Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

LEAVING DOWNTOWN AND NOW HAWAII BOUND

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Leaving Downtown and Now Hawaii Bound

Hi my dear ones,

I know I said I would call this letter “I Ain’t Down with That,” but I changed my mind. The last few weeks I was feeling pretty down. It was a two week trip to downtown. It was just lots of things happening at once. My brother’s merchandise was stolen, and my mom was jumped on by the siblings about her trip. The American dollar was very low, making the exchange for the trip more expensive. Plus, my mom found cists in the female organ area, and my not working just tipped it off. Oh, and speaking of off, my jaw is off /out of alignment. 

How do you stay positive when it seems like all is crumbling around you? When I fall into fear about my future, I have to stop myself. Our imaginations can work against us, in this case by making every thing worse than it actually is. FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. I have to take my own advice about trusting the universe. Trust I must as I venture farther into the unknown. I must learn to understand fear and appreciate the valuable gifts it has for me that I cannot yet see.

It is interesting how we awaken then forget, awaken and then forget, etc. We become so astute about the “pattern programming” and then we fall right back into the programming. The more you pay attention to how such things work, then the more piece/peace of mind you get. I wrote a few poems about this topic, including one called Brain Freeze.

I am happy to share that I am not in downtown anymore. I am no longer down with that. This week has been very good and is going better for everyone around me too. I do not stay down for very long. I know how to help myself and pick myself up, but sometimes I just need to let all these emotions flow through me while not losing myself to them, thinking that this situation is set in stone and this is how I will always feel. I think what brings me down is when people close to me are feeling down. I like to call this the superman complex. I guess this is something I need to explore and understand better, or maybe some of you guys can help with this. When I understand this better, I will share with all of you. 

There is one other thing that has come up. My ex from France has told me that he still loves me. This has really rattled me and brought up the past. I have had others write to me wanting to know more about the man in France. It is personal, guys, but I will share this part of my life with you in a future blog because I think it could help some of you heal.

Thanks everyone who tuned into my “Fireside Chat” radio interview with Zany Mystic. For those of you who missed it, I will have the interview in the archive area on my site. Magenta Pixie is going to make it into a YouTube video as well. This will be easier than having you subscribe to every media web site I do an interview for.

This radio interview went very well, and I am rather proud of it. I even forgot that I was talking on radio to tons of people. I got really excited and hyper, and I felt like I went all over the place. Sometimes I was not sure if I made any sense, but apparently I did, and my interview got a lot of positive comments. I was even asked back in about a month or so. My next interview will be on the 28th, only two days from when I get back. I will be doing two interviews that day, one with “The Metaphysical Edge” show and the other with James Gilliland.  

For those of you who did make it to my last minute group Skype chat, don’t worry. I will be holding more of those in the future. The one today went really well. It energized everyone, and they all got to network and share about their mission. We did some questions and answers, but it was not all on me. Everyone contributed, which I was very happy about.

It seems I keep missing Miriam Delicado. She was heading out of town the same time I left for Sedona, and when I was leaving Sedona I learned that she had just arrived there. So who knows when we will meet? My friend who ran into her told me that she is not happy with the Institute for Cultural Affairs event for the same reasons that I discussed in my last e-mail. I still am not sure what I am going to do about this, but it does sadden and disappoint me.

My 2012, Part 1 and Part 2 are now up on YouTube and will soon be on my site. Also, I finally recorded the whole Silver Bird book! It took me five and half hours, and I read the whole thing straight through without any breaks. I do not know how I did that. I usually can only read out loud for only a half hour before my throat gets sad. I guess it was the passion and excitement to share this beautiful book with you that kept me going, I even did some of the voices (well, the best I could). You will likely be amused listening to my attempts.

When some friends heard that I was jobless, they asked for my résumé, and before I knew it, I had all these calls from people wanting to hire me for jobs I knew nothing about. I think these are for manager positions, so I might need to look into the lingo to see if I can pull this off. I told my friends that finding work for me will not be easy. I travel all the time, and I never really know when I will go. What employer will tolerate that (aside from my old one)? 

I still miss my old job, especially the fish. They were always eavesdropping on the books I read. The tank was huge, and wherever I sat they all followed. People where wondering what was up with the fish and me. They had never seen anything like it. I could even call them to me with my hands. I would direct them and they would listen. Of course, I also had to visualize, but it worked. I never thought I could love fish so much. Now I have to make excuses to pop by just to see them.  

Oh yea, back to the job interviews. I will not know about them until I get back. I had to tell them all I was going away for 10 days. I am not sure if they like that. What a great first impression.

Wow, while I write this at 2:03 a.m., some car came by and threw something at our windows and drove away. It’s a good thing our windows are double-layered, but still, what the heck is up with this? At first, I thought it was gun fire because it was so loud. I wonder, is this someone who knows my brother? And why would they do this? All I can say is, I cannot wait to move, which won’t be until mid-summer. The cops are here now. There are no rocks nearby. What did they break the window with then? This is so odd right before we leave. I wonder, is it safer because we live in an apartment? The landlady says she will watch over our place when we are gone.

I guess there is nothing else to do but to finish this blog. We are all packed now and ready for our trip to Hawaii. I am more excited for my mom and my brother because they have never been to place like this before. I am just going because my mom would not go unless I went as well. This will be interesting!

Take care, everyone. Thank-you for all your beautiful letters and well wishes. I’m sending you a plethora of love from all dimensions.

Warm embrace laced in grace,

Jessica

If you see me speak without words
Know that I am speaking of the wind
And if you see my words like wind
Know that soft tongues cut through stone
.                                  

                                           Jewel

 

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Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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