Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series


Leave a comment

Matters of the Heart

Chapter 1: Intro Musings

Dearest Dear Ones,

These blogs feel very much like love letters to all of you.  Are we not ones who used to be together? Fate has placed us apart and scattered us all over the world and the universe, yet that is an illusion.  We were never apart.  The love is still there, and so we write our love letters to one another until the time comes when shall be with each other again.  Oh, what a reunion that will be!  

I was wondering how I could write about what happened in France.  It is a delicate thing to be honest in matters of the heart.  I am fine with sharing my private life as I give permission for that, but what about people who are not as open to sharing their life like me?  How do I work around that?  This story is not just about me, so I have my French friend’s permission to write about him. Then there is the matter of how much do I share?  Is there a line that should be drawn?

I feel the truth really does set one free, but it has to be everyone’s own choice to share. It should not come secondhand unless there is permission.  Otherwise, it is gossip. 

OK, so taking in all these factors, how does one present the truth?  I cannot help but think about TV where we get multiple perspectives through the eyes of different characters.  I like that about a movie because in this way it cannot be biased.  It is omnipresent, especially when it comes to the behind-the-scenes stuff that gives the story even more dimensions and layers.  I will never forget when I first saw how a film was made from behind the scenes.  Ever since, I could never watch a movie the same way. Life must be the same.  So I always want to share my truth in that way, to be mindful of the layers and dimensions, to present my story from multiple perspectives as I learned from playing the game Boggle.  OK, so if I am going to share, how far do I go?  Even though we are now getting into private matters of my life, I choose to share the details so they can help others.  By sharing and discussing our lives together, we become each others’ guides over time.  We need to go into the depths of our loneliness and our pain in order to understand and be free.  And I am not afraid.  Are you? 

In a few of my poems, I mention about how funny it is that we want to go to space and other worlds, yet we have not even explored our own planet, let alone understood it.  The bottom of the ocean remains a mystery to us, as does the inner earth.  It is the same with our inner being.  What about all the empty space inside us?  In our hearts and dreams, what worlds are there?  If the treasure of greatest worth lies within ourselves, how do we tap into it? Now I see the divine timing of this blog. 

I do not have a plan on how I am going to write this.  I only have small ideas and bits and pieces, but when I write I really feel that something magic happens—I do not know what or how.  It is not automatic writing at all.  Blogs are my most favorite thing to do right now.  Like you, I am excited and curious to see what thoughts and insights will form. Contemplating and writing have been healing and therapeutic for me.  They give me a sense of mindfulness and a higher perspective, a higher understanding.  Why pay a professional to spill out your innermost thoughts when you can do it this way? 

Chapter 2: Time Travel Back to Alien Self 

Where to begin?  We will have to time travel back to a younger Jessica.  If I had met any of you around those times, would we be friends?  It is funny to think that the person I used to be is more alien to me than my dear heavenly star family.  I try to understand, but it is not easy. I was just so angry and hurt at the time.  If I even approach the younger Jessica now she pushes the future me away.  I see I will have to do so much more soul archaeology in order to make progress with her, and maybe I will spend my whole life trying to free and heal her.  I will do this because I know I can.  It will heal and free everyone else as well.  What happens to us to make us like that?  Sometimes in our loneliness, we believe no one can understand us, and if anyone tries to do so, we immediately shoot them down. “No one understands me” is another self-fulfilling prophesy that the universe hears, sighs, and obeys. 

I wrote a poem, My Death, that is a snapshot of my thoughts at that time.  It is the darkest of poems, but it is one of my favorites.  It captures how my guides worked and handled me when I was in “downtown.”  They turned that pain into art and an intense mirror that has been the reason why my subsequent downtown visits have been brief.  That poem captures my dark thoughts and the escapism of delusion and pain affliction.  It really shows the process and the pattern that can really give us the upper hand.  It goes to the core and comes back again.  It speaks about my frustration with what will come of me and my relationships and my direction in life. 

OK, here it goes.  I know now why I was so mad at my dad.  I said it was about never being able to be normal.  That is a general statement that has tons of layers.  The core issue was that I felt my life had been confiscated, and I had a deep-seated fear that no one would ever love me.  There is no love for the outcasts, for the freaks and weirdoes, for they are the mad and the forgotten.  The only thing they can do is hide their innermost self from their partner. 

I always wished I could do that.  I could never hide who I was or what I was about, and I hated it.  My life was a series of attempts to achieve false security. As soon as I thought I had achieved it, I had to leave it because because it was never real to begin with.  It was time to leave.  Each job, each nook of home I tried to make, I thought this would be it—this is my life and where I will be.  It would be one happy, blind existence.  It was like being an orphan who gets passed from one home to the next until the kid feels frustrated. “There is nowhere for me to go, and no one wants me.  I am a total screw-up.”  I pick this up telepathically from others all the time now.  I call it psychic eavesdropping, but it is done with respect for privacy.  You can control how much you get and choose to refrain from details. 

I blamed my dad for all this pain and frustration.  It was his entire fault.  Why tell me about this 2012 crap?  One in fear never sees opportunity but only doom and despair.  Oh, I chose this life, eh?  I chose to not get a fair chance at love or a normal life?  I will never to get experience so many things. Talk about prosecuting the messenger for the message!  So when people do this to me, I very much understand where they are coming from.  That is what I did with my dad.  Most of the time the message was a good one, but due to my lack of imagination, the message got intoxicated with fear.  How many times have we done that?  I truly felt my father did not care at all for me, particularly when I said, “Who will love me?”  Then he laughed as if I were saying something really silly.  Looking back today, it is silly.  Today I am overwhelmed with all the spiritual love letters I receive.  But at that time it made me feel even more furious at him.  He did not care!  He was laughing at my pain.  This made me want to harm myself so my dad could see this was no laughing matter.  I wanted him to take back everything he said.  Tell me that it is all not true, that he was really crazy.  Why was he being so cruel to me?  Stop talking about all these aliens and Melissa.  She is dead.  Let her go.  There is nothing beyond this life. 

I am embarrassed to say this, but that is how awful I was to him.  Maybe this is why Lee does not like me or forgive me to this day.  He was present for this stupid pain talk.  Perhaps others could pick up on just how bad it was.  To this day, I still blame myself for my dad passing away. 

I recall the day we went to pick my dad at the crematorium.  We did not have enough money to buy an urn.  When we told them that, they gave us a flimsy box with ends that were not taped up, and as I held my dad in this box, his ashes and bits of bone seeped through the box all over me.  I was in so much fear and shock, so afraid of what was going to become of us.  Later on when I traveled, I took my father’s and sister’s ashes to all the places around the world I was invited to.  I would look for a place of much beauty and scatter their ashes, writing their essence in the wind.  

Have I fully healed from that trauma?  How does one recover from such trauma?  It really paralyzes one.  I have not even fully mourned them.  I did not feel they were gone.  Perhaps I always felt they would be coming back like they just went on a vacation.  Perhaps it was stubbornness or a hint from my soul foreshadowing what was to be known and understood in the future.  Yes, I do still blame myself for his passing, but if I did not do what I did, would I still be here doing this?  So that holds me in the middle.  I am trying to heal this, but it is very hard to go back there.  I use what happened to my father as a motivation to do what I am doing now, but it is also for redemption, to make it all right again.  There is also curiosity.  What is this secret door that I found in my dad’s attic, and where does it lead?  It is an addiction but a good one, a productive one.  If we are all addicts in one way or another, then I will choose the best addiction I can, like helping, inspiring, and empowering others, or perhaps thinking in a new way, or conversing with all forms of nature. 

This helps me to try to understand my father and the things he said to me then that still haunt me today.  He would always say I had this special mission, that I would be well-known somehow.  And here I am thinking, “Well, it came to pass, Dad, in a way I would have never thought possible.”  I am living this life watching my father’s understanding of me and my mission unfold.

Chapter 3: The French Man 

I never really had a boyfriend until I was twenty-one.  The first one was the French man.  That came from looking up starseeds online.  I never had a boyfriend when I was younger because I believed everything my mom said, like if a boy goes near you, be careful because you could get pregnant.  I recall holding a guy’s hand one time and checking my stomach to see if there was a baby in there.  Also, in school most guys were mean to me and always making fun of me. School was awful for me.  It was so bad!  It is still hard for me to walk in any school without all the memories coming back.  I am getting much better now as my own inner healing has helped. 

As I got older, I got annoyed with people’s ideas about hooking up.  It felt like it was a waste of energy.  This planet is crazy.  All we do is view each other as ideal sperm receptacles or sperm dispensers.  How productive is this for the world?  What a waste of time and energy!  I mean, there is so much going on in the world, and here we are giving all our thoughts to stuff like that.  No love, just robot-lust flesh collisions, after which one picks up the pieces and orbits around another planet of fancy. 

There is so much more I can do with my time if I do not lose my head to such things.  And what of love?  At that time I did not think such things could be for someone like me, but I wanted to put this thought to the test and see if it were true. I recall thinking, “Well, Jess, while you’re here on this planet, is it wise to prevent yourself from loving or being in a relationship?  It would be good for you to experience this.” 

It happened like this.  I was finally in contact with starseeds and lightworkers.  I found fifty at this one website that I cannot recall right now—something like “BigPond.”  I asked each one of my new friends if they knew anyone else who thought like this.  This girl in England said, “Yes, I know this twenty-five year old guy in France” whom I will call Mort. 

I sent Mort an e-mail sharing my enthusiasm for the world and our place in it.  He wrote back a pretty harsh e-mail, not with the warmth that I was used to receiving in writing to long-lost family.  His letter just tore into my rose-colored glasses perspective on the world, saying it was nothing but bubbles, some childish fantasy that had no place in reality.  In fact, he said, it was cruel to even think like this when it is clear the world’s fate has been sealed. 

When I got the e-mail, I was so hurt and deflated.  I was going to delete the e-mail and pretend like it never happened, and as my hand lingered over the delete button, my guides said, “Jess, do not do that. He is expecting to just be deleted and tossed aside.  Now how many people do you think have done that to him, Jess?  Do not take these harsh words personally.  It is clear he is hurt and has no one.  Can you not see he has forgotten and given up on the dream of what the world will become, and it hurts?  If you lost this dream, you would be hurting too.”  With that, I wrote to him, mirroring everything he said back to him and hoping to go past the pain. 

He responded right away, and his energy and tune had changed.  He was no longer doing an impression of a cactus preparing itself to be hurt should anyone get too close.  He apologized and shared with me more details of his world and what was going on in his world at that time.  He wrote about a baby he was to have with a woman who had really hurt him.  It was a complex situation that I would rather not get into here. 

After that, we spoke often. I so badly wanted to help him.  I wanted him to see that he did not need to be in such despair, that this could be a gift, but everything I said upset him.  Surely there must be some sun in his life somewhere?  For some reason, I was not deterred by this roaring lion with a thorn in his paw.  I was fascinated with him and how and why he saw the world the way he did when he had these incredible gifts.  He was a soul reader and a ghost buster.  We spoke for seven months on chat, and one day he said, “I am really disturbed by a thought.” 

“What is it?” I asked.  “Come out with it. Stop being so hesitant.” 

“I think I love you,” he finally wrote. 

“No, no,” I said.  “You cannot love me!  Why do you love me?  You cannot do that.  I am a ghost myself—in this world but not of it.  I am my guides.  I am here to help but not to get involved with or interfere with other’s lives.  Well, this is just great.  Why do you have to go and love me?  I know nothing about this matter.”  (The Jewel song Love Me Just Leave Me Alone comes to mind here, but really it comes to mind with every guy who says he loves me.)  Feeling rather annoyed, I logged off and went to sleep. 

Well, I tried to.  Instead, I tossed and turned and found that I, too, was now disturbed with this thought:  How can he love me when I am here in Canada and he is in France?  This is absurd.  Go to sleep, Jess, and stop thinking about him.  You know love is not for you.  You are not to get involved in others’ lives. But then I remembered my desire to experience this love stuff and challenge these beliefs.  OK then, I said to myself. I will surrender to this idea of someone actually knowing me and loving me.  Now this idea of love was becoming too compelling.  How could I not explore it? 

I logged on the next day and said, “You know what is funny?  You love me, and you have no idea what I look like.  And I do not know what you look like.”  

His response was, “To be honest, Jess, I do not care what you look like.  You could be a pig or an elephant or whatever.  I will still love you.”

OK, I thought.  Here is a guy who is not talking to me because of how I look.  That’s refreshing. Most girls get told they are too cute for words, and so they never learn how to speak. 

“Alright,” I said, quickly changing the subject.  “I think we need to meet in person.  Now I have been thinking about this, and rather than you coming to Canada, I will try to find some way to go to France because I have never been on a plane in my life.  I am twenty-one, and it is about time I do some traveling.  I have no idea how I will afford this, but I will find a way.  I do not speak French.  I am maybe one of the few people in Canada who does not speak French.”  

He said, “No problem. In Europe most of us speak three or more languages, so I can write English. I will teach myself how to speak English for you.” 

The next day I told my family that I was going to go to France in the summer.  I remember exactly what their responses were: “You’re out of your mind!  First off, how well do you really know this guy, and how do you know he is who he says he is?  He could be some creeper who lives in the basement of his parent’s house, sitting in the darkness, never seeing the light of day and spinning tales via the keyboard.” 

It was true I had no proof that he was who he said he was, but to me that did not matter.  I was just not in my mind at all. I had this strong feeling, and I was going with it.  This feeling was not an ego thing like I needed to be right or I wanted to get away from life or anything.  It was more like a highlighted path that I knew I just had to follow, no matter what.  I was just so sure of myself and this feeling.  I was so sure he was the one for me, my “soul mate,” and I did have some confirmation, or at least I interpreted it that way. It happened a few months earlier.  

I was conversing with one of my dear star sisters who happened to incarnate in the Bible belt of North Carolina.  I visited her, and I wrote about it briefly in a blog called My Across Canada and Eastern States Adventures.  I think I was helping her with her psychic work of remote viewing a certain place.  I had never done it before, and I was surprised to find I could do it. I could see the place she was viewing right down to the details.  I was not even thinking about it.  It was just play more than anything serious, but I think she was doing it for serious reasons.  Anyway, out of the blue, she said, “I have a message for you about your soul mate.  He is a French man.”  And that was it.  That was all she said, but it was enough.  

OK then, that settles it. He is the one for me.  It cannot be a coincidence that I happened to be conversing with a French man, can it?  I never told her about the French man, so how did she know?  Hello, she is psychic. That’s what they do—they just know.  Now that I think about it, I wonder if she just picked up my thoughts on the French guy and she just blurted it out.  Did I give myself away with my thoughts?  Either way, it didn’t matter because both reasons led to the orchestrated push-pull of certain events.  

When I did meet this psychic star sister in person, I recall a situation that made me realize she was a mind reader.  We were in the grocery store line, and she turned to the man behind us and said, “I heard what you were thinking about my friend here” (and then she whispered his thoughts in his exact words).  Then she said, “And if you say it out loud, I will knock you upside the head.  Don’t you know that thoughts like this are harmful to an innocent girl’s aura?  It is like pollution. Keep your pollution in your own aura.”  The man’s jaw dropped and said, “But how did you know those words exactly?  Maybe it’s witchcraft?”  

In truth, what she was doing was not magic.  People have their thoughts for their own agenda, and they make them strong enough, projecting them to whomever they focus on, and that other person responds as if it were their own idea.  This is unconscious psychic brainwashing simply taught by backwards-living examples, and my friend was not doing any magic, only stating her awareness for protection of me. After she said this, I turned away quickly to hide a smile and thanked her for looking out for me.  She was always so protective of me, always speaking on my behalf because I was too shy to stand up for myself. 

Something that I found interesting about this friend was that she was married to a guy who did not really understand her starseed ways.  I could tell it bothered her, but she loved him and decided to overlook it.  After all, what are the odds she would find someone who would understand her ways and love her?  Over the years, I have met many people in relationships with people whom they had to hide their true selves from.  It broke my heart, and I could not understand how one could be in love with someone but also hide themselves from them.  I would ask my friends about this: “But do you think this is fair to you?”  Most of them responded with something like “Some people do not find it so easy to be alone as you do.  Most of us would rather just have someone than wait for someone who may never come, and our starseed ways are not our whole lives like they are for you.”  At that time, I had not yet come across any starseed couples.  

In the book about Jason the starchild, he had many talks with his star family, and he learned about the heavy planning that went into preparing his family from many previous generations.  He learned that his mother was to stay connected to her spiritual side to be supportive and understanding to her son, and his father was not to be really spiritual at all but was to have a strong love for his family so he could be the logical one who could provide balance for the family.  But even coming across this information, I still wondered about both in the couple understanding each other and still holding the balance and paying the bills.  I made a promise to myself to not ever hide myself from people, especially my future love. 

Chapter 4: Call Me Hobbles 

Perhaps you can now better understand my mentality in heading out to France.  I was sure he was the one, and all I had to do was help him understand this.  I felt it was a sign that I happened to get my first passport the day before my flight.  There were no guarantees such a document would come on time.  I should state that in order to get such a cheap ticket to Europe in summer, I would have many layovers and would have to fly as far as Amsterdam.  Then from there I had to take a bus to Denmark to meet my brother, Lee, who helped me catch a bus to France.  This was going to be a tricky trek.  I really did not want to visit Lee.  I knew he would say I was stupid for going to see a guy I never met, but I was in love with the French man.  Mom made me promise I would visit Lee so she would know I was safe because she knew she could not talk me out of going to see this guy.  (Question: who out there in cyberland would like to be my mom?) 

At the airport, the authorities found some money on me that was counterfeit, but they finally let me go when they learned on the news that a lot of fake money was circulating in the area.  After they confiscated most of my money, I caught my bus in Amsterdam and made my way to my little motel.  I remember being so excited to watch the people there.  I was eager to learn about this culture, their world, and how they viewed life.  

I walked around and was not impressed with the lewdness.  I found the local people to be very friendly and very open-minded, maybe too open-minded.  I remember thinking everyone must be perma-high there.  They seemed to be about partying.  OK, I thought.  I could give this party thing a try.  I would go and do some dancing at one of their clubs.  I walked into one at random and started dancing.  After all, I was pretty excited to be in another country on my own going to see my love.  Dancing seemed like the ideal way to release this excitement.  I was proud of myself.  My dancing immediately got some attention, and I was invited to dance on the bar.  (For those of you who have read my previous blogs, you will know that I am a really bad dancer.  I have no rhythm, and I always seem to move to the rhythm in my head rather than the one being played, so I can imagine how amusing I must have been to the people there.  Also, I like to dance super fast.  It makes sense why some people asked me what I was on, and I responded “love.”) 

Now I do not smoke weed, and this event further confirmed my decision to stay away from the stuff because I am pretty sure there was a major fog of that stuff in the air.  (Weed is smoked freely everywhere there.)  I am sure I breathed in a good amount of it.  Then a Pointer Sisters song came on called Jump (for my Love), and in my head I took it as another sign that the universe was speaking to me—at least the song was.  So when the song said, “jump for my love,” I thought OK, and I, uh, this is so embarrassing.  Maybe this will give you an idea of just how much of a naïve shoe-puff I was at the time.  I cannot believe I am telling the world this, but it is the truth.  This is what happened.  This is exactly how it went. 

I jumped for my love all right. I jumped right off the bar, and both my ankles gave out and I landed flat on my butt.  I had brilliantly sprained both my ankles and torn all my ligaments.  My feet were super-swollen, puffy, and purple.  This beyond a doubt was my greatest stupid-it-tree I ever planted in my little Jessica existence so far.  Alas, it came to pass that on my second day on my first trip on my own I managed to sprain my ankles so badly that I could not walk, so I had to be carried back to my motel.  I spent the remaining days of my stay in Holland in my bed, not able to go anywhere. 

I called my mom, and she said I had two options to explore, neither of which I liked.  One was just go back home and forget the French man, Mort.  Nope.  The other was to hobble to the hospital and make a huge bill for my mom because I did not get medical insurance.  Nope.  Sorry, Mom, I do not want to do either, nor do I want you to contact Mort and tell him what has happened.  One person worrying about me is more than enough.  

Because I did not like my options, I decided to make another.  I decided to heal myself.  What was it in martial arts, how masters break bricks with their faces?  Ah yes, it is mind over matter.  Well, if they can do it, so can I.  So for days I focused on my ankles and feet, talking to them and telling them how important it was for them to get better and walk.  Feet are not easy things to reason with, and who can blame them with the amount of work they do under stinky conditions? 

I contemplated what the universe could be trying to tell me with this situation, and I interpreted it as a test how far I would go for love.  Would I just give it up and let it go because I could not walk?  Or could love heal me and make me walk?  This is when I started to play around with Reiki without even really knowing what it was.  It just seemed to make sense and was a natural thing.  After a few days, I was able to walk—well, more like hobble—but it did not hurt as much any more.  There was just a weakness I felt on my ankles.  (Funny thing to note here: in the past, I had learned that some people have weak ankles. I thought that was a silly thing to have, and now I have them.  To this day, my feet are a size-and-a-half larger than they used to be.  I have to be careful how I dispense my weight when I walk.)  

It was important that I was able to walk because I did not have the hotel very long, and I had no other plans for a place I could stay in Amsterdam.  Also, I had little cash to spare, of course.  Well, I ended up catching a bus and started talking to this very beautiful girl.  As we talked, I learned she was a model. (Of course, I think everyone there must be models.)  When I shared with her that I am a mystic, she got very excited and asked me to do a little reading on her.  Well, she was so pleased with my reading/advice that she asked where I was staying.  When I told her nowhere, she smiled and said, “Perfect. You can stay with me and my papa.  We would love to have you as a guest. We can also show you around a bit.”  And so I hobbled around Amsterdam, thoroughly enjoying all my time there with her and her wonderful father.  People have always been so good to me. I could not help but think that people are really everyday angels, like Jewel’s sings about in her song I Am Sensitive.  The interesting thing about this song is that the lyrics sum up my relationship with my brother Lee. 

The next day, I had to part from my new friends and take a bus to Denmark to see my brother Lee.  Sure enough, he scolded me about this most recent so-seeming hairbrained idea.  To top it off, I had injured my ankles in the most stupid way imaginable to my brother.  I told him, “I am fine.  I have healed myself.  I would like to explore Denmark.” He replied, “Oh, no you don’t!  You are staying right here with some frozen peas, corn, and carrots on your feet.  You only have a few days until you have to get to France, and you have to be able to take care of those ankles.”  And here I thought he wanted me to make a salad with all those ingredients on my feet!  I think I even have a picture of this sight somewhere on facebook.  My hair was short blond at the time. 

When the time came to catch my train to France, my brother said, “Now listen carefully, Jess, because I am only telling you this once, and if you make a mistake and get on the wrong train, you are screwed. I am not coming to help you.  My girlfriend tried to make this trip and could not do it, so good luck.  You have five different trains to catch, and not one of them give the train stops in English, so it will very hard to know which stop is yours. 

My strategy was to talk to as many people as I could until I found someone who spoke English and then stay with them for as long as I could.  I cannot recall this train trip in any detail.  Just two things stand out to me.  The first is a young German man who spoke some English and was a big fan of Will Smith.  I remember how excited he got when I told him I worked in the film industry and worked on Will’s films in Vancouver—I, Robot is one that comes to mind.  I recall that as long as I spoke to him about what Will was like in person, the better, because he was more inclined to help, like some kind of machine: “please dispense information about Will Smith, and I will tell you want you need to know to get to your destination.” 

Then the other helpers I recall were some Scottish people.  This was my final train ride, and it dawned on me that because they spoke English, I better get off the train with them.  It was very likely that I had the wrong stop, or maybe I would not be able to find Mort, or maybe he would not be there for whatever reason.  It would be wise for me to stick with these guys, at least until I was able to find Mort. 

Well, I got off the train surrounded by a flock of Scottish men, and right off the train there was Mort.  He was not too impressed with my being surrounded with men as I hobbled to him for a hug.  (I should add that we finally did exchange pictures, but I made sure to send him my least attractive photo.) 

Chapter 5: Meeting Mort

There we were just looking at each other, trying to take in this moment.  He was a bit weary and not sure what to think of me.  He was so jaded by women, and here I thought he thought I was different, but now I am sure he was second-guessing everything.  I did my best to explain my reasons to him the best I could.  I think finally he understood that

I was saddened by all the things that happened to him to make him jaded.  There was little joy in his life, and the thing that jaded him the most was the cruelty the world greeted him with right from babyhood.  This experience imprinted him for the rest of his life, that the world was harsh and he should not trust anyone.  He was very much like that character Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh.  

He was also most upset because his ex-girlfriend was pregnant, and they really did not get along, nor did he have any money to help raise the child.  This greatly frustrated him; he felt very much trapped and not free. I met him shortly after he got the news that his ex was pregnant, so I knew this is what was upsetting him the most.  Plus, a new girlfriend was not what he needed.  It only complicated things.  No wonder he was so disturbed at the thought of loving me. 

I wanted him to know that not everyone was harsh like this, that this world was not a gloomy place but a lovely warm place as well, that there are many good people who care to be there for others.  His response to this was “I do not know what you’re talking about. I never meet anyone like that,” so I used myself as an example and found that if I was going to share with him about kindness and compassion, I was going to have to be living proof for him.  I was not deterred by his gloominess and timid nature.  

Whenever he got like that around me, I would just say, “I have to tell you something.”  Then I leaned over and whispered in his ear “I love you,” and this would always do the trick.  Nothing seemed to matter because no matter what the difficulties, I knew that I loved him (or thought I did—loving someone is very easy for me.  I just love most everyone right off the bat. I need no rhyme or reason), and I thought that love could make anything better. 

I recall being so eager to share all the spiritual things that were coming to me and how good it felt to just share such things.  He told me that where he lives, being a psychic soul reader is like something against the law or really looked down upon.  I told him, “Well, I plan to live out here in France with you, and I think together we can change how the people see psychics.” 

He said, “Do not be silly, Jess.  You cannot live here.  You will not be able to move here.  You do not know the language, nor will you be able to have your dreams here, and you know I cannot move to Canada with you because I am going to be a father.  I really have to be here for my daughter.” 

I told him I was thinking of helping him raise the baby. “Mort, I do not mind at all,” I said.  He could not believe this statement.  No way would someone give up his life for him like that. 

He showed me around his home town, and we made trips out to Paris, which was about two hours from where he lived.  I recall not being interested in any of the sights.  He would say, “This is the Eiffel tower,” and I would say, “Oh, it is lovely,” not even looking at that pile of metal but instead looking dreamingly at him.  In talking to the local people, I recall them mainly telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, and the children were mostly to be seen and not heard.  I was not so impressed with vibe I got from Paris.  

I recall him taking me to this old hospital to get my ankles looked at, and this is where I learned some of his ghostbusting skills.  He saw the ghosts touching me, and I could feel the cold feelings tingle on the back of my spine.  I asked if we could speak with them.  He said it was no good because they only remember a small amount, and they usually talk in circles.  They are usually stuck on something, and they are not able to let go.  The best thing to do is find what it is they are stuck on and help them get past it and let it go so they can go forward.  They stay here because of their stubbornness and fear, and they are caught in a drama that repeats over and over.  I thought of actors who age and are lost to roles they once played and cannot let go of that.  The character they played has some kind of a hold on them.  Their whole life then becomes an act of that specific character.  I was also taught how to take these spirits to the light within the light.  This can be done through the assistance of an archangel, preferably Michael. 

Despite his jaded demeanor, Mort really was a tender man, and there is a part of me that still loves him.  It was with him that I first saw my guides. I saw the rainbow craft, and I met my unicorn guide in an astral travel.  (In ancient Greek mythology, Iris was the goddess of rainbows and also the messenger of the gods. Did the ancient Greeks see a rainbow-colored craft and think it was a messenger of the gods?) Mort was the kind of guy who did not take chances or try new things.  He stuck to things that were reliable and familiar.  It is true that we do not forget our first love, even if sometimes I think we were not really in love, just in love with the idea of being in love and in love with how we made each other feel about ourselves. 

(What I find so interesting about jaded people is how much they will defend and protect their pain and push people away when you get close to their core.  They can even threaten to self-destruct.  Why is that when they are so close to the finish line?  Why do they protect their pain with their life like it was some kind of special treasure?) 

When it was time to leave, he drove me to the bus stop, but my bus never came, so I missed my flight.  The next day, we went to a travel agency and told them what happened with the ticket we got from them.  The travel agents were not budging in refunding my ticket or getting me another one.  Then all at once Mort and I looked at each other with out saying anything, but we had a strong knowing that we were going to speak to their souls because their personality selves were not helping us at all.  Instantly, the energy changed in the room to that of warmth and compassion, and they printed out another flight ticket.  I am pretty sure this was my first time I experimented with soul communication.  In many ways, Mort and I made a good team.  We were able to make things happen. 

About three months later, he came to Canada to visit me.  It was November, and I showed him around my home town.  We had a great time, though I am unsure what my family and friends thought of him.  I think they felt he was not right for me. 

When he left to go back to France, I worked as hard as I could to make as much money as I could.  I wanted so badly to surprise him in France by just showing up for Valentine’s Day, which was also our anniversary.  I wanted to tell him the good news that I got a cruise job.  I am sure most of you know this story.  It is one of my favorites to share on how that came about.  If not, refer to my poem How I Came To Be Cruising the Sea or my YouTube video 2012 Part 3: How To Be Free From the Illuminati.  But my getting the cruise job was not the good news I wanted to tell him.  I worked for hours making many gifts for him. 

When I arrived back to France and surprised him with my presence and many gifts, I told him that I got the cruise job and that I planned to give it up for him.  I had made up my mind that this is what I wanted to do.  I guess I was thinking movie romance at the time because it sounded so perfect in my mind, but there was no smile on his face.  Instead, his face revealed sadness.  

He said, “I have made up my mind, too, about what I am going to do with my situation.  Jess, as much as I want to run into the sunshine with you, I just can’t. I love you too much to let you give up your dreams on account of me.  I know how much you were looking forward to that cruise job, and I just cannot let you do it.  You want to give up your dreams for me, but what about your dreams?  You have so many dreams, and I, well, I have forgotten how to dream.  I fear if you stay in France, you might become like me. I do not think I could live with that.  And you might be fine with giving up your dreams for me now, but later on you will grow to hate and resent me for allowing you to do this.” 

He went on: “For many months, I have been teetering trying to make up my mind who I should choose—you or my daughter.  Well, I have to choose my daughter for the simple fact that you’re a big girl, and you can take care of yourself.  But my daughter is a baby, and her mother is not the best example for her, so she really has no one.  I must take responsibility and be there for her to give her a loving parent figure, something I never had. This is my chance to make it right. I love you, Jess, but I must let you go.  That is what you do if you love someone—you let them go.  I think we should break up.  You should forget about me, go on the ship, and have a wonderful time—if not for you, then for me.” 

My brain could not process what was going on.  I think I went into shock.  I just could not believe what he was saying.  Surely, he was not serious?  I thought he did not believe in love because there is no obstacle that love cannot overcome, but it has to be mutual.  Both parties have to want it as badly as the other does.  This was not the case.  He was giving up.  This is how I saw it. I guess I could not take the hint, so I tried to reason with him in the sea of my gray matter of no reason that I seemed to possess at the time.  When he saw I was not going to leave and just go easy with him being gentle, he started to talk in a harsher tone.  It hurt him.  I saw he had tears in his eyes, so much so he had to turn his back to me so he did not have to look at me when he did this.  He continued pushing me away, saying ugly things until I ran out of the room in tears. 

I returned home and spent the next couple months in tears, refusing to leave my room.  My mom put her plant comfrey on my ankles.  It made me feel like I was some tribal bush person. 

Thinking back to this time, I have tears in my eyes just having to re-live this pain and humiliation with all of you, but I know that if I were him, I would have done the same thing.  He did the right thing, and the right thing is not the easiest thing to do.  So you guys really have this mysterious jaded French man to thank for me being here doing my work.  If he had not done that, I would be in France living a quiet existence as a stepmother.  I have seen pictures of his daughter, and she looks so much like him. He is a full-time dad, and he has not dated since.  Maybe this has changed in the last few years, but I really do not know.  I stopped writing to him a few years ago.  I got annoyed with him asking me why I was still single when I now had so many fans.  I like to stay in touch with everyone I have a history with.  I like to see how life is for them and how they are doing. 

At the time we were together, I was twenty-one and he was twenty-five.  We were together for about a year, and within that year I changed and grew so much.  My heart was completely and utterly broken, and I had no idea how to fix it.  I felt so alone.  It was a dark time in my life, and I desired to have someone there for me who wanted nothing in return and who would not judge me. I wanted someone who cared me and wanted to help in anyway they could.  Because I did not have this, I wondered how many other people in the world felt like this and also had no one.  Maybe one day I could be there for people like this.  Maybe I could help them to feel not so alone.  Maybe I could comfort them.  I would not let mine and other’s pain be in vain.  Instead, insight would I gain so that in our lives only insight would reign. 

My editor shared with me that mort is the French word for death.  Did my idealistic notions of love die with Mort? 

Chapter 6: Cruis’n  

After this, I took the job on the cruise ship.  Although it was a dream job, I was not happy there. I was in paradise but felt so alone and sad. I did not really have any friends.  Most of the people who work on cruise ships are pretty wild and always wanting to party, so I just stayed in my room thinking about the things that had transpired in my life.  It felt like there was major effort to stop my relationship in France, like the universe really wanted me to be single to follow and trust in my dreams more than be with one person.  Was the purpose of my experience with Mort to help me realize that and keep me single to do my work?  My dreams should be my main focus above anything else because the one guy I wanted to be with did not want to be with me. I began to think like a child. If I cannot be with him, then I do not want anyone ever again.  You know these thoughts.  They can be jaded contract promises we make with ourselves, but I did not hold myself in this thinking for that long, maybe a few years.  

After that, I reassessed this problem and found it to be a silly and void self-contract.  I then replaced that contract with the idea of rather than giving my love and dedication to one person, I would instead give it to the world, projecting myself out as much as I could so that the world could feel it and be comforted by it. 

My favorite thing about working on the cruise ship was the guests.  They stood out the most, more than the beautiful tropical islands.  I just bonded with them all right away.  I loved to help them in whatever way I could to make sure they had a wonderful trip.  I am still in touch with a good many to this day.  (One I ended up hooking up with when I was twenty-five. He was from New Jersey. I wrote about him in one of my blogs as well.) 

I recall I would focus more on conversing with the guests than on my actual job and boring tasks.  Hosting events, I had people only showing up to my events and then leaving when another host came.  They would ask me questions, so I would stay later on at an activity.  It was clear I had a special connection with people.  They looked and acted as if they knew me somehow.  I felt their souls cheering and encouraging me on somehow.  I did not understand this connection at that time.  I would constantly get comments that the cruise was OK, but Jessica was the highlight.  I even got awarded for outstanding excellence, which I was so proud of. I never got anything like that before in a job.  

I think this upset many of my co-workers on the ship.  I found that most employees were more than eager to step on others to get to the top, while I felt inclined to lend my shoulders and hands to boost others to the top.  This is why it was hard to be friends with anyone.  You never knew if they were threatened by you and saw you as competition, plus people were coming and going, and the guys were wolves.  Most of them had wives or girlfriends back home, but they also had a girlfriend on the ship and one on every island.  I learned how to deal with men like this very fast and did not fall prey to their beguiling way.  

Cruise life was really something else.  All I can say about it is that I lived a lot in a short amount of time.  I worked for Royal Caribbean a total of four-and-a-half months, but it felt like ten years.  It ended by them letting me go because there was an auditor spy on the ship seeing if things were up to standard.  An employee only got three red lights and then they were out.  Not only does the ship fail, but they pull the ship until it is up to their strict standards.  Now we were aware there was a mole on board for the company, but no one knew who it was.  They were disguised as a guest.  What happened was I closed an activity one minute late due to my dear guests wanting me to extend the short activities.  It was that one minute that gave the ship its third red light.  Who knew? 

I was told later that it most likely was an excuse to get rid of me because I was seen as a threat to other staff, and my new ideas for activities and handling the guests were not something they were ready for.  Everyone there was too fearful and more inclined to stick to the status quo. 

Chapter 7: Updates Overlapped and Keeping Track 

So I went home feeling like a loser and failure yet again, unsure of what to do with myself.  I sure felt like a plaything on a string, the universe’s spiritual fling.  Well, now we are coming to a point where my blogs are starting to overlap.  The next adventure was coming home to find my mom dealing with her ex-con roommate, which you guys know, and us becoming homeless for the second time, which I have discussed before.  After that came the 11:11 trip, which is a pretty neat story, but I will save that one for another time. 

Following that was another trip to France but not to see Mort.  I worked in a small job counseling abused and misunderstood indigos who had no one to talk to. 

Then I did the trip involving Canada’s ex-most wanted and my time in North Carolina, New Jersey, Philly, and New York, which I wrote about as well.  Around here is where the animation job took place, which I have yet to share about but know I must.  Look for that one in the near future and see what I learned and what gifts I acquired from that experience.  Then there was the trip to Australia and then Sedona where I was interviewed by Project Camelot, and then I went back to Sedona and Los Angeles two more times.  Then there was the European trip, and we are all caught up now until right before I left for Europe. 

Chapter 8: Enter the Goose 

(Throughout the rest of this blog, you will notice G notes, which are Goose’s thoughts and feelings after certain sentences I write.  I feel this is very fair as I did not want my blog to be biased.  It gives a new dimension to the blog, and I wanted him to be OK with everything I wrote because it is his life, after all, and he is a private person.  I am very grateful that he has allowed me to share this story.) 

Goose came to our place from Toronto to Vancouver for two reasons: (1) to do some work with Irene Gravenhurst and the Squamish government and (2) to visit me.  As most of you know, I am pretty cool with people who are into my work coming to my house for a chat and meeting the family.  Before him was a young man from New Zealand who was loads of fun, and before that a very sweet brother and sister in their late teens from Alberta. 

So for me it was just a standard visit.  I recall on first meeting him he looked rather scary, like a gangster or something, and his favorite things to talk about was poppycock Tough Guy Talk, which I wrote a poem about four years ago.  He was into things I could care less about, like partying, fast cars, fine alcohol, and his talk about his Vegas days where he would blow ten Gs just like that, which I found most disgusting because we struggled to get by most of our life.  Maybe he thought this talk would impress me like it impressed other people, but he sure did not impress me.   

He used to earn a good amount of money, but now those days are gone.  Money gave him his identity, and now without it he did not know what to do.  I am certain that he would make his big bucks again because he had made it and lost it many times before.  Making money the first time is the hardest.  If you can do it once, you can do it again.  Goose is just too talented and smart not to be able to do it again (the only thing that stands in his way is himself), but this time he would learn how not to lose his money.  He would have a new understanding of money and use it in a whole new way, a way that would benefit the world. 

It did not seem like we jelled or jived at all, so I had to ask him, “Why did you feel you needed to meet me?”  He said in watching my videos he became shattered, and he did not know what to do.  Maybe if he met me, I could help him better understand.  Now sometimes I am unsure about the effect my videos have on people.  Some effects I am aware of right away and other experiences are new to me.  I tried to understand just how I was able to shatter this once bigshot high-roller wild child. 

He was originally staying with Irene and the Squamish government, but when things got intense there, I was concerned for him, so I offered for him to stay at our place until he headed back to Toronto, which was not too far away. 

As we started to hang out more, I worked hard to tear away his tough guy exterior so I could meet who he actually was.  I was also so intrigued with that children’s story about the big angry lion that all the animals were scared of except for one small mouse.  The mouse went right up to the lion and saw that the lion had a thorn in his paw, and that is why he was so angry.  So when the mouse pulled it out of the lion’s paw, the two became the best of friends, and the lion was no longer so angry. 

(Refer back to my Mort story and see how my love motivation compares.  Yes, I am aware of the similarities.  Sometimes it is best to give my love where it will do the most good, where the most healing can occur. We are here to bring light to dark places.  We are here to teach others how to have self-sustainable love.  Lightworkers tend to be pretty abundant in love, so sometimes I think if I gave my love there, it would not be as beneficial as, say, with an indigo.)  

I came across an African animation that is similar to this story that I cherish that uses people rather than animals.  It is called Kirikou.  I highly recommend watching it.  This video along with other kids’ shows helped me better understand my message about the illuminati, but this one is even better than The Wizard of Oz gives.  This might give you a better understanding of my thinking when it came to Goose.  I wanted to pull out his thorn. 

Anyway, Goose was not like the sorcerer or an angry lion in their extremity, but he did have a thorn in him that needed to be pulled.  He also needed some gentleness, comfort, and holding.  (Everyone needs this, even me. He pulled my relationship thorn.)  I felt this neat feeling emanating from the center of his chest.  It was a warmth and comfort back in a way I had never felt before, and I was very curious to further explore what it meant.  My guides usually speak to me by highlighting things, and this felt like a major highlight. 

Goose is a man of many talents.  I would go as far as to say he is a genius.  He has this super memory and is able to teach himself many complex things; for example, fixing a computer by taking it apart and learning how the device works and everything a computer has to offer.  He does the same thing with cars as well.  He just needs to see a pixel of a car and then he knows what kind of car it is and what kind of engine it has.  Oh, how he loves his machines!  He is also a highly talented graphic designer and an inventor.  Then there are his street smarts and his head for business.  His cooking is incredible, and when he cooks he goes all out.  He knows everything about the process of making music and can really sing, though I sure do not jive with his music tastes, nor is Jewel his cup of tea. (G note:  But now that has changed. I am now very sensitive to music like her. She wanted things kicked up a notch, and now I better understand what the world is like for her in her life as a sensitive.) 

I do not think I can give you a good idea of how smart and talented this guy is.  The amount of information and knowledge he has in his head is incredible.  There is really nothing he cannot do.  All he needs is some heart intelligence. 

You would have to get up pretty early in the morning to outsmart this guy.  He thrives off challenges, has a photographic memory, and loves to help people with their challenges. His mind is very fast, and he is intense too.  He will blow your mind if you talk with him; he always has something new and fascinating to say.  He is the kind of guy a head hunter looks for. He is definitely a one-of-a-kind guy. He is definitely an indigo through and through.  He has to do everything his own way, and he loves to get under people’s skin.  He loves to break rules and push limits to the extreme. He is most definitely a starseed, a highly psychic one at that, and he is aware to a degree.  I helped him to understand more about this side of himself. 

He looked out for my family and helped them in any way he could.  In the beginning, though, my family saw he was really starting to fall for me, so they did everything they could to turn him off of me by telling him the most embarrassing stories about me, but none of this deterred him. 

We hung out more.  Both my mom and my brother liked him and starting saying, “Jess, he might be the one.”  I was kind of annoyed by this as I felt they were interfering with my matters of the heart, but another way to look at it is that sometimes when we are stubborn and closed-off, other people can help us see things that we cannot, so I fluctuated between these two thoughts.  Then there was another way to look at it, that he was charming everyone in my life, so I would give him a chance.  Things like this do not work on me.  

Then there was the psychic who told me a few months ago the guy for me is Mediterranean, and Goose is Cypriot.  Then another psychic—the same one who said the French man was for me—said that Goose would be a good guy for me.  I did not even ask about my future partner.  I did not even ask if he was right for me.  I just wanted to tell her where I was at in my life as friends do.  (You can imagine that I was most annoyed with psychics.  Sometimes they did not know when to be a friend and when to be a psychic.)  She said, “He really loves you, and it is good for you to go with him.”  The problem was I did not want a man who could take care of me and be good for me.  I was more interested in being in a relationship that leaves no room for doubt.  

Again, when it comes to matters of the heart, it has to be our own decision, what we feel in our own heart.  How can a psychic speak on behalf of our heart?  We need to ask our own hearts.  Can we see a forever with them?  What does that forever look like?  What does a realistic life look like with him?  Is this what you want?  I did talk to my psychic friends about my frustrations with them and their readings—like  the French man, for example—and I came to the thought that if she did not say what she did, then I might never have pursued the relationship, and I would not be the person I am today.  He might have been right for me at that time but not anymore.  Things are changing so fast all the time and people’s free will was playing a major role in this. 

I was still annoyed about all this before leaving for Spain.  Did I have a choice in all this or was I just to surrender to this, even if I did not feel we were right for each other?  I was taught to trust the universe, but this time I did not. I thought maybe the universe was drunk or something.  Or maybe they want us to be together temporarily like Mort?  What if I do not want this experience?  I do not have time for a partner. 

As for attraction or types, I used to have types of guys I was attracted to.  Growing up, I was always attracted to light-haired, light-eyed men.  My first boyfriend was dark-haired and dark-eyed.  After that relationship, I was only attracted to dark-haired, dark-eyed men.  Then came the next relationship with the guy in Jersey, and he had light hair and light eyes.  So after this, I threw out attraction and type ideas.  It really did not matter.  You can start not being attracted to a person at all, but as you spend time with the person, they suddenly become attractive.  Also, I do not like having others interested in me for my looks, so why would I do that to men?  It is only fair and must not be one-sided.  My mom was not attracted to Dad when she first met him.  He also looked like a gangster thug, and she said she grew into her attraction.  People would think, “How the heck did a guy like that get a woman like her?” A lot of the times we miss out on wonderful people and wonderful relationships with great love because of our silly attraction and types filter, which usually comes from the media. 

No matter how many times I told Goose that I did not want to be in a relationship with him, that it was not going to work, he kept saying, “How do you know?  Just give me a chance.  “I just know,” I said. “I can see it.”  OK then. I had a few more days before I took off to Spain.  I told him, “Let’s see in the next few days how it goes.” 

I did speak to a few of my friends about Goose, and they did not like him.  I did not think that was fair to say about him because they did not know him like I did.  People looked him up on facebook and most likely thought, “This is not a guy I would ever picture Jess dating.”  I am surprised some of my lightworkers could be so judgmental.  I mean, are we not an example of unconditional love? 

He was not used to people befriending him on account of me, who were not so much interested in being his friend as sniffing him out and finding a reason for me to not consider Goose.  No wonder he did not feel comfortable around my friends.  I know my friends are protective and looking out for me, but I would prefer if they would just trust me more. I see our relationship like the movie Avatar.  Here is this indigo entering a crystal world, and he falls in love with the crystal girl.  He has to work hard to understand and to prove himself to the crystal people for all the wrong reasons, and then when he fully understands, he starts to fess up and act for all the right reasons. 

Goose is a private person, and I am not.  Yes, he could exude not-the-best vibes to people who tried to get in tune with him, but that was his front.  There was much more beyond that—what I like to call the real Goose.  (You would have to meet him in person to know what I mean.)  Yes, sometimes he could be too intense.  I thought that dating him would be like dating a bomb one would always have to deactivate. 

When it was time for me to leave for Spain, I felt like I had to make a decision, and I decided that I could not do this.  This guy is too much like my brother Forrest.  Did I not promise myself I would never be with a guy like that?  Was I making a good decision or just getting lost to being a human being in a relationship?  I decided to be honest with him and let him go. 

In Europe, I learned that he was spending much of his time with my family, just looking out for them.  I was both grateful and annoyed because I thought I told him we were over, but here he was going above and beyond for my family.  But was it really for my family or just to get me to change my mind?  He did have a good friendship with my family, and just because we were not together did not mean he could not hang out with my family.  Just because our relationship ended, did that mean the relationship had to end with my family? 

In Europe I felt like our work together was not done.  This was a hard thing to grasp because a part of me could not stand him and a part of me wanted to spend more time with him.  I know what many of you are thinking.  You are wondering why did I not jump into his eyes and just see whether he was the one or not. The truth is I did already know, but there is also a part of me that did not want to know because if I knew, I might not have this experience that many lives were calling for.  It is not good to always be able to know such things.  

I sometimes would rather not know and just live and confirm with myself later.  I am not just waiting for the one but for the ones who will help me grow or prepare each of us for our one.  As my guides said, “If you knew all the things that would happen to you, then you would do your best to stop it, and then how much life and experience would you have?  You just defeated your purpose of being on Earth and being human for the beings who watch and learn through you. 

Chapter 9: Return of the Returning Jedi  

When I returned from Europe, I learned that Goose was still staying at my place.  Shortly after my return, my brother Forrest came over for a visit.  Now you guys remember the Return of the Jedi chapter in my “13 Summer Adventures” blog where I wrote about Forrest coming around, and then I wrote about the September 9, 2009, trauma incident that occurred between he and I, and I thought I jumped the gun about him changing.  It turns out he really did change. He had let the whole thing go.  It was a “water under the bridge” kind of thing.  He was not holding a grudge at all, while I was cautious and on my guard when he returned.  So in a way, he was more mature than me even though he is younger than me.  I was impressed by his ability to just forgive, forget, and let things go. 

The family had a deep talk with him.  Forrest told this incredible story about his ayahuasca experience.  Sometimes I think it is silly that I am to be a speaker because it is clear who is the real speaker of the family—Forrest.  Oh man, what he told us was so rich and colorful and animated, just how he told it down to the detail in his facial expressions.  It was a sheer golden moment, and I still regret that I did not record him.  I would like to see him one day get to point where he will have his own label and make his own conscious songs.  I have heard some of them, and they are really good, really profound.  There is a lot more to Forrest than meets the eye.  Most of the time when I’m in his presence, he is millions of miles away, traveling through the skies of his mind. 

Forrest (his stage name is DY for Dy Young) has another meaning to him. He explained that even if we live to 100, life is still too short and you have died young, so you must live everyday to the fullest, young at heart, so when you die you are still young.  (It also means to always stay young at heart so when you die, you are young. That is another meaning for him.)  Forrest finally released his first single that hit the radio and much music TV with a song called Passenger.  I shared it on my facebook because I am proud of him.  I know how long he has worked for this.  Someone commented after seeing his video that this is a great example of why the world is so messed-up.  I agree it is a shallow video, and it is definitely not something I would give a hoot about if it were from any other artist.  It is not like it was his choice to do a video like that.  It is the label’s decision.  An artist has no say on what they do or say.  They are no different than presidents who have a team of people creating their image, telling them what to say and how to say it. 

(I am not promoting the video as much as I am promoting good for you, Bro.  You finally achieved your dreams after ten years.  You did it.  After all the difficulties and trial-and-error and rejections, you did not give up.  You did it.  I want people to know that you are my brother just like you want people to know I am your sister.  I want people to be taken by our so-seeming—but not really—paradoxical personalities.) 

I am not kissing up to my brother now that he has made it.  For one, I always knew he would make it as stated in previous blogs.  Nor do I desire money from him, but I would like for him to be able to help my family out more so I do not have so much responsibility.  But again with things changing, Mom might one day be able to take care of herself soon.  Who knows?  Anything is possible. 

Anyway, Forrest and I really bonded.  When everyone went to bed, Forrest and I spoke a bit more, and then he asked me, “Hey, are you and Goose dating? 

I said, “No.” 

And he said, “Are you interested in him like that?” 

Again I said, “No.” 

And he looked at me like he already knew and said, “Whatever.  I see some serious chemistry with you and him.  I like this guy for you, Jess.  He can balance you out and take care of you. He seems like someone you can rely on.” 

I was so annoyed with Forrest saying this because again it felt like I had no choice or no one cared about my answer.  I said, “No” and everyone goes “Sure, whatever.” 

Goose could not believe that Forrest was the same person I told him about regarding the trauma incident.  I said, “Well again, he has changed much like you.  I mean, you wanted to beat my brother up at one time.  Now you cannot fathom doing that anymore.  You used to be angry at the world and now not so much anymore.  You used to party, and now you do not want to.  How can we judge others anymore?  Everyone and everything is changing so rapidly now. 

Let’s keep in mind, friends, that I put up a seven month fight with the idea of Mort and I being in a relationship before I finally gave in.  I am one stubborn rag-a-muffin when it comes to possible relationships.  But Goose was so persistent that I had to make sure I would not just cave. 

One second, guys.  Steve just came into my room and asked me what there was to eat.  I told him that if he did not want to eat health stuff there were always the sweet, sweet floor scraps.  Then he wanted a Jessage on his neck, so while I was working on him, I told him to close his eyes, relax, and then contemplate his origins. Who is he? How did he come to be? Then I said, “Open your eyes and focus on that wrapper on the floor. What is it? What are its origins? How did it come to be? Now contemplate the color yellow. What are its origins? How did it come to be?”  He was like, “What the heck, Jess! You’re so random! But I am used to it, and it is rubbing off on me. The other day, I told my girl friend (his lovely Bulgarian girlfriend is twenty and Steve is eighteen), ‘I love the way you wear your skeleton.’  After hearing that, she could not stop laughing.” 

Chapter 10:  Duck Duck, Goose 

Do you recall how I said I had this feeling Goose and I were not done even though I tried to make it so?  Boy, was I right about that because you guys know what happened next with the place we were living at and my health.  I told Goose about our situation, deciding to tell as many people about what happened as possible in hopes that someone would know what to do or have some good suggestions.  Goose was staying with the Squamish project people and going back and forth from Toronto.  He told me that he could not sleep because of what was going on here and that he knew he could help.  

Goose is definitely a protector.  He is always standing up for others—a man about justice—but justice is rarely my bag.  I recall one time I told him about this guy who wanted to be my manager.  He wanted to help me release some of my film projects and speaking engagements.  This guy wanted a good amount of control, though, talking about not having me speak to anyone on facebook, and that others would talk to my friends instead. There would be a heavy filter procedure for anyone who wanted to converse with me. I was to be protected and not so easily accessible.  In the talks I gave, I would have bodyguards, and he would take 50 percent of my income.  I would be the next Almine.  How exciting it was to find someone he could help with their becoming!  

But I did not like this and neither did Goose.  I am no one’s cash cow, nor do not intend to be.  I am not Almine.  I am not really familiar with her and her work, and when I did skim it, I did not find myself compelled or anything.  I have my own path to carve, and I would rather do it on my own with my soul family’s help rather than being some corporate shill.  I like being accessible, too, though recent circumstances have made me just a little bit more choosey now but not too much.  I definitely do not want or need bodyguards.  I would rather not play that fear-catering game—been there, done that, no thank-you.  I do not want protection from life and hype.  I would rather find my own way to deal with these things.  I think I am doing pretty well so far. 

Now here Goose was standing up for me and my family, but that meant being on “house arrest” for as long we needed to before we could make alternate plans.  The way Goose was helping and handling things, I decided I should give him another chance and be in a relationship at least until after the court case.  Then we would reassess if the relationship was working for us or not.  He felt it was his duty to stay and help out until at least we were in a new place.  

For such a long time, I had this huge wall up with being in a relationship.  Because I could not work, I might as well focus on healing this aspect of myself and at least being open to having the chance to have a real relationship and trying to understand what all the fuss is about.  Before, I never really knew what to do with having a guy around me 24/7.  I guess I could ask, “So you’re a guy, and how’s that going for you?” Now I would have to learn to get used to it.  I would have to see if I confused being alone with being free.  Goose also helped bring our family closer together.  It is funny because I travel the world doing this for people and now here was someone doing it for me. 

The next few days were really hard.  We were fighting because of the Miracle Mineral Supplement (MMS) health cleanse.  We were really experiencing each other at our worst.  MMS does not just cleanse the body but the mind and emotions, and it all comes up and out, even your worst fears.  MMS should be thoroughly explored before you take it because it is some powerful stuff.  It is mainly for people who have serious illnesses.  If you do choose to take it for a cleanse, then work yourself up to no more than five drops per day and then stop.  Everyone’s body is different.  Mine cannot handle much of the stuff. 

Goose and my mom started to become threatened with each other.  Goose knew I would not leave my family, like my family was once trying to take me away from him, while my mom was becoming afraid that Goose would take me away from her.  Their fears were staring them in the face, and rather than take responsibility, they pointed fingers.  I did my best to reassure them, but they never did bury this hatchet.  But this made me realize that one day I would leave the nest to make my own.  It is something I do not like to think about. 

Chapter 11: To Toronto Pronto! 

OK, we can fast forward here to where we left off from my last blog, the middle of February.  We still had not found a place, and the court case was April 6th.  Goose was in touch with his family back home in Toronto and was most concerned about his father’s health.  His father was getting worse and worse, not just in his health but also in his financial affairs, which were being mismanaged.  Goose started having nightmares about things happening to his father all because he was not there but rather here with my family.  He stayed up that night contemplating what he could do.  

Goose started thinking about the things he was learning from me and his resources on healing combined that with the Conscious Planet products.  He thought that with a bit of his dad’s money, he might really be able to help him.  He could explain to his family how this could help his father, and maybe they would be willing to help him do this.  This would be tricky because Goose’s family was not so close with him.  So this also meant burying the hatchet.  He had to get their permission.  It took a bit, but it turned out he did get permission with his family to try his idea and see if it worked.  That meant he would have to go to Toronto and see his father.  It was going to be hard for Goose to see such a powerful man in a carehome and not be able to walk or talk.  There was so much for him to do and deal with.  He felt he could not do it alone.  He said to me, “I need your support.  I need you by my side,” so he asked if I could come with him.  We would have to leave for Toronto pronto.  This was towards the last week of the month of February. 

I said, “Goose, are your crazy?  I cannot leave my family so close to the end of the month.  They want us out.  Nor can I afford a trip down there, especially during the Olympics.  It will be too pricey, and there is no way I am using my donation money.  That money is going only to the move.” 

Goose said, “But we booked a case.  That means they cannot do anything until April, and as for money, I knew you would say that, so I decided to ask my family.  They have given me a small budget.  I think I could put your ticket in there if they could understand how important it is for you to come.  You are a healer, after all.  You could help him.  You could advise my family.  You could show them how you speak to people’s souls, even if they are not coherent, like how you work with people when they are dreaming.” 

“OK then, Goose.  If your family will do this, then I will.” 

“This is my one chance to somehow make things right with my family, Jess, and my father.  I will not be able to do this later either because your mom will be leaving for Spain soon.  We will have to be here when she is gone, so it is now or never while I have a window of time.  Come on, Jess.  It is my father, and he is suffering.”

I looked at Goose.  His eyes said so much.  He looked like a little boy, and I recall being so proud of him and so moved by him in that moment.  He helped us so much, and now it was my turn to help him not by doing any work, just some explaining, and by just being there for him.  I did want to find a way to repay him for his help, and here was my chance, so I said “yes.”  Also, this decision told me that he cares more about his father than his money because if his dad does pass, then he would inherit a good deal of money.  I was impressed with this gesture.  You can really get to know someone’s heart by living with them. 

I could not tell anyone about my trip for many reasons.  One was I knew from the beginning that are our landlords were reading my blogs and facebook.  They knew every move I made.  I could not let them know this one.  I always wrote my blogs with them in mind reading it.  I had fun droping hints and there were many things they did not figure out.  They could not crack the Jessica code.  The other reason was because this was an experiment.  We did not know if what we were about to attempt with his family and father would work.  I did not want to write about it unless we had some results.  Also, if people knew I was in Toronto, they might want me to meet up with them.  This trip was not to be social but strictly business, though I was given one day of social fun to contact one friend in that area.  I chose my friend, Al Horan, because I knew it would be good for Goose to meet him.  I knew Al would not judge him or say I ought to be with a lightworker, someone who fully understands this side of me.  (Gus note: I DO. I’m just so scared of it and where I fit into it.  Will I ever think of myself as good enough for you and all your soul family?) 

It did hurt me to think the man I am with does not understand the most important part of me.  What about the promise I made to myself?  Won’t this affect my mission?  Can I allow this?  What about balance, though?  Isn’t he helping me with other things like being grounded and bringing some of my projects to fruition?  It does not mean anything if the spiritual understanding is not there.  It has to be there in intent.  He did not understand how important it is to monitor one’s thoughts, focus, direction, and the motives behind it all.  (G note: I was learning this.)  The smallest of the small counts in a monumental way in the psychic realm that is beyond human sight but laced in human plight and light.  Could I bear being with someone who did not grasp this?  Could that affect my frequency?  Yes, it could.  Was it worth it?  (G note: I feel it was just a matter of time before this would have no weight on you.) 

This was weighing on me like heavy bricks, especially when he asked an astrologer about us.  The astrologer said, “Goose, you guys make a dynamic, synergistic team.  Your standards are so high that you scare people away, and you make them feel like they are not good enough because you are seeking someone who is so unusual.  With Jessica you have found that someone. You want to know best someone who keeps your interest. All your life you have been looking for a goddess.  You found a real live one, but there is nothing you can do to keep her, not money, or faithfulness, or the most romantic gestures because she cannot be bought or won over with lavish gestures.  Also, you are a red rose/indigo, and she seems to be more inclined to want a white rose/crystal.”  (G note: What we want and what we need to experience are two different things.  You never pictured yourself with me, and I never pictured myself with you.  We never get what we want because we need to experience certain things that we are most afraid of.  You got me, and I was transforming. Now I feel like an indigo who was transforming into a crystal.  Now I am stuck and tormented between both worlds.)   

This astrologer’s reading reminds me that Mort once read my soul and said I was a goddess.  My response was, “I could care less what I am. I care more about what I can do because no matter what you are, you can always do something.”  (By the way, I think everyone is divine, and so everyone is a god or goddess, yet I do not feel comfortable with these terms. Our godhood connection comes when we are in awareness and pure intent.) 

Getting back to Goose, I think the astrologer’s news really hurt him, but Goose decided to prove the astrologer wrong by trying to become a white rose or by converting me into a red rose.  If that transformation could not happen, he felt that a red rose offered a white rose balance, which might be better for me and my mission.

Goose is a major sweetheart.  He always surprises me with gifts.  For example, the first day in Toronto we were not able to see his dad or really work with his family, so he made plans to meet up with his friends for some advice on what he was about to do.  This friend happened to be the son to the owner of Marineland.  The place was closed for the season as Toronto was covered in snow, but that did not matter for his buddy.  Goose, Al, and I were welcome to come right in and enjoy the park all to ourselves.  It was a wonderful surprise and a very romantic gesture.  

My favorite beings I met at that place were definitely the beluga whales.  These beings are highly telepathic and so loving and playful.  I could not help but post some of my pictures with them on facebook, which ended up causing comments. Some wondered why did I not tell people that I was going to Toronto, and some said that I was not spiritual because I went to a marine park to play with captive animals, so I was supporting this practice.  

Of course this is not true.  From what I saw, these mammals are treated exceptionally well, and Gus mentioned that they are in one of the largest tanks in the world.  I care very much for the captive animals, but as it is right now there is not much I can do about it, but I am working towards that.  Rioting and not going to these places is not the way; rather, one should work with the consciousness of the all the people like I am doing.  And these belugas were so happy to see me, someone who understood them.  They love people, and we played that whole day.  They just kept coming back to play.  They even loved to pose cleverly for their photos, lining up side-by-side for a family reunion shot.  They could not get enough.  Even if they were in prison, that does not mean they could not have some guests and some fun in their life.  After all, we are in a kind of prison as well. 

Later that day, Goose took me to Niagara Falls, which I had not yet seen.  We were only there briefly because we were pressed for time and because it was so cold. 

The next days were focused on Goose’s family.  I was so excited to meet his mother.  I have always dreamed about meeting the parents of the man I was involved with.  It is important to me that everyone get along.  I wanted to help everyone communicate better or understand where the other was coming from.  His mother and I got along very nicely.  She liked me for her son.  She liked what I brought out of him. 

Shortly after that we went to see Goose’s father.  It was really hard to see Goose’s father in prison inside his own body.  You could see he had so much he wanted to be able to say.  He was not as far gone as many thought.  His energy brightened when he saw his son.  How long it had been and how he missed him was evident.  Goose held his father’s hand and tried to tell him what he was going to do.  I looked at father and son and thought about how his father used to take care of him and now he was taking care of his father.  There really was no difference.  We get a chance to play many parts in life.  I thought that if my dad were alive, would I be visiting him in a place like this right now? 

This was a very humbling time for all of us, knowing that this could be our future fate if we were not more conscientious with our health and human potential.  If people are not racing the clock to 2012, then it is our retirement center fate to spend the rest of our lives on many pills and much despair.  It is like living in an hourglass.  I am most certain this is not how it was meant to be.  (In biblical times, people lived for over 900 years.  What happened?  We might get seventy-five years of life if we are lucky to solve this riddle, and if we work collectively, then we have much more time.) 

About every ten minutes another patient would wander into our area with her loaded diaper permeating our breathing air.  She would not really say anything but would look straight into Goose’s eyes close up as if she were peering deep into his soul.  Goose was a little creeped out by her.  He thought she might start screaming and hitting him.  A nurse in the room said, yes, she does do that if a person’s thoughts are not good.  The resident, Iris, is very sensitive to people’s thoughts.  In my head I was thinking how the elderly’s consciousness mainly exists in the psychic realms.  It might be because they are always having NDEs and are so close to going back to whence they came.  They are connected to what they knew before they came to this planet, but like babies they cannot speak it.  (That’s funny. I just decided to just pick a name for her on the spot now that I am proofreading this.  I am thinking, wait a minute, Iris is a name for the part of the eye.  What a great name for someone who looks so deeply into someone’s eyes.  What a great unaware pun.) 

When Goose left to use the bathroom, his father got very upset, and I could have sworn I heard him say, “Where is my son? Where is my son?”  When Goose came back, I told him what I heard, and most of Goose’s family did not believe me because his father has not spoken in years.  Even the nurse who was in the room who before said, “Yes, I heard him say that” changed her mind when the family asked.  Then she said she thought he just mumbled.  Goose took me aside and said, “I believe you, Jessica.  When I was a young boy, he would say, ‘Where is my son? Where is my son?’ in those exact words.  Not once, but twice.  You said he said it twice, right?” 

He will get better, Goose.  You are right.  You are the one to help your father, and he knows it.  Also, there is so much fight in him.  He is not wanting to go anytime soon, but we must do something about his diet, and his gut is bloated.  That’s not good.  Also, we have to get him out of this place.  There is too much death and despair in the air. 

Right before leaving, I got some more time alone with his father, and I decided to sing to him.  Goose walked in and overheard it and was very touched by this gesture.  On the way out, I saw that other residents were watching the Sound of Music, and the movie was just at the part where they start to sing Do Re Mi, etc.  I decided to sing along with this.  The residents came to life and their eyes went wide as saucers, like little kids clapping along.  They asked, “Are you from a school?”  I said, “No, why?”  They said, “Because it is only when the school choir comes in that anyone sings to us.  It is not very often, either, but oh how we look forward to someone singing to us.” 

I am also happy to report that Goose did make some progress with his family, and arrangements are being made to make a better health plan for his father and for his family.  Will it work?  We will have to wait and see. 

The last day in Toronto, we went to a Ringing Cedars distributor.  Goose had to pick up 200 cedars for some friends back in Vancouver. 

Then later that day, I was introduced more to Goose’s world, seeing where he used to work and all his friends who worked in the stores near his.  I was really moved by how he took the time to befriend everyone, even the janitor, and it did not matter what beliefs they had.  He just loved to let them talk and help them feel good about themselves.  They all knew him and loved him.  Oh yes, Goose, you’re such a tough rough guy.  Righhhhhhht. 

This proves my point that all people—or even so-seeming demons—need is TLC in order to bloom.  (TLC is tender loving care and nonjudgment.)  This applies to even how they are when no one is watching.  Case in point: politicians behind the camera are smooth and compassionate, but when the cameras are rolling they are anything but, so I wonder what tough guys and baddies are like when no one is watching.  Are they doing kind deeds?) 

Chapter 12: The Bear in Spain 

Soon after we got back, Mom flew to Spain using her flight credit.  Because Goose and I were taking over the situation and Mom was just worrying/henning all the time, we felt it would be best to have her go and relax a bit with my friends, Ana and Jorge, who wanted the joy and pleasure of meeting my mom. They wanted to have some quality time with her.  They also hoped to learn more about food gardening.  Jorge and Ana see food gardening as a kind of silent revolution that will enable people to feed the own families, even in economically unstable times. Mom was in Spain for a total of three wonderful weeks. 

Mom said she was treated like royalty there when people found out she was my mom.  She also said the people there have the most long-winded hellos and good-byes!  When she told me this, I could not help but smile in the fond memories of this.  Ana took Mom to see a medical doctor who is also a homeopath to see if her headaches could be cured. Ana also gave her great massages and some special essences to address Mom’s spiritual issues. In return, Mom taught Ana and Jorge about gardening, and she got to witness Ana giving a talk about crystal and indigo energies and how to recognize them and cope with them.  I hear she did an incredible job, and I am very proud of her. 

Ana, I knew that you could do it.  I am glad you are using all of the public speaking skills you learned in your professional life.  I knew you would blow people away with your message.  Perhaps next time you and I will give talks together!  I would be most honored to do this with you.  I am also happy to hear you are organizing your own crystal school in Spain.  (Right now, Ana is organizing activities for crystal and indigo children—usually between three and ten children—in the afternoons. They paint mandalas and quantum light codes; they tell stories using the body and paint music and sing colors; they do gardening (planting sunflowers); and they dance under the sun.  Sometimes the children lead the activities, and at other times Ana leads them.  This kind of idea can be replicated anywhere.  It just takes a little local initiative.)  What a great idea!  If anyone wants to contact Ana and Jorge about this, they can be reached at info@indigocristal.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .  Also, their web site is

Jorge, I love the idea of you guys creating something like a freeman movement in Spain but with a smarter approach.  Of course I can help with this. I also have a few contacts I can bring to the table. 

Thank-you for looking after my mom while she was in your country.  I am so grateful for this.  Because of you guys, she had a wonderful time and came back more confident and better able to understand me and what I am about. 

Chapter 13: Mother Goose 

A few days prior to my mom’s return, the cow jumped over the moon, and then Goose’s mom arrived for a healing quest with some of my contacts.  I asked her to stay at our house.  Sure, the more the merrier!  But everyone under our small roof all on Miracle Mineral Supplement is not such a good idea. 

So we made a wise decision: no more MMS, at least not right at that time.  I could only take five drops anyway before I got sick.  I think MMS is best for people who are seriously ill, or for people who want to clear their slate of health, but only five drops per day max for a week. 

I asked Goose’s mom about our landlord situation and how she sees it because she is a landlord back in Toronto.  I wanted to know if I was in the wrong in any way regarding Steve’s fundraiser.  If we were her tenants, would she do the same thing that our landlord did?  She said, “I would have given you one more chance.  If you did it again, then I would say, ‘OK, this is not working.’  I know you guys would not let something like that happen again, so no, I do not think you were in the wrong.  Also, if it were my kid, I would have done the same thing.  I would rather have my kids have their good times under my roof where I knew they were safe rather than someplace else where I might not see them again.  And now all you are doing is looking out for your family’s best interest.” 

On the night my mom was coming home, Goose got really upset and decided to leave for the airport to catch a flight to Toronto.  He was upset with his mom and hurt with me because I told him honestly that I was still not sure about him being my life partner.  I said to him, “Let’s just take it one day at a time rather than speak about forever.”  This was hard for him to hear, so he decided to just go because it was too painful for him to be near me and know the truth about how I felt.  Plus, the prospect of having both his mom and my mom around to irritate him was too much for him.  

I was even more upset with his decision because he promised he would stay until we moved.  The case was looming ahead, and we still had not found a place.  Well, how can I stay with a guy who always wants to run when things do not go his way?  (G note:  This was my biggest character flaw. This was because I was insecure.)  It was not fair to let him think about long-term plans with me if I was not feeling the same, even though I tried to.  I also know how a person can change when someone agrees to be forever with them.  They can start taking each other for granted.  We do it to our family all the time, so it is only a matter of time until we start to do it to each other. 

No sooner did he pack his bags and take off than my mom called to be picked up from the bus stop.  So Goose’s mom and I went to pick up my mom, and right after we got her, Goose called us saying he needed to be picked up at the airport.  There were no flights available, and there was nowhere he could go, so could we please just take him home?  He would look for a flight in the next few days.  (G note: I should have just gone for a walk, but I was not thinking rationally.  I packed my bags to leave for the city, and now I was in the city and wanted to pack my bags and leave for the country.  That was me trying to push you away.  I was running from me, not you.  I was trying to run away from my own fears.  I’m trying to work on what my priorities are in life so that I can stand strong on my own two feet.) 

So we went and picked up Goose, and then he and I went for a walk and talk.  He said, “I would never just leave you in a jam, though I said that at the time.  It is just that I needed some space.  I mean, we have been cooped up with each other 24/7 for three months straight now.  That is more than most married couples see each other.  And Jess, we are both getting to know each other when we are at our worst.   I am in war mode, and you are on sabbatical dropping your frequency so you will be able to keep your body when the frequencies get really high.  Our moms are getting under my skin.  You say you are giving me a chance, but I do not really think this is a fair chance.  I want to see what we would be like if we had privacy and not dealing with all this stuff.” 

I agreed that he had a good point.  But this is also the best way to get to know someone because most of us try so hard for the other to only see us at our best, but as soon as they see the bad, they go into shock and then switch into defence mode.  At least we know what each other is in for and how it will be when the chips are down.  Well, we still have some time.  Let’s see what we can make of it.  And the dish ran away with the spoon. 

Chapter 14: The Name of the Game 

A few days later, Goose and I went to go look at a place for rent, and on the way back we got pulled over by the police.  Now for a long time Goose was telling me about our rights, something similar to the freeman movement but not quite.  I tried to share some of this at my talk in Spain.  He told me all the ways to handle the cops, like the time they came to our house to harass us.  Goose told me to pull out a video camera.  “And whatever you do, do not give your name,” he said.  He told me, “You have to be very careful what you say to them because what they mean by certain words and phrases and the meanings of words you are taught in school are not the same. For example, if they ask if you understand something and you say “yes,” you are agreeing that you are under their rules and their game, and now they have full power over you.  There is a lot of power and money in our names, and most people do not know how others profit off of our name.  That is why I copyrighted and trademarked my name and sign all my documents that way.  Never keep your “person” (ID in capitals) on you.  You are not that person; rather, you have a person.  It’s all a game and ties into your bond.” 

Now talking or reading about this is well and good, but it is a different story when you are with someone trying it out first hand.  So when we were pulled over, we did not have to speak.  I knew exactly what he was going to do, but I sure hoped he would not. 

The cop came to our window, and Goose locked all our doors and only opened his window a small crack.  The police officer asked for him to roll it down more.  Goose said, “I can hear you just fine.”  

This annoyed the officer, but he continued, “I pulled you over because you were speeding…. Oh, what’s this?  And you are not wearing your seat belt either.”  

Goose said, “I was not speeding.” 

The police officer replied, “Yes you were.”  

“How do you know?” Goose asked, staying cool as a cucumber. 

The police officer, getting somewhat annoyed, said, “I saw you with my eyes.” 

“Oh really?” Goose said.  “When was the last time you got your eyes checked?”  

I was thinking, “Oh no, Goose, you did not just say that.  You have some serious gumption.  I mean, who really says that to a police officer?” 

This annoyed the police officer even more, and he said, “Let’s see your ID, sir.” 

Goose said matter-of-factly, “I do not have it. I left it at home.” He was still calm and collected somehow.  He managed to stay this way through the whole thing. 

It was so really interesting because earlier that day I recalled seeing his ID out on the counter.  It just stood out like it was highlighted, and I looked at his picture thinking, “Man, he looks like a scary thug in this picture.”  I do not know why I just looked at his picture and not his name.  This was all a foreshadowing of things to come. 

Then the police officer asked, “What is your name, sir?”  

“It is Gus,” he said.  

“What’s your last name?” asked the officer. 

Goose said, “It is just one word, Gus, like the singer Cher.” 

So the officer turned to me and asked me, “Is this your boyfriend?”  

“Yes,” I said.  

“And what is his name?” asked the officer. 

I said, “Gus.”  

“What’s his last name?” asked the officer again. 

I said, “I do not really know how to pronounce it. It’s Cypriot. I have no idea how to spell it, either. I think there is an ‘o’ with a line through it.” 

“So what are you doing with a guy and you do not even know his name?” asked the officer. 

“His last name is different and too hard to pronounce,” I said (which is true).  I think his name is Koos Moose or Goose Moose or something like that, so I just call him Gus.”  (He gave himself this nickname from the fat mouse in Cinderella, Gus.  He was so skinny as a child.  He thought if he called himself after Gus the mouse, that he would become fat like him.  Alas, it never happened.) 

So they asked for my ID. I told them, “I do not have it on me either.”  

They asked me, “What is your name?”  

I said, “My person’s name is Jessica.” 

The police officer turned his attention back on Goose.  It seemed to be a pride thing to this officer, who said, “Get out of the car.”  Goose did not listen, so the cop started screaming, “Get out of the car!”  Still Goose did not budge, so the cop called for back-up.  I started to get nervous that they might pull out a gun or something, so I decided to get out of the car, but Goose did not move.  

The other cops asked me a bunch of questions, and I did my best to answer them.  They said, “If he is not giving his name, then he could be a criminal trying to hide his identity from us.  Why else would he not give his name?  The fact that he is not giving his license tells us that he could be driving without a license, which means we might have to impound the car.  He is not being cooperative.  We can put him away for a long time for obstruction of justice.” 

I said, “He is no criminal.” 

“How do you know?” they asked. “You do not even know his real name!” 

I said, “Look, guys. He is not a criminal.  He just knows the law and his rights real well, things that you guys were not even taught.  He is using this chance to put it to the test.  Please do not take our car.  We live in the middle of nowhere, and it is our only car.  We need it.  We have to find a new place to live ASAP.  And please, don’t take him to jail.  We need him to help us with this housing situation.  It is only a few days away now.” 

But the cops did not believe me, and so when Goose finally got out of the car for me, they cuffed him, but they made it like he was violent, even though he did not resist at all or try to fight back.  Goose said, “I have hurt no one.  Why are you treating me like an animal?”  Goose was very peaceful and spoke very calmly all the way through.  

They said, “You are not being compliant, so we are not sure about you.”  

Goose said quickly and firmly, “Yes, but you are pushing me to get violent with you like you want some reason to put me away.  You were harassing and threatening me.  I am not driving without a license.  I am traveling, and it is legal to travel without a license.  And now you say you are arresting me, but what you are really doing is kidnapping me.” 

They said to Goose, “You are going to get a big ticket for this.”  

And Goose replied, “Go ahead, but I guarantee you will be the one paying for it.” Goose looked at my face from the back of the police car.  He could see I was upset.  He poked his head out of the window and said, “Jess, call Irene.” 

My mom was called to take the car because she was the owner of the vehicle, and she was also questioned and asked about Goose’s real name, but she, too, did not know, which further annoyed the cops.  On my way home I wondered what everyone would think about my boyfriend being arrested all because he would not give his name. 

Back at home, I told Goose’s mom what had happened, and she said, “Good, this will teach him a lesson.”  Then we looked for Goose’s ID all over the house but could not find it anywhere.  I said, “I have to call Irene.  He knows she will be able to help.  I sure hope she can.  They talked about locking him up for a long time.”  (G note: They were trying to scare me.  It is an intimidation tactic to get me to play right into their hands.) 

A few hours later the cops phoned and said, “Come and bring this guy home. We are letting him go. We finally got his name from his mother.  It was hard to pronounce and spell.  There is nothing on him.”  

When we went to pick him up, Goose told me how he just sat and meditated in jail, and when he got out, he spoke to the chief and other officers, schooling them all.  He explained to them how the system of law and our rights really work.  There were actually a few police officers he managed to get through to.  Of course, the officer who brought him in was not impressed at all.  He was upset.  He really wanted to throw the book at him. Goose was given a speeding ticket.  

(G note:  If people try to do this on their own, THEY WILL ONLY GET IN TROUBLE IF THEY DO NOT HAVE A GREAT CONVICTION OF WHO THEY ARE.  If you don’t know who you are, then how can you properly defend yourself with trained professionals possessing guns?  You have to make clear distinctions of the situation and ask the right questions.  Better yet, do not get into a conflict at all. I have now learned a better way to deal with police officers–nonresistance.  If I have to deal with them again, which I’m sure I will, I will be nice as I can and accept the ticket.  It’s all how you administer your affairs.  There are many creative ways to do this.  You can conditionally accept the ticket, or you can accept the ticket for value and return it for value.  The main thing is that you are dealing with a human, and they will respond.  The police officers that I was dealing with were just responding to the way I was treating them.  They will respond to me being a smart ass. They will respond to a baseball bat in the knee. They will also respond to love. The fact is, they will respond, so don’t try to create conflict. Getting arrested is very counterproductive, so try to avoid it.) 

As Goose was regaling everyone with his story, everyone was so proud of him, but not me.  I was livid with him.  I refused to even look at him.  He said, “Oh come on, Jess.  Are you not at least happy that those officers learned something today?  I told you I could do it.” 

“Yes you did, Goose, but you were lucky.  They could have had something on you.  I had your ID in my purse the whole time, which I didn’t know.  What if they had found that?  I could have gotten in trouble.  Why would you hide it in my purse and not tell me?  We were looking everywhere for your ID for the cops.  Was it all worth it just to be right?  What if you did not have Irene or your mom to help you?  They almost took our one car away.  They almost took you away for a long time.  You were speeding, and that is dangerous.  (G note: A little bit. Come on. I wasn’t being reckless or dangerous.)  You chose not to wear your seatbelt, knowing that my sister passed away from her drunk friend’s driving.  Neither my sister Melissa nor her friends were wearing seatbelts that night.  How could you risk me and my family like this so close to the case?  How do you expect us to work when you do things like this?  (G note: I promise to never put you in a situation like this ever again. It’s like it was meant to happen. I spoke about this so often. It was just a matter of time.)  I know you needed to experiment with this to see if it worked, and I would have been fine if you had done it at any other time.”  

Then after finishing with my third degree on him, I said, “But yes, I am proud of you.  Your courage is admirable. You kept your cool through the whole thing, and some officers might even have gone through a paradigm shift.  The more police officers there are who understand this, the better.  I mean, you even got the chief!  Well done, and I can share this with others.  I am sure it will be of value to them.  At the very least, they will get ‘free’ on their tickets.”  (G note: I can teach what has to be written on the back of the tickets to return it for value on lawful excuse. Contact Goose at envisable@hotmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .) 

“But Jess,” Goose offered, “I have changed so much.  I mean, I used to be in car chases with my supra. I was always speeding and egging them on.  Oh, it was so fun!  That car was way faster than the cop cars.” 

“Righhhhhhht, Goose,” I said with no small amount of disbelief.  Fun, I am sure…sounds more like a heart attack!” 

Well Goose, I have to say that you’re a piece of work, and dating you is not for the faint of heart.  You sure keep a woman on her toes.  Never have I had so much drama and stress in my life since meeting you, which is funny because you came into the picture to help relieve our stress.  It is easy to get mad at you but hard to stay mad.  What am I going to do with you?” 

Chapter 15: The Case and the New Place 

The case turned out not to be a big deal.  The landlords really did not have a strong case at all. They just wanted us out of there, and that was fine because we all wanted out of there too.  Who wants to be somewhere they are not wanted?  I mean, the whole purpose of the case was to just buy time, as I shared in my previous blog, so knowing the landlords read them, I do not understand why they were so surprised unless they thought I was bluffing.  Not on my blog!  It turned out we found a place a place a few days after Goose’s mom left, so we said, “Give us to the end of the month and we will be out of there.”  They did not believe that either.  We said, “Look, we have the arbitrator here as a witness.”  (It’s funny how the word arbitrator has a part that sounds like traitor in it.)  Because we both came to an agreement, that was it.  The case was done.  It was very brief. 

We did the move in two days.  I rented a U-Haul for all the big heavy stuff and got some of Steve’s big strong friends from the fundraiser to help the second day.  My friend lent her pickup truck and helped us move Moms’ plants.  There were seven trips just for the Bear’s plants. Our landlord was watching us from his field, circling with his tractor and trying to make it look like he was working.  Righhhhhhht. 

The move was a great success, and we had lots of fun laughing the day away. I am sure those hearty laughs echoed out into the field.  I am grateful to our friends for helping us get out of that old place and getting us to a better place to call home. 

I think what I will miss most about the place is that silly rooster that wakes everyone up at 5 a.m. (Napoleon, not Reap-A-Cheep, who is Napoleon’s woman) and the hairy ass that eats grass (Patario).  But I am fine now with our parting as I have grown weary of living near an ass.  OK, I am just being cheeky now, or maybe I am being a mirror. 

When we were looking for a new place, our future landlady recognized me immediately from when I was a little girl and went to her store with my dad.  She remembered him too.  She even knew my best friend, Melissa.  We told her about the mold at the other place and how our roof blew off and the difficulty we had with our previous landlords. 

She asked Goose and I, “Do you want the place?”  And we said, “Yes, we sure do!”  Of all the places we looked at, this really was the best one in price and looks.  It was the last place we had on our list, and it was the one.  It could not have been more last minute!  I was beginning to think if we did not find a place soon that I might take some twigs and dirt and make a nest like the birds do.  I watched how their nests blew in the windstorm and somehow they stayed intact with no problem.  If a bird can make one of those, surely we could too. 

This new place is bigger than the place we were at before and comes at a better price.  Everything here is brand new.  We have been doing laundry nonstop to get all the mold out of our clothes and sheets.  There is no mold anywhere here.  The place smells fresh, and the vibe is like a brand new baby.  Mom had her best sleep ever here.  The landlady even painted part of my area green when she learned how much I love the color! 

She was most happy to have a tenant who was a gardener because she was going to hire one to teach her about growing a garden.  This place is also in an area that is close enough to get to Steve’s school.  The landlady has also looked at my web site and some of my videos.  She finds my stuff interesting.  

But the coolest thing about this place is that it has two bathrooms!  That is a big deal when everyone has to go at the same time. (I am kidding. That is not the coolest part, but it is one of them.)  The coolest part is that not only do I have my own room, I also have my own living room and bathroom.  In other words, I have my own private suite for working and not being disturbed while I am making videos.  

Mom and Steve decided that I should have this space because of all the sacrificing I did in an older apartment.  It only had two bedrooms.  I let Steve and Mom have the rooms, and I slept in the living room, but Mom would bang pots and pans at 6 a.m.  Because I am a night owl and like to eavesdrop off the moon’s secrets, that did not work.  I could not sleep with Mom because she is, uh, let’s say a loud sleeper, and I could not sleep in Steve’s bunk bed because he would play silly video games all night.  Having no choice, I set up my bed in the bathtub.  No sooner had I done that than someone came in and polluted the place, to which I yelled, “Nothing is sacred!”  So I guess I now have good space karma if you want to call it that. 

As for the two friends who were planning to help me with a long-term living situation on a vineyard, they have been delayed coming out.  I will let you know when they arrive and what transpires. In the meantime, I am fine.  My friends can take all the time they want because I am comfortable here. 

I know, though, that I have you guys and Goose to thank for this new place.  All your prayers, love, and support brought it about.  I could not have done it with all of you. 

Chapter 16: My New Health Plan 

Now we move onto my health.  I have made some changes in my health regimen since my last blog because then I was just at the beginning stages.  I had yet to really try any of it to know what was best for me and how exactly to take it.  My first major change was to discontinue using a healer simply because our health should really be our own responsibility. 

It was important not to rely on anyone to get healthy, not even on Goose or my mom because I could potentially become lazy.  What if neither of them were around?  What would I do?  If you want something done, you have to do it yourself, at least when it comes to health.  So I decided to educate myself as much as I could about my body. 

First off, where to start?  Well, we need to know what health troubles we might be having or what our body might be lacking.  Some go to a psychic healer to see what is going on inside their body and then take their advice what to do. (I did do psychic healing on myself to know what I needed to address.)  My feeling is to get an intuitive opinion if you feel so inclined, but to cover all bases and get your live blood tested and your eyes checked.  After all, the eyes are the gateway to the soul, as our lady Iris at the retirement center demonstrated.  By getting eyes checked, I mean iridology because your eyes and blood do not lie.  They have no profit agenda.  These two things should give you the lowdown on what is going on with your body and what you should focus on. 

If you want do more than that, then pee in a cup and spit in another cup and test with pH strips or tape to see how alkaline or acidic you are.  (Ideally, you should be slightly on the alkaline side, around 7.3 to 7.4 on the pH scale.)  You can also get a checkup at the doctors.  I did that to just to see what they found, but that does not mean you need to follow any of their treatments. 

I learned that the most important thing to address is the colon, which is where many diseases begin.  A disturbing fact I came across is that John Wayne and Elvis Presley both had huge amounts of fecal matter in their body.  Elvis had thirty pounds and John had fifty pounds.  You know that saying, you’re full of shit?  Where do you think it comes from? We really are full of it.  No wonder our personalities mirror what is going on inside us, projecting out of our mouth.  Can you imagine having fifty pounds of poo in you?  Eww!  Get it out!  Get it out!  It is very important that everyone does colonics and cleanse as much of their colon and to do this again at least every six months.  After the colon cleanse, it is a good idea to take lots of probiotics

I also learned that often there are parasites or worms in our bodies, which can be confirmed with lab testing.  Most of the time that “I am hungry” feeling is due to parasites and worms living in the digestive tract.  So it is important to deal with these guys first and foremost, or you will never get anywhere, and anything healthy that you do eat will not go to your body but to the parasites.  (It sounds like the Illuminati. The body works hard, and it should get the good nutrition, but no, the parasites take it all for themselves and share none of it.  What they do give back is mostly polluted, so here we have another mirror.) 

It would be really wise to learn as much as you can about the body, each organ, and what their jobs are.  When you know what their jobs are, you then will know their needs.  (The brain loves DHA found in fish oil; the liver loves milk thistle; the bowel loves fiber-rich foods; etc.)  Then you can focus on each organ and other parts of the body every week.  You can choose a different part and lavish your attention and gratitude on it and do something just for that part, what it likes and needs the most.  

I got this idea from my best girlfriend’s Oscar-like awards ceremony.  We even got a red carpet.  We did this to say thanks to the most influential people in her life.  She told me she got this idea from me, but I somehow forgot.  I said this to her, and she said, “I remember exactly where you said this.  We were hiking Grouse Mountain.  You were telling me how people are so amazing, and they do not give themselves any credit for it.  I mean, life is so hard, and here we are doing the best we can, even helping others along the way.  Someone should really just give people an award or flowers or something and just thank them for being themselves and doing the best they can with what they are given.  We should honor everyday people, not silly celebrities.  All people really need is appreciation in order for them to bloom.” 

Now think of your body.  How would you like to be one of your organs, and your boss works you 24/7 without pay or appreciation?  Wouldn’t you do a shitty job?  Excuse the pun.  Again, it is another mirror.  If you take care of and appreciate your employees, they will do a better job and treat the customers better.  To me, there is no difference between the words conscious and appreciate. 

I have a good health book to recommend that helps you work best with your body.  It is called Conscious Health, by Ron Garner.  (If you go to this hyperlink, you can download the first chapter for free.)  It is the winner in the “Best Health and Healing” category of the 2007 Nautilus Book Awards and even cellular biologist Bruce Lipton has a testimonial on this book. 

We are also now taking glutathione, the “mother of all antioxidants, the master detoxifier, and the maestro of the immune system.” 

I have decided not to go with the Kangen Water or Life Ionizers because both are just too expensive.  I did some research and found something called Santevia water that is alkaline and mineralized and is under $200 dollars.  The filter needs to be replaced every two years.  Now that is much better deal! 

When we started on some products, we all noticed a difference immediately.  My mom and Gus’s mom both started to feel better.  So far, it has been a few weeks since Mom has had a headache.  I am not one to become a commercial, but I did promise to myself that if I came across something that helped her, I would let the world know.  Right now, it is still too early to tell if these products will help my mom fully—so far, so good—but she still has a long way to go.  I have seen her mental and emotional health dramatically improve.  She has more energy and excitement for life.  I have been trying for years to get her to see life this way.  She also has a lot more energy, and her pain is substantially decreasing, but she does still jerk in bed.  I can speak for Goose’s Mom, Goose, and some other people who are on the products and are most impressed as well. 

I know I have felt really good, and because I knew what I needed to focus on with my health, and I can tell you that my health is back on par.  My adrenals and thyroid are back at full gear.  My energy is back, and I am ready to work again.  I can tell everyone that I, Jessica, am officially off my sabbatical and back to projecting myself out to everyone in waking and dream time.  Can you guys feel me?  Can you guys feel a difference?  Do not worry. I will not get drained this time because I have created balance in my life. 

I also stumbled across these warehouses that sell certified organic products and produce.  I am saving over 85 percent on our grocery bill.  If anyone lives in the lower mainland of BC, contact me and I will send you the information about these places. 

Before starting the Conscious Planet program, it is recommended (but not necessary) to speak to one of Conscious Planet’s intuitives on the best way to take the products for you.  I videotaped one of the readings, and because it was really unique, I thought it would be neat to share. What they do is dowse the soul matrix with the pendulum down to the detail about what exactly is going on with the body and the origins of the disease.  Some of the answers would surprise you.  For some, their illness was from ancestors and their exposure to a toxin that happened generations ago.  Or it could be a past life thing or something that happened when you were younger that you just forgot about, or it could be a toxin you were exposed to.  It is pretty neat.  I will soon post the video so you guys can see it.  To see what the assessment sheet looks like, go here

I haven’t done this session.  Instead, I have been speaking to Charles N. Holmes, the President of Conscious Planet products.  (See his bio here.)  Charles is not a healer but someone who freely makes suggestions regarding health.  I came across his videos and was very impressed by his drive, sincerity, and integrity.  Here is his seven part video called the Cause and Removal of Disease

When I met Charles in person, we quickly became friends.  This guy is hardcore when it comes to health, and he tests and lives out everything he talks about, like me.  He even made a commitment to live off only his products for months.  Although he is in his forties, his physical body is that of an eighteen-year-old, while Goose’s mom is in her fifties and has the physical body of a seventy-year-old.  This can be determined by one’s pH reading.  Charles says, “My interest is results, and I have a Ph.D. in that.” 

Conscious Planet operates with a multi-level marketing or network marketing approach.  Charles says, “Network marketing ideally is the opposite of sales.  It is membership buying with the opportunity to create income from referrals, unlike stores that only take your money and give you a special price once in awhile on certain products.  The bottom line is we share the opportunity for anyone to partner with us and share profits.”   

Charles goes on to say, “MLM is a business model, just like bartering is a model, traditional store fronts, manufacturing is a model, franchising, pratitioners, etc. Most of them have several or multiple levels of payout to those involved. What MLM does is level the playing field and give everyone of any background or education who is involved…a way to make more money than working as an employee by duplicating yourself and time invested.” 

I want people to know that I am not into multi-level marketing programs.  I even wrote about my past experiences with them in a December 2008 blog called Next Step.  I am not about to use all my contacts to get you buy some product so I can enrich myself with some scheme.  This is not the case.  No one has to buy the products and then be pressured to sell them.  These products happen to be what work for me, and I am simply sharing them.  I do not want to be nervous to share because it has elements of multi-level marketing or that you might think I am selling you something to prosper off of you.  

There are lots of articles and useful information on Charles’s site that are free and many ways around the products if you see fit.  Another thing you can do is e-mail Charles.  This guy really knows his stuff and will know where to point you in the best direction.  If you are interested in e-mailing Charles, you can reach him at charlesnholmes@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . 

Keep in mind these products are not a life dependency thing.  They are meant as a treatment for maybe a year or two, but after that it might be hard to go back to previous ways.  Your body will have changed dramatically by then. (G note: I don’t think I can go back to not having these products and this type of education.  They make me feel beyond what I can describe.  It’s like I was driving a shitty car my whole life and now my body feels like a Ferrari.  I have never felt better in my life.  You will never know until you give this concept a try.  As hot is the extreme of cold, so this feeling is definitely the extreme of healthy living.  I support the products and so much more. The whole concept and consciousness of this product is so profound.  The multistep filtration process and the intent behind the making and creation of each product are unsurpassed.  I don’t have to prove to anyone that this product line is the BEST.  You need to experience it for yourself.) 

Thanks to Goose’s mom, I do not really have to pay for the products.  Every month I get residual product credits because she purchases such a large amount.  If you do want to sign up, you either have to use a referral number to get into the site (that is the multi-level marketing aspect) or you can e-mail customer support at mailto: %3Cscript language=%27JavaScript%27 type=%27text/javascript%27%3E %3C%21– var prefix = %27mailto:%27; var suffix = %27%27; var attribs = %27%27; var path = %27hr%27 + %27ef%27 + %27=%27; var addy90402 = %27support%27 + %27@%27; addy90402 = addy90402 + %27consciousplanet%27 + %27.%27 + %27net%27; document.write%28 %27%3Ca %27 + path + %27%5C%27%27 + prefix + addy90402 + suffix + %27%5C%27%27%2support@consciousplanet.netThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . This process gives you access to the official web site where you can purchase products. 

Charles is working very hard on making a retreat in Princeton, BC, which I am very intrigued with.  I may even consider living out there one day.  I think this has great potential that I would like to help develop.  This could be one of those safe spots that people are being inspired to create in certain parts of the world. 

Charles is also very much into helping people understand how the system really works, much along the lines of the things Gus was talking about when he got arrested.  Charles wrote a neat little article on how a loan from the bank really works that I have posted on my facebook notes and on my web site forum under shared articles. 

My routine upon awakening is to cut a lemon in half and make it into juice and drink it.  This alkalizes your body first thing.  Twenty minutes later I have a small cap of Genesis and a few drops of Hydralyte in water.  (These are Conscious Planet supplement names.)

Then I take two capsules of Colonyze, swish it in my mouth for nine minutes, and then swallow it.  This is a morning mouthwash to put warriors in the blood.  This is tasty and a pleasant experience. 

By late morning, I make myself a leafy green smoothie.  This has no Conscious Planet products in it, just water, acai berry juice, probiotics, and some greens (carrot greens, cucumber, zucchini, Swiss chard, lettuce, green cabbage, celery, beet greens, bok choy, celery, kale, spinach, or some stinging nettle).  I mix it all up in my blender, and it is mighty tasty.  I make sure that there is enough for three glasses, one glass each for Mom, Steve, and I.  There is also a little left over that is intended for the next thing I do in the mid- to late-afternoon. 

I take what is left from the last green smoothie, and I add water—maybe about three cups—and a little bit of acai berry juice, just a little bit.  Then I add two scoops of my favorite product, Transform (2 scoops per person), and Achiva, then a tablespoon full or five capsules of Catalyze.  Then I blend it all up, and I am good to go.  Transform can really fill you up. 

For dinner, I have a little bit of cooked food, sometimes a little bread or noodles along with a salad. I might sometimes have some lightly cook yams.  For a treat, I have some quinoa sushi along with avocado with agave and lemon.  This is a reward I give to myself if I can respond to thirty e-mails in a day. 

For snacks throughout the day, I have either a Conscious Planet bar or a Cliff bar (I get them for a dollar a box) or some craisins.  Steve likes them, too, so he can have a healthy snack at school. 

In the evening I might make a fruit smoothie with Shapeshift.  Fruit is best to have at night. 

My evening mouthwash consists of a tablespoon of the oil and ten drops of Defend.  I swish this in my mouth for as long as I can stand it and then I spit it out.  This is not a pleasant experience.  It tastes gross.  This process helps prevent any teeth or gum problems.  It also helps to pull the heavy metals from mercury fillings from the blood that make their way to the brain.  This process limits the harm from mercury.  My friend tried this when she was told that she had gum disease and that she would need an expensive periodontal procedure.  She said, “How about if I try my own thing and get back to you?”  When she got back to them, they found she did not have the gum problem anymore. 

Just before bed I might have a little bit of Colonyze but not always. 

I plan to keep this routine up for about eighteen weeks and then see where I go from there.  Usually when you reach eighteen weeks, you decrease the amount you are taking until you do not need to take it any more.  Maybe you can also take it on occasion if you need a tuneup. 

It took a few weeks of dedication to the products before I started to change my body’s response to food.  I am fast losing my cravings for potato chips and all other food I used to enjoy.  Restaurant food does not excite me at all anymore, nor does eating at my friends’ places.  Anything that is not natural my body seems to reject. 

We have also found a place called West Coast Seeds that sells organic seeds, which is not so easy to find nowadays. 

I have not yet done Bikram yoga, but I still plan to give it a try.  In the meantime, I am taking bike rides while I listen to the frogs serenade their ladies.

Health is not just paying attention to the physical body and monitoring what are we feeding our body, but also our mind, emotions, thoughts, and soul.  Is it self-sustainable food?  What are we feeding our soul? 

Chapter 17:  Letting the Goose Go and Fly 

A few weeks before moving into the place, Goose was having difficulty being with my family.   He could see our situation was drawing to an end.  He was half here and half somewhere else.  He had gotten more news about his father’s affairs, and I could see he was livid with the news.  This once again brought Goose into war mode.  

Even though he knows how much this thinking and talk bothers me, it is not a pattern that he can easily break. I knew that I cannot be with someone harboring such thoughts.  It could really affect my energy and my work, and if I have to choose between my mission and my man, I choose my mission.  We both knew that he needed to take care of this on his own.  I hoped that he would apply what he had learned from me and that I could apply what I learned from him.  Like the cruise ship experience, I lived a lot in a short amount of time with Gus.  I hoped he could learn that revenge and harboring such emotional pain was not the way to go.  This was his test.  This was his chance to make it right.  He needed to be there in Toronto with his particular tasks, and I needed to be here with my work.  I have been away from my work far too long.  We both knew that.  Our focus and values were not the same.  I felt that his being with me was holding him back.  He was dealing with my small stuff while his stuff was piling up back at his home.  

There was also a matter of his own inner work he needed to tend to.  But more urgently, there was also some business he needed to take care of in Cyprus.  (G note: We both know that we are going to be apart for the next four to six months. There is no use tying or holding each other down because this could stop our growth. We should believe in each other and support each other. Through love all things are possible.) 

Our paths might intertwine again.  We might even do projects together in the future, but it was clear that we both needed to be single now.  I still feel that we are not right for each other, but things change all the time.  Who knows?  Anything can happen, and I am open to that.  There is so much talk with him.  I want to see action.  I want him to show me what he will do with his life for the world and if he has learned from me.  I want to see him do this not for me but himself, so regardless of whether or not we get back together the world will benefit from his talents and potential.  This is just like what Anastasia asked of Vladimir.  I want to see him totally lost to his passion and his mission.  I want to see him do this not by just donating huge sums of money one day but by creating and implimenting his own ideas.  I know that by doing this he will really be able to fly.  If one person’s world values and dreams don’t fit those of another, then they should not hold onto them, trying to make the puzzle pieces fit where they will not.  We both need a clear head to do what we need to do.  

It was very hard to make this decision and even harder to stand my ground because I saw how much it hurt him.  Whenever anyone is in pain, I immediately want to comfort them, but this time I could not.  I had to stay firm not thinking about him holding me in his arms.  I felt like Mort did that the day he pulled the plug on our relationship, how shattered and devastated I was.  Now here I am doing exactly what he did, only not as harshly as he did it.  I could not help but feel both our pain.  We did take some time together to mourn our dreams of a probable life together and the kids we would never have.  (Goose really has changed so much.  He never wanted kids before with anyone.)

We laid it to rest and did our best to make peace with it so as not to have haunting ghosts. 

The theme of relationships and death of the old self has been haunting Gus. Lately, he wrote to me: “You are such an interdimensional hype exploding with limitless fractional energy levels…. You might think that I don’t know or don’t understand Jessica Mystic, but I do, more than you know. This is hard to explain, but I am overly-energetically compelled to live by you and your everything. Jessica Mystic scares me, for a big part of me has to die to be with you. My ego and I intentionally sabotage myself so that I can hold onto the old stories of Gus. Old Gus is like the bugs in our body that know they are getting killed with love and grace. New Gus is trying everything to break free of ever going down that road again.” 

We parted as friends.  There is still so much love between us because of moments frozen in time.  There was no resentment that often occurs at such a parting.  We are still communicating with each other and keeping each other updated on the current events in our lives. 

I am grateful for learning how to be a partner and feeling more like a woman.  What I miss the most are his warm embraces laced in grace.  It is nice to have someone by your side, someone to get annoyed with and then forgive.  I recall early on in our relationship, I learned some distressing news about my sister’s death that I did not know about.  At first, I stayed in the far corner of my room while he was on the other side of the room, but my body language gave away that I was suffering.  He asked me to look at him, and I did with my eyes starting to go red.  He gestured for me to come to his arms, but I declined.  He was wearing his best shirt, and I did not want to ruin it with my face leakage.  He said, “I do not care about this shirt silly.  Come here.”  And I did, and I just cried in his arms and soaked his shirt.  I loved how gentle and tender he was with me. 

We played a good deal, too, like little kids.  I would play games his mom used to play with him when he was a young boy.  Sometimes I hid all his socks so he had no choice but wear my cutesy girly socks, and sometimes I teased him about his perfectly chiselled eyebrows while mine ran wild, or I would tease him about his manicures and pedicures.    He taught me what the masters have been perfecting in their mystery schools: the ancient art of how to make a blue angel.  (That’s lighting your farts on fire, but you have to be careful because you can catch your shorts on fire.)  What was most amusing about this was that he did this right before I was about to read him Book Four of Anastasia, the part where she speaks about lighting your farts on fire, then laughs when Vladimir does not get it.  Truly she is a woman after my own heart. 

Another great memory we had was the time we were in Toronto, and we were annoyed with each other about something.  I think we had broken up yet again.  The tension in the air was so thick, and I was asking for help from my guides when all the sudden we saw we had driven to this serene area blanketed in snow.  Goose opened the sun roof for some reason that I cannot recall now, and all at once all this snow fell down our shirts and on our heads and faces.  We looked at each other covered in snow.  We both looked like Santa Claus, and we just burst out laughing and then jumped out the car to play in the snow like kids. 

I am grateful for my relationship with Goose because, as a result of our relationship, we made a good team and we have both changed for the better.  Goose is an incredible man, and I am very happy that I gave him a chance.  His love and devotion to me are very moving, not just to me but to other people who met us.  He always made other women envious of me just by his little romantic gestures and chilvary.  There is a lot more to this man than meets the eye.  It was difficult for me to let him go, but I did it for the both of us.  I knew it was the right thing to do even if he cannot see it now.  He will.  He needs to now learn how to stand on his own.  (G note: This is where I sigh.) 

If someone tries to hold onto me too tightly, I will most likely want to go off on my own.  If someone gets involved with me, they need to be able to let me go, like I will do for them if I feel the need to.  I will not want to come to him if I need him or anyone. I think this is neither fair nor the right reason to be with someone.  Neither do I want to be pushed into being with a person because everyone in my world says this is what I ought to do.  I would rather come to them because I want to be with them and nothing is making me or pushing me to it—only my heart’s certainty. 

When Anastasia was asked about how and why she came to love Vladimir or even choose him, she said that it was something that not even she knew or really understood how it came to be.  We cannot try to explain how it happens the way it does.  It just does.  It is the most mysterious and most beautiful thing.

Chapter 18: Next 

I have to admit that I am a little nervous to be single now.  I do not fully understand why people respond to me the way they do, or why the men of my past still are single.  This is not a good thing. I wanted to be an example of love, to fill their life with so much love that they could become love sufficient and able to share it with a nice girl, to bring joy to each other and nourishment for the world.  Pass on the love.  Do not let it make you bitter, thinking you will never love again.  This is a major crime.  This world does not need any more love poverty.  

We are all love containers.  It is up to us how much or how little we can dispense in every moment.  I want people to be able to go on with their lives, to not compare me to others they might meet.  It is not fair.  Every person has these qualities, only they are not aware of it until we show them or remind them.  How do I get people excited about their next relationship?  Why I am sharing this?  So many of us—whether we have been in a relationship or not—are just waiting and meeting others and comparing them to some ideal or some past experience.  Love can happen at any time, anywhere, and with anyone.  Lately, I have been getting thank-you notes from my friends who have found a wonderful loving partner through my facebook contacts.  I am thrilled about this as it keeps happening. I am honored to be able to bring others together in this way. 

As for the ones who have dreams of me being their love, this is not why I come to work in your dreams.  It is not a sign that I am your one.  I am showing you a love that you may spread to the world.  It does not matter so much if you have this with me as much as that you create this and anchor it in this world with as many people as possible.  It is the new trend for how our loving relationships will be.  My dreamwork is to be a model and example of this, and soon my waking life will model this.  We are here to help everyone grasp and achieve this. 

The most important thing, though, is not to contact others in hopes of a relationship.  People think too much about these things, trying to make them happen rather than just happening organically when least expected.  When we are so lost to our love of life and our dreams, then your future loved one psychically picks this up and is called to you.  There is no neediness here.  That is taken care of in the contentment of life and in contributing to the world’s and universe’s collective goals.  You can choose to wait or be open to the ones who can prepare you for your loved one while you do the same for them.  Now you are ready to be in a very fruitful productive relationship, and the seeds are planted in the healthy soil of soul fulfillment.  What you bring forth will accelerate the awakening process and bring forth even more enlightened souls. 

Everything we are doing and thinking right now in us and with our partner will determine what soul will come through us.  If we want a happy life, we must do what makes us happy and not wait for someone to make us happy.  We must teach ourselves how to be happy, how to sustain it, and then practice this with our partner, family, or friends. 

As for my own heart and dreams, I want to try Anastasia’s ideas and visions on how a relationship should go, from making love to having a wedding to raising a child.  I think it is worth exploring to see how it feels, if it works or not, or if it changes us for the better. I feel we should at least try it before we dismiss it as being too out-there.  For many people, Anatasia’s ideas are just not their cup of tea, but now so many people are becoming more conscious. I think these concepts will become easier to apply.  The man who I am to be with will fully understand this.  There will be no explaining or teaching on such things. 

I would like to merge my mission with having a family and make them one and the same.  I am pretty sure I can do this, but it might be a bit tricky at first.  I just know I do not want to get annoyed with my children for taking my time away from my mission, like how I think about having a partner right now.  I do not want anyone with me.  I am creating my life so that anyone who wants to share the path with me at the highest levels possible is more than welcome.  I don’t choose them.  They chose the path. 

I would like to see me or someone else taking this experiment on 100% with their partner, trying everything that Anastasia suggests and then somehow sharing the process with the public.  This could be done either via video reality series or with intimate blogs.  Talking and teaching “matters of the heart” would be far more successful if people were to witness it first hand.  People need to know this way of living can be a reality, not fiction.  I hope that any of you out there who are writing a fantasy or science fiction novel have the courage to call it truth and not fiction.  Too much truth hides behind the word fiction, and so we are robbed unless we know in our hearts that it is truth.  It is up to us to make it truth.  I feel this is another way to accelerate the birthing of heaven on earth, which includes living beyond our self-imagined limits. 

It is funny, but no sooner did I settle down here and start getting back to work than Jorge contacted me and said, “I got you a gig to speak in Madrid, Spain.  It is for June 19th.  Can you make it for early June?”    

I was surprised about the date and how soon it was.  I thought I was not going back to Spain until late July.  I did not know my mission would be calling me back so quickly. I just moved in.  I have only been here for a week-and-a-half.  No sooner had I written in my blog “I am officially off of sabbatical” than my mission came calling, and now I have to take off again.  Jorge said, “I also am looking into you doing some talks in Holland and Sweden.  I am sure you will be invited to other counties as well, so we will have you in Europe until the end of August.”  My flight ticket is from a flight attendant’s standby for about $300, and it will be very last minute.  It may or may not work out, but I am fine to take that chance and see. 

So it is almost official.  There is a very strong chance that I will be taking off again a month from now.  With this deadline, I will be motivated to get as many videos out as I can before I go.  At the rate I am going with my 2012 series, I will be done by 2014.  Can you imagine? 

There are two last things things.  Someone made another web site for me called because most people do not look for when they try to find my web site, but rather they look my actual name with a “com” after it. 

Last thing, I have another surprise for everyone.  Someone who is anonymous read about my sadness that the green-covered Anastasia books are being changed to ones with black covers, and soon they will no longer sell the green ones.  The essence and information in the green books has been watered down in the black books.  So this individual decided to preserve the originals and make them accessible online for everyone to read the whole series for free.  As soon as I find out the web address, I will post it. 

Now my dears, I must get some sleep and end this blog because it is far too long.  I am going to lull myself to sleep with the Jewel song Painters

Thank-you for you being you. 

Warm embrace laced in grace, 



We are the answers to our prayers.


The heart has its reasons that reason knows not. ~Blaise Pascal

People will find it difficult to believe in something like this. And if someone does not believe, so what? What will be left to the nonbeliever from the lack of belief in his own power? His birth? Yes! But for what purpose? If afterward there is only a meaningless life, then death, then again the question arises: born for what purpose? A multitude of teachings have existed for millions of years about the single idea that humanity is waiting for something from someone. And it waited, having locked up its thought and reason. And it did not think about why or for what purpose the Universe was illuminating the stars above. ~Anastasia 


Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s