Bali Blog # 3 the events of my life for the months Oct Nov 2012 – What if Love is not the Final Destination? (unedited version if your interested in editing for me PM me. This blog is 12 chapters 70 pages) (This is a continuation blog for a better understanding on the content it’s suggested you read part 1 and 2 as well.) For the word document version PM me
Note- This is my most shocking blog yet, I almost toned it down so as to be more digestible but after sharing it with a few people and seeing their reaction even though yes they were extremely shocked they were also intrigued and willing to understand and inquire deeper so I decided to leave it as is. If its too shocking for you I suggest you read this in small doses or very slowly so as to digest and assimilate the how’s and why of dismantling time and space and what that looks like in all venues of our life even relationships. I am sharing this so that others can better get to know Diego and I, the behind the scenes of our private personal life. In this way I feel that perhaps people can better understand how and why I have changed so much and for others to also witness through me the events that happened that lead up to the birth of the EOF project. What exactly the EOF is and what we are wanting to accomplish and who feels called to be a part of it even if its not for the faint of heart.
As long as I can remember I always wanted to see a movie or story that was not cliché a story that had the balls and fantasy to think of something beyond good and evil and love stories all the time. I was restless I knew there was more beyond that. When I proposed this idea for others to think about. The response would always be “Oh such a story with out those elements would be boring.” (But it’s boring always doing the same thing to, and it greatly handicaps our imagination as well. It’s even suspicious to think we are not even allowed to think past those things with out others discouraging you.)
This is also how we see life with our unconscious addiction to drama we fear with out it life would be boring and we perceive/believe from the conflict and struggle with such dualities in us that after we come through it we have grown and lived more in some ways but that is a total fallacy. Which I will elaborate more about later as it’s a major factor of understanding the EOF project. The fact that we secretly love drama, conflict fear and fight and that we actually hate peace how we do what ever we can to destroy peace, starting right in our own psyche each and everyday of every moment of life. As soon as the movie is over we want more of the same story, same characters give us the sequel the prequel and the sagas. What more conflicts and drama superficial love stories can the psyche writers conceive of? So there I was always thinking about movies and stories beyond duality, beyond love, beyond that what is cliché. What they would be like or even look like, and lo and behold I ended up living a life of what I always wanted to see on screen, which is something different something unknown. Not just that my life has decided to get into the mechanics the nitti gritty of why there is duality and love clichés, and why we can not get past it; the paradox of it, such as not wanting the cliché life and love but wanting it at the same time. This is a pattern we must be aware of that lives inside us, which can make some serious havoc in our life, not to mention that fight and confusion that is brewed and fueled from within.
That being said, for that reason alone, I want to apologize for the end of the last blog Bali # 2. I ended it in a cliché way, I must confess I did that purposely as to make you guys think you know the story, and us, what we are about, and what will happen next. I wanted to pull the rug from under your feet like what Diego did with me. As at first it started like a cliché love story, but soon became anything but. I wanted you guys to experience it the same way I did. I want these blogs to feel like I am right there with you reading them to you or explaining you the whole events. I always liked that idea and thus it helps us to be even closer more intimate and especially even more so with ourselves to. Also I do not like segregation with genres stories like life must have all the elements all the genres not just one or the other its more honest that way not to mention it assists in breaking down the walls of how we do things and the freedom to do things as we rather, there must be freedom when we wright and share to me. So in hopes that when you write about your life your able to feel free enough to share as you want not what is expected of you.
The other thing I want to mention before we start is this illusive thing called love. I often wrote that I suspected that no one seems to know what it is we have ideas of how it is or what it is but not what it actually is and perhaps that is why we get so tripped up in life. So many ideas flutter about and when we think about it realistically we know its ridiculous but yet we still entertain those thoughts such as love being the final destination. That the story ends once we found our other half that it is our sum total and main purpose in life. Then when we find someone that we think fits our ideal we try to live a happily ever after. But life is not exactly like that but we still entertain these thoughts why? So many seem to get stuck in this box and are not able to inquire past this love concept. In this blog we will explore more on this via my own life story and all that transpired and why I have changed so much to get me into this frame of thinking and realizations I now share. I also get a kick out of people telling me they know someone like Diego cause I seriously doubt it. At some point when I figure out the best way to do it I do plan to make these blogs available on audio I will sit down and read them all out loud, for anyone who is interested. Also remember these blogs are continuations so to better understand its highly suggested to read the previous blogs as well.
This particular blog is all about what we think is the final destination is not that at all, some things we think are a final destination is love, death, god, success and enlightenment all of that will be dissected here.
Chapter: 1 The Evolution of my Dreams
It was nighttime in Bali. I was staring off in the night sky in all its lack of pigmentation and mystery of night to behold. The darkness represents the unknown. Watching such natural things such as the night sky in attentiveness triggers all kinds of thoughts my mind was wondering to all my secret dreams and my awareness of the Evolution of my dreams from then to now.
I am so surprised with the ideas of my dreams of things I think I wanted to do of what’s the most important and how much they have changed into something like a map and each idea is a place I have to stop at but is not the whole picture, its not the final destination, it can only been seen and understood with all the little dream stops puzzle pieces all together.
Diego came down stairs for a cigarette and asked me about my dreams and what I wanted the most out of life, what was most important to me. He wanted to also know if they were my own dreams or if they came from other influences such as society or families expectations, or from some spiritual ideal I may have read in a book. He was also intrigued to know about which emotions where behind these dreams if it was fear or desires, or striving for or feeling a drive to do something. Surly that does not come from fear or do they? “I’m pretty sure my dreams are pure and creative they do not come from fear at all,” I said.” Ok he said tell me them and lets see if your aware what’s behind them or not.”
-A) Mission & Purpose-
First I wanted to reach the masses of people not to be successful or have money or fame. The reason I never wanted those things is because I knew, most of the time selling out and being controlled even losing your original essence and freedom is the cost of having all those things. Even when I spoke to Diego about this he said pretty much the same thing so the confirmation was there. But as long as I can remember I always just wanted to inspire people to be a real example of consciousness with something like a reality series of profound realizations, witnessed first hand. I always felt if others witnessed the day in of a life of a consciously aware person and how they handled their challenges in a conscious way then it would work as a hundred monkey effect and people would awaken just by watching such a clear fresh example. When I brought that up with Diego he said, “What do you mean by conscious?
What is conscious exactly? Is that your idea or someone else’s?
What about the con in the word consciousness?” (This was something I really liked about him how he shared the same interest as me in dissected words inquiring on the origin of the word; which is the study known as etymology. That is what really sparked my poems that got me recognized as a speaker and helped me connect with the deeper part of myself.
Diego always reminded me of what originally sparked me that I seemed to have lost in the last few years or maybe I will say dimmed significantly which has been rather devastating to me.)
“Jess you said once that you wanted to create eco communities and places for people to live in peace off the grid and living off of the land connected with nature yet so many are striving for this and even when they get it for some reason it does not work people fight etc.”
“Ok I said I will think more about this as I do not want to spread confusion in reaching the masses anymore then I already have.”
“Yes Diego said, we need to really be aware of what we are doing and saying by thinking profoundly on that.”
“But I do see it Diego, I said, it just also makes me upset because I thought that was my mission so if its not that then what is it?”
Diego interjected with “Why care about having a mission in which you have fear that if you succeed then you will be asking yourself then what. Or living with the fear to fail and live with the drama of thinking of yourself as a failure. It really is a dammed if you do dammed if you don’t kind of thing. No one in nature cares about a mission or a purpose, no animals and no plants, they just do their thing and it works. They do not focus individually on themselves they focus collectively on helping their species to evolve by trial and error seeing what works and what does not. There is no guilt or blame or even self-destruction because an animal’s prey escaped. I have not seen one animals beat themselves up, if they fail like humans do to the point they question everything; and thus the human race even forget to begin.
This is one of the many reasons why most people have not even begun yet, why they are not even born yet.”
I could see what he was getting at; it made sense to me. “At least I said I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong even to the world, if I have to. I’m not afraid to make mistakes or to fail as much as others, besides when it comes down to it if we find out we did make a mistake and refuse to admit it publicly then we are doing even more of a disservice especially when life has presented us an opportunity to make it right again. If that’s what I have to do then I will no matter how much egg on my face that it may bring me. Its not about my reputation after all, but about damage prevention about being able to have myself first see the pot holes miles away and navigate myself around them so then I can help others to do the same.
Diego then asked me “Do you like having to always be a quick fix easy answer for people, to be there for them when their life falls apart and then pick them up only to watch them fall into the same pot-hole over and over again? How can the whole human race or we really think this is helping? What with people being so maniacal to sell their books techniques methods with out fully understanding the problem, instead it seems they are just obsessed on finding the next solution that will bring public acclaim and notoriety. Its so easy to preach forgiveness but forgiveness is a hoax cause it does not ever bring understanding, only more fear. No wonder the world is full of motivational and spiritual religious speakers yet where are we still in a mess, even after thousands of years we are still struggling is this natural? Is this evolution? Why are we more evolved with technology, we can send a rocket to the moon but yet we know nothing about our minds? Why doesn’t anyone ask these questions?”
I really wanted to understand what exactly we were missing. I mean if it all starts within and gets mirrored outside then knowing this is apparently not enough as we all hear this but still are unable to understand or apply it. If Diego understood this which it was apparent he did then I wanted to get to the bottom of this, no matter what. I told him I was willing to do what ever it takes to understand, please do not go easy on me do what ever it takes to get me to comprehend and apply. Again I had no idea what I was signing myself up for I thought it would be like a weeks teaching LOL. Our mission and purpose is to actually dismantle our mission purpose and to dismantle time itself, as it is another hoax and time is actually fear as well.
Ok so that was one dream that had totally changed.
-B) Romantic Partner & Having Kids-
Then there is the dream to have a family of my own. I have always struggled with this concept though, this part of me wanting to stay single my whole life, as I am more happy single on my own, but then again I never had many relationships to begin with, just one short, intense, long distance relationship, and a 3 years mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I have never been on keen on the whole marriage or soul mate idea either. But its no surprise with such experiences on our life resume that we get to thinking that perhaps a relationship is not for us. Yet the world says what’s wrong with you conform you must find your other half and have a family pro-create. Then of course all the fears spill out but are we ready? Is it wise to have children in such a messed up world? To Diego this planet is a mental institution just pure insanity everywhere you look. I disagreed at first but in time I started to see the same. To him it’s irresponsible to have kids in this world. “But what about the ones who already had kids?” I asked? “It would be more challenging for people to have the kids now a days and expect them not to grow up struggling or confused in one way or another. It just extra challenging for people that have kids but it’s not impossible it can be done. Though we can not think we own our kids cause we do not, we have to be detached from them otherwise we will never understand they have their own mind and life and the system can be stronger from a parents influence. It is not a good idea to push or force our ideals on our kids either; it must happen naturally and be sincere on the child’s part to be able to keep their genuine curiosity and clarity of psychological freedom. The parents can only be a solid example first and for-most or the kid would mirror the parent’s contradictions and then things would get very unpleasant.”
Well that’s definitely not something I want as I have seen it happen so many times. Nor should we have kids because others think we should. I have always been nervous of this one. So there I existed in this crack in the in-between of should find a partner settle down and be a baby cannon or stay stubborn and single and keep my freedom? Why do you always associate being single with being free is their a way to be free with either or? And are we really free when we are single? Internally no.
When I brought this up to Diego because at that time I had a strong desire to be a mother. I mean I have always wanted to be a mother but always felt to nervous to actually let it happen. Was it for selfish reasons to want to have kids just for the experience it? To experience a life growing in the belly, birth and seeing their little face for the first time and then watching them grow. I wanted 5 at that time, and I was thinking about what it would be like to have a couple little Diego’s running around.
Diego then brought up how in thinking about our family and making them so important we neglect the human race and thus become inattentive and not very responsible which then leads to all kinds of problems. I never thought of it that way. Most of us feel we need to do what we can to be close to our family but Diego says we make the picture and the desire to be close to our family more important then our family itself and that is why no matter how hard we try to be close with the family just the opposite happens because they actually want their fear over their family itself.
I decided to ask the question to Diego to see what he thought about on the idea of him ever wanting to have kids? Diego’s response really took me off guard which is what happened every-time he opened his mouth.
“I will never have kids he said, it does not interest me. I only want to ‘get out’ and I will not let anything distract me from doing that.”
But if you did have a kid I asked would you leave him and the mother behind when it was time for you ‘to get out’?”
“ Of course not I would find a way to bring them all but I rather not even put myself in that position besides I know my body and most girls bodies I am intimate with and if I do not want it to happen it will not happen, with out any help from contraception.”
“I see I said but what about me, I would like to have kids and this ‘getting out’ you speak of does intrigue me as well.”
He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “You can not have kids.”
“ What…? What do you mean I stammered?” (I have given up asking him how he knows as it would always result in him either saying, classified, or I just know or public domain meaning some perceptive psyche internet)
“You just can’t even if you wanted to, even if you tried really hard you can’t.”
“Why not? I asked in pouting manor. If I want to I can will it. I know how to make things happen when I need to. I helped someone else to have a kid when everyone else said they cannot, even the doctors. So surly, I can do the same with myself.
I proceeded to tell him a story in brief of when I was interning at an animation studio I was 23 it was just before my interview with Project Camelot. I was just an intern and the first day I had a strange connection to my boss (a big producer,) that I did not understand. I would watch him a lot trying to figure it out since I did not know what this was exactly and what was really going on. Everyone assumed it was just a silly crush, even me.
Until I found out he was trying to conceive with his wife and it was not working for him. That’s it, I thought I am drawn to him cause I can help him with this, and also I rather him see me as a mystic then a silly clueless girl that had a crush on him. I went to his office and told him this and it freaked him out that I would talk about such personal matters like that. I had no tact at that time, actually I still don’t. I did not even know get this thing called tact. I just always said and wrote what was on my mind. Anyway me telling him this did not help and only made me into a freak to him and to everyone else.
I thought surly if I told him he would believe me, that if I said it would happen then it would happen. I would will it to be so, but alas it was not enough.
So then I decided to play on the power of collective beliefs since my mystic abilities seemed to have had no clout there. That was so strange to me, because in my evenings I spent giving small talks and had so many hanging on my words blown away by what I shared. But at the animation studio I was a silly whimsical blond chick. So my words alone are not strong enough but in the evenings I had people who believed in me, it was easier for me to make things happen. So at the animation studio I decided to just tell everyone that I know he was going to have a baby just watch and see. This would then plant the idea and visuals in peoples heads their beliefs would help collectivity bring it about, I just had to make them see it and think it was actually going to happen.
After that more intuitive abilities kept coming through for me such as hearing peoples thoughts which started to freak everyone out they could not understand how I could know so much about them with out them. Needless to say it got really awkward for me, so when I finishing up my internship I did not go back there and instead went into Private Investigation which I shared about in an older blog. Though when word got out I was now a PI everyone freaked out saying that’s how she knew about our private life she is not a mystic she is a spy, I guess its more believable then a mystic. (I was a decoy/bait busting men that were cheating on their spouses it was an interesting job but a bit too fast pace too much like the movies for me what with all the car chases while staying in blind spots so our objective had no idea they were being followed not to mention all the disguises, 007 suitcase camera microphone and stake outs. I did not like the aspect of rubbing peoples noses in their own dirt. I actually only did this job cause my partner was also a relationship coach, once it came to light they were cheaters we brought the two of them together again and showed them how they went from being a heart case to a head case and how they mend their relationship again. In some ways we were working ourselves out of business.)
My friends were like wow only you jess can take an internship job and wind up having everyone think you’re a spy, spying on them. (Though I never did spy on anyone at the animation studio. But a mystic spy has an interesting ring to it. (Interesting thing that I bring up spy at this time it reminds me of something else I want to mention in a future blog mental note remember that.)) As it turned out when I went to visit the few friends I made at that animation studio my old boss was there and he pulled me aside and said to me privately “I just wanted to let you know we are pregnant. You were right about the time span, and what was the difficulty of why it was not happening, and about the other miscarriage’s and even the sex of the child.” He seemed to still be in shock but felt after all the anguish I went through at the studio that I ought to know. He did not say anymore as he did not know what to say as I’m sure he saw me as some kind of alien nor did I know what to think or say either; this awkwardness of me playing with my abilities like that, to make things happen just to see if I can. Despite so many other mystics saying do not interfere. I wanted to help so badly and give him his hearts desire I did not care, and yes I did want him to see me differently but more I wanted to know that such things are possible. I wanted him to see something about himself what he thought and what is possible in the world and that it was not a crush at all, but how easy it is to think of it that way; when our minds are so limited as to what the unconscious knows.
So getting back to Diego as I finished my story I responded to him saying,
“So yes I know about beliefs and how they could be played with, how to make them stronger and even have more tangibility on how to make the unreal real flipping through the time lines to find the ideal one we want. I could understand what he was saying about beliefs and how dangerous they were when we force and push them just because we want something for ourselves or for others. I mean look at all the violence that comes from it and desire the need to prove things. I know that’s another reason why I did what I did at the animation studio and it was not right and what I did actually ended up not really help him, not at the root it turned out to be a quick fix for them, but regardless I learned if I really want to do something I can.”
Diego listened and observed me in a focused way, he did not seem to be moved by what I said it did not impress him or anything instead he responded with, “How can you have a baby when you are already pregnant?”
“ What do you mean?” I asked slightly trembling?
“You yourself know how your stomach has been your whole life. You’re the most sensitive their especially during your moon time (he had no problem talking about menstrual things with me or with any woman. There was nothing Diego would not talk about; there was no shyness of beating around the bush from him or anything like that.) You feel and experience the whole world through your stomach while most do this with their head. You digest everyone and everything, your all about gut instinct. Your stomach is loud and has lots to say, you eat a lot but do not gain weight. You have been pregnant for a long time longer then this biological life of yours and your now looming in on your due date. Your pregnant with a galaxy, you carry a galaxy in your stomach and I am not talking poetry or metaphorically either. So go ahead and try as much as you want you can not have a baby.”
“Never I said really?”
“ No, not never you can later after you dismantled perhaps but by then I doubt you will want to have one. And there is no time to have one anyway, there are much more important things to focus on.”
“ You mean I will lose my desire and even my biological clock will hush its incessant protests of when I will be able to hang a Realistate sign over my womb in which my spirit can serenade a baby soul to rent my womb for 9 months?” (Sure enough he was right here I am a year later writing this and I have totally lost the desire in being a mother many who are close to me are shocked by this. Most of us want to have kids cause we think we should or cause of fear or to address the symptoms rather then the root.) Perhaps he continued on when you ‘get out’ you may be inclined to have kids maybe but by then you will find there are a heck of lot more options then heaven, hell, enlightenment ascension and everything in between.”
“Alright I said let me share with you about another dream I have.”
-C) Bend Reality Defy Death-
“Alright I said taking a big breath in, this is a kind of out there dream, but you’re a kind of out there kind of a guy, so I think I can share this one with you.
Ok so here it is, I have always wanted to crack the death code, so I could see my father and sister again that both died. My dad said I would assist with helping to bring this about one day, in the future all that have died, people would be able to connect with them with out they themselves having to die; to be with them again a bridge will be created; losing loved ones will be my motivation.”
In some ways Diego reminded me of my father with the things he told me and I missed him very much. Sometimes I can see my dad twinkling out of Diego’s eyes, which is just more confirmation that I am on the right track. I continued on as I bit down on my lip and spoke in a light muffle, but he was still able to hear me.
“At one time I felt lots of guilt when he died and thus I surrendered my whole life all things metaphysical and his messages for the world. I wanted to make it up to him and myself to be able to be ok with myself once again.”
(At first I thought I could do it by creating a conscious theme park J though I still think it would be cool to do and see something like that I mean can you imagine? To set up something where people who have no abilities could experience what its like, to set up a virtual program to see yourself connected to everything, so people who have forgotten this connection can understand and remember once more?)
After hearing all this Diego then asked me to focus on one of my dreams of what I wanted to do first and I choose to be able to see my dad and sister again. He lit a cigarette and said, “it is possible to do that right now you know that is if you truly want to.”
“Yes, I know it is possible to do it but how exactly I do not know.”
At that tears streamed down my face at the frustration of being in such a limiting form knowing there is so much your capable of doing and knowing but its just not coming to you, and despite what you know your still stuck somehow.
I told Diego how, “Every time I watch my memories I mostly tear up.
Why do I torture myself by thinking I can do impossible things?
Why do make things harder for myself and put myself on the spot in this way, making impossible promises to myself, which then puts me on a pedestal to others I can not help this chain reaction of events.
Oh listen to me I must sound crazy, I have to accept that they are dead and never coming back and get on with my life, not tell others to hold onto such whimsical things. “
“No Diego said. They are not dead. There is no such thing as death. I said you can see them not as an apparition but in the physical.”
Then the tears really starting to pour from my eyes; I could not stop the tears had some secret destination, to run so fast, to where I do not know; most likely to impregnate some ethereal garden as the liquid in the tears are the same liquid in the womb of pregnant woman.
“Please Diego Stop. Do not tease me like this with such false hope. I’m not an idiot. I know that my sister’s body got mangled in the car accident. I know that my dad was cremated he has no body now. I even recall us being so poor that we could not even afford a proper urn to put his body into. No instead we were given a cheap, crappy, paper, thin, cardboard box. It was taped only in some parts, but it was a half job of tapping, as if someone did not care as they were tapping the box up; so my dad’s ashes spilled out on me, in my lap, as we were driving home from the cremation place; I even say bits of his bones…
More tears gushed out of me.
Why is it Diego that memories can be so cruel? How can reality is so cruel?”
To which Diego promptly responded with,
“Its not neither the memory nor reality as much as it is your relationship with both. Its all relationships he said. And what about your relationship with your thoughts and your emotions? Are they not your first family? And what about the trees, nature are our family? The fact that we live in a world that still has pockets of untouched nature is evidence that some non-deformed thoughts are still alive inside us, as like symbol of the last ruins of our intelligence.
If you understand this then you understand reality then you can understand how to bend it should you need to, but only if you really need to.
Not to just do it because you want to, or to prove it to yourself or to others as it will never ever work that way. Of course the military plays with this and in some ways it works for them but it creates a mess of epic psychological proportions and its totally irresponsible. It’s also the case with all these new age practices to activate the pineal gland DNA this and that. It is beyond dangerous and when people are actually able to do this their mind collapse shortly after so anyone claiming to do such is faking it cause they have no idea what they are saying and what this really means.
It’s either romantic to a person or its identity driven or its just entertainment, party tricks or worst of all motivated by escape distraction and fear. So if you have a reason to bend reality that does not fit the above mentioned hidden motivations, and if you want to see your dad and sister then go and do it.”
“But… but… how? I stammered… How is it even possible?”
“Its not enough to believe there is no death Diego said… Trust no one who gives you a belief system. They are always lies hence the word lie in the word belief itself. It will always be a trap of duality and the opposite will come into existence and then it creates a psychological mess.
So no beliefs, knowing is better because you always knew, there is no learning, but beliefs and hope always gets in the way interferes distracts and dilutes everything. But knowing how to do this is only one thing to and is not enough as the mind is still at risk of collapsing. Beliefs even get in the way when we die and often ends up sending us into another time line limbo never ending story. What people experience in an NDE quickly becomes contaminated by their beliefs and thus they end up becoming more conditioned when they could have used it to see past that old meat ball. (more on this late.)
In this reality you perceive and think of mostly comes from your past mnemonic memories in which your dad and sister passed away. But in another reality time line that did not happen, you can see them in that way in the physical form in another time line where those things did not happen. But its not suggested you tell them that its you from another time line as it could cause their minds to be effected in an unpleasant way. We only think and relate through one time line not all of them it’s a curious thing.”
“ OK,” I said listening carefully and trying to digest and feel beyond the words.
“There is one more thing he said, you will need and that is the coordinate where exactly you need to go, where exactly your sister is for this particular time line that is selected she is living in Thailand she has a daughter, and your dad is in Mexico with your missing brother. But these are not the coordinates I’m talking about you can not just go to those physical places and expect to see them there, you need the exact time line coordinates. Since it’s so important to you, to see them, I took the liberty of finding the coordinate for you. Oh come on jess its not so hard to understand just think of the TV show Fringe its exactly like that. Death is a hoax there are so many alternate versions to our life story, there is so much going on behind the scenes if we can only get past our distractions and petty illusory dramas, such as death for an example.”
“But how does that work exactly?” I asked in total awestruck.
“Well he said, it no different then going through your computer to find out where the firewalls are and having the software to penetrate that. We invented computers, and our minds runs the exact same as a computer, thus we can work with our mind, the same exact way, we work with a computer, if we know how to… Most do not know of all the functions on their computer nor do they use a majority of its potential it’s the same with our mind, humans are just too lazy they just want to know the basics and that’s it. Also we need the password but most have forgotten the password and all our other previous hard drives all the backups we made.”
“ Yes, I said that’s exactly it! IF we know how.” I said as he was making it sound so easy and I was feeling so inferior. I mean I knew what he was saying was true. I always suspected so and even wrote about it and played around with it a bit, but not in the way he did, not to the depth he did. No I was too busy trying to explain to the masses about this, while in the mean time my personal life was becoming a total mess. Funny how when you want something for so long something beyond your wildest dreams and one day you wake up to find that it has come true and your thoughts are not what you think they would be. It’s as if our mind changes when we get what we want realizing it was a cover for something else.
There I was given the coordinates, I could go and see my departed loved ones and I was not excited about it because I was instead thinking about the internal mess my life was.
What’s more important I asked myself, being able to bend reality or understand my mind so as to have a more peaceful internal existence to understand things more in totality? The abilities and desire to do them seemed to be a distraction we keep looking at rather then what is really important. Abilities are not important at all. I realized that this is what is in our way, they should not be what motivates us to understand. Nor should not force ourselves to develop our abilities by what ever practice master or workshop. It should just come naturally like how nature functions.
So there I was looking at the coordinates and thinking about seeing my loved ones I started to think why I really wanted to go and then I see them and what do I say? ‘I love you’ and I’m sorry’, ‘please forgive me cause I can not forgive myself’ or something cliché like that as if they did not know that already, as if I did not know that already, so why was that so important? Would that really fix anything or was just another damn placebo effect?
Then what? I asked myself, chat with them, try to mend my guilt, but surely then I will find some other guilt to attack myself for, as we always do, so as to make a justification to another half cocked mission/purpose. No matter how things happen in life we always find something to blame ourselves for or cultivate guilt, even if its not our fault we somehow make it our fault as we are so attached to our identity and some drama to go with it. Oh crap I could see the pattern so clearly.
Then what? I continued asking myself playing out the whole scenario in my mind. I go home tell my mom it would upset her for sure, to bring up such painful things up pick the scab of an old wound and pour salt on it.
Then how could I go back to doing what I was doing, or living with my family, knowing what I know, experiencing what I did? Could I grow in such an environment in which we did what the world expected of us so to not be at war with ourselves but some how that only brought about more internal conflict another catch 22? I make an internal Doh…
Why do I care? What am I trying to do? What am I trying to prove anyway?
I kept thinking about what was behind my motivations and peeling back the layers and it struck some chord in me that made me stand up and say to Diego.
“Thanks, but no thanks, for the coordinates. I don’t think I will go after all, I no/know longer see the need or the desire, as I realize it will not fix anything.”
Diego turned around he had his back to me as he was staking empty cigarette packs to his castle and turned around with those gentle but laser like precision look in his eyes, he was looking at me as if he had heard my internal dialog, and said.
“But can you go even deeper then that?
Come on be honest with yourself, why do you want to defy death?
I will tell you why, its most likely because you yourself and the human race is afraid of death which is the ultimate unknown, no animal fears death because they do not know about it they just fear danger. But our fear of death prevents us to live our life. It gets us caught up in things that distract us from really understanding always chasing such goals, which is also a maximum form of ego, thinking they are so special because of their god, that they somehow get to be exempt from natures natural course of evolution. Death is natures natural way of evolution and collective understanding there is no I or identity in nature everything that is done is not to benefit ones self but each species race and its not a competition. Can’t you see that Jess? Humans think they are so important, even the invention of god is an example of major ego with the human race not to mention the new age the shift teaches that it is only for humans not the animals or plants or other beings. This is still such a flat Earth kind of thinking, and if you try to get people to look through the telescope to see its not flat at all. Then they fight you and say your evil rather then looking in the telescope this happens in so many of my Facebook posts. My posts are like a telescope, that challenges peoples flat earth beliefs.
Lets dissect these beliefs here for a moment. Most people believe, the planet was given to the people by god, therefore people are more important. Animal’s plants and other beings are even thought of to have no souls and thus we can destroy the planet as much as we want with this concept. Then we are told to meditate when there are no more trees chanting ‘its all love.’ ‘Love is truth and truth is love.’ So here the people are harboring such secret goals, its in their blood, their genes, their DNA, its in the ether to and these primitive conscious and unconscious beliefs are actually scamming people, (scamming all life) and leading up to a future I just alluded to, not to mention our personal lives along the way. And why? It is all because of fear, but not the natural fear of danger like an animal has. No our fear is the unknown which leads to the desire to make the unknown known logical and manipulateable always structured from the intellect and not our perception and sensitivity. All because we think we are entitled to our misty hope rather then being honest with ourselves to see that it’s all fear behind everything that we do and think. So many ask me but why do you want to talk about fear its so boring? But I’m sorry; I cannot see anything else more important to talk about when everyone I see is clearly saturated and marinating in their own preconceived and collective conditioning of existential fears.
So he said answer my question are you a lightworker or think yourself a starseed for the reasons I listed above?” When I thought more about it I realized it was because of fear and ego, of humans being special and entitled. I could see a bit more clearly what that thinking has gotten the human race in the long run which is basically running to stand still. I had to admit to myself and to him I was indeed actually very afraid of death I did not like it I did not want to understand it I wanted to control it change it make it not be that way. It was clearly just another fear reason behind doing what I was doing. It was so much easier and pleasant to delude myself that we humans are all-special and can do such things which is going against nature; and thus not being natural, but something artificial and fake.”
Often when Diego talks I can feel just awful with myself; it makes me sick to my stomach, what he reveals in a very painful and sobering way sometimes. My stomach cringes and I feel like I want to vomit as in those moments, which are becoming more constant, I can not stomach myself or even being associated with the human race. What with how I and we have been living for so long and all the ways we try to justify it. In those moments I did not want to live to be there to face such responsibility, its too much which is what Diego has heard his whole life by almost everyone he met. They tell him its too much for them and they leave or stop going forward too overwhelmed and too afraid. Such responsibility is indeed a scary thing I can certainly vouch for that. I did not want to be that way but I did not know how to face something so immense and humiliating to me especially with all my spiritual messages and what my identity was shaped from. At that moment I can remember thinking I did not want to live in this world.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed to be human, (starseeds and lightworkers always want to avoid their responsibility of being human saying I am not from here I am not responsible for this mess I will ascend from this world but I will help here and there by making some posts on conspiracy and talk about rhetoric motivation love and light speeches.)
Diego knew what I was thinking he knew I wanted to die right then and there. I was thinking about suicide. Yet I could not help but say to him. “
You want to help people with depression Diego, but right now I feel pretty damn depressed talking to you about all this.”
“I know, depression is part of the process he said. It’s not so easy for us. Oh and by the way just for your FYI you can’t kill yourself. You like I do not have that luxury.
And if you do not believe me go ahead and try to kill yourself right now go and see what happens. However you will have to live with the consequences of injuring your fragile human form. Of course that was not appealing to me I am a real wuss when it comes to physical pain. You and the human race cannot get out of your responsibility that easy if death solved anything then why is the world more of a mess then ever before?”
“ It’s just like that movie ‘Groundhog Day’ isn’t it I asked as I could see it so clearly?” “Exactly he said, you have no idea how many times you died, fortunately for you and most humans they are not aloud to remember such and so many strive and pay to be able to do this but they have no idea how challenging it is to live with all those memories when they can not even manage their own life. Because they do not remember they do not think they are responsible, but even if they did remember they would not be able to handle it not even a small portion of the collectives memories of history.”
“ Wait, hold on a minute I said, so you can remember all the times you died and those other lives? The look in his eyes said he did and it was extremely unpleasant burden to bear. No wonder you talk about history of mankind all the time. So we die over and over like in that movie ‘Groundhog Day’ but still always find ourselves right where we left off, but even more worse and intense then before like a limbo?” “Exactly he said, and it’s a total mental institution we are forced to live in cause we refuse to understand, to be responsible. Humans will do anything to avoid this understanding they rather entertain them selves, or distract them selves, look to busy them selves in projects missions new experiences, spiritual keys, shopping, fighting wars, do what ever we can to pass the time to numb ourselves to not think and avoid responsibility. This can only tell me one thing and that is people like their prison, they like their conditioning they want it and will do what they can to protect it. No one seems to care about his or her mind, or why we are so confused, you would think humans should be experts in confusion by now, but no they do not even think about it or ask these questions and when they do they do not stay with it long enough to go deep enough with it to fully understand. Not one spiritual enlightened speaker knows the answer to this or seems to understand what they are doing.”
“So I said we are actually living in a limbo death and spirituality can not help us escape, it can only add another bar to the prison limbo. Then the only way to get out is to be responsible and think fully and deeply to be attentive at all times not just sometimes here and there?” The more people that do this, the ones that are brave enough to do this can also experience psychological freedom not just here in which it is super challenging and taxing on our reserves but out of this limbo nightmare reality as well? Is that what you mean by getting out?
He did not say anything but I knew that is what he was referring to.
In that case, I continued on, I to am inclined to ‘get out’ as well but I am not sure if can. I am not sure if I’m advanced enough, or smart enough; it seems very challenging and I do not know how much life I have left to live. I feel like I am always running out of time.”
Diego interjected with, “And there is that realization, that the day we are born we are dying and every moment we live is always bringing us closer and closer to our death.
You Jess actually have a lot of time. And with that he told me the age I would be when I would die but he said it in a count down from now including the days, hours minutes, and seconds. Would you like to know how it will happen since you’re so keen to make the unknown known?”
“ No thank you, I said, but do you know when you will die as well?” Again he rattled off an amount of years, including the minutes, and seconds and told me how it will happen for him. “Its called ischemia, in which the brain explodes.” He said this so casually, as though he was fine with this, there was no indication of they’re being any suffering or struggling with him knowing this. He knows when it is and he will be attentive to make the passage exactly where he wants to go so as to avoid all limbos.
He continued on, it’s just because I over use my brain he said, no different then someone who over uses their motor bike it dies faster then people who just use their motor bike here and there. I over use my brain/motor bike because I know its limited and I want to push it evolving a bit faster but of course like a computer it can not keep up with over sophisticated software so the computer crashes to beyond repair. The computer is gone, the hard ware and all we put on the Internet such as my website and facebook is still there and will always be there. It’s exactly the same with the ethernet. We have planted our seeds their perhaps it will help others to evolve.”
I watched Diego closely he had no fear or sadness about this at all. In fact he was rather nonchalant about this. In some ways I was relieved to know that I had a long time before I passed but i was also upset to know as well because now I could be lazy and procrastinate a good amount of my life. Where as before when I was making my early videos and writings that got me notoriety only came into fruition because I pushed myself to do them, saying ok jess. If you were to die in a month from now would you be ok with that? Did you share everything you wanted to or will you feel like buried treasure when you’re 6 feet under embracing and kissing your tombstone? (That’s what death to me always was buried treasure and I was most afraid of that so for that reason alone is why I even made those popular videos and poems to begin with.)
Damn, it was fear again so of course mathematically it would lead to some mess sooner or later in my life and it sure did. Diego again interjected on my thoughts, “What’s that your modeling on your psyche runway, a new confusion? Is it never enough this war with the known and unknown? I tell you what you want to know and now your sad that you know and wish you did not know. So your setting yourself up for some stupid drama where your always damned if you do know and damned if you don’t know. Not just that its never enough I tell you one thing and then you want to know more and more, perhaps you see it as an entertainment or something exciting to blog about but its reality damn it. It’s the whole damn human history; it’s the case in each and every human beings life. What your doing and thinking and struggling with now has been man kinds history since the beginning always struggling with such never able to get it or let it be enough always destroying not just their peace but animals and plants all of natures right to peace as well.” “Some advanced divine race we are” I said.
“ Diego, I do not want to be like this I do not like it one bit, but I feel so stuck I do not know how to think in any other way or even what I should think about or even how to think for that matter. Its frustrating to want to break these ancient patterns but we are always up against a tidal wave of historical tears washing us away like a mighty tsunami of emotions and confusion. What chance do we have against history?”
“ It’s a long and arduous process he said. We have to first find out what we are not what love is not etc. Its dismantling every brick in this berlin wall we created inside of us through out history, everything must be observed scrutinized understood especially what we think we know like words for example, what we are saying thinking and asking ourselves. Is that us or something, someone else speaking and thinking for us? Like I said it’s a long process and most do not want to do it.”
“ I do.” I said.
“Are you sure?”
“ Yes, I want to get to the bottom on this insanity to understand to move on from this once and for all not just for me but all humans and non humans that are effected by this stupidity and violence.”
Then Diego said, “Somewhere in there is the real jessica. Not all this fear, sadness, frustration, and confusion that is not her.”
I started to feel sad because i was realizing i forgot home Diego did not.. oh gosh how could i forget home? how come i can not remember like he did like dad did?
It made me cry, I saw how distracted I got with all the sub missions & submission of my spirit, of things I thought I had to do, trying to help others all the while compromising and sacrificing myself.
“Jess what your crying about is a hoax to, just like death is a hoax and so is this concept of home there is no home, if anything we are ourselves are home. But there is no home to escape to as all places and spaces are made of energy, which is what we are made of. There is no home or god to return to only our-selves to return to. Out of the limbo is not home it’s just out of the ‘Groundhog Day’ existence.
It was this conversation that made me fall for Diego a bit more, I mean he was willing to give me all my dreams to show me how to make them all come true and he wanted nothing from me in return. What he ended up giving me though was something beyond my dreams how could I not fall for him after that?
Chapter: 2 Blanco Museum
The conversations I had with Diego made me both upset and intrigued with this man. He was/is so fascinating, he gave me my hearts desire at the drop of a hat but not with out making me think, why I really wanted it which was kind of attractive to me as well. It felt like what I interpreted as un-conditional love. Only a month ago he asked me about what I think about the idea of him and me being in a relationship, I mentioned in the previous blog and I declined because I was too scared, but now I was starting to think perhaps I should just give it a try. Why not just give it a couple months and see how it goes. This mystery that he is and holds is just to appealing to turn away from.
I was not sure did he share all this with me in hopes for me to see his true intentions so I would give him a chance to give him my heart or was it some other undetectable reason? He certainly had impressed me and got my attention in a way no one else has before. Can I do this? As I was trying to decide if I could do this or not, Diego asked me if I wanted to go to Blanco Museum to attend a kind of garden party for a friend of his who happened to be a famous artist in Hungary.
“Ok I said yes lets go to this Blanco Museum place it sounds like a beautiful place.”
That day was the day in which I really started to think of Diego as a romantic life partner. It’s when I started to realize I was falling for him. Surprisingly it was not when I saw him talking to another girl and felt jealously. I could not understand why that made me upset as I was never a jealous person before so why should I care? Why should I even compare the person I was before to who I am now? Measuring myself up finding some faults in myself or some reasons to think of myself not good enough in some way. But it was the day at Blanco’s that it all started to click.
Many pictures were taken that day I wore a bright yellow and orange sarong with orange flowers in my hair. At the very entrance of the museum were exotic birds like bright red and blue giant parrots, large white parrots with Mohawks, giant black birds that had prehistoric long knife likes beaks, pink cheeks and bright colored looking scrotums on their necks, there were various other exotic birds their to but obviously those ones stand out the most burning holes in my memory. We took lots of pictures with the birds and just pictures in general; it was indeed a beautiful place. Diego did some modification of the pictures, as he likes to do to make the pictures even more stimulating and interesting. I have many of the pictures on my facebook and often use them as main profile pictures as well.
The bright colors I was dressed in made me feel like I blended with these exotic birds perhaps to them I looked like a bird myself.
It was magical spending time with these exotic birds they were so tame we could hold them kiss and cuddle them and even give them some of our gin and tonic. It was really neat watching Diego interact with them as well and how the birds interacted to Diego.
After spending a good amount of time playing with the birds we went inside to check out the museum. It’s a very popular famous museum from an artist that even Michael Jackson is a fan of. Though Diego and I, were not impressed with the art, at all most of it was rather derogatory, vulgar and demeaning for woman. We call that art? We prostitute woman, our innocence, our creativity in our art it was too much to bare so we left the museum and went to the top of the roof to look at the amazing view of all the green jungle we were surrounded by, with all the flowers as well. It was just breathtakingly beautiful.
Shortly after that we went to meet Diego’s artist friend who had already set up his easel and was getting ready for another art attack, to create something awesome. How does one do it with out the pressure getting in the way and sabotaging such paintings when being asked to paint create like that on the spot with everyone watching? I looked at the painting he was doing it was nice and interesting but nothing like Diego’s art and besides I was more inclined in being with the birds again.
So I left to get some birds to walk around the park with. Then I found a nice grassy knoll and it was just the birds and i, we were in our own little world. Their was a Balinese dancer near by all decked out in traditional dance wear she liked watching me and the bird and came over to face her fear of the bird, she then lent me her hat and I did not know how to wear it as I apparently had it on backwards.
That’s when more people started to pay attention to me with the bird and suddenly all these professional photographers were photographing our candid moments.
Then a guy came up to me and started to speak to me asking me questions about my connection the birds and I fell into my mystical jargon playing up the connected crystal child that came out like of me like a bad habit that is not so easy to break. “Oh it’s the energy and how you approach them, that is why they are so gentle and let me kiss them.” I said this not knowing we were being filmed on camera for Indonesian TV. Here is the link for it on YouTube its in part 2 we are in the very beginning then fast forward to 7:50 minutes in to see my interview. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWd9XrwZqRk .
I did not know that the man that was interviewing me was the owner of the museum, the artists son. Nor did I realize what he was saying was the reason the birds were so friendly was because all the birds were tamed since they hatched from the egg they were all hand raised. Well I felt pretty stupid after that egg on my face yet again. So much being connected with the bird’s cause of my great energy, did I really convince myself of such tripe?
Diego was watching silently from a far with a slight smile on his face. As he knew exactly what was going on and he found it amusing. He saw it as a chance for me to see more and more what we were talking about. Though talking about is was not enough it had to be lived and applied and observed by myself/ourselves firsthand. Diego stayed out of the spot light always the man in the shadows avoiding a majority of the pictures and attention that I ate up that day.
When it was time to eat Diego’s artist friend pulled some strings to get us to eat at the fancy outdoor restaurant for free. He did that by saying we his special guests but he did not sit with us.
So me and Diego were left alone to eat and chat in the most unbelievable stunning and romantic setting as if I was being set up to further confirm that I should be with Diego romantically. I suspected it was another romantic ambush conspiracy.
Eat pray love cliché was the last thing on my mind when I came to Bali. So many come here just to find their Philippe. I was not looking for anything like that, and our story is no where near to ‘Eat Pray Love’ or as the locals like to call it Eat Pay Leave or South Parks version Eat Pray Queef. I really disliked this movie and I had no idea that so many older women flocked here after seeing that movie. No really its shocking to see how many woman come here to Bali dressed just like Julia Roberts riding the same bike cruising around in the rice fields hoping that the love of their lives will run them over with their jeep. (Just like how it happened in the movie, wow so romantic.) These woman really try to ride around in all the places were the movie was filmed, they often do not find men but other woman doing the same. When they do not find a man, which is most of the time they end up doing spiritual workshops on how to find your soul mate and realize your divine, goddess, kundelina, tantra, love by repeating some mantra with crystal vibrators. I’m not joking they actually have a workshop like that here. I have no idea what they do there exactly nor do I want to know. I just know that the woman that go to this are from the ages of 60-80 and this workshop costs about $10,000 for 7 days. This is sad and the reality is here of what things are coming to. I met a young girl in her early 20s in Bali from the states who claimed to be a lightworker starseed who loved the movie ‘Eat Pray Love. I told her that movie is responsible for destroying Bali with tourism up the wazoo and she said, “So what it inspired me, and that is all that matters, love and light. Peace out.” I was so pissed when I heard this, so it’s ok to destroy the jungles of an island so you can be inspired on some cheesy love story? If only she knew what Bali was like before the new age circus came to town. Diego had observed Bali change dramatically thanks to this movie and he like me was concerned about it how could such a movie be sold to us as a counterfeit version of love it only adds to ones confusion which is why many of the reasons why relationships do not work. Diego and I were not interested in any of these things we stayed away from all this fluff observing from a far. We were more into cultivating our own understanding we had with each other. We refuse to stay at the surface we are more inclined to push ourselves deeper and deeper.
Chapter: 3 What My Poems Really Are
After that things started to become more intense with Diego and I, a lot of the things he said kept reminding me of my poems of things I used to understand but had lost. This made me sad I wished I met him when I was writing those poems and was more fresh more connected and less confused. I really wanted to understand why my creativity was once there so strongly and now has faded so much. I did not want to feel like damaged goods. I did not want to be one of those statistics of really nice girls who have their whole life ahead of them only to be ruined by getting involved with the wrong man. I wanted so badly for Diego to fix my heart, fix my creativity, and fix my connection I once had.
I wanted to show him that I really did once know and live what he was saying. That I once was a free bird inside my mind to, that I was not always like this. So I said, “I know you do not read Diego, but I really want you to see my poems and then you will see what I mean.” I then decided just to send him all my poems and he sat down and read them all. These old poems i titled Soul Archeology, a book my ex helped me publish on amazon, but I pulled from my website. Due to not wanting those ties or even memories of the things I used to write to remind me of that connection and also the confusion mixed with spiritual archetypes and labels in them. I rather correct all that before I republish them, but in the mean time if people are still interested in them they can send me a private message and I will send a copy. or you can get it here.. http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Archeology-1-Jessica-Schab/dp/1466360119/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346878374&sr=1-6&keywords=soul+archeology
Anyway after Diego read my poems something shifted to bring us even more closely together.
“Well he said, I read all your poems and they are very interesting. (That’s a compliment coming from Diego as he finds most things boring.) Have you seen the movie ‘Contact’ he asked?
“Yes, I did,” I responded.
Then he said, “Well remember that part where the aliens were communicating by these strange sounds which actually turned out to be algorithms and binary codes and beats which when looked at with a more expended perception and when they put together the frequency in a certain geometrical shape it ended up indicating that the message was in fact blueprints to build a device to go and meet the aliens.” (Forgive me for this poor reiteration of words its really challenging to repeat exactly how he explained this in laments terms.)
“ I kind of remember that, I said, but I rather watch this movie again with you so you can explain to me more then it comes up.” Which is what we did.
He pointed out to me, “Do you see how they put a chair in the device when the blueprints had no indication of including that the scientists just thought should be included for comfort?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Ok he said, do you see how if she had stayed in that chair she would have died. Its important to stick to the original blue prints but its not something we can think about or force, we can not try to do this it just comes to us spontaneously almost as if beyond/before thought, its just pure perception coming through us which is a precise technology when not comprised by beliefs or archetypes.”
“So what are you getting at Diego I asked? Well he said your poems are the same if we were to put them together in the same way in that movie then you would see your were actually also building a device.”
“Really? I said, but those poems are comprised with beliefs and archetypes.”
“ Yes, he replied, its true but, I can see past those obstructions, to see what was coming through you, what they were, what your unconscious mind was trying to do, and let come through.”
“ Ok I said, so then what is it? What are my poems to you? A space ship like in the movie to?”
“ No he said, it’s an irrigation system. I know cause I used to do the same. So tell me did you ever have some fascination or affinity with irrigation systems?”
“ No not at all, I said. I know nothing about the science and math of them either my brain is lousy when I try to think and function in that way.
“ Well that’s Interesting, he said because your poems indicate that you’re very good in math and science.”
“ I had to laugh at that. Ok if that’s true, I said. Then my conscious mind is not aware of this at all.”
“ No he said, I’m not talking about the math you were taught in school, most of that is stupid, not 1+1=2 it does not that’s a linear way to think of math and we live in a non linear reality therefore 1+1= infinite. I am talking about actual math in which everything functions out of. You may not know math but you are math itself, your brain is math.”
“That sounds totally boring, I said. Math is ewe gross. I never liked math and I am pretty sure that the mysteries of the universe and our mind must be more exciting then math. Of course I hate it, because I am no good at it. I think I have a grade 3 mentality when it comes to math. I flunked every one of my math exams.”
“No Jess, Do not think of your old school math, think deeper about it, and see if that changes your relationship with math.”
I did try but for some reason every-time he brought this up I got upset I thought I had signed a restraining order with me and math it had to stay 100 feet away from my brain at all times.
“Ok I said, then what about this irrigation system how do you know that is what it is?”
“ I know because I was doing the same thing when I was a kid.”
“ I see I said, and do you know where this irrigation system is or where it comes from?”
“ It does not matter it could be here now or in between time or in the past, in another time line, another dimension, another planet why should you care? You find it and then what?”
“ I don’t know, maybe my memory will come back magically and I will suddenly know math and science in the way you do. I keep waiting and looking for some trigger to snap me and humanity out of this amnesia state we seem to be in.”
“ Nope he said, that’s not the way to go, it does not work like that. It’s better for you to continue to create making sure to not comprise your work/writing/art/life with out beliefs or archetypes. But try this not just in your art projects, but your mind your daily life to. Cultivate your own inner private world as you do this. It must come through you with out expectations or force it should be spontaneous. It’s not about what you create of even if it’s good, its about the journey you go on when you create and your relationship with space and time during that time in which both time and space cease to exist. Then other things may come through you not just irrigation systems, perhaps some bridges between time lines and krytons to. Imagine what your blogs must really be, if we were to put them together like in the movie Contact, what do you think your unconscious is building when you think you only writing a blog?”
Then he said, one more thing before he put his cigarettes and went upstairs. “Actually you have not even written those old poems and blogs of yours you call ‘Soul Archeology’ yet they are from the future some how you dragged them into your past and wrote them then.
But how can that be? I stammered, I am writing them now, that makes no sense. But he was already upstairs leaving me to ponder what he said (O-O)(this is how I imagine my face is when he says such things and my brain does not know how to respond or even to compute such info.)
Chapter: 4 The Call
A few days later I was sitting in the hammock in the front of the house, it was mid morning and I was going through my email and had found that I had received a letter from my ex boyfriend Gus Mouskos. He wanted to do a skype chat with me, as it had been a long time since we last spoke and he wanted to update me on some family affairs he was handling for me. I am embarrassed to say that I kept in touch with him for as long as I did during my Asia trip. I mean i left Canada to get away from him but he always had a reason to call and stay in touch and I always fell for it hook line and sinker. I always felt like I had to talk with him even though I really did not want to, and did not like talking with him at all, especially cause of how I felt after every-time we talked. I was scared what would happen if I did not respond to his messages or keep him happy.
Yet I wondered if some part of me must have liked it or still kept entertaining the belief he put in my head that he is a person who cares and wants the best for me.
Oh man I was still such a mess at that time. Did I learn anything from my experience with Wolf? Why was I doing the same damn thing with my ex again? Lets just pick up the dysfunctional drama and awkwardness right where we left off and call it caring about a person, how demented can we be? I really dislike when we know something is not good for us but we do it anyway. Most addicts know this so well. It’s as if we are temporary possessed and it’s even harder to re-live this, to which we are almost feeling screaming and smacking our past self to wake the fork up! To see what your able to see now so clearly so as to have some damage prevention not watch and partake in the train wreck and then beat ourselves up afterwards for doing it, saying we are so stupid and such. I now know these are the ingredients for abuse a one-way road that lead to a vicious circle. It would take me many months to fully recognize and understand how and why I felt the need to set myself into such old patterns.
So that was pretty much the essence of what went down in the call I had with my ex. It was a lot of having him say things to me such as, ‘Your stupid and I am smart, and I love you, and I am the only one who cares for you and can help you. Can you see how smart I am and how stupid you are? Can you see how much you need me and why it’s a good idea to still converse with me? How screwed I would be with out him I should count my blessings that he is doing this for me etc.”(I am sure many of you have heard the same before all these things are signs of an abusive relationship.)
And after hearing such things for so long we start to believe these things. I know I was always 50/50 on this fluctuating back and forth with inner conflict that consists of this classic equation of I really am stupid +, no I’m not, + ok so what’s wrong with you then?+ How come you cannot free yourself?+ How come you keep getting yourself stuck in such bullshit?= to feeling uber frustration, = leads to tears and then he yells at me when I try to question such love or selfless acts from him. And then what follows is me trying to clarify what I meant which is basically taking back my words getting to scared and then trying to make things right again. Then apologies on both sides and then oh but I know you do care for me, which only sets up the scene to happen again late. Which will further exhaust and frustrate us. It always ends with what the heck happened this time I thought I would be strong and stand up to him once and for all? Why the crap did I cave again and show such weakness?
The call I was in with my ex was pretty loud Eo heard it for sure, he was just near the entrance in the kitchen on his pool floatation balloon bed, and I know Diego heard the call as well and all of the neighbors to.
When I finished the call I was shaking, my face was red and puffy from the tears and face dents of confused expressions pressed past my face and to my brain and tattooed a strain of pain.
I felt exhausted and totally defeated I tried to clean myself up in the bathroom and put on a brave fake facemask, a classic that all woman do. Saying something rhetoric like ‘I’m fine’ when we are so, so, so, so, sos, so not, fine as we try to snort back the snot and say its not so in our own feeble defense. I went up stairs put my computer away and sat on the bed staring off into space.
Diego was at his desk right across from me and he immediately got up and said, “Are you ok?” I nodding like yes I was fine but my eyes and nose betrayed me for they had sprung a leak out yet again, my face and eyes said otherwise, they told the truth. Why did I even bother trying to cover this up? It is so petty as if there is some camera somewhere. Are we always acting how we think we should or is it reacting how we think we should? (Exhausted from thinking my self out of my problems, tired from crying even worn out from trying to find a way off the rollercoaster) I burst into tears he came over and held me and I did my best to explain the call, our relationship, the situation and even tried to justify my ex saying, “but he is not so bad he is trying to help me after all.”
Of course Diego did not buy any of it, but he kept letting me talk, to get it all out. The call was the past, yet here it was still hurting and it still recurring inside me like after shocks after an earthquake, making me cry more and more. (I am not going to go into detail about my ex yet and all that exactly happened even in my old blogs about him I admit I was not fully honest about him and the events that were happening as I was too afraid to share the truth. My ex always threatened me if I shared anything about him, so whenever I wrote about that time or him it was always watered down. But I am not afraid anymore, so I will write more about this later but in this blog, I want to keep things in the order in which things happened, which is many months later when the shit/shift hit the fan.)
I’m not sure how long Diego and me talked on the bed, it must have been awhile, that I think it made Eo curious and also rather concerned for me as well. I guess he wanted his chance to comfort and console me to so he came up the stairs right at the time when Diego and me had our first kiss. Now as I recall this event, I am not sure who’s call it was for us to kiss at that time his or mine or perhaps we were just responding to some inner call deep within us? When Eo saw that we were kissing, he sneaked back down the stairs, so as not to interrupt the moment. I only found out about these weeks later that he witnessed that event. To which he said after that moment I looked at Diego totally different to quote exactly what Eo said, “I looked at Diego from then on like a cat in heat.”
Yet it was still a while till we were actually intimate.
Chapter: 5 Letters
The whole month of Oct I was head over heals with Diego I was completely on cloud 9. I had the love glow the dreamy look in my eyes. The stupid smile on my face, the klutziness when we kissed, I would walk into poles and apologize to them as if they were alive. I wanted to be around Diego 24/7 I was in awe by his kindness, patience, intelligence and understanding of so many things. I was so nervous when we went into the market together I was unsure where my brain was half the time.
In this chapter I wanted to find the best way convey how it was for us in that time, to give others as clear as a snap shot as I could of our relationship. I recently came across some of our old letter we exchanged to each other during the month of Sept and Oct. That I thought would give you an idea of our dynamics and synergy straight from the horses mouth this is the actual words at the time. I thought it would be interesting for others to read in-between the lines of our letters and see what subtext is there. Some of these letters were also written while I was at Wolfs place or at cafes because Diego’s Internet was very lousy. It was always easier to write what I was too afraid to say out loud in a way I was satisfied with so even while we were living with each other we were writing letters to each other.
He wrote me this in response to a nasty letter someone sent me
Those people are energetically, psychologically and even intellectually fighting with & within themselves very badly…
They are constantly struggling with their fake-nature aimed to create subconsciously the tremendous inner wars they are fighting.
Sometimes they feel something pure within themselves…
some little ‘seed’ of awareness…
and that’s exactly what they fear the most…
The energy they are wasting is also the drug they need along their daily life… tangibly and psychologically…
Anger is the food they use to make sure that their reality & pseudo identity appear as real to their confused mind…
So they do the best they can to destroy that seed of awareness…
being tremendously sick energetically and emotionally… they need ‘enemies’ so to delegate to those enemies all the reasons of their fear & sickness…
You are genuine and inspiring, fresh and perceptively vibrating…
but you are also intelligent, highly emotional and you are a woman…
and the sum of these facts is enough, for the mind of those sick people, to create the perfect enemy they need…
I’m sure that some of them, if in your presence, will cry…
but as you well know there are also other forces behind the psyche of those people…
and some of those forces don’t like your energy…
As like there we have sick people…
so… here we have very sick entities and energetic vampires…
Do not let their junk energies affects yours…
That’s not the dark part of the psychic life…
That’s the sick part of it…
I would like to get a deeper sharing with you when we will meet…
Let my know when you’re supposed to come here…
Ps… Yesterday I was watching one of your videos…
eh eh some of your facial expressions during your verbal mistakes were so cute and sensible…
Is that an indication of mental illness?
Well: if so… I would like to see this kind of mental illness among humans! …
But unfortunately… 80% are non-thinkers not able to be themselves so I call them clones… (More on that later)
You use to say:
we are the answers to our prayers…
but for some their prayers are seriously disturbed and ill…
and so are their answers… while their prayers are traps in themselves
What about you?
The frogs miss you
The perceptive answers, indeed, are within the perceptive questions
See u soon
Thank you Jessica
an thank for such unexpected visit,
Indeed i do need lots of humor in order to get out…
It’s a part of the ‘fuel’ I need…
The most serious thing..
is the end of seriousness…
Sweet spider morning
This letter is my response to his and is also about me politely trying to tell him what its like for me to kiss him and the struggle I was having with the various smells that he is saturated in not just on his body but tongue to. It’s also about how I like him but I am unsure how to make it work and what he invokes in me.
I like you a lot. A LOT. So in me there is a battle to allow you to touch and love me.
I am interested in you I am sure you know this, but I am sensitive to your intense smells from your usual addictions (cigarettes, bear, coffee, the fact he liked to eat lime skins which tasted nasty second hand on my tongue now just imagine that combo in your mouth? Then there is your mysterious sulfur smell you have, and not to mention the loads of hair spray and strong smells from your aftershave). Which I do not judge but is very hard for me to be around and in kissing I can go from turned on to turned off if just by the smell or taste and not want to go further. I would never tell you to stop smoking or drinking, coffee and beer for me as that is control and I want you to be you but I am not sure how you and me can coexist together as romantic partners.
You do not understand when you touch me as softly and uniquely as you do even if it’s as something as innocent as my hands it is a turn on, and I am trying to control my emotions and my body and your not helping. It’s not easy for me to turn my drive off. Sometimes I close down around you or get cold or turned off cause the things you say make me nervous and depressed if I where to adopt and accept how you see life and the world. I worry that I would have neither meaning nor purpose and cease to exist, nor would I have any desire to help others. I do not like that feeling and I worry this may result in me not even like myself.
So now maybe it will give you a better idea about what’s going on inside me and why it’s hard for me, or why I may give confusing mixed messages?
When you wake me up or pull my covers down so the sun is in my face immediately get annoyed and dive into the comfort of darkness funny how humanity has done that time and time again. Like we say oh love and light and when we get it what we do is we show our true feelings towards light, which is annoyance even frustration, and then we find comfort in seeking the darkness instead; where we can go back to sleep.
I hope you understand what I mean here. Warm embrace laced in grace
I understand you Jessica…
I understand you almost fully…
The prism of life has so many faces…
somehow, sometime they get in conflicts
…while the prism of the soul have no conflicts no time no space ’cause its essence is unified since the beginning.
Both of them I can get in… Very easily most of the time…
but it’s not easy in this form, not at all…
It’s hard to deal with the frequency in which we miss someone… and at the same moment that someone is right in front of you… lying in your bed… talking with you… sleeping with you… dreaming with you… sharing consciously and subconsciously with you. or even being intimate with you..
Intimacy, eventual frictions, beauty, peace, caresses, dialogues, languages, technologies, help, information’s, projects, actions, misunderstanding and even my smells and my so seeming addictions, the ways how I push you, the annoyance I use to give you sometime… and so on… are all ethereal (first) then practical consequences of the tiny bridge between these two frequencies…
Regardless if physical intimacy is there or not…
I always tried to touch you emotionally first…
and it’s hard to avoid manipulation on that way in that form
I like the human genetics, mind and behavior as like I like this form including mine…
that’s why I can see all the sickness, the darkness, the ‘map’ of their uncertain future within each one of them
I’m here to see how the weak energy of hope could shift into the energy of the multiversal emotionality…
and I very aware on how this event here is tremendously improbable…
Dear Diego, I think I may be falling in love with you and that’s scary to me. This letter of response you wrote is beautiful paradox poetry of the soul experienced through all time lines weaving some lovely pattern if we can only step back and look with a new perspective if we can only get out of our own way to see beyond the sea to a once upon a time when there was no time.
And unconditional understanding is the ecstasy and unification of this all. You miss me even though I am right in front of you. I do not know what to say I do not remember what you do, how can I go back to being someone I do not even remember being? I do not recall our connection the way you do I wish I could but sometimes I can feel it, its beyond words just little glimmering glimpses every now and then.
Oh gosh I’m 1000 miles away and lying next to you missing you to. Even out waiting for Wolf I did not really want to go out to his place. Wolf is alright but I do not think he really respects woman, he just likes to go for things that are not easy to get I do not want to be seen in this light. So why do I go? To teach him there are some girls he can love be in the same bed with out sex. A spoiled quantum prince rock star cannot always get what he wants. He does not get me like you and around him I do not have much confidence, all i know is I am supposed to work with him somehow not sure yet with what or in what way. My life is full of codes and puzzles that I have been teaching myself how to decipher and read.
Which leads me to something scary again how you talk about love what we know about this world and its idea of love and what it does to you. Is it an addiction to? Will I be your new cigarette always by your mouth? I think I am jealous of your cigarettes to. Did I cancel my trip to England and Africa because I would be worried I would miss you? Did you tell me what you did because you did not want me to go and leave you? I know what you said is true its just hard to take it all in and digest even except. Oh the codes of life and human emotions the deception and manipulation have taken place before we challenged each other to do just that.
You need lessons in kisses, and each woman is different and needs to be kissed in accordance to their energy your so in tune in so many ways but not yet there. And your hands i love them but I know you’re not the cleanest guy. (lol I can not believe I said this in a letter damn I was bold. Oh by the way I like you but you’re not a good kisser. you kiss like a windshield wiper or a puppy licking your face and you smell super funky my nose can hardly handle this overpowering aroma.)
Then there is the things, you know, talk, write, draw, and create its incredible. I want to know how to see what you see not just to collect pieces of me but to better understand you and the world we think we live in. I am interested in developing my technology but you say I will not do it cause I am closed down. Do you mean cause I am hesitant to have a relationship with you or be intimate with you? And if I did I would have better access and understanding to my technology? Then you say I cannot access my own technology unless I can to manipulate you. What does that mean? It’s not ok for you to manipulate me but its ok for me to do it to you I just do not understand this. Did you ask for this or know this was to happen? How many times lines did we weave together? How many times has this happen before?
i do not want to be addicted to love it hurts to much but yes love is not rational nor does it care for human logic nor what me and you think nor feel. It only cares about the feelings beyond the feelings and the ideas and possibilities that lead to evolution not the opposite.
And what if I like you, your energy, your touch and your body too much then what?
Oh its all a hologram just detach do not care; shed your identity, ok and then I do and then what? Will I then not be important like you? Is that the plan? You always say you’re not important I wonder why? Well who wants to be important in a prison planet anyway?
Then what I am free to exit this planet no strings attached not caring about anything I used to care so much about? Is that freedom?
So all this is scary and I think maybe its better to go and leave you for a bit then I miss you and the paradox circle dance starts all over again. We both know the pattern so well and yet we fall prey every time what would it be like outside of the matrix is there love and missing others there to? Is it different there less conditioned?
Now we are both smart in mind emotions spirits and dimensions but is love smarter then all of those things combined? Or is love like god, nothing more then just another man mind manufactured invention a hoax that actually knows nothing at all but pretends like it knows everything and is all powerful?
And what does life look like now with such a perspective?
I’m not irresponsible or am I?
Movies like Disney’s tangled parallel my life a time line of mine I am sure. Speaking to me so many things in that movie.
These are the codes of life past and memories and stories that come to us along the way as we live our life.
My dad well I was thinking even if he is not my real dad like you say, that is fine it does not make me love him any less. I still respect him and his task and what he did and endured with me the patience and love and belief, damn that was no easy task and I felt his heart break a little more every passing day. I know the truth he did not really die of a brain hemorrhage but of a broken heart. I broke his heart. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
He once sang to me when i was little girl the song always went like this you are my poor little Cinderella but you will be a princess someday.
All little girls hope to one day be a princess
and the truth is they all are and so are all little boys actually prince.
When I got a bit older I was in love with an animated movie called Anastasia not to be confused with the ringing cedar Anastasia who is one of my special guides Semjase to. (I know longer promote the idea of guides, Semjase and Anastasia, I kept this in to show I still was holding onto some confusions at this time. I will get more into my transition out of guides later in future blogs.)
This Anastasia is the lost Russian princess Romanoff. This story was also made into an animated cartoon this movie like most fairytale-animated movies haunt me cause of the codes I see which I am pretty sure you see and pick up.
So you see this is why I ask you such questions and why I want to know I have so many riddles and codes, how are all these things connected? It’s not about being whole but undoing what was done for Rapunzel in tangled when she realized the truth. She took back her power was no longer lost or confused she was clear and knew what was going on and what she needed to do. She came into herself and she could never be manipulated or tricked again she had the courage she needed to have as well to love with out caution and fear.
So now you know why I want to know its not just cause i am so (koorius). (as Diego would pronounce it)
I want to know what you know I can not help it, its taken me over and your memory to. I do not want to be the confused girl at the ball dancing in dizzy circles like in the movie the labyrinth that one part you were watching on YouTube that one night. I want to shatter the mirror of illusion just like she did in that movie, I want to stop dancing whirling in circles forever having no comprehension how long we have been spinning like this.
I’m sorry I feel you so introverted right now and its so hard for me that I can not even look at you I’m a bit to shy now and so are you. I feel you’re hurting I wish could help. I never wanted to hurt you maybe that’s why I spoke in codes to you as well. Why it was so hard to tell you what was going on inside me how when you touched me so emotionally so sweetly.
PS Your kissing has improved
Warm embrace laced in grace
thank you for you being you
Dear Jessica, I cannot see your thoughts but I can see the shapes of your emotional network and how it behaves according with your heart and mind together…
Well, actually I could see your thoughts in their elemental structure…
but, as you know, I do not want to use the remote viewing in order to see within you… that would be disrespectful (even if I do not sympathize that much with the word ‘respect’ but just with its meanings)…
Anyways I’m able to see, frequencially, the tides and the flowing of your emotional stream…
Interesting pictures comes from your shower’s projections images of a funny, interesting, pulsating, messy and tender future moment in the shower’s hologram.
It’s not always easy however it may seem the visualization of your emotional vibrations… as always your projections are genuinely placed within other projections and I like it.. But it takes time and delicacy to caress the faces of your inner kaleidoscope…
I know how I must & I have to cultivate this delicacy in order to see and deal with those faces…
Anyway thank you, sincerely… for the sharing of your sorrow you gave me last night…
I was almost aware of the suffering your lived (and you live sometime nowadays)…
but the translation of that sorrow into the present moment… the shadows of your unnecessary (but understandable) guilty… the vibrations generated by your body… and your tears … helped me a lot to understand your inner struggles…from all points of view… including the human one and its spectrum of understanding…
I truly cannot explain you the gratitude I felt because of your behavior… not by words… nor by actions.
Dear Diego. Here is something I just wrote that you inspired.
The blending mirth and mirage of our fears in dreams is a curious/koorius thing indeed oh we are chased by a monster we feel the fear that it will kill us. But what is your flesh in the dream? Where is it? What really dies? Perhaps the dream? An illusion that wrestles with the mystery of immortality. Oh life waking life you are but a dream to. Why then do we fear you dear life and our love house residence
in flesh? If it’s a dream to how can we believe we are in danger and need to fear or have anything truly to lose? If you were to exit your fleshy clothes would you then wake up in another dream? Can you control or gauge which dream, which time line parallel you go to by being calm and peaceful and clear even in the face of death? Or must we be conscious for all of life as well not just at our death? Can we say oh my time line for this incarnation dream initiation is at an end best to have a conscious death and focus clearly on where I would like to navigate this soul ship next? There are much more options then heaven and hell indeed let your imagination like Dorothy and Alice create the realm, the world of your desire. In the past in ancient tracks primitive times when people knew that death was due they would focus their soul on an object and jump inside of there. But there are much more options then this think remember the dance of your soul, and then go deep and beyond that to. Immortality is due once more knocking at your door. Will you pass it up saying you’re a fantasy that used to be true? Why would you believe in time say oh we are running out of time when in this moment is eternity it can be frozen and 1000 years can be lived out inside of you lasting forever or that 1000 years can be lived out in an instant, when you understand time you can stop it, or jump it, or bend it, or do what you like perhaps that’s enough to carry yourself and maybe human kind through their dark window of time. This is the purpose of the metaphorical rhyme. Please understand my codes and you to can be free from the matrix anomaly beyond the apprehension pressure oh the pressure of the radical realization its more internal eternal then you think. ~ Jessica
Dear Jessica, The experiencing of how the spectrum of life can freely change during dreams… is paradoxically the source of all archetypes in human consciousness even during dreams…
The dreamer, indeed, is also the dream…
There’s no separation between the dreamer and the dream he’s doing… (In the experiencing of a dream like reality)…
Indeed aren’t the intellectual understanding, but the simple experiencing of it that does the dream’s experiences…
So fear, in dreams, is no more but the shadow of the light people are experiencing all the time during the so-called ‘conscious life’…
During the so-called ‘conscious life’ (or ‘real life’) fear is real energetically, perceptively & psychologically …
‘real’. But not necessary…
While in dreams fear is just the shadow mind needs to be not so badly disconnected from what mind think the ‘real’ world’ should be…
The mind uses to behave exactly like an ‘obsessed mother’ most of the time…paying too much unnecessary attention…
protecting us against the limitless emotional technology… thinking often at emotions as a kind of virus…
or just as a ‘slacker’ son…
While such a ‘slacker’ son is simply the entity & the ethereal force that allows mind to live the experiencing of life itself… as well it is the dimensional ‘fuel’ that does everything in life, holograms and illusions too…
The ‘fuel’ this technology needs…
Such a paradoxical situation is the situation in which a mother misunderstands her creator by which I mean her (emotional field not god) with the own son (intellectual decoding of the emotional field)…
How can mind act severely toward emotions while emotions are the creators of mind itself…?
The need to dream happens because dreams have no needs…
And even more than that:
the need to dream happens because the dream’s technology, being strongly connected with the emotional technology, is the little flare of consciousness which still here in the human corrupted psyche… suggesting to the psychological maze how death is no more than an illusion being related with just the atomic body and just in few timelines…
Meaning: What dies here… exists somewhere else with eternal continuation…
Meaning again: There’s no beginning and no end…
So, being the so-called and falsely perceived ‘reality’ just a part of the whole dream… the fear of/on death and death itself is in itself a part of the dream too…
Death is both a ‘psychological toy’ to avoid intensity and the ‘glue’ the mind uses to make and think at the experiencing of ‘reality’ as ‘real’… while death is no more but a part of the entire dream…
So is death… so are fears related to death… so are feelings of guilty… so is when we miss something… and so on…
There’s is no ‘reality’ ’cause reality is illusion…
but being reality an illusion & no more but illusion… meaning something ‘not real’…
each reality is no real in itself… not in the conscious life nor in dreams …time lines as well
and so is death…
Stop caring on what’s real and what’s not and join and enjoying the ethereal existence beyond whatsoever ‘reality’ or ‘illusions’… such a feeling and willingness to stop caring on it is a part of the emotional technology… and the emotional technology is no more but the creator of life itself… no matter if in ‘dreams’, ‘realities’, ‘birth’, ‘life’ or ‘death’…
Most of the cases mind misunderstands emotions and emotions misunderstands mind…that’s your first family and responsibility and you can not have them understand each other then good luck with trying to fix your life or the world.. For this is the way to misunderstand life itself… as well the source of all conflicts, all fears and the invention of all enemies…
The meaning & ‘sense’ of reality is a pathless land…
The meaning of ‘go beyond’ is creation of life…
Dear Diego, its not that I love you any less then other days cause I did give you a kiss good bye.
But I think I have another love in which I am now becoming aware of and that is a love to protect my confusion and pain. Why do we protect something that is not good for us? That continues to have us so screwed up?
This is why I am sad when I talk to you as I thought I was different but I see I am just as lost as anyone else in this world and its a bitter pill to swallow. You make me painfully aware of this and there is nowhere I can run and hide from this realization that is not just my responsibility but the worlds.
Dear Jessica, Your essence shines within this poem ’cause these words are not coming from the intellect nor from the past. Indeed between these word there’s the scent of familiarity, brotherhood of & in emotions & liberation itself…
A tree touches the air and the depth of the ground at the same time…
If it burns, other trees will come out from its fertile ashes…
if flooded by waters its seeds will spread anyway..
In the womb of the emotional ‘gods’ there’s always light wisdom ready to give fruits…
So is that Tree, so is the real Jessica and all of her shadows
I love you (this is something Diego never says this is the only time he has ever said it to me, as he really does not like these. I will elaborate more on this later especially when I started to say this word to him)
Chapter: 6 Stench and Stenchability
So you would think with seeing what Diego wrote to me at the time that you would think you was all keen to rush into the sack. I have mentioned a few times we were not intimate until later and here is why and what happened. After the call I had with my ex, Diego and I had our first kiss. I decided that night when he touched me like an ipod I would move my lips near his and let him know that I was more inclined to go there. Of course kissing him more intensely was a bit of a shock to my senses as I mentioned in the above chapter and it took some time to get used to his aroma and help him understand how I like to be kissed and such.
It seemed he like to spray hairspray on his face or apply tiger balm on his face and then I guess he would lick his lips and his tongue and I could taste this ewe. When I ask him, “Did he eat hair spray or something? He responded saying “No I just like the alcohol on my face.” One time after I just brushed my teeth I kissed him and he said, “Yuck what is that? To which I responded explaining that, “its called tooth paste, minty fresh, and its good. Glad to know I have something to get you back with now.
Diego’s unique smell should be an ability on its own as anyone that can cultivate such an odor must be super human but same for someone who can handle such a stench should be classified as an X-men ability as well.
Yes his smell takes some getting used to. (I actually almost forgot about his funky smell until our recent guests here brought it up to me. She asked me, “How do I stand his odor?” Then while I was working on this blog going through our old letters and I read how I told him straight up dude you reek. How about you dismantle that stench? I even recall asking his ex girlfriend about this and she said, “oh that, ya you will get used to it.”)
Sure enough that is what happened though some pioneers that come and visit us are a bit baffled how one can get used to such an odorous creature. Well you cannot expect a man who has a maggot community in his sock drawer to smell as fresh as a daisy. When we brought this to Diego’s attention, the next day he went out with these people he doused himself in cologne. Yes that’s a great strategy, rather then shower just apply more cologne. I think we have all done this. So Mr. I do not care, does a care but only a tiny bit.
As for me it’s my stenchablity to withstand extreme stench.
To me Diego does not have a foul odor just well its just uh one of a kind. And I have to confess now that I actually really like his odor now. Perhaps that’s love I don’t know. They say love makes you blind but for me it makes it odorless as well.
Though Diego does seem to have some bathroom ritual but I do not think it requires him washing his hair as he hates his hair getting wet he will do what ever he can to protect his hair from water, like holding the umbrella over just himself it does not matter if I am around or other girls getting wet, the umbrella is for him and his hair. He does not care that the umbrella he carries around is a kids or girls umbrella colored purple with flowers on it and a tacky gold handle and even more tacky gold tassels uhg. You can imagine how bad ass that looks for a guy all in black like the matrix cruising on his motor bike with such an umbrella. When some friends and I brought this up to him, he just says, “I like my hair to be petrified, I hate it hanging on my face.”
So what does he do exactly in the bathroom? Well he spends more time in there then I do. I know most of the time is spent with a blow dryer to his ear.
I have never seen a toothbrush or toothpaste in the bathroom ever since I have known him; there is no signs of dental hygiene life in the bathroom. I am pretty sure he has not used a toothbrush since he was a kid. When I asked him about this, he confirmed my theory was true. “But ewe Diego why don’t you brush your teeth?” “I do not like it and all the nerves are dead in my teeth so there is no need to.” Oh there is a good reason to no longer brush never mind that teeth change color regardless if you can feel any thing in your mouth or not.
I can almost see Diego in his morning routine and what that looks like as if I was a fly on the wall. I can just see him fixing his hair for a while, trying to get it just right, maybe while he is posing like Zoolander and of course making duck lips that he always writes about girls doing that all the time in picture; but yet his profile picture always has him making duck lips.
Anyway It’s really it’s a total mystery what he does in the bathroom every morning. (Mental note set up secret camera in there to find out.)
As for his clothes he seems to only wash them by leaving them outside to sit in the rain. He does not like how washing detergent removes the black color, so he does not use it. Yes making sure you clothes look the blackest is more important then cleanliness. I have never seen him own or wear deodorant either and he likes to wear long sleeve shirts and long black pants in this tropical weather.
So his clothes is pretty much always permeated in smoke and B.O. (Hey Einstein Eureka, YouReakuh) I asked him one time if he had a washing machine as I did not see one in the house and I thought I would do him a favor of washing his clothes for him, “He responded with what is a washing machine?” When I explained it to him it was apparent he did not have one. He said he had no need for one, and nor did he want me to wash his clothes. I am not his maid. Ok well you have a game plan for your clothes but what about mine? So I took it on myself to wash my clothes the old fashioned way with a bucket of water a scrub brush and some soap then hanging the clothes out to dry. (FYI do not bring nice clothes to Bali the humidity can make your clothes mold fast. If you come to Bali one day bring casual practice disposable clothes.)
If only our technology was advanced enough to make this a scratch and sniff blog.
Of course I would never say to him if you love me you would stop smoking or shower like say many do they use that card to get their way in order to change the person. Diego and me are about letting each other be who they are and what we want. We can make suggestions to one another but its up to us if we want to listen or not. Then we have to ask ourselves is this really something or just another conditioning. There is no changing for someone else that must be done just for ourselves otherwise if we do it for others then we start with little changes till the point we do not know who we are anymore as we become something we are not. Which happens so much in a relationship we tailor ourselves to suite our partner of how we think they are or would like us to be. Which is another reason relationships so sour after awhile as you first connected cause you were inspired by we could be our own person so freely until it changes when we start to get serious with the person. I am not saying I did not struggle with this because I did but more on that in the next blog.
One more observation I made on living with an observer. I’m not sure I could say his sense of smell is pretty good well to a degree in that he can smell if an animal has been to our house. I cannot smell this and I wonder if he actually smells them or feels their energy? As one time when we were taking care of a kitten, she pooped all over the floor and I could not sleep because the stench was so foul. The next morning I asked Diego if he was able to get any sleep because of the odor and he was like, “What odor? I slept fine.” Then later the cat pooped again right beside his desk as he was working away there. I said uh, don’t you smell anything? Come on how can you not smell that?” and he said, “No not at all.” That’s when I showed him the crap and he was like oh I can’t smell it. So I think he is also the unsmellable as well. Though I have to add due to the immense joy I get from farting my mother had referred to me as a fragrant girlfriend I never foresaw that I would have a man out stench me and damn that is surprisingly sexy.
Chapter: 7 The Unseducible
Despite his unique one of a kind aroma that has no words to describe as it exists in the unknown.’ I still wanted to rock the casba with him and take it further to go for the home run.
But this operation was a bit of a tricky task because there was the Eo sleeping downstairs the walls are full of holes and bamboo thin so anything we do will make noise for him. Eo is a virgin; I did not want to stain his virgin ears. It would be kind of embarrassing and awkward. Not just that our bed was a tattletale there was no way to go further with the D man with out Eo hearing something under these circumstances. What can I tell Eo oh we were just moving furniture around yes in the middle of the night in the dark you should try it sometime.
Oh ya and then their was another major factor of hindrance to achieving the horizontal mambo and that was that Diego is utterly and completely un-seducible.
Diego never objectified me or saw me as a piece of meat, he never flirted with me really either, what I thought he was doing in the bed, the ways he touched me like an ipod was surprisingly not flirting either it was something completely different. At first it was nice, and sweet but then it became annoying when the full realization of attraction dawned on me. Then again this man is a totally anomaly to a point it became almost curious, if it was a challenge, ok I was up for it.
I would paint my face and dress up a bit more sometimes even sexy just to see if that would get more of his attention, to make him randy for me, but that was to no avail. I felt like the Wiley Coyote from Warner Brothers cartoon with my various attempts to seduce the D man from the acme sexy collection.
I tried nibbling his ear and licking the back of the neck when we went to for bike rides, and nothing.
I even tried walking around nude, he did not bat an eye to that.
He told me how he had a girl couch surfer stay with him walk around nude and he never ogled them the girls were shocked but then she felt good to feel comfortable and free. He also told me how he had shared his bed with 4 other women with his girlfriend and there were no sexual thoughts or anything like that just good conversation and then sleep.
Then there was the model that couch surfed with him that tried to seduce him to no avail and she pulled out all the stops and was drop dead gorgeous to. She asked him flat out to have sex and when he asked, “why? She responded with, “uh cause its fun.” and this response turned him off and annoyed him. Sex to him is not fun its intense it’s a co sharing not something to be thrown around as entertainment or distraction that will only end up robbing our minds once again.
This girl even master-bated in front of him, grabbed his parts and apparently not even that worked and flat tent. He just said, “Let me know when your done, I’m going outside to have a cigarettes, perhaps you will be into thinking more deeply after you got that out of your system.”
Then there was another model that asked to stay at his place. She apparently called him in the middle of the night, which he did not like at all, so he ignored her call.
She then wrote him the next day apologizing for how late she called; she had no idea it was so late there as in the states it was only the afternoon. His response was, Well I am glad you realized that the world is not flat and is a sphere.” Then he said she could not stay with him and she was so shocked she had never been turned down before and she sent many sexy pictures to Diego all to no avail.
You will never catch Diego looking at sexy girls online or anything like that.
Most people think if a guy does not check out a girl then he must be gay but this was not the case with Diego either. It turns out he was not gay at all. Though he has had offers from other men he has always turned them down. He has only been with woman. Actually he has had a lot of girl friends; he has not really been single since he was 15. Most of his ex girlfriends are all good friends with him; they all keep in touch with him to this day.
Diego is just totally secure in him self in that way. Even when I walked, I have this way I walk which is a wiggle that is considered attractive to most men. But to him I walked like a duck (I walk with my feet inverted. Both my feet turn in on the inside rather then outside.) Sometimes Diego would photo-shop pictures with my head on a ducks body. I actually really like when a men does not make comments like your sexy or hot, its mostly a turn off to me as it seems they do not care what you have to say or care what kind of person you are just that your hot. I will only talk to you if your hot, that always irked me. So I have to confess I started getting off by turning men off I would tell others I would not be interested in a guy unless he was able to give me a heart-on.
Anyway its one thing for some random guy to call you hot like a cheesy pick up line but when your interested in but when someone is your partner then its fine for them to say your hot and all those compliments, its most welcome then, so I thought.
Oh what the heck what is the point of all the letters he wrote to me, all the things he did and said, the many attempts to get me to consider being his partner if your not interested in sexy times with them? It just did not make sense to me. We were both interested in each other so what gives? Why doesn’t he want me? I do not want anyone else. Most us think if they love you and you love them the next logical thing to do is sex right? Nope. This is what I mean with us saying we do not want the cliché but secretly we actually do.
I started to get really curious curious since it seemed I was not able to turn him on with my physical form I wondered what is sexy to him?
He thinks Mystique in the X-men movie is sexy but not when she is in her human form but when she in her blue form with yellow eyes of course. (Interesting side note, that at first seemed like a coincidence but now I am pretty sure its not. Or how his ex girlfriend has a similar name and facial expressions as me.
Anyway I decided to ask Diego more about what is sexy to him, with Eo present in the room at the time, Diego’s response made both of us break down into laughter, he said, “a tranisourus-rex in a pink mini skirt is sexy to him.” And yes he was completely serious.
Then he said, “I think it’s cute how you walk Jessica, you walk like a dinosaur.” (Oh how romantic, that’s what a girl wants to hear.) “But, I said, you said I walk like a duck?”
“To which he responded what do you think a dinosaur is?” (Touché.)
All right so he likes my walk, that helps, but its not enough, I wanted him to want me as bad as I wanted him. So how do you seduce a guy like Diego? What turns him on? A girl that is not confused or she is at least willing to work at that. This represents intelligence to him. I heard him say he rather be partners with a woman in her 80s who had some ruins of intelligence sensitivity and creativity then a young sexy confused girl who does not know how to think.
So what gives I thought? Why would he touch me like an ipod, he seemed so interested in my body, ask me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, have me and Eo with him for free, write me these letters that were so beautiful, and yet when I when I finally decided to give into him, he was not interested? What gives, was he playing hard to get or something? This also then made me suddenly very intrigued about his previous girl friends. What where they like? What was their relationship like? How did they handle Diego? What could they advice me about this enigma in black?
First thing I needed to figure out was Eo, perhaps I could suggest him to try sleeping at another place for a bit just to give him a break from being on the floor. Of course I made it seem like I was doing a good deed for Eo but my true intentions were I wanted Diego alone and all to myself. We only had a few more weeks till Eo was heading back to Australia but I was getting restless and more and more hot and bothered. Ok I know I was cold and frigid with him before. I am like that when it comes to all guys until I decide to give them a chance in a relationship. Which does not happen often, but when it does the guy better look out, because then I flip to the other side of that pendulum. We hold back and hold back our sex drive but when it’s finally free the person of our interest better look out.
I really started to wonder, it was clear to me that Diego was actually telling the truth to me when he said sex was the last thing he wanted from me. Ok he wanted my freedom, I knew that, but what did it mean what did it look like? The more I got to know him I could clearly see he was not really interested in my personality, my body, or my mystic side, he was not so interested in having my love, he did not want my heart, no he was interested in something else, and that was my unconscious mind and my relationship I was having myself inside my mind. Now that is tricky thing because one is not aware of their unconscious mind yet he some how is. So what exactly did it mean? Why does that mean something to him? What does a relationship mean to him?
When I finally did have Diego alone, even after Eo had left there was another thing that came up that put the brakes on again of us being intimate. And that was that I was trapped in the past every kiss and touch sent my mind back in time when I was with my ex. The memories were so strong they always forced them selves to the for-front of my mind, destroying any chance for a tender present moment to be had between us. Since Diego knew my mind and the pictures coming up it was clear that this was not going to work, until the 3rd person could be left out, the pictures and the thoughts in my mind during times of potential intimacy. He even saw when I was thinking shallow thoughts about our bodies, which would ruin the moment. Its not easy to always remind yourself that the person your with can see your thoughts, careful not to fall into negligent conditioned thinking.
It was clear the past had to be removed from the equation there must a clean slate.
For him his mind pictures and feelings during intimacy were not based on lust or past partners or any of those things. His intimacy acts with me were never made derogatory or perverted with messed up fantasies like so many tend to cultivate now a days, that leave one or the other partner prostituted or feeling used and thus empty. For example kisses and touching of my elbow brought him to a field of flowers, my cheeks brought images to him of leafs falling in slow motion, and so every body part was some serenity of nature. The micro of the macro our body is a micro version of a planet so it would make sense that when totally clear in our mind that touches lead us back to nature images in our mind and not kinky sex images that take us away from our natural pure nature.
This was frustrating for me because it seemed so easy for him and challenging for me. How do I think with out the past? Or at least without the same thinking that created the past? More riddles and more motivation for me to dismantle. It was not about to have sexy times or being in a relationship with Diego, it was about my mind and how poor I was in there. How much I had been robbed and living a counterfeit existence of life and experiences, how it should be rather then how it really is to the point that we cannot seem to see past our own confusion walls we put up. He kept reminding me it was not about our relationship but my relationship with myself. But I am not just sharing about all this for myself, because I know so many others have had the same thing happen to them as well. Some of these things are so subtle no one even bothers to think about them or question them anymore we just assume its natural but its not at all. So if I dismantle this to and get to the bottom of this then perhaps it can also help others to dismantle the same thing? If I’m able to recognize and see the tired old pattern and break it maybe I can make this collective wave of historical collective conditioning a little less strong. Maybe I can be a pioneer in my own mind, and then if I can do it then others will feel more inspired to do the same. Surely when one fully understands then another can and another till many help me break this damb damn. It is what as known as the hundred monkey effect.
Chapter: 8 Adventures with Eo
The following are highlight posts written by Eo from his perspective about his time with us. It was nice to have Eo with me in the early times of my meeting Diego. I am also sharing this to give you an idea of the outer life in Bali adventures to be had things to do and the relationship we all had with each other. When I share things I like for it not to be bias I like to give as many perspectives as I can. That being said we had a lot of fun together. One time a Balinese neighbor asked Diego who Eo was? He responded with, “He is my son.” and the locals believed him I also adding, “and I’m his mom.” Other times I would say I was Eo’s grandmother or 3rd niece 2wice removed: D
a) Relations With Nature: – The other day me jess and Diego found a large beetle and when Diego picked it up by its back, is screeched and I was baffled as I never have heard a bug like this anywhere, that showing a bug that could screech, or make such sounds that actually sounded like a static TV/radio channel. Very amazing! Jess thought maybe he was swearing at us in beetle language.
b) Frogs & Dragonflies: – Jess and I were standing by Diego’s pond and Jess was said, “I wonder where the frogs are?” Then from nowhere, seriously, from nowhere! a frog landed on the veranda from who knows were. When we went down to schnookm this little being, I wondered what its like to see through its eyes, and so I tried to do just that. Then it turned its head at me and jumped on me and wanted to be on me.
A few days before jess was teaching me how to communicate with the dragonfly, by bobbing your head in the same way it does to you and it will bob back either the same or do a new kind of bob that it will challenge you to do as well. I went out side again later on the same day observing the space behind the bushes and a dragonfly landed right on a leaf directly in front of me. I thought hmm, I wonder what its like to see the world through its eyes, and I bobbed my head. And guess what do you know what it did? It bobbed its head quickly right back and flew off. It was a very magical experience nearly left me in tears because it was more then the dragonfly and I. I’ve never experienced having animals respond to me like that before, it was the relations with nature.
c) White Water Rafting: – I had an awesome day rafting with jess and this hilarious Balinese rafter instructor who kept laughing hysterically when he tricked or distracted us then he would make the boat bump into rocks. He had the funniest laugh ever hahahahahahhaha. Also he was trying out ways to pick up Jess from the get go. Diego of course did not come but me and Jess were laughing imagining how he would be if he was there with us dressed all in black smoking a cigarette as we did our best impressions of his thick Italian accent and our favorite saying from him “I can but why?” XD Jess and I decided to be tricky as we wanted to merge with the energy of the jungle surrounding, so at one point we sat back and relaxed while we were supposed to be paddling ‘helping the raft move’ hahaha well it was fun while it lasted. Amazing breathtaking scenery! It’s a shame, I didn’t have waterproof camera. These moments can be captured again, as I’m pretty sure we’ll go back. But wow such an amazing energy in the canyons powerful and free the bright colored electric blue birds with bright red beaks and the monkeys in the trees as we rafted passed. Here is one of the video I made with Eo at this time, there are more but I have yet to put them up. Maybe I will get around to it soon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWtMDANQNpY
-The rest of the posts are by me-
d) Snorkeling: – I Took Eo snorkeling today he confessed he never had done it before except in a pool. So today he got to experience the life in the ocean rainbow diversity show first hand. I myself have snorkeled a couple times so for me the highlight was not the fish but seeing Eo’s face and how happy he was swimming in the water like a fish looking like some exotic merman himself. Oh i was happy to be there to give him these first experiences. I absolutely love experiencing others joy second hand it shoots my joy through the roof. I love finding out what people love the most and finding unique fun ways to surprise them and bring those dreams about.
e) Orphanage & Green School: -We also went to an orphanage and it wasn’t very good. We went there because I liked the idea of traveling and visiting orphanages, I managed to do it in the Philippians, and that was interesting but this was awkward, as it was my exes mothers orphanage that she helped fund, and she made me promise her when I went to Bali I would go there and look in on them. But this orphanage was pretty depressing and the boys and me did not feel comfortable with the energy there, it felt more like church or a school then an orphanage.
I much more preferred The Green School that is here. It’s a school that’s based around permaculture, and educating the children on free energy, and ways to exist in harmony with nature. There are even farm animals all around so the kids can learn first hand. The school is made entirely out of bamboo and is mostly in the trees, it’s kind of a tree fort school. Talk about making school cool. The school holds free tours once a week however; it’s not cheap to put your kids in this school. For more information here is the website. http://www.greenschool.org/ or you can watch this video http://www.ted.com/talks/john_hardy_my_green_school_dream.html
f) Videos with Diego & I: – It was also around this time that Diego and I did two videos one was about judgment because I was talking about Diego a lot on my facebook and the love and lightworkers were saying Diego was evil when they looked at pictures of him. So we made this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rK3NKoHE5U
Then we made another video on relationships because we were also getting lots of questions from others about our relationship and our advice on them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpCjtWoK4nY
g) Night Out & Permaculture in Bali: –Today we attended some Balinese festivities. There were many people that were very loud and an obnoxious boisterous speaker. We are all very sensitive to things like this and can not stay in places like this for very long, as I start to burn up my hands fire out orb like energy balls and I can not help but tuck myself into a ball in the corner of the crowd and just observe. So a party and club person I am so not. I never could handle the energy at places like that. Good thing I had my boys Eo & Diego to look out for me. Diego introduced me to a really interesting person; he lives in the north of Spain on a per-ma culture eco community. He told me its a place where anyone can come and stay for free and learn a whole bunch of interesting things about per ma-culture as well. They live with out money and are in people are respected and not worked like dogs feeling forced and pressure to earn their keep. so anyone looking for an eco community to live in and you have little to no money this may be the place for you. If you do go please let me know how you find it so i can further promote and look in on it. here is the links. i will see if i can interview the guy as well. http://cantabriaaltermundista.wordpress.com/
h) Diego’s Observations Living with Eo & I: – I Actually spent most of my time with Eo. I was gone everyday with him doing stuff. I later found out it was challenging for Diego to have us both staying at his place. We were both negligent in our own ways. I one time told Diego I was going out for an hour and did not come back for 3 days which is pretty bad, when he told me I did this I was not even aware. I am guessing at that time I thought this was freedom to come and go as I pleased. I did not have a phone and did not want to have one. I would just show up randomly which I can see now is not very considerate. Eo always complained about Diego smoking saying he was allergic to Diego’s smoke and he should stop, as it is not healthy for him or for others to be exposed to. I myself did not feel it was fair to say that to Diego it was his place and if he wanted to smoke that was his thing. It’s not fair to push a person to do something you want them to do, because it matches your ideal values. Diego is who he is, you have to take him as he is, or it’s not going to work. Eo also would make messes for Diego, leaving lots of dirty tissue everywhere, which Diego did not appreciate very much. Diego also did all the cooking and cleaning to, (well Diego’s idea of clean.) It was not that Diego wanted us to clean or anything like that, he just wanted us to be able to observe ourselves. How it was a reflection of our inner mess and lack of self-awareness and neglected relationship with our perception. He wanted us to observe how we lived and thought and inquire why are we like this, why do we do what we do. He sat waiting patiently for us to clue in on, but at that time like I said I was gone everyday with Eo looking for some adventures to be had and shared before he had to leave and go back to Australia. I guess I wanted his time here his first trip to be special and he did not want to hang out with anyone but me so I felt compelled to be with him, all the time he seemed to be waiting for me while Diego seemed to always be busy in his own world. Until one day when Diego brought it to my attention. I said, “I’m just living life and experiencing fun, it’s a good way to pass the time. Besides you never want to come with us it seems you always have something else to do anyway, so I make myself busy to.” He said, “I’m not busy, I’m waiting.” “Really, I said, well you could have fooled me what are you waiting for exactly?” He said “You, I have been waiting you, I have been waiting for you, for a long time, even when your right next to me in my bed, and I here I am still waiting for you.” “Really, I said, because I have been waiting for you to. I just thought you were busy with something and well I did not want to bother you so I thought I would make the most of my time. But if you’re waiting for me and I’m already here, what do you mean by this, because I’m here.” “Not fully, he said, you need to be fully here, not always hiding yourself in distractions. I’m waiting for you to be here fully, ready and willing to understand. But Diego, “That is what I am here for, that’s what I have been doing all this time.” “No its still an entertainment for you, something to write about but its more then that its your life and your other life you have forgotten about, it’s the whole world to and all who exist in it. Can you see it? Can you see it past all the special effects and smoke mirrors?” What do you mean I asked what special effects are you talking about?” He said with a subtle smile on his face, “Perhaps its better to show you maybe then you will see what I am getting at, and maybe not. It could distract you as well then it will take you even more time to understand.”
Chapter: 9 Abilities or Distractions?
Chapter Disclaimer: – I actually wrote this chapter 7 months ago but most of it got deleted and I thought I would rewrite it but never did and now I see why I delayed myself in posting something like this. As this can be easily misunderstood and end up putting Diego on a pedestal the very pedestal I have worked hard to remove myself from. Please understand to think that Diego is special or gifted because he can do things that bend the mind is hazardous for the psyche. As then one starts to think in separation comparing and frustration. Everyone can do these things when they understand and deal with their confusion. Yes there are others who can still do such things in confusion but that become a mess and exploitation more on that later. To want to be able to have abilities because they are cool or will be used to escape or distract the mind should not be the reason for one to want to do such things. Please do not write Diego asking him how he does such things he will either not answer you or like in the first chapter of this blog Diego will have you thinking behind what you think you want, and why you want it, which can sometimes really freak a person out. A person can have abilities when they are confused but its very dangerous. So please do not think that having abilities will help you in some way. Diego does not want psychic abilities to be the focus of what we are all about either, it’s just a small side effect when one dismantles. I fell into the same trap of putting him on a pedestal and felt so inferior thinking I have such a long way to go in order to think and be like that. Which is comparing and that is something he has told me never to do, as it will just lead to more confusion and frustration, he was right about that more on that in the next blog. As I have pretty much done what he has suggested not to do, maybe just to understand, our because I am at the mercy of historical patterns, or maybe because I suspected reverse psychology was necessary in order to understand if observing others do it is not enough.
The main reason I am sharing this about him, (after I asked his permission, though he rather I not write about this as he is concerned that others will care more about abilities then their psychological freedom.), is because all my life I have met so many people interested in psychic abilities that it’s a major reason spirituality has become so appealing to the masses. Following this and that spiritual person, master, guru, techniques, method, book, ritual, routine, religion, inner child, starseeds, conspiracies magic, prayer, alien abduction, gods, divine, kundalini merkabah, tantra, positivity, love, light, values, mediation, yoga, crystals, diet etc. all in hopes of becoming enlightened and developing psychic abilities. Yet Diego is a guy who has never given a damn about those things or people or deities in fact he even goes as far to discourage people from perusing that route, as he can clearly see a danger in it that few are able to see. Diego really makes all those things seem ridiculous and makes you ask yourself what the heck are we doing? Diego does not preach on any of the above things yet he is able to do the things we have only read about or have yet to fathom. I see so many ridicule him and get upset with what he shares but I know those people are a mess and really do have no clue what they are saying, Diego constantly brings that to my attention every time. So to me that confirms that Diego indeed lives his talk fully. Even when he uses his abilities, it’s never to show off or show what he can do to impress or exploit himself or others, in anyway that are also a very impressive, rare and sexy, it should even be considered an ability in itself. As most of the people who do have such psychic abilities, when its not a fake, tend to exploit themselves or others in one way or another be it making a profit off it or showing off etc. To Diego that is totally stupid and not only a waste of energy but also a prostitution of energy and it will lead to confusion more traps and more limbos.
a) Humanities Psychology on Psychic Abilities: – Diego and me have been watching movies like ‘Phenomena,’ ‘Chronicle’ & ‘Powder’ These are movies about X-Men with some amazing super powers. So many people dream of being able to do such things. Oh we have heard the stories of the masters and the things they have been able to do. We want to do the same so we study everything we can on spirituality metaphysics esoteric ancient teachings etc. Oh how great it would be to have such abilities to fly and move stuff with our mind. X- men and Chronicles are interesting movies because they represent people who have such powers but mentally and emotionally are not mature enough to handle such. And thus end up being used and abused as super soldiers to fight in battles caught in duality mentality good verses evil cliché. It’s all so insecure. If they did their inner work (and I don’t mean meditate) then this would not be the case they would not be used to play the old tired game out yet again and instead find ourselves living in psychological peace. Then what would you do with your abilities if you had peace and no conflict no super villain to take on? Rather then not feeding either polarity and making peace with in so in order to have no more mirror reflected projected conflict. We can finally evolve beyond that. Nowadays so many want abilities to prove themselves that they can that they are enlightened or special, so they can show it off and get some fame money and power. The ones who do have such powers that I know keep it real hush and only tell ones who they can trust to not put them on the spot and pedestal they tell the ones who can see past such to the truth of it all. They do not want to have such abilities shared as party tricks then to the freak show circus of separation games. The ones that have peace inside do not want the attention and they teach by example but it seems most do not want to think or understand more deeply about this, they just want miracles from them. Then people start to feel inferior, how come they can do this but I cannot they must be someone special. Imagine people with abilities struggled with being liked more for what they can do rather then who they are as a person. So people start to think perhaps they can help me with this or to heal that. The ones who are legit tend to have a demeanor and characteristics, insight and compassion like the movie Phenomena and Powder. They want only simple things like to go home, or to ‘get out’ and live their life peacefully, quietly, but when others find out that someone has abilities then they immediately want a piece of them expecting them to fix and heal all their problems. People tend to become fanatics and worshipers all to fast and it’s a scary thing like in the movie “Phenomena” when the John Travolta’s character went public trying to calmly explain how things work and the people became maniac. Or in the movie Powder how quick people were to get freaked out and make all kinds of judgments, fear and violence. When people like Powder help it tends to be looked over because it comes from humble means or beyond explanation or a pure heart, it’s too hard to explain and analyze and yet its too simple for such complex comprehension construction of life based on measures and meanings alone, its just not enough to understand. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who was like Powder?
Scientist tend to want to analyze their brains thinking that there they may find the answers oh they say think of what a contribution you will make to science. But sorry scientists, we are not our brains and the answers are not there, try again. The abilities come from the understanding of energy the oneness of it all (actual oneness which is unpleasant to digest not the rhetorical fake oneness that the masses preach now a days.) and the communication with it, it’s a matter of being bilingual in energy and all life forms tongue, such as math, binary, and algorithms, from organic to inorganic these are the things I have felt but could not quite do it, until I witnessed Diego in action of such. To Diego abilities are boring its not as interesting or as important as dismantling confusion its clear that is were his passion and focus is. which is why he writes buckets of letters posts in hopes people will eventually understand what he is trying to say. I am doing my best to help him with this.
The following are some things I have witnessed him do, with his full understanding and integrations of the things he shares, he lives as well, he does indeed walk his talk and the results are as follows.
b) Patience: – First of all there are things that some may not think is an ability but to me it is, such as Diego’s patience, I have never seen anyone as patient as him its almost inhuman. He seems to have a vast understanding of things beyond fathoming, and he rarely gets angry not for the things that most people get angry for at least. To him crying or getting angry over a cause is not worth the energy nor does it lead to any understanding or to see clearly what is really going on and why it happens. All the times I got upset with him and tried to pick a fight with him he was nothing but kind and gentle and forgiving he did not hold any grudges or anything like that, nor did he ever take it personally, he would not get involved in such frustrations either. However that does not mean he would just take anger directed at him either he would just turn it back at me. He wanted me to have room to make my mistakes in hopes that I would understand and inquire what is behind such circular thinking age-old patterns and where exactly is this coming from. I’m not saying find some reason that happened in the past as to why we are certain way, as it does not matter what happened to us in our past it’s the past. So many say for example I struggle and am depressed cause I was raped in the past but that’s not why they struggle, they struggle because of the relationship we have with the memory we let it haunt us and rape us rather then have our memories just serve as data bank of experiences to understand no we just relive the same memories over and over and cry about it just like a Groundhog day movie existence. Even if we were not raped we still rape ourselves with our memories any memories that allows the past or misty ideals from others to confiscate our life our sensitivity and our imagination.
The only thing that Diego he would not tolerate with me was apathy or what he calls self commiseration when I got like this he would do things that were unexpected which would kind of shock me so that I could snap out of that funk. I would get upset with him because sometimes when I get like this I would just want to be held by him and comforted telling me everything would be alright, but he never would. Being held has always been a big thing to me I always talked about it in everything that I did. I did I even ended all my emails with warm embrace laced in grace, I traveled the world holding and comforting so many I expected that the man I choose to be with would do the same for me. This was not the case with Diego, I do not know why I keep comparing him to other guys and what others do in relationships because as you see that this is anything but a typical relationship and Diego is not like any other guy either. He wanted me to see what self commiseration is related to which is consensus (getting others to agree with your apathy and feel for you, to give you the attention and affection you need as it’s a drug that is called for when one is feeling insecure and does not want to think past this but to cover it up or pass the time) and self commiseration is related to confirmation, false self esteem and confidence, which is a hoax to him. I really struggled with this one, as I could not understand why he would not give me such drugs even just a little bit so I could feel better. I mean come on must everything we do and think be a lesson in dismantling?
c) Sight: – Diego also can see very far away almost as if he can zoom in and out of things he one time informed me of a coin on a roof that was so far away I was like how the heck can you see that then he went on to say which coin it was and what was on it, when I checked this I found he was accurate. He can see in this way because of an accident he had where he lost some of his hearing and due to him being slightly deaf in one ear. It has been known if one loses one sense then the others get stronger and to make up for what is lacking. That is indeed the case with Diego. But I do not know of anyone else slightly deaf that can see like an owl can see.
d) Creativity: – His creativity is an ability in itself, as it seems to know no bounds and have no end. He is always using his creativity and mind together in one way or another. He is always understanding with out learning new things with out forcing himself, he always makes it fun and interesting for himself keeping in mind the wholeness of the mind and how everything connects to everything else and how it all works. He loves finding new ways to do things. It’s really interesting for me to observe this observer in active peace action. He is always inventing some ‘MacGyver’ contraption always only using what’s available around the house or dissecting problems. For example he took a broken umbrella, a tin can, some broken CDs, broken phone, some coins, and Pringles chip container followed by some tin foil put it all together somehow to make some device that greatly improves our shitty internet connection. At one point I will take a picture of it but I am kind of nervous to go near it because I one time dropped it and he had fix it.
Diego draws and paints constantly he makes clay sculptures. His two art influences are Monniae and Rene Magritte. (Apparently Rene was successful in ‘getting out.’) Diego also writes and makes digital pictures every day. He always has to decorate or modify any conventional device into his own thing. He does not create for anyone but himself. He does not care what others think; he is very focused on cultivating his own inner world. He will not change his work for anyone. He is always thinking, perceiving, feeling, creating, communicating and creating. His art is always not just art but mathematics and science higgs boson and so much more, its so complex detailed layered and coded; sometimes when I ask him to explain to me his newest photoshop (actually its gimp software he uses) picture or drawing/painting if and when I can get past his classified response, its always rather advanced and above my head it pushes me to remove more layers to understand better but its not easy. He makes videos, teaches himself new software, he once made a 7 hour documentary all by himself done in English even though he just started learning English called ‘The Dormant Awaken’ that was filmed in India, Singapore and Bali. His English in that documentary is funny but still very good; he is adorable in this documentary and you can see how passionate he is about his message and how he gives people a voice that has never had a voice before. His lips seem to have a personality all its own. Here is the link to it. http://endoffear.weebly.com/the-dormant-awaken.html
His creativity is a precise technology to him and it has more then one use then what is perceived. He seems to not care about the results of what he creates he can throw them out no problem the most important thing is the journey while he is creating and that time he can exist outside of mind outside of the known having a relationship with his imagination and beyond co-creating with what he calls is the total mind that seem to make doors from one realm to another, more on that later.
e) Seeing Through my Eyes-Diego is so attentive there seems to be nothing that he misses even when it comes to seeing out of my own eyes. One night while I was on my computer sitting in the bed and he was on the other side of the room working at his desk he asked me softly, “Who is that brown haired girl your looking at?” I was a bit taken aback, I responded with, “What, what do you mean?” He said, ‘On your screen right now.” I was not able to make sense of it, how could see my screen there is no way to see my screen from where we were both sitting. “How can you see her I said?” He said, “Through your eyes, just like I could with the cards, its just ether wifi.” “So your seeing through my eyes right now? I flipped to another page asked him what I was looking at and he knew what it was right away. Is that how your able to know so much about my past to and how your able to describe people and places in such detail that I faintly can remember?” “Classified he said. (funny I did not feel invaded or spied on in anyway it just made sense somehow to me and was even comforting after I got over the logical brains shock and conditioning to how one should react to such revelations.) “Ok. I said, going back to the first girl I was looking at on facebook. It was one of my friends. “What can you tell me about her and then he started to say things about her that I did not know about. So I decided to have a conversation with her only to find out that Diego was accurate even about some picture she posted of this strange language she saw from a dream that she tried to decipher through a pictogram. When I shared it with her she was very touched. After that I started to get very curious about certain people particularly the ones that were mysteriously drawn to me but did not know why. I showed Diego their picture to see what he got. It was so fascinated that I started to share him pictures of famous spiritual speakers, the things he was able to perceive was almost unreal. Though I do know how much can be revealed by just a picture of a person and how much the eyes say but there was always only so far I could go sometimes I myself was accurate and other times not at all. I mean if we are good at people reading then we could avoid so many unnecessary situations and confusions that certain people bring that we associate ourselves with. We live in a time where everyone is an actor, so many conning each other. Trying to make them think they are something they are not. We all do this in our life, its part of our conditioning package, as we con ourselves first and foremost. If we could read people this well and see right directly into them or see out of their eyes; then so many could use that to their advantage when it comes to gambling like poker for example. When I brought this up to Diego, he said, “I could be a millionaire many times over, if I really wanted to. But I would never do it. First of all I never want to be controlled or motivated to do anything because of bloody money. That’s on the bottom of my priority list, I just do what I feel or what comes to me and the money and opportunities comes from people being inspired by what they see. (I understand this I always felt the same and lived this way. I was never trying to make money it was the side effect of putting myself out there in the way I did, sharing like I am now, its not work its just a natural part of me a passion of mine.) The second reason he said is because its prostitution when you force your creativity your energy or abilities to work so as to get money that comes with a price of losing something else. It must not feel like work but a pleasure or something natural that comes to us. As you see there is always a heavy price for exploiting our abilities (he prefers to call it vsionariness or sensitivity) which are natural, we are nature we must not exploit our natural abilities on such petty things they are not there for us to make a profit, no integral beings care about helping people make a profit it’s a collective mind manufactured delusion that we should not feed, if we can help it. Most of the time when natural talents or abilities are used in this way or exploited then a person looses them and so they are left to live in the memories of the time when they had them. Or their ability turns into an illness that eats away at them until they die. This is the most common one that is going on today. These what you call abilities are like seeds that you must cultivate inside you privately let no marketing company or organization know about them because then others will use and abuse those abilities/seeds and they will be gone and replaced with something fake. That’s why the ones who are really able to bend reality stay silent about it, they do not show off or use it to get money or attention, to prove something, or even to get consensus, not even to help or heal others they do not care about these things in some ways they are beyond these things and they know the traps that come with thinking in that way. The people who can do such things or understand this know to not get involved in other people confusions and collective delusions.
-f) Storms Earthquakes & the Ocean:- Another night while it was raining pretty heavy I hid up stairs laid in blankets he was downstairs but he seemed to be downstairs for a while so I decided to see what he was up to. He was making some conductor gestures and then he would stop suddenly point to the sky and crack a loud thunder sound would be heard and he would have that smile of knowing then his arms would move again like a conductor and then stop now the other hand pointed out and the sky would suddenly split and be lit up with pink lighting. He kept doing this and he was consistent all the way through. Then he said, “Why don’t you try, you can do it to. All you have to do is talk to the storm, feel it, clear your clouds of confusion, let yourself free to merge your energy with the storm; after all it’s a projection of your mind. It starts there, can you find that part of your mind that makes the storms?” Shortly after he said that I fell into the rhythm of the storm. I was not sure if I knew the lightning was coming or if I was creating it in that moment. But it did not matter to know how, or why, it was more exhilarating to be able to do it, and switch from thunder and lightning when I wanted, or from heavy rain to light soft rain, warm rain or cold rain. It was indeed a musical concert of feeling. I’m not sure how I was able to be so consistent at that time maybe because I was more sure of myself at the time later on I started to over think and push these things to happen and thus it did not work so easily. “Storms he said, are like magic eye but for ears it’s a language to. I was enchanted at the idea of having this real live X-men that was able to control the weather. “No its not control he said its co-creation co-communication co-understanding all those things are just the opposite of control. When we try to do something with the intent to control its an act of violence except in technical cases like driving a car. It does not just stop at storms either but for anything. He then asked me casually, would you like an earthquake?” “Uh what, no of course not,” I said. “Why not? He said. Look it does not have to be a big one, you just assumed it did and the fear got in the way of you thinking more deeply on this.” I remember sometimes Diego would feel light headed and dizzy. I asked him, “if he was ok?” He said, “I’m fine. I’m just feeling an earthquake somewhere in the world.” It mostly was a day in advance he knew; often he could feel the location of it. He always knew the size and which kind of quake it was to somehow. This reminded me of the movie ‘Phenomenon’ again. In the movie the main character could also feel earthquakes before they happened in the same way Diego did. I started to understand better why Diego felt compelled to show me that movie, as there were lots of parallels with Diego and John in that movie, even with the creativity and inventions. Well not the reading part Diego never reads anything. “Yes, he said making earthquakes is possible.” “Ok I said but why would one want to do that? What good comes from doing that? I challenged him. I was feeling a bit scared of him. I had this idea of earthquakes being a bad thing. Well that’s all that was conditioned to me as a kid growing up in Vancouver BC Canada. I was kept in constant fear of ‘THE BIG ONE.’ He said, Jess, when you sit for too long after awhile your body needs to move at some point. It’s the same with the planets body. Anyway you know how you feel uncomfortable on one side of the front yard well its cause that was the side the earthquake we had here effected the most. Yes its that same earthquake is what knocked down the cigarette castle. It also made a crack in the earth and in the pond, you can still see the crack in the wall there.” Then he pointed out to me the cracks. “Oh so that’s how it happened, and the other crack right at the entrance to? I love that crack so much because it’s a big thick piece of cement split in two and on the other side is lush jungle.” Yes he said, “it’s just like the cement walls in our psyche that must crack in order for us to see and live on the other side of the wall.”
When we went to the beach, I would do some drawings in the sand and no sooner did I realize that Diego was paying attention a big wave would come and wash away my drawing. Diego had that smile on his lips and I was thinking no way, he was just lucky I will make another and right away it was gone in a wave. I went further from the shore and still he had a wave wash my drawing away. I shook my fist and said, “Ok its your turn.” He went really close to the shore and drew a circle around him and some symbols and sat their with both his fingers in the sand while I tried my hardest to call a giant wave to wash not only his circle away but him as well. I tried for over a half an hour. Most of the waves seemed promising at first but always died out when it came to his blasted circle. Until he got up and stepped out side of the circle then and only then did waves come and instantly washed away his circle. So many times we played this game every time we went to the beach and it was always the same. I have not yet been able to get the waves to wash away his stupid circle while he is in it.
g) Warping & Melting- Often times when we would go out to eat I would be lost in conversation with him while he was listening but doing something else. He had a fork in his hand that he was bending and warping. For some reason when I realized what he was doing I wanted to touch it and so when I reached for it I got burnt. That fork was very hot I actually got a serious burn from it. How was Diego able to hold such a hot fork with out burning himself to? “It does not bother me, he said, I do not feel it.” I felt his hands they to were very hot. “Ok I said, I understand about conducting heat energy. That’s what happens when I do a jessage, my hands heat up so much that I also end up heating the whole house; even if it’s the dead of winter there is no need to make a fire when I’m doing a jessage, and it will stay that hot for at least 3 days. But I did not think to try to melt cutlery with that heat. Is that how you did it?” I asked. He said, “find out for yourself, here you try.” He handed me a fork of my own and try as I did. I was not able to bend that dumb fork, not even a little bit, and I have freakishly strong man hands to. I was not even able to unbend Diego’s fork, which was bent in a way to be like fingers all folded down except the middle one, to indicate fuck you. it was pretty funny especially when we decided to leave the forks for the staff to find a nice fork you.
Another time when I brought back this sort of cooler bag from some person that was making gossip about us. She just left it for us at her homestay, I did not ask for it back so I decided to take it to our house but when Diego saw it he asked me, “Why bring this here? Its garbage.” “Yes, maybe so, as it is moldy, but I thought I could clean it up, after all it’s a nice bag.” “No he, said its garbage look again, and then he put his hands on the bag and it started to melt before my eyes. Then after about 2 minutes he went back in the house leaving me to investigate the bag on a closer look I could see finger and hand prints of where the melting took place. I immediately thought of the X-men that had fire coming out of the their hands, melting objects.
h) The Bike Battery- Its rare for us to do drives on the motorbike in the night; here in Bali cars are not a very necessary the means of transport, most everyone has a motorbike. It’s a nice feeling to cruise around in the rice fields with the breeze in your face especially on hot nights when you just want to get some air. Most of the time I let Diego when he wants to do a night drive go on his own as its usually that he just goes down the road to get an extra beer or it’s a tiny cute bag of potato chips for his salt craving he usually has. Sometimes he asks me to come on his night trips, I am welcome to come anytime, but certain times he wants me to come for some specific reason he has. After getting the beer and baby potato chip bag, he then decided he wanted to cruise more. This is when I really started to like night biking with him. Though Bali is a totally different entity in the night and the locals are creepier in some ways. This night though no one was out it was very peaceful and actually even romantic; especially when we cruised by the rice fields only to see them lit up by hundreds of fireflies. When we got off the bike to sit some where and enjoy the silence; Diego would be taking pictures of spirits he could see that would show up on camera so then I could see them to, and no they were not just orbs but shadowy beings with defined bodies and various forms of light where their was no light. On our drive back the bikes suddenly stopped. He tried to start it many times but to no avail. It was clear the battery was totally dead. We were far out in a small village in the middle of nowhere. There was no one we could ask to assist us. So I started to think about walking back. “We could do it pushing or walking the bike back?” I said trying to be a good sport about it and trying to help. “ Or, I said, we can call someone to come and get us, and then leave the bike here and come back for it in the morning.” Diego did not like any of these options. “That will not be necessary.” he said. “But what will we do?” I asked. He then moved the bike to a street light post and put his hand on the bikes license plate (he needed to touch a metal part of the bike), and instantly the light went out and Diego was able to start the bike. It was working, but it was moving slowly and there was not much power. So as we were moving slowly on down the road, Diego kept putting his hand up to every street light and they would turn off and the bike got even faster and stronger. He did this with about 4 or 6 lights or so before the bike was riding like normal and we were able to get home no problem. I looked at him in amazement and he said, “What we are all energy, why not work with it in that way as well?” “Yes why not.” I said.
i) Broken Glass- Another night I had broken a glass and I cleaned it and threw it in the garbage. Diego fished it out of the garbage and put it outside on the table. Ok I thought another object for him to use for some art creation, that’s cool. I wonder what he will make with it? Later on that night, I saw a glass on the table that was not broken and Diego started to pour beer in it. I was shaking my head I was sure that was the broken glass that was there so I went in the house and checked for it there, it was not in the garbage either nor was it anywhere out side and I watched Diego drink the beer from the glass I was sure that was the broken glass. Its not possible to pour beer in that glass because the way it was broken in a perfect vertical half, its not possible for even one drop to stay in that glass. I knew he did not glue it back together because there were no cracks and he was not holding or hiding any part of the glass either. He knew I was looking for the broken glass, that I suspected the glass in his hand was the broken glass somehow. I just sensed it so I watched him very carefully as he was drinking he was walking to the edge of the patio towards the pond and when he got there suddenly the beer was pouring out onto the ground it was indeed the broken glass as it was now exactly how it was before.
j) My Unconscious Mind- Another night while I was lounging in the hammock, feeling sad that I was not to understand so many things that Diego was trying to convey, I was just so frustrated with this. I was thinking about Diego and how he always said to understand with out learning and the more my mind tried to understand this the more upset I got. Diego as if on cue, came down and picked up a piece of paper and said, “I am thinking of a word and writing down some letters right now I want you to tell me what those letters are?” I got really nervous about this, I really do not like being on the spot I lose all confidence. “I cannot do this.” I said, I really do not know what that word is. I’m not you; I cannot do these things. “Just try.” he said. I then started spouting out random letters that were coming to me. He wrote them all down as I said them and he said, “wow.” “What, I said did I get it?” “No, he said, in fact you got every letter wrong. “There I told you.” I whined. “But he said I asked you for letters to spell a specific thing. Do you know Slovakian by any chance?” He asked. “No I said, not at all.” I said. “I thought so.” I ask you this because you actually got the word correct. I wrote it in Italian it’s a place in Italy a specific place and you having no idea what I was asking, you just rattled of letters, spelling the same exact word but in a different language, but you still did it you got it.” I was really surprised “how the heck did I do that? I was not even trying.” “It does not matter do you see you know a lot more then you let on, there is this part of you that is very clear but its buried by your stubborn frustration wall.” “I’m not stubborn, I said, which was a total lie that I was unable to admit at the time. So what even so what can I do to get past this wall.” “The interest in the psychic abilities is a big part of the wall they are the distraction to remember what is more important your mind and psychological freedom, otherwise its so easy to be lost like the many. (That being said I wished he did not show me these abilities cause I did get lost in them and compared myself to Diego and felt inferior which was the last thing he wanted but I am sure he showed this to me so I could understand and see what effect exposure of this things does to the mind, the mess it makes. That’s the very reason I decided to write about the abilities so that others may understand as well.) Get familiar with the foundation of that wall and all the material that you used to build the wall.” “How do I do that?” “Do you really want to know,” he said? “Yes,” I said. “Ok” he said. I will show you but your not going to like it.”
Chapter: 10 Pandora’s Box
He was right I did not like it at all, as a few days later he asked me about my dark side. “I would like to see it,” he said. “No, I said, no way. Why do you want to see that anyway?” “Well he said, it’s you, as well right? And it seems you hide from it and hide it from others to, but how can you be fully yourself with out understanding or reconciling yourself with this part of you?” I immediately started to get emotional; I said “You do not understand, it’s painful for me. If I get upset and use my power or abilities it makes havoc in my life, you know the story of how my dad passed, and what I said to him before he passed away, and how I feel responsible for it because of that. And after that I felt so horrible for so long, I felt such remorse and guilt, I mean it was unforgivable because I was so upset. I was totally blind. I mean how do we live with ourselves when we have done such horrible things? With such guilt and self- resentment not just from yourself but unconsciously from your family as well? How can one make amends and make it ok? This is the result of my dark side coming out that one time of being angry and letting my anger speak and think for me. I promised myself to never ever go there again. That I would for now on be nice and positive and happy to only uplift people to avoid conflict and do what I could to make the world a better place.” “But it all comes from fear, Diego said, and when we do and think through fear, then we are slaves of that and you have seen the result of living a life governed by fear. Where did that promise and choices you made to yourself that were done in guilt lead you? I already know, it lead you to more fear. Not just that it made you into a fake, pretending everything is ok, telling others its ok to when its not ok not at all, you buried your memories and feelings in time with out understanding a thing and always haunted and fueled by unconscious guilt. No matter how much you did and said or how much praise you got it did not make you feel any better. It did not matter how big your mission was either. Which only really told people unconsciously to avoid the root issue, and force yourself lie to yourself that you should be happy when your not.
This was a bit too much for me. Diego’s words sometimes can be like knives to me. I was pretty much whimpering at that point this was not the first time that he freaked me out and I felt fear; he really can be scary with the depth he goes. To live with Diego one has to face themselves in every possible way, and often if we are not willing to understand even if a small part of us resists then this is a most unpleasant experience. The mind just turns against you in an instant. I was somehow relieving all the memories and pain all the while saying to Diego. “No, please no, I can’t do it, I can not go back there, anything but that, I do not want to go there. It hurts too much.” “But it is where it started, we have to go to where it started otherwise how can you expect to live a psychologically free mind? As he was talking I started to become a bit lucid and saw that it was not Diego I was scared of, or how he pushed me to go there, it was more so that I was scared of myself. Of going to the basement of myself, to see this beast I chained up long ago and refused to acknowledge its existence except when tears welled up, and I did not know where they came from. No it was not Diego I was afraid of because he was the one that brought this up but it was myself that reacted to it the way I did, I was the one that was pretending everything was ok not him.
I realized all the people that were scared of Diego were not actually scared of him, he was just the excuse the easy escape these people were actually afraid of themselves to, the things he reminded them about them selves they did not like it, it made them uneasy they could not handle it, they rather say no your evil. Those people were scared to be fully ourselves, fully responsible, to exist fully in the unknown.
My head was reeling still with the idea of unleashing this side of myself. “But Diego I whimpered, I’m so afraid that if I do this, then I will hurt you like my dark side hurt other people that I was close to in my life. ‘Then I could not live with myself,’ “no one would like me, I would be alone.” (This is what we all think we go to this sector of our mind of extreme control so as to justify our actions. Then the mind says, ‘I have to be good, smart, pretty, nice, otherwise no one will love me.’ It’s how we are all raised to think unconsciously, always these thoughts are in the back of our mind lingering in the air, just waiting for their chance to pounce down on us.) “Don’t be afraid of that, Diego said, just try to understand it.” “But Diego, I protested, there is no sense in it, this beast inside us, all of us, is stupid, petty, random, cruel and no one knows when it will get triggered; in which we freak out and make fights and find reasons to judge and torment ourselves and the people closest to us.” “Yes, Diego said, I am well aware of the pattern. But if you and everyone else keeps locking it up like this; if you keep escaping, keep hiding, keep distracting, keep lying to ourselves; despite all that you have done, all the energy and time you have wasted it has not worked. It still finds its way out from time to time, it still makes problems in our lives, historically as well. Which of course then leads to a kind of abuse, and the same old thing, this vicious circle must be corrected. You have to be a maintenance person in your mind and fix this error/ virus in the psyche/software. Not hide it away, and try to forget about it, and live in fear when it comes up and out of us to rake havoc in our lives. You must not identify with it or take it personal, if you see it as your identity, you will be lost to it, and then you will attack and blame yourself as you sink in self-commiseration and apathy. Such as ‘poor me,’ ‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘I’m the worst person ever,’ ‘I can not do anything right’ ‘I never will do anything right,’ I’m a failure,’ ‘I deserve to suffer,’ and thus it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. (Oh man, how many times did he hear me say that to myself?) You say you want to help mankind and you have an ability that acts like a curse in which you often feel others pain is if it where your own. You cannot tell the difference between what’s theirs and what’s yours. You take on others pain, joy it and you’re like a roller coaster; living with these extremes, at the mercy of others emotions, thoughts and experiences, but you have this ability/curse for a reason. It’s not to sink in the world’s depression, or go crazy. You, like me, do not have this luxury as well.” “So we are not even able to go crazy either?” I asked. “No, it’s another escape and it’s too easy. It must be fully understood and corrected, it must be broken this collective historical pattern of suffering. Its not just for you to dismantle this error but as many people as possible that know and feel that is what is needed to do. Its not easy its bloody hard, its easier to sing shanty and shanty and tell others not to worry, all is love, but as you see that does not help. It actually only makes things worse, quick fixes always do, because there is no understanding or inquiring on the root.
And do not worry about hurting me with your words, actions or fears, or pushing me away. I know the pattern phases and routine how it works and what it will do to you how you will react to it. You will be upset with me because I will not give you your psychological drugs your used to getting and expecting. It’s not about that anyway, if that’s what you have to do to understand this then so be it. But you can’t hurt me; you just need room to make your mistakes in order to understand. Don’t let any fears get in the way of your understanding. Besides I know what you will say and do in fear is not you anyway just that part that is confused and frustrated remember its not just your confusion, frustration and addiction to psychological drugs it’s also the collectives, its your history. Your not going to have your dark side turn on others as much as it will be turned on yourself and it will be more intense then before so as to speed up your understanding of the pattern. You need to see how this all started and what this really is, not just intellectually but profoundly and apply it otherwise it will keep repeating until you and all the people have had enough When that happens people can either see at as an opportunity to understand and step out of it once and for all or sink in their own self created decaying limbo.”
As much as I did not like what he was saying I could not argue anymore, I knew he was right. I always suspected this but did not have the balls to go there. Now I had the opportunity to finally go there, to free myself with the help of this fear expert. I knew I had to do this for many reasons. I knew Diego had no dark agenda for mentioning this he was only saying what some part of me longed to say and often thought about but even that alone was too scary. If I would thank him for his help he would always say thank yourself first its not because of me that you understand but because of yourself your doing the work not me.
Diego was so sincere when he said this, he to was tired of this vicious circle, these constant fights and struggles of stupidity ruling the world. When does it stop? When can we finally live in peace? Its all Diego wants is some peace, so we can live a very different way through our innocence creativity sensitivity and visionaryness, without authority always imposing its beliefs and fears on us. He does not have to help with this mess, its not pleasant work to do at all, as people mostly put him down rather then think in these ways, but yet he still does it, he still tries help others to understand. Sometimes he does get discouraged trying to do this mission impossible and just wants to give up and go live in the forest all alone far away from people, but something sparks him to go on. That is because he thinks that if he keeps spreading and cultivating seeds maybe one will be able to bloom and break the asphalt and that is exciting to him. Besides he does not just want to give up on people and say they are lost, or too young of a species that needs 1000s of years of evolution before they get it. “What else in the mean time can I do while I am here hide away as the world gets worse and worse? At least we can try he says, all we can do is try, while I’m here otherwise no matter where I go, I will not have any peace, as even the mountains are being corrupted with humans confused energies.” “If understanding my dark side is the way to get out, I said, so be it and besides I’m really tired of fear making me into its bitch. I’m so done with that.”
It’s a strange thing that after we had this talk I somehow forgot the content until recently. To be fair with myself, we talk about so many things its hard to remember it all, but this was different. It seemed like it was something I did not want to remember, that I agreed to do. But this particular conversation really changed everything as I fell out of the blissful cloud nine lovey dovey state and went into another phase. On top of that their was about to be more factors to be thrown in the mix of our relationship which altered how I thought about our relationship.
Chapter: 11 Off the Deep End with Trine & Azvropia
A) Trine:- These other factors where two other girls that were not really just girls and they happened to be a big part of his life. I learned about the first girl who I will call Trine one evening while Diego had decided to show me a video message of Trine that she had recently sent him. They had known each other for years. In the video Trine was stumbling over her words because she was nervous. She had huge dark blue eyes and medium length light brown hair; she was very skinny because she was anorexic. She also had this look like she had been on the streets and been through the school of hard knocks. She had the kind of eyes that were trying to be happy but their was just an overwhelming amount of sadness in them and it was apparent in how she looked and talked that she was head over heals in love with Diego. After watching her cute awkward heartbreaking video he asked me what I saw and I told him everything I just shared above. I could see Diego cared about her a lot to. They had exchanged so many letters to each other she was an artist to and made these amazing pictures for him. “This girl is in love with you Diego.” He said, “I know, it’s the only way her mind can factor things as it’s a bit beyond the mind to understand our connection. When we are drawn to someone and we do not know why, they immediately assume its love.” But isn’t it?” I pushed. “Kind of, he said, but it’s not what you think.” “Ok,” I said, trying to understand something that is beyond the mind. “She had a real hard life been through a lot, raped, drug overdose, boyfriend leaving her to die in the cold, family committing her to mental institutions and yet she is one of the most remarkable woman I have ever met. She is so sensitive, too sensitive, and very perceptive, but she is surrounded by people that are trying to force their will on her. You know to be a normal person, but she is her own person she is child of nature she does not belong to her family she belongs to herself. When I started talking with her about this trying to help her with this her family got involved and said I was trouble, as I was making her think in ways they did not like, she was questioning their authority over her. This was a struggle for her she felt torn so she blocked me many times thinking the same of what her parents said. But it was not her fault she was also on Ritalin, she has been on it a large part of her life, and I know what this drug does to a person. I know that it was the Ritalin that was speaking not her.” So because of this their communication was off and on but he stayed with her through everything even when she was committed to a mental institution by her own family saying they were doing what is best for her because they loved her and making her feel terrible for not being normal. When she finally got out of that place, she was thinking about coming to Bali to be with Diego. I wanted to know more about this girl so I asked Diego’s ex girlfriend about her. It turns out she to was aware of Trines feelings for Diego and rather then getting jealous or nervous about it she befriended Trine. (Diego and his ex girlfriend were together for 6 years and had only gone their separate ways 6 months before I arrived. It was nothing bitter or anything like that she just felt like going to South America and Diego did not feel it, so she went on her own. They are still good friends and are often in touch.) I guess Trine thought Diego was single and wanted to give it a chance. Even when she found out he was not single I still welcomed her to come out to us. But due to many circumstances she was not able to make that work. I felt bad for being with Diego, it seemed she deserved to be with him more and when I told him that he said, “In another time line we are together.” “But still, I said, at least if she could be here with us, she could live in more peace by being around people that would cultivate her sensitivity. That’s what she needs most after all.” “Yes its true, he said, which is why since she can not come to me I will go to her, but just for one day.” I was a bit taken aback for a guy that did not have much money he was willing to spend it on a plane ticket to see his friend in need. “Oh I’m not going to fly, he said, I have other means of travel, that is much more faster and convenient, it will only take me a day, that’s all I need. Well it will seem to you to be a day but actually it will be longer. I someone for example lived in Europe but wanted to always to live in Africa. Its possible to create a moment in time in which it seems like a whole year was spent there but in actual time it’s only 2 months. “How ever its not suggested as the human mind can not handle something like this. When that time span is up and a person comes back the mind is at a major risk of collapsing. A person would freak out saying it’s too much for them. I had no way of knowing if he could actually do this or not, but what struck me about this was how he said it so casually and I wondering how Trine would experience this visit like a dream perhaps? Then I brought our attention back to Trine. “She is obviously someone you care about a lot but what is she to you Diego? Why do you care about her so much, if you don’t love in the way that most people do?” “It’s something deeper and beyond that concept you call love, perhaps something like family, but even that word does not suffice to explain her and what she means to me, or what exactly she is.” “Ah, ok… I said, so what exactly is she Diego that you feel so compelled to do this trip?” Diego looked at me and said, “She must be free, not just from the institutions that she is in or from the people that try to control her but in her mind she must have psychological freedom and she will. I will do everything I can to help her free herself even if she does not understand why I am doing it.” “But why are you doing it Diego who is she to you?” I kept pressing this question as I could tell it was on the tip of his tongue and he was unsure if he should say or not until finally he said, “she is one of my krytons.” There is that word again, kryton. She is a kryton. I thought a bit perplexed by this revelation because I thought based on my past experiences and understanding with the kryton that’s its some kind of a stone Diego gave me. I thought that it could only be a stone. “Wait a second, I said, so a kryton can also be a person? I asked incredulously. “Yes, he said, they can also be people, they can be a stone, flowers, anything, anyone, even moments in time. They are like keys.
I see I said deciding to change the subject again, “Trine a kryton, are their other people that are krytons for you? Yes, he said many.” “Have you found all your krytons yet?” I asked. “No, he said, not yet, only some.” To which he showed me pictures of the ones he found and it was a rather uncanny cause all the girls looked alike somehow though they were in all different countries scattered all over the world. I said, “so do they all know they are krytons?” “Not all of them, he said, they do not know it by that word, nor do they understand what it means its complex to explain but they do suspect something. There is a connection that is wireless intuitive right away and the affinities are there.” “Does everyone have krytons?” I asked. “Yes, but the majority of people are too busy with their beliefs and illusions to understand what is going on to pre set up, or create, or recognize their krytons when they see it/them. Even when they do recognize them most do not know what to do with it/them, their confusion perhaps gets in the way their mind decodes it as sacred or soul-mate or something stupid like that.”” So then I have krytons to?” I asked. “Yes, but you do not remember them yet. Then I decided to bite the bullet and ask the question on the tip of my tongue that I was a bit nervous to ask but decided to anyway as it least it would make more sense as to why I am here with Diego. “Am I one of your krytons?” I asked. No he said. But that did not make sense if I was not one then why was I here with him why was he so interested in me and putting up with all my crap? I asked him many times to explain what a kryton was but no matter how many times he explained I just could not get it or understand or make it stick in my mind. I wanted to be able to explain it to myself but it did not come with force. A year later it finally came to me just out of the blue what exactly a kryton is and I feel a bit better with my understanding of a krytons to explain them better but I will save that for another blog.
I then became fascinated in what Diego was fascinated with it was as if everyone and everything even moments in time were stereograms/magic eye and there was lot more to it and him then meets the eye. I decided to contact Trine and talk with her myself. We actually connected pretty well, she knew of me for many years form my videos. We did not speak that much she wrote me a few insightful messages and that was it. Which was because she fell into some hard times. But Diego did not give up on her and did his best to see her through her trying times. It made me see that Diego is so similar to me in that I to was passionate about helping people. He was very dedicated and helping free people who were willing to go deep. People who are being pushed to conform when they just can not because they are sensitive and not able to tolerate fakeness or be made into something they are not, people that cultivate their sensitivity and visionaryness. People that had the potential and courage to psychologically free themselves. These people would later be known as EOF Pioneers.
b) Existing in More then One Reality at Once -Poem
Shortly after that experience I wrote this-
I feel an inner painting stirring up inside me all the colors taking shape as words fall from one reality into another. I am thinking what I feel and feeling what I think and when I do this, something else comes forth through me. So do not think the answer feel the answer and strange energy will come to devour you and paint you in red and give you white dots. What is the purpose to love someone? It is not flowers and kissey kissey counterfeit love bought and sold to us time and again. Its not romance and getting what you and need until both are empty and dry and have nothing left to give anymore from each other either. It’s not also giving all your time and energy to one person, forgetting about your relationships you have with nature and all things seen and not seen. It’s not possessive, like your mine, and I am yours, and we must always fight to protect this. So many ideas and beliefs about love get in the way complicate it and pollute it making it have the unnecessary lifetime span of a picked flower. In other time lines things are different we are not with who we are with now. Or are we? Is that why our mind is a million miles away and memory has no recollection of all the things you thought in the day or in the second between the seconds? Are we half here half somewhere else? Or are we collecting ourselves from all those places so we can embody that one magic moment and so as to freeze it into forever or end it all once and for all then shatter the matrix. Living your life with one person a part here a part somewhere else. Its all connected the human emotion does not need to take it personally like they are cared for less then or not good enough. Another time and place to experience a connection with all but do not mistake it for lovers entangled with each other. What is the purpose of such connections on this planet/time line? What is the purpose of such connection in another universe? Is it the same? Are they working towards something unknown? Evolving to something else? Like us, a unique seed, from our world bring our unique gifts and eyes from there to share here. Is it the same with in which how we empathize to from there to here and then back there again, tying strings making patterns and connections? Is there a need to rescue and co-create something better there to? Here to be in empathy with another is to let the person be free and do what they need to do and vice versa so has to co-create an exit for home. This is the unconditional way, as we travel in and on spiral moving time lines each day, each moment, each thought, each person, place, and thing, each emotion, each dream, and all that is in between, seen, and unseen, seed and unseed, is a time line of its own we journey in life we collect accumulate and create krytons, time line keys to some may be seen as pieces to a puzzle, while others know the codes and meanings scattered in moments playing in the background of life, hiding and acting insignificant, that can only be seen if one is not distracted busy in the mind able to observe it’s the energy the technology behind it building an eitheric bridge like device portals that incase your skin in ice. Which is a temporary vice. Entice us, stay conscious, stay concise, catch the glitches in the matrix and then learn all the languages of that which needs no tongue to speak, no sight to seek nor peak. It’s the inside sight the inside language now let your memory come back if you dare. Let your self unconditionally understand and allow it back with the same subconscious intensity that you held thinking it belonged to someone else, but oh no surly not for the self, can we have such a relationship with ourselves we can, if we dare. Krytons, crystalline flare follow them if you dare observe them from a birds eye view and you will see a pattern so overdue. Then you will know they are coordinates calling to you, due to you and the morning dew like shimmering crystals also decorating the painted red with white dot house, more technology. Stop thinking on just the surface, and stop doubting, stop second hand guessing what you already know. Now live what you know what nature knows to live that way. No longer live what you think for your thoughts will get in the way that is if the observer is not at close bay, words will become obstructions with no way to convey. Don’t say I love you for any pale tongue can say such, those words are becoming empty and meaningless anyway, instead come live life with and through me to you then back to me again and then back to you back and forth it shall go and in-between us we will then be inside of life itself forever embodying it and expressing it to ourselves for ourselves each other and all the nature as well, while making love to the unknown. Making love to our imagination bringing each other into our own inner private worlds our union with the thinker and observer will be the union of all unions where because of our union all will speed up and find their own reunion of the mind and observer to. When we are able to do it energetically observe and be aware be conscious of our own energy the rest of the originals and integrals will be able to do it and have it to.. Where we are forever pregnant with making the impossible possible for our play for play is beyond the beyond. Yes I do I say I will be present a present to my mind when I witness you give birth to your wings and fins once again and you witness the birth of my wings and fins once again but for the last time I swear. With our fingers and wings and fins we will paint the sky the sea as a constant nebula plethora of colors as worlds with in world and the atoms inside rejoice. Now they have a voice. Lets take our collection of pieces of a world that once was of all the beauty to have recreate inspire us in the worlds to come the worlds we are yet to create and the worlds already there waiting for us and the treasure we found and must preserve like seeds planting and scattering their ashes all over the many universes. So they can live again in a kinder or gentler reality that knows no bounds.
A week or so later, I started to notice a lone fire fly every-night there was always just one circling the house and flying in patterns that caught my eye. Apparently it was always there but I happened to recently notice it at that time. Sometimes even landing when Diego and I were conversing as if it were curious about what we were saying and was listening in. Oh listen to me such a silly thought I thought but still silly thoughts can slip the cracks of ambiguity and uncertainty, best to inquire about it and just see. “What is up with this one fire fly that is always here every night?” I asked out of the blue/green. Diego said. “Oh, its her. A smiled creased his lips like he was sharing some inside joke with himself. Lets say something of a friend try to ignore her though its not polite to stare. Yes she is listening in on our conversations she acts like a waki-talky for someone.” “Do you know who this someone is?” I asked. “I do, said Diego. I will tell you later though now is not the time.” Another week or so had passed by when Diego asked if he could play me a song from a girl whom I call Azvropia, he wanted to see what I felt from the song and her. He showed me her picture to, she’s is young and beautiful she looks like a model, she is a model. The song was just beautiful a soft warm melody. Azvropia’s voice was clear gentle tender and intensely beautiful. The lyrics, I could feel them very strongly. The first thing my mind seemed to decode was that Azvropia was also in love with Diego. I could feel it in the song, but this was not the same kind as with Trine, this was something else something more deeper profound and complex. This was not a woman that needed Diego’s rescuing. This was a woman that Diego actually felt fully and totally understood him. She was just like him, maybe she even came from the same place as him. She is someone he seemed to even admire which is almost unheard of for Diego to do. All this I sensed from listened to this one song this one voice. This connection they seemed to have that surly existed beyond space and time. I watched Diego secretly while he listened to the song, I could tell he cared immensely for her to in a way that was fascinating but also heart breaking for me, as the realization crashed down on me. The tears started to flow I was not jealous though. It was not that. How could I be jealous of such a connection? You out there, have to understand I care about Diego more then I understand. He is not for me to hold onto, like he always says love is when you say I love you but I am not attached to you. I know he is something else, and often feel like I cannot keep up with him. Like he is on a whole other plane that few can even fathom not even a fraction. So if this woman Azvropia can be in the same field with him and keep up with him, then how could I stand in the way of that? I suddenly felt ridiculous for being here in Bali, thinking I could some how have Diego’s heart. Or that this X-men being would want my heart, I will never be special to him in the way that other are in relationship. How could I think that we could somehow have some dream soulmate twin flame relationship with him, which is also another damn counterfeit fantasies sold to us. (be all romantic to each other commit our whole life to each other make each other the most important people ever to each other. Have conscious kids, save the world and shift living happily consciously ever after, this thinking is such a scam and a distraction.) I was even angry with myself for falling for that cliché yet again. It was too much at that time so I just ran out of the house in the pouring rain before Diego could see my tears. Diego called after me, he even tried to catch up to me saying, “Hey wait, its not what you think, come back;” but I ignored him and just kept running. I ran to one of the resorts pools and just laid on a lounge chair and cried. I stayed there for a couple hours it was pretty late but at least I knew he would not be able to find me. This was a typical pattern I did with my ex to I always ran and hid in places when I got overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions and frustrations. I just was so confused I did not understand why I was in his life the way I was if I was not a kryton or a bridge for him, then what am I to him? Why does he want me here with him? How do I fit into his world when its so beyond me? When I cannot keep up with him not even in a million years. How was I to live with him, be his partner if he would never be totally with me? He always felt so far away and now I felt I knew why. How can I, how do i belong in his world? How can I give myself to someone who does not seem to want me fully? I had to remind myself this was not just about a romantic relationship with someone who is not keen on romance though neither was I yet I wanted it even expected it. I thought he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and was playing hard to get that he respected me that’s why he is not rushing in the sack with me, but it was not that at all, it was something else, something totally unknown and it drove me crazy that he would not tell me. (Even today as I write this I still do not know exactly but I am a bit better living with this unknown.) I knew it was not really about a romantic cliché partnership, yet I kept getting stuck there in all those past conditionings about relationships. I really thought I was immune, but damn, it was subtle, the subconscious mind was harboring such desires after all. Ok hold it together jess, I told myself, its not just about your relationship with him its about your dismantling your freedom and your relationship with yourself that’s why you’re here and doing this. Perhaps mixing a relationship into this equation was not a good idea but he encouraged it to, as I recalled the words he said to me in those letters. He did say he loves me, he would not just through around that term, but perhaps he loves a part of me that I cannot access yet and have no recollection of. Damn this is so frustrating what if I never remember or am able to reconnect with her? If I mention this to him it does not seem to bother him. But surely, this is not a game, he does not say that to all the girls he meets. Damn it, I do not want to be like the many girls losing their heads over this man, I must stay clear, I must be different. He chose to be with me, he brought me here, he had been watching me my whole life, he wants to be with me yet… yet… we are not in sexual relation but he was intimate with a girl in his past for 14 hours straight. That’s what he told me one time, and wow did it piss me off. Why not be like that with me? Was I not attractive to him or something? I just did not understand in some ways, he definitely operates in the unknown, he is too mysterious, but I know he is not a player or womanizer he cares for woman as a species too much to do such harm to their flowering of their emotional psyche. Perhaps I really should contact his ex so as to help me shed light on living with Diego. Surly a woman that lived 6 years with him could give me some clue on what the heck is going on, or maybe she knows how I fit into all this. I know they are still in contact and I was very curious about her perspective on all this to. Diego must have told her all these things to, he must have been the same with her like with me, Diego is who is he does not change for anyone perhaps she was able to handle this better then me, perhaps she was more advanced then me? (But my mystical background really should have made me better prepared for this.) Surly his ex knows about Trine, krytons and Azvropia. What if I cannot free myself? What if I’m a failure? My mind raced in this way, mostly in fear until I realized about two and a half hours had gone by. I decided to go back to the house, but this time I would clamp down on my heart. I decided we would just be friends. I told myself it’s easier that way if his heart belongs to another someone more like him then so be it. After all I care so much about him I just want his happiness and freedom, more so then I wanted mine, I couldn’t help feeling that way. It meant more to him, I just learned about this I was not working as this as long as he has. (Oh crap was I being a martyr again? Damn it old habits die-hard.) But I could not help him I could only help myself. I had to make that my motivation not him.
Diego was awake waiting for me. “Where were you? I drove around looking everywhere for you.” “You could not find me telepathically?” I said? “No, he said, your energy was too muddled to track you.” I’m sorry, I said, I just needed some time away that’s all. I needed to think what to do, if I could go on like this.” “You do not understand jess, its complicated. We met when we were in our teens, she understood everything so well and then some. She could also do things much more impressive then what I can do. You think my abilities are something its nothing compared to hers. Just to give you an example she can turn into a gnome, bi-locate go through walls she could even turn a whole house or even a person into an ice-cream cone but that’s just the tip of the ice burg. She demonstrated some of these things to me she even helped me figure out how to pluck objects from dreams I was never able to do that till I met her.” “And were you guys together romantically?” I asked. “Yes, he said. And yes she is very dear to me.” “I knew it, I said. You do love her and she loves you.” This statement made him laugh as if what I said was so ridiculous and rhetoric; for a primitive mind to fathom, love is a distraction, a hoax its not life it’s a counterfeit version of life. It’s another mind-manufactured invention/illusion, as all illusions are fear they come from fear, that is why love is actually fear. There is no love or evil in nature but there is empathy and the willingness to understand to co-create. Nature does not say I love you but I am afraid to lose you that is why I try to control you or put my expectations on you. It was most frustrating with my limited mind trying to grasp all this but I tried my best to understand. I was always torn and fluctuating between my frustration and my curiosity. I learned how Aztropia understood all his languages and codes and then some. They seemed to have had this secret private world they shared. I felt left out and so stupid that I could not understand these languages and so I got even more upset with my primitive mind.
“You have to understand jess that Azvropia is me and I am her, she is my female self and I am her male self, yet we are one in the same; but also two different people. My head was starting to hurt, “no, I do not understand, I said, that does not make sense it sounds like a complete contradiction.” “She is more evolved then me, she has been here for a long long time. She is in a human form but she is not really human, she is something else. I guess my face looked befuddled so he decided to use an example which was still over my head, Ok you jess are something like H3O I am H4O and she is like H5O do you understand now?” “No, all I know is I am not like you or her, I’m not as smart as you guys.” I said, “Never mind you will understand later, he said and then he went on to say. She can make krytons, she makes most of them for me, you have seen some of my krytons and how they all look alike, whom do they look like? It dawned on me so clearly now that I had seen a picture of Azvropia, they all looked like her…
This was way over my head it was not something I could grasp yet, so I decided to change the subject, besides we were getting off of topic. I wanted to address my concerns to see if they could be confirmed or not. So I said, “But I do not understand, if you guys care about each other so and understand each other, why are you two not together?” “We do not have to be, and its not so important to us, getting out is more important. So that is what we are both focusing on and doing what we need to in our own way, we are always in contact. She does her part and I am doing mine.” “But Diego, I said, if she is so evolved like you say how can she as well be stuck here in this limbo prison matrix? Surly she can get out and get you out as well?” “No she cannot do that. Its not that easy, its something we have been working on for a very long time, so many incarnations and realities, we always pick up were we left off. Its so hard for her to be here, I have seen her cry so much and so deeply that blood has come from her eyes. Have you ever seen anyone cry blood before? She wants to get out as much as I do and we will get out.” “But if she can do the things you say, then she could do so much here to help? (I was thinking of a superhero kind of thing. Damn media conditioning.) And what about you Diego, are striving to be as advanced and as evolved as her? Do you feel inferior next to her because she is so ahead of you? Don’t you feel fear that you may not be able to keep up with her?” “No, I do not care about these things, its another hoax, why should we compare ourselves with our own race? Its just authority kind of thinking that traps us into old ways. He looked at me with a sobering glint in his eye and said, jess what is the point of being: the most wealthy, or wise, or successful, or having the best abilities or being the most advanced, or have the most intense love relationship, or be a ruler full of power or being an enlightened guru celebrity with millions of followers, or the most famous, or all those things that people struggle for, dream about if your still in a prison limbo? Really is that a victory, is that something we should strive for? To try to live your life in a place that does not let you live your life in total freedom instead it expects you to live your life in so much: fear, struggle suffering, annoyance, frustration, discontent, BS, hebetude, fakeness, confusion, abuse, conflicts, drama, wars, distractions, and stupidity, striving for money for love for peace that the many forget to even begin and so people devolve being like that for far to long. I had to say he sure did have a point. I felt sad for these beings Diego and Azvropia being here for so long I could only imagine what they endured the hardships, torments and the many times they died and were killed over some stupid beliefs. For so long I wanted to remember such things I was glad now that I was not able to. They remember and feel everything everyone that’s too much to bare no wonder Diego writes the things he does talking about history he is speaking through personal observational experience. (it made me think of ‘Disney’s’ “Aldan” When the Genie said‘. ‘Phenomenal cosmic powers to itty bitty living space Im still a prisoner’ that he to was a prisoner so what did any of it mean anyway if your not free? I saw myself as Aladdin and they both were like the genie) I did not know though that I was the Genie to, again I could not help them and they can not help others we can only help ourselves each individually by doing that we help each other.
“Azvropia is also interested in you jess sometimes she comes through my body to watch you through my eyes and talk with you. Its because of her that I know so much about you, your life, your past, your external and inner world. It’s no coincidence that I look so much like your first boyfriend from France either. She cares about you and gives you things and access to places few can go. She even set up our encounter in which we first met in a place I call structure its something of an airport. (Diego animated this place in our Myth of Fear series it’s the beautiful nature Jurassic park like place pristine nature landscapes.) “I do not recall meeting you there I said. Tell me more about this place? “Its something of an airport he said for universes dimensions time lines and so on. Many come there and get stuck there cause its so peaceful and they do not want to leave that kind of serenity, but its also a kind of a limbo one can not stay and live at an airport because we like being the in-between. In structure you can do anything its like that movie ‘Lovely Bones’ where that young girl goes to, its like a video peaceful video game setting. Kids can get there easier then adults because adults are in too much confusion, they lack visionariness, they want to always stay in the known, distraction and beliefs block people from being able to get there to.” “How do i get their? I asked. Its simple you just need the coordinates.” “That is not simple at all Diego, I do not even know what the heck that means.” “Yes you do, its no difference then someone having a private youtube account only people who have the exact URL can go there.” I do not know that URL though, I said. Yes you do, your unconscious mind does you have been their many times and we met their.” “But, I do not understand, why does Azropia care about me? Why would she do all this for me? Why would she set you and me up like this? Why is she interested in me Diego? I’m nothing, I’m a screw up, I cannot do anything right, and I’m not as advanced as you guys. I’m a mess; just look how much I disrupt your precious peace with my emotional fits? What if I cannot free myself then what?” “Don’t worry about failing you can’t fail.” He said. “But how do you know? How do you know if a person is close to being able to free themselves or not?” “I just do, he said, and you are very close and you can and will do this.” “But I do not know how, and its so frustrating, my mind and emotions turn on me, it play topsy turvey. I’m so scared Diego and I do not understand anything. I feel so stupid, I just don’t get it, why would someone like Azvropia be interested in me?” “Because Diego said, you’re one of her krytons…”
Chapter: 12 Joakim
I really did not know what to make of all this, it was way over my head and more deeper then deep, my life had totally and completely became more wilder then I science fiction movie I felt as if I was in a space and time warp. I did not know how to be myself anymore or even what my self was, perhaps I have never been myself, maybe I had been in the rinse cycle for far too long. Yet I still had a life to lead, I still had people were reaching out to me while I was in Bali and it was not just because I was seen as a crystal child, not really it was something else. People always felt just drawn to meet me as if they was something else going on even before I met Diego, I had people drawn to me for reasons they never exactly knew. Perhaps I was a magnet for people who had the potential for people who could psychologically free themselves as if there was some part of my energy that was calling them. And that is how it started with the first person to come and visit us in Bali. A young man from Sweden who was in desperate condition and just knew he had to come see me, for some reason.
I did not know at the time that the arrival of Joakim would change the dynamics between Diego and me in a way I could not have foreseen. I just could not say no, he needed some help and I needed to have a break from what was going on in my personal life, which was a real mind bender. Diego had no problem with Jaokim coming to visit us and he was used to receiving guests and hosting people what with the 400 couch surfers he took in. Also Diego is willing to talk with anyone who is open and willing. So before I get into the adventures we had with Joakim and all that happened while he was here I decided I would share with you a letter he wrote about us after he had only spent a couple weeks with us. I thought it would be a good way for all of you to get to know him where he was coming from, his situation which I am sure many of you can relate to, and his perspective/experience with us. I also have a little mini intro letter that I did that I will include as well.
For those of you following my posts you are aware of someone I refer to as our swedie Swedish friend who had felt very compelled to come to Bali to see Diego and me. It’s been a couple of weeks that he has been here with us now. His name is Joakim and he has come a long way in such a short time. He has made so much progress with his fears and getting out of his comfort zone, I am so proud of him! I encouraged him to start writing a journal about his experience and journey knowing full well that it’s a great way to get to know your self in an intimate way, to better understand your thoughts and your life; to be able to be true and honest with yourself. It’s what opened the door for me. Recently I asked to read some of his writings and I was very impressed. I asked if I could share it, and it took a while for him to say yes as it was something out of his comfort zone. I feel what he wrote is very good and will be able to help others, and it’s also for all of you who are thinking about coming to visit us in Bali, and to give you a better idea of what it’s really like to spend time with us and what exactly we do. So without further adieu I am proud to introduce Joakim to you all with his first piece of writing and I truly hope not his last journey journal entry that he keeps on writing.
My journey with Jessica and Diego- by Joakim
For those reading this who want a short story, I’ll be frank. The way I see it, Jessica and Diego have basically saved my life (the life I ‘should’ be living), or at least they are saving what was left of my slowly dying soul. Depending on what I do with it I guess. Like a rescuer in a not so brilliant disguise, who gives you someone and something to hold on to when you don’t know where to go, what to do, or how, but you know you have to do something. There you have it in a nutshell. One soul rescue started and billions to go on the mission to save mankind from its self imposed prisons of fear, judgment, sorrow and what not, we’ve so creatively manifested. The collective nightmare that doesn’t seem to end.
(Longer version) Like so many, although often not aware of it, I was trapped in a self-created mental prison of fear, and sadness I wasn’t even aware of. I just knew I had to get out of where I was. I had to do something. I could no longer do the unemployment line, and worse, I couldn’t do the working one either. After turning down a job offer that, on paper, was the perfect one for me and my oh so struggled resume, it really finally hit me. This is not possible anymore. It felt like I physically can’t do this anymore. I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong things, for the wrong reasons. I’m not sure this society is even built for me. I don’t fit in. Wherever I go I am an alien. And so disconnected from who I really am, I couldn’t even answer a simple question like what do I like to do in my spare time?
Embarrassing. 36 years old and I really have no clue of who I am anymore, if I ever did. And this from someone who’s actively searched in psychology, spirituality, philosophy, channeling, science and religion, and whatever else I could find for years. Why? Because I’ve been afraid all my life, and my conditioning from all walks of life (no one to judge and no one to blame) prevented me from seeing beyond it (and it still does), to the core of my being. The essence of the personality that had been cramped, and crippled, by fear into a shell; with its walls of false security and all empty inside. How could I ever know who I was? Fear is a masterful disguise. Like finding your path in total fog. Good luck with that.
So what do I do? Walking back and fourth in my apartment countless of times until the cat got tired of watching me. And then it hit me.
Jessica. That’s it. Jessica is in Bali. I have to go and see her. She can help me. I just knew it. I had no idea how, but I was convinced. I had seen some of her videos and exchanged a little now and then with her over the years and knew enough to know that she is for real. Actually it was very obvious to me even from the start. Genuine and brave (although she may not agree on the brave part) with a bright light and the purest of missions. And the perfect personality to guide me. But it was not an intellectual decision at all, it was inspiration. It was a spirit call. Or whatever you want to call it. Doesn’t matter. It was obvious what I had to do.
But being a well-mannered boy I knew the right thing to do is to ask first, so I did. And she said sure, come on out. Then she hesitated and asked me about my intentions. So I had to assure her this wasn’t just a “crush” trip from halfway across the world. And I understand her, although I secretly felt a bit offended. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t hurt to look at Jessica, and even much more then that, someone who does what she does can easily develop what I refer to as the Anastasia syndrome for those who know about her. When somebody really sees you beyond the actor/actress, the fears, the insecurities, the drama and conditioning and so on, and really cares for you and sees your potential, its unfortunately so rare you can easily mistake it for something it is not. But this was something else. This was about me, and what I had to do.
So I booked the first and cheapest one way ticket I could find that gave me enough time to do some final preparations for leaving, including finding a tenant for my place who could take care of my little beautiful cat. Done and done. And being not at all well traveled, and hating flying, I got on the 24 hour long journey to Denpasar, Bali, from Stockholm, via Amsterdam and Kuala Lumpur. Luckily I managed to somehow sleep an hour on the last plane. Otherwise I am not sure how I would have found where Jessica would be. My head hurt badly from sleep depravation and I was seriously dehydrated. I wouldn’t want to do that trip very often.
After a long taxi ride in crazy traffic, we finally arrived in what seemed to be the place. And there she is. In perfect timing (ask Jessica). So…I’m here. Where is here btw?? I hardly knew anything about Bali. I didn’t even know it belonged to Indonesia at first, and I didn’t care. It was where I needed to be.
Meeting Jessica. So there she was, in some sense a stranger really, but to me she wasn’t. I knew her and it felt very familiar. And from years ago when I first saw her in an interview, I had the feeling I would see her one day. No hurry, no rush, it will happen. And being sensitive and caring and everything else she is and sees, she already knew what I needed and helped me fill up on juice drinks, food, water, some comforting chats a hug and then she order me off to bed at about 5 in the afternoon. A drill sergeant of compassion. And then lots of zzzzzz… The rest of the questions and answers can wait for another day.
So cutting it a bit short. Since I arrived about three weeks ago I have been blessed to be in the company and care of Jessica, and her new found partner, Diego. Who just happens to be an expert in fear, would you believe it!? I had no idea. And if you ever looked for interesting discussions about not only fear, but about almost any subject, Diego is your guy.
Jessica has her countless ways of helping and Diego has his, different, but very complementary. Apart from techniques and tools Jessica also helps me a lot just by being an example of how to be yourself. Sounds easy, but it is not for most, and definitely not for me. I’ve been practicing being somebody else, or shall we say being just a fraction of myself for a long time, and I’m pretty good at it.
For me, it has so far been a roller coaster of emotions of fear, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, longing, freedom, being happy, joy, laughter and whatever else there is to feel. Even boredom. But at least I feel. And when you start with a fear, you might find out you created it to avoid a deep pain and sadness. And you work through it and may find what is beyond that sadness. Helped and supported by great people in a non judging environment, you can be allowed to be whatever it is you need to be in order to move past the shadows of your past whatever they may be. It is ok. You are not bad or stupid, ugly, wrong or less then. It is painful and uncomfortable sometimes but very very necessary.
So the journey for me to face the fears I’ve so carefully guarded for such a long time have just started. But I will move through it with help from my new friends. The fear in the end is just my own energy, filtered through beliefs I don’t prefer anymore. Once I transform it, who knows what I can do or be? Maybe fully myself, for the first time since I was a child. No fear, just curiosity and experience. This is the time of transformation. You can see it in the earth, the planets and in the hearts of people who wish for something else. This is the time for change and for letting go of everything we’ve been carrying around for so long. Its time to really be free in the most expansive meaning of the word, and not the one attached to money, fame or power or whatever other condition we commonly use.
What Jessica has done for me in such a short time, even just by welcoming me with open arms, is hard to describe what it means to me. As I said, just that act alone I feel saved me. But she has done even more, and continues to do so because by no means am I done. So I am eternally grateful, and if she should ever need my help in any way I would do all I can to try and help her. That’s what she brings out of you. But there is more to her behind the curtain than the role she is playing. And it makes you wonder.
And she is human, and she makes mistakes (if that’s what you want to call it). And she is not perfect, whatever that means. And that is missing the point. Sometimes being with her feels like being slapped in the face and hugged at the same time. I wonder if it is not sometimes deliberate in order to let me grow past my own issues. I will have to ask her.
And one last thing; in all the ways she is helping me, physically, mentally, and most important for me, emotionally, she is doing this while being in love. And to anyone who’s ever been in love and knows how hard it is to think about anything and anyone else in that situation, she still finds the time and energy for me. If that doesn’t tell you something about her, I can’t help you.
Preview for the Next Bali Blog Part 4 Dec, Jan 2012/13 titled Mamma Mia!
With everything going on in my personal life and now joakim visiting us only a few weeks had gone by when my mother was set to soon arrive for a visit in Bali as well. It was when I was swooning over Diego that I wrote a letter to my mom as I felt that was the best way to inform her about me and Diego I actually wrote the letter to my best friend first asking her not to tell my mom until I decided its too hard to keep this in I’m just going to send it to her to. I also had many calls with my mom gushing how Diego was the cats meow. Bali is so lushly green its so strange and so crazy, I thought it would be neat for my mom to come out here and experience something really exotic, and to meet Diego as well of course. Originally I wanted to bring my baby brother Steve as well but he was not able to get out off of work. Also I have to confess because we were nearing 2012 I was nervous something could happen and I wanted my family near me and safe but since I could not get my brother I would settle for just my mother. It was early Nov when I told her I wanted her to come and visit me in Bali that if she could cover her living expenses here then I would cover her return ticket. (Though I knew it was a crazy decision as I had so little money left in my bank I should have been saving.) She agreed on it, and she only had 3 weeks notice to pack and prepare before she would be whisked out to Bali on a one way ticket. I could only afford a one way to start and this made her nervous as everyone was saying to get a return ticket its mad to do it this way but I wanted her to see that it would all work out somehow. She arrived at the end of Nov just a few weeks after Joakim arrived and what an intense cocktail this combo made, but I’m getting ahead of myself as I will share what happened there in the next blog as well as a bit about Diego’s younger years and his relationship with his mother. There is also more to come on relationships and dissecting love and what’s behind it. I will also share more about time lines.
Yes in Oct i was eager for her to meet Diego and to see how they got along of course that was before all these things went down in early Nov that I just wrote about. But I had already gotten her ticket there was no turning back now it was done she was coming out here and I was so nervous. As I knew Diego is not the type of man a mother expects or hopes for their daughter. And I wanted to tell her everything that was going on, but how could I even begin to tell her something like this? What are the chances that she would understand? How would she take it? How would it affect her? What would it do to her and the relationship she would have with Diego? How would Diego respond to my mom?
……….to be continued
Thank you for reading, If you liked this blog please share feel free to share it. Please feel free to leave a comment or send me a letter with your thoughts on my blogs, as feedback is very welcome. Also coming soon audio versions of the Bali blog series.
For more information
look for me on facebook https://www.facebook.com/jessicamystic and our EOF Group
skype id jessicamystic