Jessica Schab

Bali Blog Series

Before I Go

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Before I Go

I was meaning to release this letter before I left, but I did not finish it and ran out of time, so I just wrote a short blurb to let everyone know I would be going to Sedona after all. This is the blog I originally wanted to post. 

It is almost time to go now, and I am all packed. I have spent the last week in contemplation. Something is stirring in me. At first I thought I was just distracting myself and passing time carelessly, but this was not the case at all. The best way to describe it is to think of those children who are able to have the TV on in the background as they study. This is to entertain one part of the mind so the other part of the mind can focus on other things. 

Before I left for Hawaii, I was working on the question about how I could avoid being so affected by my family’s emotions and lives. I want to do this in a way that I am not totally detached so I am like a machine and do not care at all. That is too much of an extreme. There has to be a balance. Then it dawned on me to take my own advice–trust I must. There was still this fear in me about trying to help my family’s situation. Why was it on me? Why could I not just trust their universe like I trust mine? Trust life like I do when I travel and am on my path? I want to let go because helping someone can sometimes be disempowering. I would rather empower by helping them find their own trust in life.

Mom’s Hypnotherapy 

Now this is where it gets interesting. Somehow it came about that Mom should try hypnotherapy. Mom’s headaches are so very complicated. There are so many factors that bring them about like weather; old injuries; death of a dream; loss of loved ones; stress; harshness to self; fears and insecurities; sensitivities to food, chemicals, power lines and certain smells; mercury teeth fillings; and on and on. 

There are so many deep-seated issues with her that needed to be unearthed. She had buried them for far too long. It was frustrating because I felt like every time I tried to help her, she made some reason why it would not work; either it was money, or driving distance, or an odd healing modality that tried to make her deal with her denial. 

It was strange because after her first session with the hypnotherapist, he told me about how he took Mom back to times when she was a child and she felt the happiest. Later that day, she kept saying, “For some reason I keep thinking about my childhood.” I told her that was because she was hypnotized to go back to her childhood. Her response was, “No, I cannot be hypnotized.” I could not believe she would not allow herself to believe she was hypnotized. 

A little bit later, we went for a walk in the forest. She sat under a tree, and I went off to lie down on the grass. After some time passed, she called me over. I found that she was holding a big salamander in her hand. She told me how she was thinking back to the time when she was a kid. She was the happiest when she was by her favorite pond where she could catch salamanders. Then she opened her eyes, and there was this salamander right beside her foot! It was as if he were eavesdropping on her silence and the pictures in her mind. 

Now this was odd because the whole time I have lived in this area, which is most of my life, I have never seen a salamander. She was so happy about catching this salamander that she wanted to take it home, but I begged her not to, saying, “How would you like it if some giant took you far away from your home just because you were cute?” She finally listened, and we put it in a pond. Then we saw and caught a frog, which I then introduced to our salamander, which was now hiding in the mud under the leaves. Then I let the frog go. 

After that, we tried to mimic the sounds of the animals we heard. We fed the squirrels some almonds, and even though the squirrels were not used to them, they buried them very carefully. This is how my mom grew up passing her time with things like this. We really had a lovely time. 

When we got home, there was a message on the answering machine. It was from one of Mom’s clients who said that they did not need Mom’s help after all. My mom was very happy about this. She said that the hypnotherapist told her to let go of things that did not serve her any more, and she thought immediately about this client and how she wanted to no longer work with them. 

I said to her, “Do you see the power of hypnotherapy, Mom?” 

She replied, “No, I cannot be hypnotized, but for some reason I cannot recall a thing.” 

I thought it might be interesting to prove to her that she was hypnotized by recording the session. That way she could listen to herself speak and get beyond the denial of the conscious mind. It would also help her be more comfortable with hypnotherapy as she was nervous about it all. I think that has to do with her sister getting hypnotized and then not being the same afterwards. Soon she became a manic depressive. My mom was afraid that what happened to her sister could happen to her. It reminded me about my experience with the Ouija board, but the second time I managed to change it so I was not bound to repeat the same situation. 

For some strange reason, even though Mom does not believe in hypnotherapy, she has continued going. I am proud of her for this. I am intrigued to see what other memories will come from this soul archaeology excavation. 

Reaching Out to You 

Recently, I have decided to give my number out to people who are writing me so I can save my fingers. But when I gave out my number or Skype address, very few people called me. When they finally did call, they said that they were shy and nervous; however, that all changed when they finally took the leap and called me. It is cute that so many of you are shy, but please don’t be. Calling me can be very helpful and healing for you. So many of you are so happy you made the leap, and now you find it easier to come out of your shell and are feeling more liberated. 

Many ask about the best time to call me, but I rarely give a specific time. I do this for two reasons. One is that I never know where I will be and what I will be doing on a daily basis. The other is that I am training all of you to better develop your telepathy and intuition by feeling the right time to call me. Some of you are getting very good at this. This is also one of the main reasons why I refuse to have a cell phone. It forces me to not be lazy when it comes to telepathy. 

On the flip side of me, I have decided to join a spiritual advising site where I will be available for a few days a week for booked appointments over the phone. I will not have a set hourly rate like the others.  It will be by donation.

I am doing this for balance purposes. At times I can cater to the part of me that likes to go with the flow at the last minute, and then I can appease the part that knows a little organization is OK at times. 

I am not too sure what is up with guys e-mailing pictures of them shirtless. It makes me think they really do not know me. To be honest, this does not make me swoon or impress me much. When I see guys sporting their biceps, I tend to think, “Big deal. I’ve got arms like that. They are just attached to my butt.” 

Alright, moving on, it seems the majority of my e-mails are about how others can get in contact with their guides, so I have decided to make a video about that topic. 

Women Who Run With the Wolves 

Lately, I have been further exploring my divine feminine aspect with some help from a book called Woman Who Run With the Wolves. I have always been a bit nervous about being a woman and embracing all the power that comes with it. I was/am afraid of abusing this power or using it for manipulation, be it consciously or unconsciously. This is a scary thought. But I have made a promise to explore all my fears, and this is one big fear that I am ready to face. So this book has really been helping me. 

I recommend this book for women who also struggle with this and even for men who wish to understand the inner matrix of a woman. I love how she writes and sees things like I do, where the characters in stories are seen more as archetypes in our psyche, a Jungian approach. Perhaps my fears are about the power and responsibility that go with being a woman, and this has made me lean more towards being a tomboy. I guess I just like how guys handle things. 

For example, if a guy gets mad at another guy, he punches him in the face, and after that they go out for beers and everything is good again. But if a woman gets mad at another woman, they plot and scheme and hold grudges. Seriously, it becomes tons of work to remind themselves why they are mad, how they will either avoid the person at all costs, or how they will extract revenge while harboring resentment. To me, holding a grudge is a major waste of brain cells when it comes down to all the things we could be thinking about instead. 

This book also helps me to better understand Anastasia and how she can be who she is. The book fills in a lot of blanks that the world very much needs right now, and it presents it in a unique and highly intelligent way. She explains the workings of women’s minds and what she is aware of, but her points are second hand from Vladimir’s comprehension. I can see many books being written about the psyche of Anastasia.

More on Jewel 

I am also reading Woman Who Run With the Wolves to my momma, and it is really liberating her too. I was taken by how this book reminded me of Jewel. While I was thinking about that, I got a letter from my friend who used to be her lawyer. He told me how Jewel spotted him at her concert and asked her agents to make sure he had her personal contact information. He said that one of the first things he will do is talk to Jewel about me. 

Now for those of you who still don’t understand my connection with Jewel, I am not a mere fan. I have work to do with this woman, and it is becoming clearer as I start to better understand my role. I got further confirmation from someone who learned that when Jewel was a child, the Inuit elders named her White Buffalo Woman. I learnt this shortly after seeing actual white buffalo in Flagstaff, Arizona, and learning about the white buffalo legend. When the white buffalo returns to the planet, then peace shall reign again. This makes things very interesting indeed. 

One time I called her an artist of life, and I started to notice how she had merged her art with her life. For example, she came out with her country album that had a song called “I Do,” which became a hit. Shortly after, she got married in the Bahamas in a place I have been to. (My favorite place there is called Atlantis.) Her newest album is a lullaby in association with Fisher Price. I really admire how she really is doing an album of every genre. What does this tell us, that she is serenading the soul of her unborn child into incarnation? She is also welcoming other souls to this planet who will find comfort and great insight from her words and soul. Lucky babies! The album is also for adults. It is a mood album for relaxing and getting a feeling of great comfort. 

I recall the first time I heard her music. I was playing some Hanson music for my dad, and he did not like it at all. He said that there was no soul in their music. I did not really know what he meant by this, so I asked him, and I also said, “Alright then, which artist has this soul you speak of?” At that moment, the radio was playing in the kitchen a Jewel song called “Who Will Save Your Soul,” and Dad listened to it and said, “Now that girl has soul.” 

Fascinated by what he said, I bought her Pieces of You CD and learned about true soul in music. Looking back, it is just real neat how it all turned out, the timing of everything. For the record, I started to listen to Hanson again just so I can connect with or try to understand the shy girl I used to be. She is very foreign to me, and I have a hard time fathoming her. 

Old Web Site 

Moving on, not too long ago I was told by my friend that there was this other web site about me. It was an old modeling site a male fan did for me. I was actually rather embarrassed with this site. I had no idea that the site, which had awkward modelling shots, was even still up. I never was comfortable with modelling, and I think it shows in my pictures. I did not want to be introduced to the world as a model/crystal child. 

It is frustrating to have people more interested in checking me out or hooking up rather than caring about my message. We are so used to the commercial world where we are bombarded on TV about buying some crap and “you will look like me” ads. We sorely need to break away from this kind of thinking–“look at me and my body” and other circus distractions–rather than “check out my heart, and let’s give our time and attention to more important things.” 

So I contacted my friend to please take down the site. A few weeks later, it was finally taken down. 

David Icke and Forum Comments 

Later on that day, I decided to watch David Icke on Project Camelot. I really liked his interview and what he had to say, or better yet, how he says it. I really liked how he defended Alex Jones and other people who seem to be dispensing negative information. Information is not negative in and of itself. What’s negative is how we look at it and judge it. All this information is useful. We cannot shy away from it. We have to work with it. That statement reminds me of my Zeitgeist essay.

I was happy to hear what he said about the Illuminati and that he did not let this topic dominate the conversation. After the interview, I decided to go on David Icke’s forum and found people saying all kinds of hurtful things about me. From all the letters I have received so far, I have only had one or two really negative responses. I know that David Wilcock and Miriam Delicado have gotten their share of negative comments. I am sure that David Icke had many as well when he first started out. 

Some people on David’s forum were saying that I was there to discredit indigos, and that I was programmed by the Illuminati because my dad was chipped and because I used Disney analogies. Not all chips are a negative thing, and not all Disney references or explanations are evil. There is a lot of enlightenment in cartoons, and I would like to further explore that in future YouTube videos. Anyway, it’s really all about perspective. 

Let’s see, there were some people who thought I was fake and some who commented about my body. I really wanted to go on that forum and talk to these people, but then I realized I had to pay to be on there. It is OK, though. It is the process, I guess. I just wanted to share the process of stepping out into the world with all of you. Whenever I get ridiculed, I just get recall the time I did the same thing to my dad and the reasons why I said such things. With that understanding, how can I be mad? 

Sometimes I am still held by my past. It is my lot and our lot, but we can get wise to the patterns that have held us so tightly in their grasp. I can be a living example of breaking stereotypes and assumptions. Kerry Cassidy told me that she was worried about filming me. She said that no one would take me seriously because I looked like a valley girl. Are we really so immature to still judge people on looks? 

No matter what we look like, there are bound to be some harsh comments–perhaps an echo from past doubts, insecurities and conditioned programming that we are not good enough. There are thousands of reasons that people use to validate this one thought. I listen to how it makes its case: “See, I told you so. You’re no good.”  Some allow this thought to fester in themselves, or perhaps they fight it by saying, “I will show you.” This tactic usually does not work. But if we really examine such thoughts, then we would find out just how silly it is. Instead, we can speak to this thought and really listen carefully to the subtext of it in a gentle loving way, and then we will find that things improve greatly. 

It actually reminds me of an essay I wrote called The Process, which is basically about how life kicks our butt until we develop integrity and get ourselves on the right path. I really do feel that life gets easier when we’re on the right path, not harder. It gets easier because we are not so easily fazed by the hologram/sham/alakazam anymore, and we become a master of our own mind and our relationship with it. Yes, there are still challenges, but now we can see them as gifts. Thus, we see our freedom and are more empowered. We can see how strong we are and what we can endure. Yes, we can transcend all of these challenges. 

A good example is Brice Taylor. She is someone who was mind controlled and tortured by the Illuminati to do all kinds of sordid, horrid things. Then one day she has a car crash, and the memories started coming back. Now after years of coming to terms with everything, she is speaking out and is determined to expose the Illuminati. She wishes to  free her children and other people’s children. It’s really inspiring when you read about all the things that happened to her, how she tried to make sense of all the insanity, and how she decided to speak out.  She does not judge herself for any of the awful things she took part in. She can travel back to those times and watch as an observer and gather information. One odd thing about all this is how much she looks like Arizona Wilder

I chose to read about these events because I cannot shake the feeling they hold a big piece of the puzzle. My guides will often show me random pieces of information out of the blue, and then later on they show me why I had to look into these things in a particular order. It’s like a combination code–the right numbers in the right order opens the vault. Lately, I have been reading more on these mind control cases and not just from David Icke. I’m trying to read from many sources so my views are not biased. 

Some have speculated that Arizona Wilder could be lying about some things. Mind-controlled people often have a photographic memory, so how can she say she does not remember? I think that we need to be really open here and not go from one extreme to the other. We need explore everything we can. What are the benefits of lying about such things? Somewhere amidst all those lies is the truth. Hitler supposedly once said that the best way to hide the truth is between two lies. 

I am willing to explore this in every light I can. I am even willing to explore the so-seeming mean things that people say about me as they also might have a piece of the puzzle. They might even be unconsciously teaching me something important. I will even re-examine all that my dad said and experienced, not to discredit and abandon what he was about but to use it as a stepping stone to an even greater truth. Are not all of our past beliefs and experiences just a means to an end? If I discover that I was wrong, then I will admit to the world. So much damage has been done by people who refused to admit they made a mistake or said something wrong. My pride is not worth more suffering. No way will I fall for that! 

I am even fine with sharing other people’s work along with mine and giving them credit. It is not about how smart I am, but more about the most effective way to get out a message. Sometimes my own words are not enough and that’s fine. Besides, it helps to highlight the genius of others because my success—our success—will also be the world’s success. That is the deal I made with my guides. 

I’m interested in exploring more about how Disney cartoons and The Wizard of Oz and other movies and books can be used as triggers and subliminal indoctrinations. I can see how they can be used for sinister reasons, but I still can see great profound things in them as well. So rather than being biased, I aim to cancel out the two polarities. I want to take the proton and electron elements in these stories and then tap into the neutron. 

Getting back to David Icke’s forum, someone even took something I said as sexual when I mentioned about being an empty vessel that gets filled with insight. I did not think about how my statement could be taken that way. It’s funny how words can be used to interpret things so differently and how subliminal messages work. We live in a kaleidoscopic, holographic universe where everyone will see things differently depending on their angle of vision, and some are looking from the Beavis and Butt-Head angle. (The game of Boggle has taught me that everyone and everything is a teacher.) 

I am even willing to go beyond my guides and all they have shared. People on the Icke forum have said things about my eyes. Yes, I know they are very different, and it feels like something else is looking out of them. This came to me when I started thinking about a part in me that is beyond this world, and I went to the mirror and said, “If you’re in me, show yourself.” We wear so many masks and have so many forms. It seems like we’re always hiding. Why are we hiding? Show me my true face, my true eyes of unconditional love. No longer shall I hide this from me or from others. Let them see it, please. Let them see so there can be hope, so there can be a true mirror and not the fun house ones we have been subjected to. The world’s conditioning of reality is becoming less credible with each day. 

Trees, Darkness, and the Light 

What I hold fast to more than anything, what I believe the most in, is nature, especially the trees, because they have never tried to control, exploit, or harm us. They are such a perfect example of unconditional love that they make me weep. I want to be exactly like you, dear trees. Show me how. Like you, we co-exist in the lightness and the dark. (See my poem “The Journey.”) How I love that you teach through the folds of silence. How I love that you let the wind sing through you. 

It is funny to think that we take breathing classes so we can learn how to breathe. Trees are the lungs of the planet, and if we cut them all down, no amount of classes can help us truly breathe. In a Jewel song called “Ain’t No Looking Back,” she says, “America is great. It is the land of the free. We are so independent we forgot how to breathe.” 

But if this is all a hologram, maybe we can breathe from the forest-lush trees in the cells of our body. Somewhere in us is a pristine garden that we must tend to. It is the soul that must be tended to, that needs to be fed. Would poverty and starvation still exist if we did this? These are thoughts from a poem called “A Realization” as well as Jewel’s songs “Hey Little Sister” and “Good Bye Alice in Wonderland.” 

We can take all the media weapons used upon us—even Disney movies—and flip the polarity of them and use them for awakening. All we need to do is reverse the intent. If we had only truth and unconditional love on TV, then what kind of world would we have? Would we even have TV? It seems that “they” like to demonize religions and cartoons. Is that because they are afraid of their true power and so they discredit them every chance they get? 

Here is another interesting thing. When Brice Taylor recalled all the things she had done and told the priest, he called her a sinner and told her to repent. In that moment, she said that Jesus appeared to her and said, “Child, get off your knees. You have done nothing wrong. You did not know what you were doing. You are innocent.” 

At that moment, she was really set free from all her programming and her self-destructive nature. It was clear she went through all those dark rooms so she could collect information, understand it, and make it out alive to help others be free as well. Her shocking story will repeat itself and reoccur in the lives of others until we are able to identify the pattern, understand it, and stop it. Then and only then can we can free ourselves. 

This is what I mean when I say we are light in dark places. We must explore and understand darkness so we can be free from it. We do this in service to the collective of humanity. We go through negative experiences so maybe others will not have to. Talk about a selfless soul! Perhaps you can start to understand why I love people so much, even ones whom we judge as monsters. Someone has to play their parts so we can understand what we are unconsciously allowing. Only through understanding can we become responsible creators for other, better worlds. 

I do not want to be noted for my looks, brains, money, fame, or worldly credentials. I want to be remembered for the true credentials of the heart, where integrity, innocence, and unconditional love stand out more than anything else. These are soul qualities that cannot be bought or documented with a piece of paper. It is not what the ego thinks we are but who the soul says we really are. Only if we rediscover our true spiritual natures can we fix this world. 

Upcoming Interviews and My Sedona Trip 

On other matters, I have three interviews coming up, one with “The Metaphysical Edge” radio show and another with a UK radio host named Alex Baker. Then in May I have a video interview with a UFO site called Mystery BC

I did have another possible interview with a famous radio show, but one of the head guys developed a crush on me and wanted to date me. I was annoyed because if I said yes, I would be on the show, and if I said no, well, I could kiss the interview goodbye. So I decided to just let it go. Does David Wilcock ever have this problem? 

Well, it looks like I will be going to Sedona after all. As usual, it is last minute. 

This trip promises to be interesting because my bones are hinting about things to come. Our bones are like the planet’s mountains and stones. My bones tingle and vibrate when I think about the trip. That has not happened before. I am always amazed by how intelligent and psychic the body itself is. My hands and even my bones seem to have an intelligence of their own. I just have to learn how to interpret their messages. Why, even my little toe speaks! I am guessing this will be an important trip, but I cannot quite put my finger on it. Maybe the truth will be found when I camp on Sedona’s ground. 

OK, I have to go now. My friend is here. We are going to milk the goats on her farm. 

Warm embrace laced in grace. 

Thank-you for you being you. 


P.S.  Here are lyrics from the song Pirate Bones by Natasha Bedingfield: 

What if I squeeze myself into any shape and I still don’t fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break and I can’t mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out and I can’t stay lit?
What’s the point in it? I could get good at crying crocodile tears just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear ’til my voice is gone but if I finally get to the place that I think is home and I don’t belong. What’s the point in it?
Where’s the benefit? When I’m gaining all but I’m losing it.
It’s not worth having if it’s too much to hold you can dig so deep that you’re left with a hole thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don’t wanna end up like pirate bones what I thought was precious was just a pile o’ stones
I might have the treasure but I’d be lying alone just a pile of pirate bones.
If I forfeit my soul it ain’t worth having. If it’s something I stole it ain’t worth having
What if I stake everything I am on a dream and it’s counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means could I live with it?
And if it’s true that having too much of any good thing could only make me sick
What’s the point in it? Where’s the benefit? When I’m gaining all but I’m losing it.
It’s not wroth that much to me
If losing out is what it means to swim in shallow victory is empty, empty. It’s just not worth the price it’s only a fool’s paradise
If it’s draining every drop of life ’til I’m dry like pirate bones

That being said, people are the true treasure of life, and I refuse to bury our value.

Author: Jessica Schab

Memoirs of a Former Mystic - Blogs I've written many blogs but the series about my time in Bali, Indonesia, when my radical changes took place, is what has garnered the most curiosity and acclaim. In it, I share everything about that process from beginning to end and in great detail, so that others can get to know me and better understand what I am about. My Bali Blog series is an exploration of my own personal confusion towards rational thinking that has helped myself and others to see our own cognitive dissonance. It exposes the many things that we hide from ourselves and why. ​I highly suggest to read the blogs in order, from part 1 to 5. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. I myself am shocked to realize that I had no idea how conditioned and problematic my spiritual beliefs were until I wrote these blogs; how they affected every aspect of my life and created so many unnecessary problems, making me so afraid to even dare to think or imagine my life and who I was without them. I can see now the contradictions I had to want to understand, watching these elements fight within me, planting mine fields of self-destruction in my mind when I forced myself to think without spiritual beliefs that acted like a drug for me, often times taking over my mind and thinking for me. How could I get myself to stop protecting these beliefs? Such a question led me to understand why others are so keen to choose irrationality instead of logic when it comes to their ideologies. It's one of the many reasons that led to me speaking up about why I am so concerned about this movement and the dangers of these beliefs. I would describe my changes as a massive tidal wave; a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf my psyche. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it, right? So did I. I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath; dealing with the dramatic shift, and in my case the psychological changes. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened; the experience echoes in your bones. It’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in your psyche and to encourage former hopes and beliefs. Especially because it often is what beckoned and fuelled the tsunami to begin with. When you get to the root, you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. ​Ha! Easier said than done! So, these blogs are also an invitation and challenge to detect what is confusion and what is fact. To have people ask themselves: Are my beliefs thinking for me? It becomes more apparent and easier to pinpoint and reduce one's conditioned thinking when one finishes the whole series in order. Then, one can see their own results on how they scored with detecting and exploring their own cognitive biases.​ Best of luck. ​Enjoy and please let me know what you think :-)

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