Most people who know me would tell you that Christmas is a very hard time for me. Aside from being a reminder of the words I told my father, Christmas is when all my brothers gather at home. This gathering is always so awkward for me. I would rather that we talk about anything else but me and what I do.
Sure, that will work, Jess. You can talk about anything but that. You can have everything in this garden except the fruit from that tree. Do not open that box, Pandora. Don’t push the button. Great, I have built up a great curiosity in my family members. Now more than ever they want to know what I’m doing.
I asked friends for advice, and most of them said that I should just talk about my work, but that is not so easy for me. I think we all have people in our life who bring out our worst qualities. Well, my eldest brother, Lee, does just that to me. What brings about these triggers that we have with one another? I think that my insecurity started long ago when I was a fledgling. I often compared myself to others. When I worked at the animation studio, I saw this sign that said “The death of an artist comes when they compare their work to others.” This comparison issue might have been something that I have not fully addressed because it was always so painful.
Whatever the cause of my emotional pain, I do not want to compete or prove myself to Lee. I would rather just enjoy my family. I do not want him to be estranged from me. One day, I might lose him and then find out about how cool he was from his friends. That’s what happened with Melissa, and I really do not want that to happen again. Yet what do I do? How can we be in the same room without upsetting each other?
If only I could articulate myself around him, but no matter what I say, it makes no sense to him. Dad had the same problem explaining himself, and now it is my lot. I have to accept that I may not be understood until years into the future. This seems to be the theme of my life–talking to people and being made fun of, and then later on they say, “Jess, I understand. Can you tell me more?” I am told that I am ahead of my time. When you think of it, this is a funny saying. Ahead of my time–what does that mean? Are you saying that I am from the future? What time am I from in the future? Is this not the same stuff that was said about Tesla?
It is odd. It’s almost as though I speak in another dimension code that only some can understand and to others I sound like an idiot. If that is so, how I did I speak so well with Kerry during the Project Camelot interview? She sure made me nervous, and even more nerve-racking was knowing that the world would see this interview. Yet I have yet to receive one bad comment from that interview. Of all the letters I got, not one shot me down, although I did receive two that gave loving and constructive criticism.
If I end up on the Coast to Coast AM radio show with George Noory, how will I fare with 10 million listeners? It is best to not think about it and just let it happen. I just have to watch the words I use, like “channel.” I do not channel. Well, not the way that most think. I do not change my voice or go into a trance or anything. I am like my dad in that I go into a state of “no-thought” and stuff just comes to me in the moment like a matrix download.
So when Lee tried to coax me about what I did, I remained silent, but Mom kept hinting about a video because she was so proud of me. I was upset because now he knows I made a video. If he sees that, boy would I get the third degree, not to mention his usual spiel about “You’re embarrassing the family. Have you lost your mind? What the heck are you talking about?” etc. All I wanted to do was avoid that conversation so the holidays with the family could be pleasant.
Heck, I did not even want to be here for this. I just wanted to stay in L.A. It was just that it meant so much to Mom to have her family together. That is the most important thing to her, so to have me not show up when Lee from England and Forest came from Toronto would not be cool.
I would like to say I handled things in a mature manner, but when Lee almost pulled up the interview, I jumped up and said, “No, please respect my wishes!” He did not listen and tried to look at it. I freaked out and went to laundry room where I hid under a table and cried. Why could he not just find out on his own? Why do I have to say what I do? How about we just let my work speak for itself? How about if he looks at it when the time is right and he is ready? I am sure all the people who have come out with information on these things have felt this way. How did they handle it? What did they do? I am always so curious about how family members respond to these people who come out with this information.
I did think about not being here for the next few days, but then I would be running away and that would not help me or my family. It would not help the other starseeds because now everyone is watching me and I am an example. I must practice what I teach. Besides, this is not about me so much as the message that I must embody and live. But what do I do about Christmas?
My answer turned out to be my other brother Forrest, the gangsta rapper. He came to my aid. Apparently he watched my video, and though he could not understand what I was talking about, he felt that it still had merit. “It is OK to exist on a completely different wavelength,” he said to me. Forrest then tried to explain some of the conspiracies to Lee, even though I am not one to talk about that stuff. I was amused with the conversation playing out in front of me as I bit my tongue and listened. I felt badly for Lee. I could see his perspective. I could see how he felt ganged up on with all this talk about aliens and conspiracies even though that wasn’t my intention.
Lee is entitled to his opinion. After all, he is a genius and is very sharp. Not much gets by him. If we could work as family unit like my dad said would happen, then we could put our puzzle pieces together. In our family, Lee is just the embodiment of tough love. He wants to help, but he feels we are not helping ourselves by holding onto this crazy information. Once again, Lee asked me what I do, and this time I said that I am carrying on Dad’s legacy. Though he did not understand, he let me be, or perhaps he was tired and it was time to head out.
The next day, I told everyone that we would not talk about this stuff and would just have a nice family dinner. I thanked Forrest for being my knight and told him, “It is OK if you don’t understand everything.” I went on, “How can you when you have not lived and experienced the things I have? It is not about reading or watching YouTube videos, Bro. It is about embodying and living these things. I live this stuff, and one day you might too.”
Later that night when everyone left, Mom and I were watching MacGyver when I got a call from a starseed in Quebec. I asked him how he got my number. He told me he is a remote viewer, and asked his guides to download my number to him and they did. He told me about how his DNA is being altered and how his skin is starting to glow in the dark and how electronic devices were going haywire around him. He just wanted to thank me for coming forward and sharing.
This reminded me of the other kid I came across with Kerry who would draw pictures of certain symbols and then a crop circle would be made of the exact thing he drew. He could photograph spirits and fourth dimension travellers. He was also able to get spoons to stick anywhere on his body and not fall off. It is funny, though, because I cannot do the things that this guy can do. We all have such different gifts. This is just so interesting. It is like the X-Men show, but we use our abilities for love.
Warm embrace to you all in unconditional love.
Thank-you for you being you,
Merry every day and happy every year!