Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

Tides of Change blog feb 22 2011/2012

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Chapter 1 – Back Track

Well it is that time again! Blogging is like a psychic family reunion with all of you where our energies, stories, experiences, and beliefs collide and interweave for a whole new perspective on our journey.

Continuing on with my blogs brings new pieces to the puzzle, but it also gives the view from heaven’s eyes on our lives. I know it has been a long time since last I wrote, this time longer than usual. But you have to understand, I do not write these blogs. They write me.

You also help write them with me. Even though we do not speak often in words (or perhaps not at all), our hearts and souls are always speaking together. You guys know me very well. I cannot lie to you. You would feel the insincerity or know if I am doing OK or not despite what is written.

I want you to understand for these blogs to be born, a chapter of my life must come to an end. Then I can sit and reflect on it, make sense of it, and then share it. This blog has had a long gestation and birth.

When we read these writings, the soul stirs as our guides poke and prod us to continue reading. In movies and in our lives, we always want to know what happens next. We want to know how the story is going to unfold. Again, this is a difficult blog to write. I have procrastinated and delayed writing. Why?

Oh, there is so much information, and as my life continues to progress on this particular route, the trickier it becomes. I am not one to shy away from the complex forever; sooner or later I have to spill. Perhaps I am going to change my route.

Some things have not changed. My brother Forrest is still missing despite my speaking to many gifted mystics for assistance to locate him.

I now know the effort to find my brother was not the right way to go even though I wanted to find him and so do you. In truth, it seems he does not want to be found. It is beneficial for him to lay low and focus on what is now important to him. What that is, I do not know. He always was very cryptic in revealing information about himself and his life, which is just the opposite of me.

It is not that Andrew Basiago’s reading of the situation was wrong. It was a probability when he saw Forrest was open to the possibility of being found and going home. But I guess Forrest changed his mind. Now that ship has sailed. That is OK because it is his choice and his life.

I need to be OK with his decisions. Just because I cannot see the divine in it now does not mean it is not there. He made his choice. What we need to do is understand why we make these choices in our life before incarnation or maybe in each now moment stretched out into eternity. I had to detach a bit to let him go. I still feel somehow I will see him again, though I have no idea how.

His disappearance caught us all off-guard and put us in shock. It’s just so backwards. This is not how the story is supposed to go.

Oh look, it’s 11:11 right now! That reminds me I wanted to share my 11:11 story in one of my blogs–perhaps this one? Funny that I was just quoting The Matrix 2 and 11:11 shows up to signal your consciousness to exit the matrix.

11:11 is also like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Alice follows the white rabbit to exit Wonderland. Now we can’t be surprised that a backwards story is actually forwards. Perhaps we did follow the white rabbit to get into Wonderland as we wander and wonder what the heck is going on with this crazy place. But it is also the rabbit that helped her find the exit, so keep that in your heart and mind. However, I am pretty sure we have met our limit in how far backwards we can go. Backwards is forwards and forwards is backwards.

Let’s backtrack the steps now, do the circle, go through the process, and dance. Remember, time is a loop. We are nearing the loop to look, but this time, we loop back to divinity and not insanity.


Chapter 2 – GK Adventures

My life has taken many twists and turns since I last blogged. As many of you know, I got in contact with George Kavassilas. I wanted to ask him about things that he was sharing, some of which I did not jive with or which confused me. I felt he might just be misunderstood and overwhelmed with all he wanted to share and did not have time to clarify it. There is so much to share when one is speaking in conferences and interviews that it is easy to jump around on certain subjects and not finish the thought. This happens often.

The letter I wrote challenged him. It was in a sea of the many emails that I am sure he gets, which probably pile up in his inbox like a tidal wave. I guess I was not expecting him to write back, but he did. He was happy that I wrote him. He and his lovely wife, Cynthia, really connected with my work, and he was eager to discuss the tough questions. We had a few wonderful chats on Skype.

He was also excited to talk to me because he had visions of speaking in Canada and he knew that I lived there. He had this idea of me helping to bring him to Canada to share his message. Me being the happy, eager, golden retriever helper that I am, I said yes.

I liked the idea of doing something different. I knew his message contained important information and also things that I just did not jive with at all. I love his understanding of the Goddess and his connection with Mother Earth. But there were points where we differed.

George also wanted me to do a conference with him. That was different. I was not expecting such an invitation. I was thinking that I might emcee the events for George in Canada. Instead, he felt we could reach more people if we spoke together. He could reach his generation and I could reach the younger generation.

Although I was excited about this new adventure, I was still concerned about where our messages conflicted. He feels the planet is going to become a star in this dimension where some will make it and others will not. I feel just the opposite will happen where, through everyone living consciously, we stay on this planet, heal it, and turn it into the beautiful abundant garden it once was. I was not sure how such a conference was going to work. Did he want me to play devil’s advocate with him or vice versa? Regardless, it all seemed to be pretty interesting.

As it usually goes when I want to help a person, I try not to limit myself. I focus on the good things about them and think about all the possible ways there are to help. I thought, “Hmm, why not just help George to speak in Canada but in other countries too?” After all, I had the connections to do so.

There was something else. I was curious about how George manages all of his work. It seemed to me he was either very organized or had a team. To answer that, George got me involved with his manager, who expressed interest in helping me manage all my work too. But first he was focusing on George.

He also seemed to like the idea of George and me speaking together, not only in Canada but also in Australia. He even mentioned that he used to manage Dolores Cannon and that I could do a conference with her as well. I would not be paid, but my expenses would be covered, and George’s team would eventually become my team.

The idea to have one speaker represented as a figurehead for people like us in the public could open so many doors to be understood. What would it take to help bring this vision about? They were working on so many things with their teams of people booking conferences galore for him. The more people that knew about George, the more behind-the-scenes helpers were needed. That was another thing where I could help. I went to work asking my network for volunteers who felt compelled to help George and who resonated with his projects.

Well, the budget ran out fast and politics and disharmony started to ensue in the GK team. I do not know the details because I chose not to be part of it. Some speculate that there was infiltration, but who knows? It happened for reasons unbeknown to us.

What I do know is that it got to a point where they had to fire most of the GK team and start all over again. I was not too happy about this as some of my dear friends were let down because of this. All the work they did was for naught. I felt responsible as some of my friends were involved because of me.

It had been many months since I first made contact with GK, and I had still not gotten my interview with him. When it finally happened, I was in such depths of the ugly with my brother being missing that people said I was not sparkling as much as I usually do. Then there were more technical troubles, which I always seem to have no matter what I do or how I prepare.

Once again, the sound was not the best. However, people still enjoyed it. I am not sure why this keeps happening, but it does.

After I posted the video, I was amazed at how many people said they didn’t agree with everything he shared. In the interview I decided to have more of a devil’s advocate approach. I expressed everything with which I did not agree. I guess not everyone listened to the whole thing or did not understand my approach, or perhaps the sound quality was so poor that my portion of the message did not shine through. The important thing to understand is that we can still have a conversation and respect each other while not totally agreeing. I felt compelled to interview him and I did. After that, I felt like my work with him was done.

The work was not the interview after all, but to have that experience and learn. I do not think they were in the position to do all the things they originally proposed. I was hurt with how my friends were treated and their work not respected. Also, I just did not feel called to collaborate anymore, and the events that were going on in my life made me want to focus a bit more on my personal life.

Some of you might have noticed that the YouTube video of my interview with George Kavassilas has been removed. I apologize to everyone who enjoyed that video, but I decided to remove it as this video was getting a majority of negative responses. The interview was misunderstood, and the message in the end product seemed skewed. C’est la vie! Just another let down in life. No one is a stranger to this.

I cannot help but wonder where this will lead or what will come of all of this? Is this just going back another inch on the slingshot before we get propelled forward in great acceleration?


Chapter 3 – L.Eh with Melissa

In March of this year, I went to L.A. with my best girlfriend, Melissa, to knock off some of the items on our bucket lists.

She always wanted to attend a live recording on either the Ellen or The Big Bang Theory TV show. We arranged to stay in people’s homes with CouchSurfing just like we did when we went to Hawaii.

We ended up staying in Redondo Beach, right where all the dead fish washed up on shore a week before Japan’s big quake. When we arrived in Los Angeles, Melissa realized she had pulled a “Jessica.” The tickets she had for the Big Bang Theory TV show were for the previous week! I thought I only did things like that.

We decided to go to the show anyway and hope for the best. It worked, and we ended up getting to watch the live recording of the Herb Garden episode. At this taping, they filmed the audience because the Barenaked Ladies were on the set to shoot a music video that included the audience. We even got to talk to the lead singer afterwards. He made suggestions of places to see in LA. That was pretty cool and random. It was definitely the highlight of the trip.

I kept my visit to L.A. on the down-low mainly because it had been a long time since I visited with Melissa. We wanted to catch up on things and just spend time together. Melissa is an unconscious lightworker. Though she does not jive with these beliefs, she still gives light to the world in whatever way she can by just being.

An example would be when we rented a car in L.A. We asked if there were any places we should steer clear of, and the response was a place called East Compton. Well, lo and behold, later in on our trip we took a wrong turn and ended up in that very place at about 8 p.m.

We could definitely feel the change of the energy. Melissa was not aware this was East Compton, and she rolled down her window to ask for directions from people I am pretty sure were gang members.

Between the two of us, I am a bit more street-smart then she. There are certain things she just does not know, like not to roll down your window and talk with people in this area, showing them how much of a naïve tourist you are.

She was in a happy-go-lucky mood. She smiled big and cracked a few jokes. I was a bit nervous. To my surprise, the so-called ruffians responded with a deep barrel laugh. They felt her light and appreciated her humor. Maybe they even found it refreshing that she did not see them how others did.

It is funny how people in nice areas would be so tired of tourists that if you asked them for directions, they would purposely give wrong directions or not give you the time of day while in the ‘hood, they were very helpful and gave honest directions.

We also checked out Hollywood, but it seemed to be pretty much a gong show. Not to mention the plastic-fantastic escapades did not impress us. We went there for a lark and mainly tried to bring joy to the star-struck dreamers, trying to get them to see that they are the real stars, not the ones they came to admire.

Our favorite place on the trip was Santa Monica. We enjoyed the energy and life there with the street performers and the entire hullabaloo. One thing that made Santa Monica so special to us was that we looked into many places to go dancing.

Most places were overdone with pretentious people smoking in the club, scantily clad lady dancers in cages, and no room for us to dance–not to mention the ridiculous prices to get in. If you did not like a place, it was a labyrinth and obstacle course to exit and no refund for the entrance fee, even if you were only in the crappy club for three minutes.

On the last day of the trip, I knew Melissa was a bit disappointed at not being able to dance with some QT, unique, ethnic boys. We decided to go back to Santa Monica for our last night. I believe it was a Sunday, and what did we find but people dancing salsa in the street. I was very happy as I watched Melissa dance. I derive happiness from other people’s happiness, especially the happiness from the people I care about.

As you are reading this, some of you might be wondering if I had any trouble getting into the U.S. like I did before. The problems seem to occur when I try to drive over the border, but flying through is not a problem.

If I want to drive over the border, I need to have bill that was mailed to my home address to prove I live there and a paycheck from an employer. Well currently, I have no permanent address to which bills are mailed, nor do I have an employer.

After this trip, I flew home to B.C. with the intention of staying put or returning to Ontario.


Chapter 4 – The Shift Hits the Fan

Back in B.C. It was so good to be home. It had been a long time since I was home with Bear and Steve. I was excited to also meet Mom’s new beau, whom I will call Mr. Gloomy Two Shoes.

In speaking to her about him, she was not totally comfortable with him, but she was giving him a try. He is the father of my sister’s boyfriend, who passed away in a freak motorcycle accident a year after my sister passed away. Years later, my mom and Mr. Gloomy Two Shoes bumped into each other again.

In meeting him, I felt him to be a fear-monger talking about doom and gloom, earthquakes on the west coast and such. This was not too long after the big quake hit Japan, and knowing of the radiation bombarding the west coast sure did not help. I thought it would not hurt to have my mom and Steve take a little trip to see my mom’s sister so she could get a different perspective.

Then I woke up one day and it hit me. Holy smokes, I am almost thirty and I am still at home with my mother! Although I am proud of my family and the spiritual work I have accomplished, there was still something missing in the way of human life and relationships. Was I not in the prime of my life? There are so many things I need to still do and skills to learn, especially if I want to be a mother someday.

Mr. Gloomy Two Shoes had tried to convince me to believe that he would take care of my family, something that I was still not able to do. I did not like the level of at which he operated, but at the same time, he was right. He could offer my family more than I could. I could not help feeling a bit sad about this.

Can I not use my manifesting skills to bring our dream life into fruition, or do I have to turn that over to other people so I can focus on my work?

Should I try to do all these things or should I share the load?

Does it have to be this man, Mr. Gloomy himself, to take care of my family?

As I pondered all of this, I felt an intense pull to leave B.C. right away and go back to Toronto. I do not know why I got this feeling and why so suddenly. I was not happy about getting this feeling as I do not like Toronto. The energy there makes my light dim. I really wanted my family to come with me, but they were not as accustomed as me to just picking up and going last minute, barreling headlong into adventures without a plan other than knowing that somehow it would all work out.

Alas, I could not get my family to come with me, and Mom tried hard to get me to stay. I had just arrived home only a few days prior and was now taking off again. It had been over half a year since I was home. I was so looking forward to spending time at home, and here I was doing just the opposite. Mom was sad, too, but she knew that once I had made up my mind, there was no stopping me.

In one day, I had my bags packed, all loose ends resolved, and my flight ticket purchased to leave that very day.

When I arrived back in Ontario, I learned that my mom broke up with Mr. Gloomy Two Shoes and was making plans for her and Steve to visit her sister, or so she said. I was a taken aback by all of this because Mom had moved some of her stuff to this guy’s place, thinking it was her only option. And since his place was not so big, she started to get rid of as many things from the house as she could. My mom was out-of-it due to all the crazy happenings. She even told our beloved, most awesome landlady that, with a heavy heart, we were moving. Our landlady was sad to hear this but respected our wishes. She made plans to find a renter for our place right away as I think Mom had only given her two weeks of notice.

So when I found out that Mom was not moving in with this guy and had already told the landlady she was moving, and the landlady managed to find a tenant a few minutes after posting an ad, I realized the situation meant my family was about to become homeless again.

At first I thought I should just let it go. Mom might be able to live with her sister in the middle of Canada. But Mom did not want to do that. It was far too expensive and there was no room for them.

No wonder for the last two weeks I was in agony within myself, sad all of the time. I could not eat without puking. I could not sleep, which really says something because I never have a problem sleeping.

I was beyond depressed. I did not want to do anything, not even respond to any emails. I guess I felt pretty forsaken by the universe and my guides. I could not even talk or think or function. The inertia of my life was taking a toll on me. I felt near the breaking point. I felt trapped. I could not see a solution or any way for my lightworker family to help me out of this one, especially when this was my fault.

Steve and Mom were so upset with me. They were not even talking to me when I told them that I was moving to Toronto. It made everyone’s life topsy-turvy. I could not live with all this even though Goose felt that my family was fine. He did not understand. He could not. He had not been through what we had been through. I knew something like this could put both my mother and me over the edge.

I had to think of something. I called up our landlady and said, “Please do not let my family become homeless again.” She replied, “Oh no, Jessica, what do you mean?” I explained to her the situation. She ended up being so positive about everything. She said, ”Jessica, I love your family. They are not tenants to me. They are my family and you are too. Although these new tenants are also wonderful, I will just tell them what happened and let your family stay at the place.” I was so grateful for her and her amazing attitude and approach to life. I vowed to one day pay her back for this heroic deed. I knew I used to be like that, and I wanted to get back there.

No matter what, I cannot let life weigh me down and swindle me out of my happiness. By happiness, I mean authentic happiness, for it is the key to our true selves. We have to remember that we choose how we are going to react to things that happen to us in life. No one else reacts or makes the choice for us. How many times do we have to again remember, practice, and apply this?

And so my family stayed put in the only place they knew. Steve started to work more, which was good. I want them to be able to stand on their own two feet without me. I have faith in them. I knew I definitely did not want to make decisions for them again, but something had to liberate us too.

I guess I was also a bit frustrated with my family. They had not been entrepreneurial like me nor trust the universe like me. How come I could do it but they could not? Is not my way of life supposed to rub off on them? My mom is an amazing lady. I just hate seeing her think of herself as so limited. What was it going to take to break her out of that? Was it my job or someone else’s?

I really did not understand why I was in Ontario and what I would do now that I was here. At first I thought it was fear that brought me out here. It sure seemed and felt that way. But it was a ruse to get me to act and act fast. Why did it have to be so sudden? Why couldn’t I have had more time to enjoy with my family and friends? What did I come out here to do? It took me a while to sit with it.

What I was doing back in B.C. was good, but it was not getting me the results in my life that I wanted. In some ways I was stagnating. As I write this, I am reminded that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for different results. So something had to be done differently. My life needed to change in order to go back to B.C. equipped with the tools to make my dreams happen for my family and me. Something had to give.

To just give up here and go back to B.C. is something I think about often. But then what would I do? Why was I being guided to stay put in Ontario? Who was I to meet? What was I to do or accomplish here?


Chapter 5 – They are Married

A few months after leaving my brother’s place, we moved into one of Goose’s dad’s buildings. It is a small little apartment on the outskirts of Toronto. It was a total dive at first. All it needed was some TLC, so we picked out some new colors to paint the walls. I picked green, of course; Goose chose light beige. When we got the colors, they were both nasty and even nastier when they were together.

My color turned out to be a florescent, ugly green, and the beige was just too light. So we scrapped those colors and chose a chocolate-pudding brown and a burgundy for the doorframe and borders. The colors gave it a very warm and homey feel. Coming to a compromise on colors and the look of the apartment was difficult for us. If it were up to me, I would have tons of bright color everywhere. Goose likes things to coordinate and look somewhat normal, not like a clown’s colorful home or a chakra poem.

I understand that few would like my style and taste. I decided to go with brown. I like it, something different than what I usually have. I wanted the apartment to be a cozy cave, something like a bear’s hibernation cave. Since it gets so cold here, I plan on hibernating for most of the winter. Also, there are lovely woods near our place that remind me of Avalon.

I made a little video at Goose’s grandparents’ place about my giant zucchini and squash friends that were grown in their garden. The reason their crops are so huge is because his grandparents used heirloom seeds. That means it is not a GMO seed but from a seed of a seed of a seed of a seed, etc. They use the “old ways” to garden. They even know some special tricks I am sure few people are aware of, so I will share them here.

I asked them why their zucchini grew to that size, and they said, “Oh, because they are in love, so they are married.”

I was like, “Um, what?” They were Cypriot after all, and their English language is limited.

“You know, married.” she said again.

“Sorry, I do not understand.” I said.

She then showed me a little zucchini just starting out. It still had its fuzz and she said, “Man.” Then she pointed to the yellow orange flower and said, “Woman.” Then she grabbed the man and put it inside of the woman and grabbed the coil-like vines from the plant and wrapped them around each other. She said, “There, now they are married.” Oh I see, and this is what makes them grow that size.

Now who else knew? It’s things like this that must be preserved. Someone should get them to write a book to ensure their knowledge is not lost. It’s up to the younger generation to maintain this. It’s because we are disconnected from this information that we so lost and hurting in the first place.

Goose’s grandparents are not in the video. It would have been neat to have them in there. They have a very cartoon look to them. In fact, they look just like Bert and Ernie. Bert is the granddad and Ernie is the grandma. They are also known as Bapoo and Ya ya. I love all of the cultures. Cute words for grandpa and grandma!


Chapter 6 – Dallas Texas

It was only a few days after we moved into our new little nest when we had to leave and head to Texas. The trip was a gift from Goose. He got me tickets to see a very rare, secluded Jewel concert. She would be playing to her most hard-core fans who know her most obscure songs. Yep, that’s me!

We were also going to Texas to meet up with some soul family that had been bedridden for fifteen years with Lyme disease. I was in contact with them for a long time, and we often talked and dreamed about meeting one day. I had their number for a few years, but they either were not available or I was not available. It just did not seem to work arranging time to talk with them.

Then one day, after getting another letter from them expressing an interest in Conscious Planet products, I made another attempt to call them. This time I got through. As Goose and I spoke to them on the phone about their journey and difficulties, we mentioned that we were going to Texas for a Jewel concert. These friends and soul family of mine got all excited and said they live in Texas. We told them we were going to Dallas, which happened to be where they lived. In fact, they were only about an hour from the concert.

So there we go, another handy fix-up from my guides of the universal synchronicity flow! I can recognize my guides’ handiwork anywhere. It is always so obvious to me and to you too.

Now some of you may know that I have had difficulties crossing the U.S. border. I was elated to not have any troubles when I went to L.A. with my friend Melissa, but with Goose I was worried. I was reminded of our last time trying to cross the border together. This time they split us up at Customs. We could not talk to an officer together. I got through no problem, but Goose did not.

I was not allowed to wait for him either. I was pushed along past baggage claim, sitting and waiting on a bench for him to show up. I was happy that we left early just in case something happened. A whole hour-and-a-half went by, and I was still on that bench with my butt beginning to fall asleep, concerned that I might be going to Texas without Goose.

I looked at the time. There were only five minutes left to catch our plane. I was pondering if I should I stay or go. That’s when I got a text from Goose saying, “Get on the plane. I will be there soon.” Goose met up with me at the last minute. He told me how the cop was being uncooperative and was not going to let him get on the plane because, again, they thought he was working in the U.S.

He lived in Vegas for many years without working, and they found it suspicious and hard to believe that he lived there all that time on his casino winnings. Now after all these years, he is returning for, of all things, a Jewel concert.

I asked Goose what happened. Why did they suddenly let him go and catch the plane at the last possible minute? Goose said, “I showed them a picture of you and said ‘this is the girl that you will be letting down if I am not allowed to get on the plane.’” He asked them if they had not done anything like this before for a girlfriend. I guess it was something the guard saw in my eyes, or maybe his heartstrings were pulled, and he melted and let Goose go at the last minute.

When we met up in person with the soul family, it was very warm and familiar like a family reunion. We spoke for days and still had so much to say. I got to talk with each member of the family one-on-one while Goose worked on each member of the family with his Quantum Biofeedback device and Conscious Planet program.

At that time, I still had no idea how I fit in with what Goose was doing and what I was doing. We just seemed to be going our separate ways. I have no set method to how I do my work. I just do it, though it is interesting to watch other people’s way of doing things.

Our first half-week in Texas was a crash-course in Lyme disease. This is a really awful thing to have. I was really surprised by what this illness entails. It’s pretty intense, the amount of pain people go through. They were taking huge amounts of methadone just to be able to function and to numb the pain. I learned that some days, the pain is so bad and one’s energy can be so low that they can only do one thing a day, like go and get a glass of water or have a bath and that’s it. That’s your day.

It made me feel awe and wonder about the human spirit, how much we can tolerate, and how we deal and even find the ideal modality to heal.


Chapter 7 – The Creature from Plum Island

In further exploration of this illness that one gets from tick bites, birth, or sexual interaction, we learned that this illness was created in a lab on a small island off the coast of New York City called Plum Island. Lyme disease is a form of biological warfare in all its sophistication.

Doctors are unwilling to admit this illness even exists and procrastinate rather than accurately diagnose. Instead, they tell the patient that it is all in their head, that they are fine. Apparently this illness was created by a scientist who was involved in a sophisticated pain-dispensing project during the war. He was from Germany and was brought to the states to help create Lyme and find a way for it to spread the disease like wildfire.

Today, Lyme is found in every single country of the world except Iceland. Isn’t that curious? Could it be because Iceland is the only country that has the largest population that not only believes in fairies but respects them so much that the people in Iceland will not build a road if they know it will go through a fairy court? Is that why they are protected? Maybe the people of Iceland made some deal with the tick-divas?

To learn more about Lyme and Plum Island, you can look it up or watch an episode by Jesse the Body Ventura about this conspiracy and the creatures washing up on shore, from mutated, mixed animals to extremely longed-fingered people. Were they man-made creations?

I do not watch this TV show as I do not care for it. But I did see the episode on Lyme.

This is quite curious because I met a thirteen-year-old girl whom I will call Penny. She was having some experiences with strange entities with long fingers and long nails. Sometimes the entity would go after her when she was sleeping, and sometimes he would go after her when she was awake. This was not a nice being, and he kept scaring her. It was interesting that it was again a long-fingered being.

Some ETs are said to have long fingers too. And what about Freddy Krueger? Long knife-like finger emulations? There is also a style in Hollywood right now that is used in music videos where women wear long, sharp cones on their fingers to make their fingers very long and creepy looking.

Penny told me that sometimes she would be taken to this cabin where there is another little girl that is kept prisoner, locked up somewhere in the middle of the woods on a small island. She said, “It’s sinister what is done there and it’s scary. I do not know how, but somehow I can be there with this girl. I am not sure if I am her or if I can watch what’s happening through her eyes and not feel what she feels in her physical body. It feels like I am observing her sometime from the corner of the room or like a TV show. I don’t know how and why I always get taken to her. I do not know how to help her but I always try. How is such a thing possible? How does it work that I can be me but also somehow a detached version of this poor girl? She is also near my age. Why am I always taken there to that place and that girl? She’s held captive by the same long-fingered man that haunts and terrorizes me in my home. Do you think he is the same creature created on Plum Island? Is there a way for them to travel and exist in astral realms like us?”

This was a hard thing for me to answer for her because I really do not have an answer for this one, just that things like this happen and people have these experiences. Maybe some of you might have heard of something like this and understand what this is. If so, please let me know.


Chapter 8 – Back to Texas

Back to Texas and how we were able to help this family with Lyme disease recover significantly. I had many emails from people wondering how we accomplished this, as many doctors told them there is nothing you can do for Lyme disease.

It’s simply not true! There are actually many things one can do.

Charles Holmes shares in his presentations about how a girl with Down’s syndrome was able to be healed by eating organic living raw foods and flushing out the toxins. This was done for a portion of time and the girl grew two feet taller. You could not tell that she ever had Down’s syndrome.

Many of us are told, “Sorry, this is the package you were given. There is nothing you can do to change it. You might as well get used to it and live with it.” Again, it’s simply not true. There is so much you can do.

By eating raw food, you make your inner body a pro-terrain land where it’s not possible for nasty bugs and toxins to live. They all just die off. The cooked foods we eat make our body compost while we are alive. We all know when we put our compost outside, many bugs move into that compost box. Well, the same thing is happening in our bodies.

These bugs breed and defecate in our pool/in our bodies, and this births even worse bugs that manifest such nasty, horrendous illnesses. All we did with the family was have them eat strictly raw and put them on a Conscious Planet program with a side order of Goose’s Biofeedback treatments. In three months, they lost weight and are no longer bedridden. They are examples of people who can overcome and heal from Lyme disease.

Everyone in this family is remarkable and admirable. Even their cat is special. (I have a special connection with this cat and meet it often in the dream world.) This cat is the one that helped to bring me to this family. Everyone in that family has a great attitude despite their lot. They are also very psychic and, most importantly, determined to heal.

Determination to heal is the kind of quality we look for when working with people. So they already are the examples and role models they wish to be.

This family was so kind and considerate to us, so much so they saw to it that we had minimal expenses during our stay in Texas. But that’s not all. It is also because of them that we ended up going to Mexico a month later. They were so grateful for our help that they arranged for us to stay at their time-share on the beach for a little romantic getaway. They also wanted to see if we might have luck finding my missing brother, Forrest. Well, finding Forrest was not meant to be during this trip. However, I am grateful for the kindness and love extended from our soul family.


Chapter 9 – Jewel’s Tex Fest

After completing the first half of our trip to Dallas, it was now time for the second half: the much anticipated Everyday Angels private Jewel concert. The plan was to meet up with my very good friend and former lawyer for Jewel, Larry. He was the one who helped Goose get tickets to the show.

When I first learned about the concert, it was too late to get tickets. I do not have the time to watch her site just waiting for new information, so I missed the boat to get tickets. I then told Goose, who, being a determined tree frog who does not give up so easily and always finds solutions for everything, started looking for a way to get me to the show.

Larry helped Goose work some magic and get the tickets. It’s because of them that I got to go in the first place and meet Jewel’s archivist. Apparently she needs an archivist because she is such a prolific writer. She writes every single day, so much that her writings could fill a warehouse. Her archivist has the unique ability to not only keep track of everything she has ever written, but every article she has ever been in and organizes it all.

I was excited to converse with someone who really knows her stuff and ask about Jewel’s more obscure stuff like the songs Star Child, Buttercup, When I Was With You and Flower. I was so happy to see that some of the fans know these songs and also had them on their I-pods. There was a barbecue for us hard-core EDAs (Every Day Angels) where we got to sign a giant card and wrap gifts for Jewel’s expected bundle of joy. There was even a cattle roping of a plywood cow. All of these things were inside jokes and activities done in the good old days of the early EDAs.

Goose spent his time helping to cook the food on the BBQ. Every now and then, I would check in on him to see if he wanted anything. He asked for a drink and I went and got him one, no problem. On my way back I started to talk to someone, and before I knew it, I was being recorded and talking for over forty-five minutes.

Meanwhile, Goose came out of nowhere and took his drink from my hand that I had forgotten about. He knows me well. He knew it would happen and was even joking with some of the guys about it. This is something I do often. I get asked to do something, and on the way I get caught up and distracted in something exciting and forget all about my original task. Or sometimes, I forget to put the cap tight on the juice container and Goose forgets to check this and shakes up the juice and gets an orange juice shower all over his immaculate all-white outfit that he painstakingly tries so hard to keep clean. I look and see him covered in orange juice, and I cannot help but laugh.

There were all kinds of games at this event, even a Jewel trivia game that many were certain I would win. I didn’t fare well because I never cared to know silly details about her life like what dessert she dislikes. I only care to know her deep thoughts, her perspective on life, and her profound lyrics. If there were a trivia game on those subjects, I would most likely win it or at least be a contender.

I met others who got Jewel like I did. It was really refreshing because they were also lightworkers. People came from all over the world. Some came all the way from Ireland to attend this show. Someone even came from Australia just for the show. I heard that a girl was booked to attend this concert, but just a few days before the show she got into a bad car accident and was in a coma. When she awoke, the first words out of her mouth were, “Will I be able to attend the Jewel concert?”

When the sun started to set on the wonderful day of the Tex Fest, some girls showed up to the BBQ who are such hardcore Jewel fans that they made their own talk show about her on YouTube. Jewel watches the show and knows them so well that they are allowed to go back stage and interview her before the concert. My friend Larry and I were supposed to be interviewed by these girls on their show, but the restaurant where they were set to record the interview was noisy and cramped, so we did not feel the time was right to be interviewed. Besides, some other ideas where brewing in us like a book project on Jewel’s life from the spiritual perspective. There are still lots of things to work on before we can fully start that project.

The day of the concert, Jewel’s archivist selected me to do a mini-interview for some public relations work for Jewel. The show itself was very moving but not the way I or anyone else was expecting.

She played for three hours straight on her feet. She was five months pregnant and did not sing her best. She forgot the lyrics of old songs. I love that she tried to remember as many as she could from the thousands of songs she had written. She blew us away because she connected and sang to each one of our souls. Never has she projected her vibe so intensely on her audience. Like I said, it was very moving and very healing.

Goose held me through much of the show. I got emotional and my eyes started to tear. She is so funny and deep. Oh, I love and long for depth in this life, for people to invoke inspiration of truth and defying the odds, to be an example of what life should be and work to touch others, to be an authentic self. To me, I enjoy so much when I share things with people who understand and get as much joy as I do from the things I love.

There is no better way to fly, traveling through the skies of our one universal heart. As she sang some songs, I requested Star Child. Sadly, she still could not recall that one. Instead she played Marital Carnival, a fun, quirky little song.

This concert felt like she was saying goodbye for a while. She was going to take some time and focus on being a mother and let her career be on the side. She has been in the music business for a long time, touring and promoting. I can imagine she is pretty tired and needs a break. I hope her child is her best work of art yet.

It is funny. As I write this, I am listening to a recording of the concert. She is singing a song that has a great message to all girls. It is called See Sassy.

The song invokes a spark in me. Writing is always so much easier and smoother and clearer when I listen to Jewel. I relive the good times and ponder the essence of what it means to be human.

Later on in the summer, Jewel ended up having a beautiful, healthy baby boy and wrote her best blog ever called Newly Born.



Chapter 10 – Concerts and Contemplations

No sooner did we get back from Mexico than I began preparing for my best friend Melissa to come for a visit to Toronto and go on a road trip to Grand Rapids, Michigan, for a Natasha Bedingfield concert. Yes, I drove over the U.S. border and had no trouble at all!

The energy at this concert was more upbeat, fun, and fresh. I do not have much to compare this concert to because I have only attended Jewel concerts, so this was neat. Both women are blasting high-frequency energy to the audience. There is a language in the vibration they emit during a show. I see them like conductors to the collective energy symphony.

Melissa and I stayed in Michigan for another day before we drove back to Toronto, where I showed her around the city and some of the main attractions. It was really good to have her there with me.

It is important to have someone in your company who really understands you and just gets you. Not much needs to be said and we can just laugh and play. I really miss having this in my life. I wish Goose was like her in that way. I also wish she and Goose would get along better and not clash so much. I just want harmony with everyone, but it is just not happening. Of course it is very frustrating and even hurtful at times.

It is hard being away from Melissa and my family. I think about going home almost every day. I wonder what I am doing out here. Why was I led out here? The life I led back home was safe and familiar. I miss that. But I was being called to go and do something different, to learn how to create the life I am meant to live. I am not there yet, though many seem to think so.

I know I have a long way to go before this reality and my dreams merge. We all do, and we are close even if we cannot see it. A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see the pattern of its purpose in the grand design. We seem to go up and down and looping in our path so much so that sometimes we are convinced we are not going anywhere or making any progress. Other times it feels like we are living a snakes-and-ladders type life where just when we move far ahead in the game of life, we land on a snake–and there you are back at the beginning, trying again.

I think at this time we are being called more and more to rise above our fears and obstacles as they loom more and more in our lives. Life really wants us to heal. There are so many elements with loose ends coming up that need to be addressed, now more than ever. And what do we do with them? Make beauty of course! Just like a tree does with all its dead ends. It does not get upset or say, “I am a loser” or “Why did I waste my time going here and doing this when it leads to nothing?”

We do this all of the time in our lives when we experience a relationship or a job or whatever suddenly came to an end. It feels like a dead end. Most people get very upset, feeling like a loser or failure, and it becomes a sensitive, sore part in their life. But a tree’s approach is totally different.

The tree decides to make the best out of their dead end and give some benefit to the world in the form of fruit, flowers, leaves, shade, or comfort rather than being jaded or beating itself up, feeling like a failure and not wanting to try another path or another love.

The tree makes another branch and makes that dead end so abundant that I think it is in love with this process and knows the more it grows, the more it benefits by its gifts of love to the world and all life.

I think whether or not we are aware of the process in our successes and seeming failures, we are all intuitively inspiring each other and providing abundance for one another in the myriad interwoven dimensional grid that connects us all.


Chapter 11 – A Misunderstanding

One thing that’s hard about being in a relationship is to understand that we always need to think about what we do and say. We have to ask ourselves, “Hmm, does this reflect the same truth of my partner?” How can we avoid what others think when our partner’s opinion is not the same as ours?

An example would be Goose and his frustration with a wonderful woman named Leija, whom I inspired/encouraged to make YouTube videos. She made the videos, and though I am proud of them, Goose was annoyed by the videos, feeling that Leija’s approach came off as “valley girl.” In his eyes, that hurt the credibility of what I did as she and her husband/soul mate, Filipe, were tagging me in each of their videos. (If it were not for me inspiring and encouraging her to make videos, she most likely would not have found her witty, lightworker husband.)

Goose felt that she was just repeating and copying what I said, but I was OK with that. “The more people sharing the message, the better,” is how I felt. Then to top it all off for Goose, Leija started to talk about biofeedback in a way that he thought was hurting the credibility of the device and other practitioners. He said even at his biofeedback class they were using her videos as an example of what not to do in speaking about the device. It is a serious type 2 medical device after all, not something that just anyone without training can understand and apply. Goose was also upset when he saw Leija’s husband tagging me in his videos. I know Goose was just being protective and looking out for me, but Goose’s actions came from a place of fear.

Again, this is all Goose’s and the biofeedback school/trainer’s opinion, not mine!

When I found out that Goose was not being kind on Leija’s wall on Facebook, I wrote to Leija to explain where Goose was coming from, how the misunderstanding came about, that I did not agree with Goose, and that I was sorry for the confusion and upset this might have caused. I sent the email feeling good about rectifying things, but then I saw some of my friend’s writing blogs saying that Goose and I were putting Leija and her husband down.

I then also got an email response back from Leija, and she was even more upset at the second attempt to heal the situation. Everyone simply assumed that Goose’s opinion was mine. So now it seems we are tied as an exact unit and what he does/says totally affects me and vice versa. Does being in a relationship mean you lose your individuality, your own voice, and your own opinions? I don’t think so, but it sure seems that way in this situation. This is very frustrating for me. I know Goose was looking out for me, but still it is not cool and not necessary.

The people who understand me will understand me. There will always be a person who will try to discredit and put me and other lightworkers down. That’s just how it is. There are many times when Goose’s energy clashes with mine. A couple weeks later, I saw on Leija’s channel that she posted a more credible video on biofeedback. I would have done the same thing if I were in her position, and the video was good too.

I like Leija’s videos. They are very fun and playful. I do not care if some thinks she is copying me. Since then Leija and Felipe have made better biofeedback videos and they have helped them get lots more clients. So in an indirect way we helped them. She is a good example in a lot of ways and is reaching, helping, and touching many people. That’s what is most important. I love how she and her man make videos and publicly share their love. It is very sweet and inspiring, something I still hope to do one day, if not with Goose, then perhaps with someone else someone more inclined to being an example in the public eye.

I am not sure how yet, but I would like to rectify and clarify things with Leija and Felipe. But she will not speak to me for now, so I do not know what to do in order to make it right.

There are times you can have the best intentions and want to help someone, only to find out that by helping them, you might be over your head and not able to help others after that. So it is best to be totally aware of a situation or contemplate things before you fully immerse yourself. There are times when people who are your friends completely do a 180 and do whatever they can to put you down, or they are nice to you but put your friends down. I have accepted that it goes with the territory. I take refuge in a poem by Mother Teresa about this experience called Anyway.

It’s interesting to see just how much life is a series of strange and mysterious things with constant change ebbing and flowing. All we can do is make ourselves the best people we can be, tasking ourselves to be more aware than those before us.


Chapter 12 – Odds and Ends

In my off time I am reading Dr. David R. Hawkins’ book, Power vs. Force. The book has been mentioned to me many times before. I was even given a copy but never read it for some reason. For those of you who have not heard about Dr. Hawkins, he shares how with proper muscle-testing you can always know the truth because the body knows and does not lie. If you can learn how to calibrate the levels of consciousness, then you can gain a new perspective on people and their true intent. This can prove to be very beneficial.

His books are fascinating, and they are recommended for someone who is more in the mind than in the heart. If you are more in the heart, you will find he uses all kinds of complex ways to talk about something so simple.

Things have been slow for me. I am not sure if I secretly want this or if it is just how it needs to be for now. I say this because in my videos, I have been sharing about my projects and interviews that I keep promising will come. I am keen to do them right away, but when you are working on other people’s time, such things can be delayed longer than one would like. It is odd, but what can you do? Just set the intent, and when it’s ready to happen, it happens.

Another eventful thing that happened this summer was the visit from Charles Holmes and his wife, Wind, from Conscious Planet. They were in town for a conference and for some adventures with us. You can see a video of one of Charles’ talks here.

Goose and Charles are very close friends. They are a paragon of a good partnership. You can leave those two alone together for months and they would still not be bored with each other. Not only is there so much they can discuss, but they complement each other in thinking, understanding, and problem solving.

I have been doing what I can or just going with the flow. A friend offered to help better organize my website so it is more user-friendly and not so wordy. This too has been a slow and delayed process. I am not sure if I like the changes so far, and I might just go back to how it used to be. The other changes to my websites are the Spanish translations at the end of most of my main content information. I hope this helps my dear Spanish-speaking family.

I have also started to offer sessions again in which I answer any questions people have and help them connect with their guides. I have even added in some life coaching. For more information and a session with me, see this link on my website.

I have done some “Jessages” for people who saw little ads that I posted here and there. I have found that my healing ability has greatly improved for reasons still unknown to me. I was really taken aback when a 300-pound man requested a Jessage. He was in so much pain and was riddled with addiction. Surprisingly to him and to me, with just three sessions he was pain and addiction-free.

Here is his testimonial:

I had been searching for years to understand my spiritual thoughts and needs, along with trying to understand why my constant aches and pains were never dealt with properly. I like a lot of people, and have spent hundreds to thousands of dollars trying to remedy both sides of the human experience, that is, spiritual and physical oneness.

I couldn’t put them together, because when I was being spiritual, my body would slam dunk me back so I would have to deal with that separately.

Now with Jessica, I received both healings at the same time. It makes sense to operate that way, as I found I was getting answers for both metaphysical and body-physical torments.

The Jessage is a very simple way to get a simple answer on a duality level. With love-filled healing and teaching along the way to recovery after 2 sessions, I found the answers to many long-held beliefs I had wrongly held, and with that, my spirit and awakening heart has molded together to keep me physically pain free, and spiritually conscious.

Thank-you Jessica… and light…Robert, Ontario.

With respect to other projects, my poetry will be published very soon. Yes, I know you have heard me say this years ago, but I think it is safe to say it now as the book is being proofread. We will print a galley proof to review and then it will be ready for the public. The editing for some reason has taken way too long. I have had to be patient and just trust the process. There are some new poems, and it will also be published in Spanish as well as English. Now that I know the process, it should not take long to publish my other work. I have always wanted to publish my dad’s book and some children’s books.


Chapter 13 – An Elephant Outsmarts a Scholar

Not too long ago, Goose and I met up with my brother Lee. It had been years since I last saw him, and I was nervous because our interactions never went well. This time was different because I had Goose.

Lee and Goose are very similar. Surely Goose could speak Lee’s language and help him understand me.

It seemed as if we accomplished this. Goose talked with Lee and about Conscious Planet and even hooked him up to the biofeedback machine. He was able to prove energy and chakras and tell him things that were going on his body. Lee was familiar with some issues and others he was not. It seemed that he finally respected me and Goose, but of course he would only respect me when I did something that did not fully have my heart. But still it made me think if I could learn to explain and master this device like Goose, then perhaps I could speak one day at Lee’s University. But was this something I truly wanted to do or was that my ego dreaming?

As usual, Lee had a funny story to share about his travels. I learned he has been spending most of his time in Asia where he is setting up and designing the layout of factories in Beijing and then spending his off time in Thailand. He explained how he had to do this jungle trek for three days on the back of an elephant. He did this with two other friends, and there was no way of getting to this destination without an elephant.

On his trek, he decided to scratch the elephant behind the ears. He did this for about two minutes. Then shortly after he stopped, the elephant grabbed a tree branch and broke it off and hit Lee first on the left side then the right side and then the left again. Lee was getting nervous about the beating he was getting from this elephant. He knew he could not get off the elephant, so, desperate to appease the elephant, he started to scratch behind its ears again. To Lee’s surprise, the elephant threw his beating stick away. Poor Lee was stuck being a scratching-slave to this elephant for the whole three days. If he stopped at all, the elephant would break off another stick.

I found this story hilarious because Lee is a scholar, a real brain, but he could not outsmart this elephant. The elephant did not go to university and does not have any degrees. Nature’s intelligence is always wiser.


Chapter 14 – Tying the knot

Well, I have done it. I tied myself into a knot in yoga and now I have decided to tie the knot with it!

Yep, I have committed to Bikram yoga again. And yes, it is a torturous and hot ninety minutes. But it is so worth it because of how I feel after the class and when I sleep and wake up.

I know this is also the case for others who do this kind of yoga. I always interview people there to hear their story and learn what Bikram yoga has done for them. Some did Bikram yoga and found it helped them with depression and anxiety. It also gave them a sense of purpose and a significant, smooth reduction of medication intake. People have told me about arthritis going away and even headaches. Yes, I have got my mom do Bikram, and it helps with her headaches. But she has to be able to keep it up with the class.

Bikram yoga has even helped people mangled in car accidents to dramatically recover. One of my yoga instructors who was told would never walk again, healed after just six months of doing Bikram yoga. It’s incredible how bones joints and ligaments repair themselves. It’s really something. But what impresses me the most about it is Bikram himself.

Another thing I like about yoga: it is like a martial arts but more peaceful. It’s a mind-over-matter lesson in self-mastery. It is something one like me really needs. I feel like I owe it to my body to do something for it. It helps to ground me, and it’s a way of saying thank-you to my body for all it does for me.

The first time I did the class, I heard my body say “yes” and “thank-you.” I never heard my body speak in such clear and exclamatory words before. I was a bit shocked. I responded to my body saying, “Really, you like this and you want to do more of this? OK, then we will.” I love watching the progress of how my body is changing, tightening up, becoming stronger and more flexible. Physically, I am the least flexible and graceful person I know, but I’m graceful in other ways, like in the spiritual way. This might explain why I end all my emails with “warm embrace laced in grace.”

It is good for me to have a good physical goal with my body. This is why I have been entertaining the idea of becoming a Bikram yoga instructor. This particular hot yoga is very challenging but also compelling. I somehow know I can do it. I want to see myself do it. It would be good to have this skill, something I can do anywhere in the world as a job if need be. This is lightwork in another package.

Speaking of which, I find this yoga class is a good place to find like-minds. Most people who do this yoga have some kind of awakening where they become very consciousness of the food and water they put into their body. They become savvy to what’s going on in our world and spirit. It is pretty neat to see. It’s a safe place to just be. An example of a celebrity who does this and is spiritually aware is Jim Carrey.

I find that when I am able to stick to raw food, it helps tremendously with Bikram yoga. I find if I am not mostly raw when I do it, my mind becomes harsher, saying, “Who are you fooling? You cannot do this! Why don’t you give up?” When I have mostly raw food in me, my self-talk is more like, “Come on Jess. You can do it. It’s not that hard. It’s mind over matter.”

It is helpful always to be our own best friend, to be kind and gentle with ourselves. Food is one way to express that love and friendship.

Now you guys can better understand why I decided to be committed and tie the knot with Bikram yoga and work to become an instructor. I will take my time and prepare my body. It will tell me when it is time to go to L.A. to get my certification.

For more information about Bikram yoga, see:


Chapter 15 – Give it to me Raw

It’s time to share my eating protocol, as I get so many emails about this.

In the morning, we start with a shot glass of lemon juice, and then we make ourselves a juice. I do not know how I lived this long without knowing about juicing all of this time. A juicer is a truly wonderful thing!

We tend to start our day juicing either fruits or vegetables. You can use anything you like. We have The Juicing Bible, which is awesome. I still like creating my own inventions.

For lunch, I like to grate carrots, beets, ginger, and apples and add balsamic raspberry vinaigrette and assorted spices.

For dinner, we are really into our food processor that acts like a noodle maker. We make raw noodles out of zucchini, cucumbers, and apples. We cube a mango, add some pesto, and sprinkle hemp seeds for protein and to make the dish more filling. Another version of this dish (using the same noodles), is to add spaghetti sauce, diced tomatoes, avocados, olives, cilantro, hemp seeds, and assorted spices to taste.

We sometimes also like to add something we call a “neat ball” rather than a meatball. This is really tasty and very filling. It consists of assorted raw nuts finely crushed with a coffee grinder, and then we add some raisins in the grinder to stick everything together with an assortment of spices. Roll it into either a ball or a patty shape. They are nice in wraps as well. You can also break this up and put it in your salad to add a nice new kick and dimension to your salad.

We also like to make almond milk, cashew ice cream, and even hemp nut milk. The hemp nut milk is a little too intense for me, but many people really like it. To make hemp milk, you put hemp seeds in the blender followed by a couple cubes of ice, water, some agave, and a bit of cinnamon and rose water. You can also use other flavorings like watermelon, which is really nice.

Yes, that’s another thing for a daily snacks. We love items like melons, sundried tomatoes, olives, and kimchi. I love to eat a raw beet that’s been peeled and washed and eat it like an apple. Try it and you will be pleasantly surprised.

We are also into sprouting wheat grass and sunflower seeds. To learn more how to do this and get the necessary seeds and supplies, visit Steve Meyerowitz’s website.

It’s an effective diet and is even more incredible when you add Bikram yoga to the mix.

My advice is to be gentle with yourself on this diet. Start slowly. Ease yourself into 50 percent raw or go totally raw for just one month and see how you feel. Notice any differences you feel. It’s fine if you are 70-80 percent raw. That’s what we were for a long time. I suggest if you are going to eat cooked foods, try to eat them after 4:30 p.m. But do not eat too many cooked foods too late in the day because it will take a long time to digest. You will wake up the next day feeling tired because your body was not able to rest but working hard to digest food.

We should strive to not eat until we are full but until we are satisfied and our hunger pangs are gone. Eating more light foods helps you feel lighter in all senses of the word. If you are having a hard time giving up meat, then just try to greatly reduce the amount you have–perhaps cut back to once a week. Do not beat up yourself. This is not an easy diet. I, too, often fall off the bandwagon.

There are also many other nutritional options like sungazing or monodiets. I have also been doing lot of research on just a fruit diet. Apparently some speculate that we are not vegetarians but fruitarians and that people are helping others with all kinds of illness just by switching to an all-fruit diet for most of the day and a small salad in the evening. It’s recommended to just stick with one kind of fruit (like grapes or oranges) for forty days and see what happens. Now I know that eating the same fruit for forty days does not sound that exciting, but apparently some have had some pretty incredible awakening experiences. I am intrigued by this idea and want to explore it further.

So far my diet is 70 percent raw. I seem to go on and off the raw food train. But as it gets colder that number might decrease a bit. I really enjoy having hot soup in cold weather.


Chapter 16 – Kitty Fever

As many of you know, I am cat freak! Yes, I dream of one day being one of those old ladies with tons of cats around her.

I have been very sad about having so much time pass without having any kitties to love, and I still miss the kitties I used to have. This move has been extremely hard on me. Every day I miss my family and think about just going home. Now that we have our own little place, Goose decided to make things easier for me and let me have a kitty.

At first he was not for it because he was not raised around animals. They were considered more like mongrels having to be kept outside because being clean and neat with your home is more important than having a furry love companion. So it took a bit of convincing, but in the end he melted.

We got The Great Xander first. I am used to getting cats when they are young babies, but this was not the case with Xander. Goose fell in love with him. He asked the cat his name, and he heard, “I am The Great Xander.” He is a pretty unique cat. He goes crazy at the sight of flies, getting so excited that he stutters and then lets nothing get in his way to catch that fly. He loves to go outside. For a long time, we did not let him outside because there are so many raccoons around. We were nervous for his safety. In time we let him outside and saw he was fine. He is not allowed out at night.

At first we wanted him to be an indoor cat, but he was determined to be an outdoor cat. There is just too much adventure out there for him and this giant white Russian cat with which he likes to duel. He is depressed when he is not able to go outside. Every day he looks outside and dreams of all of the adventures there are to be had outside.

Xander loves to do high jumps and flips in the air. He also likes to chill on the very top edges of doors. He hates to be held and complains when he is. He does not scratch us. He always retracts his claws when he brushes his paw against our skin. He also loves to talk all of the time. He can seem like a grouchy, prickly-pear. He likes to act tougher than he really is.

The Great Xander also loves to play fetch of all things. He also comes when he is called, which is uncommon for a cat.

As wonderful as Xander is, we felt he was lonely, or maybe I just wanted another cat. Goose was agreeable after getting a taste of the joys of having a kitty. I knew I wanted a baby kitty this time, one that did not complain when it gets held and, most importantly, it had to be orange. One of Goose’s friends happened to have a litter of kitties. That’s where I found my orange baby boy. He was about five weeks old when I brought him home. It was the very night of the hurricane in New York. As I recall, we had a crazy thunder and lightning show that night.

Goose wanted to show him to Xander right away, but I knew this was not wise. Goose had a lot to learn about cats, and I was the one to teach him. That first night with my orange baby, it was like he was my newborn. I did not want to put my baby down. I could not stop staring at and loving my new baby.

That night I slept in a separate room with the baby. Goose stayed in the other room with Xander so he would not be jealous. The next day Xander officially met little Picasso. For short, we called him Pekoe (as in orange pekoe tea, and also, the name is a combination of the names of my last two dearly loved kitties, Peekie and Eeko.)

At first, Xander did not like Pekoe at all. I had never seen a cat so angry. He growled all of the time, even while he was eating his food. It was actually funny. When he was near Xander, Pekoe would respond to the hissing, growling, and light hitting by just going to sleep or sitting very quietly, saying, “I know you do not like me now, but if you give me a chance, we will be the best of friends. I know you’re lonely and need a friend. I need a friend, too, and I miss my family.”

I was concerned that Xander was still so angry with this orange baby. I was worried to leave them alone for fear he might harm my baby. But I was determined for them to get along. In doing my research, I learned it could take months for Xander to warm up to him, so I had to figure out something.

One thing I did was lather baby Pekoe in catnip so every time Xander came near him he would become high and less sour-grape like. The last thing I did, which I think really worked, was putting Xander in one room, Pekoe on the other side of the door in the other room, and a toy under the door. The toy would go back and forth until the paws would come out from under the door, reaching for the moving object together, which made them work teammates attacking the moving object. Then their paws touched and they started to play. After that experience, they were friends, playing and sleeping together. I knew Xander would not be able to resist Pekoe’s cuteness. I have even seen Xander making sure the Pekoe is all-clean, or maybe that’s the fish juice I put on him.

It only took four days for them to be friends. Pekoe has a lot more energy than Xander and always wants to play. All Xander wants is to do is go outside, sleep, or be left alone.

One day, I heard strange meows. I went to see what it was and saw it was Pekoe watching Xander from the window. Xander was meowing at Pekoe, “Come on! Come out with me. It is fun!” Pekoe meowed back, “No, I cannot. I am not allowed.”

When my friend came to visit me, I brought up her suitcase, and little orange Pekoe came to investigate the luggage. I did not see him, and I accidently rolled over his tail. He cried out loud. The next thing I heard was a meow I only hear mother cats make. To my surprise, it was Xander all puffed up, his back arched, hissing and smacking the luggage the best he could. It was as if he were saying, “Who is hurting my little brother? Don’t worry, little Pekoe! I will take care of this bully for you.”

We eventually let Xander outside again, and to our fear and horror, we saw Xander with several raccoons all around him. Goose freaked out, panicked, and chucked a lemon at one of the raccoon’s heads. The raccoon did not even flinch. It was like it was a terminator-raccoon or something. Then suddenly it started charging Goose, and he quickly closed the window. To our surprise, the raccoons were not harming Xander at all. It seemed like they respected him. He had befriended all the raccoons around him. He is like a Zen master or something. I have never heard of any cat doing something like that.

It seems that Xander has a hard time being a cat. He seems like some Indian prince. I say this because this cat shape shifts. I have seen so many different faces every time I look at him. It is his first time being a cat, and in a lot of ways, it is very frustrating to him to have paws and only be able to speak in meow. Not everyone is fluent in that language.

In talking to a pet whisperer about him, I learned that he had a nice home before us, but he decided to leave it and go on a long journey as he was feeling called to a particular place. He does not like to be owned by anyone. Freedom is very important to him. He loves us, but he just wishes he could go outside more. Outside-time is never enough with Xander.

We found out the reason he wants to go outside all of the time is because he has people to see at certain times. He is a lightworker and loves to brighten up peoples’ days, visiting and saying hello. He knows when his people are about to start their work, and he is there to lend his support. He makes friends with everyone, and he belongs to the people.

One night when another friend of mine stayed overnight, she had a headache. Xander stayed with her, kneading her and purring until her headache went away. I guess you can call it cat reiki.

Pekoe has a lovely personality. He is so full of love. He purrs and wants to cuddle all of the time. He loves to sleep right on our neck, and every morning he has to come in for kisses. Any new guest in our house gets kisses from him. I downloaded him with so much love that it clearly emanates from his eyes.

Pekoe gets taken everywhere to stores, in the car, to the park, and he stays by our side like a dog. Although he is lovely and very sweet, he is not the smartest cat. He is also very clumsy. It might be because he walked by and sniffed a lit candle and burnt off half of his whiskers. Whiskers are one way cats sense their environment.

He also has tons of energy and just wants to play. Xander will only play with him a little bit, and then he wants to go outside or be left alone. Pekoe is a toddler and Xander is a teenager. They both have separate interests, though Xander does not mind taking care of the Pekoe here and there. When Xander goes outside, he likes to be gone for a few days, so Pekoe is often left on his own. It is clear Pekoe gets lonely. So I told Goose, we need one more kitty, a girl this time. I thought it would be neat to have a white one. I never had a white kitty before.

Goose said to me, “If it were up to you, you would have 100 cats,” and he is right. So at first, he was reluctant to get another one. But when he saw how lonely Pekoe was, he changed his mind. He wanted his little boy to be happy.

We ended up getting a kitten that was not all white, but mostly so. She had a grey spot on her head and her eyes are gold. She was about three months when we got her. She must be part cupcake or munchkin because she is very small for her age. We wanted a younger kitty, but we could not find a younger white female at the time, so we decided to try this one out.

When Pekoe first saw her, he cocked his head to the side and looked at her in a love-struck way. He was fascinated by her. He could not take his eyes off of her, even when she went to the litter box. They got along right away. Some say they are soul mates. She is friendly but a tad timid. She loves to play and is very smart. We called her Sopheeze. She has not warmed up to Goose yet, so he tells everyone that Sopheeze is not his cat but Pekoe’s cat. She is my cat’s cat and she makes him happy. I like how Sophie has brought out the best in Pekoe. He now buries his poo, for example, and cleans himself more. She is also able to hold her own with Pekoe. She may be smaller than him, but she always wins their play-fight duels.

I have a good connection with her though. She has nice, calming, quirky energy. OK, I think that is more than enough about my cats. One more thing: I am currently training them to use the toilet. So far, so good. It’s a gift for Goose as he is not a fan of the litter-part of having a cat. Here are some videos of them. This first one is Pekoe being trained to use the toilet. It takes some trial-and-error, not to mention lots of patience. The next video is my best collection of clips of their antics, cuteness, and play.


Chapter 17 – Oh Hap-pee Day

This was a strange day. It started with me going to Bikram yoga class and drinking two huge bottles of water: one before class and one during class. After class, I drank a huge Conscious Planet smoothie as well. Shortly after, I went on the bus to meet up with Lilou Mace and be interviewed by her.

I have known Lilou for two years now. She previously interviewed me through Skype. Years went by and we drifted a bit as we were caught up in our own things. Then one day–I am not sure how it happened–I guess I saw her on Skype and messaged her and she responded with, “I will be coming to your area soon. I would love to interview you again.” So we made plans, and here I was on the bus, looking my best to go see her.

I am a big fan of her work as she, like me, focuses on the beautiful, positive, uplifting things in life and is living her truth to the degree that the universe is taking full care of her. She is free to travel and interview others without any concern or fear. She has interviewed some of the most influential people on the planet. It happens naturally for her. She does not have to try in any way. I guess it is just meant to be and that’s her path. Synchronicities always confirm that we are on the right path.

Anyway, I was on the bus all dressed up to see Lilou when I felt my bladder say, “Hey, we need to unload NOW!” I had only been on the bus for ten minutes and had forty minutes to go on the route. To top it off, it was all freeway. There was no way the bus would stop, so I did my best to hold it.

I tried taking my mind off my bladder by doing a little reading of my Power vs. Force book, but very soon I could not even read. So I closed the book and out of my book falls a flyer that says, “Drink water.” My response is a slow motion “NOOOOOOoooooo…….” I crumpled up the flyer and threw it away.

Next I tried Zening out, but that only worked for so long. Due to the speed bumps and traffic jam, this battle became excruciating!

“Be one with the bladder, Jess. You are the bladder. There is no bladder.

You don’t have to go. Come on, you know it’s only mind over matter.

You don’t have to go.”

Oh yes I did! I was sitting near the back of the bus, and I started thinking I would need to be near the front to make a fast exit so as not to push people out my way if they started to idle in the aisles.

I rushed to the front, ignoring the guy’s flirtatious overtures behind me. I sat next to this random person, and she listened to my conversation with the bus driver about my situation. The girl next to me was now nervous.

The bus driver was a woman. She was very understanding. She said, “Oh darling, it is just pee. If you have to go, just go.”

“No, you cannot be serious! Not on these nice cushy blue seats! What do you guys do when these things happen?” I asked.

“Oh, we just get a new bus,” she said.

I still was not comfortable with idea of just, uh “letting-loose” on the bus. It was a very full bus. But I learned there is only so long one person can hold that much liquid in the bladder and there is a point of no return. Apparently, I reached it only ten minutes from my stop.

Well, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. And boy did I ever go–like I have never gone before! It must have been a world record, and it was apparent to everyone on the bus what had happened. I especially felt bad for the poor woman next to me. I kept apologizing because I could not stop yet. I tied my sweater around my waist and ran off that bus as fast as I could as I heard this guy say, “Dude, did that chick just pee herself? Look at that puddle!”

Now, why am I telling this to everyone and making this public? Well, for one, I really do not care. I mean, I peed on a public bus! What’s left to be embarrassed about now? In truth, it was not as bad as I thought it would be–far worse in my head as things usually are. Such a thing never happened to me before and of all things, the day of a big interview with Lilou!

I decided to go to Goose’s mom’s house to get cleaned up. As I waited for my clothes in the washing machine, I felt hunger pangs, so I decided to get a veggie wrap. I borrowed Goose’s mom’s dress. It was just sitting on the bed, and I thought that would do. I had no idea why that dress was on the bed in the first place.

So there I was walking down the street when I heard some guys driving by say, “Hey, that chick’s dress is totally see-through! I turned around slowly, hoping that it was not me, but it was! I tried to hide, but before I could, the Toronto tour bus pulled up in front of me with tourists taking pictures. So I ran around the corner to avoid being seen by more people, but to no avail. City TV was there filming some random news story.

That day was truly the day of embarrassment. I have no idea about the purpose of all of it. I wondered if this was the end of it or a prelude of things to come on this day. I am happy to report that that was the last of the embarrassment episodes for that day.

I collected my clean clothes and met up with Lilou. She took me to the place where she was staying, which happened to be Deepak Chopra’s friend’s house. It is the same place Deepak stayed at when he gave seminars in Toronto. The place is a mansion that has a spectacular backyard garden in which to film.

The interview went wonderfully. Lilou is delightful, very warm, and understanding. She helped me feel comfortable to share in a relaxed way. I had a chance to share some new information like the 11:11 story, which I have yet to write about on this blog.

There is so much more that happened in that story that I did not have time to share in the interview. I will write about it in the next chapter. The interview ended up going really well despite the first half of my day. The interview struck a chord with so many that it even ended up being translated into Japanese.

You can view the interview here.

Lilou and I had a great chat. It was nice to connect with her again. She is truly an inspiration. I told her next time I wanted to interview her. She said next time maybe I could travel with her and help her interview other people. Of course I would love to, but let’s see if it is meant to be.


Chapter 18 – 11:11 Story

It all started several years ago when I decided to see my soul star family that I had contacted online. Each time I met them, incredible things happened. We empower each other and discover our dormant abilities. Sometimes we even help activate each other.

This particular soul family member I was going to meet was Ansara. Some of you might know her as I just recently did a recorded interview with her. Here is part 1 and part 2.

I bought a train ticket to northern California to meet Ansara and to go see Mt. Shasta. I was twenty-two at the time. I did not notice that the ticket I bought cost $111.11 on car 11, seat 11, to depart at 11:11 a.m. I had no idea what this meant, but my guides have a funny way of getting messages across to me.

Looking back, it seems like when I went off on my own to travel somewhere, my guides really made themselves known. Traveling helps me become much more connected. They always teach me some important things that I would later help the world understand the best I could.

When I arrived at Ansara’s place, the first thing I did was go right to her bookshelf. I am always so fascinated with people’s bookshelves and what they are reading. While I was looking at her books, Ansara saw my train ticket. She pointed out all of the 11s, and as she said that, my eyes fell onto a book on her shelf called 11:11 by Solara. I looked up and said out loud to my guides. “OK, I get it. I will read this.”

Many things started to fall into place. Like most people, it is not new information or better understanding that compels us to read, but to get confirmation of what we know deep down to be true. It is also to find the right articulation for incredible feelings and experiences, to learn how others are trying to explain it to help others understand. It was a magical time with Ansara. We understand each other on every level.


Chapter 19 – This is Surreal, R-U-4-Real?

When it was time to leave Ansara’s house, I bought a bus ticket and headed to L.A.

On the bus ride I sat next to a young man who was an artist. He showed me some of his work, and as we continued to talk, I learned that he had no money on him.

When his stop came up, I felt like I wanted to help him, so I offered him some money. He smiled and said, “I am fine. I do not need any money. We are always taken care of.” I sat for a portion of my trip reflecting on his words. The book 11:11 had a similar message.

The next person who sat next to me was another young man who ended up mentioning to me that he also had no money, no job, no family, and no place to stay when he got to L.A.

I again felt compelled to give him some money, and he also said, “No, I am fine. I do not need your money. The universe will take care of me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “You have no job.”

“Oh, that’s OK. I will find a job when I need one. I always do.”

“OK, but when you get to L.A., you will need a place to sleep and something to eat.”

“Yes, I know. I will sleep on the beach. It’s really nice to sleep there. It’s fine until about 6 a.m. and you have to get up and greet the sun; otherwise, the cops will collect you. I can eat oranges. Good old L.A. is abundant with them. Even when it seems things are not going well at all, I find if I stay centered and trust, things just work out. It is like we have angels watching out for us,” he said. Then his stop abruptly came up, and I was left again on my own to contemplate the same message.

As my journey on the bus neared the end, a few people remained on the bus when we pulled into a bus stop. It was close to 11 p.m., and the bus driver said we were going to have a brief stop here. I looked out the window. It did not look like a good part of town at all. I really did not want to leave the bus, but the bus driver said there is no way anyone could stay on the bus if he was not also on the bus.

I walked off and went quickly inside to the bus station’s café area. It was pretty dingy. It was apparent that poverty was rampant in the area. The people were hungry on many levels of their being. People kept asking me for money. I only had a small amount on me to start, and as people began to ask, I gave away nearly all of my money. I told myself I would have to stop or I would have nothing for myself to eat. So in my head I promised myself that I would say “no” to the next person who asked me for money.

No sooner had I promised myself this when a disheveled, sketchy man approached me saying, “Excuse me, Miss, do you like this necklace?” It was a large, obnoxious amethyst necklace that I honestly did not like.

“Oh, it’s alright,” I said.

He said, “I will tell you what. I will give it to you if you will give me some money to eat.” He looked at me and implored, “Please, I am starving.” I sighed, gave him the last bit of my money, and sat down at a table, praying for the time to pass quickly.

The man who sold me the necklace returned and asked if he could sit with me. He sat down and looked at me. He could tell that I was uneasy and nervous.

“Forgive me,” he said, “but are you a Pleiadian?” I sat up straight and looked into his eyes and said, “Huh, you know about the Pleiadians too?”

“Well,” he said, ”you know what they say: like always recognizes like.” His eyes twinkled over at me as if peering into my soul. I became fascinated with the look in his eyes. I wanted my eyes to be able to give the same look to people.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “I did not tell you my name. It’s Uriel, as in Archangel Uriel.”

It was only a few months prior that I learned my Guardian Angel’s name was Uriel. At the time, I wondered what it would be like to meet him in the physical. What kind of conversations would one have with one’s own personal angel? I could not help but wonder though, why now did he choose to come? Why not before when I lost my family members? It was as though Uriel had read my mind and said, “Come on, Jess, don’t you recognize the pattern, the language of life? What’s the theme, the recurring pattern of this trip? What’s the meaning of the synchronicities? Can you see how you might have been tested?”

There were a few highlights that came to mind such as: living life on trust, 11:11, and kindness, when one looks out for others more than themselves. That’s because subconsciously I knew I would be taken care of, which is a loop back to trust.

Uriel smiled. “Yes, you understand well. Never forget this lesson as it will be recurring in life. You need to help others to see it. When the time comes, you will know. It’s like a muscle that gets stronger the more you work it.”

“Life will give you plenty of opportunities to exercise this potential. Everyone has it if they would only surrender, trust, and believe. If people understand this, they will find out how wealthy everyone truly is. I know you hear this so much that it sounds like a cliché.”

“Words are pretty easy to say, but not everyone can carry through with their actions and be an example. People need to strive to do their best to live their life in trust and be an example. This is something for you to do because your work is about to begin. You will travel a great deal with very little money so you can show how well you grasp this message.”

“Sometimes it will seem scary, like we are not there, but like you now clearly see, we are always here. We will be there in your time of need. You now know what to do. Demonstrate to us that you understand this message by living in trust.”

It was a nice, healing interaction. He rode on the bus with me, and I was fascinated with his hands. Physically they did not look different, but they did have a light to them. I am not sure how long he was on the bus with me as I have never been good at keeping track of time. What I do know is that he is a real guy. I took his contact information and we stayed in touch for a bit over the Internet. But the guy with whom I corresponded was not the same being that I spoke to that night. He did not really recall our interaction. It was as if he was inspired to share at that time, or that Uriel came through him just to relay a message to me. I think the latter happens more often than we realize.


Chapter 20 – Manifesting Dreams

I arrived in L.A. and met with some starseed friends at a coffee shop. They were surprised seeing me with The Book of Knowledge: The Keys of Enoch. They said, “Well, you do not see too many girls like you wondering around with that book.” I should add that the book is highly coded. If you are familiar with sacred geometry in word form, it can be deciphered. The coding is not just sacred geometry. It also includes metaphors and symbols like references to seven lampshades that can be interpreted as the seven sisters of the Pleiades.

I was keen to meet lightworkers/starseeds at the time to share information and connect with those who would understand and are interested in the same topics. I wanted to share the videos that were given to my family and me. I felt that others could help me spread the word about these videos.

It was around this time I met Michael Perlin, who was into film even then. I contacted him after coming across his script idea on starseeds. I think he was working on a film called Skeptic or something like that.

We became friends right away, and it was really neat to talk with someone who understood and felt the same way I did. He and his friends were wonderful hosts, showing me around town. I think it was Mike who took me to Disneyland for the first time. We also went to Venice Beach, The Getty Art Museum, the Yogananda Temple, and Mt. Shasta.

I was nervous every time he spent money on me because I did not to want to feel obligated. He did not make me feel obligated. In a way, it was another lesson for me to learn about trusting the universe. I went into the etheric looking for a way to balance things out.

After that, every day that we went out for another adventure, the money he spent for the day would be the exact amount he would make back from his online business. It was fun! Every day we did something different. We even went to see Ammachi, an enlightened hugging living-saint. I like how she creates balance within by merging the divine masculine with the divine feminine. They balanced, made love, and birthed her inner child that brought about her enlightenment. I feel this is something that happens to all of us on the road to awakening whether we are conscious of it or not.

I enjoyed seeing Amma and prayed that I, too, would have a job one day where I could hug others. Amma’s purpose of doing this is to heal through her hugs and unite the nations in peace. I wonder how she does it, how she has the strength and energy to hug so many without her arms getting sore, which I experienced in Spain after hugging 150 people after one of my conferences.

I stayed out in California for about a month before it was time to head back. Mike was a fabulous host. He made sure I was OK all throughout the trip and even dropped me off at the train station to make sure I got there safely.

So there I was on my train, getting ready to relax on my journey back to Canada, or so I thought. Five minutes into my train ride, I heard, ”Last stop. Everyone off.” I thought, “You have got to be kidding! It’s a joke, right?” Nope, everyone was getting off the train, so I did too.

I went into the train station to find out what was happening. Apparently I had gotten on the wrong train and was now at the wrong train station to make my connection. It was 11 p.m., and this station was about to close. I had no money on me and was once again in a seedy part of town. Now what was I to do? Where would I go?

I had no way of reaching Mike. To top it off, the train with which I was supposed to connect, left for Canada half an hour prior. The next train to Canada would not be coming until tomorrow. I needed a place to stay the night and a way to get to the other station. It dawned on me that I seemed to be checkmated.

As fear and worry started to surface, I remembered Uriel and what he said. Was it really that easy to just trust and surrender? Were they really here watching me go through all of this? If so, it is embarrassing that they have faith in me, and I let fear and worry start to creep in. I must have faith in myself and them too.

I was so immersed in my thoughts that it took me a bit to realize someone was talking to me. He said, “Miss, I am sorry about your situation, but you cannot stay here. We have to close the station now.” I sat outside the station, crouched into a ball on the concrete, trying to keep myself warm. This did not seem so bad. I could sleep on the floor.

The man and woman who locked up the station walked over to me and told me they would drive me to the other station to catch my connection the next day. It was about twenty minutes on the other side of town.

When we arrived at the other station, we did not expect to see any trains. But sure enough, there was one train. It happened to be the train I should have caught an hour ago! How was it that the train was still there? Could it be Uriel? Did they really stop a train for me to demonstrate a point?

I got my answer after I boarded the train. The conductor apologized on the loudspeaker for the delay and announced that the train was now repaired. He said we were now on our way. Thankfully, I made it back to B.C. without any more adventures.

I lost touch with Mike shortly after returning to B.C. To me, the people we meet in life are like DNA. We cross paths and go off in different directions for a time, only to cross paths again at a later date.

I returned to L.A. a few more times. Some of you may remember that I did some lectures with Eric Willis and Tina Castaldi in L.A. after my Project Camelot interview in Sedona.

After our interactions, Eric made a networking website for lightworkers.

See or or

Eric and I stayed in touch for a bit. I lost contact with him for a time. Then he contacted me out of the blue. He told me it was time for us to meet again. He wanted to share with me what had transpired since our last meeting, and he also had some new projects to work on together. He went on to tell me that he felt inspired to buy a sizeable property in Hawaii and set up an eco-community.

When faced with a similar desire for a seemingly out-of-reach momentous project, many of us get bogged down with the feasibility of our dreams, and details like money become barriers to making the dream a reality. In essence, we are stopped by the details before we even get started.

One thing I learned about manifesting is the less you think about how to create something, the better. Trying to know or figure out “the how” means we need to visualize something a certain way, which then blocks all of the other possible ways for the same end to manifest.

Let me give you an example. If someone visualizes being rich and you ask them how this is going to come about, they say the lottery. Suppose they were meant to be rich by a means other than winning the lottery. But because the person can only think to get money from the lottery, they end up blocking the true venue by which the money was intended to come their way. Think about it. There are so many more exciting ways to become wealthy than buying a winning lottery ticket.

The other aspect to consider is that one can own a huge eco-community and not have any money with which to purchase or build the community. Most people are not able to conceive of building a community without first having a large bank account. Again, putting limitations on your dreams blocks the manifesting process and prevents the universe from showing you other ways. This is why Eric’s story is so neat.

If you really want to manifest something, take a step toward the goal every day no matter how small that step may be. Anastasia shared a similar, more detailed message on manifesting in book one. (If you buy the books, buy the original green cover ones, if you can find them!)

Eric manifested his dream through various synchronicities. First, he had a vision that he knew was possible. Then, the name of the property came to him. When he found the place from his vision, he found out it cost $40 million. He did not have that kind of money as he was just getting by through trusting the universe. Instead of abandoning the dream and getting angry at the universe for taunting him, he decided to call the realtor about the property – a step toward trusting the universe.

He told the relator he was interested in the property but was not able to afford it. They talked for a long time and really hit it off. She liked him and his vision. After he finished sharing his vision, she said, “I will give you the number of a lady who is interested in purchasing this property. She wants to make it into a huge farm, but your idea sounds pretty neat. Tell her your vision and see what she thinks.” He called her and she loved the idea. She happened to know the owner of the property, and she gave him the owner’s number. To cut a long story short, he was given permission to create an amazing eco-community on the property that he saw in his vision. Work has started on the eco-community. It is really coming together. See this link.

I was excited and inspired by Eric’s story. There is more to his story that will come out in an interview to be posted on my site. Eric will also be sharing the story on several radio shows.

But that was not the main reason Eric contacted me.

We had previously talked about making a starseed cartoon, and through friends of friends in L.A., we connected with the head of a cartoon TV station. We all liked Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon for the spirituality, humor, and characters. We thought the current popularity of these shows meant the time was ripe for a starseed cartoon.

Eric said he had been speaking to a mystical friend about the project when she suddenly blurted out that a girl named Jessica Mystic would be involved in the project. She asked him if the name rang a bell with him. This psychic did not know me at all. My name just came to her, and she did not know that Eric and I knew each other.

It made perfect sense! He recalled me talking about wanting to do a starseed animation one day and knew that I would be perfect to help create the story and do the voice-over for a character. Of course I said yes, and they arranged a group Skype chat about the project.

On the chat, I recognized a familiar face, Mike Perlin from my previous 11:11 L.A. adventure! It was about a few months back that we crossed paths, and he recently came into my thoughts, if only for a moment. I should know by now that when this happens, it is a prelude to the person re-entering my life again.

In reuniting with Mike via Skype and Facebook, he informed me that not long after we met, he got inspired to make a film that he did on a shoestring budget. When things are meant to be, they just work regardless of whether or not you have the money. For more information about his film, go to:

I was happy to watch the movie and see that he had invited some guest speakers whom I admired from the Legend of Atlantis films that I showed Mike the last time we met in L.A. I was so intrigued to see his accomplishments and how things were fitting into the current project we were discussing.

You cannot help but be in awe of how the threads in a tapestry we call life connect to make a lovely pattern in a grand design and how we cannot see this until some time goes by or we step back and look a bit from heaven’s eyes.

After watching Mike’s film, I wanted to help him promote the film by whatever means I could. It occurred to me that Lilou would be a good vehicle for him to get the word out about his film. I contacted her and asked her to watch the trailer. She did and agreed to interview him. He was most grateful and I was glad to help.

He later informed me about his own incredible manifestation where he, too, was just scraping by to make this film. He did it all on his own, pushing forward and doing whatever he could to get the film finished. He never gave up or let go of his dream. In the process, he created an amazing manifestation. He ran into a friend he had not seen in six years. This friend was now working for Warner Brothers. Mike told him about his documentary, and he was able to help him. Amazing how synchronicities work, isn’t it?

Funny how long it has been that I wanted to share this 11:11 story in my blogs, but it kept being left out it. There was just not time for it. Then I was thinking about putting it in this blog before Eric and Mike got back in contact with me.

I have been working on this blog for many months now. I was getting annoyed that it kept getting put off. Sometimes I am unsure if it is writer’s block or the universe wanting the timing to be right for the publication. Now I am pretty sure it is the later. In fact, it’s rather apparent now.

It is just like chapters we read in books. Some are much longer and dragged out than others. Such is life. This particular chapter in my life has dragged on much longer than I would have liked.

I have eagerly waited for the inner knowing that this chapter is done, that I can end it now and start a new one. I cannot wait to be done with this chapter in my life just so I can start a new one! But as I always say, the delays occur because I do not write these blogs, they write me.


Chapter 21 – Forrest

Perhaps it is also the case with my brother Forrest. He knows I have a website where I share and keep updates on myself and the family via my blog. Maybe he is reading this and it is sustaining him. He can get his family-fix this way. It can be a way for us to be connected and communicate without saying a word.

This is my message to Forrest.

I feel in my heart that you are alive and well and doing much better, that you are now seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel. Maybe now you see how much you are protected and loved. You cannot run from yourself and your work. Angels have met you and taken you under their wing because they recognize you and knew you would arrive when you did.

All of those things that consumed you, which you thought you were, are now clearly not true. All of those nasty rumors online, too, even those tattoos that you thought were your identity, your story, your way of getting people’s attention, is not you.

For a while it seemed like what Dad said about the family and our work was not true. This scrambled the family. We did not know where to go. I still see our family as a unit. We all somehow are to work together, to teach, to learn, and to love people. We all must go through journeys that make us into the people we need to be in order to do what we came here to do.

You did not come here to get lost in the glitz and glamour of material illusions. I think we all came here to experience many things we think we want so we can see clearly they are not what we truly want on a deeper level, for they do not sustain the soul.

I feel I am ready now, and you are as well, to peruse only that which is sustains the soul. I am ready to work with you if you wish. I trust that I will meet you again soon.

Aside from the dream realm, as good as the dream is, real life is still somehow better. Now why is that, dear brother? You are very much loved and missed, and the past is just water under the bridge.

Do not forget what Dad said when you hit rock bottom. You will come around and join me in my work, and then Steve will follow and then Lee. Is it up to us to make it true or will it just happen because it is written?

I am on standby now. Feel free to respond how you like.


Chapter 22 – 11:11:11

I have been in Toronto for almost two years, and for most of the time it was very difficult for me. In some ways, I had totally withdrawn and felt very isolated, alone, lost, and purposeless. I felt so low I just did not want to talk to anyone. I ignored my website so much that if you went to it, you might have seen tumbleweeds drift by.

You can still see little bits of information about me on my twitter on the left side of my website. You can see I am pretty twitterpated with twitterering all my tweethearts. Feel free to follow me on twitter as it’s the best way to stay posted with my latest, updates, and insights. It’s also a great way to stay in touch and for me to answer your questions.

But it is evident that I did not feel that spark for life and my work for some time. I knew I had to get back to it.

Try as I might to snap out of it, I just could not get myself back on track. Something was stopping me. Something was in the way. Though I could clearly feel something was not right, it was making me very depressed and I could not figure it out. Maybe I knew on some level but ignored it because of all of the changes that I would have to undergo. I perceived it as very inconvenient.

There was nowhere to hide from this yucky, numb feeling. It followed me everywhere like a cloud. I could look at videos I had done in the past and read letters of gratitude from people touched by my work, but for some reason I could not relate to the girl I used to be.

If I shared how I was feeling with others such as soul family, it seemed to be no big deal to them. They all seemed to have so much faith in me–more than I had in myself at the time. They all felt I would get through this and be even better than before. Hmm, what do all of these people all over the world know about me that I do not? And how exactly would I get through this? How long would I have to be in this state? Am I trying to get some kind of Ph.D. in helping others by experiencing this funk and learning to help myself?

Eventually I decided to do something about it and ask for help from the universe like I did in the past. I guess I wanted to sit with these feelings and try to figure things out on my own first. It’s OK to do that for a time, but lingering in that state can cause amnesia, which I have found is not easily overcome. The good thing is that once the problem is acknowledged, you can start asking for help inside your heart of hearts and the help comes.

At this time, many likeminded people were drawn to me who were feeling just as lonely. With these new friendships came many synchronicities.

First there was Sharmini Gana. She is Sri Lankan and is a wonderful friend. I named a starseed cartoon character after her. I am the heart chakra in the cartoon, and she comes from the continent of Africa and represents Harmony through Chaos.

Anyway, she was instrumental in getting some young lightworker whippersnappers with a tremendous amount of heart but no film experience to make a documentary called The Collective Evolution II: The Human Experience.

I love this documentary. It is much better than better than Thrive and some others I have seen. I am a tough critic when it comes to documentaries. I demand lots of light, creativity, and valid, deep, meaningful real solutions.

Sharmini invited me to the premier in Toronto. I liked the film so much that I told Lilou Mace about them. I look forward to Lilou’s interview with The Collective Evolution II team and the other filmmakers on the project. Ah, it feels great to be able to help make connections!

Sharmini is one of the key people helping me get to the root of what I need to do and do it. I appreciate her friendship. She is by far the most positive person I have ever met.

Then there is Izzi Ciesinska. She is Polish and very enthralled with the concept of soul mates/twin flames. She is also an incredible children’s book illustrator. There is so much love and life put into her work that it’s easy to get lost in the worlds and concepts she develops.

See: and

She has illustrated over twenty award-winning and/or nominated books. Her earliest influences were the illustrated fairytales of Hans Christian Andersen and the Grimm Brothers. But moving from Poland to Canada in her formative years opened her eyes to the animated worlds of Walt Disney and Don Bluth. And although Izzi’s love of animation has evolved into filmmaking, traditional 2-D animation still remains the main source of inspiration for her illustrated work.

Izzi believes that art is a reflection of the soul, that the stories we tell not only shape our lives and who we are, but ultimately allow us to uncover our true, authentic nature.

She has come a long way in the short time I have known her. I have seen incredible opportunities open up for her. I am happy to be able to be a part of her journey, to be able to encourage her, and to help her see her own greatness.

She is another great manifestation story, a great example of how life is when you surrender to your dreams and commit to your passions 100 percent. She is so committed that she wants to talk about her dreams and thus attract people who feel the same and have their own deep dreams about core truths.

Her universal stories are about the purity of true love in eternal child form, soul mate babies building words for each other and being the wings to each other’s being. Oh, I can listen to her talk about the adventures of her and Twinkle Twins forever. I can see them so clearly in animated form. I can feel them. They always visit her in her dreams and talk to her throughout the day like guides. They witness and watch life with her. She takes notes of their reactions to certain things. They even quarrel. She learns so much from them and so have I.

The Twinkle Twins is a series of stories about two little babies who are in fact soul mates. They are two halves of the same soul created in the stars and sent down to Earth to share many fun, exciting adventures together. Some adventures are on Earth; some are beyond; and others are of pure magic. Yet every story, amidst its fun, reveals themes of friendship, discovery, joy, creativity, and love.

Love is the subtle but central theme underlying the entire series. The Twinkle Twins were first created as a gift of love for someone that evolved from two simple illustrations into a collection of stories. Since it felt natural to allow the initial inspiration to continue throughout every adventure, the Twinkle Twins probably express what they were intended to express in the first place.

The first manuscript, a 200-word rhyme entitled I Like, is the introduction to the love that one of the Twins feels for the other. The second manuscript entitled How We Came to Be tells the story in rhyme of how the twins were first created.

Izzi loves to share with me her soul mate theories and any films she can find about soul mates. To her, nothing is more important. The topic is appealing to me but is not my main focus. I am not sure why, but it does not consume me like it consumes Izzi.

I once asked her to consider that since she is called to help people understand and connect with their soul mates, what if everyone who comes across her work is able to find their soul mate simply from being exposed to the concepts and thus drawing the intent to manifest meeting their soul mate? And what if she became really big and this happened globally?

She loved the idea and started manifesting the concept immediately, or perhaps she already subconsciously manifested it, for that is the purpose of the Twinkle Twins.

Her fascination with the topic occurred after she saw someone’s soul. That experience altered her forever, awakening her to the love and beauty we in fact are, and how life is meant to be. Another neat parallel with Izzi happened when I met her mom. Her mom looks and acts just like my mom! They have similar birthdays and are both gardeners. What can I say? It is just one of the many ways to know someone is soul family.

We all have such fascinating and unique stories about how we came to be awakened. There are as many stories on this as there are flowers. Since meeting Izzi, I have witnessed her obtain an awakened agent and a scriptwriting project about soul mates. The writing project came from a producer who was stuck making horror movies but secretly harbored a cosmic love story that he hoped would one day be told. I look forward to seeing this project completed.

I have seen so many lovely synchronicities happen in Izzi’s life. It has been inspiring to witness and learn about her world and how she interprets soul mates. I look forward to working with her one day on some of her projects.

When 11:11:11 rolled around, I sat at home fidgeting and said to myself, “Well, it’s 11:11:11. You really should do something for this day rather than being a hermit-homebody-sleepy creature. I mean, when are you going to get another 11:11:11?” There was no way I was going to win this negotiation with myself.

When Sharmini invited me to attend a meditation by Franco DeNicola from the Collective Evolution documentary, I accepted. It was at a place called Alternative Thinking, a spiritual book store/like-mind gathering place. They host mini-workshops/conferences and an awakened movie night.

The meditation was good. It was one of those meditations where I had a hard time staying conscious. It invoked my spirit to journey, and I found myself having a hard time staying in my chair or keeping my neck up. I do this a lot in deep meditation. I know it is not sleeping. Maybe I’m in a theta state?

After the meditation, I looked behind me to see who else joined the group, and some woman was waving at me, trying to get my attention. I looked around, thinking she was waving at someone else, but nope it was me. I got up and found, oh crap, I was recognized; a young girl about my age was doing a documentary of her own and wanted to interview me about my thoughts on the meditation.

Now I had just come out of a deep meditation state, and my hair was messy, my face was puffy, I was dressed like a hobo, and now there’s a camera in my face waiting for Jessica Mystic. Oh crap, they were waiting for me to say something profound. I hope what I said was meaningful to them, but it did not matter because through the encounter, I ended up befriending the young woman behind the camera.


Chapter 23 – Baby Elephant Syndrome

Later that evening, we returned to Alternative Thinking bookshop to watch the documentary Thrive. I was not a fan because there was too much on the problem and not enough on the solutions; nor were they true solutions to the root of the problem, just the symptoms. It is a good tool to help awaken newbies, but people who have been aware for a while hunger for so much more.

As I was getting up to go, I was recognized again and my hair was still a mess. I should know better that if I enter a spiritual shop, I risk being recognized. I know I must be ready and mindful of this, but I never am. It always seems to catch me off guard.

This time it was two sisters named Renal and Shan. I did enjoyed listening to what they were sharing, but in all honesty, at that time I was feeling so crummy inside. When we got to talking about mystic work and readings, I said, “Oh, you do readings? I would really like one. Perhaps you can help me. How much do you charge?”

“Oh no, for you it’s free. You have helped me and so many that I could never charge you,” was the reply.

“Um, OK, wow! Thank-you, that’s great,” I said.

I felt like the universe was trying to pull me back and remember the work that I did and the impact on others by saying, “Yes, it’s still there and not going away. It’s only going to grow. You are not done yet. There is still much more to do even if you cannot see or feel it right now. We will not stop sending people who will recognize you and share what you mean to them whether you can relate to it any more or not. Enjoy your down and disconnected time in downtown while you can. We see you have gotten lost there, and we are sending our bus to come and collect you back uptown so you can shine and be confident again.”

It is not that I could not still talk to my guides. I just did not give much merit to what they were saying. I was frustrated because I knew what they wanted me to do it and I was no longer feeling up to it. Thus, I was trapped. Losing myself somehow seemed better than having to do what they wanted. I was not ready but trying to get myself ready.

Snapping back to the present moment, I learned that Renal is a clairaudient and clairvoyant. I talked to her all day with her guides. She spoke to me in a way that helped to get through to me. It was very much like another friend, Kelly, whom I only know through Facebook and the etheric.

Kelly made a crack in my block by telling me about the baby elephant syndrome. She explained how elephants are captured as babies and chained with one leg to a small tree. The elephant tries many times to break free but cannot because it is still a baby. When the elephant grows up, you see it chained to a tiny little tree, and it does not try to break free because the past attempts failed and it simply had given up. But we all know that the elephant is no longer a baby and can snap the tree little twig, no problem.

She said, “You are the baby elephant.”

I gained a bit of hope as I thought one day I would grow to be a big fat elephant, and I would pull that little tree of problems right out of its roots and never look back.


Chapter 24 – More Synchronicities

Then there is JoJo, whom I met at the funeral of a shaolin monk. The friend who died was a lightworker. Goose and I met him only a few times, so we did not know him well. He was from South Africa. It was clear he was a starseed. He was a unique being with a big heart.

The funeral was held in what from the outside seemed like a small, tight-cramped space of an apartment, but inside it was a really big place. The place was decorated with all kinds of artifacts collected from all over the world. It really felt like I was in the home of Indiana Jones or something. The man who owned the place and hosted the funeral was tall and looked to be in his late fifties. He had long, white curly hair that looked like the wigs that were worn in the 1700s by nobility. He wore a fancy-looking eye patch too. If I did not know better, I would think he was dressed up for Halloween, but this was how he always dressed. He was also a shaolin monk.

The mourners were just as distinctive and seemed to know little of the man they were to mourn. One man was an albino. He was all white with pink/blue eyes. There was a red-haired boy about thirteen years of age who wore sunglasses and never took them off. There was a wizard wearing purple, and a woman with long, purplish-red hair.

The funeral was unique. Poems were read in remembrance of his attributes and gifts. Every guest was permitted to share their experiences and thoughts with him as we gathered in a circle holding hands. The guests were free to mingle and indulge in the vegan snacks.

I mingled with a few people who were talking about 2012 and conspiracy. I decided to add my two cents and just let it all pour out of me. I talked for about fifteen minutes, and when I was done, they looked at me like, “Who is this and where did this come from?” None of them could say anything, but their eyes said everything. There was gratitude and recognition of souls, and that’s how I met Jojo.

Lo and behold, she is also Polish, a film maker/producer (just like the other young women I met earlier) and also into soul mates. She met hers and, wait until I tell you the story…. OK, synchronicity is talking to me. What’s up with Polish woman, film makers, and soul mates? Why does that keep coming up in my life?

Jojo and I instantly had a connection. I felt like she was someone with whom I wanted to hang out and talk. I made plans to meet with her again. I thought it would be one-on-one, but in her email she mentioned a young man being there who might be playing video games. Oh, I assumed it was most likely her son.

As I continued to read her email, she enclosed some pieces of a book she was writing. I felt compelled to read it and was struck with the parallels in our lives. I could relate to so much; it felt like what I was going through was her past. “Surely she would know how to help me,” I thought as I continued to read, enjoying the honesty and innocence in her writing.

The book went from standard to something completely unexpected. It was no ordinary book. It was a true story of her life journey. She is a lightworker, which means that the paranormal would soon blur and merge into her reality. It is always interesting to see how the author conveys an understanding of the paranormal and how it helps illuminate our way and being.

Here is the link to the book in case you want to read it yourself. It is on a website for new authors to post their work. The books that get read the most, perhaps the top twenty, get published. I recall Jojo said her book was in the top twenty.

In the passage, when she felt lost and helpless, searching for solutions in her life, her friend shared a special meditation with her. But Jojo’s experience would not be a typical experience like most find. Instead, some vortex or portal was opened up in her being and she found herself in this temple of the past. Yet in some ways, it was the future or a state of timelessness as the beings in the temple were expecting her. They talked to her about her life up to this point, her mission, and how they would make their presence more known after this encounter. But first they had some teachings she must undergo. They gave her instructions about her life and what she must do next.

She was to find a place to live alone for a portion of time with no distractions, no job or anything. When she asked how she could be alone or have enough money to afford to live somewhere on her own, the beings in the temple responded that they know right now it is hard to see such things occur, but they will. They said they would help manifest this for her. She would see.

Sure enough, her life happened just the way they told her it would. She had her freedom, her time alone, and all the money she would need for a portion of the six months she spent in this temple school. Sometimes she would meet beings in the temple that would later show themselves in her world as random strangers passing her on the streets as if to say, “Yep, this is real. Yep, we are here in your reality watching out for you and helping you feel confident with your work.”

Reading this made me excited about visiting JoJo. I could not wait to pick her brain. She was fifty-years-old and was constantly in and out this dimension, traveling back and forth it seemed. Of course I could recognize this as like always recognizes like. To others, it seems as if we are dreaming or spaced out going far, far away inside ourselves, so much inside that we are not always conscious of the things we are doing in the present moment.

I went to her place. The young man whom I initially assumed was her son was there. He was watching what she was doing, carefully trying to make sure there was no mess. For example, she could be cracking eggs over the stove and crack about three eggs before she realized there was no pan to catch the eggs. In her head, she had already gotten the pan, or she thought the young man was so in tune with her that he would catch these little things for her and bring it her attention in a loving, gentle, patient way.

This is why people like us do not drive too often. We space out behind the wheel. I recall doing this and coming to, staring at the speedometer. I was freaking out, wondering how long was I staring at this thing when I should have been paying attention to the road. It is just not safe for me or for others if I drive and I go far away at any given moment.

Jojo then sat down after cleaning up the mess and started cuddling the young man. I learned that this was her soul mate. She was fifty and he was twenty-years-old. Then she started to tell me about a back story that she had only slightly alluded to in her book. She looked at me with those deep eyes and said, “When I was twenty, I met my soul mate.”

“Uh, how can that be?” I asked.

“My soul mate at the time was fifty-years-old, and we had such a special connection that the age thing never bothered me. But it bothered him. He was a perfectly respectful gentleman, and he kept saying, ‘I wish I could have met you when I was in my twenties.’ Shortly after, he passed away, but not before saying, ‘We will meet again. I will find you.’”

Years passed and life went on. Then one day, her best friend called her to tell her that she was now a mother and wanted her to come by and meet her new baby.

Jojo said, ”I recalled the first time I looked into that baby boy’s eyes, I saw him immediately. I just could not handle it. I said, ‘Oh, no way. I am not getting into this. This is too much for me to even conceive.’” And she made some excuse as to why she had to leave suddenly and then hurried out.

Nineteen years later, something happened. She had to move in with her friend. It was at this time that she got to know this young man better. They were only friends and connected really well. He was aware of his past life and he felt close to her, like he could tell her anything.

When it was time for Jojo to go on her way, the boy turned twenty and decided to go with her. It was like he was now permitted to have romantic feelings for her, which they both embraced.

Hanging out with him, I see they have so much love for each other. Perhaps he is the more mature of the two? In many ways, he is still in tune with his fifty-year-old past life self. Their connection was undeniable. It was inspiring to witness soul mates right before my eyes. We talked about my issues. I found their insight and perspective on the matter helpful and motivating.


Chapter 25 – The Elephant in the Blog

Looking back on the last few months leading up to my cutting loose, I had been very blue.

It has been like this for some time, about two years now. I know most of you feel it. It’s been rough. I miss my family. I miss B.C., but my guides will not let me return just yet. They say something important is here that I must not miss. It’s some kind of project opportunity or person, I do not know. I sure hope I figure out this mystery soon. I hunger to do something in which I am immersed 100 percent.

I have been trying to understand why I have been so down. I mean, we all must leave the nest sooner or later. Do we not get over it? This blue bird of unhappiness that dwells in my heart is so heavy and shows so clearly in my eyes that I have shied away from videos. Once again, since it was so apparent in the GK interview and my energy was low, the message got misinterpreted.

I only want to give you myself when I am fully passionate and at my best in my light. Anything else does not feel right to me, but then how long can you guys wait?

Time goes on and we do not talk. We drift away from each other, or at least that is how it feels to me. I know it is not true. It is just how it seems right now. Though we may not be talking as often as we like, rest assured our hearts and souls are conversing in the folds of time and space.

I do not really feel understood out here in this environment in Toronto. I am pretty sure I alluded to this in my previous blog.

I am loved but not in the way I need to be, and that’s very hard for me. My soul cannot be unknown when it comes to a loving partnership. It’s important to be melodic in each other’s eyes.

For a long time I knew I needed to get out of this funk, but I did not know how. I felt so trapped. Such an experience is foreign to me. I used to be so free.

Apparently, I will be learning many lessons from this experience that will be of great value to my work. But at the time it was not clear to see. It is always like that for people. It seems when we are going through rough seas, it is not so easy to see the gift of it all.

It is challenging because I am thinking, “How did it all get to this in the first place?”

I was feeling betrayed by life and even by my guides. I think God puts great obstacles in our way to ask us how much we want something and how honest are we going to be with ourselves, but rather than facing the obstacles or the message, we get upset and say, “Oh God, why have you forsaken me?”

But as time rolled on, the inertia could not be ignored. In truth, it was becoming too unbearable to let another day go by with the problem in plain sight. I was doing my best to move on with life, trying to be happy but not wanting to address the root problem.

I felt so helpless in losing my brother. It almost was the last straw to break the family. There are many layers here. I should have known better. I mean, I wrote many poems about it. One that comes to mind right now is The Process.

I witnessed as my whole body worked hard to get me to face what was so pressing. I looked so unhealthy. It was incredible. Was I not teaching and being an example in health with raw food, the best nutrients, supplements, enzymes, minerals, and even the best exercise? And yet for all of that I looked like a ghost. I had no energy. I just wanted to sleep and could not stop crying.

Odd that no matter how much I slept and cried, I still was tired and I still had more tears. I thought surely I would run out of tears at this rate.

What I learned is that it does not matter what we do with our health in food and exercise as the heart is most important of all. We must follow our heart. If we are not living our passion, we cannot be healthy. For the love of God, we must not ignore our heart! It was definitely hell living in this state. I felt more than ever that I needed to get away somewhere, but where?

I looked into Vipassana meditation for nine days of silent retreat. I talked to Goose about this. He tried to do what he could to help me. He did not understand that to me he was a part of the problem.

We were spending way too much time together and his energy is so different. My light was starting to shy away and dim. Now I want to clarify something here. It was not that he is bad guy or treated me badly or anything like that. It is just that we are two very different people who have very little in common. But we did have love in common. We are both total opposites on the extreme levels. I found I could not share with him things that meant a lot to me because when I did, he would not understand or hear it. It is not like he was being mean. It is just not his thing to be able to connect and relate in this metaphorical heart way as I do, for he is very much human in the mind.

So I tried a different approach. I tried hard to be like him, to be earthy, to be more in the mind, to ground as much as he does. Maybe it was too much of an over-correction to go from always being in the spirit. I experienced so much grounding that I lost connection with my spirit, or maybe I just did not have faith in it like before.

There was little to no play or joy like that of children. I was grown up and serious. I tried to be business minded, to be a good partner, to meet his expectations on how to keep a house for example, or be how a grown woman ought to be. I shelved my happiness and focused only on his happiness and what he needed and wanted. There was still no connection with his family and friends, even when talking to them about how I was feeling and what I should do.

His friends always encouraged me to stick it out. They said it would get better. It is just me getting used to things, like love growing pains. “He loves you so much,” they all said.

I wondered if by getting used to things they meant I would eventually become totally numb and that the part of me that is fighting the conditioning programing over our spirit would eventually give up and die. This was a great fear of mine. Though I tried to behave, my spirit fought every chance it got for its freedom and life. This caused great discord in our relationship and with his friends and family.

To top it off, my brother Steve was not speaking to me. He was very upset with how I handled my brother’s affairs and possessions. He really wanted to have Forrest’s fancy designer clothes. I gave him some, but not all. Goose and I decided to sell some too. Such clothes were way too fancy. I have seen Steve beat up too many times for less. Plus dealing with Forrest’s affairs was costly and stressful.

With respect to my relationship, it became increasingly difficult to make someone happy who was extremely detail-oriented. It felt like nothing I did was good enough or right, which is devastating for a person like me who loves to help and please. He had lots of patience with me, but I had so much anxiety with every little task I would some how mess it up. As I sit back, forcing myself to go back to these times to be able to write this as best I can, I can see why I simply did not want to write this blog and procrastinated. What’s the root of it all? I know, but I did not want to know.

It was fear, fear, fear, fear.

Goose was still lost in the depths of his unresolved affairs with his dad. All the emotions that came with this were the reasons his energy was so dense at the time. Even when he did not voice his hurt to me, I could feel the thoughts weigh down on me and make my light dim even more. I am so sensitive, a little too much. This is not acceptable. Love should not do this to us. It should bring us life and joy. It should open us up to want to do more, not to do less and close down.

And then there was my fear. I got into this relationship first and foremost because I felt I had to. I did not feel I had a choice. That might have been true in the beginning as there was something I had to learn from him, and I did fall in love with him all over again. But I moved back out here for the wrong reasons. I came out because I lost faith and confidence in myself and my guides. I was afraid to live in B.C. I was afraid to still be with my mom and brother, going through the same problems over and over again of losing our place and scrambling to find another. I was afraid to return to B.C. with my tail between my legs, feeling like a failure. I was frustrated that I let my family down and my dear family in Spain, Ana and Jorge, with whom I lost touch.

I was afraid of not having the courage to end it with Goose, or ending it and then going back again, or loving too much that I had lost all reason. How many times have I broken up with him and then gone back when I know how challenging it is for me to be happy with him? What is up with that? I was also afraid of letting you guys down. I was afraid of not being a good public example of a relationship. Now I was an example of what not to do. I can honestly say, “Please never let fear be your motivation to do anything.” It only begets more fear.

However, I just cannot believe in mistakes. How can we when it’s all so perfect? Even the motivation of fear is good in the beginning to help awaken us, but staying in that state can be a pothole that becomes increasingly more difficult to get out of, like a conspiracy.

One thing that has been really hard about what I went through in this relationship can be explained in a quote from Jewel:

It is not that I fell in the darkness. I just tripped in the light because, oh man, it is hard to see that clearly and not put up a fight.

I knew I would break and not bend, just look at this trouble I’m in.

I need to realize that this is the unhappy half dies.

What this line means is that I knew from the very beginning what was going to happen and how I would feel. I fought it the best I could but to no avail. It was just something I had to go through. Speaking of Jewel, she has her life together and has a child, and I am nowhere near there in my life.

Everyone seems to think I will get out of this and be much stronger and wiser because of it. Perhaps it is what I needed to experience, my alchemy and all of my fears in order to finally be free from it. We might as well explain 2011 like “cleaning out our closets” because that’s how it was for me. I’m not sure how it was for the rest of you. So far, most people I have talked to say 2011 had been a doozy for them too.

I got to the point out where I forgot how to have fun. If I did have fun, I would feel good for a while and then go into anxiety, fear, or stress that I would do something wrong again, for that is what always seemed to happen. It seemed like everything I did was always misunderstood or just went wrong. We could not even enjoy movies, holidays, or nights out together. I always felt so left out and forgotten, like some sidekick golden retriever. When I told Goose this, he had no idea, and I was so befuddled how he could not see this.

I would not speak when I went out, and eventually I just lost my voice and thus my power. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. When I was out with him in public, it felt like the Weekend at Bernie’s movie: this dead relationship that we were trying desperately to make others think was fine and everything was OK. I knew I needed to get away to have time to think about this situation, how to get out and build up the courage to end it with Goose.

When I finally did, another fear welled up like the aftershocks of the ending of a relationship: the self-destructive aspect or worse, being so bitter and angry that the ex-partner seeks to make the rest of the other’s whole life miserable.

Oh gosh, I have seen it so much when marriages end. The woman or man takes everything, and a nasty custody battle ensues with crazy lawsuits. I was determined to not let any nastiness happen. I feel we must take it on ourselves not to repeat the mistakes from other generations and to learn from them the best we can. Parting had to be done in a loving way, but also like removing a Band-Aid: just rip it off get it over with.

Oh yes, that reminds me of another fear, hurting Goose, but breaking up was inevitable and for the better in the long run. I know he will see this one day.

Then there is another concern I had. Beyond anger and bitterness is sadness which could draw us both back to old patterns for the wrong reasons.

I was also worried about becoming so jaded and hurt that I would become like a cactus, not wanting to let myself love again because it’s stupid or a waste or whatever story we tell ourselves to protect our hearts from being hurt again. I have seen this happen to so many people. I knew where all the potholes were looming, so I had to dodge and steer my car around them somehow.

It turned out the Vipassana meditation was all booked up months in advance and I could not get a spot. That deflated me because I was feeling so suffocated. After learning this, Goose told me he was talking to Charles Holmes of Conscious Planet. Charles said, “What are you guys doing in B.C.? I need you, Gus. We can do so much together. I am sure Jess is missing her family too. Why not move back out here with me? I will even pay for your tickets.”

In hearing this, at first I was excited. Then I checked my innards and it said, “Nope, not yet, Jess. It is not time to go back yet.” So I said, “Goose, why don’t you go on and leave me here to do yoga and give me some months on my own?” This way Goose would be with Charles, who would help him get his mind off me and keep him productive, happy, and hopeful on his own projects and dreams.

It seemed perfect. Goose would be flown out and I would be on my own. But the universe had other plans. It turned out I was at my breaking point. Every moment we spent together was difficult and complex. He kept trying to rekindle things with me by laying on the charm while I was trying desperately to push him away. But damn, I needed to be held and comforted too.

It’s very challenging to get comfort from the very thing that is stressing you out. I wanted him to make it easy for me, to let go and detach so I could defibrillate Jessica’s heart. Every moment I said to my soul, “Please create a solution, a resolution for me.”

Here are the lyrics to a Jewel song, Walk Away, that perfectly describe what was happening and what I was feeling at the time:


Chapter 26 – Rescued by Angels

So there I was exploring options and not sure what I could do. How would I move out with little money and three cats?

At first one of my friends said I could live with them at their new place, but when they moved in, it turned out they had no room for me and one of their family members was allergic to cats. The other option was to move into a basement apartment of a small home daycare in exchange for working 9-5 watching the kids. In some ways working with kids would be very good and healing, but I could not bring my cats and would not have much freedom. As much as my friends wanted me to take this opportunity, it just did not feel right. I was getting annoyed with myself, wondering why I could not just be OK with taking this option.

Not just that, when I think about myself in the past, it was more upsetting as the old Jessica was pretty good at manifesting. If I could just tap into her again I would not have to compromise at all. I could have my cats and a nice big home where I would have my freedom and do my yoga, and I could probably get it all for free too. OK what did I do before to make things happen? I would just let go of everything, trust, surrender, and flip the psychic hitch-hiking sign with one thumb up and out for any of my angels passing by on the etheric highway.

After living with Goose for a couple years, it made me savvy to how he thinks and plans. This was brought to my attention again one evening when I was having dinner with an old friend from my earlier blogs whom I refer to as to “Al.” He knows me well.

Al is the friend who met up with me in B.C. and got front row center seats to a Jewel concert. Al is also the one who took me and my family to the Kootenays to stay with a wizard in a geometric dome with a crystal waterfall in the backyard. He was with me when I first made an attempt as a raw foodist and made a salad in the wild from which I was poisoned and then developed a fear of salads. He is also the same Al with whom I journeyed to Sedona and Hopi Land. It was my third excursion to Sedona. You may remember, the first trip was with Project Camelot; the second with Pamela Icke, David Icke’s ex-wife.

Isn’t life funny that I happen to move to a place that is only fifteen minutes from where Al works and an hour from where he lives? He knew about my situation and wanted to help, but every time the idea of staying at his place for a week was discussed, Goose would say, “No, we can work it out. Just give it more time. Besides, I will be gone soon, and I want to enjoy you for as long as I can.”

Al has always been like a father figure to me. He has always been there for me, encouraging me, uplifting me, building my confidence, and talking to me about my work.

I knew him before the Project Camelot interview. I feel he was big player in helping to prepare me for the interview and my work. He has always helped me unconditionally. He is one of the few men I can depend on without their wanting something in return. We have talked about our connection because I prefer to talk about things like this to keep clear communication, rather than be surprised to later find out the situation was perceived differently by the other person.

Al always says, “No, it is not like that, Jess. It is something way more than that. I do not know what, but it is so fulfilling that it does not require a romantic or intimate relationship with you.” I am so glad he said that because that is what I feel for most people, but they often confuse attention or friendship for romantic intimate love.

Al is one of the few to ever truly get it. To not force or be at the mercy of his desires, he is in such a state of peace and love all the time. He spends his time uplifting and inspiring others. He does not look for relationships. He just trusts. When I asked him what made him into this lovely person that he is, he said it was me who taught him to be this way.

He replied, “Remember when I first met you, and you took me to the movie set with you. You went around to each person, giving them your time, listening to them, and uplifting and inspiring them so much that they were moved to tears on the kindness and love of a stranger. So I started to do the same thing on set with you. We were like a tag team of kindness. It was great. We would walk into a room and say, ’OK, I will take this half of the room and you take that half. OK, got your inspiring quotes, your gratitude rocks?’”

It brought me to tears to remember it as if it were a thousand years ago or an old faded movie of once-upon-a-time. I used to be like this and it’s time to come back to it. He helped me to have the courage to initially share my truth with the world. Now here he is, helping me get back on track again. He truly is an angel.

Then Al said, “Jess, it seems to me with what you have been sharing me about Goose, I think he may not leave when he says and then what? Can you handle the delays? Do you want to keep on waiting even it’s another six months or something? How about if you come and live with me?”

“But Al,” I said, “I have my cats, which are like our children, and we still have not discussed custody of them yet.” I was originally going to leave them with Goose, as hard as that would be, because I knew Goose would need something that could give him some comfort and unconditional love.

“And what about yoga and my goal to get certified as an instructor? What about my Jessages that I started to offer? I am getting clients, and I need to be accessible to them from the city. It’s important for me to work on my own thing and not rely on him in any way,” I said.

Al replied, “But if you stay in hopes that he will go when he says or when Charles is ready to fly him out, the longer you will be in this frustrated state. It seems to me you’re near the breaking point. You cannot take much more of disconnection from yourself. We both know that. You have to get out of there to connect with yourself again. You will have to make some decisions and sacrifices for your own sake. You need 10,000 ccs of light and love stat in order to be free like you want.”

“OK,” I said, “So what do you propose?”

“Come and live at my place,” he said. “It’s a big house that I have all to myself. I have plenty of extra room for you. I have three cats already and tons of stray cats outside that I take care of as well. I have a big back yard too. I have been thinking it would be OK for you to bring your three cats as well. You talked Goose into getting them, so they are your responsibility more than Goose’s and you’re closer to them. Plus, I know how you have very different ideas on how to take care of a pet.”

“But Al, you have so many cats already.”

“It’s OK. I know you do not want to give them away. I know how much they mean to you. I know you were stressed about the idea of looking for a new place to live that would allow three cats.” he said.

I was in such gratitude. For the first time I could actually see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel. And this is one of the main reasons this blog has been delayed for about a year. I was waiting for the solution to motivate me to write and share again. I could see and feel the solution so clearly. Not just that, I refused to release any videos until I finished this blog. It was my attempt to motivate and push myself, which did not work.

When Al dropped me off, I made plans to move my things a little every day. Every time Al headed home from work, he would come by and get some of my bags and boxes. I am sure Goose noticed but was starting to accept that I had to go. There was no changing my mind or going back.

I attended Bikram yoga every day. Sometimes even twice a day back-to-back, which is not for the faint of heart. A friend would drive me to class when Goose could not make it. I was no longer waiting on him to go and do these things together.

I was really baffled at how I had never felt so lonely in all my life as when I was in a relationship. When I was single I never felt lonely. It all seemed so backwards.

Another friend, whom I will call “M,” also came to my rescue. He is about sixty or so and is as dedicated as me to lightwork. I enjoyed our time together and the energy. It was always lovely and nonjudgmental. Gone were all those times I had a dark cloud over me. I recall the first time I met M and my divinity flowed out of me. I could clearly see his guides, and as we walked around in this incredible garden I talked about the things I knew on a cosmic scale. M was very taken aback and impressed. From then on we were friends. I did not try to bring it out. It just happened. I had not been able to do it in a long time.

It is nice to know that part of me is not gone, just hiding or tucked away ready for when its time comes again.

For a long time I did not talk about what was bothering me. Then I finally started to share. I shared everything, even the part about Al, moving an hour away, not seeing Goose anymore, and giving up Bikram yoga and my yearly membership.

There was no Bikram yoga where I was going on the outskirts of Niagara Falls. This saddened me. I really wanted to keep the promise to myself and stay true to the goal of getting my certification, not to mention the structure and discipline it brings. I need some kind of routine in my life, something reliable. I mean, I know how it is for me to make plans. Life always has other plans for me, but I would like at least this one thing.

After listening intently, my friend M said, “I believe I can help. I have a small little apartment with an extra room that you can use to do your Jessages in. Also, I don’t live far from the yoga studio, so how about when you get booked for a Jessage, you can go to yoga afterwards and spend the night in the spare room? Then when you are done with your work, you can hitch a ride back with Al.”

“Yes, that’s it! That’s perfect. Everything is taken care of this way. Oh, this is awesome! Thank-you so much, M. This means everything to me. Well, I really enjoy your presence, so I will take up on a chance to spend time with you. Plus you know I go away often, and I need someone to tend to my plants.” I was then given a key to their place.

M then shared with me about how passionate he is about kids and working in the school system as a substitute teacher. He found various ways to help kids with conflict resolution and give them better communication and listening skills. This helped prevent bullying and also gave kids a chance to express themselves in order to give attention and focus to their school work. Often when this is not addressed, doing school work is the last thing on the kid’s mind.

When M asked the kids in class who had a current problem to address, two boys came up to the class and shared the problem they were having with each other. One boy talked first, and the other boy had to listen until the first boy was done. Then it was the other boy’s turn to share. The whole class got to witness this and give their suggestions on what each of the boys could do. Also, this gave the boys an opportunity to clearly see how it all really was a misunderstanding.

In another class, he had a student who was disruptively ripping up paper in class. M told him if he liked ripping up paper, why not go rip up the paper in the back of the classroom in the scrap box? Then another kid asked if he could rip up paper too. Soon the whole class was asking and they were all ripping up paper.

Another kid said in frustration that he hated math and he hated the stupid textbook. So M suggested that he tell the math book exactly how he feels. The kid did. He even stomped on the book. This is what M called “crazy time” where the kids could have a chance to release all of these pent up thoughts and emotions. When else could they have a chance to release these feelings?

When the kids where done with their crazy time, they all went and sat down to do their work. A few years later when M was sent to teach at that school again, some students recognized him and said, “Hey, it’s the teacher who gave us crazy time!” After all these years, they remembered. It was considered one of the educational highlights in their lives. Though the kids got in trouble for it when their teacher came back, the kids said it was worth it. M is now looking for a way to bring this into the public schools somehow.

Both M and Al have been true angels to me. I am glad they are in my life. I am also glad I was able to manifest what I needed at the time.


Chapter 27- Sweat Lodges & Drum Circles

It was perfect. And promptly after all this was decided, I moved out to Al’s place.

His home has such amazing energy. Every square inch of the place has uplifting quotes and messages. Each room is painted in bright colors; the living room is a nice Sedona-orange color with tons of masks on the wall and painted tribal figures dancing and playing music. The meditation room is very tranquil. The home is old but has so much heart. It’s the perfect place to heal.

It’s been a few weeks now since I moved to Al’s place, and I am doing better in some ways. In other ways, I am feeling a bit lost. In talking to others who have experienced and ended relationships, it is normal to feel lost and try to discover your identity again. I am now just focusing on getting connected back to myself. What do I want to do? What’s most important for me to do? How do I stay in my divinity like I could before? It’s frustrating to have to relearn it all over again. But also it’s better because I get in touch with parts of myself to which I was not able to connect before. It feels as if I can be more myself. I need to figure out inside myself what is Goose and what is me.

I decided to still stay on with Conscious Planet but in the background. It’s a great product that helped the family with Lyme. It also helped another lady who was seventy-years-old and barely coherent, taking seven insulin shots a day. Now she is back 100 percent. She rarely takes any insulin shots now and spends her time winning in the casino. Conscious Planet has helped many others too. But in truth, I am not a business salesperson. It is just not me. As much as I want to sell CP products, I cannot speak about them like Goose does, though I still recommend them to people.

One day, Al introduced me to sweat lodges and drum circles. For those who have not done either, I highly recommend both. There is so much healing to be obtained from this experience.

A sweat lodge is where a blanket fort is made and ancestors in rocks, called grandfathers, get put into the fire. The fire is charged with prayers and blessings. Everyone gathers into the fort. When everyone is in the fort, the ancestors in the stones are put in the middle on the ground. If any of the stones break, they are called grandmothers. Then water is added, and it gets hot and sweaty in the fort as prayers are said and songs sung. There is gratitude to all of nature, which I loved.

Then each one of us is able to share whatever is on our hearts in that moment. The water is added to the stones about three or four times and becomes very hot steam. If it becomes too unbearable, you can put your face close to the ground. After that, we all came out of the fort and ate a vegan potluck and discussed more about what we experienced.

The drum circle was also awesome. It is hard for me to believe I have never attended one before because it felt so natural and right. It was as if I have always been drumming. At first it took a bit to get used to. Suddenly everyone started to drum like mad and I followed suit, feeling like a little kid banging the pots and pan together and imagining we were in a band. It did not last long because my hands soon got sore and tired.

So I decided when we stopped, I would ask Al for the other drum, the one that had a stick. But Al’s eyes were closed. He seemed to be far away, as if he were carried away by the rhythm of the drum. Looking around, that seemed to be the case with everyone.

OK, I decided I was going to try to close my eyes and drum until I got carried away, but I could hear my drumming not syncing with everyone else’s. I am always the one to be off. Why? Because the beat in my head is always faster than what is being played.

So there I was getting annoyed with myself for always being the odd one out, and that’s when it happened. I heard my hands say, “Jessica, shut up! We’re trying to drum.” As soon as my hands told my mind to shut up, something happened and I was carried away by the drum, by the joy. It was incredible. My hands fell into sync with the rhythm of the group.

The people in the group starting making all kinds of native sounds: shouts, hoots, and calls. Some of them sounded like Xena: Warrior Princess. I took my best crack at it, letting out what ever sounds came to me. Since the sounds around me were animal-like, I made my own animal sounds: birds, cats, and even an elephant. I am not sure how long we drummed, hooted, howled, crowed, and danced, but it felt like only a few minutes and also an eternity. When we stopped, my hands said, “No, we do not want to stop.” I could not stop tapping the drum, but I was forced to do it very quietly when the leader of the group was talking.

She started to share about how she had just returned from California from a fire-walking workshop. I asked if it was done by mind-over-matter, like how people walk on a path of broken glass or snap arrows with the sharp part at their throat. The feather end of the arrow is right against the wall and you hurl yourself into the wall and the arrow snaps instead of going into your throat. I did this at a workshop, and it was done by the mind-over-matter method.

The group leader responded by saying, “No, it’s actually done differently. We are taught how to embrace and befriend the fire as it is a part of us and thus a family member. Once this is understood, the fire will not burn you. Contrary to what we think, fire is rather negotiable and understanding.”

In contemplating this, I remember people telling me how they prevented themselves from being burned when scalding water was splashed on them by talking the fire out of the burn. In fact, I have done this often. I always thought of it as having a high tolerance to heat. I like to bathe in extremely hot water, and I have burned myself numerous times with fire, but there are no scars. The group’s leader continued to share how there are people who are able to sit and meditate, even sleep in fire and not get burned. I have seen videos of a young boy doing this on YouTube. He was called the Buddha Boy.

I then thought about how they used to burn people at the stake who were thought to be witches. Imagine if the accused person had been able to tap into this understanding of fire, and try as the authorities might, the “witch” would not burn. I then thought about a biblical story in Daniel, chapter 3, of people being thrown into a hot furnace, and it is said that an angel was in there protecting them so that the three of them did not burn. Could that have been the angel or diva of fire? There have been countless accounts of groups of people being spared in this way.

In my conferences I would talk about people befriending the wind, tornadoes, hurricanes, and the water. Dr. Emoto has proven that water has consciousness. All the elements are negotiable. This is our birthright–how it was meant to be, fluent in their languages and in harmony with the Earth. It’s not a fantasy or something whimsical. It’s not just a possibility; it’s a fact.

The group leader said we were then going to do a drum journey in which she would drum while we all laid down and got comfortable as we prepared a question to ask. There are three places we could go.

She said, “The first world is the underworld where you can meet your totem animals. You enter this world by going to a forest in your mind’s eye, and in there you will find a hole in the ground. You fall into it and you are in the underworld.

“The second place you can go to is middle earth where the nature spirits live. You get to it by same forest and find a door on the ground and go through it.

“The third realm is filled with Masters, angels, and ETs. To get there you must go into the forest and climb a tree and you are there.”

Fifteen minutes later, the meditation journey was done. Everyone shared their question, where they went, who they saw, and how their question was answered. Most people ended up going to middle earth, and everyone’s experience was really cool, like a waking, fully conscious dream full of symbolism and confirmation. What was so interesting about each person’s journey is that there seemed to be an etheric spider web connecting certain people across the room. It seemed to act as a missing piece of the puzzle for someone or just confirmation.

One man shared something about an illness with which he struggled. I thought the illness he was talking about was the same one a friend of mine named Jess was dealing with, but she told me that it is extremely rare and is known as Dystonia. It is a neurological disorder. So how is it that here this man is talking about it and he is a healer to boot? I will get him in touch with my friend. Maybe it will give her some hope, and he might just be able to help her.

She had gotten in touch with me. I called her once about a year ago and she never forgot it. A year later we got back in touch. I decided at the time, though, I was feeling low. I did not want to be totally useless, so I would still try to help the best I could.

She always says it means so much to her just to hear from me. She had not been doing well. Her illness was becoming more fierce and intense. She would have seizures every half hour or more that mostly resulted in her losing consciousness. After serious seizures, it takes up to forty minutes for her to remember who she is and what happened to her.

Despite her suffering and difficulty she has love. She is married to a man who loves her dearly, knowing full well about her illness. He works twelve hours a day just to make sure she is taken care of, so they rarely get to see each other.

One day I Skyped her, and she was taken aback at how after two hours of chatting she did not have a seizure. So I decided to keep talking to her to see how long we could go and prevent her from having another seizure. I was scared to hang up on her, worried that as soon as I did, she would have one. I was so proud at how I was able to help her feel better and give her some hope. How could it be that even though I was going through so much and did not feel up to par with myself, my healing abilities were growing much stronger? But this was not enough because she was not totally healed yet.

I decided to write on my Facebook about her, and so many people came to her aid. One woman in California actually had the same thing as Jess. It turns out that it is super rare, so what are the chances of someone on my network having the same the thing? Not just that, what are the chances of her catching that post of all the posts? Now she has a support group there for her. I am so proud of you guys!

The drum circle experience left me feeling rejuvenated and excited. I wanted to not only do more of it, but be more a part of it, perhaps in some medicine/shaman training. I am pretty sure that is what I have always been, but still it would be nice to refine it and hone my skill. The knowledge and understanding of such things must be preserved in the younger generations. We cannot let this wisdom die out with the older generation.

In the coming times as life pushes us back to nature, we will need to know more about wild plants, what is good for medicine, and what’s edible. Now it’s a matter of finding the right place and teacher, perhaps in South America?


Chapter 28 – My Christmas

My Christmas was a nice and peaceful. I spent it with Al’s family, who welcomed me and made me feel like family right away, which was very refreshing. Al’s father came up to me and started telling me this stream of jokes and then tons of lengthy poetry. How this seventy-year-old man could remember so many long poems I do not know. When we got back from his family’s place, we went to the Dollar Store and spent $20 on cat stuff to spoil the kitty kids on the holidays.

Speaking of kitties, they have adjusted very well to Al’s place. They get along well with his other cats. They love the bigger space to run around in and explore. They have become even more loving and close to me, except Pekoe, who has always been loving and close to me from the get-go. I should have called this cat Romeo or Don Juan De-Pekoe (after Don Juan DeMarco) as he is such a charmer. I also have a very special bond with Sopheeze. I just love her energy.

Around New Year’s Eve, Al took Izzi and me down to a Buddhist temple. For some reason, every time I go into a religious place I tend to get mischievous. We walked around and checked out some Buddhist art. Then we were asked to participate in a meditation/prayer. The prayer was super long and seemed to sound frog-like and was never ending: Doh Mo Fa Da Da Ma Ma Toe Fue Ya Ba Da Ba Do Su Per Cali Fra Gil Is Tic Ex Pi Ali Doh Cious, etc.

I know that Buddhism does not worship the Buddha, but in the book that I was following along with in English, it seemed to be doing just that. The book was also talking about how following the Buddha and his teachings will lead to everlasting joy. I was feeling joy right then, and I wanted to express it, though every time I did the practitioners frowned upon it. I did not want to get my friends kicked out of the temple. They seemed to like the prayer. I kept fidgeting and was baffled by all the paradoxes. I mean, here is all this food given to the Buddha statues when there are homeless and starving people outside the temple. I am sure there is some reason, but it just did not make sense to me. I could not help but wonder—hmm, if I stole a chocolate from Buddha, would I be kicked out of the temple?

To sum it up, though I appreciate Buddhism and its customs, it is not for me. It is too serious and strict. When can the inner child come out and play? How would they know if the Buddha has awakened in someone? Each to their own, I guess.

Shortly after leaving the temple, we met up with one of Al’s friends from the sweat lodge. She was walking her dog. I commented on how nice the dog’s coat was and she said, “Yes, but you wouldn’t know it that a few weeks before, his tail had little hair because he kept licking, biting, and pulling his hair out. The vet said he was allergic to something, so they gave me all different kinds of special foods to try and none of them worked. I then put my dog on a raw food diet. His fur grew back right away and he stopped chewing his hair off. If you think about it, dogs come from wolves, and raw food is very natural for them.”

I watched as she fed her dog a raw egg, and he ate everything, even the shell. She buys him raw chicken. She said there is no fear with giving her dog bones either because raw bones are better and safer than cooked bones. The dog would also eat apples and vegetables with no problem. So such things are possible. I witnessed it.


Chapter 29 – My New Years

New Year’s itself was very quiet and peaceful. I had Izzi over. We did not party. We did not drink. We did not watch television or listen to music. We did not do any countdown or anything. We just spoke about what we were grateful for and our hopes and our dreams. We reflected on 2011 and all we learned. Then we turned our focus to 2012.

So here we are in 2012 right now. I can feel the anticipation, fear, and hope. I think many people are getting sick of always being put into fear. I remember last year how it seemed like every month there was something: Comet Elenin, Planet X, the pending ET invasion, Earth changes, and the financial system collapsing. I think that right now more than ever, it is wise to master our fears or we will be giving our power to it and asking for it to happen with the visuals. This is why I decided to dispel all this fear once and for all.

I know so many are anxious about this shift. If you are like me, you just want it to happen. There has been way too much anticipation and teasing. I know so many are more than eager to live in this new world even though in a way, we still will miss and mourn the old world with its complex bittersweet teachings and beauty. So many are now saying good-bye to the world we thought we lived in and taking our art and beauty to the vision of our future into immortality and saying hello to the world we will soon be living in.

So many have been called to help anchor and bring this about. All the creational practice we have had we now get to put into motion with energy and focus. I really feel 2012 is about manifesting things very fast. This means whatever is most dominant in our minds and emotions will happen almost instantaneously whether it seems likely or not. It will become a reality for the person who holds so much focus on his or her vision. I have seen fears manifest instantaneously, and I have also seen and heard about my soul family manifesting their most beautiful dreams almost overnight.

Maybe now we can understand that 2011 was “cleaning-out-the-closet” time. Think back to the time when the movie The Secret came out. Everyone got excited about the idea of manifesting and went to work on it. We found that, yes, this manifesting concept does work but not until some time has passed. As time went on, the time it took to manifest became a lot quicker, and now here we are at 2012 in what the Mayans called the end of a time cycle. Soul family co-creators have been trained and prepared for this. The other thing I really feel about this time is the liberation where we will not be so held back as we were before with our training wheels, attempting to get our projects and dreams off the ground.

I know it’s felt like two steps forward and ten steps backward. But in truth, we were put into a sling shot so we could propel forward much faster when the time comes. We all are dipping our big toe in the ocean of consciousness a little bit at a time, trying to get ourselves ready for the total immersion of it, as it can be rather intense. I think this incarnation and the ones in the past have given us a lot of what we do not want so we can become very clear about what we do want and appreciate it so much more when it is here.

It really is an incredible time to be alive. If we get sick, there are infinite ways and helpers to help us get better and feel more connected again. This excites me and takes away lots of old fears. We now have all of the tools we need. Our task is laid out and very clear. We have been trained and prepared through all our incarnations and especially this life to go forth and now just do and be: Do-Be-Do-Be-Do!

At my New Year’s celebration with Izzi, we discussed soul mates, about a love so profound and true that it could bring the world and all dimensions back into balance. I was inspired by her views and passion with her journey and how Source conveyed and confirmed things to her. For some reason, it is hard for me to think about soul mates. Like Izzi, I feel it is just a label that can bring about a lot of hurt and confusion if not used properly.

How many times have I seen people claiming to be each other’s soul mates, but it cannot be real true love unless it is reciprocated equally. If it’s not reciprocated, then one should just let it go and move on. Anastasia said that in most relationships there is one who loves more than the other, whereas the other just tolerates them or just settles for the relationship. This is a great crime in relationships that we must not let happen.

I guess I’d rather take Sharmini’s advice on this matter. By the way, Sharmini spontaneously got engaged on New Year’s Eve 2012. Neither she nor her fiancé planned this ahead of time. Her advice: ”Do not put labels on it. Instead, just take it one day at a time.”

That’s the thing–do not focus on all the expectations. Just let it be. You need to give your little seed a chance to grow into what it is rather than making assumptions on what kind of fruit it will give, and then being disappointed if it gives something else. If it even gives fruit at all, it might be flowers or something else. I am not like Izzi where I can dream about soul mates in the way she does. That’s her own personal world.

Before getting involved with Goose, I was not open at all to relationships, let alone my soul mate. You would think after this experience I would not be open at all, but just the opposite is the case. Yes, I can see how previously it didn’t work, and I better understand that now. But the potential of it working with the right person is quite exciting and something I am now open to. No, I am not looking now, nor should it be in any way, shape, or form a need-relationship, but a mutual wanting to be with each other to complement and elevate each other.

I do not think we should look for our soul mate or our “one” if you will. (Listen to Bashar’s recent Valentine’s Day message here.) I think we should just task ourselves to be the best person we can, follow our passion, and then just surrender to the concept of someone bringing out our best and vice versa. It is important for you to have as much in common as possible, to have fun and laugh often. They have to be someone that you can tell anything and vice versa, to share, to understand, to listen, to be on the same wavelength where one is free to share anything and everything. They understand you so well that words are sometimes not even needed.

They say time helps heal past relationships. It’s different for everyone how long it will be. What is most important for me is not to mask or suppress any feelings from this experience, but rather to let it out, sit with it and listen to it as if it’s a little kid and extract as much wisdom as I can from it.

I got further confirmation that this was the best way to heal after my friend, M, lent me a book called The Journey by Brandon Bays. I highly recommend this book for any physical pain or any block, addiction, pain affliction, or any problem you may be dealing with in your life or inside yourself. The Journey even works great with kids. I am so inspired by the person she is and her work that I would be open to having her as my mentor. For those of you who know me, I have not been keen on having a mentor, so that says a lot about her and her message.

I feel compelled to take the workshops and become a practitioner myself. Yes, I know all this already, but I am self-taught, and I would like to be a part of something and hone and refine my skills. Also, I would like to add these skills to my toolkit and be the best helper I can be.

Her network would be wonderful to connect with as well. The Journey is about going inside our body to feel where inside us the issue is, to go underneath it, to sit and feel the feelings, then go underneath that and see what is there. You keep dropping down underneath all the layers of feelings until you get to source. When people experience this in their being, they heal. They are then taken to their younger years when the problem first started and all repressed emotions and words are expressed and rectified.

For more information, you can look at this link and watch the video on the main page.

But I know myself. I know how I can be very excited about things in the moment and then as the days go on I lose interest. So let’s see if this can hold my interest. M feels I do not need it as I am already doing it in my own way. He feels I will eventually find a way to create my own thing.

I take great comfort in all the options and solutions to heal. When you think about it, to manifest the New Earth we really should have no FEAR. There are so many solutions for every single problem.

With further reflecting and healing with The Journey, I started writing poetry again and in the next chapter I share my latest poem.


Chapter 30 – Newest Poem: What Seed Are You?

This is the question that I feel is very important that we each must find out about ourselves.

What Seed Are You?

So many of us feel the amnesia weighing heavily on us.

We have been lost and in the dark for so long.

We fear if too much time goes by

We may never remember our purpose,

Our true being.

I used to think that if I stayed in

This situation,

This relationship,

It would not allow me to be me.

Would I eventually become so comfortably numb

That I would forget and accept my so-seeming fate?

Might it be my dreams are not to be?


We all fear the loss of our dreams,

But no matter how long it has been

(10, 50, or millions of years),

The fact remains that if you take an acorn

And put it in a metal box in the basement of a castle

And keep it there for millions of years

And then after all that time bring it out

And plant it in the ground,

It will grow into an oak tree.


It does not forget!

Nature does not forget.

Nature does not forget about YOU!

There is no time to forget.

The soul, the heart, nature, and life

Know the truth

And will look for a way to help confirm that you do too.


Then when you know what seed you are,

What the gifts are that you will bring:

Fruits, flowers, leaves, shade, homes, or music,

You must then task yourself to learn

What you can about your self-seed,

As to where best to plant it

So it may root and ground,

What kinds of soil you need,

How much light,

How much water,

What temperature is required

For you to grow into the potential that is you.


Chapter 31 – The Holistic View

I think I have figured out why I came out to Ontario.

In the summer, a girl named Cheryl contacted me for a session, and she happened to share her location, Toronto. So I decided to meet up with her in person. She had just lost her job and was looking for something meaningful to do. She was keen about staying out where she was and doing something in Toronto. She was also new to spirituality but open to it and hungry to learn whatever she could.

One evening before Christmas, I met up with her and a few of my other girlfriends. I am not sure how it came about, but I shared this idea for a show like a spiritual version of the TV show The View. Perhaps we could call it The Holistic View? It would be a way to make spirituality more relevant and thus more understood for the common person. Can you imagine if there were a TV show to help people better understand people like us, what we are about, and how we work? A show to dispel the hokey new age fluff in a way that was relevant and tangible?

At first, all of the girls were for the idea and wanted to be a part of it, but as time went on their priorities changed for all but Cheryl. She could not stop thinking about The Holistic View and really wanted to do it.

Poor Cheryl! Every time she tried to get the girls together to discuss and develop this project, it just did not work out. She had this potluck that I realized was going to be poorly attended. I did not want her to be the only one there, so I decided to see what I could do to prevent the potluck from being a total bust. She had a wonderful PowerPoint presentation to give more clarity to the project. We spent most of the night brainstorming, and by the end of the night we had lots of great ideas.

In order for the show to be like The View, we would need a panel of at least four women around our age. We would need a team in order to bring this about. I was suggesting promoting our project to see who felt called to be a part of this. Then I thought of two women who would be perfect for the project. First there was Sharmini. She was looking for a project, and her talents would be perfect for this one. The other one was Sophia, whom I also met when she contacted me for a session.

I only met her once before, but there was a powerful connection for both of us. We wanted to meet again, but the right time had yet to reveal itself. Then she wrote me out of the blue one day on Facebook, and I mentioned that I would be attending an event with Franco DeNicola from Collective Evolution and MasterpieceLife. Franco’s conferences are as rich with information and insight as a Bashar conference, and I highly recommend listening to his message.

It turned out I was super-late for Franco’s conference. Though it was a whole day, I only managed to make the last two hours, but I still managed to meet up again with Cheryl and Sophia. It just seemed so perfect, so right. Everything just flowed. Cheryl and Sophia also had a great connection. They got to talk a lot because I spent some time talking to Franco and The Collective Evolution team. I really wanted to help them get their message out there. I was also really emotional that Franco’s son was working so hard to help get his dad’s message out there. It made me think of my dad. Had he lived, I might have been doing the same thing. It was almost like visioning another parallel version of me. I made some plans to help promote them in any way I could. I will even interview them soon myself. I am really excited about this project, so stay tuned.

Later that night, Cheryl, Sophia, and I went out to dinner and shared more about The Holistic View idea. It turns out that Sophia was also a perfect fit for the project as she had lots to offer. Everyone got along so well and there was fantastic synergy. We went to work on a flyer to get the word out. Here is what we have right now that I can share to wet your curiosity pallet.



The show will start off online. (Think Dr. Oz meets Oprah with a mix of The View). It will be hosted by four diverse women with one goal in mind: enriching lives by sharing personal experiences and discussing topics of the mind, body, and spirit.

We are looking for: holistic practitioners; energy healers of all sorts; spiritual teachers; technical help: web developers, camera men, set designers, lighting, etc.; make-up artists; a place to rent and/or shoot; and sponsors.

This will currently be a volunteer gig; however, we are aiming to be broadcasted on TV and are looking to have commercial sponsors. If you feel like this resonates with you, please email us at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or see our website:

So far, so good. Things are coming together nice, smooth, and fast. I am excited about the potential of this show. I think it will be big. I am also thrilled to be a part of a team working with people on the same wavelength that are local, available, and just as committed to the project as me. It’s something I have wanted for a long time.


Chapter 32 -A Gypsy in the Wind

It’s midnight. I’m sitting down writing with two of my kitties sleeping beside me, one on each side. They are so content purring away, and here I am almost internally purring, knowing I am finally nearing the end of this blog. I can close this chapter and then move on.

I have mended fences with my family, and my brother Steve and I are talking again.

I went to lunch with Goose not too long ago. It went really well. I think he understands better now after stepping back and reflecting. Part of healing is to have a good closure from the opposite parties to set things right and keep them that way. I once heard it said no one knows what two people have shared with each other. It’s true. We can never judge couples or relationships. It is a private world for only them to know. We have a lot of love for each other, but it seems we can not co-exist with each other, at least not right now. My relationship with Goose is very complex and bittersweet. It’s challenging to explain it all here. It’s just something I will need to sit and ponder more on. Is it that he is actually not right for me or is he just pushing me to face some of my fears? He now sees that although what I did though not easy, it was for the best.

Now that it has been about a month since we last saw each other, we are both doing much better. We do need our space and freedom to get our stuff done. Living together was most challenging to accomplish and do the work we needed to do. He needed the place to be a certain way and with a certain kind of energy, and I needed that, too, but in my own preferred way. So now that we have our own space, things are much better.

Goose is now doing conferences on his own about Conscious Planet and Quantum Biofeedback. I assist with these conferences the best way I can. When he goes to B.C., he will be working on creating a raw vegan food with all our favorite foods and hemp. I am so very proud of him.

I manifested exactly what I needed to get out of my previous situation. Now what do I want to manifest for my future?

I have given time to the past and present, and now I am looking to the future. I have been looking at projects/videos that inspire me. Here is one project by Bunker Roy called “Barefoot College” that I would love to go and be a part of one day.

Then there is the case of a man who built a “hobbit home” for his family out of natural materials for only $3,000. I also really love this concept as well, and I am so glad people are building their own lovely houses in a simple and natural way. And best of all, it costs very little, which gives more hope and new options for people longing and dreaming about a space of love.

Although I was looking forward to having roots in one place, it’s clear to me that it is not the time for that right now. There are always lots of things we plan and hope for by a certain age in our life that do not come to pass. We have to remember we are not the one making the plans, life is.

Though The Holistic View feels like some roots, it might be more of a seed I was to plant and nurture and return to when the time is right. I still feel life knows what it is doing, and since I know what works, I should just go back to that.

Then in order to get back to my old life, and getting more acquainted with my old self and my new not-yet-birthed self, I plan to travel again. The perfect confirmation is that my new passport just arrived in the mail. I long to connect with my soul family again. I would like to meet more star family who are like star constellations scattered across the globe.

As soon as I decided that this is what I should do, I was invited yet again to Costa Rica. I previously declined, as I did not feel I had freedom to go. That’s the other thing that will be so important for me in my next relationship, that I still have my freedom. As soon as we start perceiving a relationship as having to be like a caged animal, then the shadows appear.

But now I have nothing to hold me from traveling any more. Al offered to take care of my loves in furry form until I have a place I can call home, so I decided to take him up on this offer.

I know there is a woman in Costa Rica who is said to live just like Anastasia. You can look her up here. Her name is Amy. Interestingly enough, there are also some friends of mine who are looking to set up Anastasia eco-communities out there, so all this would be good to check out. I will also be going to the Farm of Life in Costa Rica and the Hacienda Baru Lodge. I plan to leave in late March with Al and stay for about ten days.

Then another friend got in contact with me and said they were feeling like they should bring me out to Ireland and Africa with them. This is the same person who brought me out to Ireland the first time I went there. Of course I said yes. I will leave mid-April, stay in Dublin for two weeks, and then from there go to Africa.

We will start in Cape Town, South Africa, and work our way to Tanzania, where I am told there is a tribe waiting for me. They have some gift for my heart chakra. I find this really interesting as my cartoon starseed character is the heart chakra, and there is another character with connections to Africa, so there must be some message there. Well, there is only one way to find out. They cannot possibly know about my character for that cartoon, could they?

Not too long ago, I got back in touch with Lilou Mace. She is enjoying her down time back in France with her new boyfriend. Just recently she sent me her new book in the mail, I Had No Money and I Liked It: The Abundant Journey of an Open Heart. It’s a fantastic, fun read.

In sharing my plans with her, she made a suggestion that she would like to meet me down in Tanzania and do some recording. That tied with my idea of videotaping my journeys and making my own little documentary, A Day in the Life of a Lightworker, where people can witness the synchronicities first hand.

After Tanzania, I am not sure where else in Africa we will go. I know they want to explore a bit, so we will see. I am thinking while I am in that area, I would like to use the opportunity to go to India as well. I know that the people there are very poor. They have nothing and yet they are so happy. That is very appealing to me. This could also be a good chance to check out that barefoot movement I included in my link above. If not India, then maybe Burma or Australia, I guess. But realistically that will not happen this time as I only have so much time and such travels should not be rushed. I will have to wait and see where spirit moves me.

After we travel around for a couple of months, I would then fly to July. A friend of mine is heading out there and has invited me to go too. Perhaps that might be time go back to my family and friends. But will it be just for a visit? I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. It will only be for a few months. In the fall I was invited with another friend to travel around and explore South America. After that, I really do not know where I will visit or where I will end up living. Will I move back to B.C. or back with Al or maybe I will move to Europe?

Will I return to Toronto and live there, working more on The Holistic View and living with Izzi? Or will I be traveling more?

Wherever I am, I want to focus on getting my Bikram yoga certifications. I hope that after all this, I will be more equipped and effective in being of service to you and all of humanity. I know we have a lot of work to do, and I am excited to not only witness it but be a part of creating the New Earth here. I just want to live out as much of my potential, as much of my love as possible, and give birth to many worlds, not just one New Earth but many.

For this travel journey, I am open this time to meeting up with some soul family in certain locations like India and South America and traveling with them in a group. If you’re interested, let me know. Perhaps you’re interested in helping with the filming too. You will also have to be approved by the other people who are coming along so there is harmony and flow. Also, if you have any suggestions of places to check out and explore or people to meet up with in the places I will be going, please let me know.

I really would like to go to Ecuador to look into a spring of eternal youth. Listen to this description:

“The residents of the material world who enjoy the products of these flowing rivers have no wrinkles on their bodies and no grey hair. They never feel fatigue, and perspiration does not give their bodies a bad odor. They are not afflicted…by old age, disease or untimely death. They do not suffer from chilly cold or scorching heat, nor do their bodies lose their luster. They all live very happily, without anxieties, until death.”

Often people ask me: How do you make a living? How do you finance your travels? The travels are financed by viewers’ donations from $1 to thousands. Some are recurrent donations; some are video donations; and some are a one-time donation. ALL have supported the magic and positive effects these videos have had on others. These financial contributions support the transportation expenses.

For your financial support, go to my website and click on the PayPal very bottom of the home page. (You’ll have to scroll down a bit!)

OK, we are nearing the end of the blog. I just have a few more things to share now.

First off, some radio interviews I did:

Erez Ro from Israel does a show called “The Shift Project.”

Then there is Kimberley Jaeger’s “Healing 4 Inner Peace” program on

Here is a two-part interview that Juno Cristi from Manila, Philippines, did with me:

I also had a really intriguing conversation with Laura Magdalene Eisenhower. There is lots of new information from both of us. Check it out at:

Well, there it is: a whole year of my life summed up in sixty-some pages, soon to be released as an etheric message in a bottle to find the ones that it is meant to.

Thank-you again for your constant encouragement and belief in me. There are no mistakes. Everything is so perfect. If we only knew, we would weep.

I look forward to meeting you in the future.

Warm embrace laced in grace. Thank-you for you being you.

All my love,



“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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