not the same as understanding, observing or being attentive, they are two very different things. Diego kept repeating this but it took such a long time to sink in perhaps because of all the things that I had to dismantle first so as to be attentive enough in my mind, to see myself doing this. At that I came out of my thoughts and look at Diego and said,

“Well I for one am sick of these same old alien beings people talk about, and not to mention they are always fighting as well even the greek gods how great is it to be a god if your still confused and fighting all the time over stupid stuff? Diego can you make a picture for me of a race that no one has heard of before that lives totally differently then how we do here, a peaceful beings maybe romantic as well?
We have lived so long in this craziness; it’s hard to fathom what life looks like with out it.”

A few days later while I was being inattentive caught up in my internal dramas and struggles Diego made a picture and posted it.

Oh this is neat I thought and automatically hit the like button, it did not dawn on me that this was the picture I asked him to make. Yet that picture kind of haunted me it was so different and interesting I decided to ask him about it.

“They are called the Runners, he said, it’s the picture you asked me to make. Is it a past life or a future life I asked?
There’s not really a ‘past life’ or ‘future life’ (even if, according with the brain & human mind’s decoding that it looks like there is a time there is no time, we just convinced ourselves of this and it’s a common misunderstanding)..There is no such thing as time only to a linear mind, the sun movements has nothing to do with psychological time. We think in a linear way rather then a non-linear way thus we are prisoners of time, misunderstandings. We have tailored our life to think through the illusion of time thus we have so much fear and frustration with time. Time is fear. What we call or try to define, as ‘past or future’ lives are truly & simply just different timelines.
Meaning; if in a past life I’ve been a woman in France in say the 1600’s that isn’t really a previous life: it’s a timeline (perhaps its almost identical with the timeline in which i live)… But if I were to move back in time right to the 1600’s at the same place looking for that woman, (receding along my actual timeline), it doesn’t necessarily imply that that woman exists at that place & time ‘because mine is just a different timeline and not necessarily her timeline. We can not go to a time line that already happened we can go to the same location and date but it will just create another time line an alternate one where the change is subtle because of my presence; which makes everything else change, so it could never be the same time line recreated. So time travel how we think it is or goes, you know the classic idea such as in back to the future that if we go back in time to meet our parents before we were born and we make a mistake that results in our parents never meeting thus you never being born does that mean we will not exist? No, not at all, you will still exist but it will just be another time line. Another version of you will be created. Just like how in a dream our mind creates a back story for the person we are; even though we know its not really us or our actual life, because of all the differences that do not seem to bother us, while we are dreaming, until we awake we are like what how strange?”
“So, I said trying to grasp this, Andrew Basiago that man I did a 6 hour interview with (that interview made this guy so famous that he ended up on coast to coast this interview is why I have so many hits on youtube) who was said to have time traveled did not actually time travel? What a scam.” Diego answered with, “Andrew Basiago and other people especially the kids that were involved was just a military project/experiment to convince them that they had time traveled through hypnoses. All of them were made to think they were on mars and had traveled to the past and the future, its actually not so hard to do, it’s a kind of hypnosis. However they found that if it’s done to a person young enough then that person has a high mental risk of being lost to stories like this, made up by other people. It was also set up that when these kids were old enough they would have a memory trigger aside from people in their life telling them they had this experience so as to confirm it to them but the ultimate set up would be when they would meet the others who also had the same memories with seeing each other there. Like a script written out and played out exactly yet the actors are totally unaware something like the ‘Truemen Show’ movie but on a more expanded scale.
Time travel is boring to Diego. There is no time he always says at least not the way we think of it, it would be better if people saw time as more of sphere or an ocean otherwise its just boring time line limbos. They do not seem so boring to me I was still fascinated by them at that time. “So, I said, are you saying that no one has traveled through time, that is a total hoax is that what you are saying Diego?” he responded with, “If there is no time then there is no time travel just our perception of it thinking through the illusions and beliefs.” “Then we can-not travel into the future either?” I asked. “If we could think about it then we would have people coming back all the time right, but no one does, just through their dreams or memories, or temp apparitions because they would actually end up in another time line.” He said.

Diego then got up and though it was very dark he was able to see a young green mamba snake hunting in his frog pond. Diego went to talk to the snake and even tried to move it with a stick. (This is very dangerous; this snake is deadly and could easily jump and bite him if he wanted to.) I did not know this but Diego informed me just how far a snake can jump. I was so afraid for Diego and when i expressed my concern he causally said, “do not worry. I know my timeline, besides he knows i will not hurt or bother him and he knows he is in no danger. I just want to move him, as he is too close to the porch, so he has no reason to bite me. If the locals see him, which is what I am more concerned about they will kill it on site.”
Speaking of knowing time lines, there have been close calls on the motorbike as well. In which we could have been in bad accident and I would cringe and bury myself in Diego’s shoulders then when it felt safe, i would peak my head out. But he did not flinch at all. Once again he said, “I know my time line.”
He seems to know my time line as well, he is careful with me but he does not worry when it looks like I am doing something that could be seen as dangerous or a close call. This has also helped me with my fears as well. Even with the poisonous spider he made me touch, I wondered how he knew it would not bite me, because what, he knew my timeline? I have known this man for 4 months at that time (now it is almost 2 years) and I can honestly say he is completely fearless and a master with understanding fear and confusion.
I tried to imagine how this world would be when it comes to fear and close calls worries and all that stuff, if we all knew not just our time lines but the ones we cared about timelines as well? If we all knew this would we still make such a mess of our lives and others lives because of fear? Or would we find another way to be enslaved by our fears? Knowing such things does not really help one understand their confusions.
(I will share more on time lines in blogs to come, but first its more pressing for us understand our confusion.)

Ok getting back to the image he made for me about the Runners alien race that lives totally different then us. I then said, “But then how does this time line stuff work for other lives and memories you have such as these runners on another planet for example? And how does one know they are not just making it up?”

Diego’s response was, “I have memories that tell me how I’ve been (or i will be… or am right now) one of these intelligent beings in another life/timeline in an unknown planet, unknown solar system, unknown galaxy & unknown time, that I hope does not also get affected by this confusion virus…
The memory of them is mostly emotional but with lots of physical and visual details too.
These beings run all life long since they were born…
They spend their whole life with a partner from right when they are born but they aren’t brothers and sisters.
(They are mostly a kind of telepathic lovers).
Their endless running side by side which is also a form of communication and its perpetually ecstatic it also takes place mostly telepathically.
They don’t eat, sleep or talk but simply run all the time…
They think perceptively having neither struggles nor any form of doubts, anxiety, fear, lassitude, insecurity or misunderstanding…
There’s no hierarchy, power, roles, indifference, separation, values…
During their rides they secrete kind of bio-luminescent powder coming from the legs/tentacles they use to run…
That’s like kind of plankton that feeds the flora & grass at the soil…
Their life is in a perpetual emotional state of bliss ’till the end… and the end of their life happens without any suffering (its just simply a day comes when they stop their running and die peacefully)…
These beings spend their life doing nothing ’cause they feed themselves not by eating food but instead by their empathy with their planet and that empathy takes place metaphysically.
Their intelligence, communication and communion uses their physical bodies but mostly it takes place on a metaphysical level of consciousness…
This form of intelligence is quite hard to understand by the human psyche which is, at the contrary, most of the time projected into projects, using thoughts coming from the past, worries regarding the future and so on…
Indeed, for most of humans, life is that thing that happens to them while they are busy in other projects…
Considering this truth.. These beings, (even from just an imaginative & intellectual point of view and regardless of the fact they are a totally different form of life), can truly be masters of life… at least by offering to the human mind the possibility to appreciate the wisdom in doing nothing without being passive… but fully awake perceptively…
If we can do this then our imagination which is a precise technology can not be used to perpetuate the confusion, its through our perception, to think not just with the intellect and with out beliefs that we can do so much.”

I had so many questions still but I stopped and just pondered the Runners, what it must be like to live like that and how Diego described it as if I was right there or had been there with him before or maybe its happening now I do not know. It made me think that amidst the mess there is peace and non confusion it is going on, there are lives of things, that we do not know how to think of, but yet they are still there somewhere in our minds universe. I remember Diego also saying that trees and all other plants and animals are not confused or in a limbo either except the ones that had interacted with humans. Animals in general are a good example of non confusion, evolution and perception they are the true spiritual speakers/examples if you like.


Chapter 2: Enter Joakim

In my last blog in the last chapter I shared about Joakim a young man from Sweden who came to visit us around this time. I did not know it at the time but he would be the first of many that would come out to Bali to visit me. He is a really nice guy that just felt very compelled to do this trip to Bali. He has wanted to just pick up and go for a long time, but nothing stood out to him until he saw a post in which I shared I was in Bali; and it clicked for him, that’s it.. That’s what I want to do he thought and he bought a ticket just like that a few weeks after that realization he was in Bali.
I grilled him with questions so I could know his intentions to make sure he was coming out for the right reasons not because he had some crush or something. He has never done something like this so he was in shock of himself doing such a thing, and being pulled like that so spontaneously. I found him at a cafe that I suggested we meet at. Joakim, was in total culture shock, starving and sleep deprived. So i suggested a green smoothie, that will hydrate him right away. Then took him to a reasonably priced home stay place to check into for the night, that I arranged for him to stay at when he arrived and so he could have a place to drop his bags off, just in case he wanted to explore right away.
I gave him some time to shower and got him to change from his sweaty Swedish clothes, into some shorts, while I waited outside for him.
I guess I was a bit bossy and pushy poor swedie (which was a nick name I gave him). I took him out to dinner i ordered him a mango banana smoothie to make sure he got his vitamins then i got him a coconut water so he would have his electrolytes and we both had a nasi goring for lunch (which is the main dish here that consists of rice eggs veggies and chicken) then i brought him back to his place and ordered he go to sleep at 3pm.

The next day he told me how he had decided to come and visit me in Bali after a couple of letters he sent me and his own personal struggle, with too much anxiety and stress about going back to work doing something he did not like that sucked his life force out of him or the fear of having to stay on unemployment which turned into an uncomfortable stagnation, but yet still not free of society saying no you need to do something. Aside form that he was struggling with being around people in general. “There is just too much fake people around now a days.” He said. And he always felt judged the accumulation of all these things were driving him crazy worrying all the time of what others thought of him. It is a lot of stress having to keep up with such thoughts and ideals. He needed a break from his world, to be somewhere more peaceful and with people that would understand him and his situation and what was really going on. He knew I was in Bali so he asked if he could come and visit us out here and I said yes your more then welcome to, he flew out shortly after that, he said he was planning to stay in Bali for about 6 months. I introduced Jaokim to Diego and they got along very well right away. There was no male competition or showing off or anything like that. Joakim started to confide in Diego to the point that I saw joakims social anxiety dwindle away.
Diego was solid and clear with Joakim and that was just what Joakim needed to get his mind out of the funk it was in.
Diego also helped joakim to find a nice motor bike however there was only one good bike left and it happened to be pink but joakim did not care and he rode it anyway. Joakim and i also got along really well. I was glad to have another person to talk to in a different pace and vibe then with Diego. When I talked with Joakim it was easier, less intense, the content was not so heavy and he did not give me a headache like Diego tended to do.
With Joakim I could forget about the gravity of the world and universes situation and just enjoy life and have some fun for once, laughing, playing joking, things like that. As I could not really do that with Diego, he had a totally different kinds of humor, that was private only he seemed to get it and he mostly kept it to himself. Diego did not like having fun if there was confusion or if humor was used to avoid thinking or pressing matters, this was considered fake to him. I did understand this but it was not easy and I felt I was not there yet. I just needed a break from this intensity, deepness and responsibility; my brain needed a break. Not to mention always feeling depressed yet still in love with Diego somehow despite all that heavy content he shared with me. I just missed my playful side and was glad that I could share that Joakim.

Chapter 3: Sacred Waterfalls is a Beach of Confusion

The following 2 weeks we did many little trips with Joakim showing him around.
The first places we took him to was a waterfall about 30 minutes away, we had not been there before. We were invited to this place by some people, I met at Wolfs place. (see older blogs to find out more about Wolf.) I did not really know these people that well but they were around my age and they seemed to want to be my friend, and I did not really have any friends that were living in the area at the time so I decided to meet up with them and give them a chance.
Joakim was nervous about meeting up with a group of people in fact it gave him anxiety just thinking about it. But I looked at this as a good step in the direction of over coming his fears of being around groups of people. I am all about initiating new ways to get a person out of their comfort zone. We cannot understand our fears if we insist on hiding and avoiding it.
These new friends we met up with were very new agey but Joakim did alright in which he was able to handle them with out much anxiety.
They were a mixed culture bag from all over the world first was the girl I met at Wolfs place she is from Australia/UK, her boyfriend she brought along was from Argentina, and his friend who is from indian, and his girlfriend from Sweden; which helped to make Joakim a bit more comfortable right away. They could both speak the Ikea Volvo tongue to each other.

We then all motor biked to our first waterfall that was at some ceremonial sacred place for the locals. Everyone went swimming in this waterfall except me, Diego and Joakim. We just observed and found it to be a bit strange to see our friends being so inclined to ceremony and the sacred. Which is basically a structured authority and a routine. Some may say show respect to others beliefs/ culture but if we do that then we can not see it fully for what it is, or the insanity of it and so we just end up excusing it and all the violence that goes with it justifying in the name of beliefs and respect.
How can we respect and accept something if we are confused and petty ourselves? How can we expect to accept and respect something we do not fully understand with such a fragmented limited way of thinking? That can only mean we do not actually know what we are accepting and respecting to begin with, we do not know that we are conditioned to accept and respect something violent and petty. We are told we must accept ourselves as well, but it’s a trap if we accept ourselves then we are also accepting and allowing all our conditioning, pettiness and internal violence to continue on within us all as well.

I just sat near by with the boys wondering why we do these strange things why are we such slaves to our rituals and beliefs? Is it fear or is it because we feel less then? Diego wanted us to observe with him to see what he was able to see so we can better understand how and why people are such a mess today and why it is not getting better but worse. This could only be seen when observing with out any of our own filters/conditioning in the way.
This is what we observed that day, an absurd concept/idea that only the spirits and sacred places and spaces can heal and cleanse us. We have convinced ourselves of this, and few are able to think to even question such things. Then we act like we are all healed and all is right in the world and that place that helped this fake euphoria really is powerful, but it is nothing more then a placebo experience.
There is no such thing as a sacred space its just somebodies invention. You never see animals getting crazy over some idea of sacred this or that, they could not care less about such absurdities. I wonder how the world would be if we no longer cared about the rituals and routines of our beliefs, superstition culture and sacred what ever? As it is right now people care so much about this act like they have fully healed but when we go home all the difficulties and insecurities come back again, alas you can not escape or fool yourself out of reality for long. These psychological drugs ware off and reality is there waiting for you, to kick your ass; because of our neglect and negligence to what must be faced and understood.
Places that many consider to be sacred and treated that way by people tend to attract people with their confused energy to it. Which thus affects the area and adds more confusion to the so-called sacred place. People may indeed be feeling the energy and it may feel powerful to, but they do not know how to decode such energy they do not know how to tell the difference between confused energy and non confused energy they just assume it is sacred healing. But really it just makes the confusion spread more it becomes contagious in this way as well to everyone who goes to that spot.
Diego thinks people who say they work with healing energy have no idea what they are talking about its totally ridiculous to him. They can-not pretend to know what quantum energy is if not even quantum scientists do not know what it is. Its just a scam a business for people to feel special and compensate for their insecurities that they want to hide and justify it; by ‘I’m a good person, I’m helping people’.
I argued with him on this to, but then again, I myself was in that field and knew how most of these so called healing modalities started such as quantum touch for example which was created by a guy so he could get laid. I had talked to many woman that had experienced this from him and even though many were turned off most of them fell for his I’m so conscious bait. Hook line and sinker spirituality gets you laid.
Aside from that there are so many places like this especially ones where people flock to because of some miracles and so on. We are so good of convincing ourselves of such falsehood that we can even make our body believe it and thus we are healed sure maybe physically but mentally we are even worse. And now we are willing to fight and argue and even die to defend this belief this experience of consciousness we had, like it has become our drugs and people get ugly when you call them out on their drugs. For it has abducted our whole life and we are then able to think only through this particular belief and experience; and because we made it so strong in our heads we refuse to question it to us it is the solid and full truth and it comes from our heart. We think we are following our heart that this is the answer within that it must be true, but its obvious that this is a classic trap that has worse effects in the long run.
So yes I did see that many were scammers and being scammed in the new age arena I certainty often witnessed this, but it was still hard for me to think that every healer and person who was healed was a scammer and had been scammed as well by this. Were their any real healers or is it all delusion?

I remember it was also raining pretty heavy at the time regardless of that though our friends still insisted to swim in this sacred waterfall. The rain stopped when we decided to leave.
We then drove to another waterfall, a bigger one. We had to do a lot of walking to this next waterfall doing our best to avoid the merchants, but we were not able to avoid the mandatory sarongs for such sacred land of course.
So sacred and chauvinistic that if a woman has her period she is not able to come on. Joakim and I and the rest of the gang were all give big long sarongs and funny enough Diego was not given the same as everyone else instead he was given something like a pink belt. That was just too funny to me because it looked like a pink karate belt.
We then all went and perched ourselves up on some rocks. We had some snacks, such as passion fruit and snake fruit. After that we all decided to go for a dip in a stream that had a very temping and fun natural and strong underwater whirlpool. We all swam except Diego of course; he is always the man who prefers to be on the outside observing everyone, but not participating in what the others do. He would only go in the water for his own reasons never because everyone else is doing it. Which at the time was fine by me. I thought as long as I have a nice view of him standing and modeling his pink scarf belt.
We then had to do this crazy muddy uphill hike through the rice fields to get to this other waterfall which had very raw intense volcanic like energy. It was more pristine as few people bothered trying to get out to it most preferred the easy access ones. I could see why many chose to avoid this waterfall as well, because it was a bit risky in the attempt of finding the best places to maneuver yourself in the waters current without hitting or stepping on rocks.
But if your able to figure out the right way to make it across with out being pushed right back to the beginning and having to start over again you could then go behind the waterfall and feel its intensity and the really neat echo.
The getting back hike was also tricky, Diego was a total gentlemen/attentive watching out for areas that may be difficult for me and where he might have to lend his hand to make sure I got across safely. When I complimented him on how kind and considerate he was, he said, “no it’s not that at all. I was not trying to be kind or get points with you; I do not care about these things. I just did it because it was logical and natural for me. I had no hidden intentions behind it and nor do I care to be kind or seen as kind to others.” Ok I thought in a bit of shock from his response I was only trying to give him a compliment and he rejected that and turned into another opportunity for me to think and see the conditioning in that perception as well.

Before we headed back on our bikes we had a nice ice-cream while the others were eating their health snacks; talking about spiritual and vegan things.
Then Diego lit a cigarette and our so seeming friends the health nuts started to judge him immediately, I can feel it from them. They try to talk to him about it but he does not care to their rhetorical speech and decides to go further away from them.
When he was done he came back and sat next to me and the UK friend decides to try to explain again about the importance of body health and how unhealthy smoking is. “Here, he offered, have one of my dried soy snack. Its organic to.” he said. Diego replied back with, “just because it says organic on the label does not mean it actually is organic. Nothing is organic anymore, but people do not want to admit that. People still buy ridiculously expensive food just because it says organic. This particular snack you got was made in Bali and everything here especially the soy is GMO and saturated with chemicals that are not mentioned in the ingredients so its not healthy at all technically my cigarette and my ice cream is more healthy then your snack. But I rather die from smoking then from a confused mind, smoking is not as contagious as confusion is.”
To which this guy from the UK responded with, “but I believe it is healthy and that is enough; because my thoughts, my beliefs create my reality. So if I believe hard enough then that changes the energy it cancels out all the bad stuff, and turns back into its original divine and pristine state which goes back to making it healthy for me. I know what I am talking about cause I read lots of books and did a number of workshops to be able to do this.”
At this response which was beyond stupid to Diego, he said, “Really, then why not go to Fukishma and eat the food there believing that its healthy and fine to eat, or purify the food there with your divine thoughts so the people can eat it again? Even if you were able to purify your food that would not rid you of your confusion and all your suffering and your desperate attempt to cover it up? Do you not care about the health of your mind, is your body more important then your mind? A healthy mind can in turn make the body healthy but it is not the case the other way around. What is the point of having a healthy body if your mind is a mess, which it is clear it is because you’re thinking.” The guy did not know how to respond to that he was dumb stuck then his friends feeling the awkwardness and not wanting to think about this changed the subject to something about consciousness and the divine. This made Diego eyes roll so got up and left yet again this time around the corner. It was clear there was no way you could talk to these people or get them to think. People like this are totally boring to him. Joakim and I just stayed put observing everything trying to understand these people’s minds and what is going on inside them to make them this way.
Then suddenly we heard all these dogs barking and everyone was saying, “What’s that?” I said, “Its probably Diego.”
Sure enough I turned the corner to see him with all the dogs gathered around him. I then went back to confirm this to the rest of the group. They asked me what he is doing and I said, “he’s talking to the dogs, perhaps feeding them to as most of them are starving here.” While everyone was busy talking about spirituality, Diego was busy talking/listening and connecting with the dogs, with nature that is more interesting then those people to him.
He did not have to talk about spirituality or consciousness or any absurdities like that. I remember how everyone looked at him strangely. I said all the animals love him and will come from near and far to seek him out, even insects. It’s incredible. He is like an ‘Ace Ventura Pet Detective’ with animals; in how they just flock to him, and the connection he has with them, its really something else. To be able to witness how the animals all seem to know him, and allow him into the ‘animals secret club’, ‘secret world,’ where all caution from the animals are gone.

Later on when I asked Diego about this he said, “you know I have heard so many talk about spirituality, but they have no clue, they are totally inattentive instead. One time when I was at a restaurant and there were these new age people they ordered huge amounts of chicken, and as they talked about consciousness in front of them was a starving dog who was politely and silently waiting for someone to give him something to eat. But these people were so lost in what they were saying they did not see the dog they were not able to observe their surroundings and then they got up and left leaving all this left over food. The waitress came and was cleaning the table about to take everything away to the garbage and I stopped her and said, “”but cant you see there is a starving dog in front of you, would it hurt to give him just a little bit of the bones or left overs?”” It’s the same with the temples here they are built up to be so grand and beautiful, but outside on the streets there are poor people starving, inside they are wasting food burning it for offerings to their gods, this is a mental illness.
Or another time I was in the car with some new age people again they talking about spirituality, they were so carried away by their conversation, again non of them were attentive they did not notice that they ran over a baby duck, and they did not seem to care when I pointed it out to them, they did not stop, they just kept on going with their conversation as if nothing had happened. Is this what it means to be conscious? Is this what we can expect from people who strive to have shifted because this looks pretty disturbing to me and I am wondering why no one speaks up about this?
There is nothing divine or conscious nor spiritual about stupidity and confusion. All these words are ideas we invented to justify our actions. There is no such thing as divine conscious or spiritual. People are striving for someone else’s idea of what is ideal for them because they are unable to think for themselves. They want to be conscious but this desire alone is making them even pettier. They can not see the word ‘con’ conscious, it’s a scam and besides the conscious mind uses such a small percent of our brain compared to the unconscious but no one thinks about this they want conscious and boy did they get it, porco dio.”

The second place we took Joakim was to the beach, it was one of the nicer beaches in Bali. There was not that much garbage floating around everywhere like some other beaches that we sometimes go to, where the ocean is so full of shoes that its hard to swim in, its a literal sea of shoes.
This beach had white sand and very little rocks which was good news for my feet, the other beach the sand is black and full of rocks. At first I stayed by Diego’s side but he seemed to be lost to his own inner world having his communication with the sea I asked him questions like what is the sea saying and such but I felt so stupid and primitive. Then I felt like I was annoying and bothering him with all my silly questions making noise, rather then staying silently with him not saying anything. This is hard for me I always have so many questions. Sitting silently also was frustrating because I did not hear anything in the silence not like how Diego was able to. I found myself often comparing myself with him I could not stop myself. Finally I decided that since I was bothering Diego and he likes being on his own and does not need me that I would let him be and do his own thing and instead I went over where Joakim was and swam with him. I do not know how many hours we spent talking I am really bad with keeping track of time. I always have no concept of time, 10 minutes could easily feel like an hour to me and an hour even 2 hours could seem like 10 minutes to me. I can not for the life of me decipher this and I also really hate watches which were like shackles to my wrist bossing me around on what I should do, even if I have a watch I do not look at it. I like to be free from time, until there is no time, where time does not matter; though I know it can seem very negligent to Diego.
I also was not aware I was flirting with Joakim, not even when I was doing a bit of my jessages on him (jessica massages two words combined) I did not think anything of it because before I used to jessage anyone with out ever thinking it was inappropriate, but it was inappropriate. Just because I could not see it; that did not matter, it does not change the facts. Again I felt this ease and comfortable around Joakim and it was so refreshing to me, Joakim did not challenge my beliefs and conditioning. There was no dismantling work of any kind, nor was their any depressing content. Also Joakim seemed to need me which I realized how important it was for me to be needed, I was so sure I needed that to, perhaps I needed him as well? This however does not justify my behavior but it was just were my head was at that time.
Diego was of course observing from far away and later on when we got home he brought it to my attention. I then saw how bad that could look. I tried to explain my reasons but he knew what was behind those reasons and he did not like it. I took the way he expressed his thoughts in a way that made me feel so low about myself like I was a terrible person, so inconsiderate. He wanted me to see what inattentiveness and confusion does, but I did not see it that way. I instead beat myself up rather then being able to see how the mind works the tricks and traps it sets up for us, and just how our conditioning works to sabotage us; so as not to see how we hide when we are confused or in fear. Of course deep down I knew it was not him that made me feel like crap, I made myself feel this way as of all the ways there is to interpret information I choose the self commiseration and apathy option and I wanted to blame him for it, such as this would not have happened if he showed a bit more affection and attention to me rather then being ignored, or maybe I purposely wanted him to be jealous to see if he cared for me or not. Diego was not judging me though I convinced myself he was. Either I made Diego or myself into the enemy. But I was the only one judging myself, I kept convincing myself that it was always myself that was at fault not my conditioning, there is a huge difference between the two I just could not see it at the time. Then all that Diego shared earlier about the waterfalls is a bitch of confusion observations/conversations came pounding through my door like a garbage waterfall in my brain, that brought about so many unsettling unpleasant scary realizations.


Chapter 4: The Hypocrites Shift Hits the Fan

I knew what Diego was talking about but it was also very challenging even sobering for me to understand, because while I was talking with Diego about these things and agreeing; I was still simultaneously talking about spiritual things with my followers and in my writings. As I look back to what I was writing at that time now makes me cringe stuff like 5th dimensional love and spirit guides I can see just how confused I was and the confusion I was spreading. I am surprised all this while talking with diego about the absurdities and dangers of this thinking I was able to hide it from myself, to is kind shocking saying one thing with him and another in my private time. In that I could see it for one thing but not for another thing, somehow I thought they we not related and it only applied for one thing but not the other. When really it is all-inclusive when it comes to the whole spiritual gambit of nothingness.
I now know Diego was following my posts to at that time and was observing my split mind, my conditioning and how it worked. He knew the mechanics of this so well no wonder he was always 10 steps ahead of me, and that nothing I said or did surprised him.
I was soon to see that its one thing to talk about this and agree with it, but to break the new age spiritual pattern of thinking is another thing all together, its old habits really do die hard. Yes, I was that confused mess he was talking about but he was careful to never say that to me directly in that intense way but in an observer general way. So whenever we spoke I could agree yes other people are like that they do do that but not me no, I am not struggling with that, ha. He always talks in a general way and says do not take it personal I’m not talking about you but the majority I’m sure he said that now cause he knew that dismantling a person is like psychological surgery, or dismantling a bomb, he had to be careful that I would not freak out and collapse instead he showed me from afar and never said anything about my posts. In fact he never liked or commented on anything I did on facebook whether it was about him or not and that alone would make me upset with him. I would always think he does not care about me, or what I have to say, or how others see our relationship. I struggled with this thinking that our relationship looks like its one sided, I liked and shared everything of his, but he does not do the same for me, this is not how a couple on facebook should be. My audience needs to know he cares for me, or they will think I am just infatuated and brainwashed by him.
When I mentioned this to Diego he said, “I do not care what others think and you only think and care about this because you compare your relationships with others. You think your relationship needs to be like theirs, which is an idea, a concept, an illusion and because of that alone you make a whole story a drama and so you struggle. This to is a belief and self-conditioning to something that is not tangible, that you give relevance to. “You made it into your drug and if you do not get it then it’s a reason to struggle and make a fight. But I am sorry this is not a relationship, this is control and manipulation and I will not play that game with you; in fact I will destroy this kind of thinking every time. Your not in a relationship with me your in a relationship with your conditioning and its an illusion. I will not give into this; “”you do not care for me because you do not do this and that.””
I was not being purposely manipulative and Diego knew this. He knew it was not me, it was my conditioning, which he saw like a virus, that he must not feed, no matter how upset or the amount of intensity I will go through from the with drawl of this psychological drug I self created. This was a real slap in the face to me. Diego always made me feel sick to my stomach in facing the reality of people and myself.
He was right I was comparing my relationship with others; I was looking online about other spiritual speaker couples. I was seeing what they were doing and how they were representing themselves online to the world. All those happy pictures together, the workshops, and funny romantic videos they were doing together. I attempted to make similar pictures with Diego that I posted on facebook but they turned out to be awkward, which you can tell in the photos Diego pulling away not liking being put in a position to be fake force a smile so the world can see how happy and in love we are.
I continued to look at examples of spiritual couples in relationships such as for example Leija Turnunen and Philip Sparx. They looked so happy and perfect, they were having fun together, they were speaking on behalf of each other always saying how each other was so wonderful. Now that is a couple I thought, and that’s how it should be, why is it not like that for me, I wondered? Only to find out later on that what I was looking at of course was an illusion, they turned out to be older pictures, and Leija and Philip had divorced a while ago. Their relationship was not as perfect as they made it to be online, Leija was now with a new guy and with that all the pictures as well of the perfect couple again, and how much they loved each other and this is my soul-mate. (more on Leija in blogs to come) It made me upset that we could be so fake like that and fooled like that. In which we care more about how we look to others and what others think then the actual relationship and person itself.
I mean I did that to with my traveling videos with Jessica Shackleton in our Shabby Shack Shamanista youtube show. It looked like I had this wonderful perfect life I did not mention in the videos any of my personal struggling or what it was really like with Jess, or what I was going through at that time with my ex, or why I was traveling no instead I focused only how inspiring my life is. So how could I be upset with Leija if I was doing the same in my own way?
I thought I was being honest about my life and with myself but not really, not enough. This was shocking for me because I have made myself known as the girl who shared more then anyone dares to share. I was considered so honest; I made this my identity and believed it. Yet Diego showed me how I had deceived myself, and thus was not so honest after-all. So my identity of being the honest girl also got shot to hell.
What service are Lieja and I and all the other spiritual/motivational speakers really doing for others by making others think we have a perfect, divine life, and follow me if you want to be as happy and spiritual as me to live a life like mine?
The only service it does is feed the illusion that people perceive and build us up on the pedestal even if we say we do not want to be on a pedestal, that only ends up raising our guru status and thus we get more clients. Is this really helping others or are we really just helping ourselves indirectly? We convinced ourselves we were helping others but we were actually making them worse by feeding and making people want to peruse are illusions. We/i could not see that, or we refused to see that. For me I know I could not see it, but for others spiritual speakers I knew when I tried to explain to them about all this, many of them were able to see it, to see what we were really doing, but refused to see it, then that was another thing all together, to know but pretend like you do not makes you a scam. To not know, and believe your own lies and illusions, makes one a victim; I was in the victim category.
Diego and I would often talk about the 2 kinds of spiritual speakers in the first category there is the one that is a victim of their spirituality and what they are doing as they are so sure they are helping they believe it fully that they can not see it, they have drugged them self on these concepts. The other is the spiritual speaker who knows they are a scam knows the content is a scam but still exploits people because of the money and consensus they get and because it is so damn easy, any idiot can do it, all you have to do is tell people what they want to hear, make it unique your own style add some mystical sparkles to it, a dash of sex appeal and fake joy and your in. This can also be applied to non-spiritual people as well as the pattern process package is all the same, a belief has this effect.
When one has this understanding, when you see it, then it must be talked about
other wise your doing a great disservice.
But this was not a simple task at all actually it was very tricky. I could not just be out and open and tell people about this either, because if I got people to see what I was getting at then they would feel like a fool, they would see themselves not as divine light beings but that they were drugged by new age ideals. They would see how they had been using me as their drug and vice versa, I made them into my drug as well. If they saw that, then they would leave me and go to someone else to drug them. There are so many people out there willing to give them what they wanted to hear, so I knew i could not expose just myself, I also felt like I had to expose the others as well, Diego had no problem exposing them. No not just me we all had to see we are all of us drugs, drug users and drug pushers in one way or another.
But I knew then what people would say that Diego and I are arrogant they would take it as if only we are right and everyone else is wrong and a scam, how convenient for them.
It was so frustrating, I felt like I was damned if I did, and damned if I did not. But it was not about who was right and who was wrong it was about exposing the drug pushers and that we are all addicted to our psychological belief drugs in one way or another, we must know about the psychological harm it does. No wonder I started to lose so many followers and why so many people saw me as a hypocrite and negative lost to the dark side. Who did I think I was to attack others like that is how I’m sure they saw it but that is not what it was doing; so few people where able to see it for what it was, and what was really going on.
We cannot sit by and watch such craziness happen when it is having such disastrous effects; we are just as guilty if we do not speak up about it. Which then again put me in another awkward and difficult place. If I bite the bullet and admit all these things and try to talk to others about this, I knew exactly how I would sound and look like, a hypocrite, a bitch, someone who has gone to the dark side, someone who has been manipulated by Diego and so on. Of course I did not like this option either but what choice did I have to just stay silent? Pretend like I never had this realization/observation and continue to do what I was doing before because so many came to be infatuated by me from it? There was no way I could do that either, it was not an option for me because I could not stomach myself when I tried to go back to my old ways of thinking and being.
This information seeped into my identity and made another crises inside me, what the heck could I do now, how do I live now? Who am I now?
This also brought about another awkward thing and that was with Diego being the one to make this painfully obvious to me; that I started to resent him and looked for more reasons to be angry with him and to fight him. Maybe he was not the perfect partner after-all.
Its really a classic though if you’re an addict to physical and psychological drugs and someone makes you aware of that and decided to be the one to help you on with the with-drawl process by not giving you the drugs no matter what you do or say, then that person is immediately your enemy, as its not you thinking anymore but the psychological drugs.
Diego would never tell me what I want to hear, he would never do what I wanted him to do instead, he always did the opposite not to be cruel but to get me to sober up from intoxicated thoughts of nothingness. I had no idea I was addicted that this could be so bad that it could have such a hold on me. Its not as simple as being told about it to make it go away, that’s the easy part to hear the speech, the hard part is the time and energy it would take to get to the recovery and shake all these illusions within illusions within a whole ocean of illusions. What chance does one have to be able to swim or surf in such an intense confusing ocean waves if one is in utter shock? The beliefs I thought that were the most beautiful pleasant and helpful and hopeful what I clung to the most were actually the most ugly and terrifying dangerous things, beyond what I could imagine. Diego would often say, “can you think about your thoughts with out the idea that created those thoughts?” Meaning can I think about my beliefs with out the beliefs or the ideas that created those beliefs? At that time no, I could not, instead I sunk even more in my beliefs.
I started to entertain conspiracies that my conditioning came up with so as to protect itself, to justify its existence, some of those thoughts were that maybe Diego was not good after all, maybe he was tricking me to think he cared for me but was just using me as an example to get back at the spiritual people that he could not tolerate. How could it be that if he could not stand those spiritual people then why the heck would he pick a spiritual speaker as a girlfriend? Why would he lead me on like this? Why bother with all this mess and drama with me? Maybe Diego was not so precise after all, maybe he was wrong on his decision for us to be a couple? It was clear it was not working, maybe I would be doing him a favor if I pushed him away save him the energy he is wasting on me.
I entertained the thoughts of going back to my old life making my usual videos and just writing like oh well I thought he was the one for me but I was wrong so lets see if I can start again and find the one that I have more in common with. No more will I negotiate myself into these impossible relationships that can not work. These thoughts were always tempting to act on. I could just see peoples responses and how easy it would be for me to be free from all this then I could go back to being blissfully happy in my ignorance once again, but like I said before I could entertain these thoughts but I could not act on them.
I saw on facebook how Diego always liked and commented on everything his ex (who I will call Adnil for this blog) posted it made me think he liked her better. Her profile seemed to indicate she was less confused and more creative then me as well. She seemed to understand Diego and have closeness with Diego him that I was jealous of. So that is what is going on, why he is not interested in being intimate with me, he never gave me any compliments, perhaps he still has a thing for his ex, he must really think I am disgustingly ugly to him, I must be some joke that he just keeps around perhaps he gets his kicks in putting me through the ringer? Then my mind would swing to another extreme of I wanted to be close with him like how he is with his ex but the more I focused on that closeness the less I focused on my confusion and Diego as a person and so it amplified and continued feeding my pettiness and our distance. This is something we can all relate to because our beliefs and conditioning have a way of spinning drama tales in our psyche.
How easy it is for us to destroy our relationships with these illusions.
I think Diego knew that though I did threaten him with such which I am sure he saw it coming. Whenever I spoke to him about this or why he is with me he would just say, “its mathematics” and walk away.
“What the heck does that mean,” I whined?
“It means come talk to me when your ready to think about your thoughts with out the thoughts that created those thoughts.” Was his response.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
He said, “Find out for yourself, I have given you more then enough hints.”
“I cant, I cried, I’m not as advanced or as intelligent as you.”
“That’s another one of your beliefs and is totally stupid, he said, your just comparing again. You know how much pain you get every-time you compare. So why do you do it? Are you some kind of a masochist? I’m sorry I will not comfort or reassure you when you say such things because it will not stop you from doing it again nor will it help you to understand that all this is not you, instead it will make you use this as a drug as well then into a weapon to self destruct yet again.”
At this I fell down and started crying, there was nothing I could say or do but cry, oh my gosh I realized I was speaking for 7 years about love to many people but I had no clue what it was, this was so damn frustrating my brain was spinning so fast that it felt like it was about to collapse, the tears were pouring out of me even harder, and to Diego this was totally boring so he said, porco dio, and left but not until he finished his cigarette of course.


Chapter 5: Preparing For 2012 The End of The World

Had I known that all this was going to go happen I would have never invited my mom to come and visit me and my perfect partner Diego. Every crazy idea I had, Diego never tried to talk me out of them. He always went along with it only to show me afterwards how things really are and how I think they are and how these two things are in constant fight that make unnecessary suffering.
But I got this idea to bring my mom out when I asked my followers what they suggest I do for the end of the year? Most of them suggested for me to be with my family. I was not ready to fly back to Canada and Diego sure did not want to go and just pick up and go to Canada just to see family, this makes no sense to him.
So I decided to see if I could get them to come out here to visit me. I felt a haste to do this because 2012 was looming soon and I did not know what was going to happen. I was scared for my family and I wanted to do something just in case somewhere to happen where they were living. I thought it maybe good to have them conveniently come to Bali at that time. I tried to convince my baby brother to come and visit me but he had too much work at that time and could not afford to take a vacation or pay his expenses while he was here so he declined.
I was even willing to pay their flight tickets that’s how convinced and scared I was that something would happen, thanks to the stupid new age and conspiracy crap. I wonder how many others forced their families to move last minute as they prepared for the end of the world?
My mom was able to come out she had enough saved up that she could float by for a couple of months, plus I kept telling her how cheap and wonderful Bali is. (a lot has happened in a short amount of time to Bali, and it is no longer so cheap or wonderful but more on that later.) I really did not have enough money to pay for my moms ticket, I just convinced myself I had to do it or I may never see her again. (which is strange because I I never took the end of 2012 seriously before but when it came really close, all this conditioning that I did not pay too much attention reared its ugly head and I fell for it hook line and sinker for it like so many others. I rushed my mom to come out she had really only less then a month notice to prepare for a couple month trip. I was so tight on money I could only afford a one way ticket for her which made her very nervous, as all her friends and travel agents said she would have problems if she went on a one way its not advisable she must get a return ticket. I just told her it’s a silly fear and she should not give into what others were saying that she should just take this leap of faith and come out here anyway and find out for herself. (ah such a hypocrite I was even then.)

After that my mom kept messaging me about the research she had done in Bali. She was being a bit of paranoid hen with what she was reading. So when I had my online chats with her, she would say,
“oh I read that you can get malaria in Bali and that we need shots to go there. Also I read there was a bombing there not to long ago and that the country is unstable, there could be another bombing terrorist attack. There are muslims there to, perhaps they are dangerous and they will steal me. Also I read that there are cannibals there, and komodo dragons, I do not want to be eaten there by either of those. Are their sharks there? What if something bites or eats me then what?”
Oh I also read they do not have electricity, how is that going to work?” and on and on she went with the most ridiculous things. “Mom if we have no electricity how am I talking to you right now on the internet?” I said to show that what she was reading may not be factual.
“Oh I also read, she went on as if she did not hear me so eager to share with me everything that she read, that you’re close to the volcano. What if it erupts? Bali gets lots of earthquakes what if the big one happens while I am there? (Yes I thought it is possible that if the world is ending then its very possible that Bali may not be safe either, but oh well at least I get to have her for the little time we may have left.)
This is how it was with my mom for the following weeks she was constantly finding things about the island to scare her and most of them were not true at all, nor did it matter how far fetched the information was, it was still reason to worry. I asked my mom, “where she was getting this information from that was making her into such a paranoid hen?” and she said, “on some Canadian websites.” Diego informed me, and I informed my mom that if you try to look up information about another country from your country, you will often find mostly fear and discouragement, because your country does not want other people to know what it is really like in developing countries. They want to keep the people thinking that their country they are in are the best and the safest and that you would be a fool to leave your country. They want people to think this, because the country has a value by having a huge population of people there that are taxpayers. They do not want those tax payers to leave their country and go to a cheaper one. So they make the people scared by having them think all other places are dangerous.
Do not trust those websites, ask people who actually live in the country your looking to go to, in order to find out what it is really like. For example, I said to my mom, “you do not need shots to come to Bali. Yes mom, you can get malaria but its not that common. Yes mom, there was a bombing not to long ago but it is fine now and very safe. Yes mom, we have muslims here in Bali but they are actually more peaceful pleasant and genuine then the Balinese themselves. Yes mom, we have electricity but it is not as good as in western countries and yes, we often get black outs, power failures, no water, and the internet can drop out for days, but we are still able to get by. (Though internet is mostly a shit connection.) Yes mom, there are still cannibals but they are on some of the smaller islands of Indonesia not in Bali. Yes mom, there are komodo dragons and yes, they are very dangerous fast and deadly just being scratched by one has enough poison to kill you, but the komodo dragons are also on another island not Bali, there is a special tour one can do if they want to go to that island but its now set up like a zoo to see just the komodo dragons, yet can still be risky. Yes mom, there are poisonous snakes here but its very rare to be bitten by one, there has not been any reports of anyone dying by a snake here for a long time. Yes mom, there is a volcano but it has not been active for a long time and we do not live anywhere near it so even if it did erupt we would be fine.”
We get so ridiculous and even stupid because of our psychological fears we even refuse to live our life because of our fears. I mean these fears are mostly fakes because they are not natural fears they are not happening to us right now they are mostly in our head of what we read and imagine and that alone is enough to make us freak out and reroute our whole life.
Diego even encountered this with his family as well, when he was first looking to move to Bali. The Italian embassy websites tried to make all kinds of crazy danger claims as well about Bali. When he told his family and friends he was going to Bali they all discouraged him saying, “why the heck do you want to go there and struggle with the cannibals and no electricity? Italy is so much better and safer then Bali.” But actually that is not true at all. The fact was no one bothered to find out about it for themselves what Bali was actually like or where it actually was located, they just heard some things and repeated it as if it were fact, thus they had convinced themselves it was a fact. That they were wise for staying put in Italy. Other family members he told did not even know where Bali was they thought he meant Bari which is the south of Italy. When Diego showed pictures to his family of Bali they said, “wow, I did not know Italy had so many Asian temples?”
And when Diego told his dad he was thinking about moving to Bali his father said, but why son do you want to live in china?”
Do you see how fear and not thinking for ourselves or finding out for ourselves makes us stupid? How we cannot fully live or function in this way, but because we do and know no other way to be we become even more confused and our life becomes even more of a mess. As we let these ideas rule and control us and we think through these ideas these filters of the world that fragment and stagnate us.

Anyway back to my mother I was prepping for her to arrive within a few weeks, and within that small frame of time everything was going to hell. I was freaking out with so many conditionings, conspiracies about Diego. I was having many existential crises. I was feeling lost depressed and even more confusion while trying to navigate myself out of the sea of never ending misty confusion. I had no stable ground inside my head, all I found there was nothing but illusions. I knew Diego did this to me and I was still resenting him for this. There was rarely any psychical intimacy, no cuddling or much affection shown, there was no fun or laughter and Diego rarely wanted to go out or do anything. I struggled with trying to make sense of exactly what kind of relationship we had exactly? Why did he impress me with his abilities and special effects and those letters? Why am here with him? Why can’t I just leave and continue on with my travels forget this all ever happened? Why does Diego want to be with me really?
I was also struggling with the idea that the whole universe was confused and that the human race was doomed we had no chance against this confusion, so it was not just the end of the world but also the end the universe. And I thought about all my efforts to help humanity had been in vain. How many did I confuse as well because of my messages? I was also struggling with my ex, my followers and friends, fellow spiritual speakers were all turning on me, and I started to develop more feelings for Joakm, and oh goody gum drops my mom is coming to see me at the worst possible time.
I know my mom pretty well, I knew she would be very concerned when she sees me like this, but perhaps just maybe she would be able to understand. I kept telling myself and hoping. I also remember that I told my mom that I was not sure Diego was the one, most likely not, but I still wanted her to meet him, to see that I was with an extraordinary guy that was nothing like my ex boyfriend. I wanted her to see how well I was doing and how happy I was. I wanted her and Diego to have deep meaningful conversations like he had with me. I wanted Diego to be the link to help my mom and I to be closer together, so she could finally understand me, as she never really did. Though she always loved and supported and encouraged me with what ever I did, I knew I was very lucky to have that from a mother as most do not even get that even, but it was not enough I wanted her to understand me to. I always considered my mom to be very smart especially in the academical she was always the best at school, so much so if her teachers were sick they never called in a substitute teacher they just had my mom teach the class instead. She even did all my schoolwork for me growing up as I was too slow and she was impatient and eager. She was also known as the human dictionary, calculator, speller and encyclopedia, surely my mom could hold her own with someone like Diego? She is also warm, caring, funny and child like. My mom was nurse but only for a couple years she stopped when her kids were born and focused fully on being a mother, she wanted to be present for her kids and be a good wife, she did not want a job to take her away from her kids. My mom also had a super memory, she read whole books in one sitting and could remember almost everything she read but she could not understand exactly what she read nor apply it only repeat it. I remember I was about 17 or so when I realized this about my mom, she knew how to read and repeat like how we are conditioned to be in school but that does not mean she could understand or apply what she read. I did not get my mothers brain, I was not smart like her at all, I was beyond lousy at school and never really passed a test. I rarely could remember anything I learned in school, I mostly day dreamed, I was pretty much lousy at everything that my mom was super good at. I got my dads brain which was eccentric creative and abstract, he invented jobs because he only had a grade 9 education. I also invented my jobs as well, because I sure as heck was not going to get any good job with my education background. So this made me think that she was smarter then me and maybe also could understand Diego better then me to, or at the very least she could help me with him.
When I talked to her about Diego she asked the questions that a mother usually asks and responded to them through her filter of her past experiences. “How old is he?” she asked? “39,” I said, “so it’s a 10 year difference, that’s fine my mother and father also had a 10 year difference and it worked out fine.” “ That’s great mom but I was not asking about that or concerned about that really.” Though at first I was a bit worried that he was too old for me and that we were at different time periods in our life to ever really be compatible perhaps that’s also the reason why psychical intimacy was not so interesting to him, while I was at the age where I was at my peak with this. Did I really want to let that time pass me by or was that more conditioning again thinking for and through me?
Also now that Joakim was here and also came out so last minute, and getting to know him I knew that my mom would really like him. In fact he was the ideal guy she would want for me and would much prefer I be with him rather then Diego. She may try to subtly convince me that he was a better match for me, and because I was in such a fragile state I would be easily convinced as I could see it more and more. If I was totally honest with my mom about everything that was going on and that happened between me and Diego she would think Azropia or his ex or even our Russian neighbor that he was good friends with. (whom I was also kind of jealous of her to because she could make Diego laugh and I could not.) she would be more right for Diego as well. My mom would witness me not so happy with Diego, I knew I would not be able to fake happiness though I would try. She would see how I lit up around Joakim and that would be enough for her, enough for anyone; my followers would prefer me with him as well I sure, as he is not controversial or challenge others thinking/comfort zones and people would see him as crystal child as well, cause they like to see what they want to see.
What could I do? I was still entertaining ideas of my family living out in Bali with Diego as the perfect family. Its not so easy to escape these thoughts, while also entertaining contradictory thoughts, like maybe I should distract my mom while she is here? I know she is looking for a man, if I can find her a man, then she would be more focused on him then me and my life? It had been 8 years since dad passed away and mom and him were so in love that she had never been able to get over losing him and had not been with anyone since. Maybe now was the time? People were finding their partners in Bali, heck I found a partner in Bali, though I was not even trying or wanting that, so why not my mom as well? I had about 2 weeks still until she was due to arrive. Yes that would be enough time. Yes, that is what I would do. I would try to find someone for my mom. This would also be a good thing for me as it could take my mind off of my issues and life/love struggles; this would be my solution and my distraction.
Diego often would say and write, “how looking for a distraction or a solution to a problem is one of the worst things we can do. This is because it does not allow us to think fully or face the problem as is. Nor does it help us to understand the problem and because of this our distraction or solution makes another problem, while making the original problem more intense.” I did remember this and agreed with Diego about this mechanically and rhetorically but that was not enough to fully understand and apply what he was getting at. Diego added, “Reading the instructions and remembering everything in it on how to fly a plane/our psyche is not the same as actually flying the plane, if we tried to do it this way we should surly crash porco dio” Diego said and walked away.
And crash I did.



Chapter 6: ‘Pride Goeth Before the Fall’

At least when people are here visiting us, Diego is more inclined to go and do stuff, to show people around Bali. This time we decided to go off on our own, no more fake spiritual friends to meet up with randomly it would just be us 3. This time we took Joakim to Edept, It is a kind of permaculture place in Bali. Diego likes this place because it is far away from the hustle and bustle of the town, its nice and peaceful there, he has italian friends that are working there that are a bit less confused then most folk.
This permaculture place had various creative clever ways of growing good produce with lots of consideration and attentiveness. It reminded me of my favorite books called Anastasia The Ringing Cedars, that I used to promoted all the time and even wore a piece of cedar around my neck to show how much I liked those books. Diego often reminded me of Anastasia a lot to which he later dismantled more on that late in this blog.
People come from all over the world to volunteer and work at this permaculture place. It started off as just a small basic non-profit that had no money just an idea and in just 3 years it has gotten so much acclaim. Even attracting an investor from Singapore who is obsessed with all things to do with permaculture.

After explore the garden and sampling the herbs such as mint and rosemary and some fruits, which I convinced myself was grown by love. But did not want to tell Diego that as I knew he would think that was ridiculous, which I would later find out he was right about that to. We where invited to come in to meet the co-owner/investor and have a visit. I remember talking with her she was short and fiery Asian, who had a wealthy business husband, she was a good wife and did what she could for him though on business meetings he would not always be faithful to her, but that did not really bother her. She still did what she could to take care of him even when he got sick and needed round the clock care. She had spent many years taking care of him, and she had sacrificed a lot of her life for him but when he passed away she decided to live her dreams and immerse herself more into permaculture; and she went out dancing and did her best to make up for lost time. She did not grieve or anything she said it was not necessary life goes on death is not a tragedy or sad just a part of life, and she was now free.
Anyway I hit it off with the owner and we made plans to go dancing and karaoke and I knew when my mom comes they will be good friends right away as this womans spirit and vibe is just what my mom needs. But unfortunately we never ended up going dancing or doing anything that we talked about and nor did my mom end up meeting her as well, as this woman was mostly out of town for most of my moms visit.
After she shared her story she invited us to meet her friends she was entertaining in the kitchen.

There was a group of people having lunch the people seemed nice but I never really got to find out because I was such a munch box. I immediately went into a kind of homer Simpson mode thinking and plotting hmm how can I try everything on that table? I was over joyed when they said help yourself and I got to try something more tasty then the last and then I gorged and left a trail of food crumbs everywhere I went which made it very easy for Diego to find me.
He eats like a princess bird by the way. He only eats in small portions pecking his plate delicately, elegantly and politely. While I eat like a tornado with food flying everywhere. This is not funny to Diego, like it is to me. He knows he does not like to eat so much because in Italy where he grew up food is a huge deal. They feed you so much food its piled on your plate and you have to eat it all or they think you are sick. If you did not eat everything other would give you a hard time. This is what happened to Diego all the time growing up. So now that Diego is away from that he can eat whatever amount of food he likes with out having to deal with the guilt and banter that could be put on him for such a ridiculous cultural reasons. And then he pointed out the reason why I am the way I am with food. It’s because I grew up very poor and there was not always enough food. Also with 5 kids in the family and my dad, if you did not eat your food right away it would be eaten for you. So this is why I am all about eating like a savage and as much as I can right away as I never knew if I would have food for tomorrow which is also why if I can not eat all my food I will always save it for later. Its always nice to know I have some emergency food just in case.

Joakim although still extremely shy and afraid of groups of people and talking in them found he had no problem. After years of hiding himself from everyone and situations like this he seemed to have grown leaps and bounds in the short amount of time he had already spent with us. I was so proud of him watching him talk to everyone like a social butterfly. There was one guest there that was from Denmark that Joakim and I seemed to get along with real well right away, he was an older man in his 50s and his name was Yorgin.

He said he had recognized me before we even came to this planet and in just a few minutes of talking with him he started confiding to me about seeing elves when he was 5 years old, I was still in my new age mind so I did not think much of what he said. Yorgin also seemed to jive nicely with Diego though he did not talk about elves to Diego like he did me but I am sure Diego sensed it. As it seems nothing really gets past him. Anyway it turned out that Yorgin lived very close to us all this time, and yet we had never met which is almost unheard of for such a small town that we are in.

I decided to hang out with him more to see if he would be a good match for my mom but so far so good. I remember writing about this on facebook and said something like wow things are perfectly aligning, the universe is in sync with me.- (sigh I still had such a long way to go. O-o)

A few days later I made more plans to spend time with Yorgin. I confided with him about feeling stuck not sure what I should be doing and about how I came to be in Bali and my time stay with Wolf and a bit about Diego. I decided it would be probably best if I did not speak about Diego that much.
Yorgin was a very cheerful a young at heart kind of person, someone you just want to be around, you feel great being around them. He makes you feel like there is nothing to worry about he tells you jokes till your rolling on the floor in laughter. I was grateful for this as I felt like I need it so much. He was willing to help me with so many things to from my website to videos wow, my first friend that lives in Bali that I can go to for a visit anytime I like, I thought.
I remember the tour of his house he gave me.
“My house, he said, is very curious indeed, the Balinese are such a strange breed. If you want to study laziness absentmindedness study the Balinese. I have been scratching my head about my house on how it was built and why it was built the way it was; and what must have been going through their minds when they built this house. To the point that I have come to the conclusion that it was made specifically for Japanese midgets.
I started to laugh, ah laughter my friend it has been awhile since I had laughed like that.
As you see here is the door the main entrance of the house, look how narrow and short this door is, can you imagine a shall we say robust voluptuous person trying to get inside this house? Surely the Balinese did not consider shall, we say the spherically shaped or the tall folk?
In entering the house there was a main entrance room that was absolutely impractical the way it was laid out.
His bedroom was tiny, it was so small that there was hardly any room for a bed.
In the middle of the hallway between the main bedroom and bathroom there was a very tiny sink that was built really low to the ground. Yorgin was about average height like me but he had to squat low to wash his hands in this sink. The way the sink was placed was also impractical you had to be careful getting by that hall. Especially in the middle night when you’re sleepy and have to make a voyage to the toilet and you forget about the low mini sink sticking out. It’s so low to the ground it is so that you stub your toe on it or trip over it and fall.
The other funny thing about this sink was that the faucet was so small as well and the sink bowl was also small that Yorgins hands being average size barely fit in the sink. The only way to wash his hands was very close to the sink wall of the faucet. He had to hold both hands together but also to be careful because they also had the drain up high by the faucet that stuck out. So when you rubbed your hands back and forth to wash them you also end up irritating the skin and getting blisters. The sink barely fit two hands at once so he mostly washed his hands one at time.
Then Yorgin showed me the bathroom of course there was no sink because that was out randomly in the hall, this bathroom just had a toilet and a bathtub. But the bathtub and toilet were so close together that there was absolutely no room for your legs when sitting on the toilet unless you wanted to stretch your legs up over your head, or out to the bathtub to dangle over the edge, or try using the toilet in the squatting dog position with both feet up on the seat or the lotus position. Which puts a whole new meaning to, new agers jargon such as ‘Oh my god I’m totally getting a download right now, and releasing all my negative energy good thing I’m on the toilet. I’m so more spiritual then you because I even poo in a sacred way.’
The last thing Yorgin showed me was the kitchen. It seemed pretty normal except for the sink that was made like a big box that the Balinese use as a butt washer for the toilet. In most Balinese places they have a squared like sink that goes as high as the toilet its always full of water and has a little bucket for you to scoop some water and somehow throw at your nether regions with out mysteriously getting your clothes soaked.
Some of the more luxurious Balinese homes have a little hose beside the toilet that squirts cold water on your yaya regions.
Most of the time they do not have toilet paper so I assume you have to just sit and air dry for a bit before you can leave the toilet and go on your way otherwise your pants and undies are soaked and everyone thinks you pissed yourself. (I really want to ask a Balinese to demonstrate exactly how this works and what exactly we are supposed to do; as this baffles me?)
Back to the kitchen so it had something similar to what they use for the toilet for butt washing, butt it was not supposed to be the kitchen sink eww. How ever the people who built this place forgot to put a hole at the bottom. So you can fill it with water but you can not empty the container. This house was a classic example of the Balinese mind they cut costs anywhere they can, they do not think about practical or realistic they just get the job done as fast as they can, with as less effort as possible, while looking for any possible way to feed their greed for money. They will do things any how it all for quick money they do not think about the future or historically at all. In the example of the house it is very funny but living with them and dealing with the Balinese all the time it is not funny at all it is down right frustrating.

On another occasion Yorgin came over to our place for a dinner, he had so many jokes constantly trying to be the humorous one with his funny stories, his jokes and picking on Joakim to uphold the Danish Swede rivalry and stereo types which Joakim and Diego did not appreciate. It smelled to them that Yorgin was trying too hard to be the life of the party. The center of attention, which meant that he was covering up something. Trying to hide something, keep em laughing but when I am on my own I’m crying kind of thing. Or perhaps it was pride or competition I could not see it? I just thought he was a nice cheerful guy who had no hidden intention’s, he was just being himself and besides I needed to have some humor in my life and I liked him for my mom as well.
I decided then that the guys did not have to hang out with him if they did not want to, that I would just have Yorgin be my friend since the guys did not feel comfortable with him.
The following week I made plans to do a bike ride with Yorgin to help him find a snazzy new lamp for his house.
That morning I was sitting outside working on my computer when Diego came down and said, “your going to get into an accident today.”
“What kind of accident, I asked, do mean a bike accident perhaps?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Well how bad will it be?” I asked.
“Oh you will be fine, but I’m not sure about Yorgin he may not be as lucky as you.”
At that I informed Diego of my plans to go with Yorgin that day and he said,
“I know.”
“What, I stammered, you do? But I did not tell you anything about it till now, but you know, of course you know.
Ok well can I do anything to prevent this from happening?” I started to recall when we were driving and he told me an accident is about to happen in about 23 minutes and 21 seconds from now, just further down the road and that I should try to see if I could stop it, or switch the time line of that event and I ended up doing it somehow. Though I had lots of anxiety and was not so confident about doing it, but somehow I did. So if I was able to prevent that one maybe I could prevent this one to.
“Nope, he said, it must happen. Yorgin has pride and is hiding many things this will make it apparent to him and to you.”
“But I do not want Yorgin to be hurt, I whimpered, he is my friend.”
“He will be fine, Diego said, it must happen.”
“Maybe I will not go then with him today.” I said.
“No, you should go.” Diego said.
So reluctantly I went and as I walked to Yorgin’s house I contemplated on whether I should tell Yorgin or not what I knew was going to happen to him that day and how I knew. But I was concerned if I told him that he would freak out. So I decided to be stealth about it.
After we made our small talk and greetings to one another about various things and were nearing the time to leave.
I said, “uh hey Yorgin, uhm how long have you been riding a motor bike for?”
I think Yorgin sensed my nervousness and his pride flared up, “15 years,” he boasted.
“Ok, that’s good to know, but have you uhm well, have you ever been in an accident in all that time?” I said coyly.
“No, never I am an excellent driver. Don’t tell me your scared to drive with me because you have nothing to worry about young lady. I know what I am doing.”
“Yes Yorgin, you can be a good driver but that does not mean one still can not get in an accident as there are many factors for an accident to happen good driving or not accidents happen.
He seemed to be very upset about this as if I doubted his ability as a man. I found this a bit revealing and odd as I never saw this side of him before.
Ok I said never mind forget I asked lets go,” I said. In my head I was thinking how awkward this conversation was and just wanted to get this accident over with already.
We drove around to the outskirts of the town looking at all kinds of lamps with no accidents at all everything was going fine. Maybe it would not happen I thought, maybe I did stop it after all. Maybe because I hinted to Yorgin he was being more alert and careful.
But I had spoke too soon on our next stop in front of a lamp shop, while he was coming in to park he lost control of the bike and the bike tipped over and fell down hard. I remember so clearly falling it was like as if I was in actual slow motion and when I hit the concrete I swear it felt like i landed on a cloud. I should have been banged up technically but I was not at all. While Yorgin’s knee got a nice gash, but he acted like it was nothing. That it was no big deal. He still wanted to continue lamp shopping as if nothing had happened. Rather then getting cleaned up he seemed to be more concerned with me asking over and over, “Are you sure your OK? How come you’re not hurt Jess? How can you not be hurt?” He then became very nervous and antsy in the store as he started to feel very humiliated; as his pride deflated. He then started to focus on his wound and got paranoid about it getting infected. He started freak out to the idea he had acquired an open wound from the dirty ground. Suddenly he had to get it clean right away. Why now I wondered 20 minutes after the accident he starts thinking in this way?
Then It was revealed to me I knew why he was nervous, he had hinted about it before but I could not see it. I wanted him as a friend and a partner for my mom but he was not interested in my mom he was interested in me and wanted to out do both Diego and Joakim. To make them look like chumps compared to him, he wanted to impress me and woo me away from both of them. I had no idea he was in competition because no one else was competing. He set that idea up all on his own, in his head. And in my head I imagined that we would have a more intense accident, this was almost pathetic, a joke, but an accident non the less and it was enough to show me Yorgins hidden side, that Diego wanted me to see. That was the deciding factor for me to tell Yorgin that Diego had predicted the whole event right that morning which is why I asked him those questions.
I then started to wonder that if I did not tell Yorgin would it not have happened? Maybe not, I think Diego knew, I would mention something and that would be enough to set about a chain of events. After that Yorgin went totally silent and refused to speak anymore and just abruptly took me home and I never seen or heard of him again. Well actually I did see him once and the market and he saw me but he ignored me as if he did not know me.
My concern was revealed to me from this event which is why I hesitated in telling Yorgin this to begin with because I was worried I would scare Yorgin, my only friend who lived in Bali away. Who else would I end up scaring away if I stayed with Diego, I wondered? I knew I would not be able to withhold information about him, as you can tell I am not so good at keep stuff in. So if I stayed with Diego I would have to get used to being friendless perhaps. This proved to me that people were not so open to understanding as I thought they would be instead they freaked out. At least Joakim didn’t freak out he was always keen to listen whether he could understand or not. Surely he would stay being a close friend, right?


Chapter 7: Bear in Bali

The day of my mother’s arrival we woke up early rented a car and drove to the airport to collect my momma bear. It was a really nice reunion it had been a year or so since I last saw her in Costa Rica where we had a wonky family reunion. (Which I blogged about as well, for anyone that is interested.) My mother was very friendly to Diego as well. There was no judgment from her at all. Later Diego got a bit emotional saying that this was the first time that he has ever met a mother of a girlfriend with out feeling any judgment from them one way or another. This made me think perhaps it’s going to be fine, perhaps I was worried for nothing, perhaps everything is going to work out and we can all be a happy family.
The ride back home was long and busy due to traffic but I was not paying attention to that very much because the bear and I were catching up, talking a mile a minute. Diego have never heard people talk so much, and so fast. My mom is also a fast talker, even faster then me, but even faster then both of us is my youngest brother Steve whom I call bug.
Diego of course observed silently the best he could while paying attention to the hectic traffic and all the loud noises which he is extra sensitive to due to being partially deaf; so all that talking did not help him accomplish this task.
I showed my mamma bear some of the fruit here that I love that I wanted her to try as its not well know in Canada, such as mangostien that grows abundantly here, and snake fruit which tastes like a combination, of an apple, cheese and a pepper if you can imagine that. It has snake like skin to peel off to hence its name. It is definitely one of my favorite fruits here. There is also rambutan, passion fruit and soursop.
We dropped mom off at her place after going to the market to pick up a few things for her and to make sure she had some coconut water. I set the bear up at a homestay, the same one that Joakim was staying at which was just a across the street from our place. In total this particular homestay had about 5 rooms each with their own bathroom and one shared out door kitchen, that cost about $150-$200 US to stay at per month. The longer one stays the cheaper the price gets as the locals hope they can get a huge amount of cash up front. This is why many people came to Bali and would stay for years paying it all in advance. Joakim at the time was the only one there so it was pretty empty and secluded for him except for the crazy locals that were maniacal to their offering towers and mechanical in their praying chanting and making all kinds of other strange noises for reasons unknown.
My mom and Joakim also got along pretty well to.
That night I took my mom out to dinner to introduce her to Balinese food which she did not like so much which is understandable the Balinese food is not the best food out there and its pretty strange to. Though my mother is pretty picky when it comes to food in general she gets nervous about food very easily. This is due to certain foods can trigger a massive migraine for her which she has had pretty much since she had her first kid. I have witnessed how bad these headaches are for her as she got them more and more as I got older and more family tragedies happened.
My mom and Diego also had their first chat that night and it seemed to go rather well, my mom was asking questions so as to better get to know this Diego that her daughter talked so much about.
Then I sent her to bed like I did with Joakim, and left her alone for the first couple of days. There was also another guy that came to visit us from Argentina but just for a week he was pretty independent and mostly did his own thing focusing on his projects and ventures we only all hang out a couple times he also stayed in the same homestay but was mostly never there. My mom could not pronounce his name or she did it on purpose to be silly, she kept calling him Gonzola but I think the actual name was Gonzalo. Joakim and him often went out together exploring the island and really connected in a short amount of time. My mother took advantage of these two guys living beside her asking them to help her carry her bags and other things a guy should do for a lady. She had been with out a man for a long time she still has her old fashioned ideas of men and how they should be. She also talked their ear off to the point it was too much for them and they soon started to avoid her because she always had some task for them to do. I guess she thought they would also do what ever she asked because they were my friends and wanted to please me by pleasing my mom but not in that way.
We went on many trips with mom we showed her Edept permaculture place but no one was there when we went so their was no serendipity meetings like we had before. We took her to the botanical garden in the north that is Diego’s favorite place in Bali. It however rained a lot while we were there so it was not as pleasant as it usually is. Walking through the garden all wet and muddy makes it a bit more challenging to appreciate the plants as that is my moms passion plants she loves them and is fascinated about them and memorizes everything she can on them. I enticed her in coming to Bali by showing her the exotic plants here and wild orchids that grow everywhere but no flower lasts long as the locals often pluck them all off the tree for their many annoying ceremonies and offerings to their many gods and whatever. Not to mention all the innocent animals they sacrifice during their ceremonies as well.
We took my mom to resort pools because we did not have a pool at our place or anything like that but were around enough resorts to crash and take advantage of their pools which is most tempting so as to find some relief from the scorching hot weather. Its funny how when we take pictures of these resorts people assume that is our home that we are living in a huge mansion that we are lying about not having much money well now they know its just resorts we visit, our house is a one bedroom simple humble place. The first pool I showed mamma bear I became a bit mischievous and pushed her in the pool but my mom being the feisty hen she is (she hates when I call her that by the way 😉 hi mom I know your reading this, I’m sorry (not really) but it was the most fitting word at the time.) Anyway being the feisty one she is, she grabbed onto me as I pushed her in so I would go into the pool with her. That is my mom for you; if I’m going down I’m taking you with me. She is one tough farm girl even now. You know what they say you can take the girl away from the farm but you cannot take the farm out of the girl. But even though she was tough I always found myself having to be the mother to my mother.
Also at that time I was informed that another person was planning on coming on visiting us in a couple weeks from now and that was a girl from Japan named Nori.
So many people came to visit us all at once and I had only been in Bali for a couple of months and conveniently people just felt inspired to come out here, they all knew me from my project camelot and lilou mace interviews. They did not know much about Diego and his posts but were interested to find out more.
We took mom out dancing one night, she was eager to meet a man and I was sure their were men their but when we got to place their were no men but lots of older woman dressed to the nines and on the prowl. Mom is not aggressive in this female competition way, so she just danced as much as she could on her own even though it was salsa night and everyone was dancing with someone even two girls together. But neither me nor Diego nor joakim were dancers let alone salsa dancing so it was just her dancing on her own. I was trying to figure out where were all the guys I spotted just before she arrived I was seeing guys everyone and now it was like they all disappeared into some mysterious portal.
The locals embraced my mother some have even taken her under their wing. They even did their best to teach my mom to be able to be a master weaver, making a simple small spirit offering basket made with one large blade of grass and a small stick its interesting and complex, origami out of grass.

I was also playing cupid with Joakim trying to hook him up with girls we met while exploring Bali. As he asked me early into his arrival if I knew who his soulmate is and if I could tell him or at least give him a hint so he would recognize her. I felt awkward with this because I no longer felt comfortable to do stuff like that anymore. I know many watched my videos and read my blogs and heard I could do stuff like that but I knew it would not help a person to understand their confusion and dismantle it. Why it could even turn into a distraction. Also I was having doubts perhaps I could not do such a thing after all. Perhaps I was just deluded myself and others into thinking I could, thus making it a placebo effect unconsciously. This was same with my healing and all the other things. As non of what I thought were my abilities not even my jessage worked on Diego like it did with other people as he was under no enchantment with me like everyone else seemed to be.
I really did not want to get stuck in this lightworker game again, I was just coming out of it and I was seeing how easy it was to fall back into old patterns and consensus into being seen as special and gifted. Yuck get me away from this please!

Since my mom had a lot of time on her own she was always looking to make new friends but the people she found were mostly confused and messed up people ones that were looking to take advantage and exploit my mom. My mom is more innocent, naive and childlike then most people her age. A particular experience she had was with these people that seemed really nice and invited her to attend this thing called family constellations to sit in and watch. She went and felt most uncomfortable with the calling in the higher beings aliens and whatever. They did some prayer and then a person who paid a lot talked about their traumas. Then some other people that were volunteers did some reenacting/channeling of focused persons trauma. So this person could relive that experience and deal with it. In the way they always wanted to; but did not have courage. So as to reprogram their mind about their trauma, so they no longer suffer or feel to be held back because of it. This in someway is supposed to heal the person but it was very freaky to my mom. Something did not feel right, and she was expected to make a donation on top of that, otherwise people would judge her, she really dislikes this. She was also expected to come back and join them maybe even share her trauma and have others reenact it, which is not cheap. They were super nice to her until she said, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” Then these so seeming nice and conscious people totally snubbed her saying, “she is not one of us or conscious enough like us, her energy is not good and she did not give us a decent enough love appreciation donation.” (puke)
This experience made my mom even more lonely in Bali because most of the people her age were heavily into family constellations and since she was not one of them when ever they saw her around they would instantly snub her and talk about her behind her back. Wow so conscious indeed. Family constellations really is a huge creepy cult that is taking over Bali like some kind of virus it makes people really weird here that is what we have noticed. The woman who is the head of them is very creepy as well and is making so much money on exploiting lonely people in this scam called family constellations. “That is why its called family constellations Diego said, because its to attract a certain kind of people. Look you can tell who an ideal family constellation candidate is? It is like there is a factory somewhere that is producing these kind of people as they all look the same. They all look like tired zombies. I had to agree as I could clearly see this as well. Diego went on to say, look they act all happy and conscious but really it’s a mask they really are all lonely struggling looking for a family looking for consensus looking to feel special but no matter what they do or how many family constellations they attend they are still a mess you can see it in their face and its really sad.”

After a couple weeks of my mom being in Bali, we talked a little bit more about me and Diego. I shared with her how Diego mentioned to me that she was the first mom to meet him with out judging him and wanted to thank her for that.
She said, “oh, its no big deal, I just thought well I know he is strange looking and has some weird ideas but it does not matter because you told me your not sure about him, that it was only temporary an experience you needed to have so you would no longer have fears or something and would better be able to deal with your ex boyfriend. So I know he is not going to be a part of the family so its fine, he can be however strange he wants to be.” My heart sank and I was slapped with my memory oh yeah I do remember writing to her in my first letter about him, that I do not think he is the one or anything but I still want to give him a couple months and see how it goes and how I like it. I forgot I told her that, I forgot that I thought that way until she reminded me. Then she went on to say that she liked Joakim much more for me, which I knew she was going to say that. She felt also that Joakim, and me were more compatible, that we had more in common, that we had more chemistry and a spark. I could not disagree with her there. I tried to forget I heard that and put that realization on some dusty shelf in the back of my brain and instead started to advocate again how interesting and wonderful Diego is.
“He is such a gentlemen mom he is not rushing into sex like most guys would. He is taking his time and not taking advantage of me or allowing me to sink in empty rebound sex to get over my ex.”
To which she responded with, “Are you sure that is it Jess, because I seem to recall you saying, you felt Diego was not so attracted or into you? And that to me is not very good sign for a couple in the early throws of their relationship. I can see that you’re not very happy with Diego. I can see how red your eyes are from crying. You’re a woman at your peak with needs and you need to have those needs met. Sex is very important, if they are not amorous or into you then your lacking the glue to hold you two together, otherwise its not going to work. Not only that, when you are intimate it needs to be often more then once a day like how it was for me with your dad.”
My response to that was, Ok uh eww and too much information mom thank you anyway but news flash me and Diego are not you and dad. Why can you not see past the past, why compare us?”
My mom then said, “Oh Jessie, I am just trying to look out for you. You’re getting older, your 30 years old now and a woman has to be smart now a days in selecting a partner. She needs to know she can trust him. You need to test your partner like how i did with your father that’s how I knew that he was the one for me.”
“What do you mean mom I asked?
She said, “well a good way to get to know how a man really is to get him drunk; if he is angry then that means he most likely is a violent person. If he is silly then that is a good sign. I for example tested your dad even when we were married when he had these carpentry jobs where he had to do handyman work at a beautiful woman’s place and I knew she into your dad. So I made him a special lunch that made him fart profusely so nothing would happen and nothing did and when he found out I was the one that made him fart like an old john deer tractor, he found it romantic and was more in love with me then ever. (For those of you know me and my humor hearing about my background explains a lot to you guys, hehehe.) Another time when your father kept leaving his clothes on the floor and he never listened when I asked him to pick them up so I one day nailed all his clothes to the floor, and he never left the clothes on the floor again.”
“Uh, but mom I challenged, is that testing or messing with the person?”
“No not at all, if they are a good guy, they will understand and appreciate it.”
“Uh but mom I do not think I can do that.” I said.
“Well she said that’s ok, there are many different ways to test a person. You do not have to use my ways in particular.”
These are the things my mother taught me all my life so grew up thinking that this is what we as woman are supposed to do, but this is just family conditioning.

When I informed Diego about what my mom had told me he was very disappointed in her and really did not like this idea to test a person, he saw it as fear and stupidity. I could see how he saw that but I still went to my mother’s defense, “she is just trying to look out for me. She does not mean any harm, she just does not know any other way and besides how is a person supposed to know if they can trust a person anyway if we do not test them?”
“Trust, he said, is another conditioned mind invented idea, its not real we make it real. Where is trust in nature? If you go out in the forest do the trees trust you? do you trust the trees? Trust is a bond that creates another psychological trap. If a person believes in trust, then they are setting themselves up to be betrayed by the person, and people will betray them because its mathematics, or unconscious reverse psychology. To trust is another belief system it contains an opposite and the opposite is always more stronger and intense then the other side of the scale that only locks people in fluctuating psychology limbo, that is enough to make a person go crazy.”
“Wow, I said, who would have thought that trust is another belief system that needs to be dismantled? Yes Diego I understand this its like people who do good deeds so as to be good, or get some approval with some good deed, or to be ok, or to feel like they are a good person; but its done for duality reasons, thus someone somewhere in the world will feel compelled to do just the opposite. So doing good deeds or random acts of kindness do not really help the world it just further polarizes it.”
“Yes, exactly jess, there are so many words that we think we know but we do not know them at all. We do not know by saying these words that we creating what we fight.”

A few nights later I invited mom over for a dinner in which she and Diego could have a real chat and really get to know each other. Diego asked my mom questions to try to stimulate her mind to get her to think. But for some reason my mom had flipped over to another gear in which pride was saturated in her face as she watched Diego speak waiting for her chance to prove to him that he did not have it all figured out because he did not mention god. My mom suddenly started to compete with Diego and acting like she was smarter then him. Not that Diego cared to compete or to be smarter then anyone. He just wanted her to understand. But my mom refused to let go of her old conditioning. This was shocking to me because my mom never seemed to be that religious to me before, what the heck happened? Diego was scratching the surface with my mom and showing me sides of my mom I was not aware of she had. What is going on here? Did my mom feel threatened or something? I thought she was open minded why was she defending and lording over her beliefs as if it were some kind of victory? Can she not see that it was a counterfeit victory? Did she not see her intelligence and psychological freedom was at stake? How could she not care about this? How could she put her beliefs before her own mind?
It continued like this till late in the night, I was surprised Diego continued to talk with her but he did. Trying what ever way he could to get through her walls in a way were he would try to get her to see she was not thinking; by showing her how much she contradicted herself, but my mom refused to see this. My mom had/has too much pride.
I wondered what happened? She told me she was going to the church just because she felt lonely and needed to meet people. Is that the result when we are lonely or afraid to be alone we end up losing our mind to a belief system that thinks for us?
I really did not like that Diego was showing this to me, about my mother. It made me feel awkward like I was in the middle and had to choose my mother or Diego.

It was made apparent that I did get my negligence from my mother that night Diego made the pasta and fed everyone then himself last and he took such a small amount for himself, while my mom gorged on the pasta polishing off her plate. In asking my mom how she liked the pasta and Diego’s cooking she said, “I could eat more.” So Diego gave her another huge helping and she devoured that to. She did not consider others, maybe they wanted more pasta to. But my mom is used to playing the ‘I am the mother card, I am important, I am priority, I deserve respect cause I am the mother and the oldest you should respect people older then you.’
I knew my mother did not do this on purpose. I am not attacking or picking on my mother. It was her conditioning acting and speaking for her, I understand this all to well now, for I was there and did the same like I shared many times in these blogs. So its not like she needs to feel like she is a bad person, because she is not. She like the many just lack self-observation and if we do not have self-observation we become negligent and stupid, but we were not born this way. What the heck happened to make us this way? It’s not about pointing fingers and pointing at one person because this is every-ones root problem; it’s a collective and historical problem as well.


Chapter 8: The Invisible Jelly Fish and The L Word

The next couple days we went and did a road trip with Joakim and my mom to a black sand beach down in Amed. It is not the cleanest beach there are piles of garbage but its not so touristy so Diego prefers to go to this beach, and it is not as trash filled like some of the other beaches I have been to; this one does not have thousands of shoes in the water or dead animals washing up on shore; so ya who wants to come to Bali now? It’s not at all ‘eat pray love,’ it’s not at all what the many think it is.
There are however locals at this particular beach that try to sell you on massages or to buy this and that. But again this is not nearly as bad as in somewhere like Kuta, where they try to sell you something literally every 5 seconds, so its not easy to get any peace on the beach here. Westerners are walking ATM machines to the locals. At this beach we get bothered to buy something about ever 30 minutes or so, which is an improvement compared to the latter options.
There was this one boy that was acting like he was really poor and starving he was really good at convincing others so they would buy his jewelry. We never bought anything from him however. Later on when he was done his shift he immediately flipped over to another mode no longer the pathetic poor boy, we watched as he went to the motorbike parking lot and hoped on the most expensive and pimped out bike their was and drove away.
There we all were sitting on the beach watching the sea when Diego moved to get closer to the sea and I joined him because that’s what you do when your in a couple right? I sat down next to Diego and tried to hold his hand. In my head I planned this as the perfect romantic moment to tell him those special words, I imagined him being so touched and kissing me patiently back in response. I snapped out of my day dream and look dreamy eyed at Diego and I said something like, “you’re my sweetie and I love you.” I wanted my mom to witness our connection and our relationship as the perfect couple, so she could see that we are a good couple and put her doubts to rest.
This is was really not a good idea on my part because of what was behind this action to which Diego responded by picking up a stone and lightly throwing it at my arm. It did not hurt at all but I cried like it did hurt, because I was so shocked that he would do something like that, and in front of my mother and Joakim of all things. I then said as I was trying to hide my tears that poured down my face from everyone to Diego in a low voice hoping my mom did not see that.
“Ouch Diego why would you do something like that?
What the hell is that? Who throws a rock during a potential romantic moment?
And for what because I wanted a little affection from you, is that really so bad am I really so terrible for wanting that from you?
Don’t you care about me, how I feel and what I want?
Don’t you care how this looks to everyone? How people see us?
What did I do that was so bad to make you think I deserved something like that? I am your flower you must be gentle with me.”
I did not wait for Diego to respond instead I just got up and went to the ocean and tried to hide my tears there. I’m going to teach him a lesson I thought so he knows he cannot do stuff like this to me. So I stayed in for a long time swimming mostly by myself pretending I was in this great relationship with myself and I was happy so much so I even managed to convince myself of this but while I was swimming I felt this stinging burning pain all over my arms and upper body. I thought immediately that it was a jellyfish that stung me. I kept checking my skin but could see no marks and I did not see one jellyfish near me the whole time. But I kept feeling the stinging sensation and again no jellyfish. I got out of the sea because it just became no fun anymore being stung by these invisible jellyfish. When I got home I further investigated my body and found I had these red splotch marks everywhere. I looked it up on line and they matched the marks that one gets when stung by a jellyfish; but how surely I would have seen at least one jellyfish?
I really wanted to ask Diego about this but I was still mad at him and was giving him the silent treatment doing my best to avoid him in our tiny place. Which when I think back its just so ridiculous. Its like trying to stay angry with someone your in a tight shoebox with, looking in every direction but theirs, pretending they do not exist, if I did have to talk with him it was cold distant and indifferent. It was like how we pretend everything is fine but it really not.
I wanted him to know I was upset with him, and because I was also in pain I wanted him to feel bad, to feel sorry for me, to see it as all his fault, so that he would want to make it up to me in some way, maybe by some romance and intimacy. I wanted him to know it was not ok for him to do what he did. As I racked my brain trying to understand why he did that and all I could come to was that he is actually a jerk after all that really does not care about me and my feelings, or what I think or want. He does not understand how important it was for me to do all the things that couples do as I never had anything like that before. I never had a normal relationship and I wanted that so badly. I thought I was being clear, ok yes I know he is foreign, and I know he is smart, so surely he could figure this out. For someone so smart how could he be so clueless in something like this? He was the one who had been in so many relationships in the past; he had lots of experience with woman. Surely he knew what they wanted and how to make them happy? Why does he not care about my happiness? All these things I confided with my mom. My mom tried to comfort me, but really did not know what to make of this either.
“I just want you to be happy, she said. If he does not make you happy then you know he is not the right one for you. Oh Jessy why do you do this? Why do you go for men who do not want you fully? Why do you always choose a challenge or something complex? Don’t you care about your happiness? How long are you going to drag this out? I know you brought me out here to meet this amazing, fascinating most curious guy even if he is amazing and what ever that does not make him right for you.”

I tried to explain to her that it was complex; I replied with, “Diego seemed to be someone who could help me deal with my ex. Diego is not intimidated, nor can he be manipulated by my ex. Diego can hold his own and stand up to him if need be to. Not just that I wanted to learn from Diego how to not ever have that same experience again. I know how these patterns repeat and it scares me. If I were to go home could I do it, what if those patterns resume where they left off? My ex, would be there waiting for me doing what he could to get me back, and I am so scared I will not have the strength to stand up to him like so many times before and then to my and everyone else’s dismay find myself back with him again. I did not trust myself with my ex at all. I want to know why such situations happen to so often to so many women? If Diego could help me with that then I would put up with whatever.”
Also there was another factor mom, due to the events of my last relationship I wanted to make sure I did things right. That I had the relationship I had always wanted.
I want to avoid the past at all costs. I wanted to avoid Mr. wrong as well.
But mom, do you see how this is a living paradox; because how could I avoid this if I am confused and do not understand my mind? Then confusion and Mr. wrong would automatically be who-ever I was with or whoever came into my radar, because I was still holding onto my conditionings. Its not the guy I’m not compatible with but its my mind and thoughts that are not compatible with me myself. I am always chasing the carrot on my head making me forever running to stand still. I can see that and so I am trying to do what I can so this never happens again to me. I want to become a fear expert like Diego, so I am no longer at the mercy of and always made into fear’s bitch”

“Yes, but Jess, maybe its not that complicated, maybe you just make it complicated? What if it has nothing to do with that at all? What if it is just some poor decisions you made on choosing a partner? Maybe I came to Bali because I am supposed to bring you back home with me? You know your more then welcome anytime, I will help you get over this.”
“No mom, I am not ready to go back yet, not yet I can’t.”
“Now, Jess why do you have to be like that? Your not doing well, I am worried about you. I am having a hard time recognizing you. I want my Jessica back.”

After that I left to go for a walk trying to think what to do and process everything to make a decision?
I was exhausted with being sad, puffy faced confused and frustrated all the time, maybe I had accept that Diego was out of my league and just too different for me and impossible to understand. Maybe my mom was right, after all it sure looked like all the evidence pointed to this and also to something else or should I say someone else?
I found myself walking right to Joakim’s door.
“Hi Jess, how is it going?” Joakim asked” I tried my best to explain how I was feeling in a diplomatic way.
And when I was done, he said, “well jess Diego is a good guy, and I am sure it is tough, all relationships have their challenges, but I do not think he meant to throw a rock at you. I think he was just playing or it happened by accident.
You do not really know because you’re ignoring him, which is not good. I myself do not know much about relationships but what I do know is that there should always be communication, that’s how it is going to be when I meet a girl, that’s how I would be if I was with you.
Just know am here for you, we are good friends and I like that. I like how easy you are to talk to, it’s not like that with most girls.”
“But we do communicate Joakim, sometimes it seems its all we do or all he wants to do. Its just in a unique way and its still not enough because I still do not understand him and he does not seem to understand me, at least not in the ways that are most important to me. So maybe we are just not right for each other. It seems to my mom and I that you’re more right for me. Maybe my mom is right on this one after all.”
“That’s a good one Jess, you almost had me there.”
“No, Joakim, I am being serious have you ever thought of us being together what it would be like?” I asked.
“We do have chemistry, I will not deny that but Jess I will not entertain such thoughts. I would always push them away because I know Diego is a good guy and I would never do that to someone.”
“No me neither Joakim, I have been faithful with every guy I have been with and I am not referring to that. But I have been thinking how if i was not with Diego I would be with you, I am pretty sure about that and now I am considering that, maybe this is the better way for everyone. Diego seems to have his special connection with Azropia and I do not stand a chance next to her. I think she has his heart, which is why he will not open up to me. I am sure I am a pain for Diego anyway making his life harder then it has to be. I do not know if he is happy with me, or even why he really wants to be with me, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.”
“So, Joakim said’ what do you want to do?”
“I think I will talk to Diego about this and then I will see where to go from there hold tight Joakim I will let you know how it goes.”

Diego was on his computer and I sat on the bed and stared at my feet for a bit, then I started to talk. “I want to talk with you. I am not sure what kind of relationship this is? There is no romance, hardly any physical intimacy interactions, we have no chemistry, no cuddling, no support, no sharing activities and things we enjoy or like to do with each other and we have no understanding. In which I mean I try to understand you but you do not want to understand me no matter how I try to explain to you what I would like and so on. I think you can agree this is not a relationship. That you and me together are not working. There are so many things that I need in a relationship that you’re not able to give me, or do not want me and I do not want you to change for me either. We are not doing what couples should be doing.
I know you know I do not understand you either and make your life harder and more annoying then it needs to be, and I just do not know what you want from me. We do not feel like a couple to anyone, not even me. So I do not know what we are exactly? And I cannot get over that you threw a stone at me purposely or what the heck happened to me when I went swimming in the ocean. Do you know what happened to me in the ocean? I know they are jellyfish marks but why couldn’t I see them?”
Then Diego responded, “First of all I do not care if we have chemistry or not. Nor do I care if we are compatible, or even if have much in common or anything like that, its not that important in a relationship.”
“Uh what do you mean it’s not important everyone says these are the things to look for in order for a relationship to work?” I challenged Diego back on his strange logic that did not fit the norm.
“I do not care what everyone thinks, because they are not thinking, they are just imitating and pretending how they think a relationship should be which is why it often turns into a mess. I do not care about having a normal relationship. I do not care what others think either. I am not in a relationship with other people but it seems like you are.”
“I just do not want to hurt you Diego.” I said
“You can not hurt me so do not worry about that. He said and do but do not push me to be normal, or do what other couples do. I am not going to give you want you want. A relationship is not supposed to be about giving and taking drugs to one another in which one partner is the drug dealer or controller. Speaking of controller do not forget your ex controlled you with sex do not make me do the same thing, you cant and its not you anyway. Its just your past conditioning of what you think is normal, what the world thinks is normal, is not normal at all. And as for romance, it’s a hoax and someone else’s idea, and I do not care about that, you will never see me give you flowers and all that kind of stuff. I mean even if I did all those things it would not be enough, indeed it is not in any relationship that plays that game, same with sending constant text messages saying I love you do you love me? Nonsense.”
(It is true that to Diego this is not only nonsense to him but even calling your partner terms of endearment such as sweetie honey, darling is totally ridiculous to him I remember when I called him sweetie he did not know why I called him sweetie and kept asking me why I called him that and what does it mean really? I thought it was just something with lost in translation but it really did make no sense to him and it was so hard to get over not using these terms of endearment as I used them all the time and especially find that we mechanically do it with our partners because we think that is how we need to be. While I was thinking about this and the word love hit me, and I wondered why did that word upset him?
“So is that the reason why you threw a rock at me because I said I love you? I was just trying to express my feelings for you.”
“First off I did not throw a rock at you, I lightly dropped it on you and you know it because you did not feel pain though you pretended like you did for some consensus which I refused to give. I know that consensus monster and I refuse to feed it and the confusions and fights it brings. I used the rock to snap you out of that spell, you needed a bit of a shock, but it was not enough. Rather then thinking you retreated more into consensus, you were not saying you love me anyway, you were saying your love for your idea of love and it is not the same.”
“No it is not true, I argued, I do L word you, but what can I do? I want to say it but I can’t, but I’m now scared to say that word to you. So is that not controlling of you?”
“No, he said, I just want you to think about what you’re saying, and why you’re saying it? What your really saying and what is behind it?
If your confused and infected with a virus of an ocean of conditioning then you cannot love anyone, no one can love anyone, they can only love their ideas.
Why do you think it’s so easy to fall in and out of love with a person, how interchangeable the person is; that we say the same thing to other partner as well? The same program gets played out regardless which leads to fights, but because we are confused and we do not see or realize that we think. I know people will argue with me on this and say no, the problem is I need to find my soul-mate then everything will be ok. But that is never the case so why don’t people think further down the line; rather then to get upset and keep assuming and hoping, when it is clear it’s not working? Love is the most misunderstood word ever it’s been abused and used to abuse others.” To the many what they call love is actually fear because so many are afraid to lose what they love and then they do and so they become bitter and destroyed because of this ready to go to war and fight internally or externally for what ever with out thinking things through.
No one has ever been in love or knows really what it is because if we did the world would not be how it is and beliefs would not rule and control our psyche this is not my opinion, this is a fact this is history and reality.”
This was a bit hard to take but I could not argue because I could not help being able to see what he was getting at and that was even harder because of the realization that I always knew yet pretended I did not. Instead I gave into the cliché patterns and thinking and all the traps that went with it. We really do know, we just do not want to know, so we convince ourselves of this and act dumb, get lost in conditioning, answers and information; so we do not have to ever face what we already know. It’s so easy to pretend we do not know and play victim. The problem is we have done such a good job of convincing ourselves, its like a bad habit now, that once you know you have a problem is not enough to stop yourself from doing the same thing over and over again, case and point what happened next.

Diego then said, “which brings me to the jellyfish, since you were still feeding your virus after the rock was tossed, rather then thinking you went in the ocean so then something a bit more intense had to happen to help you to understand but rather then taking the opportunity to understand you got upset and blamed me. But I did not do it, someone else did, which is why you could not see them, but you sure were able to feel them and you have the marks all over your body to, but do not worry your body will regenerate itself.”
“Who is that someone I asked? Wait never mind I know. Its Azropia isn’t it? What the heck why would she do something like that? Was she displeased with me and felt the need to punish me or was she jealous? I know you and her have this special connection that I cannot even begin to understand. If she wants you and you want to be with her I am ok with that. I do not want to hold either of you back. Your more right for each other anyway and she can understand you in a way I never can, and I know what that means to you. And do not worry about me, because I was thinking maybe me and Joakim would be a pretty good match, don’t you think?”
Diego replied with, “Jess were you not listening to me at all or where you just listening and thinking through your conditioning assumptions confusions fake ideals again?”
“No I am listening (as to me at that time I thought I was now, as I write this I am cringing.) I just think it will be easier and more right this way, that’s all.”
“You still do not understand he said, Azropia does not care at all about jealousy I do not think she could be if she tried. Nor is it really that she is displeased, she just wanted you to snap out of it, to see that how you were thinking was trapping yourself yet again.
“What how can something as innocent of me saying I love you be a trap, that makes no sense?”
Diego went on, “Do you see if Azropia thought in the same way then she to would be trapping herself. This is not about love or romantic relationships or being with each other through out time or anything like that. It’s about co-working, co-sharing, co- understanding so we can all get out. This is why I say your not listening and if you want to continue on with this then, Ok decide who you rather be with, its your decision not mine and then get back to me. But if you choose him there is no coming back to me. I refuse to play the on again off again game.”

Then I went off on my own again to think.
As I asked myself, what if Diego is right and I am so conditioned and that my conditioning is protecting itself by thinking through me and looking for solutions to keep itself safe?
I am telling myself things will be better with Joakim and maybe in some ways it would be, but eventually our confusion would take over again a relationship with someone else would not help me to understand or dismantle this and could even add to even more confusion and conditioning. And I really honestly do not want the cliché normal relationship and life that most end up having (romance, married, kids, retire and then die or divorce fight then die.) It would be interesting to be able to dismantle relationships and love and peak behind the curtain and see what is beyond this? Hmm decisions which one is stronger in me the desire for the cliche or curiosity of what’s behind the curtain?
I was soon to realize it did not matter which one I would choose because both of these desires would wage a major war inside me for a whole year. In which I would swing back and forth like a pendulum that would end up making me so exhausted and frustrated beyond what I could fathom. This is what happens when we play favorites with something inside our psyche with out a total and profound understanding what we are doing our ideals quickly becomes a belief system and thus always duality and conflict internally then externally.
Also I was determined to understand how and why so many people end up in abusive relationships would I be able to understand that pattern people develop while in relationships, enough so to dismantle it, or just get stuck in it yet again? Besides if I choose Joakim or even to go back home with my mom, to totally throw in the towel then my chances of getting out of the limbo trap that all man kind find themselves in greatly decreases or goes away entirely. Diego and Azropia know the traps so well they have been here in this limbo for so long and have been spending this time understanding the prison so as to get out and for some reason they are willing to show me all the traps as well. (Like the main character in the movie ‘Groundhog Day’ after a while he is so familiar with the pattern and he stops trying to control and manipulate and instead understands more)
Yet here I am fighting and making dramas with them, which they will not give into. All because of my stupid conditioning that is practically almost impossible to shake.

I then went and talked to Joakim again he was excited to see me and curious about what I had decided.
“I think I should stay with Diego.” I blurted out right away. Yes it is hard and not at all what I thought a relationship with him would be, but I feel this pull in me that I must continue on with this no matter what. I have fallen down my own rabbit hole and there is no going back. Had you and i met before I came to Bali then for sure something would have happened between us and maybe there is a time line of this somewhere but for some reason life stepped forward and opened a door in the ground that I must explore. I am sure if I leave Diego then this opportunity will expire as well there would be no going back to him. I keep thinking if I did leave and tried to come back that I would find when I went to his place that the whole house had disappeared like in the movie ‘Poltergeist’ where the home implodes and disappears into some void and if I ask the neighbor’s about Diego they would all say, “Who? Never heard of him,” as if he never existed. My being with Diego and what he is showing me feels like some glitch out of time and space. You know how he always uses that metaphor about being stuck on a deserted island that if that happened to us that our aloneness would make our depression and most of our existential problems go away, because people is where most of our psychological struggling and discord comes from? Well that is what it feels like, as if I am on a deserted island I’m not sure how but that feeling is so strong. We do not go out because he wants to be isolated and alone so I can fully understand what aloneness means and why we really try to avoid it so much.”

Then Joakim spoke, “Well Jess, I have to say that I am upset, not that you chose Diego over me, but because you told me that I had a chance; you got my hopes up for nothing. I had that door closed and when you said I could open it even a bit, now it’s already a bit too painful for me. I am not sure how to handle something like this. I feel awkward not just around you but Diego to, and I really did not want to do this. I came here to work on my confusion not add to it. I think it is best that we do not hang out as much as we did before especially not because it will be too painful for me. We cannot go back to how things were either. We cannot just be friends and forget you said what you did, because I can’t and nor can I fake either. I need to be on my own its better that you go now.


Chapter 9: The 2012 Delusion = to More Con-fusion

During the following week I stayed at home with Diego though he mostly did his own thing. So I had to do my own thing to but I was having great troubles doing what I did before, but I was determined to dismantle that to. I started to see my mamma bear less and less, which is a bit strange. I mean I invite her out here then I do not see her that much and my mom spends all her time mostly alone. I did not feel so good about this so I was always in guilt saying to myself I better see my mom or before I know it time will slip by and she will be back in Canada and I will be angry at myself that I did not see her when I did. I had this huge list of all these thing I would do with her and now time was fast going by and we had not done any of the things I promised. Ah I am terrible daughter, annnnnd there is that conditioning again. When I did manage to see my mom I was either in my head or totally distracted, or I was impatient even curt with her, or emotionally distraught; from the dismantling process, which my mom did not understand, she took it like I was being a masochist of some kind.
My mom though was good sport and tried to make the most of her time on her own doing things she always wanted to do. But in the rare days I saw her we would spend time by the pool while my mom worked on teaching herself how to swim. I had no idea she was so afraid of water always thinking she was going to drawn not wanting to go into the deep end of the pool. When she was able to finally swim she was like a 5-year-old constantly saying, Jess look at me? Watch, watch, your not watching, hey I saw you look away.” She always wanted my attention, to always watch her or look at this and look at that. I decided to lend my mom my camera so she could make her own video journals for her friends back home. But my mom is so bad with working electronics always finding something to make it more challenging then it is. I suspect it’s actually her insisting to hold onto her old school ways. She still does not know how to use facebook, and she finds it too overwhelming, too much for her to keep track of.

Before I knew it, it was the end of 2012 I spent this day alone with Diego, as I waited for something to happen. Diego did say nothing would happen and sure enough nothing happened. But all over facebook that day people were saying oh I feel the energy of this day wow its so powerful. So many just convinced themselves that something was happening cause they could not handle that nothing was happening. While others made things happen to the point it really upset me. Such as people convincing themselves they had been given messages to kill their kids, because they were thought to be the anti christ and if they did not do it, then their would be no shift; and they must do it before 2012, and so they did then when they saw nothing had happened they killed themselves.
“Is that the shift?” Diego said?
“I don’t know.” I said.
“I do, it is the shift, he said, but is not the shift that people think. Its not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. The confusion is going to spill out in ways that will increase the percentage of depression in the world. (Sure enough that is exactly what happened.) People are looking for a way to escape their confused life but there is nowhere they can go. The more they try to push it away the more intense it will get for them, to the point they will speed up the extinction of their species.”
“But Diego, its not their fault they are just conditioned, isn’t it a bit harsh?”
Its not my opinion, and its not choice, its just a fact. It cannot keep going this way no way. So many refuse to think and understand, they will continue to fight and make a mess of their life at all costs. Hence this new age thing, which I had no idea how rampant this stuff was until I met you Jess. These new age spiritual motivational speakers/healers are spreading confusion like a wild fire; this is a crime. I would not be surprised if the major speakers in this field are being funded by big pharma.
The only thing people can do is either plant some seeds in their psyche so as to evolve into something less confused or work on their own dismantling so as to free themselves.”
I then said, “The messed up thing about this Diego is these people think they are helping and are acting this way because they think it will make them evolve or shift. Though its clear we have been deluding ourselves. I can think in time like you, I can think historically and in the future as well. The mathematic equation for this if we continue down this ‘love light be positive conscious and happy way’ if we think that is all there is to life or the solution to life and what we should strive for, then we are steering ourselves to a time line reality limbo. It reminds me of 2 ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes titled ‘It’s a Good Life.’ ‘The Simpsons’ did their own version in a Halloween episode where everyone is forced to be happy and positive out of fear of a little boy that will do terrible things if they are not. So the people are forced to be in fear and fake. But in our own realities case it would not be because of a small boy (though this can be thought to be jesus, in which because of baby jesus we have to be good or else.) but because of society, our conditioning, our peers, friends and family who are already and always trying to make us this way.
The other ‘Twilight Zone’ episode that this reminds me of its called ‘Number 12 Looks Just Like You.’ In which in the future everyone has attractive healthy bodies and are drinking this happy juice that prevents people from thinking negative or independent thoughts. When one girl refuses to change her body into the typical attractive prototype because she wants to be who she is and not like everyone else the others start to think that there is something wrong with her, that she is crazy, and has not taken enough happy juice. She is not being positive at all, she is being negative to them, and eventually she is forced and tricked into doing the procedure to be just like everyone else.
This is scary because it is so very similar to where our world is heading to if we continue down the superficial new age path.
Its really baffling to me that people can not see the world they are setting up for themselves? Indeed our inner pictures of how we think things are and how we think they should be, are extremely fragmented and lack full thought.
So many times we think we want something we strive for it then when we get it and find it’s not what we thought. Yet for all the times this has happened to us we still insist to continue in this way. Thus always having to deal with the disappointing even bad surprises. Now here people are waiting for the shift doing what ever they can to help it along because it sounds nice and ideal, yet there is no thought if they will actually like it, or that it will be what they think? The other curious thing is that this waiting for something to save us or change is a lot like a carrot dangled over the nose. Now that 2012 is gone and over with the many new cage/age spiritual speakers to cover their asses say, “oh sorry its not 2012 its now 2025 or 2050.” I am sure when we get to these dates then others will keep moving it. If you try to bring this up to people to challenge them to think about this waiting deal they get mad saying your negative as if your trying to get them to take off their rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is and all that we have done in the name of our thoughtless beliefs, ideas, desires, and hopes.?
This is was such a profound realization that when I got asked to do an interview with Evita Ochel I agreed to do it but only if I was able to talk about my change and not my old stuff This video interview can also be found on the main page of my website. I thought it would discourage people from writing me regarding my old content, surprisingly it has not worked so well and I still get many letters for new age nonsense which I now find to be most nauseating.


Chapter 10: Nori-roll

The early new year brought us another visitor a girl from japan whom I like to call Nori-roll. I also had her stay in the same area as my mom and Joakim. Nori-roll is a very sweet girl that everyone enjoyed very much. She found me through my videos but was also interested in my change and about Diego. She was not upset or challenged at all about the things we shared it all to her it was interesting and exciting, especially the really out there stuff as it sparked her imagination and fantasy. She really enjoyed all the stories I shared about my experiences with Diego, she was never once weirder out by anything I said. Nori-roll was also a really kind of cutesy Japanese girl, with adorable doll like outfits, and had little knickknack toys and snacks that she brought for as a gift to us. She had this really sweet sing song voice as well that was nice to listen to. She said she always felt connected to me, and even translated some of my videos into Japanese for me. She always thought if we ever met we would be good friends, she felt we had much in common and now that I was in Bali I was assemble enough for her. So just like that she booked a ticket and before I knew it she was also in Bali. The first few days, we spent lots of time talking and getting to know each other of course it was like that in the beginning but as I continued to struggle with my dismantling process of conditioning I did not want to visit as much and so when I was in the mood to hang out it would be with everyone at once so it was Nori, Joakim and my mom that would go on little explorations and adventures together of course Diego was not always keen on joining the group and mostly ended up doing his own thing.
One adventure that comes to mind with Nori and Joakim is when I decided to take them to this really unique art house and to visit a friend of Diego’s that was also visiting Bali at that time. She was a stunt woman for the movie ‘Avatar’ I only met her once but that was enough to establish a connection. I decided to try to visit her again as I was telling Joakim and Nori about her and this place she was staying at. We ended up arriving there pretty late our friend was not able to visit for very long. So after exploring the place rather then cabbing back I talked them into walking back I was sure it was not so far away but it actually was; but in my head I was thinking of another place that was not that far. So we started to walk and it was getting dark and it rained for the first part of the journey as well, we had no umbrellas so we all got soaked. However everyone was in good spirits about it. We kept on walking on not sure if we were going in the right direction. I was starting to realize that we were a lot more father then I thought. Yet I was sure if we kept walking in this direction that we would end up in this area called ‘Sunset Hill’ that Diego took me to a couple of times. Well I was right about this but by that time it was dark and muddy. Nori was the only one that had a flashlight; actually it was a tiny pathetic disco like flashlight that was more like a laser pointer. It was the only light we had for the path. We did the whole walk through the park we were muddy and wet but we eventually made to the main road and from their I was able to get lead everyone home. It was about a 2 and a half hour walk that we did. When we got back we told Diego all about it.
He said, “wait you walked through ‘Sunset Hill’ in the dark and in the rain and with that poor excuse for a flashlight?”
“Yes.” we said.
Diego then informed us and said, “I guess you do not know that none of the locals dare to do that, as it’s a total death wish to do something like that. Its full of green snakes and pythons there, they lay on the path and do not care if a person comes they are not afraid at all and if you step on them your dead.”
“ Really, I said, we did not see any snakes non at all actually.
I started to lose my chipper mood realizing that I had put my friends in serious danger. We were lucky but damn it, I have to be more careful and be more attentive. When Joakim and Nori left I started to think about the odds of not seeing snakes there and I realized that it was almost impossible. So how could it be that when we walked through there was not one snake? Later it was confirmed that Diego and someone else had something to do with this. He knew we were walking through there and he either adjusted the time lines or spoke with the snakes or did something to keep the snakes from the path.

Another experience with snakes that happened around this time was while in the middle of watching bicentennial. Diego’s favorite part of the movie was when the robot finds a spider and rather then responding with fear and violence like humans tend to do when they encounter a spider this robot instead lightly touched it and then gently put it out in the garden.
“It’s a sad thing when robots are more sensitive and attentive then people.” he said then he went down stairs to have a cigarette I for some reason followed him maybe we were talking and I wanted to continue this chat outside with him. He then went the pond and was doing something but I do not know what. There was a green snake near by that he did not see or had a misunderstanding with I can not recall how and why exactly it happened but Diego ended up getting bitten by a baby green mamba. Now most people would die from something like this. Diego was in pain I could tell but was busy assimilating the venom, he refused to go to the hospital or let me help him in anyway.
“Are you sure Diego?”
“Yes I am fine I am lucky it only bit me with one fang and he used only a little bit of venom.” I was nervous to sleep even. I was afraid to wake up and find Diego dead beside me. But he managed to assimilate all the poison, which is what he does for any germ virus bacteria or poison. “Its what mushrooms do as well. He said so the intelligence can be merged.” The next day I watched him as he pushed the potted plants into the pond where the snake was sitting on, then he threw a few more things in the pond; though I do not know what it was exactly. But from then on, there were no snakes seen near our pond for 8 months, where as before they were there every-night. Diego only allowed babies on the yard there were never any adults that I saw. He was always concerned about the snakes and did his best to make sure the locals did not see the snakes, because they would kill them right away, so he was always finding ways of preventing this from happening.

We were not able to do that much with Nori while she was here because she arrived just when rainy season started. So the whether never permitted us to do much and even when we would go out to lunch we would get stuck in torrential pours and we would get stranded at the restaurant because all the roads and paths and ditches were flooded.
The night Nori was supposed to return to Japan she ended up missing her flight but I should have suspected when Nori came by to say goodbye to Diego he smiled with that knowing look he often has and said, “see you soon, real soon, sooner then you think.” No one thought anything of it. The following day we were supposed to meet up with Joakim but he never showed up and did not respond to any of our messages. We found out later that day why Joakim was unreachable. It was because Nori had missed her flight and only Joakim knew about this. I think she called him to help her out, but that was not the only reason. Joakim and Nori were falling for each other. I later found out that they had spent most of the nights talking and the last night they talked for so long that she ended up being distracted and missing her flight. I think after she was brought back we were informed that it was official they were a couple. When I informed Diego he said, “I know.”
“Of course you do, I said, you little stinker, I did not have you pegged for a cupid as well, nice work.”
“No it’s not cupid or anything like that, he said, its just mathematics.”
“Of course it is.” I said, as I was now getting familiar to his responses. Now it made sense why Nori asked me if I would be ok if they hooked up? I did tell her all that happened between him and me as well. I’m sure joakim told her his version as well. Nori ended up staying an extra week and from then on her and Joakim were inseparable. I was and am really happy for them. Shortly after Nori left back to Japan, Joakim went to Japan to be with her. He ended up extending his stay in japan for a couple more months. Then he went back to Sweden and Nori followed shortly after that. And they are still together and are our first EOF relationship hook up, on the soon to be EOF dating project. The next couple to hook up through the EOF would also be with a girl from japan, but I am getting ahead of myself.


Chapter 11: Encounters with Black Magic

a)–Charge Strait into the Torpedo- I was having a relaxing night when Diego said, “I am going for a night drive do you want to come with me? However you should know there is a good chance we will get in a bad bike accident and be seriously hurt or even die. Do you still want to come?”
“Uhmm, I said, I do not know, that does not sound very tempting, why the heck are you telling me this? Can I change this at all I like changed other things?”
“Perhaps.” he said, we will see, only one way to find out.
Do you want to come yes or no? he asked again. Its ok its just fear, remember the frogs they go to the pond anyway even though they know there are snakes, they do not let fear rule them or make any decisions for them. You know there is this story about this submarine that had this torpedo launched at it and what the submarine did was went full speed into the torpedo as it had a timer of when it would explode. The only chance the sub had was to destroy it before it could blow so it crashed its submarine into it and destroyed the torpedo, that is how we should handle fear to.”
“Well ok, I said, I will come.” I remember I felt nervous but not scared. Diego was going very fast on the bike, faster then we usually would go and I asked Diego,
“I thought you said you knew our time lines and that we will not die till later on in life?”
“Time lines are always changing.” he said.
“Ah that is why one must be attentive at all times right? So they can perceive the shifting time lines so as to navigate themselves on the junctions of the railway tracks, so you can see ahead and know which junction to take? That is why in order to be attentive one must be clear and not have confusion or a busy searching mind as it distracts them from perceiving in every possible direction like an owl? This is why we have so many accidents and atrocities in the world and this is what your getting at when you write your posts.”
“Yes that is exactly correct.,” he said.
I stopped talking I was lost in thought as he drove faster and we had no helmets on. Time acts different while in motion be it fast or slow time can even skip and trip. We drove down a dark alley and ended up in some rural village where Diego stopped and got off the bike and started to walk towards this banyan tree and some Balinese temple. Some locals dressed in ceremonial clothes cut our walk short, they shouted at us to get our attention. They wanted to talk but it was the usual annoying talk from them, such as, “where you go? Where you from? Where you stay?” For some reason I did not want to make eye contact with them; I just looked down at the ground there was something weird about them. They had this weird look on their faces I did not like it. Diego calmly answered their questions in a vague way, we know to never give personal info to a local not because it was dangerous its more annoying they can just show up and bother you, and it was hard enough as is to have privacy in Bali from the locals.
After that we got back on the bike, Diego said, “they were doing black magic that is why they they were acting especially weird. As we drove on I remember how all the male locals suddenly were out and sat on the side of the road all looking at us as if they could see something on us, that they knew something that we did not. How could they all know just like that? It did not seem to matter where we drove, they still suddenly were all out watching us. They were so creepy; Bali can be a totally different entity in night, depending where you are mostly when in small villages and near temples you can feel really uneasy queasy feelings.
Then all the dogs that were out, that was totally calm before, started barking and chasing us. When the dogs did this Diego stopped the bike to let the dogs catch up, Diego turned around and growled at them if the dogs kept perusing us after that then Diego would chase the dog with his bike and every time the dogs retreated. He especially liked when the dogs acted all tough and mean but were wagging their tail that meant they were friendly and they were just doing their job.
“What’s going on Diego?” I asked?
“Oh the dogs are just doing their job protecting their domain.”
“Yes but they did not do that before with us, its as if they sense that there is something different with us. Could they detect as well that we were marked with black magic?”
Diego continued to drive extremely fast and I was bracing myself well this is it here we go but I was also perceiving time lines and plucking them like strings on a guitar to make them move in waves. Just when we are so close to making it home right near the entrance to our place where there is a little bridge Diego miscalculated and hit the corner of the bridge and bike fell over and I rolled down the little hill while Diego got pined under the bike. As I rolled and hit the ground I was laughing I do not know why it was funny but it was. For me thinking about an accident is always more scary then the actual experience of it.
We both got scratched up a bit Diego poured peroxide on all our wounds then heated a knife with his lighter and put it down on our wounds to as to accelerate the body regeneration process, I am not sure why it works but it does.
“Very good, he said, you countered the black magic nicely.”
“ Uh, I did it?” I said.
“ Yep he said. You were driving the bike not me. Now they are going to get what they sent to us back ten fold.”
“What? No, Diego, I was not driving the bike you were, what are you talking about? And now way I do not want to do something like that, to them.”
“Its not something you or I are doing. It’s not revenge either or who is better then who that’s just plain stupid. It’s just the mathematics law and rule of playing with either be it white or dark magic or any polarity for that matter. It makes a boomerang effect so they did it to themselves playing such stupid games.
“Ah I see I said, It does not matter if one chooses to be on the so called good or the so called bad side both sides always will lose because they were duped into fighting, and we are violent when we pick a side. It’s the same with god the devil, negative positive its too sides to the same coin so we are still stuck fighting with both as it makes us bi-polar split mind due to the contradictions of the different conditioning in our psyche. When we do this we are not thinking nor are we being attentive.”
“Yes exactly, he said, this is another mess that comes with holding onto beliefs in either side. Black magic is so stupid and petty.”
I then asked him, “Have the locals here black magic been sent to you before?”
“Yes and its annoying, like some game and test they play around with, but they do not fully understand it. That is why no matter what they do they always get back confusion and more problems.
So just check the newspaper tomorrow and you will see what happens in that area we were just in, were the black magic was done to us. Sure enough due to some heavy rainfall there were landslides in that area and that places we went by had slid down the hill and into the ravine.

b)- The Leyak-  

Diego is super boring when it comes to food as I shared in pervious blogs. Not only does he pretty much only eat pizza for dinner but for lunch he always goes to the same place and orders the same thing with out getting sick of it. Most of the time we would see our guests for lunch in which we would all meet at the same place for lunch but my mamma bear started to get restless and look for other places to eat, and she ended up finding this cute little place tucked away that happens to be near macjagers and david bowies Bali get away place. One day my mom showed me the little warung (restaurant in Balinese) it was run by a little old lady that seemed to be fond of my mom; she gave her a lot of food for very little money and the food did not have much bugs and hair in it, which is always a bonus here. So I decided to show Diego the place and yeah, he liked it to, so for a bite we would go there to eat.
Now for those of you who do not know which I am sure that is most of you a Leyak is a woman that can turn into a cat and back again. The locals are afraid of leyaks because they are predators that target pregnant woman and feed on the energy of the child so the baby that is targeted is born dead. They are also able to throw their heads around and make them fly around. Leyaks are not bad or evil it’s just their nature they are preditors, they simply do not know any other way to be and they are very much drawn and attracted to confusion. I know it just sounds like some Balinese superstition but we have friends who have seen a girl leap under a table and she would disappear and there would be a cat instead where she used to be. Another time he saw the cat go under the table and out of the other side came a girl. This is no magic trick, there is nowhere a person could hide and just switch with a cat like that. Yes Leyaks are very much real, among with a bunch of other bizzaro things that go bump in the night in Bali.
So anyway shortly after we came back from eating at that new place. And hearing how the old lady had just came back from a funeral of a baby that had died.
Diego was having tech problems with all his phones and his computer it was to was acting up. Ok it’s a thing to have one thing not working another thing to have everything all at once or in sequence not working. Then later that night right when we were about to go to bed and I was going down the stairs to the bathroom and to turn off the lights. There on the floor was a large green snake; I immediately backed up the stairs as I came to grips with what I was seeing in the house. They never came in the house before, its very unusual for a green snake to come in the house; as they are mostly by ponds where the frogs are. I did have a huge pile of clothes and my backpack open on the floor that Diego always suggested I not do that unless I wanted to find a cobra tucked into my backpack somewhere, as they tend to like warm places like that. So it was more likely for a cobra to come in the house not a green snake. And I shouted for Diego, to come. Diego knew exactly what to do, he started snapping his fingers, that’s how to communicate with it, as they speak through sound vibration. Then Diego, grabbed an umbrella and started to point and poke at it a bit so as to guide the snake out the door into the garden, then off into the jungle. I was surprised how the snake listened and just did what Diego wanted with out any problems.
It was very interesting to see how Diego reacted to all this and how he knew exactly what to do. I mean most people would be upset with an event like this. They would feel scared, or they would say why me? Or they would take it personal perhaps feeling special and seeing it as their purpose to vanquish evil before it vanquishes them. Many people would judge this Leyak saying its evil or a threat, but Diego was not upset that this Leyak felt no remorse either. “Its not supposed to have remorse, he said, and its not evil either its just a predator doing what it does. No animal feels remorse when it has to kill another for survival. This is not a game, or a sport, or a pleasure to them like the sick people today.”
Diego seemed to have an understanding for a being like this.
As for the situation or the series of unfortunate events he did not care, to him it was boring and that’s what he had to say about it. He was not upset either that it would cost him some money to replace his electronics or that we had our lives threatened by a snake. Diego has this mysterious confidence and knowing that nothing can harm us.
“The snake was confused.” Diego said.
“Huh how so?” I asked
“The snake does not know why its there. It was hypnotized and put in a spell and was commanded to come into our house and so it did just that, but I snapped it out of its spell and helped it to understand what had happened; and that he does not have to do this and will not be harmed because of stupidity.
The Poor animals are used in this way, their life disrupted to be involved in petty human drama games, being used as pawns.” Diego’s sympathy for the snake was just something else.
Most people especially animal lovers would not see the snake as a victim in all this; they would not consider the snakes’ feelings or its side of the story. Nor would a person be able to see that the snake was hypnotized of all the ironic things. I was even surprised at this information so I had to ask.
“What, do you mean to say a snake can be hypnotized by people as well really?”
“This is so boring, Diego said, I’m so tired of these boring games of confusion.
Yes this is black magic again.”
“ I see, I said, but who did this to us this time? Is it anyone we know? And what did we do to make someone do this to us?”
“Yes Jess you know who it is, but we did not do anything, we were just caught in their confusion cross fire as we were eating. If they pollute the water near them its not a personal attack or anything just stupidity and everyone in the vicinity gets effected the worst its like that in this case. Its just the Leyaks nature to do this its what she has been doing all this time.”
“What, you mean it was that little old sweet lady at the restaurant mom showed me? You mean to say she did this? That she is a Leyak? I did not get that from her usually you can feel those things.”
“Yes she is, remember the last time we ate there, she told us she had just came back from a funeral of woman who lost her baby? Oh I said putting all the pieces together.
This is why I like to avoid confusion. This is why I am not interested in going to parties with people I do not know, especially new agers making mantras everything is ok and what not because this does nothing but make more confusion and I am not comfortable with this at all, I much rather be on my own and everything is not ok damn it.” he said.
“What do you mean we did not know, nor did we go to any parties lately? So how could have we have possibly avoided it?”
“Your mom showed us the restaurant she found it in her confusion and thus found more confusion and confusion is contagious; which ended up spreading to us.”
“ But my mamma bear did not know, she is innocent, she did not mean to introduce us to something like that, surely if she knew she would have never showed us?” “Exactly he said, but because of her confusion she can not detect or see these things.

Moral of the story put yourself in the shoes of what you fear the most and then you will be able to see past the fear then observe what is really going on.


Chapter 12: Why Bad Things Happen to Good People?

It was clear after the event with the Leyak that Diego was really annoyed with my mom and I did my best to defend her. “She is not a bad person; I said, I am really lucky I had a good family and a pretty good childhood, because I had such warm loving parents. They never forced us or made us do things we did not want to do. They never pushed the social norms on us and rarely fought. My mom has always been supportive and kind.”
“It does not matter and its not enough, he said. You were still raised on a certain way of thinking that turned into a trap as well. People think if only they had a good childhood, good parents that they would not be a psychological mess, but its not so. It does not matter if one comes from a good family or not, there is still a family belief system that if not observed then can create a mess in the mind.” I could not see this at the time, but I can now, though I will get more into this in the next blog.
“And it does not matter if she is a good and kind person. Diego went on, unfortunately that does not take away a persons confusion or make them able to think, or get out of their self- created conditioned limbo, nor to avoid more problems even disasters and tragedies.”
My heart sunk, this was a hard one for me to swallow. I always thought that all you had to be was a good kind person and you would be fine. You would be able to come out ok on the other-side, it would not equal a limbo. But I could now see it, that question that we all ask why do bad things happen to good people? I nor my parents and every-one I know could not understand why they were such good kind people and yet we had all this crap and tragedy in our life. Some would say its god testing us or life testing us to grow into our potential, but now I see that is not necessarily so; life can be a challenge suffering is real but its not necessary. I started to understand what he meant when he said that. So it could have all been avoided but its too late. No its not too late, how can it be too late when there is no time? It can all be undone and that is also part of the reason why it is important to not only dismantle our whole life but our history as well because that all must be understood for it is held prison in our concept of time. This brought up a billion questions in me but I was not ready to go there (more on this later it ties into time lines.) My head was still spinning from this revelation as more things started to click and fall into place in my mind. A memory came to me of some lightworker friends that thought they were soul-mates. (what ever that means?) They worked all the time together on developing their consciousness to be enlightened, happy peaceful and kind and then when they went to south America; to do some workshops on consciousness of the heart. They were walking in the park having a romantic date when some men jumped them and held a machine gun up to them. They then grabbed the girl while beating the guy saying, “if you want to see her alive again you will give us this amount of money.” The girl was held captive on a cliff and she heard that even after they get the money they were going to kill her. So she decided to jump out the window and went down the cliff. She some how managed to survive but was seriously injured, most of her bones were broken especially her pelvis; she was never the same after the accident.
I remember being so upset and perplexed when I heard about this. No, how can this happen they were so conscious and peaceful? I had suspected there is a hidden agenda to the desire of being, good, kind and conscious and that is fear, because we think if we are a certain kind of person then bad things will no longer happen to us, and our soul would be ok as well in the after life. But this is not true not at all in fact it just makes more bad things happen because its not understanding, its not thinking, its not psychological peace, its actually force and control to be a certain way or else and that is confusion, and confusion leads to more confusion. We have conditioning ourselves by this idea and because of this we are blind to all the traps around us, and the violence we are unconsciously encouraging in our life that starts first in our minds. We were living in our intellect and memory, not our instinct, perception, sensitivity and observation, this fragments the mind, this is violence and will bring more violence and tragedy; because if we were then we could see these traps a mile away. That is how Diego was able to see them he understood this so well the nuts and bolts the whole mechanics of it and thus he did not live in fear like the majority do. When you really understand fully and are able to think with all the parts of our mind there is no need to fear because you see everything, you see like Neo did at the end of the movie ‘The Matrix all the mathematical binary codes.’
This is where I started to see what I was doing in my spiritual coaching and speaking work. I had people coming to me for advice in their life wanting comfort from their mess wanting some advice and so what do spiritual speakers say? “oh its alright, its going to be ok, just follow your heart, be positive, be a good person and follow your dreams.” But dreams are not reality and we are unknowingly assisting in keeping people blind. No wonder they would call back shortly after back in the same mess, the same damn pot hole. I wanted to really be able to help. I did not want to be anymore the person people called when something bad happened to them to give them comfort. I wanted to now how to do damage prevention. I wanted them to be able to help them to be able to see those potholes and psychological bombs a mile away, so they would not have to struggle and suffer so much. So that others to could be thinkers and observers. Sure it sounded good but I had no idea how to do this, well I did have some idea what with being with Diego but it was not enough. I still had more dismantling to do. I had to stop myself from fighting and arguing with Diego and protecting my conditioning. It was like automatic in me, I knew it was not me, but I did not know how to break the pattern, the more I tried the more intense and painful it got inside of me, and the more I lashed out and took it out on Diego. Good thing he understands the process and knew exactly what was going on with me. So he put up with it, and used every chance he got to get me to dismantle and unravel even more. Diego constantly reminded me that what he was sharing was not philosophy this was life our life. Do we care about our life and the mess we are creating?


Chapter 13: Lost But Not Found and It Must Be This Way

Every-time I tried to talk about these things be it with my mom or friends or even followers, I got nothing but confusion and even upset from them. They just did not understand for example with my mom and followers, “Oh no, she would say, that is not true, we must always strive to be kind, loving, positive and good and we will one day have our rewards, things will eventually work out.”
“What the Fork are you kidding me? How long have we been doing that, thinking that way and where are we now? That’s what Diego always said to me. Where are we now? What’s this kind of thinking really doing for us? Its allowing the insanity to not only continue but to accelerate in every-ones mind and the worlds; and no one can see it, no one wants to see it, because they are too damned drunk and blind on hope. Ah now I see why Diego said hope is a drug a kind of dope for dopes. No one could see the harm danger and even insanity in hope. Its like that carrot dangling in front of our face that we can never catch the whole system is run this way and even when we do get that carrot its never what we think and somehow always ends being counterfeit, leaving us always empty, wanting more, it was never enough.
My brother that has been missing for 4 years now had this, which I like to refer to it as the hungry ghost syndrome. He was a rap-recording artist; his studio gave him everything, money, plenty of girls on the side just waiting to get at him. He had luxury, music videos with danny fernendez even flo rider was interested in working with my brother (I do not know who that is I just know he is a big name, I never was into my brothers kind of music but if your interested here are some links.)

My brother had everything even a beautiful kind girlfriend, but it was never enough, he even insisted his girlfriend get plastic surgery, and the more he got the more sad lost and mess he became. It was devastating to watch my brother self-destruct in this way. To the point he got in such serious trouble with the wrong people he had to disappear he had no other choice; he had not only endangered himself but the whole family.
I did talk to Diego about my missing brother named Forrest his show name is DY and he confirmed with me that he was not dead. He was hiding away, but was not able to say the location because Forrest did not want to be found. “He is not supposed to be found he is starting his life over again in humble means. Where he is a no body and I think he is happier this way.”
When I told my mom that Diego knew where Forrest was she was very skeptical but still wanted to know if he would tell her were Forrest was. She was worried that he was suffering somewhere like something bad had happened to him and he needed her but she did not know where he was. She did not like being in the unknown of it either which is understandable it’s a terrible thing for a person to experience. Someone who is missing, its not the same as a family member dying because at least you know they are dead. But when someone is missing you do not know if they are alive or dead happy or sad thus you do not know what to think or feel. Sometimes you even convince yourself they are dead and not coming back you prepare yourself for the worst and another time you scold yourself for thinking that; and you become optimistic thinking maybe it will be OK. Maybe they are fine, and you were worried for nothing, then you scold yourself for thinking that way to because what if you’re wrong? What if they are mad at you thinking you do not care for them? That’s why you’re not able to find them and on and on it goes. How cruel the mind is, its a vicious pendulum swinging to one extreme then the other. I know my mom still struggles in this way when she thinks of Forrest especially because he reminded her so much of dad. Even though the love of her life had passed away, she could still at least see him through Forrest, now he was gone to. It’s just too much for her, or any mother to endure, to lose 3 family members 2 children and a spouse, whom was her world. I watched her for many years struggling with this and I struggled to not just for my own connection to them but also because of how much it affected my mom and my youngest brother. To watch what was left of my family suffer because of their loses. I just did not want to be that way. I did not want to suffer because of something that happened to me. I preferred to think of it like a movie, a memory, a past life. What is done is done, we have to move on not suspend our life because of what happened to us or let such things eat away at us till we lose our ability to think totally.
So there my mom was asking Diego to tell her if he really knew where Forrest was? “But why do you want to know?” he asked
“ I just must know, I’m his mother, he needs me, please I need to know if he is ok?” “But what if he does not want to be found?” Diego asked
“Then I will leave him be, I will pretend like I never found him.”
“ That’s not true, he said, you see him as your baby, and yours so you will do what you can to convince him to come back; that you need each other. This is not because you miss the person, but your idea of him, you miss the memory and what it represents to you.”
“ Please, she begged.
Diego then said, “If he does not want to be found then it’s not fair to go in and remind him of the past. The old life and all the things he wanted to get away from. He has a right to a new life with out the past. He is not the past anyway, and neither are you, but yet you insist to live and stay there and recreate it, this is your limbo. Are you sure that is what you want? The past the known, a small fragment of what you think life is because it’s all you can remember? Are you sure you want to spend eternity in a memory, is that really life?”
Then Diego took out a pen and paper and drew the place where Forrest was down to the detail, a small gas station, some little van sticking out of the sand, and the colors of the buildings the plants that Forrest passed by the most. But the pictures he drew, had no signs or addresses, there was nothing to indicate where exactly it was. All he would say was that he was somewhere in the north of Mexico. This somehow seemed to be enough for her, to comfort her, she took the picture quietly and never said another thing about it to Diego.
(There is a lot more to share about my brother his disappearance and my ex boyfriend as It was because of my brothers disappearance that I felt like I was stuck with my ex but I will share this later in a future blog.)


Chapter 14: Tending to Your Own Flame in a Relationship

This is a mini blog that I wrote for facebook- its my first attempt at trying to explain my own personal experience of what I learned about being in a relationship with Diego. I read this out loud to my mom, she found it interesting and intelligent but did not understand it one bit. Sigh back to the drawing board with trying to get my mom to understand.
This chapter is also a video so if you want a break from reading or if you want to follow along with me as I read out loud this 3 part playlist on youtube 

your more then welcome to. ☺ This video and post got so much good feedback, as this video ended up helping many people, it was my first attempt to explain to people more about what my relationship with Diego was really like. I was not able to go into the really deep stuff just yet but I made an attempt to at least scratch the surface while still in confusion.

On valentines Day my mom came over for a visit, and I made another attempt to explain to her about my relationship with Diego. As it’s a bit strange for a parent to understand when one is coming from the old school. She never witnessed any romance from us or saw us grabbing each other all the time like one usually sees to indicate they are together. Of course my mom just wants to know when will we get married & have kids & is he the right man to do this with? If he always talks about freedom & no expectations in a relationship how do you know you can trust him? Freedom to her & to most others in a relationship means free love screw who ever you want. Especially when I told her we do not believe in marriage, which is some invention, a contract & often a trap. This worried my mother she thought well how do I know he is serious about you, if he does not make a commitment & how can that guarantee that he can be trusted jess to not be free to go off with someone else? I tried to explain to her because we both are free & have no expectations it actually makes us want to be closer together, where as marriage sometimes indicates just the opposite which mostly tends to leads to infidelity as one often feels trapped and suffocated in a marriage.
But we even like to go deeper then that, if we are not satisfied with what we have & ok with our own cultivation of our own inner garden then the need for something new and exciting becomes important; be it a new car, a new spiritual practice & yes even a new partner. When I asked Diego about infidelity myself when I was considering him as a potential partner for me, he said if I have a car and I am driving down the road in it and I see another car on the side of the road what is the purpose to get out of my car & go in that one? It sounds crazy yet we do it all the time. So what happens exactly when the desire for something new becomes important? If we do not know ourselves how can we really know our partner? When it seems to us we only know not our partner but our idea of the partner & the idea of how a relationship should be & your partner thinks & does the same thing, then there is your idea of yourself and your partners idea of themself; this is where all the fights and confusion comes from, 6 different ideas/expectations conflicting which each other and non of them are the truth.
It’s the same when being a public figure people say they love you but not the real you they actually love their idea of you. When you do something to challenge their idea they suddenly get upset with you saying you changed & such. So what can we do about this? First of all being aware of it helps & being able to notice a thought you have about your partner or idea of a relationship, inquiring to yourself be it actually true or something invented? If your not sure asking your partner is a good idea. Take my relationship with Diego for example; I had so many ideas about a relationship how it was to go & how it was to be.
My examples & role models growing up where good & healthy ones or so I thought; yet when dad passed my mom struggled being on her own suddenly she was struggling & suffering with the feelings of loneliness & this is what is considered romantic & normal in this world. My mother was always encouraging dad doing everything she could for him he was her world (this is what I call tending to his flame. tending to the flame also means to give love or the idea of love to your partner if you tend to their flame to tend to your flame is to give yourself love.) & he did the same for her (tended to her flame) & that’s how most think a relationships is supposed to be. (Note- love is not the right word it would be better to say care instead.) So that was my reference point & I started to do the same with Diego. Picture Diego & I sitting across from each other; we are separated, by two campfires, one in front of him & one in front of me. I started to put all I could find in his fire & I watched him put what ever he had into his fire to. I kept waiting for him to put something in my fire but he never did & I started to get upset saying you don’t really care about me, or even notice all I do for you, do you know how many who would love to be with me & appreciate me eager to tend to my flame? (Someone new suddenly became the solution/manipulation tool in my mind if we are not getting the expected drug from one person we can get it from someone else.) For example if I wanted to go swimming in the ocean, he did not and so I went on my own to swim feeling lonely, why do we feel lonely when we are in a relationship, or surrounded by people? I thought when your in a relationship you do everything together like my mom and dad did. When I shared this with Diego how I felt he said but I was with you in the ocean I am the ocean immersing you challenging you to go deeper into yourself and your idea of how a relationship is supposed to be. Of course I got annoyed by this I did not want poetry & riddles I wanted him by my side physically damn it because I so wanted to look like a normal couple to my mom, my friends & strangers. After all what ever he wanted to do I wanted to do it to, to be there, experience it with him, appreciate it like he does. So why was he not the same when I wanted to do what I wanted to do? You do not see what’s important or care about my flame I whined, look my flame is dying, this relationship is one sided.
All of these were ideas I had & I took them personally & made myself believe they were true & were happening in every moment looking for proof of this every chance I got, which made me very upset. And what did he do he continued to feed his own flame peacefully not deterred at all & I still grudgingly fed his flame to but I would blow up in anger randomly every now & then; any little thing could set me off. Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? Can you see how you see when you & others have done the same?
When I brought up all the things I did for him, hoping he would notice them, or give me some attention for them, or change to do things how I wanted it to be, or have him change to better suite me… he would depending on what my energy and intent was when I said something would say ‘boring’ walk away or he would bring up all the things he did for me that I was not aware of that I was negligent with and he had no expectation no desire for attention or approval for it, he was just being unconditional to me. If you tend to my flame then its conditional, then what’s the relationship based on? Expectation, which leads to control & manipulation, which leads to you trying to change me but I never once did this to you & you always say jess how you respect me, understand me & do not want to change me yet you do just the opposite unconsciously rather then get mad when I say this cause you do not like that you do this try to understand why you do this. Is this really what you want in a relationship? You experienced that in the last one & you escaped that, but it has become your comfort your known & you want to recreate that same pattern in me/ with me & make me like him but I will not do it. Can you not see how you’re confusing your past with the present moment in this way? I will not let you or anyone take my peace ever. Nor will I use these tactics to change you into my idea of you as I have no idea of you, I see only the real you and that’s what I want, not all your conditions, ideas beliefs and expectations. So you should be aware jess how and why you’re doing this unconsciously to me. The truth is you love your pain, your drama and you love to fight realize it if you want to get past it. You Jess say you think your stupid but your not, the only stupid thing about you is that you think your stupid. You try to be the perfect partner but I do not want your perfection I want you. Then he would always say in a cryptic way anyway I’m not real I’m just a projection of your mind and I’m not important. And by the way I never once asked you to feed my flame that’s not romantic or love to me. I would rather you feed & tend to your own flame, other wise if you continue to feed my flame & I start to feed yours then when one of us goes away we will become a mess because we will not know how to tend to our own flames like your mother is still struggling with, we will only know how to tend to someone else’s flame & we will always be waiting for someone else to take care of our flame rather then doing it for ourselves. It’s the same as give a man a fish he eats for a day teach a man to fish or a person to tend their flame they can care on themselves, another, & all life for life; with or with out a partner. Then we are no longer in a co-dependent relationship, you do not need me & I do not need you, we just choose to be together existing side by side, in this way we have a balance, harmonious and virus free co-creational relationship.
I have to admit after hearing this it took me a bit to break my pattern/ addiction of doing what I thought was the right thing perfect girlfriend thing to do & get used to feeding my own flame & stop feeding his. After that talk I forgot this numerous times to tend to my own flame & went back to feeding his flame, & I got upset still as I felt myself fighting the new changes, ideas of a relationship. I would get upset with myself thinking I was stupid ugly person I did not like the idea that I could not do this and all the hidden things coming out of me as when ever I thought like this then I would feel the need to self punish myself and say stupid things like I’m not good enough for you your wrong about me. This is the real challenge to not judge your self when your observing yourself in this state only thing is its hard to have control or realize what your doing until after. I would also often start to rebel where I would refuse to feed his flame & even my flame thinking it would teach him a lesson & he’ll be sorry but it was another form of manipulation this self punishment tactic that I was doing to get attention, sympathy & approval to feed some idea & insecurity.(I am not religious but it seems to me I was unconsciously playing out our idea of god & how we think he is, because the book told us so, how we feel the need to judge and punish ourselves and even others sometimes like we are told our god does to us. I am constantly amazing how I am influenced by these beliefs that are not mine, but still have some hold on me with out ever paying attention to it.)So when a person is talking how much of it is it really them, that is talking, and how much of it is their brain washing, conditioned beliefs, confusions, frustrations, insecurity & fears talking?)
Diego never gave in, never caved & never comforted me when I was like this. He instead just made me aware of what I was doing & challenged me as to why I was doing this and to go deeper to go beyond when I got upset why did I get upset? He never resented or judged me for it which was another idea/lie I convinced myself was true that he was doing, as most would and do, nope that’s not the real you he would say. Let me take of all the fake layers of you, I want you to see what is not you and what really is you, but you have to be brave enough to go to the depth of your being, even if you protest struggle and panic saying this is not natural we need air its been too long, there is too much pressure I’m started to crack come lets go back up just for a bit, I’m too scared to get to know the real me so I hide. Will the real you please stand up. When our partner does not do want we want giving us the drug that we want how we want it then we make them into our enemy (its kind of funny to think how we go from having imaginary friends when we are kids to imaginary enemies when we are adults). When one partners flame goes out then that is the breaking point in the relationship that’s usually when it ends (this is why most woman say I give and I give and I have nothing left to give him any more) & that’s when the other partner gets desperate and tries to share their flame but that just results it their flame getting weaker and dying as well this is when the bitterness happens in the relationship where suddenly revenge & blaming becomes important. Its not our fault we have been conditioned with this basic program for so long school, religion, job, family & relationships the same pattern over and over which is telling some authority figure outside of us or some god/deities what we think they want to hear & what we think they want us to do in order to get some approval, justification, understanding & confirmation that were a good person. But we think we have made changes that we have convinced ourselves that we are making progress that we are growing & doing something new, after all we are in a different relationship with different faces, yet its the same story, same struggling, same suffering same problems. And the worst part of all about this is we have conditioned ourselves to believe that this is normal this is how a relationship is to be and this is life. We accept this so we do not bother to inquire further or beyond & so we become passive & comfortably numb & fight anyone that tries to tell us that this is not normal.
(That being said since sex and the pursuit of money is a major obstruction, distraction and manipulation tool in a relationship we have chosen to put that on the bottom of our priority list where with most couples its at the top of the list. Diego says its a distraction because there are many couples now that just have nothing to say to each other and rather then face the issue they just have sex to escape it. We both want to think about these things not be addicted and owned by this element in life, we are so much more then our illusions and our bodies.)
It was hard because, I cannot hide my emotions & damn it my mom is here; she knows when her daughter is upset. It’s hard for her to understand what was going on, as a mother does not want to see her baby girl crying in a relationship. She wants to see her child happy & if a mother sees tears she immediately thinks it’s the other partner & this is not healthy thus she gets the idea & confirmation that the relationship needs to end. But I knew deep down what I needed & what was going on, and I gave Diego permission to help me get there & realize that to just give up & leave was not an option. I did not want to go back and live my life the same way with the same blocks & issues. What kind of life was that? It was hard I drained Diego with this and it took him days to recover, it would often make him sick, me as well & Diego kept saying I have never had this happen to me before in a relationship. I wondered if peace was the most important thing to Diego why would he subject himself to this drama with me surly he foresaw all this coming out of me when we first met and I wondered did he do this with all his girlfriends? If he never had drama in his relationships what were they like? Was he telling the truth don’t all relationships have drama? I became very curious about his ex girlfriends and started to contact them most every ex girlfriend was on good terms with Diego so it was very easy and they were very helpful. I wanted to understand their experience and perspective of being in a relationship with him and how they were able to have a relationship with out drama. They also answered my question as to why he was subjecting himself to this with me, one said, you love people because of their potential right? Well Diego is very curious about your potential even excited about it and he knows that you can do this that you can figure this out and transcend it and perhaps even be willing to be a public example of it. Is that not what you have always wanted? Can you imagine how well you would be able to do that with out fear and confusion always being in the way? Diego knows that’s a hidden dream of yours. He is just helping you help yourself to make that happen. Knowing that’s the case jess are you still mad him? After my many meltdown that happened every few days then went to a every few weeks to once a month we were both exhausted but we did not give up. I knew that this was hard, but I had to do it nothing was more important then doing this how could I go back to living my old life with now being aware of these destructive patterns lurking in me? I had to figure this out I had to learn how to be aware of & dismantle my stupidity once & for all I had to be aware that I like everyone was a secret internal masochist in love with our pain our confusion our struggling our prison and how and why we fight so hard to protect it. We have to acknowledge it admit it observe it and understand it so as not to be at the mercy of this part of ourselves. (Others get offended when Diego says someone or something is stupid but his definition of stupidity is lack of self observation he was not saying I was stupid but my/ our conditionings and ideas that are stupid.)
I am grateful that Diego was smarter then all this, that he was able to not take it all so seriously, which I eventually learned how to do; oh its just my mind playing tricks on me so I can either react to its stories or not care or get carried away by the wave instead to surf the internal waves with grace and softness. But what i found which worked the best was the more i did not want to fight and have a melt down the more it happened so i realized my attitude towards my reactions was what i was really struggling with, you can not control your emotions and thoughts the more you try look out but you can understand them and see when you are accumulating little bombs and you can dismantle them before they go off one at a time so as not to have a big blast. This part of us is not our enemy it can be our friend. With that I have learned to be able to see what Diego sees well not totally but I’m on my way, beyond it to the bigger picture. It took me many months but I was finally able to catch myself in my patterns to feed my own flame & to be ok with that, while being along side him, as he feeds his own flame & I feed mine. My flame is getting bigger & stronger every day.
I realized why I was so happy before, my project Camelot interview it was not because I needed approval, or even got it for what I was doing. I did not do anything for anyone else but myself because it made me come to life, no one can make us come to life, but ourselves. If your own flame is built up strong like your partners, then the need for something & someone new is just not there, as we are content with our life what we have & are most important content with ourselves feeling no longer restless and anxious looking for excuses to justify our un-integral behavior. This is the sad thing that happens in the world today, the need for something new, bigger & better is what has destroyed this planet, and taken almost all of the trees, & its the reason that many animals & humans, are suffering unnecessarily. All because we can not see our inner patterns or question them so as to stop them, or inquire what is sleeping behind these patterns, in order to stop feeding the insanity of a world unconsciously obsessed with destroying the planet & ourselves and when we do that and we do not want to admit it, go deeper or look at ourselves honestly then the need to wear masks becomes important.
So with my flame getting stronger everyday along side his, peace in the house is here & undisturbed and co- creation in a relationship is clearer of how life can be with out fights, fear and misunderstandings.
Which is nice as its a lot better then it was before within me but there is still some more things in the way that i have yet to figure out of course I will keep you all posted. This is why I felt compared to share this so others can maybe learn to do the same but I understand my writing is not always easy to understand either and my story and me being an example is just not enough though. That’s also why I share Diego’s post regardless of all the harsh responses we get, it tells me right away were they are at I can relate I was there to with Diego’s content, though in this way i can witness their own process how long it takes for them to get it, which phase they are going through in their own dismantling journey and so forth: argue, fight, challenge, cry, play victim games, play know it all you have it all together games, get depressed, attack self, get exhausted, surrender, observe inside, do the work inside, understand, go deeper, go beyond etc. Many may not like what we are sharing but that’s ok we are not doing this to get more followers or to be liked or make money, we are doing this so the children of this world do not have to be subjected to the same insanity that we are all subjected to. I hope this post has been able to help you in some way as it has helped me just to write it. –This is Diego’s response to this mini blog was this video he made for me when I was busy in something else


Chapter 15: Frustrations

A week or so later my mom found these puppies and decided to carry all 3 of them to our house to show Diego and play with them. It really is something to watch Diego interact and play with dogs. One night my mom brought them over when Diego was out I did not go with him because I was not feeling up to it due to some stupid argument with Diego that was most likely trying to defend my conditioning and pride. My mom asked me if I could babysit the puppies over night for her friends, as she could not do it at her place. I said yes with out telling Diego but I thought he would not mind. I first put them in our jungle bathroom but they cried too much so I moved them upstairs with me they were too young and too fat to go down the stairs anyway. I ended up falling asleep before Diego got home, I exhausted myself from all the tears, and the puppies were sleeping under the bed. The next morning Diego woke up to the sound of shuffling and he reached his arm and grabbed both of them and put them on the bed and played with them, as if he knew they were there all along somehow, maybe Diego smelled them. One of the pups got excited and peed on the bed. I got nervous right away as my ex boyfriend would have freaked out because of something like that so I thought Diego would as well and so I got all nervous and uptight again over a simple stupid idea that was not even true and just when it seemed like the puppies had almost helped to clear that awkward energy. But it did not work because I was still upset and was not yet able to let go of it yet.
There was just an accumulation of so many things such as when I wanted to share with him a poem that came to me, to bounce off some of my ideas and thoughts. He stopped me right away saying that there was stuff behind me wanting to share the poem, its confusion and consensus. What the hell, I am not aware of this its not fare. I do not know and you do. How am I supposed to know if what I am saying is confusion and such? This is so frustrating should I not speak at all then? So I just started to sensor myself because of fear. I always took it like I was doing something wrong and that I was too stupid to understand and see what he was saying. I was also afraid to even say the L word around him, who knows maybe more invisible jellyfish would come and get me? What the heck, this is supposed to be the end of fear and I am full of fears. I found I was afraid of strange things, I never thought I would be afraid of; it really surprised me. This is just awful. Why does he always show me what I mess I am? But in truth he never did it in a blaming kind of way, or a patronizing way I decoded it that way. So many experiences and thoughts could have been interpreted in so many different ways but I always seemed to choose self commiseration. The same tired patterns kept on coming up.
My birthday is another good example; birthdays to me have always been annoying and inconvenient. I am not a holiday person at all and always wondered why the heck we celebrate the same damn things every year? Celebrating time, celebrating our fear, our limbo. It’s so boring why can’t we invent new holidays? Why not borrow holidays from other countries? At least I like how in Bali commercial holidays are not in your face here. When its christmass you cannot tell as there is no sign of it anywhere.
And birthdays I really do not like having to think about what others should get me when they asked or felt obliged just because its what everyone does.
And when its other people’s birthdays I disliked this obligation to get something because someone is expecting it all because they exited the vagina that day and managed to still live, well congratulations. Not just that it’s a celebration of psychological perceived time which is a total hoax and its also fear which is like celebrating the birth of our prison and nurturing confirming our fears; It just made no sense to me. If I wanted to get someone something I would get it not on their birthday but on any day but their birthday it would have to be random and spontaneous of I saw something and it reminded me of someone. I liked doing things that were least expected. So on my birthday I decided to get Diego a gift instead and his happiness would be my gift. I knew he liked teddy bears so I decided to get him a teddy bear. But damn it Diego is so telepathic, so many think this is cool, to me its not cool at all its more down right annoying because I love to surprise people but Diego is impossible to surprise. He always suspected and then just read my mind, there is nothing I can hide from him, but I still always try. I would get so upset about this because I was looking forward to surprising him and throwing him off a bit I was only able to do this once with him and it was over something really silly regarding a tomato but I will share that another time maybe.
I perceived him upset with the teddy bear that he did not like it. That it was not OK to surprise him; that maybe there was some confusion and consensus behind this gift as well? I kept making Diego into an authority figure of fear in my head. As I kept trying to shape myself in what I thought Diego wanted and what I thought was perfect. Diego was always trying to dismantle this kind of thinking from me.
But when I convinced myself that he did not like it or that I did wrong again I got really sad again and angry at my conditioning feeling like I will never get it. That it’s so easy for Diego to get it, but not me; there must be something wrong with me. I must be really stupid. But in truth it is not easy for Diego either because he has to live with people who are upset with him because its easy for him but not for others and thus can easily be made into a freak all the time. It’s the story of his life and he just does not care.

When I started to share Diego’s Facebook posts I felt shy about mentioning we were together because of ex finding out. I really did not want more trouble from him. I was always cautious about being low key and doing my best to keep my ex appeased so as not to feel more of his wrath. But maybe that is what was needed for him to know I am now seeing someone so back off and let me go. And all the manipulation games to he had one too many chains on me. Somehow I would break them, good thing I had Diego to help me with this, as I did not know how to do this on my own. In the mean time there was much I had to do and go through first in order to break those chains more on that later.

My writing and approach also changed drastically Diego did not ask me to share any of this or for him it was me I just felt strongly compelled to share and try to get others to understand something important? But how could I do that if I did not fully understand or know how to talk about this stuff?
Diego also was so hard to understand, it never seemed like he was talking to me directly he always spoke in generalizations. Yes but what do you have to say about me? I would always say to him. Why did it seem like he was always speaking to so many others while he was talking especially to me? As if we were being watched and listened to the whole time, or that I had millions listening through me, not necessarily just humans. I really wanted to understand this as well, why did he do this and whom was he talking to? Why did he always seem so far away? Why did it feel like I had to share Diego with so many things from trees to dogs thunder, his art, bacteria, mushrooms, planets he had so many private relationships that I wanted to be a part of. I also was tired of speaking to people about Diego who really did not know Diego very well and always responded because of their past conditioning. I really wanted to talk to someone who knew Diego, who understood him. So I made an effort to get in touch with one of his previous girlfriends that would understand my situation and be able to give me some advice.


Chapter 16: A Letter from Adnil

His ex whom I will call Adnil, was actually the only girl in Diego’s life that I felt some jealousy towards. She and him seemed to understand each other so well. She seemed to be less confused then me. They pretty much are in communication everyday, she understands his posts and pictures better then me and I really did not like this. I often compared myself to her always thinking that things were easier for him when they were together. Of course all these assumptions I had with never meeting her or knowing really how their relationship was, but that did not stop my mind from fabricated these ideas and stories. I was always so curious about her and at first Adnil and I could talk just fine, but then she started to sense how confused I was and became repelled. I just wanted to get to know her better, but she just pushed me away. I wanted to also get to know her as I knew we were to somehow work together in the future Trine to. She was also close to Trine, and I wanted to be included in their circle, to better understand what linked us all together, and to know what our connection really was.
I gave up though, trying to communicate with Adnil, since she did not want to communicate with me and pretty much ignored every message I sent her, yet she always responded to everything Diego sent her.
When I asked Diego about her and what he suggests I do? He said that, it is hard for her to. That they were together 24/7, for 6 years, no wonder I thought, that must take some adjusting and getting used to now that he is not physically in her life. Yet if she was jealousy or struggling because I was now with him, I was kind of surprised surely after 6 years she would have been beyond this and dismantled such thinking by now. Especially that, Diego even told me how he one time had another previous girl friend of his come and visit him and Adnil and the both got along fine, they even became friends.
Though It also made me curious about what life after Diego must be like. How it was for them? It was just another reason to connect with the girls who know Diego best.

I really cannot say what is going on in her head but what I can share is this really amazing letter she sent me early on that really helped me to understand Diego better and his many private relationships. She was also helpful in addressing my fear of ruining our relationship and all my concerns to. Its sad cause I would really like to still be friends with her but as it is right now I just do not know where we stand. It is also very interesting to get a window into her mind, its very refreshing, as to how she sees and interprets things. I feel that others may also find it interesting as well. I see it as another piece to the puzzle that is Diego and what it looks like to be able to think in a more expanded way after 6 years of dismantling.
Here is the letter. (I did not edit it, because I see it as a beautiful art peace just as is mistakes and all. There is great perfection in our imperfection.)

Yes when I say that when you have a relationship with him your also having a relationship with many.. I mean.. you have a relationship with the many of him.. and also with the many behind and beyond him, that have a relationship with him as well (with that I don’t mean just people .. I mean planets, constellations, frequencies and other possible life beings…., this level believe me is just the surface).. and that it’s happening as well with you.. and with everyone of those who are not simply people (observers/thinkers) ….
indeed i can tell you… I mean probably you can feel it, I actually don’t feel anything different in the relationship with him even if now he is living with someone else and I’m here thousands kms far away, i never felt a change or something different.. of course things evolve, just because things evolve doesn’t mean that they change in an ending or starting way.. but it’s always a continuation.. like a metamorphosis … but this kind of metamorphosis it’s something you can only perceive and live.. there is nothing to translate.. no names…. for this I tell you: there is no time for humankind relationships anymore….and I mean that for us .. for the beings like me and you.. and him and all those that are not people as well (the observers) ….
and SHE (Azropia) is in the between of all this….
don’t give names… don’t expect…. don’t worry…. when you worry about something it is just because your brain doesn’t understand the relation between you.. your feelings.. and what you are living on an emotional imagination sense …that it is your true reality , the brain wants always to make sense of things.. give an aim.. and a base… to make this reality that you suspect as fictitious as something real….
the heart can ‘t focus on a thing, on a person.. or a place etc…. it’s not possible…
for this reason people suffer so much.. because of their habits since a millennium and also from their childhood-school-family-friends. We were constantly taught to compare, give rules, sense, aims.. order -steps to what they feel ..,to focus all their imagination and emotion just to one thing-person-place -job or whatever….
therefore they rule their heart… but the heart doesn’t have any rule!
just make a favor to yourself: DON’T CARE!…. feel.. deeply live.. and be able at the same time to leave…
there is nothing to ruin….if you are worry to ruin.. that means that you make doubts to what you are living on an emotional-imaginary sense.. because you transpose what you live on an emotional level on the comparison you do with the rest around you.. and therefore with the rules – order around you .. external…. , JUST DON’T CARE!… people judge such a relationship… (and they do it mostly on an surface level because they are habit to see things just on that way) , it’s not your problem to explain them your feelings… and to convince them about the level communication you heart is grasping…
JUST DON’T CARE! go on with your earth-heart .. wherever it will bring you, just in that way you will be able to dismantle everything that is not you…. facing your deep fears and what you feel as pain situations-circumstances.. you will be able to see where you really are.. and you will really live what you really are…
if you are worried to ruin something, you are giving your energy to the parasite of the attachment… to an idea.. that means that you are building expectation in the relationship you are living , therefore you no longer are living a relationship , but just an idea…. ; we do that every moment.. that it is not bad or good.. it is just what it is according to our biological computer machine, the thing that you have to do it is just observe the movements you are living within whatever relation you have.. that mostly it is the relation you have with yourself… all the rest around is just a pretest of the game .. don’t identify with the game …. live it deeply to be able to leave it deeply ….
I know also what you mean when you say “i am new to relationships in general and really do not know anything about it just what i hear from others”; because actually I’m new to whatever other people call and identify as a relationship… what does it mean to be in a relation with someone?.. a couple???!!! what is a couple if not something as a structure – order – sense – name given to what we feel? …. , so you need to have a name for what you feel for a tree or a forest?… do you need to be always together with that tree physically to be close to that tree, to let him know that you are in relation with them? ( I still mean with the tree,, and with the forest …) ; well … so with an other life being is the same!…..
don’t compare… don’t listen the external… just observe it… ; the relation you are living is before with you … so from there are coming information’s you need about a relation with whatever it is.. (the universe in the whole)… ; don’t listen the other’s information’s… listen to your own…. , and if you feel pain coming from you toward certain kind of situations.. just face those situations-pain, and listen what is coming from those…. use them .. you will see yourself react-behave in ways that you only suspected about yourself before, and you always wanted .. but to which you were always resisting to … even if you were attracted by them….
i know exactly what are you living Jessy, for this reason I wanted to know about the flow after one week from the last message …. because the flows are so strong and deep , and at the same time can change from one to an other in a moments times.. not really in what we consider as official time… Psychological time is nothing more then a thought ; so in one week indeed can pass through thought ages….. light years*(jumps*)
so I’m here whenever you feel like…. there is no thanks possible .. i’m living with you* as well ….
, dismantle the pressure we have been in since millennium educated-habit we give to it then we can be free…

Chapter 17: Dismantling This Concept of Love

(This is a continuation from, What if Love is Not the Final Destination?)
Love is indeed blind and makes you stupid, no one can argue about that, but many still try to romanticize love and how they think it should be compared to how it actually is, which always gets in the way and is a weapon of mass confusion. Our idea of love and what we experience is not the same thing, it is not love, and we can have grief by that realization alone. To see love not go how we thought it should be. We think what’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with others? Why can’t we make it work? I myself and many others have experienced lack of clarity while going through the early stages of euphoric love phase.
Its nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to understand and inquire more into. What exactly is going on there? How is it that we can keep making excuses for this? To keep on letting it happen only to be confused and frustrated about it again later? We are constantly told that love is the most important thing. Everyone is seeking for love, writing and reading about it, trying to be their idea of love. You would think after all this time of perusing and caring so much about love that we would be in a more loving and peaceful world? Yet here we are experiencing just the opposite of love, why is that?
We are told either consciously unconsciously or subliminally to think about love and so many experiences this but this is not actually love. The thought of love and acting out our idea of love is not love. Its like a counterfeit version of love we are sold and we fall for it. We fall for that concept of love, and we fall in and out of love. We do not raise up, or become more clear, or become more intelligent from love. No we can do the same messy idea of love over and over again with out learning a thing. We do this because we fall into fear, so afraid to have the same experience or something we witnessed or heard about from others and so we have just that happen to us. We always get what we do not want, after our love experiences.
It should be red flagged this saying, ‘to follow our heart.’ How many people can say they followed their heart and it had led to a mess? Be it that they ended up in a relationship that went sour or boring, or abusive, or with a belief a faith that made us totally lose ourselves. ‘Following our heart’ is indeed not the solution, nor does it make us wiser to help us prevent ourselves from walking in the same trap.
It does not help our intelligence or ourselves to be aware of our patterns it instead tends to makes us negligent. It does not matter if it’s a love between a romantic partner our family members our children or with some divine deity or even with ourselves. If we are honest enough with ourselves we can see the negligence that comes from and out of our attempts to love.
Then there are the mantras and affirmations we are constantly told to say and think such as: ‘I love myself, I love myself, I love myself,’ as we continue to sabotage ourselves with our thoughts and actions. It does not matter how many times we say and force ourselves to think that thought it still does not make us understand what we are doing and violence behind saying words like that.
There are so many new agers drunk on love, light and bliss.
I know I have been there and fell for that to. Talking about love feeling the love, but still utterly confused and a mess our life is as we fall into one situation/trap after another. Its fake, its forced and controlled kind of love and that’s disturbing to me. I do not understand why it is so hard for others to see this? Is it that they cannot see it or do they not want to see it, but it’s understandable who wants to see this?

I myself really had a hard time with this to. It was not just a challenge to stop feeding these loving ideas towards Diego; but even more so to myself. I had been giving and sending love to myself for so long. I was good at it, being loving and kind to myself by reading spiritual books and just feeling blissed out afterwards. I was well aware how upset I would get if too much time would go by with out watching or thinking of something inspiring and uplifting. It was hard for me to realize that it was not, love and even harder to stop myself with this habit to be loving with myself because it did not give me any understanding and I saw when I did not give myself the old expected feelings and thoughts that my mind turned on me and became harsh. I was my own drug dealer and it was appalling to witness first what was behind those loving positive thoughts when I refused to give myself the drugs.
Wow is that love or some ultimatum trap contract I signed within my mind that I was not aware of?
Be loving with yourself or else. Be loving with yourself or you will have to think and face things you do not want to and see sides of yourself you rather pretend are not there. Not only that I realized all those years talking with people I gave them the same advice. I always felt my secret was that I knew how to be loving, kind and gentle with myself. So I tried to help others to do the same and now I could see I was just telling them to drug themselves with an idea of how we would like to be rather then fully think and be aware the harm from doing such a thing. This realization made me sick to my stomach.

Anyway we always have our relationships when we think we are in love start off so awesome, we are willing to vow our whole life to that person or our picture of that person. Thinking that the feeling will always be there, that this time we got it right with the person we found, I did this with Diego. But he was well aware of the pattern and phases from the very beginning, he knew exactly what was going on and what would happen. He would let me go through with my idea of love, but he would not partake or feed it in anyway, he was also not at all interested in the fluffy feelings in the beginning of a/our relationship. It’s just special effects to him and he wanted me to see that and understand the process of what really happens. How it works, using myself who always wants to be an example to the world, as now an example for this whether I like it or not. I have to share it as best and as honest as I can, because it’s the only thing I feel I really know how to do. I cannot stand the idea of not being honest with myself and with others because after all we have to live with ourselves 24/7 no one else has to live with ourselves more then ourselves. It’s strange that we care more what others think of us rather then how to think and co-exist with the inner complexities of our mind. Its wise to make inside ourselves a pleasant home rather then something we always want to escape, but it can not be fake, no positivity and striving to be happy and in the love vibe. How can it be real if it enables us to think and causes so much paradoxical violence all because we want to be in this state all the time?
I no longer think we are meant to be loving or happy all the time. No animal is happy all the time, they do not play favorites with emotions they have all those moods but they do not care to dwell on any of them. Happiness and love is a belief system because they both have an opposite and that opposite is what we strive to avoid but what we resist persists. So the more we try the less able we are to keep the desired state and tend to stay in its opposite or fly back and forth between the two that it feels like we have more then one personality. (Perhaps this is where the term crazy love comes from?)
We care so much about love and happiness but if we are thinking focusing and striving for it, then it will always be short lived and eventually are turned into a fake. So what is love then if everything we think it is, is a fake? We have to be brave enough to ask this question or forever stay in our ideas and hope and lies that we know what love is otherwise how can we ever experience the real version? We have to be brave enough to consider that since the world is such a mess and has been a mess for such a long time that perhaps we have never been in love with anyone or anything. That we perhaps have no idea what it is and have confused love for control, possession, lust, ideals and so on? So many think they know what love is and they think that is what life is all about, and the most important, so they focus on that alone and so they stay there in that state of mind. All the things we do in the name of love, or to have more love, to be more loving, is all in vain and because of that people all together miss the boat of understanding of what love really is. They never think to ask themselves that scary question, ‘What if Our Idea of Love is Not the Final Destination?’
Where is love in nature? Where is love in a galaxy? It seems neither of these care about love at all. Its just our human mind that sees everything through this filter which prevents us from totally understanding what life is all about, thus we are cut out from everything and stuck in our miserable self created hell limbos of the same crap over and over again.
It really disturbed me when I told Diego that I could see myself with Joakim that I had feelings for him and perhaps we would be a better match.
Diego just said, “if you think so then go with him, but do not be surprised if it does not work and you go off to profess your words of love and connection with someone else and then another and another, because you and all people do not love the person, the person is always interchangeable. What is really important to (you in general) is the love we have for those words, those thoughts, those feelings, those emotions, those ideals, which are all imitations; non of it came from us. We were not born with these ideas/ideals. So when you first told me you loved me this is what was really behind those words and let me tell you there is nothing beautiful or romantic about what is behind those words. This ‘I can not live with out you’ is more stupid religious thinking self sacrifice. ‘I am suffering because I no longer have the one I love in my life,’ that is not love that is selfishness and manipulation, control authority and thus it always leads to violence repression even abuse one way or another. If we say or think these words about the ones closest to us with out thinking really about what we are thinking and saying, then we have a problem and it is going to lead to more confusion more mess and further fueling the limbo of the worlds insanity.
To say something like ‘I love you’ and ‘I can not live with out you’ is actually offensive to me. It’s a classic example of someone not thinking and putting an idea over their intelligence.”
“ But I did not know. I said in my defense.
“Actually you did know about this Jess, we talked about this many times, but I guess you did not think I was serious about it, perhaps you just thought I said it because it sounded good.
Actual love is empathy, total understanding of one another, not our ideas of them but who they really are including all facets of them, and clear communication, in a totally psychologically free mind. When two minds come together in psychological freedom then that is real love. Where each other are able to co create each others psychological freedom. In which both people feel free to be themselves, by ‘themselves’ I do not mean the personality as that’s a hoax and invention that comes from our conditioning. A real relationship has no manipulation, compromise or tricky games, fear, or psychological dependency drugs that seems to be in every relationship now a days be it with a romantic partner or our children an animal or even with ourselves.
In total psychological freedom there is no wants, or needs, or desires, or attachments, and no sadness if and when the partner goes. There is no dependency, each one knows their happiness, does not rely on the other partner but them selves and they feed their flame first always. (More on this later see chapter “tending to your own flame in a relationship” in this blog.) There is no asking for more pleasure for true pleasure does not ask for more pleasure.
There is no change themselves for each other, nor is their sacrifice or forcing each other to do something they do not want to do. There is no control or manipulation and dramas. Love should actually be called empathy. When another animal helps another that is not love its empathy. This is where both can co create in balance peace and harmony.
Now I know this sounds so unrealistic but it is actually how it’s meant to be.
If your relationships are not like that first with your thoughts, emotions, intellect memories, perception, sensitivity first most likely the relationship you have with yourself is a fake one and with others as well, which is why we are so confused. I think we all suspect this which is why we get even more confused when it comes to love and we can’t help but wonder if we are doing it wrong, or we scared it will go away like we have seen so many times before. Or we blame ourselves thinking that j we are just not good enough and totally unworthy of love because of all the times we failed at this and so many others did as well.
How can we expect to have love work out for us if even the worlds smartest and most successful and attractive conscious people can not make love work for them, then what chance do we possible have? Not to mention all the dysfunctional relationships in the world, in our head, and in history so what are we missing? Somewhere near the root of love there is a huge virus of all these other ideas of how we need to be to make things work, the ideas interfere with what is, and this repeat pattern of historical dysfunction its rather strong. Let me put it another way we are trying to build our relationships from the top down rather then the bottom up. The foundation is faulty, why is it faulty? The tools we use to build are faulty to. What are the tools?; they are our ideas, beliefs conditioning, fear, confusion and security The ground is not deep enough, too many relationships are built on the surface based on the cover of the book, based on illusions based on wanting to be close with them rather then the actual person. Ok then where is all this pointing to?
It’s pointing to the original and first relationship and that is our relationship with our thoughts our emotions, imagination, our innocence our sensitivity and perception. If we do not understand these parts of us and how they co-relate and create illusions and what is, how it works, then we will always be lost living out our reflections rather then our totality of our mind. Like I was saying earlier we have to live with ourselves 24/7 and I think that is scary to us, we always want to escape this and busy ourselves in other things, others ideas, beliefs and views its somehow easier this way. Sure maybe in the beginning but not in the long run, especially when we find out we went nowhere just one big circle. Ok so what, just have a good relationship with ourselves is that all? No it’s not that simple because our idea of a good relationship with ourselves is mixed with the idea of spiritual and religious values ideas and other confusions/contradictions.
To me love is the biggest conditioning we must dismantle, its even more potent and then the religious beliefs but love combined with religion is lethal. Look at all the violent things we have done in the name of love for our partner, our family, our country and a god. Its not easy for a person to think that sending love and being loving is promoting violence, blindness and stupidity but this is something we are going to have to come to terms with sooner or later if we really wish to understand so as to evolve.
At first I wanted to just dismantle only certain beliefs the ones I did not like, I did not want to dismantle love, but as time went on I could see how if I left one belief then I was allowing them all as they were all connecting and holding each other together. I started to notice how I would desire love romance and affection such as cuddling and intimacy when I was in fear, or not wanting to think, when I was wanting a distraction so as to escape but Diego was always aware of this and thus he never gave me what I wanted or thought I needed.

For me the biggest thing to dismantle was not my unconscious religious beliefs, which to my shock and another disturbing realization that Diego pointed out to me that even though I claimed to not be religious and just because I always rejected it, that my thinking was still actually religious with out me even knowing it.
“Even atheists have religious thinking and they do not know It., he said. We really need to think about what we think before we speak and act. This was the thing I struggled the most dismantling with and that is my concepts of love, that ruled in my mind for so long like an authority figure the thought to end all thoughts, so as not to challenge myself to every question or think past it. I had the thoughts and feelings come up so many times with Diego where I wanted to say ‘I love you’ but I was too nervous to so I said it to myself ‘I love him so much’ it was almost compulsive like a mental turret syndrome repeating over and over in my head, beaming it to him through my eyes. To control these thoughts is not wise. After awhile I became no longer annoyed with these thoughts and feelings because as hard is it was to understand and see that they were fakes, I was glad to know. At least I now had an idea on where inside me to observe and understand. I have to push past all these ideas and feelings of love. I was so curious to know what was on the other side of it, to see what it really was really there. For so long I wanted to see like Diego and now that I was starting to I really did not like it. Just like how he said, “we think we want enlightenment and ascension but are we sure we will like it when we get it? What if it’s boring or not what we thought or wanted at all then what? We are stuck in this limbo of what we strived so many life times for, in which we shaped and forced all our thoughts to be servants for what we thought we wanted. Like so many things in our life when we strive for something and we get it, we often find its not what we wanted at all and it does not make that itch go away at all. It just makes it worse. We all know this, we all afraid to make a decision and commitment in life because of the fear of ‘what if I made the wrong decision and do not like it but its too late? Its happened so many times that doubt and discontent, hesitancy is there and we let it really affect us.
So my question is, if we know this then why can’t we think about this also for the existential thinking and goals we have like heaven and ascension love god etc? We really are not thinking about this or we do not want to because it is too damn scary. To think that if good intentions is not enough and often makes things worse then were are we really guiding ourselves with our thinking in this life, our species future, and the after life?
Now I could see why Diego said, “death is not an escape of our confusion, how it can continue on even after we die, just because our body is dead it does not mind our mind dies so if we are still confused we go into another limbo.
As hard as this was I had to think past this the best I could starting with the one that kept coming up which was love. I would always ask myself why do I love him really? Why do I need to say this and think this all the time? Is this me or my conditioning yet again? It was terrible because now that I was aware of it, it was not enough it even made my mind turn into a beast inside me. For it knew I was onto it and observing it, and it did not like being exposed. So my conditioning waited for me to forget to observe it, so it could send me thoughts like: He is not doing what you want. He does not care about you. He does not love you. He does not love you nor can not convert him to love, because your love is not strong enough after all. He just wants his way and blah blah my mind gave me never endings thoughts, reasons and illusions confusions to spin around in circles, to get upset so as to create reasons to fight and argue with Diego about. Of course Diego saw through it every-time and never judged me for this, but always managed to dump an ice cold water of psychological potency every time.
“This is the virus, he said, do you see how much infected you are with it? You call yourself a light worker that your all about love light and peace yet here you are fighting with yourself and with me. Why do you like to fight? Why do people love to talk about peace but really they secretly love to fight more? Which is why no matter how hard we strive for peace we will only get more dysfunctional relationships hurt and war.”
When I asked Diego about this he replied with. “Here are some sobering facts about love its not pleasant but we have to understand this if we really don’t want to be stuck in this limbo of confusion every time we strive for love and instead get pain back in return. This is a major conditioning for most people and is not pleasant to digest. Just when I asked Diego to go more gentle on me and love he went even more intense laying down the ugly facts one at a time.

Love limits the mind
Love is not intelligent
Time erodes love
Love is nothing but a memory
If one fully understands what love is then love will no longer be important and that’s a good thing.
If we put love first we will never understand.
Understanding is more important then love always.
Where there is love there is fear and can never be peace thus the saying ‘I wish you peace and love’ is an oxy moron.
So many say i love you with out understanding each other. Or I cannot live with out you. Most of the time this is said because of an unconscious need to control force abuse argue fight repress and trap others. only to find that we also do this to others all in the name of love as well, it’s a double edged sword.
Love equals violence.
To the point that to say those words is an insult and offense to our intelligence.
If we think with our memory/love then we are not a thinker and all of our future will become always our past because we are a slave to a memory an idea/ideal. Thus we will make our kids the result of our memories doomed to live the same life, forever repeating the pattern that we are seeing today in relationships and all the dysfunction and it just not working out for one reason or another.
There is no such thing as love, good, bad, god or even evil in nature, no animal cares or partakes in such things or ways of being it’s a mind invention by people, we use these ideals and beliefs to divide and destroy each other and the planet.

Love and our idea of love often creates a single memory that can shape our whole mind it often abduct our whole existence, and this is ridiculous, this is sad, and so limiting as it takes us further away from intelligence one day we will laugh at the things our species has done in the name of love then we will cry, then laugh again.

We will then know and say all i want now is to be the result of my free psychological intelligence
can we do that?
We must do that no matter how unpleasant it is.


It dawned on me pretty hard that as much I wanted to think I was in love with Diego, that it just was not true how could I be if I was confused? How can anyone have a real relationship if they are confused?
I could see that Diego and I really had no relationship right now because I was in a relationship with my confusion, and Diego was helping me to dismantle this so then we could experience a real relationship and actual love the one that exists from two totally unconditioned psychologically free minds. If I wanted to experience an actual real loving relationship that Diego talked about, I would have to continue forward with my dismantling process. I knew that having a real relationship with Diego should not be my main reason and indeed it wasn’t if it was it would get in the way of myself ever having psychosocial freedom. Which was easier said then done.
One time when I thought about loving Diego he said something that made my ears ring.
“This is not you, he would say, you were not born with these kind of thoughts. Do not ever use your idea of love as escape or a drug for this is how these feelings turn from warm and fuzzy to psychologically abusive traps. Never give up your intelligence of ability to think in the name of love, not for me not for a god not for anyone or anything as nothing is worth it. And non of them can get you out of the traps only your intelligence your ability to think can do that. Put your mind first and you will know what I am talking about.”
Wow now that is romantic, what this man is putting up with so I can understand so as to be able to have psychological freedom.

I would like to say that I stopped struggling with all my conditioned thinking and feelings then and there but that was not reality. My confusion refused to die and got even more intense looking for reasons to stay alive and defend itself. It was always acting like a firewall in my mind that I wanted to badly to see behind. I wanted the fights and wild goose chases to cease. But every-time I thought I got past this wall another wall of conditioning showed up it was the idea of love again but in a different package this time it was in a round object that I wore around my neck.



Chapter 18: Dismantling Anastasia Ringing Cedars Conditioning

I remember Diego asking me casually, “What is that thing you always wear around your neck? I have observed that you never take off.”
“Oh this is my ringing cedar pendant from the best books I ever read ‘The Anastasia’ books.
I like this pendant to because its just a piece of wood its nature, natural. Its not expensive bling jewelry it represents simplicity and my connection to nature; by wearing this I am an example for Anastasia. It is also used to help me find other like minds that have also read these books. It’s like a secret language belonging to a secret club people who have read these books and people who have not.

You know I mentioned the books before to your Russian neighbor. I was surprised she never heard of the books because they are huge and going to help the world. They inspired me so much and confirmed to me my mission. I saw I was not alone after reading them. That is how I found myself being a spiritual speaker, I wanted others to know they were not alone as well.”
“Oh really, Diego said, how so?”
“Yes, really, I said and I proceeded to tell him about the books and about Anastasia a girl that was found in the Siberian forest, that is so conscious that she could be in the dead of winter with no warm clothes, and not freeze. Wild animals tend to her every need like in my beloved fairy tales, she does not need anything at all, no house no fire, no utensils and yet she lives in harmony with all nature, connected with everything. She is also super intelligent as well and has solutions for everyone and everything and the way she explains things about the shift, and how we will awaken and change the world and how she is with the indigo and crystal children. The books have been tested in labs to see if people’s brains and heart changes from reading the books and it was found that people did indeed change from them. (Ah so much confusion still from me at that time sigh.) I kept trying to give Diego examples of things I read about her that would inspire and impress him but none of it did. He just said, “but how is that helping really? Are you sure she is doing all those things you say? Or did you just convince yourself of that because you want so bad for it to be true, because you want hope and something/someone to believe in?”
“No Diego It really is true, trust me it is the movement, the awakening, and it’s huge and I’m just not good at explaining it, let me read the books to you instead? (it is funny even though we talked about the shift and I agreed with what he shared I never connected it to Anastasia as I was still so into her and did not think this was the same thing that Diego was always trying to get at.)
I love to read out loud to people if I know they will enjoy it and get as much out of it as I did. You Diego remind me so much of her. So many things you say are in alignment with her. Such as how we must not disturb our thoughts and think deeply and thoroughly. Your understanding and connection with nature is similar to her as well. Also you both have a good idea of history and technology and the masses mind sets with out reading anything. You remind me so much of Anastasia in this relationship. I see you as her and I am Vladimir. But in my last relationship I was the Anastasia and my ex was the Vladimir. So its strange to wear the other shoe and know more what it must have been like for Vladimir, being with someone who was just so beyond everyone and everything and feeling less then and not sure how to keep up and hold their own, as Anastasia constantly exposes the conditioning and BS.
She also says that nature loves people so much that it longs for people to touch all plants in a lovely conscious way.”
“But Jess can you not see that is such an egocentric thing to say? You may see it as loving and oneness but what it actually is selfishness, that humans think and are encouraged to think that they are the most important species, so they have a right to do what they want with this planet.
No animals or plant desired to be touched or be sent loving positive energy by humans if the human is confused, because they know how contagious it is and the reason their world is being destroyed to begin with, this is like sending a virus to nature.”

I did not really pay attention to what Diego said because I was still in la la Anastasia dream world in and my head and so I continued making my case on why these books and Anastasia are like him and how much they will help him like they did for me. He would agree with me soon and through the power of Anastasia his heart would be healed.
“Oh did I also tell you that in the books, it talks about how Anastasia is sensitive to confusion or anyone taking her out of her natural space? To the point in which there is some kind of energy that protects her. Which makes me think that could be what is going on with you and those invisible jellyfish? You and her both said your not responsible for what happens if a person tries to take away your peace or push confusion on you so.
I would not stop talking about the books I was constantly saying after everything he said, “oh Anastasia says something like that to. Oh just let me read a bit to you; you will love it, you will see, you will not regret it.” I pretty much became flat out annoying about these books until he finally agreed to let me read just a little to him. I agreed knowing that once I read a little bit to him he would be hooked like everyone else and want me to read the rest and his heart would open to love.
I read in a very sweet enduring passionate way, even doing voice impressions of each character in the book. I just poured my heart in it as I read hoping Diego would feel that to and appreciate it, I read to him as if he was a little boy. As I was reading I started to get thrown off, because I started to realize that it was not as similar to Diego as I told myself it was. I started to skip over things that I knew he would not like but their was too much it was repetitive and rhetoric with love, god, the highest good, divine, it just kept coming up so I just read it as is and got more and more deflated.
I tried to skip ahead to the good stuff the stuff that would really grab Diego but nothing did till after about 12 pages he said, “ok stop that’s enough.”
“No come on just a bit more, it really is good.”
“ I do not care.” he said.
“Well that’s a shitty thing to say I said starting to tear up. I care about the things your interested in at least you can try to understand what I am into make some effort for me.”
“Have you ever met this Anastasia he said?”
“Well no,” I said.
“Has anyone ever met her?” he pressed on.
“The author and very few people that are mentioned in the book, have met her,” was my response.
“Has anyone else ever met her in person?”
“ No, I said, she does not want to be in the public or meet anyone maybe because she also feels they are too confused I guess?”
“Well that’s a bit convenient don’t you think?”
“I never cared about it, she wants to be private, it makes sense, I respect that.” I said.
“And does it make sense to you that she tells people how they should have sex and what is right and what is not? Is that understanding and love or just more control fear and authority?”
“No its nothing like that, Its just an advanced way of being that we will one day will get to, when we are able to rise past our fleshy desires. Don’t you say the same thing? Is that not why your not so into sex though?”
“No, he said, and I sure has heck have no belief system governing this in me either.” “But how do you know if something is good or not then?” I asked
“I’m always thinking, he said. Lets take Eo for example I saw he wore the same pendant around his neck like you probably inspired after you shared about the books and because he looks up to you so much, he bought into them as well.”
“Yes he is a sensitive crystal starseed child suffering with all the confused people in the world.”
“ No, he said, he is non of those things, there is no such thing as indigo or crystal or starseeds. Nor is he conscious or sensitive, he is a victim of the silly new age beliefs. Because of those books he is a vegan and will puke with just one grain of parmesan cheese on his plain pasta. He has to buy the expensive salads at alchemy so as to confirm to himself that he is spiritual, conscious, pure and is being good, doing good. Because of those books he is virgin, waiting until he finds a girl like Anastasia and will only consider doing sex with a girl just for kids alone, and he does all this because he wants to be like Anastasia pure like her as he waits for the shift while things get worse. Can you not see how a single idea/belief can abduct our mind and our whole life how it can make us into a slave? Rather then thinking and being free from all this crap? It is because of those books and you that he clings to these beliefs that controls and suppresses him. Also I see how much those books promote god as well, so what is the result of that goodness or violence?”
“No, Diego, lots of good things come from those books.” I argued.
“Really, he said, can you introduce me to one person who has read those books, follows those teachings/ beliefs and are not a total mess struggling? Such a recipe only leads to confusion. And do not ever compare me to Anastasia, its offensive. I am not Anastasia, and you’re not Vladimir, so please stop thinking and comparing that you are. You think through these books they have made you blind.
Is it not because of these books that you ended up in an abusive relationship with your ex? You gave him most of your money recently because of hope that he would be fair in handling your families affairs, you trusted him because of hope, that deep down he is a good guy; that will do the right thing, and what is this hope really but fear. You’re under a spell with those books and beliefs. Your under a spell with your ex that’s why you gave him your money, even though you don’t trust him, but you trust your belief your hope your faith, your Anastasia to make everything ok, that’s a big mistake. You’re not going to get that money back, he has no intention of helping your family either. You will see he will reveal his true intentions to you very soon just watch and see.
How can you deal with anyone or anything if your/we are barely able to think? That makes no sense? How can we expect to have a relationship with anyone or do anything if we can barely think? Mathematically it will always equal more confusion and thus this species self destruction. People refuse to think everything is more important then their mind and understanding why we are so confused. (I was shocked to find just how hard it actually is to think. Since when did thinking become so hard to do? Thinking with out beliefs and conditioning was near impossible surprisingly. Diego said, “indeed it is impossible break apart the word impossible = I’m possible. We have no other choice but to think. We have to remember how to think, to understand how to think with out learning. Just try seeing how long you can think freely for, before you go back to thinking through beliefs/conditioning? When I tell people to try this Diego said all I ever get back is, no your evil, no your being negative.. ok thank you that’s really going to help you out of your mess entertaining such stupid primitive thinking. Porco dio”)
“No, I said, that’s not it at all.”
“Really, he said, so you did not think you have to be like Anastasia? And while you were so busy trying to be like her well of course you had to have a Vladimir as well, someone that you could change with your light love and wisdom right? To prove to yourself and others that Anastasia was true and that the teachings worked(Christians and other religions people use their beliefs to do the same thing). But it did not work you had got yourself over your head and did not know how to get out and you had too much pride and fear to tell your followers the truth of that relationship. You to ease others mind about that relationship by telling them that you were the Anastasia and he was the Vladimir and that was your mission. You tried to make others think they could do the same, and change these abusive partners. How many others read the books and had the same idea and found themselves trapped in a nightmare? Though none of them even suspected or dared to think that it was because of books/beliefs/ideas/thoughts like this that they were enslaved by the nightmare experiences they were living? No, they would say, it was always their karma or punishment or mission or whatever bullshit we tell ourselves to justify and allow the abuse to continue. But it only feeds the abuse rather then to free us from it. But it’s the hope that makes us think that the horrible situation or abusive person will somehow change and get better. What you thought was that you would just stay with him until the shift then everything would magically be better? You thought that your ex would suddenly understand the Anastasia teachings and follow it fully, that he would suddenly become conscious and spiritual like you like your idea of her? He knew that was the way to keep you in his life, so he pretended to be conscious and used that gimmick to exploit you and your followers.
How many women in an abusive relationship stay with the man because they hope it will get better? They live in that hope that psychological idea of time in the future that will never come, rather then in reality and they do what they can to escape their reality, such as new age books, and goddess workshops, marriage, kids, vacation, entertainment, techniques, new sex tips, classes and so on. They look for solutions out of their traps but non of them will ever work because they want a solution tailored to their comfort belief and this is how we are always feeding what we fight.”
“Stop it Diego, your words are cutting me too deep. I think I’m going be sick, I have to puke. Why are you being so cruel to me? I told you that you have to be gentle with me.”
“ No, he said your under a spell with these books, being gentle is not going to get you to snap out of it. Being gentle will only continue to feed it. You have to see it for what it is. What is behind those books and all spiritual solutions, and all religions, all solutions, ideals especially these so seeming good beliefs so seeming innocent books are violent. You yourself wanted to know how you ended up in a situation like that, and how others find themselves in similar situations as well, so now you know, but what you cannot handle it? You have to handle it, you have no choice if you truly want to prevent this from happening to you again and to others. This is the dismantling process and it’s not pretty, come on face the music or forever run from it claim innocence not to understand when you know you do.
Can you see what you were doing when you wanted to push these books on me, which is a belief your pushing on me? Again you say that you’re not religious but you are for you do the same things as them, the very thing you do not like your doing the same. Remember you said this book is the answer and something I need for confirmation, but I do not need this. Do you see how this virus works to trap others? I mean what were you expecting from me to be like “”wow your right these books are great, yes I want to do everything they suggest to so we can live in some utopia limbo?”” I am sure you will be most upset if I do not agree to these books or teachings which will give you reason to fight and to justify the fight so as to push me into feeding some self commiseration for you. So as to make me feel bad so I have to make it up to you. But I see these traps and nor will I fall for them. You must be able to see them to.
In those books you mentioned about the children prophesies, that the kids will lead the way, you label them indigo crystal star children, you interpret everything you read and see through this belief. You can not see anything else, because your beliefs make you see what you want and discard anything that does not fit those ideals, so you convince yourself of a shift and humans are waking up. But the truth is they are not and no kids can save people because the adults are so badly conditioned that the poor kid does not have a chance they get conditioned right away and it’s a done deal.
The parents push the new age, religious ideals on the kids, trying to convince themselves that they and their children are special. That is why these beliefs are so important to people they want to feel special; then they talk about ego and we are all one. I mean really? Are you kidding me? Give me a break. Why don’t they think my goodness? It’s so sad for me to see kids forced to do yoga, eat only raw food and speak spiritual jargon. Or when you see here in Bali the little kids dressed in ceremony clothes and stupid people take pictures saying, “”ah that is so cute.”” I mean poor kids, they do not get a child hood or a chance to think, no they have to kill that in the kid right away and replace it with culture so they can add to the confusion in this world. This is not cute this is seriously sick. And you Jess with -holding onto these books and all the beliefs that go with them are contributing and feeding this to continue on. Is that what you want a world like that really? You say you do not like it, and you agree its sick but its not enough you need to know if you promote this stuff then your instantly responsible for this mess in the world.

And what about that new age community where the main speaker/representative killed his wife and the community rather then being appalled by this, said “”oh I guess its her karma we just need to love and forgive this man because that’s what lightworkers do.”” They are conditioned to love no matter how much abuse and insanity goes on they are afraid to judge to think to question to not be good or spiritual/positive enough so they follow the pack with a certain kind of positive thinking about everything even murder. Another sick thing about this is the many who heard this story found it inspiring and that this is more evidence that people are awakening yet the killer got away scot-free. So he could easily do the same again, no problem, same as the scam, or sin all you want just repent at the end of the day or your deathbed just say these words and all is fine. (I shared this story recently on my facebook wall and to my disgust most people saw this as a positive inspiring story.)
Can you see the insanity in this? Can you see how this can never ever lead to peace but more suffering? And the worse part is, that this is all happening because of a single idea, a single belief that we were not born with, that we allowed to abduct our whole life and mind because we think its good and will make us good. It’s like that saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Indeed that is true.

You want to believe these books are true but its not reality its not going to fix things how are peoples lives because of beliefs like this? And what about Wolf he read those books and wanted to make an eco-community based on them. So he could be the alpha male to seduce all the woman that showed up to control and repress them like he did with you. Look pretty say nothing, do as I say because I am so conscious sleep with me and you will be conscious like me. Its clear that these books, this Anastasia can not remove human confusion either.
You yourself Jess saw how so many wanted to make eco-communities based on Anastasia’s and other stupid new age beliefs/teachings yet non of them ever worked they all fell apart and will fall apart because of one stupid reason or another. Is this the future we have to look forward to thanks to these beliefs because we are not thinking? I hate to see a future like this, who knows maybe their will be think positive police arresting you if your not thinking positive or conscious enough to someone else’s ideas and standards. What a wonderful world lovingly repressed and controlled in a positive way. I’m sorry that is not freedom, surely you see that right?”
“Uhm I trembled and said in a low sober voice. I never thought about that before.”
“Exactly, he said now the question is how many other things are there that we are not thinking about either?
Jess think about this more, if you do you will see that most likely these books come from the Russian mafia and the catholic church its so clear how she defends all beliefs and promotes god. Someone is making lots of money off of this scam. I mean people are even willing to buy Anastasia toothpaste and gum, to me that is a sign of a mental illness or an experiment to show how easy it is to fool and exploit people. Its clear that this Anastasia and new age is a total set up that its in some-ones interest that we embrace these beliefs. Just think who else could be profiting from this? I would not be surprised if the pharmaceutical industry is behind funding all these new age speakers. Which I am certain is linked to the rise depression and more people on meds then ever before. This content messes people up they become so confused stuck and distraught they get committed or turn to meds if not by themselves then by their family. The family says we are committing you because we love you, that’s what love is now a days more authority force control. I fight you because I love, love which is actually I love my beliefs.
How many times did your ex say when he was trying to screw you around, “”I am doing this cause I love you?”” you try to talk to him about something intelligent he interrupts you to say I love you then its sex and you forgot everything? Men that beat their wives say “”I am doing this because I love you.”” woman who get beaten say “”after all he is my husband and I love him and I want to be good. I must be positive, so I will forgive him and let him get away with his actions. As I hope he will not beat me again, but I will prepare just in case maybe I can make it better with him by having kids with him?
People say, I kill others and go to war because I love my country, I love my god, and so on. Its never ending confusion and stupidity. Its harsh but reality damn it and we have to face it and understand it or spend the rest of our life in this mess. We have no time to be gentle and play the perfect relationship. People who hear this will most likely say, then that is not real love, is that not what light-workers say when you tell them about these things? They say its not love they say, its divine this and that, but they themselves are not even able to make their life or any relationships work they live in a hope of an idea of what they think love is. I mean what the heck is the divine? Diego asked. It smells like more authority and control to me and this Anastasia promotes this.
So you imitated her and your life became more a mess and become more confused can you see how this works for religious people as well? They want to be like god, new agers now say that they are god, so they do their best to imitate their idea of him; and their idea of him is not what he actually is. Which is a mind manufactured idea. Real or not this god still equals confusion, pettiness, insanity, and violence. Our idea of god has single-handed destroyed our planet faster then anything else.
Islam means peace but where is peace? I just see violence, burkas and repression abuse of woman, same with Christianity violence abuse and repression of woman and same with these Anastasia teachings, which I noticed as you were reading to me how much she is an advocate of god promoting this kind of non thinking, non understanding, insanity; because this is what god actually is violence, psychopath, confusion, authority and what it actually comes from. This is why people desire peace and love through their ideas of god but end up getting more insanity and violence and more repression from their government. People do not like the illuminati but they are the ones encouraging this repression by these insane belief. These people who think in that way are the bloody conspiracy to themselves first and foremost then it gets mirrored outside into the world. They wanted to be like god, well their they go, they got just that pettiness violence and control/authority. If people just thought for a second what they think then they could see this first hand and its not my opinion it’s a fact its history, its porco dio.
And all this is for what some heaven, or to be able to become enlightened or to ascend or to be gifted 72 virgins?
What if others do not like heaven or enlightenment what if it’s boring, then what? What can you do about it? Nothing you’re stuck there for an eternity.
As for 72 virgins, what if they are all crazy? or they all get their period at the same time as they are all fighting for you, can you expect to have any peace? I’m sorry but one man living with 72 virgins does not sound like heaven to me but hell. Do you see how we do not think? How all this always equals a psychological limbo no exceptions?

People should not be asking if there is a god or not they should be asking why should I care? Why do I care? What happened to me to make me care about these things? I never cared about this when I was kid; we were not born this way. No animal’s care about a god, you never see animals warring with each other building temples.
“But what about loving positive thoughts to heal the body or create our desired reality I asked trying to prove him wrong, oh how I wanted him to be wrong as its so terrible and shocking it can’t be true can it? Is it really this bad? Are we really his lost? What about all of our solutions? What about all the people that hang onto salvation?”
(this is also a continuation to why bad things happen to good people chapter-) Diego responded with,” we are constantly told by new age even religion that our thoughts create our reality and effect our body/health, so all we have to do is positive loving and kind and everything will be fine right? This is totally false. It’s not true because its actually the thoughts that are behind the thoughts that effect our body and create our reality. For example a person has good intentions to help another person, or help the planet, but they are confused and they are helping mainly because of what is behind that thought which is usually because the person wants to have good karma for their own good, or so they can feel better about themselves, or to feed their identity to confirm to themselves and to others that they are a good person, or to make profit, or to be loved and accepted, popular, or to be a special person, or because they are looking for a way to escape their lives, and all these things are illusions created by conditioned/confused thinking. This is the thought behind the thought and what that actually is fear and confusion. Thus no matter how kind, positive or loving the person is to others or to their own body they still get back violence, pain and confusion from their life and from their body and especially from their mind. Because the thought comes from control and conditioning force stress and authority of how we should be which is a fake and not natural.. When we are not being in our natural state of thinking everything turns on us even the mind and the body. This is why we say stuff like “The secret” and all channeling new age religious stuff is dangerous.
Behind the thought of the thought is energy and that energy is what we are actually made of.
If we are confused (98% of the people on the planet are confused) and they are sending positive loving energy to someone or something what we are actually sending is confusion and violence not love. Which is why after all these mediations on peace and attempts to send love we have more war, violence and confusion then ever before. People think they are helping in this way but it does not help at all it actually makes things worse. Ok there are reports that people who meditate on places with high crime rate and they found it does reduce the crime, this is done by putting people to sleep, and crime is reduced in that area but springs up somewhere else in another part of the world and shows up even more so in peoples minds. All this does is address the symptom and not the root just like a pain killer its temporary when it wears off its back again even more intense then before yet we still are convinced then mediation and positivity is the answer. I’m sorry we can not expect to bring peace to the world by control, suppression, force or violence which is what meditation is we force control repress the mind and that’s violence.
But if a person is able to understand observe and dismantle the conditioning of the thoughts behind their thoughts then they are most likely to attain their psychological freedom.
We can not say to ourselves I’m going to train and be healthy through the fear of being sick as this is coming from a fear and sick confused thoughts, not a free flowing one like a child has who runs and moves naturally… this is what I mean about going deep and thinking about what we think. To be able to think behind the thoughts, to understand with out learning and think about our thoughts with out the thoughts that created the thoughts because it is there where you will find true psychological freedom everything else will just lock you in a self inflicted miserable limbo.
So go ahead try it for yourself jess, think of a major thought that is the main character in your life and now see if you can see that thought behind the thought to see what it really is and what it is really doing for your life?”
This was too much for me to take and the more he spoke the more small and terrible I felt. I said to him, “you must think I am really stupid don’t you, being a spiritual speaking promoting this for so many years?”
“ Oh no, don’t you do that, don’t you sink into apathy and self commiseration again because that kind of thinking is what is actually stupid and it will never ever help you to understand or use your intelligence on what is really going on here. This is a clever game the mind plays to escape thinking this, ‘no its too much,’ ‘no I’m too stupid to get this,’ guilt bla bla. Do not fall for that trap either jess, besides you really think I would be here with you if I thought you were stupid and did not have the potential (which is very rare) to understand and dismantle this psychological virus? Come on Jess think, you’re a victim of this, do not defend it, especially when the majority are also victims of this kind of thinking as well. Do we really have to be artists in suffering?”
But I could not think my ringing cedar pendant felt like it was burning a hole on my chest. “Maybe I deserve this.” I said.
“No, he said, that is another trap, abusive thinking leads to abusive life events and people, do not fall for it again, snap out of it.
Why don’t you try just for a day taking off that pendant and see how you feel?”
“I can’t, I said, I have worn it for so long. I have never taken it off, its my identity. I cannot imagine not wearing it, who would I be then?”
“ You would be you then, not Anastasia or what ever else. Go ahead give it a try take off the pendant.”

I admit I had a real hard time spending that day with out the pendant. When I got upset or my conditioning picked a fight with Diego I went to my pendant and put it back on to show him I was mad. When I wanted to please Diego and show him that I understand and that I was improving I took the pendant off.
Then I saw what I was doing; I did not care to please Diego. This pendant is not about him anyway nor does he really care if I wear it or not. He cared why I wore it and what it meant to me; if it was something I wore just cause I liked to or because it was really helping me or was it just another drug belief to hide behind?
But if I did not wear it then what I just reject that belief and replace it with his beliefs and ideas? I struggled at that time to not able to see how what Diego was sharing was also a belief. Even though he said it’s not a belief, we were not born with beliefs. What he was sharing was not his opinion it was a fact it was reality a bitter pill to swallow. But it would take me a long time before I would fully understand how what Diego was saying was not a belief which I will reveal as I continue on with these blogs.
One last thing to add about this, I eventually took the pendant off and never put it back on again and now I cannot understand why I ever wanted to wear that thing to begin with. I had no idea such a silly little pendant could have such a strong hold on my mind, that it could create such a huge virus and possess me. With the help of Diego I had managed to free my self from the Anastasia ringing cedars of Russia spell.



Chapter 19: My Good News is Someone Else’s Bad News

Of course when I tried to tell others about this revelation like my mother and followers they said, “I was being negative and that I was killing hope and totally brainwashed by Diego, this made me extremely frustrated. When I informed him of this he just said, “welcome to my world. This is how It has been my whole life every-time I try to tell people these things which is why I am very selective with who I talk to about this with.”
Well Diego I have a knack at explaining complicated things to people I can make it more simple for them so maybe I can find a way to explain this to others to. I then went over to practice more on my mom and also share with her my decision.

“You know bear how I said I would only spend 2 months in a relationship with Diego at least until after the end of the world? Well I decided now that that time has passed I am going to stay longer with Diego. I am going to stay in Bali with Diego. I see now, I need more time with him. I want to stay longer with him as long as I can.”
“No jessica, this is too much for you, I am worried about you. Your becoming jaded and cynical, you’re pissing off your followers even the ones who donate to you. People want to hear from you your thoughts not Diego’s. If you keep this up you’re not going to be able to afford to live. How will you survive? You have been living off of your donations for a couple years now, why on earth would you want to kill your goose that lays golden eggs for you? Your running out of money soon then what will you do? Why do you have to be with Diego and dismantle? Surely you can do it as friends from afar? I really think you should come back to Canada with me, I’m so worried about you.”
“ No mom I made up my mind and I am sticking to it. And those people who are donating to me because they are drugged by new age ideas and that is doing more harm then good. How can I accept money for this? How can I continue doing what I do?”
“But how will you eat? It’s not really as bad as you say Jessie. You’re just thinking too much and your over paranoid. Its really nothing its not that bad, it will be ok you will see.”
“No mom can’t you see what your saying? Your thinking through hope and that’s really fear.”
“ Jess people need to have something to believe in. They need their beliefs they need to have hope otherwise what is the point of living everyone might as well just commit suicide? You’re a motivational speaker, these things you speak of, are not motivational at all, actually it’s just the opposite. Who wants to hear about that? Life is hard enough for people as is.”
“No mom that is a big scam people are sold its not true, but no one dares to think or question this its too scary for them. People spend their life hoping for things that will never come. That is why politicians use the word hope and change all the time yet nothing ever changes, it just gets worse because we are too busy focused on the hope and change rather then thinking ,so to actually have change. It’s a terrible thing to spend our whole life on hope rather then actually living our life in reality, and I for one am tired of doing that. Can you not see the scam and how dangerous hope is?

I decide to change the subject, I was heating up in my intensity, and nothing I said seemed to get through to her. So I did not know how to explain this to her at the time and I was feeling more and more heart broken by her words and my inability to explain it to her. I was also upset with myself; I was such a good communicator now I felt like I had to learn to speak all over again. But the words never came out right just lots of emotion, which my mom took as me being distraught and not clear. So I said instead, “I know you do not understand this now, and I do not know if you will ever understand but I still like to think that maybe one day you will understand.

There is also one more thing mamma bear I want you to tell my best friend Melissa back home, that I do not think that it is not a good idea for her to come visit me in Bali. She is too much of a hard core christian and I do not see this going well with her and Diego. I think she will be so freaked out when she talks with him because I know he will not hold back or be gentle or sugar coat anything. You and I both know how fragile she is right now, struggling with her depression her medications and mind. If she is not open which I know she is not then this is not going to be a good cocktail. It would be better to discourage her about coming to visit me. Besides there are no christian churches here which is something I really like about Bali, no crosses, or \y jesus carcass in my face, or annoying christian holidays flaunted at stores so I am not sure how she will survive here.
Also we have to tell her that I am not going back to Canada anytime soon, that I have made a decision to stay in Bali and make it my new home.”
I thought Melissa would be happy for me about the news but she was really crushed that her best friend had decided to move so far away. She did not like that we were drifting further and further apart nor that I was with a man that she did not approve of because she could not talk about her faith with him or even make jokes with him he stopped the conversation right away and refused to speak with her. Especially because he knew how much she was suffering with her beliefs that were like a vicious circle a self inflicted hell in which her problem was her beliefs, she did not know this or refused to see it for her the only solution is her beliefs she would reject anything else that was not want she wanted to hear. Which led to a huge amount of tension in our relationship to the point it was getting more and more hard to converse with her how we used to because It was getting more challenging to be fake with her or how I was before. Only I did not know I was being fake, I thought I was being a good friend; but apparently not, all I was really doing was just giving her the psychological drugs she wanted. I will get more into that in another blog.



Chapter 20: Topsy Turvey Balinese Logic

I have to admit I did not like Bali at all when I arrived. I did not want to stay there as long as I did. But since I ended up staying I started to appreciate being out of the western world loop. There were some things that is really nice about Bali, such as: the lush jungle, the laxidayzical laws, the heat and cool heavy rain, the snakes and exotic wild life, the cheap prices of houses and food. I felt it would be better for people to leave the rat race and live out in Bali where you do not have to struggle so much to survive. I thought I could tempt my mom into moving out to Bali, as I felt this strong need to have my family near me. How ever after 7 months of living in Bali things started to change. New development was happening constantly and very fast. Everywhere I turned a new houses was going up, more trees and jungle were being destroyed and suddenly there was no peace just constant noise. Then there were the westerners that were showing up in swarms over populating Bali and devouring its resources like locusts that wanted to escape their old life. The prices here where cheap to them and so the locals got greedy they started to realize they could charge a lot more for everything and so they did and almost over night the prices increased and kept increasing to the point it was crazy. Not too long ago a whole house was 200 USD a month now to get one bedroom was $700 USD. Food went from 1$ to 5$. I told my mom it would be so cheap but by the time she got here it was not cheap at all. Not just that the food and service is terrible. Not because they are mean or anything they just do not know how to think. For example if you see on the menu they have a salad and a chicken as two separate dishes and if you ask to combine it into a chicken salad they response with ‘impossible.’ If you order a cheese sandwich you will get the smallest and most pathetic amount of cheese.
Cheese is strange to the Balinese, they just do not understand it. Often times you can find bugs plastic and hair in your food. I one time ordered fish sticks that were deep fried but the Balinese server must have been sleeping when they made it because they did not remove the individual plastic wrap and deep fried that to that I could only discover when I bit into one. Most of the food is very low quality and done anyhow at all. Drinks are either over watery or too much sugar or just perhaps spoiled fruit. They try to charge as much as they can for the food to, and you can not complain because they will just say ‘sorry ya’ and that’s it there is nothing you can do. They say ‘sorry ya’ for everything no matter how bad it is of something they did until you just get frustrated and go away, its super annoying.
When your paying for your food you have to pay attention to the bill because they will play tricky games such as charging you extra or adding extra things on the bill that you did not order. The tourists tend to just say ‘huh, how come my bill is so high? I did not order that much.’ but then the tourists will just shrug it off and pay anyway thinking meh its still cheaper then my country.
The locals will also do stuff like this at the super market if your white you have to pay more, they watch what you buy the most of and purposely raise the price on it because they know you will buy it. It’s ridiculous what they charge for fruits and vegetables, and they are often heavily sprayed or rotten.
When you go to the till to pay the locals often do not have proper change (or so they say) so they will instead give you a candy. You can lose a lot of money this way. If you try to do the same thing back to them pay with a candy for small change they will get offended. I remember one time even the pizza boy did not have change I am like really but that’s your job to have the right change.
The locals can not be trusted even if you know them for 5 years and they will still try to make you into their best friend until you buy land or make some money deal with them they will take over everything you have and then get the government to remove you from the country leaving you with nothing. It has happened so many times to people Diego knows. Which is why he never bought land or tried to set up the EOF as a physical center there.
The locals also are only interested in fast money so if you living in your house and someone comes to them and says they want your house and will pay a little more. Then the locals can kick you out with hardly any notice. You have to watch them because they are always playing tricky games, always trying to scam you, to them all white people are walking ATM machines, and we are all wealthy and crazy to them. They cannot fathom why a person would spend so much on a plane ticket just to sit on their beach it makes no sense to them. They know we have beaches much closer by and in our countries yet here we are.
The locals are also extremely loud, inconsiderate and they will not give you any privacy especially if you have a temple in your yard. Their ceremonies happen every 15 days sometimes every 5 days depending on the month, which is super annoying and loud. Not to mention how they treat the animals or how many they sacrifice for their ceremonies.
The Balinese’s culture is huge here, its like a circus show, there is always some kind of ceremony. Where ever the priests decide it will take place, it does, i have seen a whole street be shut down and blocked because they are all kneeling on the ground.. Their ceremonies tend to be very loud elaborate and long they are very hard to keep up with and understand. It is very frowned upon to not go to a ceremony if you do not go to a ceremony you have to pay, and the ceremonies take over 70% of the locals income.
Oh and good luck asking them about why they do what they do, they will just mumble something and laugh and most of the time it will make no sense and confuse the heck out of you.
The Balinese people are Hindu and Buddhists hybridized with a whole bunch of other faiths and beliefs so they believe in the whole gambit.
Bali is full of garbage and pollution as well; do not trust any paradise pictures of Bali most likely the garbage is photo shopped out. So many come here thinking its like Hawaii. It is not like Hawaii at all. Forget about making friends with westerners as most of them are crazy which had us pretty much keep to our selves. The mental institutions in Bali are full of westerners that came here to do some new age workshop or some project and they ended become a total mess and lost their minds. We really only socialized with people that came to Bali to specially visit us. Otherwise I have been pretty much isolated feeling like I’m stranded on a deserted island with a very poor crappy Internet connection.

There is this huge black and yellow spider that spins golden webs that the locals will eat raw for their wedding night, as they believe it makes them stiff for the whole night. It is their natural organic Viagra; poor spider. The huge brown jumping spiders I used to be so afraid of, that now I adore and laugh that I was ever afraid of them. The locals catch them and fry them until their legs fall off, then they feed it to their kids as a bed wetting remedy. They say its most effective though if they are able to catch a mother spider with her huge egg sack attached to her and fry that as well. My goodness that would motivate anyone to stop wetting their bed don’t you think?
Cops became cops by buying the outfit that comes with a whistle if you can afford the suite that automatically makes you a cop. This place is super backwards.
Of all the people in the entire world the Balinese score the lowest in IQ tests. I do not want to say they are incompetent, even though they sure seem like they are, but well just just say they think in a very strange way or they do not think at all in a very strange way. Let me give you some examples so you can better understand and you can decide or come to your own conclusions.
We had a friend who had to leave Bali for a few months and she asked her Balinese house keeper to make sure her cat is fed at least half a box of cat food a day. When our friend returned, she found her fridge full of many boxes half full of cat food.
This local that was employed for this very simple task, took what was said literally she bought a box of cat food gave the cat half of the box of food then the other half was put away in the fridge never to be used again, because after all that is half the box. If the cat were hungry the next day then off to the store she would go for another box of cat food.

Diego was always hesitant to let the local family that owned our house to come in and clean our house. I did not know why until after they cleaned. In our bathroom Diego has painted many rocks its clearly art, but the lady that cleaned did not see it that way and mindlessly swept them all away into the jungle part of the bathroom as if they were garbage to her. Most of the stones got buried in the dirt and pretty much got destroyed because of this negligent act. But if those stones were in her temple she would take such care and consideration of them, maybe even doing a little prayer for them.

On another occasion a few years ago when Diego was living in another place he woke up to find all this noise and fuss and it was all because their was a banana found in the yard. To the locals this was something serious for some reason maybe a bad omen, who knows? They ended up calling the high priest and a ceremony was done that lasted a whole day. Diego tried to understand what was going on with this mystery of the banana that was supposedly not supposed to be there. In his investigation he found in the back of the yard a small banana tree and thought most likely the wind blew it into the yard, or a squirrel found it and tried to carry it off. There are many logical reasons, but no to the locals some spirit did it and thus lots of unnecessary stress and work must be done and it’s all because of one banana. Not one of the locals ever thought to ask, but why should we care so much if one banana is in our yard or not? Which clearly shows how much people do not think. To care about ones beliefs, culture, values superstition takes total control of the mind possessing a person and then they forever live in fear of this one idea/illusion in their head. Whenever Diego shares this story he says’ “how many of us do the same? How many bananas are in our brain that we do not even know about or even consider? Yet we give so much value and merit to these bananas.”

Another friend of ours who had a small clothing business went to a clothing factory and said I want 100 of these shirts exactly like this one here and he pointed it to the locals and they said, “ok come back in a week.” When he showed up to pick up his order he found that all 100 of the shirts had a cigarette burn hole in them. All because apparently the first shirt he pointed out had a cigarette burn hole in it, that he did not know about or see. He did say after all he wanted it exactly like that shirt. So that meant that when the locals saw this burn hole they painstakingly sat down and recreating that exact cigarette burn in that specific spot on everyone of the shirts. Welcome to Bali.
There is another weird ceremony holiday they have for the dead, how it works is if your loved one has died and your rich then you can have them cremated right away. If not you have to wait for a specific holiday so in the mean time the dead is buried but when the holiday comes families have to dig up their loved ones. Even if they have been buried for 5 months or longer and carry them in a way like dummy walking with one member moving one leg then the other. They then tie their dead family member to a tree for another ceremony then they cremate them. No one can do this for them it does not matter if there is only 1 or 2 people or even kids in the family they are expected to do this, there is no way out or great shame bad luck and woe to you. Can you imagine participating in such a crazy holiday?
And if that is not bad we enough we have to deal with crazy new agers saying, “Bali is so spiritual and inspiring.”
To that I say, “Oh Really, did you see that temple made entirely out of pig skin that were skinned alive for this insanity? Oh yes, so spiritual and inspiring indeed. You who claim to be a healer why not send healing with your quantum cosmic divine energy to the pigs and see if they heal. Ask your god or use your healing energy to cure the world’s confusion and stupidity so stuff like this does not have to happen anymore, or are your beliefs more important then our sanity?”
Now who wants to come to Bali?
But seriously if it were not for Diego there is no way I would have stayed in Bali as long as I did. Most of the people that came to visit us in Bali found that they really do not like Bali. So many asked me but how long are you planning to stay in Bali and I always said, “I do not know.” Often I would suggest us moving somewhere else but Diego never budged on this. However I never gave up making suggestions on this until I finally found a way to make a move from Bali happen. But I am getting ahead of myself that story will be revealed in a future blog.


Chapter 21: The Adventures & Misadventures with my Mom & Eo

a) Diego’s Frustrations with my Mother- As time went on with my mother being here I could see that Diego did not feel so comfortable with my mother, he said to me. “At least Jess your willing to understand but your mom does not seem to want to do that even.”
“What did my mom do now?” I asked.
Diego is never shy to hold back if he is annoyed he will say it and indeed he went through a list for me. He then told me how his neighbor and good friend found my mom at the front door of her house at 7am. My mom woke her up because Diego and I were not awake. So she thought she could hang with our neighbor for a bit even though they only met once. After waking her up, my mom then asked our neighbor if she could make her breakfast for her as well. I cannot believe my mom would assume that our neighbor would make breakfast for her just like that. Then she asked our neighbor why she and Diego never got together since they got along so well? I am sure she thought what kind of question is that? Obviously our neighbor did not appreciate this. I tried to understand why my mom would do this as I felt it was out of her character or what I knew about her at least. Ok the question about why her and Diego never dated I admit was something I was wondering about myself; that I shared with my mom, but I did not know that she would voice it out like that. I admit I do not have much tact but I do in cases like that. When I asked my mom about all this she just said she did not know.
Then Diego went on, “there was that time that she came into the house and sat on the bed with her shoes on. She did not think to take them off. It’s not about being clean, because you know I do not care about that, but its about consideration. In this case your mom likes to do these things for entitlement reasons. She thinks because she is the mother that she can do what she wants, and I will put up with it, because I am with you, but its not true, and no I will not.”
“ Well when you first met me I was pretty negligent.” I said.
“This is a different kind of negligence then the one you had jess, you never did it on purpose to test. Oh yes, that to I do not appreciate; how she told you to test a man to know if he is a good partner for you or not.”
“ She was just trying to help me to be able to know. I do not see that as bad advice, a girl has to be careful to who she picks as a partner in this day and age what with so many weirdo’s and people being so good at being fake its hard to tell or know for sure who is legit and who it not.”
“ If your not confused you know, Diego said, if your confused you play silly games that become set ups and manipulation and it does not work because even though woman do that they still end up with jerks because they want to see their partner how they want to see them and are reluctant to see them any other way. Every time your mom comes over she likes to make a mess as well, so that day not only did she put her shoes on the bed but she asked me to get her a chocolate bar from the market, and I did, and she ate it, and then threw the wrapper on the floor. Whenever she goes into the kitchen she always leaves a mess, she never cleans up after herself.”
“ But Diego I did the same, when I first came here. I think what is happening here is when we were little kids we always made a mess and she always had to clean, so she said ‘one day when we grow up and get a place of our own she will come for a visit and make a mess back for us to see how we like it.’ My mom has a good memory when it comes to things like this. I think its revenge to her or some justice of a mother.”
“ Yes but jess, its still inconsiderate because she is not doing it to you but to me to test me, so I can get her approval for you. Yes you did make a mess for me but again it was not on purpose you just were in another space in your head.”
“ Perhaps my mom is doing this because she felt she went soft with my ex and did not want to have me be in the same situation again. So she is doing what she can to prevent that?” I earnestly searched for an explanation and always did my best to speak on my mother’s behalf so as to avoid biasness or to feel like I am being forced to choose sides, which is something my ex did. When I told my mom about this she said, “this no fair, its bias of course he will always defend you but not the mother, the mother is always the bad guy or the one to be first cast away.”
Once again I felt in the middle of things.
“What about that time Jess where she came over and used our bathroom for 2 hours and she did not even tell me that she was here let alone in the bathroom, perhaps I needed it? And the whole time while she was in the bathroom she was making strange annoying noises.”
“Well in all fairness my mom told me she was going to use the bathroom and that she would be awhile. I told her that it was fine. I am sorry, I should have checked with you first but I did not think about that. So this time its my fault not hers.” “Maybe so jess, but again that is not what it is about, its about her wanting unnecessary attention. I just do not like games and fakness like this. Why can she not just communicate with me rather then all these games? Perhaps she feels intimidated by me because I made her question things? She is used to being right, she spoke to me so as to have that as a goal. But I wanted her to see past that and she took it as an offense, now she is doing all this.”
“Ok, is that all or is there more?” I asked, even though I really wanted him to be done.
Diego went on, “I understand that your mom is looking to earn some money while she is here but the way she goes about it bothers me. You know the huge haunted house across from our house? When she heard I could have those poltergeists leave the house. She wanted me to do that so she could sell the house but asking for more then the usual price. I told her that those beings were there first its not faire for them to have to leave. Humans take so much space as is they feel everything is entitled to them they do not consider other life forms such as poltergeists for example at all.”
I did not know what to say on my mom’s behalf about this one I was rendered speechless. I could see what Diego was getting at though, with how humans are to other beings.
“Its just pride Jess and it’s a terrible beast that can take our whole mind as well. That’s what your mom is infected with. Its important to not need or encourage the pride, its nothing I can help her with, its up to her and her alone to rid herself of this pride, but most rather protect their pride at all costs. Pride can be made more valuable then ones own mind, or people that we care about, this happens so often in the world, there are so many victims and slaves of pride; it makes a person totally blind.”

b) The Return of Eo- 

To our surprise a few weeks before my mom was to head back to Canada Eo came for another visit. It pretty much cleaned my bank account to get her return ticket but I had no other options as she was not able to find a way to support her self there and she had run out of money.

I cannot recall why Eo decided to come out again so fast maybe to meet my mom. He heard she was an eccentric character like me and wanted to find out for himself. The first thing Eo witnessed was my mom earnestly catching fat warty toads with her bare hands and setting them loose in her place so they would eat all the bugs inside thus decreasing bugs from biting her ass, so she could have a sound sleep.
Load singing blue geckos with red poka dots were also welcome in my moms place. She struggled with every place she went to they all seemed to have a strong mold smell and often the shower did not work and the fan did not spin fast enough to keep her cool. Shortly after Eo arrived she did not stay at that place for long because weird black magic things were going on and it freaked her out, I think she also saw some rats, so she found another house to stay at temporarily. Then after that place she moved to another place, it was a small home stay by the road that never had a moment of silence with out cars and bikes boisterously going by beeping their horns. I really did not like this place for her but she insisted on staying their feeling it was better then the other place so I really have no idea what she experienced to spooked her out, to be able to put up with such noise. I know the locals did not fix anything and sometimes I came in on her room with out asking but I think she may have seen some thing creepy projected to her like Eo did when he stayed there.

Eo was different on his second visit to Bali. Even though we did still play some of our old games together such as finding animals people and things that looked Diego such as a solid black feathered duck with a big tuff of feathers on the top of its head sticking up just like Diego’s hair.
Eo did not stay at Diego’s place or really hang around us that often as he did before. He had noticed a lot of changes in me; such as that I was no longer wearing my ringing cedar pendant around my neck and he could not understand why I would not wear It anymore. Again I tried to explain to him but he like me was so addicted with these spiritual new age teachings that talking about the dangers of it is not enough to stop one from thinking and conducting their lives through such beliefs. Eo listened to me an Diego talk about this a lot but it never got through to Eo as he just saw what Diego shared as entertainment which is the last thing Diego wants what he shares to be taken as.
Diego is so far seems to be accurate when he calls this psychological drugs cause that is exactly how they act in ones mind.
But slowly, slowly it started to sink into Eo, he suddenly was not comfortable in spiritual places like he was before. He started to see the hypocrisy and fasod of spiritual people. Where before he used to look up to them, and want to fit in, he now was feeling disappointed by them when ever he asked a question to get them to think he saw just how much they refused to do this and rather stay in their bubbles of negligence. An example of some spiritual friends we met in Australia together that also came out to Bali for some job. When Eo went to Gillies islands with them he saw how they gladly participated in animal exploitation in which their were these tiny horses that were expected to work all day carting around fat tourists around with out giving them any water to drink. The horses were not aloud to rest either lest they be whipped. Even though these spiritual people saw this they said oh its so magical here I am so inspired. They totally ignored the lack of care for the horses even when Eo brought it to their attention, they would say something stupid and rhetorical like, ‘oh they chose their reality, to be with humans is a divine honor to them. But we will send them loving energy rather then water and that will make it all ok. (These are also the same people that said who cares if Bali got destroyed because of the movie eat pray love all that matters is that it inspired me. I never wanted to slap someone more in my life.) When these people met diego the boyfriend immediately thought he was evil while the girlfriend stuck out her fake tits so Diego could see them but Diego just yawned and turned away from which totally offended her. She was most likely thinking, ‘how dare he not make me the center of attention like everyone else does.’

Speaking of more negligent spiritual speakers who also promote their negligent thinking to the masses, which is a cause of great concern for Diego and me. In documentary on Deepak Chopra (or as Diego likes to call him Deepak Cobra) that was done by his son there is a scene where Deepak is in Thailand and there are 14 year old prostitutes near by and he said, ‘look how beautiful and inspiriting it is to live in such a multi diversity universe.’
Are you kidding Deepak? How can someone who is world famous for promoting consciousness/awareness be so blind? He also was totally unaware so caught up in his rhetorical motivational speeches trying to sound good, that he was did not paying attention or gave any thought to the elephant being brutally stabbed as well. Instead Deepak continue riding and filming his inspiring trip to Thailand.
These are our spiritual speakers. No wonder Diego says he has not met one spiritual teacher who is not messed up and totally negligent. All these things we constantly brought up to Eo. This was very challenging and unsettling for him. So he mostly focused on entertainment and distractions which I feel was also a motivation to spend time with my mom and me.

Here are some of the adventures we had with her. There is even a video series documenting this time. I apologize for the bad quality on most of them I only figured out how to fix this after most of them were put up and deleted the originals. But the videos are still worth watching, they are candid, funny and really gives you an idea of me and my mothers relationship, our similarities and differences and how I love to tease and bug my mom. Eo really enjoyed witnessing this as well. I think it is a good way for you to get to know my mom and me a bit better to.
My mom did not have a camera so I gave her my camera so that she could document her own adventures and just familiarize herself with such technology as it was strange to her. I taught her how to use the camera to make pictures and videos I even let her borrow it to practice on her own. Because it was annoying to film and photograph everything she asked. Also my mind was so preoccupied while my mom was here that I really did not spend that much time with her, I kept saying we would do this and that and then we never did it. So the last few weeks with her I tried to make up for lost time and cram in as much as time with her as I could.

c)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 1/8 – This first video is a little tour of our walks to lunch and the rest of the video is my attempt to give my mom guitar lessons. She is pretty funny in this video. Though I have no idea myself how to play guitar. The guitar was a gift from Joakim before he left; the only thing he showed me was the basic chords. But knowing the basic chords is not enough to play the guitar nor how to hold the guitar and strum while knowing how to touch and move around holding down the right chords was the tricky part for me. Rather then really practicing, I just strummed and pretended I was already good with the guitar of course I was not and Diego would often wear head phones when I practiced. Its strange how I always sound so much better in my head then in real life. No wonder so many choose to live in their head rather then reality.
To this day I still can not play the guitar, I get too nervous and intimidated by the guitar now it sits in the house gathering dust and I am sure a spider named Herman claimed realistate inside it. Who am I to disturb Herman’s peace?
I now feel pretty strongly that if I am to learn the guitar it must be with someone who knows how to play the guitar and can show me. Step by step to painstakingly sit through practice with me, until I am able to make a decent sound out of the guitar. I know it makes music but I am not sure exactly how to get it to do that. I like to sing, I have always loved to sing ever since I saw “The Little Mermaid.” I remember thinking I need to be able to sing that is how one is to attract a partner in this world according to Disney. So I would sing all the time, I really loved how I felt when I sang it felt good, the thing was every time I sang my 3 brothers even my sister would chuck boots at me like a cat on the fence, “shouting shut up you suck.” But I never really cared that I sucked, I just liked how it made me feel so I kept singing and 10 years later my brothers heard me sing again and they said, ‘wow jess your sound pretty good now,’ to which I responded with, ‘ha ha take that, wahoo for constructive criticism. In truth I am just an ok singer, I like to mimic artists more then really be able to sing properly. I cannot really sing karaoke, I do not have the ear for melody rhythm or beat, just lyrics. All I hear when I listen to music is lyrics then the melody. I have a real vast memory when it comes to songs to. Actually just recently it was brought to my attention how much of a dork I am when it comes to songs especially musicals. Do not watch a musical with me if your not keen on me singing along with every song. I actually was not going to write about this, its kind of a tangent as this was supposed to be about the video did with my mom, but I will keep it anyway and also post my one video where I sing just to give you an idea. 

Diego is able to play one song on the guitar and it is a Beethoven song I forget which symphony it is, but its good one. It goes something like do do do do do. You know that one right? ☺ Oh heck one more tangent, Diego also sings he actually used to be in a rock band back when he was a young grasshopper. Now-a-days it’s very rare that Diego sings, but I have heard him singing once. His favorite music artists are Nick Cave, David Bowie, Queen, and Pink Floyd. He is like me where he can listen to the same song over and over again and not get sick of it. He also is very into lyrics and artists not caring about conforming to what is expected of them. I have gotten more into these artists as well thanks to him. I might as well talk about dancing to quickly since I am on a tangent role here. Diego does not dance, he did once when he was younger I have a picture to prove it. Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall at that time, to witness that sight. I love to dance but I have no rhythm, however that does not stop me from publicly dancing and singing I like to ham it up around people when it comes to this. When I dance, I dance to the beat in my head; I am unaware of the beat of the music playing outside of me. I also do some strange moves and strange faces when I dance and sing I am told to witness me in this mode is quite amusing. I am just like that with my writing singing dancing I just do my own thing I do not care what people think.
In this video (oh wow I’m back on track I followed the tangents and they lead me back to my point wahoo) my mom sings, and well she is not the best singer but its pretty funny to hear her sing just a little and right when she really gets going I was so relieved to have my camera conveniently run out of battery, it was actually perfect because we were losing natural light as well.
Anyway here is the link to the first video I did with my mom in Bali.

d)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 2/8 This video is more about the scenery of Bali. In all the time I have been here I have not really filmed what it really looks like here. My mom also films the rice fields and a flash flood that happened near her place in which her wall collapsed. There is also a little conversation at the end.
This is another video I did around this time on my own

e)-My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 3/8- In this video mom shows you the Balinese culture dance and music complete with masks stories from their religion. This was filmed with a dance school that comes to Bali to learn about their culture through dance and music. This music to me is super annoying as I had to hear them practicing near my place at odd hours of the day. I did not know what they were doing until my mom brought me to see what was going on there.
Anyway i thought it would be neat to share some of the culture with you guys here in Bali as i have not shared anything like this yet mainly because I’m not a fan its interesting to see once though and that’s it.

f) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 4/8
This is a funny video, my mom found this massage therapist that has all sorts of talents, even fire massage. He holds the fire in front of his hand for long periods of time with out burning himself somehow. We have Eo be the giunnie pig for this episode. This video shows my relationship with my mother how i like to tease her, the comments she makes and the dynamics with Eo.

g) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 5/8
In this video we go rafting and have all kinds of adventures. My mom is so scared at first and then really enjoys it. The scenery of the rafting in Bali is just breathtaking.
However on our way back from rafting we find ourselves stuck in a van with an obese Balinese driver who is farting constantly, and the windows do not work non of them roll down, so getting fresh air was futile. Eo and my mom were chocking trying to breath clawing at the windows, while I was laughing in the corner, many years of dutch ovens and gas chambers with my 3 brothers and being around Diego’s smell had made me immune to such odors and so I was thoroughly enjoying my mom and Eo’s discomfort; but then it become even more intolerable when our driver started to play Justin beeber, and he sang along to the song crying as if this music was moving to him. We asked many times to do something about the windows and change the music but he pretending like he did not understand English but I knew he did he just did not care he was having a moment.

h) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 6/8
This video starts with my mom showing us her favorite plants and her demonstrating some of her plant knowledge.
But most of the video is where I film my mom on a road trip in which the roads are very unstable and my mom is so nervous. This particular trip was a couple hours on the worst roads they were all broken and un-even. The car we rented for this trip was pretty much a piece of crap, the axel went, we had no fuel, and even some of the breaks were not working and on top of that he had my mom squawking like a paranoid hen in the back seat. You can also see Eo right besides her enjoying her franticness and yet some how Diego managed to get us there and back safe and sound. After that I took mom out to dinner where she shares her version of that road trip experience. Also i try to get my mom to give me and Eo a polish language speaking lesson which is also pretty funny because we manipulate the lesson into her teaching us my favorite toilet humor words and my mom tries to conceal how much she enjoys those words to because she is lady and ladies do not talk like that. Ya Right.
The last part of the video is of Joakim giving Nori a kick boxing lesson, you can see the budding romance starting even from there ☺ They are so adorable together, love watching Nori kicking in that long doll dress.

i) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 7/8
This video starts off with my mother and I scrap play fighting. She is extremely strong and is very rough and competitive in this game as we played It lots with all 5 of us kids growing up, and she pretty much always won. This match ends with me loosing because my mom played a bit too rough for me. The rest of the video we film around the town where we live. We visit the resorts of the pools we liked to sneak in on the most. Eo is very much amused by my mom’s comments of her constantly suffering. We are walking around and she is constantly repeating, “I am burning I am burning. “This is funny because her suffering is mostly in her head and over exaggerated.
At the end of the video my mom interviews our rabbit but it turns out I put that same video with her and the rabbit in part 8 as well so in the next paragraph I explain more about the back story behind it, and how it all came about.

J) My Momma Bear’s Cultural Adventures in Bali Part 8/8
I have a lot of things to share regarding this video this video starts off with a funny story from my mom. I will try to give you the back story for what your about to hear from her and I will also share my version.
So it was nearing the end of March and I was getting nervous about Diego’s birthday coming up and I wanted to do something special for him, to show him that I care. I was afraid of being a bad girlfriend if I did not get him something. Which is strange of me because I never cared to buy someone a gift before for someone’s birthday. Had I really known Diego at that time which was challenging to because my conditioning got in the way, I would have seen that I stressed for nothing because he really does not care about birthdays or gifts or me proving to him if I’m a good girlfriend or not. It really means nothing to him. So there I was stressing talking with my mom about Diego birthday coming up soon what should I get him? My mom said, “well he likes animals and since you do not know how long you will be in Bali how about you get him a pet?”
“ Yes, I said but not a dog or a cat as that is too much work and stress to leave behind.”
So after talking more about it we thought a rabbit would be the best choice for us. We then went to a local that knew Diego who is also an animal collector (so sad how he has this porcupine in a cage I wish I could free it 😦 ) I asked him if he could get a me a rabbit for Diego. I guess the local interpreted this, as the kind of rabbit I wanted was a Diego rabbit. Later that day when I got back home though I tried so hard to keep this secret form Diego, he picked it up in my mind right away and he said, “I do not want a rabbit or any pet.” (some may think it must be cool living with a mind reader, mostly I found it annoying and frustrating). But it was too late my mom was already plotting her own birthday gift for Diego.
I was at home when my mom kept calling me to come down so I decided to see what all the fuss was about and there in her hands were two baby chicks.
“They are a gift from me to Diego for his birthday,” she said.
“Ok, but what am I going to do with them mom?”
“I thought you could put them in the bathroom, it’s a safe place for them, I remember how Diego said he had a pet chicken before so I thought why not two this time, so they are not lonely and can communicate? Then she said, well I have to go now, take care,” and just like that disappeared leaving me with two baby chicks in my hand. I immediately went and put them in the bathroom I decided not to tell Diego I rather let him be surprised the next time he goes to the toilet and discovers two baby chicks watching him pee. I got very entertained at this idea in my head as I went up the stairs trying to clear my mind pretending like I did not know anything. “So Diego said, what did your mom want?”
“ Oh nothing, I said, she is just being mellow dramatic as usual.”
Yes he said she sure is, but she is mostly like that with everything.”
Oh my gosh I thought did I get away with this? Did I finally surprise Diego? No he suspected something but before he could pry me for more information there was a loud peep peep and cheep cheep sounds coming from the bathroom.
“What is that sound?” Diego said?
“Uh, I don’t know, I said, maybe some baby chicks got lost in the jungle and are calling their mom?”
“No, he said, it sounds like it is coming from our bathroom.”
“Uhh,” I stammered and with that he got up out of his chair to find out for himself and there in the bathroom the chicks were peeping soo loud. Who knew they could peep so loud and nonstop?
“This is why your mother came by? He concluded.
“ It’s a gift from her, I said, that is why I did not tell you I wanted it to be a surprise, surprise.”
“But no one asked me if I wanted these chicks they are going to make constant noise for me.”
“It’s a gift though, are you sure you do not want an animal for your birthday because I was going to get you a rabbit.” I blurted out.
“I do not want a rabbit as a gift. An animal is not a gift nor is it a decoration; it’s a living being.
I do not want these chicks either how come no one asked me? Where is your mother, please find her so she can give them back to who ever gave them to her. Oh and you have to make sure you give them to the right mother otherwise they will be abandoned and not be able to survive on their own.”
“I will see what I can do,” I said as I took both the chicks and ran off to find my mom. It took a bit but I was able to finally find her. I got her to take me where she found the chicks but she was hesitant to take me their because she had made such an effort in getting these chicks. She told me the guy she got them from did not speak any English and lived in a ply wood shack. Since he did not understand what she wanted she did charades with him and that is the first story my mom is telling about in this video. In which she says she wants a chicken and the guy has no idea, so she makes her arms like chicken wings, and flaps them around while making chicken noises. Then she wanted him to know that she wanted one boy and one girl. So she points to her crotch and draws out a penis and other actions and ya you get the idea. Anyway what ended up happening was I found the guy and mom was right he spoke no English. I tired to get him to tell me which hen these chicks came from. He had no clue what I wanted. So I also started to speak in charades to him making body gestures and sound effects. Then I got the idea to point to this hen or that one which one? “ya ya” he said, to every chicken, I bent down to check other potential chicken mothers and the baby chicks in my hand, ended up escaping, and I found myself crawling on the dirt floor of this guys shack trying to catch two chicks. As he kept on repeating the words “ya ya ya.” I turned around to see what he was doing only to find to my surprise that he had his hand in his pants he was clearly masturbating. I had rushed out of the house to find my mom that I did not think about what I was wearing, which was tight tiny yoga shorts and short amazon halter top that made my cleavage play peek-a-boo. I was so grossed out and shocked that I just ran away right at the time I saw the chicks running to their mother and the mother taking her babes into her feathers wings welcoming them back.
My mom was around the corner waiting for me and I was kind of mad at her for having me go to this perverts place on my own. Surely she could have helped me identity the mother, but no my mother was too embarrassed because she had made such a fuss in order to get him to give her those chicks; now she had to give them back, her pride could not handle this. And she had no idea he was going to spontaneously masturbate like that either.
After that fiasco I decided to stop by and let the other guy named Cadek, know that he no longer has to get a rabbit for us that Diego does not want one.
“Oh but we already got it,” he said.
“I’m sorry but your going to have to take it back.”
“ Its too late.” he said.
Fast forward about a week later just a day before Oggo Oggo and the day of silence holiday also known as Nyepi in Bali was about to take place.
I found myself walking by Cadek’s place again; I like to see what new interesting animals he has. I was with my mother we were walking around his yard when suddenly I saw on the table a black fluffy baby bunny laying down and right beside this baby bunny was a huge machete. I immediately got worried for the rabbit because I know before this holiday they sacrifice so many animals 2 of each species especially black animals. They also sacrifice one of each plants and trees for this stupid holiday. I was so worried for this little bunny that I immediately wanted to get it away, but I could not steal it, I had to ask. “
“Please, I said, can I burrow this rabbit for a bit I want to take it to show Diego?”
“Oh all right, they said, this is the rabbit we got for Diego, you see it looks just like Diego, you see all black?”
“Yes,” I said, I see.
“But you say Diego no wants now, so its ours, we gave it to our kids as a present.” “Yes, I said, I just want to burrow it, I will be right back.” (side note these are the same people that Diego used to live with that had that banana fiasco that I shared about earlier on in this blog.)
I brought the bunny home to show Diego. I did not hide it or anything from him this time. No more secrets and surprises I had learned my lesson, for that month at least. “Look Diego if you were a rabbit this is how you would look.”
He took the bunny into his arms and then brought her to garden giving her flowers, and dressing her in flowers on her head. He made these cute little flower hats for her and she would do what she could to get the flowers off and eat them. Diego then dressed her in fallen leaves as if Elves dressed her, but she shook them off and ate them to as if they were potato chips. We both fell for her pretty fast. We did not want to give her back, so we decided to ask if we could borrow her just until after the holidays and the family reluctantly agreed.

I should probably tell you guys more about this holiday. The first one Oggo oggo is all about monsters. Each village has to make their own monster to display in a parade and compete for the title of best monster. The winner of this competition gets their monster burnt in the temple of sacred fire, (what a prize).
The locals are very imaginative with these monsters, they go into great detail, some of the monsters have sound effects, others have lights, and steam, the female monsters have individual pieces of hair in their arm pits and crotch. I can imagine this must have been painstaking to make something with such detail. The monster that won that day was a giant warthog that had lights steam and sound effects, it also had this lovely metal but hole guard for what I do not know. And also its penise was done in great detail fully erect and some white rope at the tip to indicate ejaculation. Wow they thought of everything and eww.
Diego has some film of previous Oggo oggo days in his 7 hour documentary the Dormant awaken and there is video footage of this particular oggo oggo day in our short lived reality series that I will talk more about and share the link in the next blog. I remember my mom and Eo did not like Oggo oggo day that much, they thought it was weird.

The reason they have this holiday is because according to Balinese legend that on the island next to Bali, there is a monster that lives there, and for some mysterious reason that monster comes to Bali once a year. It’s always on the same day and just for one day, he walks around the whole island of Bali looking for people, and if he sees anyone its very bad luck. So the Balinese solution is to have a holiday to show their respect to the monster and the next day, the day that the monster is supposed to be in Bali, the locals all hide in their house and try to be as silent as possible; hence why this holiday is called the day of silence. All the stores are closed that day. Electricity is not aloud to be used, no noise, no music, no movies, no sex, no nothing. I have no idea what the locals actually do that day.
The locals take this holiday so seriously that even the airports are closed that day. You cannot fly into Bali during the day of silence, no way. There is great effort to make sure all tourists are informed about this day so as to make sure even they do not leave their house or make any noise. The locals have also gone to the trouble to build all their entrances of their house with a wall in front because according to them the monster can not turn right or left so the wall is there for him to crash into and turn around thus keeping the family safe. I imagine this monster to move around like ‘Pac-man’ or something. All of this is done so as to fool the monster to make it think that no one lives on this island that it is totally empty.
Now I know what your thinking, how do the locals make sure no one goes out that day? Good question, they have some pre selected special police who do this ceremony that they believe makes them invisible to the monster so they can walk around freely on the streets making sure no one is out that day, if anyone is seen outside by these invisible police then that person gets the blame for every bad thing that happens to Bali. In all this time which is 1000s of years no one has ever seen this monster but they are sure it is there and I am sure the police are glad to be invisible from it, but that also means to them that if they are invisible to the monster then the monster is invisible to them and this strange logic. (It’s the same idea they have for bathing in the ditch when they are there they believe to be invisible by everyone no one can see them yet I am not sure what they think when people stare at them as the go by.” This crazy thinking is the reason this holiday still continues on to inconvenience everyone to this day. It’s funny to think after so many years that this monster has never evolved to figure out how to turn right or left or even call the locals on the phone. I have to say however that I really like this day, because Bali is so noisy from 5am to 7pm its nice to have one day of serenity. I think it would be a good idea if every country in the world had a day of silence especially the western world countries. Here is some more information about this holiday.

My mom is a bit of rebel and actually tried to exit the house that day because she saw the officers and thought this day was a joke people were playing on her. To her if they can be outside she thoughts then so can I. However she did not get very far because she ended up going onto the main road and falling into a ditch and hurting herself; she tried calling for help but no one came so she helping herself out and hobbled back to her place.

After that holiday we had fallen in love with the rabbit and I decided that there is no way I would return this baby bunny. Diego understood and felt the same; he had changed his mind about having an animal friend. So I went to visit the owners with out the rabbit saying, “I do not want to give it back can I pay you for her?”
To which they reluctantly agreed but where before I would have had to pay $3 for her the price had now gone up to $7.

I had no idea that this bunny would be so unique. I would have many funny experiences with her that I will share for the next blog. Here is a video I made with Ghonjies or Ghonja-bahr which was the name we gave her, where I share some of the stories about her being a very unique rabbit.-

When my mom came over the day after the holidays I was eager to tell her the news and introduce her to Ghonjies, because I was getting tired of her constant reminder that I was getting older and should reconsider having kids with Diego. So I said, “here mom you wanted us to have kids and we instead got a rabbit, so say hello to your grandchild.”
At that time we did not know the rabbit was a girl. Nor was I around when my mom and Eo where spending time with the rabbit. Apparently like me my mother likes to interview animals and ask them nonsense questions. I am very used to doing this in a lot of my videos and in this video. There is also a part in this video that Eo films of my mom talking with the rabbit, its filmed like a Charlie Brown cartoon in which you can not see my moms head just her holding the baby rabbit asking it questions about its sex life. I did not edit out anything so you get to see this video totally raw and uncut if this does not give you an idea of my moms eccentricness I do not know what will, and no she is not acting she is really like this and will say things like this in public.
And the last part of the video she shares another story of a road trip we did in which the car is breaking down and she thought we were going to die.

k) Video I did with Eo after my mom Left
Another video that I did that I want to share is with Eo and I have a Funny conversation about my moms visit to Bali. This was done shortly after my mom left back to Canada. I did show this video to my mom but she really does not like that we expose her, she really rather hide in her old school ways. Oh that’s right I forgot mothers never fart. She has such an old fashion pride with this, not me though, I am more then proud to admit that I fart. My mom cannot understand how I can be ok to admit something like this and even be proud of it. After all its entire not lady like but I do not care, it’s very amusing to me as no one ever suspects me as a farter. (more about this fascinating topic and how Diego feels about this in another blog, I’m sure it will take up a whole chapter.)
I really enjoyed making and watching this video and I think you will to. Shortly after we made this video Eo left back to Australia the more I dismantled the more me and him drifted apart as he could no longer relate with me.


Chapter 22: Just Say No to Hope, Lest it Make You Into a Dope

For some reason near the end of my moms visit to Bali she became more determined to convince us that new age and religion was a good thing. But rather then having an intellectual conversation about this in which she could think about what she was saying. She would instead be stealth and sneak up to our house and randomly leave books for us. One book we found that mysteriously showed on our table one day was a book by Deepak Chopra/Cobra. The book was titled The 7 Laws to Spiritual Success. Diego opened this book up and immediately started pointing out and dissecting the book and all its absurdities of the content and the speaker.
“It’s all about hope, he said, and hope is a bloody drug that must be exposed for the violence and hebetude it creates.”
“I sensed this from you Diego but I could not put my finger on it. I felt you were trying to destroy hope and I did not know why. But now I can see what your getting at a bit. Its not an easy thing for a person to grasp since people have been so heavily conditioned to love and promote hope. They do not know that its like dope that makes a person into a dope that is being unable to think. We have to try to explain this to people. They need to understand this trap rather then having people judge you as evil or something for sharing something crucial and unpopular as this.”
“It’s been the story of my life, Diego said, I am used to it. I have tried to explain this so many times before though, but ok, I will try again.”
“Ok Diego elaborate more on hope so people can understand better so I can help articulate this to public as well.”

“So often hope works like quicksand: Diego began,
one hopes to get out of the swamp of suffering.
But the more he moves, the more he sinks down.
The problem inherent in hope is not really hope in itself.
The problem in hope is that so often there is hope, even desperate hope.
But there is no awareness of the process of thinking that activated that hope to begin with.
Hope comes from suffering, from psycho-existential pain, from despair and desolation, from depression and discomfort.
It doesn’t come from intelligence.
Can we be aware of that?
Can we be aware of this little detail, which is as well one of the very fulcrums of all mental disorder?
Can we?
By repeating it:
suffering cannot bring intelligence:
there can be an intelligent understanding of suffering when suffering is over and that’s a good thing.
But suffering, the very moment when it comes to the psyche doesn’t imply intelligence; it actually pushes it away.
So hope is the result of suffering and suffering does not bring about intelligent thinking. This actually means that hope, being the result of a non-intelligent thinking must be unintelligent as well.
Considering the magnitude of what I just reported, here’s comes the long history of humanity which has been merely the history of suffering manifested in so many useless and cruel forms and therefore: the history of hope as well that has been manifested through so many useless and futile stratagems. Whether: religiously, spiritually, ideologically, philosophically and so on. There are so many stratagems, the construct of which has been maybe pretty well articulated but petty in its very essence because it has been nothing but the result of a lack of intelligence perpetrated in the name of self and collective escapism.
So we invented: a heaven, the 72 virgins after death, the kundalini’s paradise and the nirvana, the valhalla, the divine, the sacredness and the enlightenment whatsoever and several ideologies, from illuminism to positivism, from marxism to capitalism but nothing ever worked.
We are the result of hope our life how it is today is the result of hope, politics and so on all came from hope and that is not a good thing, that is not progress.
Hope came from drugged intelligence and that’s the reason why we are simultaneously the most advanced intelligence in the planet and the most confused, stupid, messed up and cruel at the same time.
Paradoxically; hope brings about cruelty indeed because hope is merely distractive opium to our intelligence.
Here comes the big deal, and the big deal is to avoid all distraction, especially when the brain faces psycho-existential suffering.
Can the psyche wholly comprehend its own struggle avoiding the act of thinking about it through the opiate and conditioned fever of hope? Can we do that?
Because if a mind fully liberates itself from hopes, then such mind liberates itself from all distractions, from the procrastination of thinking from all illusion
and whatever the situation is, whatever the psychological suffering is the very exit of that suffering will manifest itself as the flowering of intelligence and not as the product of everlasting misty hopes.
And even when one is lucky and the hope one has been desiring so badly comes exactly as like one has expected then that person should be honest enough to admit to themselves that while maybe hope brought some more convenient circumstances of living in any case hope hasn’t dissolved psychological confusion.
Therefore very soon what’s luckiness today will transform itself into fear of losing it tomorrow therefore leading to: protectiveness, suspiciousness, inner tensions, latent anxiety and silent nervousness and that’s violent because it’s the germ of self-authority. What’s more important? Hope? Or intelligence liberated from all conditionings? You cannot have both, just one or the other, its up to you.
We must think about these things if we want to evolve psychologically.”

Often when Diego talks, it feels like he is not just talking to me but it is as if there are many people around. I cannot help but think oh more people have to hear him talk.
“I really think you’re on to something here Diego, but if I try to explain this on my own I do not think I will do a very good job. So how about we do a video about this so people can understand this and us better?”
In this video we also introduce together for the first time the EOF project of us working on it together. This is around the time where the project started to be conceived, and where I started to show an interest in wanting to be a part of this project, but I will get more into this in the next blog.
Hope VS Fear: Why Fear Always Defeats Hope & What You Can Do About It


Chapter 23: Diego’s Younger Years

The more I learned about Diego the more curious I became how he became the way he is. Did something happen to make him this way or was he always this way? When extraordinary people share their life story, they usually have an extraordinary life as well but if you ask Diego he will tell you, nothing special happened to him to make him how he is. His life and family was societies typical normal for lack of a better term. Diego may have had a normal typical upbringing but it was still extraordinary and very interesting because he being who he is makes it extremely interesting and unique it is definitely something worth sharing, and will be sharing a little portion of his life in chronological order for now on in my up coming blogs.
I remember how it first came up where he really got into his childhood in a way I could better grasp and put the pieces together.
I remember that night so well, it was early in when my mom was still here in Bali and Joakim and Nori to, we were all having a dinner, Diego had made his specialty, the only thing he knows how to cook which is pasta with black pepper cream cheese and tuna. He does not like help or anyone in the kitchen; he just likes to do his thing as quick as possible though eating and cooking to him is mostly an inconvenience. The pasta did not take long to make he served everyone and then himself last. Then he and my mom got into a conversation.
It did not take long before my mom started fluttering in her chair like an animated hen floundering to hold her own with such a sharp individual and my mom being an intellectual herself was giving it her all as usual, every time she talked with him, as if it was a competition.
Meanwhile as that was going on there was this a big fat blue gecko whose name was Gregory he was lurking right above my moms head hanging his butt off the ceiling dangling it back and forth so as to reach its target. Diego saw it first, he saw where I was looking and started smiling his knowing smile as we knew exactly what was going to happen next because just a few days ago that same gecko tried to do the same thing but Diego warned me right before it could aim and fire. Joakim and Nori then saw what I was laughing at and they both smiled, and none of us said anything to my poor mom who continued to squawk her beliefs, her opinions and what she had read. I know I could have warned her but I just could not resist this moment. The gecko then pooped on her and she was like, “what in the heck was that?” and she ran to the bathroom as the gecko got her right down her shirt. We all burst into laughter. When mom came back after washing and inspecting herself she continued her debate with Diego but this time she was constantly looking up to see if the mischievous gecko would return for a sequel for him to find other to purposely poo on every chance he can get. LOL.
I said, “do not worry mom here in Bali to have a gecko crap on you is considered a sign of good luck, you’re the chosen one.
“To which my mom whined, “really, I do not feel so lucky.”
About a half hour after that incident my mom was sharing one of her stories she stopped in the middle because she saw Diego with his shirt over his mouth, she thought this was strange so she said to him,
“I’m sorry, but Diego are you eating your shirt?”
Diego politely and softly responded saying, “yes sometimes I like so much the taste of it.”
“Really?” she asked?
“Yes, when I was a kid I used to eat my clothes and even my bed sheets. It really bothered my mother because she always had to replace them. Not just that I also would sweat sulpher and turn the sheets yellow or other times I would wake up and my bed had claw marks in them like some animal was scratching around.”
“Ah ha, I said, so that is why our sheets are yellow and have claw marks in them as if I’m sharing a bed with Wolverine from The X-men. Those slashes are huge, sometimes I wake up to find the bed sheets shredded on his side and I wonder what the heck happened here? One bed sheet had been totally destroyed by mysterious shredding and sulphur stains. To this day I still do not quit know when ever I ask him he just has a small knowing smile on his face and says nothing.
My mom seemed to ignore what was just said and continued on with her first question.
“But your clothes and bed sheets what a strange thing to eat, good grief, I can not even imagine, your poor mother. I mean I do not know what I would do if any of my kids did anything as strange as that?”
“Yes, she and in school the teachers got annoyed with me because I never had any pencils or pens to write with, because I always ate them.”
“Really, you ate led and ink to?” I asked.
“Yes, it was very tasty.”
“But what the heck Diego, how can you eat that? I mean I thought we were always told that that stuff was poisonous?”
“Meh, he said, it never seemed to bother me and never made me sick. I also ate two of my school textbooks.”
“Well, I said, it beats the old excuse my dog ate my homework, because this is no excuse, as I am sure your teacher saw you eating everything but could not get you to stop. But seriously did you really you eat the whole textbook even the cardboard?” “Yes, he said, but my favorite thing to eat in school was, oh they were so tasty, I don’t think they make them anymore, they used to have these blue erasers they were the best.”
“My goodness my mom said, you are sure a strange one, my daughter sure can pick them.”
“So Diego you were always a unique seahorse even when you were a kid eh? I wonder what it was like when you were a kid? I said and then Diego began to share more about his younger years.

Diego grew up in Venice Italy (though his background is Egyptian and Hungarian) in a house that had 40 rooms which was shared with other relatives but still it was not enough to fill all the rooms and so many sat empty. Diego never felt the need to explore the many rooms like most kids would feel inclined to do. He felt that having a house with so many rooms not being used as a total nonsense and utterly stupid. Yes even at such a young age Diego thought very much the same as how he does now. He really has not changed at all his passion and understanding is still the same. Even when it came to his first word, which is something, his parents told him about.
Now picture this a baby with spiked black hair, sunglasses, a little goatee under his mouth and a cigarette perhaps a glass of wine or can of bear in his hand. (Ok I am kidding here but it’s the only way I can imagine Diego as a little kid, though in truth he was blond haired as a baby then his hair went dark much later on. And he started to drink wine at the age of 2.) Anyway back to my visual, picture a baby Diego and a proud momma and papa that are excited for it is that moment where their baby will say his first word, everyone is silent waiting and then the words came but what he said was not expected by his parents at all in fact they were not sure they heard him right, but it did not matter little Diego repeated himself and he would repeat this his entire life to them. And the words were exactly this, “mother, father your stupid. Mother father why are you so stupid?” Little Diego was not being mean; he sincerely wanted to understand even at a young age why people were so stupid? Why did his parents fight so much? When I say fight I do not mean physical fight but argument fight, all the time over anything and everything such as the dishes or what ever, not a day went by with out a fight/argument and when their was not something to fight about they invented something. Diego asked his parents, “but what is the point of fighting/arguing how does that lead to understanding and real communication?” He was curious, he sincerely wanted to know, but every-time he asked his mom or dad why they were so stupid?
They seemed to have had no idea what to say in response to that.
If he asked, “why did they fight/argue all the time?”
His parents said, “You will understand when you’re older,” was all they said.
Well now he is older and he is still trying to understand. Or his parents would say, “We are doing it because we have to be responsible for you.
We are family and must stay together, and fighting is natural and what we do. We are making these scarifies for you, we do this because we love you and the family.” Diego always felt that its not normal to fight, it is not responsible at all, and nor did he ask his parents to sacrifice for him. Nor is it love, its really just an excuse his mother made to justify her life and the fights. “No this is not love or responsibility at all this is confusion. Diego would reply back. Doesn’t anyone care about why we are stupid and why we really fight?” And why did his parents always justify, excuse and defend their reason and need to fight? Why do we put fighting, or family or our ideas of love first rather then our own minds?
Little Diego pondered this to himself so many times. He also hated how right before his family were about to fight they would close all the windows because heaven forbid the neighbors would hear that they are not this perfect family they pretended to be after all. His family cared more what strangers thought of them then they cared about their own minds. Little Diego wanted to understand why people are so fake? Why do we nurture our fakeness, pretending to be ok when they are not, just so we can look good to others? His parents were not religious but in some ways they were because many of their petty beliefs stemmed from religion. If you ask Diego what he learned from his parents he would say, “nothing I only learned how to judge everyone and everything but I refused this kind of petty thinking.”

Even Diego’s older brother seemed to be caught in the families’ thoughtlessness so little Diego spent most of his time out in the garden. This he feels is what really saved him. He often says, “I was lucky because we had a huge garden and from there I could observe these strange animals commonly known as family constantly fighting in the house.”
Diego was outside in that garden all the time it did not matter what the weather was or the time of day. He would spend his time inventing his own toys, if was given new toys he would always take them apart dismantle them and make something new out of them, something more interesting to him, something unknown.
Diego also liked to play with fire his parents always told him not to do it because it’s bad but never explained why it was bad. They just expected him to follow and listen to them, to do as they said but Diego always rebelled towards any authority. Diego found out for himself why his parents were nervous about him playing with fire one day when he by accidently burnt his friend which was a tree in the garden. Why couldn’t his parents just inform him in that way rather then do not do this because we said so? How could they expect him to understand if their was no clear communication and how come his parents and older brother were so reluctant to think?
Diego never felt like they were his family, he felt more connected with the garden that felt more like family to him at least the plants, the animals and insects were not confused.
He also connected with his sister, whom was the family dog she was a boxer and rather then calling her by her name or treating her as a pet she was his sister to him, she was more a family member then the ones he lived in the house with. As the plants and his sister never fought about stupid things, just to fight-to-fight non-confusion became the things little Diego preferred to be with and craved the most.
He never even cared that his mother never even wanted him. Or that she tried to kill him by taking the morning after pill to which he says in dismay, “unfortunately it did not work and I was born. But I should not have been here, I’ m not supposed to be here; I was not supposed to be born.”
He could play for hours on his own totally captivated by his imagination and stories and games he invented. He did not really play with other kids, or watch T.V. and he never liked to read books as he felt they had lots of confusion and conditioning in them, instead he preferred the stories he came up with on his own. Diego never left the private world that we all had when we were kids, he refused to give it up like most do so to be loved, accepted and normal to his family and he never let their beliefs or ideals take away his serenity or make him into something he is not or would resent later. He was so content on his own; he could not understand this concept of loneliness. Loneliness is a hoax to him that only affected people caught up in conditioning.
He was very fascinated why people did not want to think, how come they do not even know how to think? Why do they only want to be told what to think? How could people give up their real treasures of their intelligence for such stupid beliefs? He pondered.

He remembers how his grandmother used to always say to him when she wanted him to stop doing something or to control him, again rather then explaining intelligently why he should stop she just said, “every-time your bad jesus cries.”
To which Diego would respond saying, “but grandma, I never met this jesus before. So why would he care what I do? I do not care what he does. Does he not have something better to do? If he cries, its his problem not mine. Surely he must be mentally ill and confused to cry over such a stupid reason as that, its also manipulation and control and thus I want nothing to do with another confused person or being, or god. Little Diego thought, if this is the logic that is used to control people then its seriously insane. How can people just believe this, accept this, even be paranoid go into fear with such existential illusory fears? And what kind of effect would this have on ones psyche? Surely thinking in this way for a long period of time would have disastrous results, on not just the mind, but the whole world, no creature would not be effected by such a confusion storm. If we make jesus more important then our mind, if we put him first then we will forever be caged in a limbo of idiotic psychotic authority. There can never be freedom by putting a jesus first, he realized to him this was clear so why couldn’t others see this?
He then could observe clearly how when people adopt a belief system that we are being psychologically suicidal as we let an accumulation of illusory thoughts and memories give us reason to commit suicide and to kill each other even go to war. Which is why so many go through with this, all because of a thought, a belief. How many people have died because of this? Even when it comes to suicide? What is it? Is it really suicide? What are its roots? It comes from adopting a belief system making it our identity this then sets a person into a psychological suicide in which we let an accumulation of illusory thoughts, ideas, beliefs give us reason to commit suicide and repress control even murder others. These findings were most shocking and disturbing to him.

Diego’s grandfather whom he would say was the closest with because he had a lot of fantasy and could tell such interesting stories and he was also a master of blasphemy, which Diego really enjoyed. He even converted his father to blasphemy, in which his father over heard little Diego saying, “god is a pig,” and his father overhead him and said, “Now Diego you should not say such things about god, its not good.”
To which little Diego responded with, “but why do you not think this god real or not has a sense of humor? If he is real and he created us hypothetically then how does it make sense that he gave us a sense of humor but he has none? Do you really think this god takes himself seriously or cares what we think of him? If he does then surely he must be a mentally ill and petty god. If he is such an advanced god as everyone claims, then he would not have a desire to be praised and worshiped as it very shallow and stupid. Indeed only stupid people have this desire to be praised and worshipped. What kind of god is he that he does not even care about his own mind or his children’s mind? That pretty sick and is the exact problem with parents today, they do not seem to care about our minds nor their own mind. And if he created everything even the pig, then if I say god is a pig, then I am not insulting him because everything he said to have created is perfect. That means the pig is perfect to thus its not an insult its only to our conditioned minds and fear of blasphemy that we think it is but we can now see how stupid this thought is.
And If god is not real then we are in psychological fear for nothing and fighting for nothing and so therefor we are free to say god is a pig all we like because then we invented this idea of god and it has made us into pigs that do not think, are greedy and nothing is ever enough, and so we suffer and struggle unnecessarily.”
Yes little Diego really said these things and did his best to get everyone to think, to get them to snap out of their conditioning, but he was always discouraged, always hearing from others, “ah what do you know your just a kid.”
Even his grandfather, though he had an amazing imagination it was only used for stories and nothing else, his grandfather never used his imagination like Diego knew it was there for. Its not their to make art or poetry, its a precise technology to unite all facets of the mind to build and link worlds. To get us to know and go beyond the visible the known, to help us to understand with out learning, its already all there after all, its not lost just buried under oceans of conditioning.
As he tried to get his grandfather to consider the possibility that their could be life in the sun something like fire whales maybe not in this realm but perhaps another one there are so many fields of life aside from carbon life. Why were people so reluctant to think of anything outside of what they were told, and that everything is about humans and the realms we only know of?

Diego always put his mind first, he was well aware of the damage beliefs, ideals and values would do, he observed all the traps of the mind until he knew them so well that peoples psychology was like clear glass to him. The more he understood the less limited he was, but yet more frustrated with people trying to get them to understand so as not to mess their life up.
But because he understood so much so early on it made people feel uncomfortable around him especially his mother. She simply did not know what to do with him. Diego does not have any hard feelings with his mom though they rarely talk; “its just there is nothing to say,” he says I tried talking with her many times. What is the point of talking and calling them family if there is no communication or understanding? Every-time he tried to talk with his mom or ask her a question she would just leave the room rather then think. She also always tried to control him with fear.
“Do not eat dirt, she said, or you will die.” Instantly little Diego picked up a huge handful of dirt put it in his mouth and ate it but he did not die. Another time she said, Do not eat the sand or you will die,” and again he immediately stuffed a handful of sand in his mouth, and he did not die. His mother would also take her anger out on him by destroying Diego’s favorite toys. Diego has a fondness to toys especially tiny toys but only in animal or monster form, he has a collection from his childhood that he takes with him wherever he goes and still plays with them.

Diego found his mother to be very petty and constantly wanting control and making fights about anything. This made being at home most unpleasant, his father was under a spell of his mother. So he rarely saw his father during his younger years because his dad was always working so as to appease his wife. To her, Diego’s father was a toy she could manipulate and make him do what ever she wanted, all the while being very cold to him and hopes kept making his father come back to the abuse and fight and psychological violence. All Diego learned from his mother was too judge look she said, “see that guy with tattoos he is most likely definitely a drug dealer or user” etc.
Today she is busy working on saving all her money though she is not poor, she has multiple properties, yet she acts like she is poor or can not spare a dime as she is saving every penny so she can build a huge memorial space for when she dies which to Diego is a total waste of money and absolutely ridiculous thing to do.
His mother never could buy him, and Diego never accepted any money from her.
Of course whenever he goes to visit her all she asks and wants to know is, “so what are you doing to make money? Couch-surfing what is that? Why would you want to host people for free rather then charging money?” It’s all she thinks and talks about which is totally boring and sickening to Diego.
She would also often ask little Diego pointless questions that he loathed such as “what do you want to be when you grow up?” This question bothered him a lot because it forced him to think in psychological time, which he knew was a trap, and also to think about an identity, which is also a trap. He saw how people always became their profession and when they were not longer able to their job how they used to they did not know who they were anymore and thus committed suicide. This question to him was like raping a child’s innocents. Why should he care what he is when he grows up? He will find out when he is grown up. Why can his mother not let him just play and let him be a kid? As he knew such questions takes a child out of their private world and into the fake insane limbo world that 98% of the population lives in. When he would say to his mom, “I just want to be me, or just think and observe, live my life with out an identity,” he would get back comments like, “oh your being arrogant.” So he would say instead just to make his mother leave him alone, “I want to be an inventor.” Then she said, “oh, what kind of an inventor?”
“I do not know we will see.”
Today I do see him as an inventor, an inventor of how to dismantle confusion and conditioning.

Diego’s older brother still lives at home with his mother. He is a momma’s boy, stuck under the spell of his mother. Although Diego’s brother is older then Diego, his brother looks to be much older then his actual age, his psychological stress has taken a tole on him.
He has also never been married, or has a romantic partner, and is doing a job he hates and lives in fear of leaving that job, as he does not know what he can do instead, so he says in his miserable job. He is also a germaphobe/hypercondriact like my ex boyfriend, such as washing their hands after touching anything. His brother is terrified of getting sick and constantly thinks that he is sick or has cancer or something so constantly (once every week) goes to the doctors only to find out he is always fine. Although Diego gets along fine with his brother there is still no understanding thinking or deep communication from him.

Diego prefers most his father from his immediate family, as his father became more liberated after his parents finally split up. His father rediscovered himself and did all the things he was not aloud to do before and has even managed to meet some nice woman, but none of them are really thinkers. His father is a simple kind of a funny man, who loves to talk fast and it’s mostly about random things that have nothing to do with anything. Diego cannot handle this for very long but makes an effort.

When Diego was about 6 he and his brothers were running around in a forest part of their yard that they do not usually go into, as it’s where his grandfathers brother lives. While Diego was running around he got cut on his leg from a piece of glass that was strategically placed in the yard to keep Diego’s grandfather away from his area. He did not consider that kids would be playing in that area, it seemed like the way the glass was set up, that it was there to purposely cause some serious harm. Diego had almost had his whole leg cut off from this glass, but he did not know he was hurt until he saw the blood coming through his pants; the blood dripped down and bubbling on the ground. (His blood is black and a kind of an acid, which is why no mosquitos will bite because they know if they do they will die its poisonous to them and all other diseases to though he is very interested in diseases and welcomes them in his body but is sad they can not live long with his blood, and I mean even the hard core diseases to, these do not phase him at all. Actually he has a strange way of dealing with illnesses but I will get into that in another blog.)
His mother made a huge fuss about his cut up leg saying, “oh my gosh he is going to lose his leg.” She just over reacting about the whole thing, trying to scare Diego into her paranoia, but Diego stayed calm and reserved about the whole thing. He did not even resent his grandfathers brother for hurting him in this way, like most people would. They would be angry or cautious and hold a grudge instead, Diego observed them both more closely. He watched how his grandfather and grandfathers brother fought over stupid things like a tree being on their side of the yard and making fences really high up then adding barb wire and booby traps. He thought are you kidding me? Am I really supposed to respect these people? Respect what their stupidity? Their authority title; do I really have to look forward to growing up to be like them?
No way would he ever let that happen. Diego never ever fought, he refused to fight and argue. He knew that the fights that happen at home nurture the fights and wars in the world; we drop psychological bombs first that lead to actual physical bombs in the world, all because of stupid illusory beliefs and imaginary psychological fears. All to protect their known and forever fight the unknown of life. Beliefs totally cripple the mind to think and see clearly what is going on, it makes a person only decode reality through fears no matter if they are good beliefs or not. Beliefs lead people in duality and to both inner and outer wars and violence, it never ever can equal understanding thus beliefs are the epitome of devolution, no mind or person can ever expect to evolve in this way.
I think everyone of us has fought and argued with people at one point or another in our life, we do it more then we like to admit. As much as we all hate fighting we seem to be addicted to it. No matter how we try to avoid it, or promise to ourselves never again. It always seems to come back and throw us into a mechanical non thinking state. Even when no one is around we make up excuses to fight with ourselves.
(I felt sick to my stomach thinking of all the fights and arguments I had with Diego, and how he never fed into any of it. His response was always him dumping a psychological cold bucket of water on my head, which is really unpleasant, though I can see why it must be done. But I had to admit it, I had to admit my patterns and how I, by fighting am contributing to the wars and insanity in the world. Yet the sickest part is that still even though we talked about this so much and I know this so well, still I find myself fighting, even to this very day, but at least its less and less. I can see its patterns better now and its also less intense like it was before, even not lasting as long as they were, before which is a relief but still not enough. I know I was not this much of a fighter before but my last relationship where I was constantly suppressed, manipulated and psychologically abused made me want to rebel and fight as much as I could, in hopes it would repel my ex from wanting to be with me, it just became a habit that I found came with me to my relationship with Diego.
I still had the virus in me, I’m still being violent and contributing to the wars to the world. I still have more dismantling to do. As it is clear there is still something I am missing, that I have not yet been able to understand, so as to dismantle this totally. Another thing that is shocking for me and the reason I share Diego’s younger years is to compare his childhood with mine and to make a point how so many say it depends on our childhood how much they are loved, so as to determine whether we will grow up to be less confused. I had a really nice childhood aside from the tragedies and poverty, my parents never fought/argued, they never drank or did any drugs and always had time for us. They never pushed their ideals on us either. However being in a family of 5 kids, all the siblings fought with each other, but not everyday and not like how it was for Diego growing up.
What I am getting at is it does not matter if we had a good family or not, we still get conditioned by family values which play a role on creating all kinds of havoc in our lives as we get older. Its not so much what we experienced or even if we had parents who loved us or not, its more so about how we perceived our experiences and family, were we able to be thinkers when we were kids or not? Do we let our past effect our minds to this day in a way that creates confusion and struggling or are we able to see more clearly because of what we experienced and observed when we were younger?
If we fight internal and with others then every time we do this we are contributing one drop to the immense tidal wave that builds up and crashes down on us leaving us in confusion of what the heck happened? Why did I fight again? Why can’t I stop it? The tidal waves are what make the wars in other countries, in other families and inside each of us, we are all responsible for the state of the world. Ideally it would be nice to stop the tidal waves and it is something we are working towards but in the mean time while living in this crazy world of constant conflict, strife and confusion it is suggested rather then try to fight or control the giant wave its best to learn how to surf it.)

-Not long after his first incident with his leg Diego endured another to that same leg in which a truck hit his knee and it became very sore and swollen again. After a month the pain finally went away and he was concerned that it would come back, he held onto these thoughts before he went to sleep which made his thoughts muddled as he was thinking it was the other leg, so when he woke up he found that is other knee was inflamed. But when he realized that was not his original wounded leg the inflammation and pain immediately disappeared. So Diego saw first hand how physical pain and psychological pain is linked to psychosomatics and psychological fear and confusion.

Another interesting thing that happened to Diego when he was very young was a dream he had in which he was playing with his lego and their in his toy chest appeared a lego jesus and he told Diego that he must believe in him. Now most people even kids would see this as a sign that jesus is real and that they must give their life to him. But even at such a young age Diego knew that the jesus frequency was permeated in the either all around him as this is what beliefs do they create an unconscious radio field that even intercepts people who do not believe in christ or whatever else belief, to think wow he came to me I need to convert. Its just one of the many belief radio stations in the either, he knew if enough people believed in teddy bears that a teddy bear would appear to people, and they would most likely make it into a god of some sort. Also he says dreams are not what they seem or how our conditioned mind interprets them, if people give to much merit to their dreams they will again be trapped by these ideas/ideals and thus another limbo.

Another time while Diego was in kindergarten playing legos he was building this huge structure. He was not sure what he was trying to make, so he just kept building waiting for it to come to him. Then this bully kid came by and just destroyed what he was creating. Then the bully looked at him waiting for his reaction waiting for him to cry. But he did not cry because this bully actually helped him to realize what he actually wanted to do. he said, “I did not want to build after all I wanted to dismantle and destroy all structures of psychological confusion architecture that we create. I was so happy about this realization. The bully did not expect this response at all and actually was the one who ended up crying.”

Diego’s first experience in school he was excited as the concept meant that they would help to explain to him all this confusion and why the world is so messed up, this is what he thought but was disappointed to find out that no one talked about confusion or was even willing to understand it. He was just expected to do as he was told repeat what the teachers wanted him to say. School was about learning not understanding, and being told what to think rather then how to think. At first the teachers told him that in school he would be able to explore his imagination, wow finally he thought school is now interesting. But he soon found this was very limited in which imagination was reduced to flimsy crafts that were not promoting intelligence at all in fact just the opposite, not just that it seemed designed to rape and kill the child’s imagination. He also surprisingly really did not like mathamatics as it was not real math, this math was fake and linear according to him. He also really did not like philosophy and gym. When he asked the teachers or tried to get them to think about what they were teaching. On how it did not make any sense, the teachers would either get upset with him or they would be intrigued. Some would even agree and say, “Yes but there is nothing we can do, as this how we are to teach. If we do not then we lose our jobs.” But most of the time none of the teachers bothers to understand what Diego was trying to say as they were already too heavily conditioned. Despite Diego being extremely frustrated and annoyed with how stupid school was he still was a pretty good student and passed everything easily.

You would think that a very unique kid like Diego would get picked on in school by bullies but he never was because he was just too strange for them to the point they were kind of nervous of him. (Diego said, “its kind of like how you jess told me when you used to work at the animation studio and you had to walk past these very dangerous areas. Where as when most walked through that area, they would get jumped by thugs. So you came up with a strategy to sing really loud off key and be more weird then the weird, so whenever the thugs saw you they immediately crossed the street to get away from you to avoid you at all costs. You represented the unknown and they did not want to go there, you were not projected fear so they were not interested to even consider you. Well that is why I never got picked on in school as well.”
He also had lots of friends, but they were mostly girls, he preferred the company of girls as they were more sensitive and perceptive then most boys, they were also better able to communicate and more willing to understand.

For the first 10 years of his life he had a very bad stuttering problem, people had to wait forever for him to say one sentence, most of the time people had no patience and would just walk away to which Diego would say, “I’m sorry lets try again.” He said it so perfectly and fluently to the point that people thought he was faking it, this was very frustrating to him. When he was a baby he also took a long time to speak, and when he did speak it was stuttering speech. It was not till the age of 12 that he had to do this presentation in front of the class and the teachers knew that he had a stuttering problem so they said, “you do not have to speak instead you can write your presentation on the chalk board.” but Diego said, “no, I want to speak,” and he did the whole presentation fluently sharing how the whole education family religion political systems were totally stupid. And after that Diego never stuttered again, he ended up shocking everyone in the room.
When he told me this I felt that Diego was faking his stuttering and he admitted to it yes again it was psychosomatic. But even more then that, as a young kid I would imagine him to be very frustrated especially with his family to the point in which he must have thought. What is the point of speaking if no one is willing to listen or understand? What’s the point of speaking just for the sake of speaking with out thinking before hand, fully and deeply? Its seemed to him that’s all people did, they just spoke not because they had something to say but just to say something. No one seemed to really listen, their minds were too busy in conditioning that all they could do was wait for the other person to stop speaking, so they could say what they wanted to say, its all very mechanical and empty. So he came up with a way to avoid speaking or having to get involved in his families silly quarrels. This was the same case in school, he saw how confused everyone was, even the kids. How quickly they became conditioned. So Diego did not see the point to speak to them either.
(It’s also interesting to note- how people like Einstein and others who are very intelligent have also been said to either have stuttering problems or not speak in their early years.) He did not want to be a speaker and focus on his speech like everyone else as that seemed to make people even more confused; instead he wanted to be a thinker. And that is what he did; he had ten years to be a thinker. To give full energy and attention to his mind and the relationship that was going on there. To the point that when he finally decided to speak these first crucial years of a child’s life had set him up to always be a thinker thus avoiding conditioning even when his grandparents brought him to church. He observed how kids would first pretend they were catholic then after a month of playing that pretend game, they lost themselves totally and were not able to stop pretending. They let the belief virus take them over fully and they became lost just like that. If you pretend for too long you get lost to the belief forever.
I will end this chapter with Orientation number one from book one which is available on our website for purchase, if anyone is interested. Since it is about Diego’s thinking when he was a child so its very fitting for this chapter and to give you a better idea of his thinking and how he came to his understanding that he now shares. There are also exercises for you to try and sets us up for the next blog.

There was a game I used to play when I was a kid. It was nothing special. It wasn’t even a real game, but more a trick of the eye and a trick of the mind. The trick was observing an area of grass from above. By relaxing my focus and by turning away my mind visually from the obvious, like blades of grass, I found it gave me a more panoramic, deep, penetrating and thorough vision of the whole scene beyond what I saw at first. Then, movements of other types of thin or flat grass beneath the main clumps of grass became clearly visible. After a while, a multitude of little bugs, insects, flies, ants and almost microscopic creatures became visible to my eyes and brain, just like what happens when you look through a stereogram or a magic eye picture where a three-dimensional image is hidden within a two-dimensional pattern. It’s only when your vision relaxes that you can see what is hidden.
There was another game I used to play. This one was a bit more intense and complex. This game had to be played before sleep, when I was under the covers and the light was turned off. This way, my body and mind joined while I was relaxing, and the passages, which lead us from one reality to, another began to blend into each other. When you are a kid the mind is fresh, and there aren’t so many struggles or conditions placed on the mind, which disturb peace and focus. When I found myself in this relaxed place I would fantasize by imagining a place I knew, like the door of a room, and from that place I would move beyond, letting my imagination flow spontaneously, creating architectures of new realities. It was just a kid’s imagination, someone might say. But, I do remember very well how my imagination would run wild, like a chained dog that had been set free to run around, satisfying its curiosity. My own imagination was spontaneously creating details, landscapes, objects, colors and shapes in an extremely realistic way and without any effort on the part of the brain. And all those projections and creations were totally unknown to me.
When the mind has a vision, something that is outside of its own realm of memory or experience, the mind isn’t able to recognize the difference between what it created and what is from the outside world. Meaning, the mind is not able to differentiate between what we perceive through our imagination and what is actual experience, such as empirical experience or a posteriori. This is the reason why sometimes we feel things in an etheric way, and this sensation manifests concrete and tangible feelings within our psyche. At the same time, our mind is not able to decode these feelings, but instead creates a limited intellectual translation of them or even no translation at all. The problem today is that as an adult the psyche is too busy constantly figuring out how to survive, too busy devising stratagems to follow, stratagems for facing the thing we call ‘life,’ which is mostly a heap of lies. The problem of today is we are too busy concocting and managing what we have been told to concoct and manage.
We have been told that life is hard; that reality is a competitive realm; that god is watching us just as police cameras do; that we should fear death; that responsibility and a life spent making money and building an identity are the same thing; that psychological protection is required to keep the mind stable in the illusory status quo; that imagination is a tool for people who are psychologically weak, fragile and trying to escape reality. We are also told imagination is just a quality that enables us to write down poetry, or paint, or compose music, or something to be used in our “free” time.
Our own understand of ourselves remains something even more mysterious than the knowledge of “god.” It’s true that we know more about ‘god’ and all his religious dogmas, than we know of ourselves. Understanding ourselves has even become something to fear, as we fear becoming mentally ill. Isn’t it true this is the life we are living today? The fact is our psyche has been programmed to think in a linear way meaning the past, present and future are the psychological geometry in which we walk and try not to stumble. And the tiles of the linear platform upon which we walk are all of our programmed conditions, whether religious, dogmatic, ethical, moral, rhetorical, social, ideological, etc… That’s the reason why people say you should walk on the “straight path,” right?
If we look at a business plan and how to achieve a good business strategy and marketing plan we have to create a kind of mind map which is a collection of interconnected ideas that make things more comprehensible. If we don’t have a plan we aren’t being efficient, right? The mind map is basically the game I was playing as a kid by observing the grass and all the movement around it. I did this all by using my imagination. But as adults the mind map has become a business plan aimed at making a thing, which is one of the major hallucinations of mankind, a collectively accepted thing called money.
In this way it is clear to see how we have lost the unconditional ability to think, see, decode and understand spontaneously through a mind map vision of the reality within and outside of our psyche. Our psyche has been corrupted, programmed and educated to think in and through ideas suggested by our very conditioning. The goal of this programming is to preserve a straight, stiff and linear mind (psycho) path. And because of this psycho-path we constantly need new drugs to condition the mind. These drugs include things such as dogmas, laws, religious practices, rules and moral guidelines. And the glue, the coagulant and asphalt of such a psychotic and pathological way of life is always fear.
The reason why scientists keep struggling to discover what consciousness is (consciousness is one of the top ten things scientists are still unable to explain) and why religious people simply follow ideas they cannot question is because while our intellectual memories are contained within our brain, our emotional memories live within the vibration of our DNA. This is the reason why cases have been reported where people who had heart or other transplants had memories that did not belong to them, but belonged to their donors. There exists codes within the DNA, vibrations that are directly connected with our perception and understanding, and this is an emotional psyche, which exists beyond the intellectual one. Those codes can only be awakened through our own imagination and perception. So, to avoid a future – which, unfortunately, is a direction in which many are traveling – where humans will become no more than artificial intelligences living within an intellectual nightmare of rules, mechanics of religion, and legislated spirituality, where humans no longer live as a spirit producing emotions and evolving psychologically, we must turn away from the so-called “straight path.” Now, more than ever, we must urgently turn away from this psycho-path we have been told to follow. We have to do that by a fully honest, profound and intense awakening and by realizing and observing all the conditions and fear with which we have been programmed. We must have the psyche, the emotional mind and the intellectual mind all unified, all coexisting and working together unconditionally towards liberation. It is time to take back our mind maps from the financial books and from the business plans and operate within our own understanding. We need a total eradication of all structures in order to see the poisonous bugs that are affecting our psychological freedom. Psychological freedom is the best and only natural existential insecticide we must use in order to clean up our minds from the prisons we have created for ourselves.

This concludes Bali blog part 4. In the next blog part 5 titled The Brith of the EOF Project for the months of May to Sept 2013. Now I can finally get into how this project came about which is also the same time as my dismantling and detoxing of my mind process really started to come into my awareness and take effect which would greatly altered my thinking even more so as all that I had been experiencing and hearing seeped more into my head. There are still so many more pieces of the puzzle to add and put together and see how they fit.
Also there will only be 2 or 3 more blogs for the Bali series. Then I will move onto The Canary Island series.

Links to photos at this time are here

And Diego’s youtube channel for those that are interested is here

Thank you for reading, if you liked this blog please share feel free to share it. Please feel free to leave a comment or send me a letter with your thoughts on my blogs, as feedback is very welcome. Donations are also very appreciated, as I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is to write something like this. Also coming soon audio versions of the Bali blog series.


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Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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