Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

I AM OK

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I Am OK

I wanted to write a brief blog so you guys don’t worry. I ended my last blog leaving everyone hanging, which wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to share my family’s situation and all my thoughts and options, and that does not mean I am going to act on them. Some people have been so worried about me that they have called at 3 a.m. and have frantically asked others to help. I definitely do not want anyone to worry.

First, I want to thank all of you for your help. My family and I have been inspired by all the stories people shared when they were in a similar situation. Your loving thoughts, donations, and prayers have been helpful and very much appreciated. Although we still do not have a place and I am not sure what we will do, I am in a much better head space. As I shared in my previous blogs, I do not stay down for too long.

I especially don’t want to remain angry or sad over what our landlords did. Though what was done to us was illegal, I do not think we will go the legal action route. Our landlords are in a lot of spiritual pain right now. It’s like one of my poems called Disappointed. It says, yes, I can get back at you for the pain you caused me, but why? Why give pain to others when we are in pain? Why kick a wounded animal when it is down? What sense does this make? Am I helping the pain or feeding it? Don’t I want to be the solution and not the problem? So therefore, I must act on that understanding.

We have spoken to Steve’s counselors at school. They have informed us that Steve is a good kid, and if it turns out that we cannot stay at our current location, they will do everything they can to make sure Steve graduates. We are considering a location where we could have a community of like-hearts nearby. That would be something new for us, and I think that a close community would be especially good for Mom.

I am no longer angry but rather more grateful, as this situation has opened new doors for me. I have been able to meet people I may not have met otherwise. I have learned new things about myself, things that I need to take care of before I travel more and do my mission. Also, a dear friend has shared the name of a healer who might be able to help my mother. Mom has decided that no matter what, she will still make her trip to Spain as it is important for her to meet Ana and Jorge. Last but not least, I now have friends who are helping with the move. With all these opening doors, perhaps my family’s “calamity” has actually been a blessing in disguise.

I am reminded of an ancient Chinese story that goes something like this:

There was an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields, and one day the horse escaped into the hills. When all the farmer’s neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

A week later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills, and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?”

Then, when the farmer’s son attempted to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not so the farmer, whose only reaction was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg they let him off. Now was that good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?

Back to our situation, I feel that our landlords are doing an unconscious divine service for our family. I have some friends who are saying I am a pushover for letting them just walk away off scot-free. Then they say, “Fine, I guess their karma will deal with them.” I really do not like this idea of waiting for life to punish them again. They are already in pain, so what am I supposed to do, just wait until something bad befalls them and then say, “Well, that’s what you get”? No way. This is more backwards thinking that is easy to fall into.

Besides, I feel that we are all strong enough, good enough, and bright enough to get through all this, as Jewel says in her song What You Are. I can handle this.

I owe it to all of you guys and myself to be 100% for my mission. If I get more attention in the years ahead, I will need to handle it on every level—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I should not be upset with life. It knows what it is doing after all, I guess. I will just have to surrender even more and take a leap of faith. I will write you as soon as I know more.

Love,

Jessica

This is from me to all of you. Love and gratitude.

WHAT YOU ARE written by Jewel and Dave Berg
http://www.jeweljk.com/?em1=1087_-1__0_~0_-1_12_2009_0_0&content=news

I’M DRIVING AROUND TOWN
KINDA BORED, WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN
I TURN TO NOTICE A GIRL ON A BUS STOP BENCH
DRESSED TO DRAW ATTENTION
HOPING EVERYONE WILL STARE
AFRAID IF SHE DON’T STAND OUT
SHE WILL DISSAPPEAR
I WISH I COULD HOLD HER, TELL HER, SHOW HER
YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE

CHORUS
A STAR IS A STAR
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO SHINE
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TEACH WATER TO FALL
OR A BIRD HOW TO FLY
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL A FLOWER HOW TO BLOOM
OR LIGHT HOW TO FILL UP A ROOM
YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE
IS BEAUTIFUL

I HEARD A STORY THE OTHER DAY
TOOK PLACE AT THE LOCAL V.A.
A FATHER TALKING TO HIS DYING SON
THIS WAS HIS CONVERSATION:
IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS
MY KID CAN’T GO FIRST, I CAN’T HANDLE IT
THE BOY SAID DAD DO NOT CRY
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU USED TO TELL ME
WHEN I USED TO ASK WHY?
YOU TOLD ME

CHORUS 2
GRAVITY IS GRAVITY
IT DOESN’T TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN
THE TIDE IS THE TIDE,
MADE TO ROLL IN AND GO OUT
THE WIND JUST BLOWS THOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE
IT’S EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE I WILL ALWAYS BE
AND YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE
IS STRONG ENOUGH

BRIDGE
LOOK IN THE MIRROR
NOW THAT’S ANOTHER STORY TO TELL
IT’S EASY TO GIVE LOVE TO OTHERS
BUT I GIVE MYSELF HELL
I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF – REMEMBER
IN EVERY SEED THERE’S A PERFECT PLAN
AND REMEMBER WHAT I’M STRIVING FOR
IS ALREADY IN MY HANDS

CHORUS 3
DARK IS DARK
SO A STAR HAS A PLACE TO SHINE
THE TIDE GOES OUT
SO IT CAN COME BACK ANOTHER TIME
GOODBYE MAKES HELLO SO SWEET
AND LOVE IS LOVE SO THAT IT CAN TEACH
US THAT
WE ALREADY ARE WHAT WE ARE
AND WHAT WE ARE
IS BEAUTIFUL
AND STRONG ENOUGH
AND GOOD ENOUGH
WE ARE STARS IN EACH OTHERS’ SKY

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Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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