Authors note: In some ways these blogs can seem whimsical, not at all what one would expect from a mystic. I’m very childlike, as you can see, and that’s how i live my life mostly; like a kid. Then there are these real deep thoughts and mystical tendencies that just come out of me randomly, and that’s my blog. None of it is made up, it’s all true. I refuse to make up or exaggerate anything. I want people to see how exciting truth can be and how it is so much more richer than fiction. In truth, the mystical deep stuff can only come from being childlike, its the fuel that brings the mysticism up whenever it is needed. So that’s the secret code i give to people in my blogs, something to read in between the lines. It’s all about perspective and perception.. enjoy my blogs 🙂
Chapter 1 More Then Meets the Eye The sun was just setting as we arrived at this mysterious man in blacks place. He lived in a place tucked away surrounded by jungle cliffs and a river. The house was up on a hill, at the top the stairs the first thing I noticed was this white and red beer bottle cap creation in the shape of a giant mushroom. Its about $4000,00 worth of beer from 2 years. I knew this to be the Amanita muscaria mushroom, I actually only learned about it recently when I was in Thailand with Jess Shackleton that’s were I discovered the documentary “The Pharmacratic Inquisition” (This mushroom is so public in everything from coke a cola can to super Mario brothers to all religions come from this mushroom.)
I highly recommend it as its all about why the dead sea scrolls said to be missing parts of the bible have been kept hidden and not revealed to the public because it clearly states that all religions and gods/ deities are nothing more then mushrooms. And consuming them does not necessarily mean one can understand about mushrooms fully, in some cases just the opposite. If you have seen the movie Zeitgeist then you can skip ahead to the second half, as the first half is just a repeating of Zeitgeist with a bit more depth, the second half is what is most exciting. (a year later I got in contact with the creator of this movie and will share what happened on with that later in future blogs) Here is the youtube link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suBqqpez_-
When I saw this Amanita muscaria art creation of his I assumed he had consumed these mushrooms and was into hulcenigetics and that he done all kinds of drugs. So I asked him and he said in a very thick Italian accent, “No, I have never consumed mushrooms in my life or done any drugs except smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I just really like mushrooms, ever since I was a kid I was fascinated about them. I just well I understand them they are my friends. I can speak to them and they speak to me, so there is no need to consume them or any heavy drug for that matter. Mushrooms are not from this planet you know. Most people do not know that everyone and everything are mushrooms and that practically everything come from mushrooms as well, we are all a form of fungus. Mushrooms are everywhere, they can live anywhere, they are in the sky and micro versions we are breathing in all the time, and mushrooms are always reinventing and assimilating themselves. They are very creative and always trying something new always co creating and working with everything around them, they want to be consumed by every species to, they are the experts in space interplanetary and dimensional travel as a species alone, they have personalities to. They are very advanced and very complex science cannot keep up with them.” “Wait a moment, I said what do you mean they are experts in interplanetary and dimensional travel?” His response blew me away. “Most mushrooms are ‘aliens’. In that they came from outer space in the form of microorganisms within comets, or as spores within spacecraft’s. The real mushroom is actually the ‘mycelium’ that is the thin & invisible roots under the ground which creates the ‘fruit’ we know. Some types of mushrooms were here able to develop a form of holographic mind, which is not made by memories but by para-hallucinogenic experiences (according with their nature).” Huh, how can someone know this I wondered as he went on?
“These mushroom are able to control the electromagnetism in water giving a particular frequency to the hydrogen atoms within water.
The most evolved mushroom on planet Earth is called ‘Amanita Muscaria’.
This mushroom literally ‘eats’ dreams…
Meaning: its is able to ‘eat’ (not to be intended negatively) the energy which comes from the same dreams its able to create within the mind of those who eat this mushroom whether animals/human/other plants/minerals/alien/bi dimensional being.
The mushroom family called ‘Amanita’, indeed, is, according with scientists, closer with the animal kingdom rather than the flora…
Indeed they are born from an egg.”
He then went on to share with me how a friend of his tried once to eat this mushroom (Amanita Muscaria). She told him that, after that eating this mushroom, every time she had a dream, no matter the content of the dream, if she asked to the mushroom ‘where are you?’… The mushroom suddenly appears within the dream…
“Oh and by the way he added, this is not just a beer bottle cap mushroom but also a time line shifter to.” “Ah I/eye see” I said, but was completely taken aback, not knowing what else to say. O_O
I looked down and saw a toy snake and spider on the ground. “And these?” I asked. He replied with. “Most people are afraid of these two beings they try to avoid these fears at all costs. I like to introduce people to their fears help them to understand it as that’s not really what they fear anyway its something else.” “Ah I see” I said. O_O
Then I saw this broken glass creation with marbles it looked be another piece of art. “And what about this one?” I asked. “Oh that, uh it’s something like a telescope a multi dimensional telescope to be more precise.” “Ah, I see” I said. O_O
As we moved towards the front door to unlock it and put my things inside my new temporary abode I saw on the left hand side of the door a huge tower as high as my chest made out of empty cigarette packages. “And this?” I asked. “Oh that its just my tower I’m building. Litter here is a big problem here, you know. Why throw it away when you can be sure the locals will just throw the trash into the jungle? So I decided to make an art creation instead same with the beer bottle caps. With this tower I’m learning all about stability and the best way to make it stronger, so it lasts longer. It’s fallen down twice now.” “It has?” I responded. “Yes, he said, the first time the wind took it down the second time an earthquake but now I think I know how to build it so no matter what happens it will not fall down. I made it flexible a structure like a building is not very stable nor really flexible at all, unless its made out of bendable concrete eh Jess? This tower is also a nice home for frogs and spiders.” “Ah I see I said. O_O Though I recall thinking ewe how can someone smoke and drink that much? (Fast forward a year later this tower is now taller then me and is about $2000 worth of cigarettes.) Then I started to think all these objects seemingly innocent creative art objects looked like one thing but had a whole other thing going on behind the scenes. All of his creations are not what they seemed to be at all. They were definitely more then meets the eye perhaps that’s the same with him as well?
Chapter 2: Who Are You?
I dropped my bags and we sat down and we started to talk. His name is Diego and he definitely was different. I did not feel any games with him or any pretention nor did I ever feel or see him trying to be something he was not. Maybe that is because, who he is, is so expansive, enigmatic as is. It felt that he was mostly just genuinely curious about me and started to ask me questions. I’m used to being asked questions its my main preferred way of communicating as well, but I have never been asked questions in this way before. First off they were very deep, existential and precise. They were dissected questions and answers even dissected thoughts on both our parts, but he started it, as our communication ventured more into the mechanics of thoughts. Was he asking questions he already knew the answer to like I do so he can see how I perceive how others see and think as it acts as a rather good gauge to assess a person? He seemed eager to talk, since the moment I contacted him, like he had so much to say, but he had to wait till the time was right. I did not know how and why he was eager to talk or really how long he was actually waiting. I could tell he was holding back immensely, as certain questions I asked pertaining to my suspicion on this would result in an answer from him that was always “ I do not want to manipulate you.” Curious why would he keep saying that and what does it mean?
Also is accent was very thick it was really hard to understand what he was saying. It was also hard for him to understand what I was saying because as many of you know I talk (even write) very fast, too fast for him and he did not understand anything I said either. (Its so hard for me to slow down my talking, I can not help it my dad used to be an auctioneer but really my whole family talks fast, my youngest brother Bug talks the fastest out of all of us. He talks like Boomhower from the show King of the Hill.) Despite the difficulty in understanding each other we still tried to communicate but it was mostly done through body language, energy and of course the language of the eyes; we were constantly reading and scanning each other, not for cautionary reasons but for curiosity and intrigue reasons on my part. On his part he was downloading my full psychological profile. He was open and willing to talk about anything, he was not reserved or guarded at all. He was gentle I felt comfortable to the point in the few hours I knew him. I blurted out “I feel very comfortable with you, like I can rely on you. I know it sounds strange, I said, but that feeling is very strong, and I know it’s not an implant thought because I know how to detect thought implants. So I know its not that, but what I do not know exactly at least not consciously. I mean lets face it we both know your a strange one, but I like strange I always have. But still this is most curious non the less. I mostly only feel like 80% with others.” He responded with “hmm interesting, and yes I agree formality introductions are so annoying. “ What did he mean by that? Was he indicating that he already knew me somehow?
At one point in our conversation he reminded me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland as he kept asking me “Who Are You?” (and he never even seen the show or knew what I was talking about when I mentioned the movie) he just kept asking me “Who Are You?” He was not asking for himself but for me to inquire deeper on who I think I am? Am I living according to that idea? How deep was I willing to go inquiring on this question? Was I willing to inquire with the wholeness of my mind? Every answer I gave he said “No,” and thus pushed me to go deeper. Odd how we give such important crucial things only a certain amount of thought, only willing to go so deep and then stop and settle most likely on what the collective tells us or what feels all warm and fuzzy inside; and that in someway stagnates us from not just thinking deeper, but also ever knowing who we truly are. As it makes us unconsciously turned off maybe even scared to think for ourselves, or find out for ourselves? And so it was that such a simple cartoony question caught me off guard what can I say? What does he mean by this question? When every answer I gave him he said no until I got tired, annoyed and offended. I mean who is this guy? To make such a bold implication about me in our first encounter; that I do not know who I am but he does? And I am supposed to believe him? How does he know anyway he just met me? At first I thought it was not possible for him to know me right off the bat. But indeed he did and it took me aback, who is this guy? I thought and he responded to my thought directly after I had it. “The same as you.” He said as clear as a bell telepathically, but I dismissed it as what ever. Instead I fired his question right back at him and who are you exactly and what do you do exactly? I’m an observer he said and I observe. That does not seem very excited I said actually it sounds pretty boring but humble. What does it mean exactly to be an observer I asked? He smiled and said you will see.
Chapter 3 An Encounter in the Bathroom
We talked for a while until midnight, and then it was time for bed. My bed was a pool floatation thingy with some questionable unappealing and not to mention filthy covers and pillow. The house was not the cleanest and my bed was on the dirty floor right in front of the fridge. (Really? I thought that’s where I am sleeping? This is supposed to be couch surfing not floor surfing. He had very minimal furniture there was no coach except one outside but he kept insisting it’s not a good idea to sleep outside. The floor would have to do. What ever I will just go with it, I’m not picky and surly it can not be as bad as the first bed I slept with when I arrived in Bali right?) Diego then showed me the bathroom, as I wanted to wash up before bed. The bathroom was his favorite place in the house and I could see why it was an actual jungle in there complete with trees and vines. Half of it was an open roof with exotic trees and plants crawling over the wall made of stacked rocks. There were pictures of exotic alien like bugs on the wall and many rocks painted by him that looked like crop circles, with odd language, strange patterns and designs, languages and codes too complex and sophisticated for me. The only thing I could make out was the same thing written on every stone which was “First of all your made by energy not your ideas/beliefs.” Ok I thought he has most likely heard some new agers squawk that old dinner roll “our thoughts create our reality” and most likely felt it was not true, thoughts were maybe not deep enough to him, thoughts seemed to be just the cover of the book, he was using his art to get people to think about what’s behind our thoughts. And, what’s behind our thoughts? Energy… ok but what does it mean? If our energy is creating our reality then what does that say about our energy? In some ways it made more sense as I had met people who were positive, saying I create my reality with my thoughts, but their life still did not work out what was behind the pressure and control to be positive maybe something not so positive after all? Perhaps it was fear or negligence not wanting to see or deal with all the warnings that life gives us, until the point we are in a tiny cage trying to be positive? But what can we do about it? How do we let ourselves see what we do not want to see and do what we spend our lives avoiding to do?
As I washed my face trying to understand this guy that’s dressed all in black, he represents and embodies a mystery most compelling. I suddenly felt a presence in the bathroom. How do I describe this presence? It was not a cold chill that one feels when they watch shows about ghosts (as spirits love shows about them and will always come to watch and leave after the show. They can not help being so cold making the back hairs on your neck stand up.) or something, it was like a ripple in the field and some electric current tingles on my temples, some hairs on my head stood up like static electricity interference to, as if I jammed my finger in a plug socket. Most people see with their mind not with their eyes, so its like looking at something in the way you would be looking at a magic eye picture, sometimes we use our eyes in this way on purpose and sometimes it happens by accident. (We think magic eye is a children’s game but its not just that, its showing us how to see with more then the past conditioned mind, to see what’s really there. Try looking at people and trees like you would with a magic eye picture and you will be surprised what you see.) We just click on some how and are able to in a split moment, see beyond the static picture. To see what’s really there and what I saw again is tricky to explain because the mind decoding gets in the way wanting to filter things a certain way. When that happens the experience then gets watered down by thoughts, as our known, our past knowledge gets in the way of our own unconscious comprehension of the unknown; not to mention the feelings to follow that exist beyond articulation. The worst thing we can do is try to intellectually decode such feelings and compare it with past pollution knowledge. (Its what happens in all paranormal experiences which are all really just glitches in the matrix from OBE to NDE and that’s why so many end up remembering very little and what they do remember is rhetoric and also watered down.) That being said what I saw was a tall slender stick like being, with pointy ears, long pointy nose, pointy pointing down cheeks, with some really long whiskers like a mouse just a few on each side of his cheeks chin ears and head. The eyes were tiny, close together and the most curious thing about him was his very long arms, that reached down to the floor his elbows bent the opposite direction then the way humans do. His clothes were torn garments that looked like they were from another time and place, he was kind of shocked that I saw him, and disappeared as soon as we both realized we could see each other. I came out of the bathroom and told Diego what I saw, he said, “very good, you were able to feel and see him, that’s one of my many friends that also lives here.” “Is he an elf?” I asked? “No he is, lets say something like a troll, but not how people think of them once again they have it all wrong with that to” he said. “Ah I see,” I said, Again I thought another thing that is not what it seems.
Chapter 4 Bedtime Stories
The only part of the house I had not seen was upstairs that was his dwelling, I remember thinking for some reason it was a mysterious laboratory cave up there, at this point I would not be surprised at all. The house in total was small and tight there was no other place for my bed to be but in front of the fridge. My first night sleeping on that bed was most uncomfortable what’s up with me having problems with beds was I coming down with a princess and the pea syndrome? Aside from the bed being not comfortable the covers made me itchy or as Diego would say eeetchy. I could not sleep at all, so I tried to think what I could do. Should I tell him that this bed is not going to work out for me for the next 2 weeks? Especially after some stories he shared with me about the area where he lives. It’s a place with one of the highest amounts of black magic going on. Apparently Semenyak is worse there, it’s said to be so much concentration of the dark arts that even military FBI that went their to film black magic Pokemon like battle of summoning spirits; they ended up seeing the most bizarre crazy unfathomable spirits launching fire balls in the air and other elements as not so holographic like battles, were the spirits almost burned the place down, to the point the FBI man got so scared ran out leaving all their extremely expensive equipment behind never to return for it.
Diego had lived in Bali Indonesia for 4 years and in that time had hosted over 400 coach surfers from all over the world. He had shared with me how out of all of them their was one person in particular that stayed with him that was super confused and in fear, to the point where while he was sleeping he awoke to strange sensation in the bed only to find their were maggots all over the bedding and all over his body, he was not dreaming, they really were there, he screamed called Diego and Diego came down and all the maggots were gone suddenly. Diego went upstairs and no sooner did he leave a giant spider showed up, but bigger then usual I mean the spider are pretty freakin big here but not like this spider; it was like a spider on steroids and it sure as heck did not act like a spider at all. According to Diego, this is a classic example of black magic that gets done to people who have confused and fear saturated energy. If one does not want such an experience conjured up for them, then you have to be willing to understand what’s behind it and do not label it good or evil or pray or call for help as that is only a temporary fix the symptoms and side effects for those drugs/illusions/attempts are much worse. Plus its irresponsible those beings do not go away they either comes back later or goes to another person. So only you yourself must face them alone with out any armor of god, angels, guides or what ever. All that must be laid aside in order to truly be free from confusion. Diego often said don’t ever let fear get in the way or rob us of a possible communion. (more on this later.)
Yep there are some huge spiders here that’s to be expected in exotic countries and sleeping on the floor did not give me the most pleasant visuals but then again nowhere is safe from a spider they go everywhere even our bed. I tried to stick it out for a few nights camping on the floor but after the 3rd night I told Diego that this sleeping arrangement was not going to work for me. I thought maybe he would be gentlemen and volunteer his bed and sleep on the floor? So I asked if I could go upstairs and see his bed. When I finally went upstairs it was not as exciting as I thought it would be, there was however a huge bed and yep it’s a lot more comfortable and the blankets; well not the cleanest but cleaner so that’s an improvement. His whole house was not very clean; the kitchen was a place I tried to avoid though it was right beside my bed. Its ok its only temporary I kept telling myself and I’m not the cleanest creature either I have a high tolerance for mess, as I tend to be a messy person, but this was a bit too much even for me. Though it was nice that Diego did not mind my own mess at all it took me a bit to get used to his coolness about this, as my ex hated it and always made me feel terrible about it. So I still had remnants of anxiety of staying at another persons place being cautious of a persons red buttons and preparing myself to walk on egg shells and be ready to leave on a moments notice. But Diego was actually very laid back and did not freak out about, well, anything really. So then when I brought up my sleeping conditions again I could see he was not going to give up his bed; so he said I was welcome to sleep in his bed as well if I wanted. “You mean me and you stay in the same bed together at the same time?” I asked. And I was like oh no, please do not tell me he is like that. “Ok I will, but you should know I’m not that kind of girl, so do not get any ideas I’m just using your bed for sleeping eating, working and maybe building a little fort out of and that’s it. Do not touch me at all in the night. When I am in the vicinity of people (mostly guys) when I sleep. I can be a very light sleeper and I have some part of me that acts like a guard when I sleep so I will smack you in my sleep if need be, if you try to do anything funny while I’m sleeping.” (Maybe it is because I grew up with three brothers who liked to play pranks on each other when you sleep. Sometimes unconscious messages come to us while we are sleeping that makes one feel compelled to train themselves to be total aware of their surroundings what’s going on even hearing a whole conversation all while we are sleeping; or training yourself to awaken just before the morning alarm clock goes off so you do not have to hear such a horrendous sound. Its how one is able to read a book while having it under the pillow while sleeping is accomplished or understanding subliminal messages from the having the TV or radio on while sleeping is deciphered to. Actual the subliminal messages are even playing /speaking to us even if the electronic devices are turned off but unplugging the device tends to decrease this intensity. Telepathic communication is done easier while sleeping to, and not just that you can also visit people in their dreams I love so much about sleeping is the multi tasking things that can be accomplished like a computer being purposely left on and downloading a bunch of various things while we are sleeping or busy doing other things.)
I know its weird for me to threaten Diego with violence if he tries anything. I know what your all think as you read this Jess what gives did you not tell him when you first met the guy that you feel comfortable with him? So where did that go? No, its not that, I do feel comfortable with him but its my old conditioning and cautionary software inside me that was in friction with this?
Every night we stayed up late talking and talking, I could tell him anything and he seemed to understand that was rare alone, but he not only could understand but was always able to take it deeper; added new pieces of the puzzle, zooming in and out of each topic of micro detail to complex scientific macro detail and everything in between. He was/is so never ending interesting; how could someone know so much, be so clear, so sincere and curious?
Chapter 5 The Haunting of Ghosts from the Past
My first week in at Diegos is when I was asked to do a written video interview regarding my healing and jessage for a friends project. I really enjoyed doing this video, I filmed it on my own in the front of Diegos house. This video got a lot of hits and inspired a lot of people. There is some kind of candid magic in that moment this sense of peace that people sensed in me. I was back to old jess that they knew. That was a comfort to people and to me at that time. Here is that video link. Massage Planet News: Jessica Talks about her Body Work/ Jessages & Energy Healing
About a week or so into our new sleeping arrangements Diego asked me “may I touch you?” And I said “uh, well alright, just be respectful bub.” (I was always careful what I wore to bed nothing to provoke a man, layers and flannel usually do the trick, but a nice sleeping bonnet is rather helpful to; think of it as little house on the prairie style. Oh yes I had turning men off down to an art.) But non the less their he was reaching out to me slowly he touched his finger tip with mine like ET sensing my psychological inner ouuuch. He then slowly put his hands on my hands and arms and face shoulders and neck stomach and legs, feet as well. Actually he did not go all those continents of my flesh in one night it was dragged out one body region at a time. His touch was not a typical touch (nothing about this man is typical, everything he does and says is completely out of left field indeed most unconventional.) I’m trying to think how to describe it. I was pretty nervous at that time because I thought I had no other options. Knowing that I was so conflicted at that time, yet I knew I was fine and it was interesting and all with him but I was also annoyed. I really did not want to stir up this pot inside me, I did not even want to think about it, or be reminded. A big part of me wanted to be left alone, to not have to deal with the pawing of men. As a touch from a man reminded me of my ex, his face popped up and suddenly I was back in the past with him this escape to Bali was just a dream, and so Diego’s touch was immediately associated with pain and unpleasant memories. But I was here with Diego that was my here and now I reminded myself, so I had to deal with the flooding in of these memories. This was my only option till I could go back to Wolf’s villa and to my own bed that was waiting for me. Sure the villa was not the best place for me either but at least I had my own bed a huge lush clean canopy at that and so being there was somehow a bit easier to navigate myself away from memories that were not welcome. So I just had to put up with it knowing I had full control and no one was going to do anything with me with out my permission. Diego’s touches were soft and gentle but my mind would not let me enjoy those innocent moments, they were too corrupted by the past so thinking back to that moment is now recalled as bitter sweet. The best way to describe Diego’s touch, it was as if he was tracing or drawing something on me sometimes, perhaps the patterns and designs that he drew on his stones in the bathroom and other times it felt like he was typing a code on me as if I was an ipad/computer it was very peculiar. I mean really who the heck touches someone like that, really? He stayed away from my private areas which was good cause the last time I looked down yonder there were cob webs and I could have sworn I saw a tumbleweed go by. No way was I ready or willing to go there. But still I was not the most comfortable by all this because it was kind of well strange. I’m sure Diego knew it made me uncomfortable and actually I think that’s why he choose to do that, he is always so fascinated with our psychological internal suffering and struggling the things we try so hard to hide and avoid if you tell him not to go there he will go there anyway cause he can not stand to see us at the mercy of the past and mere illusory thoughts. It took me a long time to understand this fully and though I sensed he was wanting to help, he was wanting to show me something. I was not ready for it and wanted to deal with this on my own, it was just too painful to open up about and because of what I was going through at that time I could not read Diego or his intentions as well as I thought and I did not need this. It was just too painful for me to go there. So the next day I contacted Wolf and asked him if I could go back to his place yet? Ya, he was not my favorite person but at least I had a room and bed to myself there were I could sleep there with out worried about being touched and thus reminded of things I only wanted to forget. I just really rather be left alone and besides Eo was coming soon and Diego said he was fine with Eo staying there with him on the floor, hope it would not be hard for him to sleep on it like it was for me. And how would it look like to Eo if he knew I was sleeping in the same bed as Diego while little Eo slept on the floor? I thought it all rather awkward. The next few nights I told Diego to back off and leave me be, no way was I going to let anything sexual happen or even thinking about it was unbearable, and I just laid in the bed like a cold stone. Diego was not phased at all he just lay their in quiet contemplation occasionally asking me questions in order for me to explore the root of my suffering and that to was awkward and something I was not willing to go as well.
Chapter 6 Cards
The following day I was sitting out on the hammock contemplating how in nature the plants turn from yellow to green when Diego came down for his cigarette and said. “I want to show you something about the mind and how it works is that ok?” “Yes” I said. He pulled out some cards, ok cards tricks I thought. “No” he said “I want to show you something about your mind and how it works.” In his hand he had a stack of cards. “Ok” he said “look at the cards, can you guess where the ace of spades is? Ok he said try again, and I just followed along but I was not doing very well and was getting most upset damn it I hate being on the spot. My success rate of the amount of correct cards guessed was about 25%. “My abilities are shy,” I said. “Oh” he said, “you were so close you picked the one next to it. Your hesitating and not listening to yourself, why do you think that is? Its because your mind is busy he said in thinking, for example your thinking of 17 different things right now and your trying too hard while getting upset, so that means your sabotaging yourself to. I started to get annoyed with him on this; “I’m just not good at being on the spot” I said. “Are you sure that’s what it is?” he said? Ok then, lets try this, do you see that bird there?” he pointed to a little bird that was electric blue with a bright red beak “yes I said it’s actually my favorite bird here.” “Good he said “now think about that bird when I ask you to find the next card think only about that bird not the card.” “Ok” I said and I grabbed the card and it was the one he asked me to find, so he asked me to find another and I did, I improved dramatically. My success rate is now 90% accurate cards guessed all because I was focusing on the bird and not the card even though I was still on the spot. So what happened there? “Its just a simple silly remote viewing game he said. Anyone can do it but since they do not know their mind or fears, they have that always in the way of doing such effortlessly and if your clear and not confused and can remote view not just cards, but anything and anyone.” “No I said maybe its you doing it or its some kind of a trick?” “No he said its actually you that is doing it.” Diego really enjoy showing people their potential and what’s sleeping behind their mind. I was amazed even dumb struck maybe even a bit scared. When he shows how I can just know with out thinking, and just how much the thinking mind is in the way. He then said, “So when I’m/your wanting to understand or do something in particular try to get the mind out of the way by thinking about anything, but what you should do, and see how clearly what you actually need to know the best option for you comes to you. It’s the same how kids just know very complex and deep even prophetic things that seems to come out of nowhere. Or how nature is able to function and just knows. How does a bird just know how to fly? How do they know how to not crash into other birds? How does the snakes know where the water is to get to the frogs? How does a female animal know how to give birth with out reading any books or having any help from anyone? These things always fascinated me how do they just know? And why don’t we just know? We should know as well. Yes we should, but we do not know because we are so busy in our mind, trying to know and thus further disconnecting ourselves taking us further and further from nature and its sync flow. No matter how many out there try to tell you its perfect and meant to be it’s simply not true. It was not meant to be, all this strife and confusion for us, it is not all perfect nor meant for us to be so disconnected not at all. We do it ourselves with out beliefs and we do it to each other its a real bad unconscious habit that we collectively have, that we need to be aware of in order to break; so to start practice being aware of our understanding with out learning muscle.” Diego then said could I show you something else?” He handed me the whole deck of cards he said look at the first card on the top so you, only you can see it, do not show me or tell me what it is. I did and he then told me what the card was, I grabbed the next card he got that one as well, was he reading my mind? Using my eyes to see the cards? I went through the whole deck he was 100% accurate. I looked at him in total amazement. He said, “I am not special or gifted, nor do I have x-ray vision, it’s not magic either. Its actually mathematics to understand with out learning” he said this in such a precise, certain, artistic, nonchalant, playful way that it was astonishing to witness. He continued on, “In the case of the cards, its not me its you, yes I was able to see the cards through your eyes. If one thinks with the wholeness of their mind then they can do the same and then some, this what I do with cards, is just an example, but know if it can be done with cards then it can also be done with out cards.
Its how we can all be if we were first willing to go past and think past all our beliefs/fears be it religious spiritual or what ever, those thoughts are an obstruction to our birthright potential, if we are busy in with and through our mind searching for more answers and knowledge then we will never know what we always knew.” “I know I said, I know I always knew I just forgot, we all forgot. If we understand fully and deal with the fragmentation wall in our mind then perhaps we will never forget.”
Chapter 7 Back at the Wolfs Lair
A few days later, Wolf was ready for me go back to his place but not before Diego gave me a gift of a black silverish stone of some sort it looked like hematite, which is my least favorite of stones, I do not like hematite at all. I would later find out that this was no ordinary stone it was a kryton. (I will explain what a kryton is later on.)
It was arranged for me to be brought to the shisha lounge again where Wolf would collect me, the very same place were Diego first collected me. I’m sure it must have looked odd to the staff to see this girl being passed back and forth between these two men. But again nothing is what it seems. Wolf seemed to be happy to have me back. Apparently my energy was better then his girlfriends not that I cared. I just took it as it did not go to well with his time with her and yep I was right. Wolf gave me an earful on how jealous she was how she did not want to share him with anyone and bla bla. During my first 2 months in Ubud I went back and forth from Diego and Wolfs place, again things were up and down with Wolfs girlfriend so I had to leave at a moments notice and last minute being all packed I would find out oh Wolf and his on again off again girlfriend are hot and heavy again and other times they never ever wanted to speak to each other again then back to being madly in love, oh man give me a break. So that ended up with me canceling my plans, oh crap internet is down, I did not have a phone so things like that resulted in me standing up Diego a few more times. Sometimes I would be thinking i would be able to meet him somewhere then end up being late at the mercy of Wolfs schedule and not able to call or reach Diego to let him know or just plain confuse or forget the times. I was like a bouncy ball at this time caught up in the tumultuousness drama of other peoples lives. But at that time I was still glad to be back at the villa and I missed the monkeys and the Internet was better there to. I asked Wolf to help me create a flyer for my workshop or to at least find a good place to hold it at as Losita would be here soon;( the lady whom I was doing my workshops with and the whole reason I was traveling in Asia to begin with) but Wolf always had an excuse when it came to really helping me.
The baby pup Pig we rescued was glad to see me to, glad to see she had not forgotten me. Wolf was up to his old tricks working even more hard to show off and play alpha male to all his friends and employees even when a male super model arrived. Now Wolf was offering me a spot in that eco community he was building and my family was welcome to come and stay there to. Ok but what did he want me from me that he was willing to do such for free of charge? As other woman came to the villa he charmed them all, they were all eager to get with him and they did ewe.
The villa was started to feel like a brothel, so the next time Wolf or one of his employees went to town I would make plans to go with them and go back to Diego’s. I caught a ride with the engineer from Scotland, he was the most sincere person at the villa. I felt the most comfortable with him. He was married with a daughter he was working with Wolf so he to could bring his family out of cold repressed Scotland so they could live with him in Bali. It was also his responsibility that the water hydraulics clean energy device worked and the poor guy was under so much stress and pressure to make sure it worked for all these influential people, that Wolf brought over for demonstrations.
Chapter 8 My First Video with Diego
No sooner that I was dropped off sure enough there was Diego waiting for me right on time, never late like Wolf. Diego was smoking a cigarette fiddling with the lighter when it fell into the ditch but he picked it up wiped it off with his shirt and acted as if it was as good as new. (ewe) “What? he said its fine, germs do not have to be bad or our enemy. It all depends on our relationship and the ability to assimilate it.” My thoughts were right ok what ever.
Back at Diego’s place he asked me how everything was going at the villa I told him it was going great, and Wolf was an amazing man and they were doing such great things for the light workers and I wanted to do a video interview with him and the project but he is not ready yet. I sent Diego their website. “Did you look it over? Truly exciting stuff, they are geniuses right? You know I said I really appreciate you being there for me helping me out with everything so I want to do something for you… I was thinking I would do a video with you and have you share your project with my audience as you and your work are rather interesting and maybe others can benefit from it to? I will interview you like Opera interviews her guests. “Who is Opera” he asked? “Really you do not know who Opera is?” He really truly did not, he was not into anything mainstream, he did not read any books either. Its refreshing but also strange because he knows so much, how does he know so much? Where does it all come from? “Ok I said Even though I do not agree with your message fully there is no reason I can not play devils advocate, besides if this is able to help others then its worth it.” “Ok lets do it he said, but my English is not the best, and its not such a simple thing that can be summed up in an hour but we will try.”
I asked him what he is going to do with all this understanding that he had he mentioned the End of Fear project he was working on. “Ok lets talk about that to then. As I am always looking for a way to help others with their project.” Also I wanted to do something to show my gratitude to him for taking me and Eo in. Also I wanted more people to hear this guy talk, but would they understand the things he talked about it was so deep and complex and his Italian accent so thick and so soft. And what would my audience think of him? Would they judge him cause he wore all black or talked about the dangers of love and light? Would they think he was evil because of this? Diego wore black everyday the same clothes everyday the same hair style spiked up like a porcupine, the same dark shades and a cigarette never to far away from him. What would my audience think about his views on the new age and spiritual speakers? Would they think he was bashing them, or a misinformed, or would they see what he was getting at? Or would they not focus on the message at all but him and feel annoyed with his knowing, I’m sure people would think who is he to say such. As if one needs to be certified in someway to speak especially if they refuse all labels. Though it was a bit offensive to me as I am seen as a spiritual speaker I could not argue with him the man had a point.
here is the first video we did together, its funny for me as I had no idea who this person was going to be to me at the time. Jessica & Diego: Fear is the Cause of Depression, Anxiety & Sadness
Chapter 9 Verbal Jousting About Light Workers
As you see in the video his work was all about fear how its linked to depression anxiety and sadness I know so many are dealing with depression even my best friend was struggling with this so maybe it could also help her. As for me well, I’m not in fear, or depressed nor do I have anxiety or anything so his work I felt did not really pertain to me. That’s what I thought at the time. Nor did I agree fully with what he was about, his views on light workers being totally messed up. I’m a light worker after all, but I’m not messed up and confused. No, it can not be fully true, he is just perhaps jaded and cynical, too many light workers judging him because he wears black and brings up things that are well not the most pleasant positive and love light stuff that people want to hear. So yes it would be a risk for me to interview someone like him but perhaps even a bigger risk not to share? He reminded me of the Grinch being excluded from everything until one becomes bitter but that was not the case with Diego it went a lot more deeper. It’s a shame he felt that way though because he was not alone their were others out there, that felt the same as him, but he kept saying, “Where show me one so called spiritual person that is not messed up that understands? Show me a light worker that not only sees the dangers in what they are promoting but also is willing to admit and do something about it? (if anyone knows of a light-worker or conscious person that is not messed up then have them contact us cause we are still looking for one.) Always when I talk with them he said and push them to go deeper they crack under the pressure they can not handle it and they turn on me saying, I’m evil, when all I did is show them things inside them; only to have them freak out and run for the hills.” “I’m a light worker I said do you think I am stupid?” “No, he said your just confused and your not a light worker you just think you are its not the same.” “What do you mean, its not the same how so?” I asked. “Your not attached to your labels, your idea or your identity, your willing to inquire past it and let it all go if need be. Also you never fit in with the light workers not really you always felt something was off, but you were not sure what. You had empathy and liked to talk about mystical things and found yourself in a leadership position.” “Well yes that is true I said, I know how beliefs and labels are just stepping stones to understand a greater truth. Its dangerous to lock a truth in an end all be all. Its precisely why I always say there are no limits just beliefs.” “Right, he said so then what does that make beliefs? Lies they are all lies that’s why the word belief has the word lie in it.” “Well yes, I agree I said I know your right as my poems taught me that, the answer is always in the question or in the very word itself, its linguistics, that’s where the trap is the more one understand and looks into entomology the more one understands. So you see I understand that much so how dare you say I am confused I’m not. And I cannot let you put down the light workers like this, they are my family. I have a responsibility to them to look out for them and guide them accordingly.” He said, “Give it some time and perhaps you will see and understand yourself, your situation and what you think is your mission more better.” “Stop it Diego, stop talking like you know me and my life you have no idea.” “Oh I know you, he said, I know you very well, but I can’t tell you as I do not want to manipulate you.” Then he walked away lit a cigarette and a small smile showed up on his face as if he was sharing some inside knowing with himself. This was not confidence that Diego had, as confidence has doubt and insecurity, and a standard of comparison, he just seemed to know and he did not care that he knew. But how my brain raced how can he know me so well? How can he know me better then I know myself? Who the heck is this guy Anyway? I said “I know there is something that can change your mind that will help you better understand and see the significance in light workers and that is a trigger of love. Yes that’s it you may have lived this way your whole life, why I bet you have not had any girlfriends at all, what with you being so content on your own. Its understandable someone like you that is so unique finding a partner must be real challenging. But there is someone out there that will love you then you will understand.” I stated confidently feeling that I had figured out Diego. “I do not need someone for or to love” he said. “Everyone does” I said. “In time you may see things differently he said. I said “But love is the most important thing, isn’t it? You agree with that at least right?” “And did someone tell you that he said?” “No, my heart told me.” I said. “Are you sure” he said. “Yes” I said stubborn and determined to hold my ground and paradigm. He just does not understand I thought but maybe in time he would. Then I decided to play hardball I would try to get him excited about his partner of the girl I saw coming for him I described her as clear as I could. Most people get very excited when I do this for them and they ask me more questions about this person I see for them. But Diego just lit another cigarette small smile on his face and responded with “I do not care. This means nothing to me.” “Oh come on Diego, your so stubborn, you must care, everyone cares.” “ Well I do not, nor do I need/want your feeble predictions, its not going to change my life. I know my life and myself, I know how to co create with life so I do not need someone else’s predictions or ideas about my life and what they think I need. So many light workers say they create their own reality but then they go and speak to psychics and mystics for predictions about them and their life what is that? I’m not the one that is suffering from such a lack after all.” “Nor am I, I said I’m better on my own anyway. I’m more happy to, I only explore relationships because it’s what’s expected of us and I get super curious about certain human experiences dynamics and synergy sometimes.” “I know he said. I know all your little strategies to he said, you’re nervous now but don’t be.” “How could I not be nervous he was quaking my paradigm, unraveling me. It started seeping into my mind though little bits of doubt what if he was right, what if the growing rise of interest in spirituality was linked to depression increased as well?
No way I thought would I let this get me upset. I will keep my light heartedness, my faith in love. I would keep challenging him, there must be some cracks somewhere with him? In which he can better understand light workers and love, I was determined to find it? I would try all kinds of angles and approaches playing devils advocate. I wanted him to see that he was missing out on something wonderful, and question his own certainties.
“Ok I said I’m going to meditate and do some yoga now.” He did not say anything he just went up stairs at that time I had no idea his thoughts on yoga and meditation. As for me I never meditate but my friend Mr. treks who I wrote about in my Malaysia blog (a trekky Buddhist monk) gave me a special mediation that he said could help the world and I promised him I would do it as often as I could, if it would help the world then why not? So there I am sitting in the lotus position trying to stay focused and in peace but did you ever notice the more you try to hush the mind and focus on particular thing the mind wants to rebel and think of useless commercial songs that you heard years ago that you had no clue you even remembered which leads to another thought and another then next thing you know your on such a long thought train you totally forget what your original task was and when you do remember you get annoyed with yourself for being such a stubborn monkey and then you try again and you fall asleep. Something in me always rebelled every time I made an attempt to meditate. So decided to do some bikram yoga instead I had a whole class recording from Bikram himself and Bali was hot enough so I did not need to go to any studio besides bikram yoga for some reason is no where to be found here. So I change into my yoga gear and try to be all graceful and concentrated and Diego comes down for his cigarette break and boom I fall down. ok get back up ignore him pretend he is not there just stay focused jess, be all zen and all one and such, you can do this, you’ve done it many times before but alas I could not get my yoga groove on with the Diego crow hovering around. I wondered if he had something to do with my inability to pretzel myself when he was around, acting all innocent with his cigarette but perhaps he was just curious and had to come down and check it out what I was doing and what kind of energy I was producing. Was he using his energy to throw me off? I would not be surprised. Perhaps he sensed the snobby annoyed energy I gave off. Of course he did but he has a precise way of approaching someone asking questions that really were little bombs for the psyche that make you rethink all that you think and do. “What was that you were doing? He asked softly. “Its yoga I said want to try?” He politely declined. (As I write this and now knowing him as well as I do now I think what I would pay to see Diego doing yoga it would be so funny I would surly have to record it and put it up on our EOF group.) “Ah it was yoga, he said, I see. I thought it was some military training.” “No not at all.” “But why do you do it he asked?” As I got into the various reasons one does yoga I was like ya right you know what’s this is really about to. His little subtle questions turned into a case that is one of the biggest reasons people do yoga is to cover up some confusion and struggling, or just to feel more spiritual. As I looked deeper into this, why I was really doing yoga and why I even started I found that damn it he was right again. I was stressed being haunted with the ghosts of the past and inertia /frustration of my present situation, and I was feeling less spiritual because of it. Ok it was a bit of drug but there are worse drugs right, I just needed a small fix for the problem though it did not really help, I just made myself believe it did, like the placebo effect. Which he also clearly identified as well.. damn ok fine Mr. Diego you win this round. I needed to have some other clever contenders and then I thought about bringing Diego over to the villa to have an actual chat with Wolf oh would that not be an interesting conversation both men are very intelligent hmm, he would help Diego better understand the significant work the light workers do, that could impress him to and maybe I could arrange some other friends that could come as well I wonder how well everyone would connect perhaps network and collaborate on projects?
After another couple days at Diego’s and fully annoyed with him and his mind bombs and so I went back to the villa besides it seemed like Wolf had a job for me and I needed to work, so I went to look into this opportunity.
Chapter 10 Tensions Rising at the Villa
Again Wolf was prowling me, but I was resistant though rumors were starting that we were together and no matter how I tried to say that was not true, no one seemed to believe me or care what I had to say. Then Wolf told me that he was going to spend 5 days at his girlfriends place and another engineer was coming by the villa and he had given him my room and bed but since he would be away I could stay in his room and bed, which was nicer and bigger the deluxe suite. Which was fine until the second night when he came back in the middle of the night stripped down and crawled into bed and held me as if we were together. Being poked awake in the middle of the night is most annoying I mean really go use that thing as a coat hanger or something or take a cold shower. He tried many times for something to happen but I would not allow it. I went into cold stone mode speaking of stone the hematite stone/kryton that Diego had given me lay in my belt wallet beside the bed. And there was Wolf trying to push something to happen so I held him a little bit, I’m really too tolerant sometimes but why was I putting up with it? I let Wolf get away with more then with Diego and Wolf was a beast compared to Diego. Perhaps it was because I felt I had to. I would put up with it for as long as I had to be in Bali but I would not give in. I was putting up with his advances for my family, for my soul family, the light workers and maybe also as a way to show my ex I can be just fine with out him and accomplish my mission. So with Wolfs advances I was not ready I would say I need time, I’m on my woman time of the month, whatever excuse I could come up with. I would bide my time in order to pass the time. What other options did I have? I tried to suggest that I do not mind sleeping on his couches but to him that idea was preposterous. Then in going out for food or to restaurants he would publicly grab me and no matter how many times I told him not to do it he would continue to, as if trying to wear me down. And I was furious with him and the gossip going on at the villa everyone thinking we are a couple even though I denied it they were like “Ya right you guys were sleeping in the same bed”. “Yes but nothing is happening” I said. “Ya right jess you expect us to believe that.”
I confided in Shy about what was going on at the villa and least she finally believed me which was nice but then I learned she was a lesbian like jessica Shackleton as or no wait Shy clarified she was bi sexual and she had a bit of a crush on me to, well ok great, can’t have a break with you either uh that reminds me I need to go and check on the monkeys bye bye miss bi.
Chapter 11 Alchemy
Then a new girl came to the villa, she was brought over as a friend of Shy’s and we made an attempt to be friends and hang out her name was Belinda. We hung out for a day and she invited me to come for a visit and her place we had a taxi drop us off and it turned out she lived just across the street from Diego after me and Belinda spent sometime together I told her I wanted to walk around the area on my own. I recall being at Diego’s I kind of felt trapped their to as the town was strange to me, and I did not know where anything was, or where to walk or go. We all need somewhere to go, and so I picked a place that I knew Diego told me he did not feel comfortable there at all. It was a green smoothie salad bar kind of a place with home made vegan organic raw treats packed with wheat grass, spirulina, the place is called Alchemy Café. The prices were insane and everyone who was in there were people who had dread locks, people mostly wore either yoga clothes or leather and feathers it’s the latest fad for the spiritual trend. We live in a world today where it’s more important to look and act smart or look conscious then actually be those things. I could see how Diego could be so uncomfortable in such place he would stick out like a sore thumb the only black crow in the place with all these people that had an air of acting like their farts don’t stink. Oh right excuse me, they were healthy and conscious people who eat expensive salads but still judge. Even me I could feel their eye on me when they thought I was not looking i was not that comfortable either but I could handle it. I thought it odd how this place claimed to be 100% organic and GMO free but I know it was not true Bali is 100% GMO and sprayed. Most everywhere in the world is most places that try to tell you or tell you otherwise is lying I found out the hard way. But still so many gullible believe and trust. First of all the soil is depleted of enzymes, and the water is not the cleanest not to mention the air to so rather then trying to fight this GMO Monsanto beast which is not working at all as the more we try to cut the heads off the hydra millions more spring up in its place in every country. You can not help but wonder if that’s not working why do we keep doing the same thing? rather then going to the root inside themselves to stop this once and for all. These people were healthy psychically not always with this diet but what about their minds? Most of them we really messed up in their minds, raw food vegan diet for the body MacDonald’s obese diet for the mind. The minds growing fat on fantasy and delusion of consciousness. Perhaps there is something inside us we are not looking at or willing to deal with that we hide from ourselves not taking responsibility for the GMO thoughts as most have become conditioned to point the finger at imagined enemies instead. But I wonder is that really easier? Wolf and his friends like my ex were all so into spirituality and even were careful what they ate but living with these people, trying to be something they were not, made me feel like they were GMO unto themselves and unto all that is natural and good in this world. Most people think of them as highly spiritual and conscious I was now starting to see them as highly fake and Diego was right again. I was starting to see the world through his eye. Is this what spirituality has come to is it really that backwards now? Even in that arena? The only thing organic about this place was the rat and cockroach droppings as no kitchens no matter how expensive or health conscious are clean. Also this cafe Alchemy had a huge cell phone tower coming out of it on the top, ya that’s super healthy, and when I learned that the upstairs was a place to get colonoscopy where some people go everyday and even make their kids do it (talk about spiritual not so conscious child abuse), this made me suspicious about these raw organic chocolate treats they were selling here.
This was going through my mind as I made my way through this raw food café. If I did not feel comfortable in this place why was I here I was wondering as I kept wandering around aimlessly then the reason was revealed to me there in the corner of the café was a familiar puff of hair. An afro puff to be exact. I would recognize that afro-puff anywhere, Eo! Oh my goodness that’s right, with everything going on in and around me I totally forgot the day the day that Eo was to arrive on and my unconscious randomly led me to him while my mind was busy in other things. There he was munching on an extremely expensive salad like a rabbit, to him the salad was cheap as Australia was an expensive country. What ever I did not want to get into this right now with him. I just wanted to enjoy him finally someone that knew me and would not make me feel uncomfortable, that would respect my boundaries. “What are you doing here? I mean how did you find this place? This is a small town that is so far away from the big main city. I’m sorry I could not find you any sleeping options Bali is really tricky, if you do not know where to go.” “Oh its ok I decided to contact that Diego guy and he had said it was no problem for me to stay with him. I have been here for a day now. I tried to offer Diego money for letting me stay with him but he denied it.” “Really I said and what do you think of him? I asked, do you think he is weird or anything?” “No to me he is hilarious a total character of his own making.” Eo said. “Yes I said he is quit funny, and he does not even know he is funny, he is just himself. He is a nice guy but he is not very spiritual and a bit jaded.” “Well Eo said your used to that aren’t you?” “Yes but Diego can not be compared with others he is in a category all his own.” I then went on to tell Eo how proud i was of him this was his first trip all on his own away from his country at the same age as when I started on my travel adventures. “Next up Africa Ghana I said, I know how you have been dreaming about it for so long, to find your long lost family relative puff that are similar to you.” “Ya, jess I was thinking your going to Africa after Bali, and you plan to be there for a while so maybe I will meet you out in South Cape town and then from there I will go find my family in Ghana?” “Well I’m not sure Eo, I’m a bit hesitant now to go to Africa, me and Jess are drifting and just seem to be on different wave lengths. It’s really strange every time I talk to her I do not feel the closeness anymore. I do not feel comfortable at all now, so I’m really not sure. I walked with Eo back to Diego’s place, it felt better now with Eo being there and I was so happy to see that everyone was getting along there was nothing weird going on no male competition or petty squabbles or anything. But then again Eo does not talk much at all no instead he was yet again my silent witness. He seemed to really enjoy my interactions with Diego and our verbal jousting debates. It started to become a game, a sport. I tried my hardest to not be bested by Diego. Eo was enjoying how we both were so stubborn were neither one of us was willing to bend. Its ok soon I would have him at the villa, and Eo to, maybe he will be able to at least stay at Wolf’s eco community as well? I also decided to bring Taz that was helping me with my website and marketing maybe there could be an opportunity for him to? In order to set all that up, I went back to Wolfs place but I was not sure how much more I could put up with. Looking back I cannot believe I kept going back their wow I can see how out of it I really was at the time.
Chapter 12 A Visit With the lord
Wolf kept acting like he needed me and I was important to him coming up with new jobs for me. But if I asked him to help me with this work shop that I came out to Bali to do, and some help with my website he was always to busy and had many excuses or made it seem like my work was nothing compared to his. That I knew nothing and he knew everything, and I needed to learn from him, that I needed him, this also really irked me because my ex did the same tactics. Oh Shizer, the memories and the past were closing in on me, there was no where I could go to escape them. The more I resisted the more it persisted and got even more intense for me. Wolf then reminded me that he was holding a big dinner with Lord Bath and he wanted me to be present to help out. Which is another reason why I left Diego’s place as I promised Wolf I would help him with this, I did not want to let him down or ruin some great opportunity, or maybe Wolf just wanted to create some reasons to have me their with him especially when things were not going well with his girlfriend was I his rebound or something? I had already my strategy for sleeping arrangements I would stay up late and work Wolf would get tired and go to sleep and I would try to pass out on the couch.
I was informed that this Lord Bath was known for his Leets castle estate in England he even had his own zoo on his property and many wives. The day of the event arrived and I got to meet this Lord, he looked like a cartoon character, he was very old, his health was failing but Wolf told him about all the best healers in the world that he had connections to even tantric masters that would fix him up good, and best sellers and on and on that could help him. You got a problem only he has the solution, just like my ex both like shyster used car not so conscious remedy sales men. I sat on the couch watching this Lord who was rather eccentric and dressed in dark royal purple crushed velvet from head to toe with a matching burae hat oh his head. He kept mentioned how much he liked chess. But we did not have a chess set so we promised him for the next meeting we would have a chess set for him. The Lord also had his family and close friends with him whom I could not relate with; they were all just well way too snobby. I was not impressed as I kept thinking what am I doing I am not like these people and I cannot pretend to be like them to just fit in. is this my life is this my mission really? It was getting harder and harder to justify such to myself as it started to feel less worth all this BS, that perhaps I was deluding myself? I have never been in the presence of such higher echelon people before; I did not know to communicate with them. So i did not say much, i just observed they where all such characters that reminded me of something from a Charles Dickinson novel. The Lord was not too happy to be in Bali he wanted to be back home at his desk of things he kept bringing up, until I asked, “Why do you miss your desk so much?” “It’s my desk it has stuff on it I have lots to do.” I am sure he missed his own private personal zoo to. I then went back to being silent observing, in some ways though, I was proud, I felt like a success to, look at me with these people all talking about consciousness but the other part of me felt like I was a fake even if I was not participating I was still present and the energy was most unpleasant. Where was all this coming from I realized that Diego was really getting into my head, I was starting to think more about the things he kept bringing up and seeing some fragments of what he saw. That thought led me to wonder about Diego what would he think about these people? Would he be impressed by how conscious they were and the projects they were doing? And what about Eo? What would Eo think about Wolf? Eo has always been looking for a place to stay like an eco community. I was getting excited for everyone to soon meet. I could not contain my curiosity of what everyone would think of each other and what would come from such an interaction?
Chapter 13 Diego and Eo Meet Wolf
Then the day arrived when I had all my boys together Eo, Taz, Diego to meet Wolf and his crew at the villa and the monkeys to. Eo was not feeling well that day but still came along anyway. He was not impressed by Wolf at all or the project and after meeting with the monkeys and shooting some video of Pig the puppy getting his tail pulled by the monkeys he laid down on the couch. Taz was very interested in what Wolf shared and they exchanged contact info. Wolf was not very interested in my guests as they were no one important to him in status, projects or money, or tits but he did enjoy trying to impress and show off to them all.
Diego kept his sunglasses on and stayed detached and distant from everything and everyone even the monkeys he just observed silently smoking his cigarettes. He spoke very little even though I tried to engage more conversation between him and Wolf. I wanted them to pick each other’s brains. When Wolf did his presentation power point about the eco vision project and all his other projects in the middle of the presentation he saw I was over by Diego and Eo and he gestured for me to come over by his side and like a good trained dog without even thinking about it I went by his side and he put his arm around me as he continued on with his presentation again to show I was his property just in case the guys had any doubt. Now that I think about I’m trying to understand why I even went by his side like that? I guess I wanted the guys to know that I had a close ties connection with this project so if Wolf did not like them they could get in through me also. I did not want to jeopardize the light-wokers connection with the project through me either, I had to play nice and play the game so I thought. Then Wolf showed his clean energy devices for Indonesia same thing he shared with the politicians a hydraulic electricity faster cheaper and cleaner that could save Bali with the energy crises they were having. Finally Diego spoke up he asked Wolf a question regarding the decided location of the eco community it was supposed to be on an island that was a whole wild life preserve just for animals and plants no humans. Yet Wolf was making plans to get in their thinking it would be ideal for only conscious people to be, that they somehow had a right to this pristine non polluted land after Diego heard that he went silent again. A little later on Eo’s sickness got worse and so I tried to do some healing on him I asked, everyone else with abilities to help as well, everyone did their best with their energy and when I asked Diego if he could help me heal him. To which Diego responded, “I can but why?” It was so unexpected that me and Eo burst out laughing. Taz and Wolf did not get it and were puzzled by that remark. I mean who says that? Then that was pretty much it, Diego was done and ready to go and Eo needed to be brought back to rest, but started to feel a bit better after laughing from Diego’s comment and everyone left it was just me and Wolf again and his employees.
Chapter 14 Opening Portals Of Confusion
Wolf realized I was starting to lose interest/ respect in him and his experiences so he made an attempt to bring out the big guns that’s went something like this he started to me about an experiment he did at his villa that he wants to do again and would like me to be present for as well. It was to do with some crystal technology in Sweden that had a direct connection with the ley lines in bali and some kind of copper pyramid and a frequency device while they were meditating, chanting using mantras sacred sound color and crystals they managed to open up a portal that made one of their friends disappear temporarily and their place another person from another time. Wolf shared how this replacement looked like came from the mid evil time and was rather annoyed why he was there or summoned, odd thing was he did not seem to be surprised that he was there just annoyed. He was not dead nor a spirit just a man who somehow just appeared. While this was going on the pool was filling with this strange jello like purple slime extremely peculiar (like in the movie Poltergeist when they came out of the portal covered in similar purple jelly) the longer the portal stayed open the more purple slime filled the pool. Then when they stopped the purple slime disappeared along with the man from the mid-evil time and their friend was back from being at place that was described as something like the mid evil time but it was not so who knows where that was. This is just one of the many interesting out there things and story the Wolf told me and all of it was true. I just wanted to give you an example of what kinds of out there things he shared with me to give you a better idea of what the typical conversation was like there. (When I shared this with Diego he said this is very dangerous to do when confused and if you do not have the precise coordinates and that they most likely will release a predator and get a bad surprise and for what to be more conscious? To him its irresponsible, and said movies like Steven Kings “The Mist” is not fantasy you know, stuff like that can and does happen.) A few days later I made plans to go back to Diego’s and when I informed Wolf of this at dinner he said ok but I would like you back here for next weekend as the Lord Bath will be returning and I want you to amuse him. I need you to keep your eye on him for me, keep him busy and distracted by playing chess with him. So make sure you get a chess set as well. Such a strange request I thought but ok I will not forget I will see you then I said. I was eager now to leave Wolfs place as he had no intention of giving me back my own room and I was becoming more repulsed by him his vulgar comments and arrogance, my tolerance was running thin. Though apparently at that time I was addicted to his psychological abuse and could not even see it.
I then changed the subject and talked him about what Diego shared with me about that he was able to read the fractal energy in peoples energy field, that could be read like computer soft wear that gave you all the information about a person right off the bat, everything you needed to know plain and clear broadcasted on their aura like a neon, in your face, eye rape, commercial add. “Oh just think? I said getting all excited at the possibilities. If we would all do that? Then no one could really lie or hide no one would be fooled by others, especially if they were a wolf in sheep’s clothing? That would be wonderful don’t you think?” Wolf did not like this at all perhaps cause i was talking about Diego and not him. “Did Diego tell you that?”Wolf asked I said, “Yes, he did. “Poppycock , he said, nothing but sheer nonsense, that guy is a total fake.” “Oh really I said you think he is fake, interesting ok so, tell me how do you know?” and he said “oh I know.” In my head I was thinking but as it goes as far as evidence Diego was solid there was nothing fake about him. He walks his talk which is extremely rare, while most everyone around me in just a short amount of time showed their true colors, either they were fake, or struggling with their own shadows and unable to even help themselves, that’s the thing about hiders they can only hide for so long and tend to fluctuate lots. Diego never changed, never fluctuated, never raised his voice, or lost his cool, nor did he ever stress of the whole time I spent observing him. I should know I was watching him closely looking for any cracks in Diego’s character. I tuned back into the moment to hear Wolf still continuing to bash Diego saying he was this and that and that Diego does not know what he is talking about he is not as conscious as him and bla bla. Then Wolf changed the subject to tell me he was leaving to England for a bit and I was welcome to accompany him and also to Mexico for the big 2012 end of the world shift celebration that would be held there. He had also made arrangements to set up the same eco community out there and open a portal of confusion out there as well, but he himself was a walking portal of confusion. I had enough of Wolfs offers and temptations. Ok that’s it, get me out of here, I got up and left and walked all the way to Diego’s place. I would arrange to pick up my stuff later.
Chapter 15 Getting to Know Diego
I suddenly started to feel so much more comfortable at Diego’s place I felt like I could finally breath. Eo was happy at Diego’s to, the swimming flotation floor bed did not seem to bother him at all. I spent the next couple of days and most of my time with Eo going out to eat and explore. I would go out for as long as pleased not really telling Diego my plans. I did not know that was important, i was just enjoying my freedom doing what I liked coming and going as I pleased not having to answer to anyone. I did not do that on purpose I’m just not used to telling someone my plans as I do not see the point as it always changes anyway. I did offer Diego to come with me but he always declined and when Diego said no there was no talking him into doing anything he did not want to do. He would not do things to please anyone. I wanted to stay busy and productive but enjoy my company as well. Eo came out to see me after all and I felt responsible for him, I promised his mother I would take care of him. When Eo and me decided to spend some days not doing anything and just chilling at Diego’s place. We would spend most of our time having conversations with Diego. We would talk for hours and hours about anything and everything many debates, friendly arguments and lots of verbal jousting on my views and his views. Eo would just watch it all very amused with our banter. His accent was very amusing to us, most of the time funny and Eo would often do impressions of him. At first I would get very upset with Diego he seemed to be negative a cynic jaded towards humanity, no hope for them, but he did want hope for humanity and he kept challenging me to give him a real honest good examples or find him someone who is not confused. But every suggestion was thwarted by cold hard facts that I refused to admit, I just could not see what he saw (little did I know that I would soon see what he saw, and it was so shocking that it shook me to my core but I am getting ahead of myself.) At that time I was just the opposite, of him, I would state my case why he was wrong to which he would give me yet another perspective and way to think not just one but various ways. I chose to be stubborn, still holding firm. Ah he was so annoying and frustrating but every now and then I would say something that I thought I verbally check mated him or so I thought, as he would go silent and with a slight grin. I felt bad for him I thought he would learn someday perhaps he would meet a nice girl that would change him as love can un-jade people right?
He would silently observe me with a paper and pen writing down something what I thought were notes or something, he seemed to be very curious about me. I would try to talk to him about Eo and he would say I’m not interested in him I’m interested in you. I always hear this from guys and I found it annoying but little did I know it was not at all what I thought though I see i had to go through all the phases to find out exactly what he meant by that. Diego was just so peculiar and lived in a world all his own. I could not imagine him ever having a girlfriend. Diego constantly blew me and Eo away with his knowledge/perspective/perception/understanding/gentleness, he seemed to know about everything, there was nothing he seemed to not know and he shared so freely openly scientifically, psychologically, poetically, emotionally in such a sincere, integral innocent but firm way every time. He was very generous and considerate of all life forms, big and small physical and non.
I remember thinking how could he possibly know all these things? His life was completely ordinary in that nothing significant happened to change him like most people, saying they had some awakening or trigger or something like that. He does not read books or study anything, never watched TV or read on the web either. So where is it all coming from? Its not humanly possible to know and express all the things he did, no one I had ever met came close to knowing and sharing what Diego shared with us, not even Andrew Basiago time travel child. I kept asking how Diego could possibly know this, if he did not read, or study at all, it was like he had access to another internet that he could download in an instant in staggering detail, dates, names places, articulate on a micro macro level all shared in a funny accent. He seemed like he lived 1000’s of years of full conscious full memory but not suffering emotionally of all the trauma that was endured through history, but observing understanding the historical patterns clearly and precisely. Everything mystical that human have experienced or animals/nature/ ETs can do he had a science and math equation that seemed to come out of nowhere, he could write it down to no problem. He could explain tesla and Davinchi technology on any terms or preferred background you would like. It was like talking to Anastasia in person, or how it must have been for Vladimir. When I would ask him how he knew all this, he would smile that knowing smile of his and say. “Its public domain.” “No I would argue no one talks or comprehends like this but they all try to access such a fountain of understanding.” “It is public domain he said, there is nothing special about me anyone can do this, and know this, its available to everyone but people are too busy in their minds lost to their drama identities beliefs hopes archetypes too distracted searching to ever see what is there in front of them.” “No I said if that were true some others would be able to do the same that’s not the case with everyone.” I challenged again. “It is because people are too confused and in fear they are not alive or awake especially the ones who think they are awakening or awake.” “No I said its not true.” He continued on “Too much fake is in the way, most people are not themselves and will never be themselves they search and fight for ideas of themselves but its not them this gets in the way of their public domain access.” “Do you mean the akashic records?” I asked struggling to find something familiar this public domain. He asked “what’s that?” I explained it to him and he laughed. saying “What a primitive feeble attempt of modern spirituality scam to explain thus. We are technology,” he said. “Yes I said, I know, I share that often in my videos and poems.” “So how come you talk about soul archeology but not inquire deeper on soul technology? If I send you a video by email where is the video exactly? Can we see it move through the air the either? Can you feel it before you get it? Can you decode it and what’s behind it like your computer can? And what does it mean exactly what is it exactly? If we do not have a computer to do such then people say its magic or something but its not its natural. We invented computers/internet right? Or did nature already invent it? How come we do not realize what we make and invent we first can do on our own? It’s because of fear and a fragmented mind, which is what has been nurtured our whole life since we were born. The way the public education system of schools works is exactly like MK ultra trauma and hive mind. The trauma being in fear of being judged and humiliated or not being good enough, all the time, being forced to pick a group an identity and then have the school subject taught separately by an authority fear based way.. what do you call that exactly? It must all be taught together not individually. So many things we are not seeing. We judge we read about Mk ultra but refuse to see how its being done to us in the most subtle ways imaginable indirectly then we do it to ourselves. So how many things are we not seeing? Are you sure you see things with your eyes or maybe through your brain? Are you seeing the world as it is or how you are with all the things that we do not want to see? We do not even know what thoughts are; sure we know they are energy but what kind of energy? It’s radiation energy. What’s inside of a thought? How do thoughts work exactly? And deeper and deeper he would go to make his point.
Yes Diego wears black everyday the same clothes pretty much everyday how he handles the heat in that attire I do not know I sure know I could not do it. When asked why he wears black all the time. He just said I like it. I have been dressing this way since I was 15 years old before the matrix movie came out so that abolishes that theory that he stole this look from the matrix maybe they stole it from him? Sure he said I get lots of flack for wearing this I get accused of all kind of things cause I wear black but I am not changing for anyone. I had to admire his determination to be himself and do what he felt no matter what the world said and tried to make him feel about it. When I asked him what he thought what the world thought of him and his unique Diego ways he said why should I care? Another good point. In pondering more on this I thought about Einstein how he only wore one outfit to he decided to do this after he realized how much brain cells he wasted on what to wear he then went to the store and picked out one outfit and bought all the duplicates of that outfit. I then decided to ask him why he put up pictures with yellow eyes? And he responded with. “Suppose a kid was born with yellow eyes? Imagine how hard his life would be all the judgment he would receive? This world is obsessed with maintaining the normal and nature keeps making an attempt for something new something to push people out of their comfortable normal boxes. If they say its evil I say are you racist? and of course the person says no I am not but if they have a problem with something different that is what they are racist and they do not think why they are upset with these pictures. They just judge and that’s it hold onto it for the rest of their life. I have to admit, at first I did not feel comfortable with the pictures cause I was not able to understand why he felt the need to make unsettling images. But I was open to finding out why. As for thinking of him as evil I never really believed in it as most people do. To me it was always backwards way of living, I did many videos and talks on that subject as well. Diego continued on “what we think is evil is really a misunderstanding and lack of communication, are snakes evil? No they are just predators, that’s how they are made to be. To me though anyone who says something is evil that tells me two things they are in fear and totally ignorant, people who say such do not think and are afraid to think; to them thinking is evil. Real evil is someone who calls something evil with out bothering to understand what it really is or taking responsibility. If anything they are the ones that are evil they are the ones that are a conspiracy of/to/by themselves. They do not know what evil is. Apparently knowing a-days to think or question is evil. I like to make people think in as many ways as I can to get them to use the wholeness of their mind not fragments here and there. The people who seem to have a problem with my pictures and call me evil because my pictures are unique, these are the very same people who are the very ones who love horror and violent movies. My pictures have not one drop of blood in them actually the color that is most used is green its nature, many birds insects and reptiles have yellow eyes. There is no evil in nature it’s a man manufactured invention. My pictures are specifically to stimulate the mind to think past their conditionings of what they are told to think about something rather then actually look and think deeper and more profound. “
From what I have personally witness is people who are willing to consider this and ponder past these ideas and their beliefs, who are willing to be honest not fake or hide or play any tricky games have an incredible experience with Diego the ones that do not either run away screaming or leave silently never to visit again and totally pretending they do not know him if they bump into him on the street. He struggles to understand this strange human behavior. The people that know him and are his friends have nothing but good things to say about him. He goes out of his way to help single mothers be it either to make Halloween costumes for their kids that are super imaginative and creative (Diego’s creativity is something else all together as well. I onetime saw he made an alien bird costume out of a bike helmet and feather duster mop for example.) I have seen him go to the store to pick up feminine hygiene products for friends in need. When I saw he had no problem doing that I asked him to get me some to when he went to the store I chose the brightest pink pack I could as I thought it was the most funniest contrast for a man all in black. Then I saw Diego’s couch surfing guest book it was a thick book full of glowing reviews and what’s this he had a girlfriend what must have that been like? What was she like? More on this later. Diego had hosted over 400 people in the 3 years he lived in bali and it was through coach surfing that he learned English as when he first came to bali he could not speak a word of English. When we met he only learned English two years ago, and there I was always speaking at lightning speed. There he was saying the most profound deep scientific things struggling with his accent and trying to find the right words. I did my best to take him seriously but when I heard him say F-eye-secks instead of physics, his pronunciation of the letter (i) was always pronounced with an (e) So I am from Eeetally, I’m eeetchy, instead of itchy, he would say shientifical rather then scientifical which is not even a real word but he likes to make up his own words, I could not tell if he was saying he was hungry or angry, he never said clothes he referred to them instead as dress, for example I like to wear black dresses and so our deep conversations were often interrupted with laughter as we struggled to communicate. But in truth his English was so much better then mine some of the questions on English grammar he asked me I did not even know, and reading his writing he used so many words I had never heard of before. That’s not bad at all for someone who just learned English two years ago I cannot even speak one sentence in Italian.
Chapter 16 Dangerous Beauty
When I found out Diego was from Venice Italy I was intrigued, yes the world tends to have this romantic idea about Venice Italy but its nice only for tourists not if you live their I got a crash course information in how bad/insane/expensive Italy is getting and what he shared pretty much turned me off of ever wanting to go there. Its not a good idea to be in a western country at this time as everything is collapsing it must. He left Italy cause he asked himself do I really have to live my whole life this way struggling to get by, it makes no sense its not life, he wanted to be away from all that somewhere that was peaceful. Also Diego is not really Italian as far as I have seen he does not fit the bill of the stereotypes, for one he is not violent or into the pope or mafia at all. Yes he talks with his hands but so do I so I know that my hands are Italian. Only really Italian ways/clichés I have seen about him is that he likes, wine, cheese and pizza on the occasion pasta but its mostly too heavy for him. He hated having to be expected to eat huge amounts of food all the time, he eats very little and ever so delicately like a princess bird while I eat like Homer Simpson. Though he says that pizza and pasta is not actually Italian it comes from china originally the noodles were made out of rice then the Italians made the noodles out of corn actually well that’s interesting, who knew that? But man does this guy like his cheese I never seen anything like it before. His favorite is rockfort blue cheese, which to me is just disgusting, to it smells and tastes like 100 year old socks and 1000 farts. (I remember thinking at that time mental note don’t kiss this guy) He also loves his pizza so far he has ordered it every night for the last 3 years, mama mia that’s a lota pizza. It took him two years to train the Balinese to get the order right though it’s the simplest order ever they still manage to make a mistake, if you repeat the order thinking they did not hear you, you may end up with 2, or 3 pizzas delivered to you. Its amazing how they can always find a way to mess up the order. Anyway I was intrigued that he was from Venice Italy because at that time my favorite movie was Dangerous Beauty and I wanted him to see it cause he had not seen it and I wanted to ask him something about it. I like this movie cause it is really well done, good actors, good writing, beautifully shot very intelligent not cause there are super steamy sex scenes which was awkward showing him the movie when those parts came up I blushed and looked away to indicate to Diego I’m not hinting at anything here. Nor is it the romance of this movie that really makes me like this movie but the way the movie indicates the insanity of the church, religion and God of the holy inquisition at that time, it seemed people knew it was insane especially in Venice. It also made me think about being conscious in a time like that how many had burned because they were different or because they used their mind when others did not, or cause they were sensitive or just simply ahead of their time. So many inventors from Italy that have revolutionized the world always seemed to be up against opposition of stupidity. I just was so fascinated granted this lead character was lucky its based on true story that she did in fact survive in this way and she was honest the whole way which is no easy task especially in that time. Me and Diego shared the same views on god and religion the only difference is he had the courage to say it publicly with out fear and I did not. I was always nervous of religious fanatics I mean how many have cried and died even had their mind destroyed cause of such beliefs whether you believed or not. He made it clearer how holding such beliefs even subtly unconsciously was an act of violence and irresponsibility. (More on this in the next blog.)
Chapter 17 Bali Does not Care About Time and Schedules
Another thing about Diego was/is he always looking out for me and Eo anticipating all our basic needs, open to drive us where ever we needed to go, and he was/is easily approachable and willing to talk about anything to anyone who is willing to understand nothing was too out there or taboo for him. However most everything you ask him he always manages to bring it back to the thing we need to pay attention to first and for-most and that is our psychological inner fears and confusions. He seemed to be in communication with everything talking to the trees the ants and suggesting us things to ponder on. But it was hard to contemplate the things Diego was trying to convey as my mind and emotions were very busy and in so much turmoil, anguish and frustration everything seemed to not be working out going too slow and I was running out of time I still had to set up this work shop and Taz kept sending me more soft-wear to look up and learn I was getting overwhelmed and annoyed with the energy of Bali which Eo found as well. It’s like a tsunami of lethargy this place makes you so lazy its too hot to do anything and then you feel bad for not getting anything done. But that just goes to show how conditioned we are that we need to be busy and do something otherwise we are losers who wasted our time, its not ok to just be and go with the flow that bali has. Bali does not give a damn about your plans or schedules. Some people cannot handle this and they end up going either bored or crazy because of it. I tried to do some meditations and yoga to help me be more zen but it did not work, I was getting desperate as meditation was not something that ever interested me before. Was a searching for a solution in meditation? Was I that disconnected from myself? Was I still so messed up from my ex boyfriend gus even after 6 months of traveling and being far far away from him? What could I do to break this pattern and fully free myself from the ghost of my ex who frequently haunted me?
Chapter 18 Fractal Binary Code Psychological Analysis Map
At night Diego would still be curious about my body and wanted to resume what ever he was doing last time but I decided I was not going to be at the mercy of men putting up with them I would be firm this time. And I told him no more can you touch me even though it was not sexual I just did not feel comfortable to which he responded “why is it some nights your ok with it and other nights not, could you draw me up a note of which days are ok with you and when its not?” I was not sure what to make of this. Was he really that innocent? It was so unexpected that he said something like that that I could not help but laugh out loud. It was actually pretty funny I mean who says something like that? I tried to explain to him though I was not sure if he got it or if he was alluding to something else that I was not aware of? I don’t get you I said you seem to be so different but then in the night your just like all guys, why do you want to touch me? His response was “you do not understand I do not want to touch you for what you think, its not that at all, but interesting that you always think that. I am actually touching you to get information.” “What I said wow if I have ever heard a line or a story from a guy before this was the mother of all, what does that mean? You expect me to believe that?” But he then rolled over and went to sleep or so I thought leaving me to further ponder what he said. The next morning I woke up very late Bali makes me so tired i was sleeping so much at that time when I finally woke up he told me that I had was very different when I was sleeping so he had two different relationships with me in his observations my sleeping and waking self were completely different. Your very clear when your sleeping you are precise you know what you have to do and you do it. In waking life you get a bit of information from what you accumulated from all the places you go while your asleep but its not enough and so you’re not as clear and very distracted and confused. Here he said I drew a map and language of your fractal dream sleeping self, and also your psychological analysis. I looked at the paper and I was dumb struck, it seemed to be some strange language alien in some way and hieroglyphic mixed with Mayan, Aramaic, binary code, and of course mathematics there were strange patterns shapes patterns and numbers I had never seen anything like it. It’s an equation he said, I have been doing these since I was 7 years old. So that’s what you have been drawing all this time. I could not stop staring at it I kept it by my bed and under my pillow till the paper started to get wrecked so he took it and I never saw it since. Diego continued to share with me such fascinating things, and I asked him all kinds of questions some he would respond with as “classified” which I now know means I had to dismantle a certain amount before I could understand otherwise I could take it the wrong way and manipulate myself with such information, which is something he tried to avoid at all costs, he was not scared about this just cautious there is a difference.
If Diego was not human I would not surprised at all, I just wanted him to be himself freely, if he was a different form that’s fine, if he actually had yellow eyes I would not mind either, its sick in this world that we have to hide anything different about us tying that idea to being different somehow makes you less humane when really it seems its just the opposite.
Chapter 19 Double Booked
As the days went by it was soon time to go back to Wolfs place to keep my promise to play chess with the Lord from England but it just so happened to be the same weekend of my workshop with Losita, which was the whole reason I came to Asia and even Bali. I came to set up the workshop for us and go. Diego helped me make flyers put them up around town he knew all the places to go. But no one replied to the flyers, I think it was too last minute and the flyers may not have been appealing to the public as Diego added his own unique personal flare that is not necessarily publicly appealing. Losita was a good sport about it that when I told her that the workshop is not going to happen. Being laid back like she was, she said ok no problem we will just have a little visit/vacation. She had booked it that she would only be in Bali for 4 days, she had some people with her a girl from the Singapore and Malaysia workshop and Gizmo from Australia. (Refer to Australian blog to know about gizmo in short we flirted, he wanted something to happen but I did not and then realized it was not wise this person was not right for me at all but he would not give up after I tried to explain this to him, he tried staying in contact with me as I traveled around though I did my best to keep my distance and now here he was coming to Bali.. surprise) shizer, I mean I remember him saying he was considering it but I did not think he would actually come, now what? Introduce them all to Diego that would be interesting. Or bring them all to meet Wolf? When I got back to Diego’s I was still struggling about the promise I made to Wolf.
Chapter 20 A Paradigm Shift from Diego
As soon as I came back cue in Diego he came down for his cigarette break, but it was as if he sensed my decision had been made. “Still struggling he asked in a nonchalant manor?” “Yes I said. Hey what gives how come you never struggle? How come you don’t get angry? How come you always know what to do and what to say?” “Because he said I’m not confused.” “You must think I’m stupid?” “No I think your confused, your not stupid because your willing to understand and think deeper on things, no matter how hard it is or how much it upsets you that’s not a sign of stupidity to me.” “I’m not, I was always told I was stupid, ok according to you I am not but instead I am confused?” I said. “Yes very much so he said, In what way? I asked and I went on to say listen your not being very helpful if your just going to point out how messed up I am right now rather then help me figure out what to do?” “I’m not going to tell you what to do he said instead I want to ask you one question.” “Why do you want to go back to Wolfs place?” “Because I said I made a promise.” “That’s not a good enough reason are you a slave to your promises? Afraid to let others down and live with the guilt of that to which you will punish yourself for? Do you not see when you make a promise to a person like him it’s a form of manipulation that he gets you to do to yourself? What about the promises you made to yourself? Why are you prostituting yourself for him?” “What do you mean I am not doing that how dare you.” He replied with, “Yes you are your going to see him and you struggle cause it does not feel comfortable and its against your will. Your doing it cause you feel you have to but you don’t that’s prostitution, your sacrificing yourself for this. And for what?” “You do not understand I said you do not have a mission or thousands of people watching/ depending on you to help them.” “Ah so you your saying your mission is to sacrifice yourself put yourself in situations of unpleasantness for others benefit he inquired?” I said, “In some ways yes, I will do what ever I can with in my moral code to help others. You may not see people the way I do, you may not see their potential, their hearts their beauty, but I do, I do not see them all messed up as you do.” “But Jess what about your potential? What about your freedom and clarity? Do you think yourself to be a martyr? Is that what you really want, are you sure?” “Well yes I will sacrifice myself for them if need be” I said. “And that’s why you struggle he said answering my first question. Did you not just sacrifice yourself for the last 3 years with your ex for your family’s sake? And was it worth it? What do you have to show for it, even if it worked out the case with your missing brother you still would be feeling stuck cause you would have lost something else. No. You did it cause you thought you had to for your mission and for others sake and cause your guides told you to right? Your at the mercy of your mission is that what you want to be forever controlled by it? Are you here to be controlled by your guides your mission really? Do you see a squirrel struggling over the same things? Do you think your mission has your best intentions in mind or even necessary really, even if it means you are to be a martyr? A martyr means to die for what you believe in, remember beliefs are lies, are you sure you want to die for a lie, are your beliefs worth it? Are they yours or someone else’s idea? There to give you some purpose some justification some identity to live with yourself to feel validated but it fake is it worth it? to die for something that is not really you? How can you help others if you cannot help yourself? How can you expect others to be integral and not struggling if you are? How is that an example? As what you do to yourself are you not unconsciously mirroring that to your followers, promoting for them to do and be the same? Then they to in some ways are being sacrificed and feel that to do the same with their mission, so to be just like you, how responsible is that? Are you ok with all your followers and kids being martyrs to? Is that really what we are meant to do? Is that what you want? Because so many have this mentality and it’s seen as noble and just that is how we unconsciously give permission to the illuminati to sacrifice people. Can you see it now unconsciously what you’re doing and saying, how dangerous it is? Do you want people to be stuck and psychologically abused going through what you went through? How crazy/confused and dangerous it is? All in the name of spirituality, consciousness the shift are these people really spiritual or just hiding behind it and using it to get away with what ever they want such as Wolf for example? Did you feel comfortable around him and his people? Is that the shift and signs of human awakening or are they just deluding themselves? My jaw dropped I could not say a thing. He was absolutely right what the heck was I doing going back there? Diego continued speaking I sees the way he treats you like his property that he owns and how he talks down to you all the time, just like your ex, and after all that has happened that wolf has said and did how were you surprised when that night he tricked you to sleeping in his bed, then showed up later naked trying to have his way with you, but you resisted and were successful one way but not another cause you still put up with it, you still would go back? “What? How could you possibly know about that? I did not tell you that I blurted out. I did not tell anyone.” “It does not matter I know” he said. “But how I said? He made a small smile “Do you really think that stone I gave you was just a stone, its not? It’s a kryton I told you that, did you not think I was not telling you the truth when I shared with you all the things that are here that I made are actually what I said they were?” “But how?” I said? Then got upset, “so was that stone that kryton a camera or something? I said is that how you knew? What you were spying on me” I said? I was completely aw struck what the… Who the heck is this guy? He threw me into so much contemplation and the more I inquired and realized what I was doing what was going on I started to get angry. I started to become aware of why I was attracting people like my ex to me constantly on this trip. Because of my idea/beliefs of what was expected of me from my mission, how everyone think they are a slave to their mission and have to put themselves in compromising dis-powering situations in order for the greater good so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. So far I was lucky but for how long? What is the greater good anyway another scam? How could I expect anyone to respect me if I was not respecting myself? I decided I was not going to keep my promise with Wolf instead I blew him off and decided to meet with Losita and Gizmo. (Note Wolf is not a bad person, Diego never put him down, he was just confused as well and this is the result of it not being addressed or contemplated with the totality of our mind. The reason I shared so much about my time with Wolf in detail as I feel others are in a similar situation similar kind of people and by sharing my pattern of confusion maybe others could see theirs as well in order to think about what they are doing and thus free themselves. After this conversation I have not seen Wolf since, I do miss the monkeys.)
Chapter 21 My Meeting with Losita and Gizmo
I brought Eo with me as we made plans to meet up at a restaurant Diego did not come as usual though I was now even more curious and entertaining the idea of what would happen if Diego met Losita and Gizmo, what would he read from them? I was thinking perhaps after our lunch I would bring them back to Diego’s place to meet him. Our reunion however, did not go as i expected it to go at all. Gizmo was being very cold and distant to me as if he was upset or had some expectations that he would romantically surprise me in Bali I would see how he was a changed man and then we would be together but since I hardly spoke to him the last few months he decided to show up for the lunch meeting and totally ignore me. He did not try to flirt this time or persuade me, no instead he was ticked off with me that I cut ties with him but I had to as even Eo noticed he was acting very obsessive controlling forceful, wanting to talk to me constantly as often as he liked and not willing to understand when someone does that to me then arrivederci (Italian for good bye) I am gone. My tolerance with this is nil to non. And cause of this Gizmo was quite upset with me and wanted me to know it, by being a brat. I wondered did they really want to meet up with me or only doing it out of duty? When I went to meet them at lunch with Eo I tried to make plans Gizmo was like nope we are busy, nope we can not do that to anything I suggested. Gizmo was being a real pain good thing him and Eo and the other girl from Singapore decided to go for a walk to monkey forest that just left Losita and me together alone to talk. The first thing I brought up was “what the heck is up with Gizmo? Why would you bring him here if you knew he was going to play these games? How come Gizmo is being such a pain I asked her?” she said “oh he is becoming more enlightened.” “hardly” I said. She seemed to always be defending him as if he had become her new protégé. She said “he is not so bad he has so much potential, I really think you should give him another chance?” “Are you kidding me is that why you brought him here to set me up with him?” In my head I was trying to understand what was going on she knew he is not right for me, what was she saying? Was she upset with me to? Maybe I let her down and became a flake in her eyes? I could not even be counted on to get a workshop going on my own. I do not know what is going on here my mind was spinning, she was losing respect for me but I think I was losing respect for her to. I came back from my mind racing to hear her talking about her ideas and plans about some future workshops with Gizmo and all the countries we have potential bookings for. She listed off all these exotic countries. But I said I was not so sure about that now plus somehow I had to fit in Africa with Jess Shackleton, or was that an excuse? as I did not really see myself going out there either but still felt it as one of my options and the most tempting one at that. There was also talk and plans for me and Taz we were considering to move somewhere else in Bali or Thailand that would be a good place to work out of and get our projects off the ground, at least I knew I was safe with him he had no crush on me or interest like that. Then Losita went on to share with me all her latest spiritual experiences and insights but something had changed in me, try as I might I could not get myself to pay attention to anything she said. It used to interest me and excite me but not this time not at all.
We tried to talk about other things but for some reason every time she spoke I could not pay attention, I could not hear or understand what she said it suddenly stopped making sense, it had no merit or importance.
Was their something wrong with me or did Diegos words shake me to the core that I was having an unconscious existential paradigm shift? I was surprised at myself I tried again to really listen and understand her spiritual journey, downloads and shifts but instead I suddenly felt sleepy I could not stay awake I kept falling asleep as she spoke. It was odd what was going on? I came to and I apologized again and said I’m sorry I guess I am sleepy or not feeling well I think I should go back and rest for a bit I will contact you the following day. Losita acted like she was ok with it but I do not think she was cause after our meeting I never really heard from her again Gizmo to they spent their days doing their own thing and left.
As I walked back I tried to make sense of what just happened? What was I going to do with them now that they were here? After such awkwardness do they really want to hang out with me again? If they did what do I do with them? I guess I felt bad for brining them out here for nothing. I also wanted them to meet diego but non of them wanted to meet him, making up strange reasons as to why they could not, they probably checked his facebook profile out and got weirded out well we know what that means know when people respond that way. Did I really want to scare them away even more so by meeting Diego? If they could not even handle the pictures and posts and already were judging? But what is going on here I thought these people were conscious? But now it started to seem like fluff, they were still a mess lost in a cloud of illusions forever chasing after them, people who promoted them selves as awake and aware, he was right about that. It also seemed like what they were saying did not have enough stability depth or interest compared to what Diego was sharing. But wait a second I thought I did not agree with his views on light workers, but that did not matter I was started to see very slowly what he was getting at but it was happening unconsciously first and then consciously. (After that I event I have not seen or heard from Losita or Gizmo, they just disappeared from my life.)
Chapter 22 To Understand the Flower
It had been a month now staying at Diego’s place with Eo, I was always worried that we were imposing on him in some way but he said not at all it was a pleasure to him and we were welcome to stay as long as we wanted. He never asked us for money, or to do anything we did not want to do. We had total freedom no judgment and no expectations from him ever it felt great. He never made us feel bad about not doing anything productive with our time, never asked us to cook or clean he always took care of it silently peacefully, though he would also give us things to contemplate about to go deeper with in ourselves. If I would fall asleep on the hammock I would find myself sprinkled with my favorite plumaria flowers. Other times Diego would make plumaria flower pattern pictures on the table for me to wake up to find. If he would give me flowers I would give him flowers I thought, so I picked one from the tree and went up stairs to give it to him. I thought he would be touched by the offer but instead he said “please do not pick the flowers from the tree.” “But I thought you did the same and how did you know?” No he said I found them on the ground the tree had dropped them.” “Ok I said I will not pick them from the tree only if its on the ground. I was only trying to be sweet like you” I said, trying to give him a compliment and show my gratitude. “No I did not do it to be sweet or romantic I did it so you could understand the flower. If you care about something or someone like a flower for example you do not pick it or try to control it you let it be free, you let it be it self completely. Your natures to, just like the flower. When the mind is no longer busy, when get out of living in your thoughts and the past then you can tap into the wifi that all of nature knows so well. Then you will be able to see or rather observe of what you could not see before. Don’t worry you have time no rush.” I had no idea what to make of that statement.
Even though I felt free I still some how felt restless & would often disappear with Eo most of the days as I thought Diego was busy on his computer, his place was nice but boring there was not much to do here, so me and Eo would go wonder around and hang out. The whole time while I was alone with Eo, I would talk to him about Diego. He was just so fascinated to us I have never met anyone like him. I shared all things that had transpired with Wolf and Losita and all the things Diego was sharing with me and all the things he did and how he functioned, he Eo listened to it all my silent witness. The guy was a total mystery wrapped inside an enigma. He was a really good guy. I told Eo how a few weeks ago I had made a note of the pros and cons of both Wolf and Diego as potential boyfriends for the heck of it, just to better understand what I think I want or what I think is good for me, and how I decided that both of them were not right for me but if I had to pick one I would pick Diego, hypothetically speaking of course. But to be with someone like Diego I was not really totally open as I felt something radical would have to happen as we still had very different views and goals in life. I’m sure the light workers would think I turned my back on them. Plus he smoked and I cannot stand cigarettes, and I was not attracted to him (at first though I sure liked his eyes, his smile those dimples and that beard and gentle nature), and he smelled too much like chemical hair spray to. As I talked to Eo about how me and Diego never would work Eo just sat there smiling as he was seeing already that I was falling for the guy, it was apparent to him but not to me, im always the last to know or admit it to myself it seems.
Chapter 23 All Life is Welcome
Then came the day where Diego told me he was going to Singapore for about 2 days, and the house was mine and Eo’s for the duration that he would be gone. I was moved by his kind gesture and his trust to stay in his place while he was away. Diego told me that every 3 months he does a visa run to Singapore and that place is like a hell to him it is completely and totally fake everything is about commercialism and status, technocratic, everyone is zombified by their iphones, there is nothing natural there except the botanical garden which is located in the center of the city which was his haven when he has to go there. He can not stand anything fake or commercial, fancy cars do not impress him, business corporate, or what the world thinks is successful, cool, conscious and sexy turns him totally off. It actually makes him physically ill, the guy can not stand anything and anyone fake it does not matter to him who you are what you have and what you look like if your fake then arevadarchi. He constantly points out how this is a mental disease to be into such things. It would be a hard trip on him it would drain him to be in such artificial energy and make him sick to be there where nature was very much controlled there and I had to agree as I felt the same thing when I was there. He was to leave for his flight at 5am so he would have to wake up at 2am and motorbike for an hour and a half into the city. I can not remember exactly what it was we were talking about that night in bed before he left but it was something were I was very emotional to the point that I was crying and kept him up pretty late which I felt even more awful about as I knew he needed a good nights rest so he would be able to do the drive on his bike to the airport but I could not help my emotions. He stayed up listening trying to comfort me though he was very tired. I think he only ended up getting 2 hours of sleep and I woke up with him to make sure he was ok and if I could help him with anything but he was fine he was totally sufficient there was nothing he needed from me nothing for me to do for him, which was and is kind of hard for me to get used to and accept. I hugged him and said “you come back safe ok?” I was worried that since I kept him up so late and he did not have much sleep that he was going to get into an accident and it would be all my fault. I worried about this the whole time he was away. Eo was not feeling very well; he was starting to get some nasty allergies due to Diego’s house being so dusty and filthy.
I have to admit I am not the cleanest person myself; I do not like to shower much just here and there. I am weirded out by the chemicals we use to clean ourselves as it does not seem natural to me no animal cares about this. Dirt is a more cleaner then cleaning product actually. I rarely wash my hands, my hair is always a mess, I do not care if my clothes are filthy they always are, my room was always a mess to, every were I go I left a mess or chip trail, some people recall my video of me packing I just basically throw everything in any how at all and then sit on the bag until I can close it. My mom would always joke and say if she ever become rich she is going to hire a maid just to follow me around and clean up after my mess. It was nice that Diego actually appreciated my mess to him it was some kind of art, and never gave me a hard time about it, like my ex gus always did. Diego was also very particular about why I wanted to do the dishes he always knew if I was doing it cause I thought I was a woman I had to or if I wanted to do them cause I thought I owed him something, both of these reasons bothered him, “you do not owe me anything and also just cause you’re a woman your not expected to do the dishes. Woman have been suppressed throughout history cause of this, your not a slave” he said. He was very emotional about this seeing the unconscious brainwashing in woman and was quick to destroy that kind of thinking conscious and unconscious right away.
So anyway as I was saying, yes, I am not so clean but even I have my limits Diego was way worse then me. The mold in his house is life to him it has a right to be there as much as we did. All dirt and mess to him was life. Animals of all kinds were welcome in his house, to him it was not his house it was a space he was sharing with nature. So we had all kinds of guests everything from cockroaches, spiders, ants, hornets making a hive on my suite case, birds, snakes, beetles frogs, tons of lizards, dragons in the bathtub, spirits, chickens, giant bats, wild cats and dogs always came for visits and Diego always fed them. They were all his friends. He made a point to feed all the visitors in the house purposely spilling red wine so the ants could enjoy but then get drunk and crash into each other. He would never throw out any food even egg shells he always put it in the bushes saying “there is always some bug that will enjoy this” so I learned to do the same even the peals from produce foods went out in the jungle, though I often used lime and its peals for under my armpits as a natural deodorant it worked really well. One time I forgot to throw the peals in the jungle and left them on the counter and Diego being the strange one he is apparently loves to eat lime peals no sooner did he finish eating them I asked “what happened to the peals?” he was like “oh I’m sorry I thought they were for me.” And I told him what I used that piece of lime for he did not seem to care at all. At a certain time of the night if it rained and the light was on we would have blizzard of thousands of retarded insects that would flock to the light and just crash into each other lose their wings and get eaten. Diego said it was like christmas for the geckos. The bathroom was just full of ants, there are these little red aggressive ants that would always bite me every time I went to the toilet so I had to do yoga postures when I had to use the toilet just to avoid them but they still got me. I was most annoyed with this but Diego said “give it time they are just getting to know you they will leave in a bit anyway they are almost done their thing.” Also he would not let me kill any of the mosquitos they had a right to do their thing to. I could brush them away lightly, or learn to communicate with them. I was amazed with how quick the reflex was to kill them. But then I came up with an idea I would catch them in the air and shake them in my hands then let them free and they flew as if they were drunk as if they were pretty discombobulated no longer interested in dining on me. The mosquitos never bit Diego I suspected it was cause he smoked or cause they were his friends to. One time I made a horrible decision to smell his socks I guess I was not thinking, I was just trying to decide about laundry what is clean and what is not, I do not know where my brain was at the time cause that was not wise decision at all I swear I almost passed out and could see through time. You could not pay me enough to do that ever again. Not to mention one time I looked in his dresser of socks only to find maggots making a home in there I closed the drawer that was a bit too much for me though it did make me think of Davinchi he was said to be so filthy that he had huge amounts of dirt in his boots that he never liked to remove them, their was even a plant growing out of his boot somehow and that plant was perfectly happy somehow getting all it needed to grow happy and strong so maybe this is a sign of genius I do not know. But anyway back to Diego’s messy house.
I was still beside myself with worry for him I was not sure what to do with myself so I did something that is extremely extremely rare for me to do. No one could ever make me do it my mom gave up trying to get me to do it a long time ago. My ex expected me to do it and I would do it cause of fear nervousness and anxiety but it was not a natural desire like this was. I went to the market picked up the broom, dustpan, mop, and sponges and beer. I started to go on a cleaning frenzy, and I was very detailed about it I cleaned all his empty bottles underneath the sink, random containers and every nook and cranny. I washed every dish in sight even the pots and pans that seemed to be there for ages. Eo knew that I never clean and so he was amazed watching me go like a machine non-stop. He said “wow look at you cleaning your mom would never believe it she would think you have a fever or something. You must really like him.” “What? No Eo its not like that, im just uhm I do not know I just want to do something for him” I muttered off talking to myself under my breath. I put the beer in the fridge, as I knew that Diego liked beer every night he drank a bottle and a half and a whole bottle of wine but never got drunk off of it. I only had a few sips or less then a glass and I was done for the night. After cleaning up a storm and organizing everything the best I can in my own way as I am organized impaired. I only stopped cleaning cause when I moved his dish rack a big spider named Harold came out and I freaked out and said “ok im going to have a little break.” I waited expecting Diego to come back but he didn’t and I was so worried I stayed up all night thinking what could have happened to him. I heard a noise and I looked up and I could have sworn I saw his shadow but Diego himself was no where in sight it was not till early morning the next day that Diego came up the stairs I was so relieved I ran into his arms and gave him a big hug “oh thank goodness your ok I said. Was everything ok? Did your trip go well? You’re not hurt are you? Are you drained from the energies of Singapore?” “Yes yes I’m fine he said as he went into his house to put down the bags he came out right away saying what the heck happened to my house did you clean it?” “Yes I said now Diego is an observer and does not seem to miss a thing. You cleaned inside my fridge and stove even underneath everything you did not have to do that?” He knew it was a big gesture on my part. “Yes well Eo was getting sick cause of it I said their was mold on the walls he was coughing and wheezing I had to clean” I said. “Ok he said well please do not think you have to always clean my place your not my or any-ones maid. I can get someone to clean it no problem it will cost me a bit but at least you guys will be more comfortable.” He was acting like our comfort was important to him that is something someone does when a person is paying them to stay there but we were not paying him anything he did not want anything anyway. It was not like he was rich either, he did not have much money either but he would not let money rule him or what he did. I was impressed with this, and after he came back from Singapore we ended up becoming more close.
Chapter 24 Little Miss Muffett
Sat on tuffet (toilet) contemplating her words and how they sway then along came a spider that was always seemed to want to be beside her and frightened Miss Muffett away until one day she said fuck it im tired of this spider fear and wanted to understand it so as to be free from it. That is exactly what happened one night while I went to the bathroom I saw a huge spider on the floor I was so scared I called for Diego. I did not know it at the time but Diego told Eo I bet she is screaming about the spider in the bathroom. I was so scared I started crying and telling Diego that I can not go to the bathroom until this spider named Harold, has left or removed not killed then I proceeded to tell him all the reasons I was scared of spider and how it could jump on my face and bite me. Diego said “oh this spider is not so bad he is my friend look.” He put his hand right near the spider pointing at it and talking to it then he was able to touch it and it did not move at all as if it were frozen or something. “Can you trust me Jess when I say that no spider will ever bite you in this house, now come on touch it I have asked it to stay still and not leave until you touch it.” I was petrified I could not believe he was asking me to do such a thing I begged to be let go from doing this but he was firm and said “touch the spider.” I would move a bit closer to it then freak out and move away I yelled I screamed and moved back and forth crying close then far away. This went on for about 40 minutes until I finally touched it lightly on the leg and it moved so quickly I screamed and ran out of the bathroom so fast that I knocked poor Eo’s hand into the door very hard. I was not really proud of myself for touching the spider, I was more upset with myself and how I acted cause I was in fear. I remembered a time about 5 years ago were I did not have this much of a fearful relationship with spiders. I could speak with them no problem and they listened very good to me so what exactly happened? How could I fall so far away from myself? I did not know that if one works on their fear and makes it to about 80% not scared anymore but does not continue to work on and understand the fear totally and often enough that if you let it slide then you will undo your progress and pretty much have to start all over again. I was so distracted with my life and all the attention I got that I neglected most of my inner work, I had no time for it. As for Diego making me touch the spider well wow most guys do not say that they usually say I will protect you then they kill it or remove it from the ladies presence, feeling proud of themselves thinking they will get a kiss for sure for this. But if the man or anyone protects you from your fears by killing or moving it away from your presence then technically the fear is still there. Out of sight out mind not really it lingers and haunts the unconscious, the memories are enough to haunt. So the fear is still there it’s just gone temporarily like how pharmaceutical drugs work always addressing the symptom and not the root. Could a man protect you not from the spider, which is not really your fear but the ideas in your head of the spider, which are also not true? How can someone protect you from your mind? To do such would enable the person and would surely be a disservice. It would eventually lead to the internal fear making anyone close to you into a reason to fear him or her as well or fear their safety until the relationship is destroyed by inner psychological fear. Diego did the right thing by helping me face and understand my fear, but that’s not enough he said you must also communicate with it. “See how and why you fear what you do, why it’s a lie you convince yourself is true otherwise you will never be free from existential fears. Which is where all fear comes from, and most fears are a lie and are not to be taken seriously. If you can go deeper and be honest with yourself and see the house of lies you have been harboring when it comes to your fears then you can finally free yourself of those fears. Do not tell me your one of those people who believes we are all one, but not with spiders they are not separate from us they represent our unconscious mind and the unpredictable. When we have a fear of something that is natural in nature then that is a sign of a mental illness to Diego, such as people who are afraid of germs for example. It’s a sign that something is very wrong in them psychotically and totally out of balance a warning sign its up to us how we choose to respond to it, the more extreme and OCD we are with the fears the worse it gets and that determines the fate of our mental state. To accomplish such takes time its not an overnight fix it needs constant attention observation with out judgment and comparison to learn your fear patterns, to break them once and for all. I had only taken a step in that direction I still had lots more work to do and it was not just with and about spiders but it was an internal spider web connecting all my fears in my life together even some that I was not aware of that must be uprooted. By doing what I would call soul archeology followed by what he does which is what he happens to call soul technology.
The next time I saw a spider it was when I was walking back to Diego’s place late at night at the entrance where everyone parks their bike on the door their was the biggest spider I have ever seen in person the size of my whole hand and I have huge hands. This spider also underneath her was carrying a huge sack of eggs so she was more likely to be aggressive and protective cause of this. I knew this was a chance to face my fear on my own and just walk through the door with out worrying the spider would jump on me, but I just could not instead I looked for something I could lightly brush it with to make it go away but it would not move, if this was my test I was sure failing it. Finally it started to move and I ran through the door super fast and tried to compose myself acting all cool and that I did not just get freaked by giant spider named Sally and sat i on the bed, I acted like I was all calm inside but Diego knew something was up he always knew, even days before I knew. So I explained to him what had happened how I am not cured of my fear at all and… and… I was getting chocked up. Oh yes, that spider, was not real it was a hologram projection created for you to show you something about your fears. But I did not really hear or comprehend what he said, or if he himself conjured up the hologram or asked the fat spider to wait for me to teach me something. My mind was still lost to the moment of when I was with that spider. I could not speak I burst into tears and got very upset with myself. I am a lost cause a failure and all those things. I wanted so badly to be the girl that I could see just out of reach of me that was in that moment facing the fear but not being afraid and walking through that door no problem but instead I am a coward and no good. Diego was like is that why you’re crying? So it has nothing to do with the spider but what kind of thoughts it triggers from you? Why do you compare your self with your ideals/ideas? You may think it’s for your growth but in this way it seems to be working against you making you fall apart. Why do that to yourself? What is more scary the spider or relationship with your fear of the spider? That if you do not overcome it or do free yourself of it then you beat yourself up? So the real fear is not the spider but that you can not control the spider or yourself and to want to have control is totally unnatural, anytime anyone seeks to control anything it never turns out well. Its not their fault I know people are conditioned to be this way. But its not about control at all its about understanding yourself otherwise you always fight. Then you’re exhausted and ashamed then numb with yourself, all of that acts as a distraction so you can not see what is really going on behind the scenes of fear. Then you try to forget but it comes up again in another way and so the pattern always goes until we understand.” I could not argue he was right again and this pattern would be a recurring theme with other fears I had but it was not just the case for me but for all others historically as well. This was a classic pattern of fear that I would soon understand all to well. I should also add it took me days to get over this particular spider experience relieving the fear and failure over and over again.
Another time while we were watching a movie a large spider showed up on the bed Diego said careful they are delicate fragile things” and carefully moved it away. But I was a bit shocked for some reason I wanted to maintain a delusion that the spiders do not come upstairs or on our bed. We do not like to think about spiders crawling on us while we sleep there are something’s we try to not think about and do what we can to avoid. Diego said “you know it’s a funny thing how people who are so afraid of spiders they stop being afraid of them after one bites them but with dogs its not the case people are afraid of dogs all dogs after that. Why do you think that is?”
The Next spider encounter, we were both in the kitchen when another brown hairy jumping spider entered our view, his name was Hatty. I reluctantly pushed myself closer but my body tensed up. I was determined to catch myself in the pattern I did not want my fear this have me miss out on a possible opportunity to understand. Diego said “this one is my friend he is a boy and he often comes to visit.” “How do you know he is a boy?” “I asked. I just know I he said I see. Hold on he is a bit nervous he knows you’re not comfortable with him. I am going to reassure him that he is safe with us.” Diego then put his finger out that acted like an energy beam that calmed down the spider to the point that Diego could pet it like a dog and it stayed still it did not run or seem to mind at all in fact it enjoyed the petting and moved its body indicating it wanted more. It was amazing it really was acting just like a dog. “Here Jess he said now you try petting him a bit” and I did, the spider was fury and I got up really close seeing its face with its many eyes and sharp pincers in the front, it actually was kind of cute and beautiful.
Last Spider encounter, the thing about spiders is they represent the unpredictable you just never know when they will show up. One day while Diego was at the market I went to the bathroom only to see a large spider named Gordon. Its amazing how we tend to relate back to our old patterns of fear run scream freak out but no not this time. I stared to speak to myself build my relationship with myself as diego suggested, you have no excuse jess, your staying with a fear expert, Ok there is spider jess prepare yourself remember all you know now about yourself, spiders, your fear and Diego. Ok what would Diego do? He would observe assess the situation, look for opportunities to understand and make communication. Ok yes I can do that. And I’m observing, observing and observing I notice that this spider is particularly afraid. I can feel its energy it is so very nervous maybe more then me. Also try to detach from your identity jess. Fear makes you blind, don’t let it make you blind, what do you see? Its nervous, Ok why is it nervous? And I’m observing and I see that this spider is missing some legs. Ok Diego always gets nervous for spiders in the bathroom he says its dangerous for them why is it a dangerous place for them? because there is always tokay giant blue geckos with red or yellow pok-a dots that live in the bathroom and these spiders are most tasty to them. I look up and sure enough there was two tokay geckos eyeing the spider waiting for me to leave to finish it off. The fear started to leave me, and in its place was empathy and concern, I wanted to save this spider who had already been through so much and would most likely need some prosthetic legs, where its friends could write silly pictures on and sign their name, or maybe a little spider wheel chair till its legs grow back. I told the tokays to back off and I got the spider to move to a safer place with my finger acting as a guide pointer and communication rod just like Diego, to my glee Gordon the spider listened and understood and went further out and away out of the danger zone. I did it. I finally did it now I would have to do it with my mind when it went into unreasonable psychological fear mode. I was looking forward to telling Diego all about it when he came home, but when he arrived he had this grin on his face and a knowing in his eyes he already knew what had happened no words were necessary. I looked at him thinking, this man would never save me or intervene in on my fears but would help me to understand them so I could be independent and have many tools if and when other fears would come up. But the fear of a spider is not nearly as scary as what is going on inside our minds so much so, I know suspect we develop fears of spiders to cover up what we are actually afraid of. (note -I kind of cheated and time lapsed this chapter this did not all happen in my first two months here more like 7 months its trial and error and time with getting to the root of your fear understanding and dismantling enough to break the automatic reactions that comes up with fear. Its really something being with a fear expert who shows you just how ridiculous your fears and problems are, and what they actually are.)
Chapter 25 Bali Locals
Me and Eo often walked around town exploring Ubud and everywhere we went the locals would ask us if we wanted a taxi, I mean it was all the time sometimes every 5 seconds, taxi, taxi. taxi. If you said no they would say tomorrow yes, as if you already agreed to it and were not aware of it perhaps thinking the heat had gotten to your brain or something. Even if Diego took us around on his bike, which he had no problem doing, the locals would still ask us if we wanted a taxi. It was like they were automatic they said taxi with out even thinking even if Diego rented a car and the locals saw we had one still they would ask if we wanted a taxi, we were like yes let us just park our car and go off with you. Eo and I laughed lots about this. It’s a total mystery the Balinese brain. Driving on the road there was pretty much no rules, no laws and anything goes. You can see 5 people on a bike, or pigs or hundreds of chickens all over bikes being carried by their feet upside down alive and dead. Some locals would drag wheelbarrows behind their bike, while others carried a bike on top of a bike held just above their head. Yes there are police men but they do not do much, its pretty much like giving a uniform and whistle to a monkey, they blow their whistle and try to look busy. To be a cop in bali all you have to do is be able to afford the uniform so they have no idea what they are doing, they may pull you over from time to time but not have a real reason just cause they think that’s what they are to do, you can get away with a fake licenses no problem even they would never notice or care if they do catch you for something you just pay them off like 50 cents or go to jail for 5 years gee that’s a hard decision and then your free to go. The construction work they do just here and there mostly they will dig a hole in the road and then leave it their inconveniencing everyone taking their sweet time to finish the job. Its been said if you want to study laziness study the male locals. The females on the other hand work like a mule carrying as many as 9 bricks on their head I can to even carry one in my hands, the woman learn how to do this at a very young age and I have seen woman as old as 90 carrying bricks on their head. The ditches are a whole other matter aside from being super filthy, they are also the Balinese’s favorite place to bath they will do it by an open road no problem, full nudity of everything with the whole family from kids to grannies, the Balinese believe when they are in the ditch they are invisible so no one can see them (cue in Austin powers riiiiiights) these ditches are also their toilets, their garbage bins, the place they brush their teeth and wash their motor bikes in. They are also known to have their fancy so called organic/healthy/ expensive restaurants wash their so called fruits and vegetables in the ditch water, when tourists get sick from this its known as bali belly. I have heard about this but so far it never happened to me as we do not eat as those kind of places. So if you come to Bali do not be surprised if you see a family bathing in the ditch with grandma using it as a toilet the sons using some chemical to wash their bike while others are busy brushing their teeth there, the locals do get sick from this but they do not stop using the ditch if you try to tell them otherwise they do not believe you or just smile and laugh.
Balinese names are strange here but even more odd is that the first born child is always named Madae, and it does not matter if it’s a boy or a girl, the second child is always named Wayan, the first child is always named Numan, and the 4th my favorite is always named Catoot (its similar to how they say fart in their language which is cantoot, yes I sure can, so the fourth child is like a fart) If they have a fifth child they start all over again at Madae. I’m not sure how they manage to keep track when some people have over 10 kids. If you ask them why they do this or any other question even about their culture or religion they have no idea they just smile and nod. They seem to have no idea what they do they just do it with out thinking or questioning it but even if they did they would be banished from their village. All that is known about their religion is that it consists of 5 other religions and has many gods, demons, sprites, deities’, and then some. The have many ceremonies which is pretty much a big inconvenience for everyone even them, it can sometimes last for months and at all hours of the days and nights making so much noise with their gamelan instruments and weird mantra even for temples birthdays, ceremonies and offering take up 70% of the Balinese income alone and to not go to ceremony and participate in animal sacrifice means being banished from their village and they all seem to be scared of that. So they are taught at a young age to mistreat animals and throw garbage in their jungle. If you try to tell them to not throw garbage on your property but put it in the garbage basket they will instead bury the garbage in your garden. If you marry a Balinese you have to go to ceremonies all of them you cannot miss one or you will be the one responsible for bad luck in their village. If a western woman marries a Balinese she has to work like a mule as well, there is no getting out of it unless you leave the country. Everyday they make hundreds of little offering baskets out of grass, these offering baskets are everywhere in front of restaurants on bikes and cars, every house has to have an alter for them to they have all kinds of things in them I’m glad they put food in them so the animals that are starving can always depend on that to eat. The offerings are put out for to them is evil spirits rather then pushing them away like the Christian religion does they acknowledge that they are there and say ok you can stay there and we will give you this offering in hopes they will leave them alone and not give them bad luck. In truth they are not evil spirits at all just spirits that are not understood. Diego talked to these spirits once and they are actually not interested in the offerings or prayers or loud noise they do not know why the locals think they like this. He said its like you live at your house and everyday a person comes up to your door step with an offering makes a bunch of noise and then leaves, they never bother to communicate at all if that happened to you, you would think its strange to, to do such a thing. Now a days its not about communication or thinking at all just mechanically do what you always do. It’s so interesting to get Diego’s perspective on these things. Ok I think that’s enough about the Balinese strange ways for this blog in the next blog I will share even more about them and what its like to live near them.
Chapter 26 That’s Pretty Ducked Up
The ducks of bali seem to be similar to the locals peoples mentality, my friend got some ducks she thought breeding them would be a good idea. She went to the market and purchased 3 ducks 1 male and 2 female they were handed to her upside down by their feet as the ducks gossiped away. She named the male duck Randy, which seemed to be not the right name for this duck cause he did not even know what it meant to be a randy duck or what to do when the lady ducks started to become sexually seductive hinting that they wanted something. Poor Randy was confused he could just not figure it out, he thought it meant to drown the lady ducks of course these ducketts were not amused maybe even a bit offended, surly they thought he can not be that dumb? So they tried again lifting their butts up in the air, still Randy did not get it but a rooster near by sure did. This rooster was watching im not sure for how long and could not take it anymore saying duck you sucker as he flew down right over Randy and mounted the ducketts as if demonstrating to Randy what they wanted but if he was to stupid to figure it out then the rooster would take them no problem. A duck and rooster getting it on that would make a little Dooster or dricken or ruck, that’s pretty ducked up. Finally Randy got it but he was so awkward and clumsy he again almost drowned his woman they made such a raucous but when it was all done the females did get pregnant they dropped their eggs everywhere my friend was so happy about this, finally baby ducks. Or so she thought when they ducks were called for dinner all 3 of the ducks trampled over all their eggs and all the babies died. Which was probably just as well I do not think these ducks were fit to be parents anyway and shortly after the ducks made such a mess and noise that it was clear it was not going to work. One day when my friend came home their was nothing but feathers left of the ducks, most likely the snakes got them and that was the end of their first and last attempt to keep ducks.
Chapter 27 In Regards to Alien Abduction
One day while I was doing a session with a guy on skype that was from the states he told me he was contacting me because for the past couple years he was not able to sleep every night he would wake up at 4am screaming which would also wake up his wife and two kids due to him being abducted and terrorized by ET’s. He felt so frustrated and tired of fighting and always being at the mercy of these aggressive ET’s, nothing he did seemed to work not even calling religious figures in fact that seemed to make it worse. I did my best to help explain to him this experience and why it was happening and what he could do to prevent it. After I finished chatting with him I told Diego about the chat. I am always so curious to get his response to such things, its never a typical answer that he gives. He responded with “tell this guy that the next time he is being abducted to ask these ET’s a question and that is what is the secret to chlorophyll?” “What? I said that’s strange really?” “Yes he said and it does not matter if this guy that is being abducted knows the answer or not its not about that.” “Ok I said I will tell him” and I did sure enough he thought it was odd to but he was willing to try anything at this point. The next day he contacted me right away saying he had his first undisturbed sleep in years thanks to me. “It worked I said, what happened”?” He said he was about to be abducted again when he remembered the question to ask them and when he uttered those words they aliens freaked out and disappeared so fast and left him alone the whole night. I still keep in touch with him even after many months he still sleeps soundly with no problems. I really tried to understand exactly this question and how something like the secret of chlorophyll could scare them away and though I asked Diego many times I still do not understand, he says I will though when I dismantle more, at that time I did not know what that meant either. But one thing about Diego of all the things he is not interested in he sure is passionate and interested in chlorophyll and spoke about it often. I asked him to talk publicly about these things but he always refused always saying “its dangerous then people will focus on this rather then their minds and the real work as people are eager to escape into the new age. Not until they are ready he said will I talk about these things. At least he would share with Eo and I. Diego would always say people are so focused and obsessed on the key and the door but not about what’s on the other side of the door. How many things are we not seeing?” he asked me. “A lot” I said. Then he said “you have been through my front door a lot right you feel you know it pretty well? Can you draw it for me exactly from your memory? So I did, then he said how comfortable are you on how accurate you think you are?” I said “oh very comfortable I know your front door well.” “Ok he said now go look at the door yourself and see how you did. I saw I actually was not very accurate at all and had missed lots of things. The door was more complex then I imagined so much detail I forgot about and beams. Do you see he said when you think you know intellectually you do not know? Your not fully observing everything around you, your surroundings your mind is still to busy so you can not see and your mind lies to you saying yes I know what the door looks like I remember then we find out for ourselves and see it’s a lie. You convinced yourself that the door only had one beam but it had more how many people do this? They do that for everything especially their beliefs until they find out for themselves how off they are but most do not want to find out they rather just stay on assuming in their comfort box. The mind creates a false version with many holes in the memory that we cover up by not thinking about them we imagine something else which is the lie which we want to defend that brings about so much unnecessary suffering and thus our beliefs abduct our mind entire existence our history even our future which throws us in a limbo and this is one of the main reasons behind alien abduction how and why we give permission for it to happen.
Chapter 28 The Beach
We had been cooped up in the house for days Eo had gone off on his own for a couple days and I was feeling restless so Diego offered to take me to the beach down in Sanure. It was a long nice bike ride when we arrived we walked all along the coast just talking the day away. We had a nice dinner on the beach, like a conspiracy of romance. Not that Diego is a romantic person because he is not at all instead he lets nature be the romance. Well it seemed to be very romantic but for me burping like Viking of some sort. Though Diego was not repulsed at all, nor was he really amused or impressed by it, he just said “well you know how to set the mood” in a humorous kind of a way. I said “your welcome to exclamation your sentences with body movements to, he replied “no I’m too elegant for that thank you.” As the sun was setting and we watched the orange yellow sky he said “what do you think about us being a couple? About you not leaving bali but staying here living with me?” “Oh I said uhm im not sure, I do not think so, Im not ready. I’m still a total mess trying to recover from my last relationship I confessed and stumbled for words to let him down gently. I do not think you and me will work; we are just totally different people with different views with different paths in life.” “I see” he said ok then. It was true all those things and also the things I spoke about with Eo my concerns we were just two different people, how could we work? He was just a bit too different for me yet very considerate what was I doing he is a great guy what am I so afraid of? How can I trust him be enamored by him confide in him, maybe even love him yet still be so scared to being with him? But it was not Diego I was scared of, I was scared of the changes inside that would have to take place oh yes I knew it I felt it before like a huge tidal wave crashing inside me. For being with him I could feel but I did not know exactly or see clearly where it would go he represented the unknown and a removal of so many of layers that I was afraid I may not recognize myself anymore. I would not be so accustomed to the familiar to my comfort zone. Was my identity and reputation really so important? He was deep, too deep, beyond deep, I do not know what he is, would I fall into the well of his deepness? I started to think about sunset hill where he took Eo and me a few days before. He said “this is where all the secret lovers sneak away to be with each other in privacy and their they were all the Indonesian couples sitting beside each other with this amazing view, and yet, they had nothing to say to each other they just both sat staring at their own phones awkwardly lost to distractions that were there. How many he said get together in a relationship they could be together for many many years and people could say wow what an accomplishment that’s love. But in truth these people after only a couple of months or many years have nothing to say to each other. They just exist with each other passing time calling it life or love or what ever.” To Diego that was a tragedy that couples today have nothing to say to each other, that they never knew each other at all or explore each other ravines of depth. But I wondered perhaps he was being unrealistic, there is only so much to say to a person you live with everyday till you run out of words. So was it really possible to go as deep as he said, through all the layers in which their was always something to say and more levels of depth to go? How deep can people really go with each other? Was he referring to the depth of the ocean or space? We have not even gone to bottom of the ocean yet we want to go to the stars, to go that deep is to have some serious pressure to deal with not to mention lots of unknown, in fact its scary for most to go that deep so they stay on the surface. I knew though what he was saying was true even if I did not fully understand to what depth and what capacity he was referring to. A part of me did know though a part of me from a long time ago that I used to be so connected to but now had forgotten was stirring up again. I felt like what he was sharing with me was important though scary I must go there I must be willing, I wanted to know how he was so magical, how we was able to do what he does (more on his abilities later), and know what he knows in such a precise accurate way. Could I do the same thing to if I stuck around him more? Perhaps it was contagious? Would it be passed to me from him through his energy through his kiss through his touch, his affection? Like psychometry? He was like a being so ancient and yet so child like so young so fresh at the same time, Did he understand me, know me already? Did he know things about me before we met? “Yes he answered out load to all my thoughts.
You do not understand, its not just from your videos that I know you, I knew of you before I even found your videos. I knew I would meet you, actually we were supposed to meet 3 years ago. My heart sank “3 years ago” I repeated, I was just getting together with my ex at that time, that’s when my life seemed to all fall apart, me and my family almost became homeless, my brother went missing and I ended up with an abusive man at this thought I got upset. “I wish I would have met you 3 even 6 years ago I said so why not what happened? Why did I have to go through that hell instead?” “ He said We were supposed to meet at that time 3 years ago but then the time line was changed he said You were not ready and I had something very important I had to do first in Slovakia.” “But if you knew me then all that time I said why did you not try to contact me?” “I sent you a facebook friend request” he said. “Oh but since being a public figure I have maxed out my facebook friend request I had over 7000 at one point I had to stop responding I could barely keep up. I decided if someone really wanted their facebook friend request granted then they would write me a letter. So why did you not do that explaining to me more?” “I could not he said, again it would be manipulating you and I could not do that.” Ok I was on my guard was this some line? How many guys have told me im their soul mate or something and they always knew it and such? Too many, I ran from them all ( for the record Diego never said he was my soul mate/twin flame, I just assumed that is what he meant.) “But this was different he said. I knew I did not have to write you or go to you, I knew when the time came you would come to me and that’s exactly what you did you came right to me, at just the right time.” “Hold on wait a minute I said I almost ended up going to china and japan instead of bali and then we would have never met.” “Don’t be so sure about that even if you did go to china and japan we still would have met at around the same time. So it does not matter, time lines are no matter nor do they matter when one understands how they work.” “Are you saying you shifted time lines to make this happen?” i asked incredulously He did not answer and I said “never mind, I know, you don’t want to manipulate me.” He seemed to know me so well better then I knew myself, he always knew what to do and say. If that was true then he knew how easy it would be to manipulate a person but he never did. Truly I was blown away.
I felt like I was in the movie ‘The Sword in the Stone” It’s an old Disney animated cartoon The part where the wizard was expecting the boy and had pinpointed everything with the exact coordinates down to the detail of the boys arrival and we met through of all things couchsurfing. “I know you he said I know you very well.” “Ok” I said thinking its something of starseed talk I heard it before. But then he started to describe all the homes I grew up in to the detail I did not even have pictures of them, they just existed in my memory how could he possibly know? He then would describe certain events in my life even things I did not remember until he mentioned it and the memory would come back as a glimmer. “Do you remember that weeping willow tree you used to play with behind your house in the park when you were 7 years old? Do you remember that time you and your dad were at the lake and the boy with no face showed up and you ran after him to the lake and your dad ran after you and saw something on the lake that was beyond belief? And no I was not that boy without a face he said answering my telepathic question out loud again.” I responded with “No I said I do not remember this, not at all.” Your dad remembers but he never told anyone, how could he no one would believe him? His mind struggled with it as well so he decoded it into something else such as spirituality and started to look and think of you as very different afterwards.” I felt squeamish I did not like him brining up my dad it made me sad I missed him. He responded again telepathically to my thought out loud “he is not dead nor is your sister or your brother more on that later in the next blog) He went on you did exactly what your dad did when metaphysical things started happening to you, your mind looked for archetypes, labels, beliefs, categories, boxes, books and movies to make sense of it you did this all unconsciously at first until you trapped yourself.” (more on this later) I was taken aback how could he know this? How could he know my own memories and life better then me? He went onto describing my life in the last 3 years the places we stayed what they looked like down to the detail, he seemed to know all about my ex with out me telling him, his background and family and history even things my ex gus/costakis mouskos tried to keep from me, he even knew about his future. “This is incredible I said, you can do this for anyone on the planet just read them and know everything about them?” He did not respond but I knew that I was right he could. If people knew he could be working full time with this doing readings for people finding missing people helping them to understand their metaphysical experiences, but non of that interested him not at all. When people find out what he is capable of they can get scared or maybe curious wanting to know what he sees in them, or want to ask him some questions regarding their own spiritual growth or something. Again he responded to my telepathic thought out loud.” I will not answer those questions for others.” “Why I thought why not? “I will only talk to them and share with them about their confusions and inner fears cause if they do not understand that then anything else I share regarding those topics will do no good and could actually cause them harm and add to their confusion layers I want to remove those layers. Then they will try to collect knowledge all the knowledge its never enough and then when you answer their questions and then what? Where are they after that? They are still stuck and struggling I want to only talk about and respond to things that will help them stop being stuck and struggling so they to can dismantle they must dismantle first nothing is more important then that for the masses then and only then will I share more.” He stopped and looked into my eyes in a familiar way. He reminded me of an owl I one time met at a trade show, I will never forget meeting this owl he was huge big brown and spotted his eyes were yellow and large, I watched carefully at those eyes its pupils zoomed in and out like a sophisticated camera lenses state of the art yet to be released to the public such technology maybe not for another 50 years. Those eyes were not just looking at me but through me beyond me, above me, the micro and macro of me, of all facets of me beyond this reality, into many other realities of me, eyes that saw everything observed everything did not miss a thing. I will never forget that feeling that owl gave me and here was Diego giving me the same feeling. Déjà vu? While we are on the topic of owls I would like to add that they are one of Diego’s favorite animal. I remember when we walked though this one park there was an mini expo their of exotic animals, they had a large owl there as well all the animals were sadly chained to a poll which Diego did not like at all or that the poor owls were not aloud to sleep in the day due to people poking and touching them all the time and having their pictures taken with them. I watched Diego silently communicating with this huge intimidating bird, he was so gentle tender and empathetic with this being, he had a few tears and he said this is my parent, my real parents and he was fully sincere and certain when he said it. I did not know fully what he meant at that time I was more lost in the moment I was touched. He said to me another time how humans are the only ones who work the hardest of all animals in order to survive. The animal that works the least amount of time on its survival is an owl they work less then 5 minutes and that’s it. That’s real evolution to him, they are precise and have the most time to give their energy to other things, to what other things exactly I am not sure. That’s how we are meant to live to like the owl to be efficient with out basic needs that we can spend our time on other things more important things. Can we not learn this from the owl?
Chapter 29 The Only Thing I Want From You
That night as he crawled into bed we again talked really late into the night though he was still quite exhausted and had not had a chance to be fully rested. I still thought Diego was like most guys, what with his strange touching and I all I blurted out you just want sex from me. His response was “actually that is the last thing I want from you.” What you don’t? Wait what’s the first thing?” i asked. He did not respond. (Nothing sexual happened between us until many months later. We just talked and that was very satisfying and pleasurable in it self.) Even though he was tired he talked anyway, about all kinds of things, but all of what he said seemed to be alluding to something else. He was stuck in some way, “I just want to get out,” he said with a few tears escaping his eyes, when I saw that I took it as a chance to finally be able to do and offer something for him. I immediately said with out thinking to what I was saying “I will help you with that.” “NO” he said. “Why not?” I said innocently, “Because he said almost everyone that has tried has not made it, some ended up in a limbo and some died even you. it can only be done when you have to focus on freeing yourself” He started to tell me about the last time we were together and how I had died; “you sacrificed yourself for me Jess. I will not see you sacrificed again I will not let you fall into that pattern again. You do not even know why you feel so compelled to give yourself to a mission to be ok being a martyr, you do not know what’s behind that, but I do.” I did not fully understand what he was talking about exactly, I tried so hard to understand but just could not, I did the best I could. “Ok I said I will not sacrifice myself I promise but I still would like to help you in some way, and help others. How can I help you? I asked” and what is the first thing you want from me? he said “I only want one thing from you and he said your freedom. That is the only way or others can help me or themselves, they have to free themselves first. What do you mean free ourselves? I asked free ourselves from what exactly? (more on this later) I had no idea what that meant for me and others to free ourselves but it made him cry, softly tears rolled down his eyes. Ok I said I will free myself what ever that means.”
Trailer for the next blog titled:
What if Love is Not the Final Destination? Oct Nov 2012
Question what would you do if all your life you felt compelled to find a certain kind of people (starseeds) only to realize what you had found was not them then you realize that when the real deal shows up in your life and it challenges all that you thought you knew? What do you do when you have come across an opportunity to have the answer to any and all questions? What if they are so accurate that its scary, and you realize that you have not been asking the right questions and abducted by answers in which everything you think you know must go? Then the real work begins I started to fall through the reverse rabbit hole, I was falling up. Diego was showing me the world in a way I never saw it. in a way it was like a whole new world, it was so exciting yet so scary and shocking at the same time. I wanted to understand what he knew and how he could the things that he did, his otherworldliness his codes. I decided to give myself more time in Bali with him at least until after 2012 after the end of the world as I felt more safe and secure with him, but I also had this inner friction because to give an example all my life I had been the Anastasia in the relationship with most people I met, but with Diego I was the Vladimir, I now understood him much better what its like to be with someone like that. When you experience something that makes you think deeper, from a person that is so something else something superhuman like the character in a movie called Powder, that fascinates you, then you start trying to interpret it and that is what I did. I interpreted it as love, that I was falling in love with him. and fall I did but that was not the destination, just a phase a necessary in order to understand what love really is and what it is not. What is happening to and with people with these concepts; and what’s behind it? Its not what we think and the answer may shock us, it sure did me and still does. At first I resisted its not easy to question everything even our most comfort beliefs ideals and dreams even things that exist inside of our secret space that we consider to be so subtle and innocent but is actually not at all what it really is. Diego challenged me saying you either are willing to question everything and anything or this is the furthest we go. Do you want to stay in that comfort bubble of beliefs that never seem to work out or see what’s behind it all? He has been right with everything so far its scary, my goodness what if he is right about this to and all other things I was fighting with him on? Is it too much too deep? Can I really do this and inquire past it all? This is a question you all must ask yourselves as well to really understand what I am about to share in my future blogs. Curiosity pushed me forward; that I reached the point of no return there is no going back, now way could I ever live my old life again. This is what I will get into more in the next blog my journey through and beyond love, and a great deception hiding in the most desired package. How and why I was pushed out of that state, so as to see there is so much more beyond it, beyond what any of you can fathom. So many get stuck at the station of love or god thinking it’s the final the end all be all but what if it is not? When we get held there we eventually get disappointed and thus miss the boat it’s a historical pattern/habit as well that must be broken if we ever really do want to experience this infinite potential that we hear so much about but can never quit grasp. By the way if you think this blog is impressive its nothing compared to what I am going to share with you next. Coming soon my blog/my life/reality/ my journey for the months of Oct Nov 2012.
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