Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

Surrender blog

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Here I am now. Life has changed so much in a short time. In some ways I have discovered new parts of myself and found new liberation, but in other ways I am just beginning and perhaps have yet to be born. There is still no word on my brother, Forrest. At least I did what I could to help find him, but I get the feeling he does not want to be found. With some things we just have to surrender and let them be, but faith and hope can still remain. There still may be a day when he will come back into our lives and we could be a family again—well, what’s left of it.

There is a saying from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch:  “Our family is little and broken but still good.” Now, though, it seems like my family is broken up even more. Even if we wanted to stay in BC, it does not seem like we can anymore. It is a shame that just when the weather was getting nicer and jobs were coming in for my family, it became time to go. I can no longer help them, either. Though it was hard, it was worth keeping my family together. There is really only so much one can do, though, and now it is time for us all to part, not knowing where any of us will end up. It is so hard to have to leave my beloved mom and brother in BC, but it is time for them to learn to stand on their own. I know they can do it.

I am here in Ontario. I moved out here with only two suitcases. It does not matter, though, because I have lived out of suitcases for so long and care not one bit for material things. I won’t say I am not sad because I am. I can wish that many things were different, but there is no point in doing so. It’s so easy to fall into sadness, but I will refuse to go there. Surely there are hidden gifts and meanings here somewhere. I will find them and more of my purpose along the way, as purpose is expansive and ever-changing, existing in so many dimensions within us.

So here I am again in Toronto, creating a new life and new work. I do not know what I will be doing. I hope I will be able to see my family again.

I do not really know anyone here, so I can either be sad and depressed about this or excited that a new adventure is opening up. I can be more determined that my family will find a better life for themselves.

Once again, we must demand more not from each other but from ourselves.

I am asking myself, “What can you do now? What can you give to the world that is new?” In my heart I say, “Milk your light in as many different ways you can. Give yourself away to this world like rain, so everything and everyone can grow into its lovely potential.”


Warm embrace laced in grace. 

Thank-you for you being you.


We are the answer to our prayers


Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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